My sister was made aware of the situation and she let her dh know about it. They talked to ss. But he is 13 and it is not unheard of for a 13 yr old to kiss. He was talked to about what happened and told that he has plenty of time in the future to find girlfriends and kiss but that they feel he is still too young to deal with relationships, kissing, etc. They also expressed their disappointment about it being with my sd and reminded him of her age. He felt badly about the situation.

My issue is that my sd is 11 and this is not the first instance. Yes, no adults were in the room with them. But they were in the familyroom area with no doors to close. We were in the diningroom which is next to the familyroom. Me and dh had not thought it was unheard of for two kids their age to play a boardgame out of our sight. If it were in a bedroom then that would be a different story.

Anyways, for the time being we are not going to let sd play with other kids out of our sight. We are not going to tell her this, as we do not want to make her feel badly, but we are just going to make sure she is within eyesight. And we are not going to avoid having my sister and her family over. None of us feel that would change what happened. And we are pretty comfortable feeling that this won't happen with them again.

Out of curiousity, if the boy had not been your sisters SS would you still allow him in the house? Without a parent IN THE ROOM?? What if you had found him with your DD and not your SD??

If he was not a member of our family then he would not be over again. There would be no reason for it. The girl that my sd had inappropriate activities with is no longer allowed to play with sd or dd. They see eachother at school and we let both girls know they can talk to her at school, but nothing outside of school.

With my stepnephew the situation is different. It was much less sexual than the situation with the girl was. This was only a kiss. And he is part of the family so it is less practical to avoid him.

If this had involved my dd we would have handled it the same. My sister and her family would not be banned from our home. We would just always keep the boy and girl in our sight.

But thanks for trying to throw in some nonsense about it being handled differently because it involved my sd. Like we love one more than the other or treat them differently! If my sd would have taken her shower first then it would have been my dd playing the board game in the other room with him.

Get over it kkny. There is not always a big conspiracy involved in stepparenting! Perhaps you could find some meds to help with your paranoia!

I dont think there is a conspiracy, I just think less concern for SD. Which is sad. AS to "less practical" that SN be denied access to SD, it may mean more convenient to YOU. If I were the mom of either child, I guarantee that there would be court proceedings coming.

I think that your DH should call both his X and father of SN directly. And not rely on SM relaying message.

Court proceedings for an 11 and 13 yr old KISSING? How silly!

And dh should call his x and father of sn directly? His ex is not involved in their daughters life by her choice if you actually read helpwiththis posts you would know that! And if his wife (yes the sm) already told her sister and she told her dh. Remember the part about him talking to his son about it?? So the message has been relayed. Being a stepparent does not make you incapable of passing on information!

And as for the less concern for sd comment, well that was another low blow! Obviously op is concerned for sd or she would have never come on here seeking advice!!

KKNY will you ever give up trying to put down stepparents?

No, my comment is meant that if this relationship progreses and neither mom knew about it, there will be problems. I don't care if mom of SD isnt involved, neither is my X, but if something serious comes up, you bet I email him. And why can't DH call the boy's father? Don't they have dinners togethor?

Is OP concerned? Or just looking to place blame? Or just looking for a solution that only involves SD? I don't know. In any event, is she looking for "solution" that won't limit her from contact with her sister (but still allow dinners etc>)?

The issue isn't that a SM isn't capable of relaying message, it is that this message is so serious, a reasonable person would want to insure it gets to a parent.

At the risk of getting flamed, sexual abuse of young girls by step relatives is not unheard of. This young man has a free rein in her house apparently. OP can take steps to insure it doesnt happen here. She hasnt done that in my book.

As a child I recall playing with cousins and stepcousins in one room while our parents were sitting in another. Nothing ever happened. It is not expected that will happen.

Are you honestly telling me that you have never left dd in a room with relatives and left the room??

And op already said that stepnephews father and her dh knew of the situation. To me it sounds like the sd's father was home when it happened.

OP seems concerned. And the "blame" she is placing is on the kids--where it belongs! An 11 yr old and a 13 yr old are old enough to not need constant supervision. I do not make all 4 of my children sit in front of me all day long so I can watch their every move. And when we have family over (we both have large families) the kids go off and play together. They have lots of cousins and we do not make them all sit in our sight at all times and there has never been an issue.

Yes, I have left my DD in a room with male relatives. But as far as I know, nothing happened. But here they realize something DID happen. If that happened, I wouldnt ignore it. They cant ignore that. OP says she called her sister, so I cant assume that SNs dad knew what was going on. So the Dad should call him. You cant just ignore these things.

Oh wait, you can ignore them. And if relationship progesses, you just blame it on SD or her mom.

"Oh wait, you can ignore them. And if relationship progesses, you just blame it on SD or her mom."
A kiss is NOT a relationship! Who said OP is ignoring anything? Reread her post!
"This young man has a free rein in her house apparently. OP can take steps to insure it doesnt happen here. She hasnt done that in my book."
Free rein? Sitting in the family room playing yahtzee-whatever-is free rein? OMgoodness, are you really over the top, this time. Was OP supposed to be psychic and guess this kiss with SN would happen? From what I read, the only thing she might have guessed was that SD might kiss someone, at some point.
"sexual abuse of young girls by step relatives is not unheard of."
Really? I think we all know this, and also that it happens to young boys! A child with sexual behavior issues cares little about who they act out with: male/female, related/not, older/younger! Although, if the behavior has progressed far enough, the actor might chose others who are less likely to report the activity or protest. SHE kissed HIM! She admitted it, not HE said it. This isn't abuse by or of ANYONE. (Some might say the boy was a victim, but I cannot. If he is unjustly blamed and treated like a predator, then I might!)It was a kiss. It may be wrong and signal a deeper problem, but of course he is a boy so it must be abuse of the girl. This is what you are implying! Why aren't you more worried about:
a) the girl's future sexual behavior hurting HER.
b) other children, male or female, being abused by this young girl IF she continues this behavior (and it escalates) and is not evaluated?
Sometimes overreacting is as bad as not reacting at all.

If you read what I posted, I have suggested counseling/therapy for the girl. And I did not imply that the boy was abusing her. I would be just as worried about consequences to him. All I am saying is limiting/restricting their time togethor, which is protective of both of them. If I were the boys mother, I would be upset if no one told me about this.

I warned about the situation progessing. Does anyone else care???

MrsMadDog
"Why aren't you more worried about:
a) the girl's future sexual behavior hurting HER.
b) other children, male or female, being abused by this young girl IF she continues this behavior (and it escalates) and is not evaluated?"

because it doesn't fit into her agenda to prove the stepmom wrong. Either the stepmom is only motivated by her selfishness in wanting to protect her own daughter or she has overstepped her boundaries by being the one to relay any messages to the other parents. In some minds, it could never be that the step parent wants to help or do the right thing for this girl.

It's just an educated guess, but if the mom was here asking what to do about her daughter kissing the stepmom's step nephew, she would be told to keep her daughter away from the evil step people. It doesn't matter what angle is played, it's always the step's fault.

That doesn't make any sense, considering that both kids are somebody's stepchild.

This is so sad, no one wants to keep SD away from unsupervised time with a boy she has kissed until she has counseling/therapy to get past this. So sad.

KKNY:

Since you have trouble reading the facts in the post by helpwiththis I will answer your question for you.

You said "no one wants to keep SD away from unsupervised time with a boy she has kissed "

Helpwiththis said:

"Anyways, for the time being we are not going to let sd play with other kids out of our sight. We are not going to tell her this, as we do not want to make her feel badly, but we are just going to make sure she is within eyesight."

If they are within eyesight I would not consider that unsupervised time! So get over your "sadness"!

It is not clear to me what OP intends. You left off these sentences.

"And we are not going to avoid having my sister and her family over. None of us feel that would change what happened"

"With my stepnephew the situation is different. It was much less sexual than the situation with the girl was. This was only a kiss. And he is part of the family so it is less practical to avoid him."

What I meant by that is that my stepnephew is not going to be banned from my home over a kiss. If it would have gone further than that then it would be a different situation.

Of course we are going to keep them within eyesight from now on. Me and dh are going to keep my sd in eyesight any time we have other kids over from now on.

Nowhere did I say that I felt sd could be left alone with ANY other child! I thought I said much the opposite. Sorry you have a one track mind of seeing anything possibly negative in a post.

"But he is 13 and it is not unheard of for a 13 yr old to kiss."

But it is in no way ok for a 13 year old to kiss an 11 year old! Would someone tell me what age difference would be required for you to believe the primary culpability lay with the boy? What if he were 18?

ima,

"But, I worried about raising a girl in today's society of casual sex,"

Are you not equally worried about raising two boys in today's society of casual sex?

For me, the issue here has nothing to do with stepfamilies, and everything to do with a culture that looks the other way when boys act out sexually.

Nobody looked the other way. But we are also not letting him carry all the blame. The kissing was my sd's idea. This is not her first instance of doing something sexual so my concern and my dh's concern lays more with her.

A few years from now there will be plenty of high school boys who will be trying to pressure girls into sexual behavior. We do not want her to fall prey to it. We can blame the boys all we want but we also need to teach the girls to not do sexual things so young! It won't do us any good to blame the boys when she becomes pregnant or gets and std.

Helpwiththis,

I completely agree with you. There will always be boys who are willing to do things or even pressure her to do things as she gets older. And blaming them won't do her any good. I think it is very important to teach girls to stand up for themselves and teach them to respect themselves and their bodies enough to not be sexual at a young age. And it is important that they know the consequences of sexual behavior.

SHE IS A LITTLE KID!! There is plenty of reason to take her to counseling, and for your sister's stepson's parents to take him to counseling, but absolutely no reason to tell the child that you are "disappointed in her," to blame her, or to be upset with her - anymore than you would be disappointed in her if she came down with the flu. It is silly to warn a child who is young enough that she is likely still playing with dolls that kissing leads to babies, when that likely sounds like a fun idea to a child that young.

I don't think I've seen anything from the OP stating definitively whether or not the girl is in counseling or if they're seeking it for her. I would very strongly recommend counseling for the stepdaughter if she isn't already in it.

When I think of what could happen to her, I'm reminded of something that happened when I was in high school. There was a retarded girl in my grade who was sexually victimized by some of the boys who weren't in the "special" classes. I'm not suggesting that the OP's stepdaughter is in any way mentally impaired, but at her age, she may be similar to that retarded girl in some ways. The girl had adult hormones, but a child's curiosity and a child's incomplete understanding of situations. There were undoubtedly things she knew about kissing and other behaviors, but the boys took advantage of the fact that she couldn't judge things effectively. They traded on her eagerness to be accepted and to (she thought) be regarded as a mature person.

You can watch your stepdaughter as best you can, but there will be times when she's out of your sight. To me, the combination of actions and judgment she's exhibiting sound like red flags for the future. Bluntly, she sounds like she could grow into the sort of young person that predators and problematic boys seem to seek out, and it doesn't sound as if you and your husband are succeeding in changing how she's acting on your own. The right counselor could help steer her on another path, and I really think it would be better to find someone and get started now if you haven't already done so.

I couldnt agree more -- the child needs counseling. I have continually said I was not trying to place blame, but solve a situation.

I have mixed feelings about counseling. Everyone suggests counseling to "fix" most situations. I have yet to see counseling work. Many times I have seen these counselors fill childrens heads with excuses why they behave the way they do without really changing the behavior.

For example I saw a situation where a young girl was in counseling because of her mothers death. When the girl would get in trouble (stealing, ditching school, etc.) the counselor always explained it off as a result of her mothers death. The girl went on to also use this excuse. She is an adult now and I can not see any benefits counseling did for her, she is still a mess!

Another example is the daughter of a co-worker of mine. The girl (a teenager) has major anger issues (though her parents are still married to eachother and have a wonderful marriage and her siblings are all fine). Anyways the counselor explained her violent outbursts (throwing things and hitting her family members) by saying that she does it because she "feels safe" at home and can express herself! Let me tell you how much that explanation did not help!

As far as a 13 yr old boy needing counseling because he kissed a girl...I find that excessive!! That is an appropriate age to start being curious about girls.

I wonder how people handled problems with their children before counseling became such a big deal?

Quote: *Anyways, for the time being we are not going to let sd play with other kids out of our sight. We are not going to tell her this, as we do not want to make her feel badly. *

Protecting and nurturing this precious 11 yo child is what is important here. Not the slim possibility that your DD might be *embarrased* by her step sister in class next year. I'm Sorry but I'm picking up a cool attitude towards your SD in your posts. And no I am not an *evil* first wife or BM. I'm the Adoptive mother of 11 yo Twin girls.

* This child needs to be in Counseling to find out exactly where this behaviour is coming from.

* Giving her false information for eg. the non-blood relationship between her and nephew only confuses her. Yes the behaviour was wrong but trying to shame her out of it by adding incestuous connontations is WRONG. (Regardless of your personal belief on the subject)

* We are talking about an 11 yo child here. From Some of your posts, I'm Sorry but if there wasn't an age you'd think She was a teenaged harlot. She's a Child! She may have Started her period but She's still a child and sounds a confused, stressed and in-need one at that.

* She needs a professional to handle this. You are not the right person frankly. She needs someone to talk to who knows what they are doing and is going to help her for her. Someone who isn't going to a thatch shame or blame to her problem.

I'm sure you mean well but if things are left as they are, She is going to end up feeling alone, ashamed and with no self esteem.

There is NO age when it is appropriate to be "curious" about 11 year old children.

monoral75,

I agree completely.

"ima,

"But, I worried about raising a girl in today's society of casual sex,"

Are you not equally worried about raising two boys in today's society of casual sex?"

Of course I worried about all my children. But, with my boys, I didn't have to worry about them wearing thong underwear, low rise pants with a one inch zipper and their ass crack hanging out, with a tramp stamp.

When my kids were in Jr. High, there were stories about girls giving boys oral sex, just for fun. Not boyfriends, not even friends.... they were just bored or dared to do it. In society, girls/women are exploited sexually more often than boys. There is longer lasting trauma to girls that are 'taken advantage of'. When girl becomes pregnant, it's HER body that is affected. So, of course there are more concerns with daughters than with sons. I had many talks (and still do) with my son's about respecting females and of the consequences can affect, not only them, but the girl and any child that comes along.

I definitely think the boy here should have known better and his parents should deal with him, but the concern in the OP is for the girl. She's showing a pattern of behavior that is disturbing and if nobody does anything about it... likely it will get worse. Running off every boy with a stick is not going to make this girl understand the position she's putting herself into. She's 11, she's NOT a little girl. She's old enough to become pregnant and needs to know that if she sends out signals (intentionally or unintentionally) then she may get more than she bargains for.

Of course, boys have responsibility for their actions. I don't excuse any boy of any age for acting inappropriately, but the issue for OP is her step daughter.

My thoughts on counseling.....

It's wonderful if you need it and want it. I don't think it works much for kids. My step daughter spent over a year in counseling. She had a wonderful counselor that she loved and always looked forward to visiting. Her counselor gave her a cookie or snack and drink, they went for walks, they played games, they wrote stories and letters but in that time, there was very little change in behavior. The counselor knew that my SD's behavior problems with me were a direct result to things that BM was saying at her house. SD would tell the counselor how nice I was to her, tell her all the nice things I did for her, etc. etc. and her counselor asked her why did she ignore me and won't look at me when she comes back from her mom. SD would say "I don't know." and if the counselor mentioned BM, SD would not discuss anything to do with her mom. The whole reason she was in counseling was so she could deal with her mom leaving for the new BF. In my opinion, she hasn't dealt with it at all and instead, she's creating fantasy and overly protective of her mom. At the same time, she takes it out on me that her mom left her. I think when she's older and wants to figure out a solution, then counseling might help her. I've gone to counseling over the years and it helps when I am ready and willing to work through whatever problem I'm having. Too many people treat counseling like a medical doctor (although psychiatrists are) but a counselor cannot 'fix' you unless you want to be fixed. It's about as effective as the court ordering a drunk to attend A.A.

That's just my 2 cents on counseling.

Thanks for sharing IMA. I am going to post a new thread about counseling.

monorail,

You have not been on here long enough to form an educated opinion on posters. How can you say I have a cool attitude towards my stepdaughter after joining on here only 2 weeks ago? I have not even been posting on here much in a long time because things were going well.

I joined a stepfamily forum to get advice and share experiences with other stepparents. That should show my committment to being a good stepparent. I help take care of my sd 24/7. Her mother choses to party and date losers instead of being a mom. I choose to be a mom to my dd and my sd. I love them both very much. I do not have a cool attitude towards my sd. On the contrary-I love and care about her very much.

We are not shaming and blaming her for this situation. But we are telling her that what she did was not okay and we are explaining why it is not okay and things that could happen in the future with this type of behavior. And we are keeping more of a watchful eye on her actions--as I said without her knowing this. We do not want to hurt her self-esteem.

And whether her cousin is step or biological he is still a member of the family. We did not sit her down and tell her it is her biological cousin--she knows he is not. But we did talk to her about them both being members of the same family and family members do not act like that towards eachother.

This story brings back some memories from my own childhood, though no step kids were involved.

One of my sisters and a neighborhood boy (the same age - grade school) showed one another their private parts. My mother got wind of this, told the boy's mother and let her deal with him. My Mom pulled my sister in for a talk and I overheard what she had to say.

She told my sister that there are boys who will pull down their pants and they will try to get a girl to do the same but that the girl needs to say NO and remain in control of herself.

It was such good advice.

Wow June! You mean that nobody pressed charges against the boy? And your sister was not hauled into extensive counseling asap?

I'm just joking! My dh and I were talking about this situation and he said that at about 12 he had "played doctor" with a girl in his neighborhood. Neither was hurt, put in counseling, or grew up to have issues with sex. I never thought of those games at 11 or 12. But, I also did not live by any boys. My whole block was girls.

I think your moms advice was great June! If any of our girls get into a situation like this I may use that line!

Lol, Mom2emall. My Mom was always very straight-forward and we were never left with any doubt as to where she stood on any particular subject!

The sister in question never had any emotional problems as a result of this. She graduated from college with honors, married, owns her own business and has two teenaged daughters of her own. She's a wonderful mother and yes, she's had the "boys will pull down their pants" talk with both girls as a preventive measure!

hwt, my only experience with something like this is from 20-something years ago, & it's second-hand at that, but this sounds so much like it...

A couple in my church adopted a little boy whose parents' rights had been severed because of sexual abuse.

The first year of life with Daniel was traumatic for all three:

Daniel's kindergarten called the new mom to come pick him up because he was approaching children and adults sexually.

Daniel went to a few birthday parties & was quickly blacklisted because of his sexual overtures to guests & parents.

Daniel & his new parents went to intensive counselling, & the new mom quit her job to take care of Daniel...
not only did he need full-time mothering, but he kept getting thrown out of day care.

The parents learned that children who have been abused sexually almost always approach others sexually;
it's what the children have learned to do for attention, approval, companionship...love, or a cheap facimile thereof.

Yet their abusers have also shamed them into keeping the big secret;
Daniel never said one word about previous sexual "activity".

Based on what you *know* of sexual activity at her mother's house, I'd bet that this young girl has seen, *& been involved in*, a lot more than you know.

She'll keep approaching people, girls, boys, grown men, whoever, sexually because *that's what she knows how to do*.

I wouldn't notify CPS unless I knew for a fact that there was no other way to protect her;
when CPS gets involved, they're in control, not the child's other parent.

but if I were her father, I'd talk to some private investigators & see if I could find evidence of sexual "activity" (abuse) at her mother's house, & use that as leverage to get her mother to give me custody, so I could get her some counselling & keep her safe.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks Sylvia for your advice. Let me give you a little history.

A while back sd had her first kissing/touching experience with a neighborhood girl that had recently moved to our area. When we found out we talked to the girls family and they admitted that this was not the first time for their daughter. Another child had suggested the same game to her. Then in turn she played it with my sd. We decided it best not to allow the girls to play together anymore. We talked to sd about this game, how to say no, peer pressure, etc. Things seemed fine since. The girl has since moved which leads me to believe that there may have been more to her sexual behaviors. But sd and dd never went to the girls house--the girl was always here. Thank goodness!

Fastforward a few months and you have this incident.

She is not acting sexually all the time, these are isolated incidents. She has many friends at school and is invited to parties.

We are sure she has been exposed to some sexual things at her moms between R rated movies she has been allowed to watch to her mom having sex during the day in the next room. We have no reason to believe that sd has been involved in any sexual behaviors there. She has just not been sheltered enough from it.

And we have custody. BM has visitation but never uses it anymore. She did not regularly use it before. It has been months since her last visit and her phone calls are few and far between. So we really have no reason to call cps. SD is not being abused. She is just hitting puberty too early and too curious too early.

We are not shaming and blaming her for this situation. But we are telling her that what she did was not okay and we are explaining why it is not okay and things that could happen in the future with this type of behavior. And we are keeping more of a watchful eye on her actions--as I said without her knowing this. We do not want to hurt her self-esteem."

I think this is probably your best approach.

I agree that this is probably a case of adult hormones getting the best of a child's decision making skills, and I think your plan of talking about consequences / providing some extra supervision is good.

Over the next couple of years, her brain will start to catch up with her body. Hopefully by then she'll have picked up the values you guys are teaching now and have her head on straight about sex and body issues.

(And, FTR, I don't think you're cool towards SD at all! My impression is that you love her very much, but like to have a clear head, and look at the facts without being too clouded by emotion, so you work through your emotions on your own, before talking with all of us about things)

I hope these truly are isolated incidents of adolescent sexual exploration;
maybe she is in the grips of puberty & she's curious.

but she's also nearly 12, much older than 5-year-old Daniel, & much more adept at camouflage.

I wish you all the best.

Help, Ima jogged my memory on another thread, with her SD listening to Lollipop, a truly filthy rap song..There is another number one song out now called I Kissed a Girl...I wonder if your SD is influenced by this and acting out the lyrics..Peer pressure, maybe, I think a lot of parents hear these songs as white noise, and dont even know what kids are listening to..... There is a website, Lyrics com...Wouldnt hurt to ask what your SD s favorite songs are, in a casual way, and go to Lyrics and find out just what she s listening to....I used this as a tool for years(unbeknownst to my son)...Really gave me an insight into what he listened to and liked.... as to what was on his mind, and I was amazed at what I intuitively learned about him.....

That's so true dotz, my SD says she learned the song because BM put it on her MP3 player and she learned another truly disgusting song 'sexy can I' (which she was in her room singing without the radio so she knows the words by heart) from her sister, who is 12. So, it would make sense if an 11 year old is being influenced by the songs and videos... there's a lot of nasty stuff out there.

OMG Her mom put it on her MP3!!! Get to Lyrics if you dont know the words, you will be appalled!!! I know a lot of the 11 to 16 listen to that type of station, before they outgrow that type of music..They bleep the truly offensive words, but the kids know what the words are...I remember my parents flippin out over Louie, Louie, but it is SO different today...But even if your kids listen to, say country music, you can almost read their minds when you listen to the words of the songs they like..Look for the top 5 faves on my space.....My SS 25 likes Pain..(he has a happy marriage,) the lyrics are ....Pain, at least I can feel, I can take it...I know that is directed at his dad, they are estranged..Tells us so much....

"In society, girls/women are exploited sexually more often than boys. There is longer lasting trauma to girls that are 'taken advantage of'."

I am not sure that all those boys who were abused by priests would agree. I think that boys who are exploited sexually or abused may suffer trauma that is equally long lasting, though it may be a different kind of trauma.

well, "I've slept on it", & I'm back to where I was yesterday.

There's always more stuff going on than we know about,
especially when it comes to sexual behavior.

You *know* that this girl has observed sexual activity between her mother & more than one man.

You *know* that her mother deliberately has her listen to sexually graphic lyrics.

Sexual abuse doesn't stop at any certain point.

It becomes more direct & it becomes physical.

A child who has been subjected to one kind of sexual activity is likely to have been used sexually herself.

I'd have a doctor check her out, at the very least.

I was appalled when I saw the video... well, actually when my son told me what the song was about (before I heard the lyrics). What happened to the FCC? I was watching 'the coal miner's daughter' the other day and thought of that when she said 'horny' and the radio manager went ballistic that they could lose their license. Oh how times have changed!!!

Do you remember the CONDEMNED list in the Catholic newspaper, movies we were not allowed to see...Maybe we can bring that back for music, movies and videos LOL Seriously, I think a lot of parents are not watching closely enough what the kids are watching, listening to.....

UGH. Everybody needs counseling for everything these days. This kids obviously seen/heard a little TOO much from Mom or whoever. She can't be left unsupervised with boys OR girls so the gender difference is irrelevant. The age difference is equally irrelevant....the boy wasn't 18. He is just as much still a kid as her. I think talking to her about the consequences of sexual behavior and keeping a real close eye on her is good for now. She isn't the first 12 year old to be kissing on people I promise. I hate to burst all your bubbles. I did it. All kids do, some or just better at not getting busted.

There's no need to embarrass the child by forcing her to talk to a total stranger about her hormones and sexual urges. I think therapy can sometimes do more harm than good. It's like saying "There's something wrong with you...you need to see psychologist." Talk about labeling. I would want to be absolutely sure that she has a problem and not just normal curiosities before slamming her into therapy. Her urges are normal but she has GOT to learn to control it and she doesn't need a therapist for that.

She needs EXTRA attention also. Make it a point to spend more one on one time with her. Encourage the DH to do the same. Get her to talk to you guys about whats going on.

Doodleboo you made a really good point. I had not even thought of the negative impact it might have on the girl by taking her to talk to a stranger and how that alone might make her feel. It would probably be pretty scary for a young girl.

I think family counseling is called for. Even if the girl would interpret going to counseling as "There's something wrong with you...you need to see psychologist," that is not as bad as "There is someting wrong with you...you are immoral" which I believe is the message that she she is getting from her SM.

"She isn't the first 12 year old to be kissing on people I promise. I hate to burst all your bubbles. I did it. All kids do, some or just better at not getting busted."

If her "curiosities" are normal at her age, then what exactly did she do wrong? Why is it a problem that she kissed a boy? Why is the OP so upset? She didn't say that they did anything beyond kissing.

My daughter sees a therapist. It has been difficult for her dealing with divorce. I said to her, this is a person who can help you feel better, be happier, and help coach you how to deal with things. I said to her, you are a great person, but we all need help at times. My daughter has made tremendous progress. She had issues with grades 2 years ago, now is an honor student. Maybe she would have changed on her own, but to me, it is like insurance. You might not need it, but good to have.

My daughter meets with her every other week, and I come for a joint meeting once a month. Therapist can talk to both of us, and help us navigate.

TOS,

My point is the OP shouldn't be that upset over it. It's not something that needs to be totally blown out of proportion. i.e. therapy, counseling, exc. This child needs someone to explain to her that her feelings ARE normal because they are. She just needs a trusted adult to talk her through her emotions and of course like Help said....she'll also have to be closely supervised. My guess is it's a faze. If she gets alot of negative attention for these actions she'll be more likely to continue doing them if it's in fact the attention she craves.

KKNY,

Sometimes therapy may be a good thing. I don't completely diss on therapy I just really feel it is grossly overused in place of good old fashioned parenting.

In divorce cases I think the ex's sometimes need therapy because if the adults haven't completely gotten over the divorce it makes it extremely hard for the children to move on from it. If there is constant discord and drama between the families becasue of bitterness the children are affected by it. I'm not saying this is your case but I know any confusion the girls have had over the divorce has come mainly from their mother either intentionally or inadvertently.

Doodleboo,

My dd's issues, if any, do not come from any Xs not "getting over it". She has had to deal with a major upheaval in her life. Her dad sees her maybe one dinner a month and one weekend every six months/year. Trust me, he has more than gotten over it. And this is not atypical for dads. My frustation is having to be the only parent virtually 24/7.

Its nice for SMs to pretend that divorce doesnt effect chldren. But it is not always that parent wont move along, it is that child has to deal with issues. Her dad has shown no parental responsiblities.

KKNY

I meant in our situaiton. Not yours. In some cases therapy is a good thing but I still think it's used as a cop out so parents don't have to deal with their kid's issues alot.
I didn't mean you and your daughter I mean in general.