Hi there. I responded to the other forum. Again, why is the a 20 something year old in your home acting this way? THROW HER OUT! Her dad will get over it. He allows his kids to act this way to you? Maybe you need to get rid of him also. I would never be allowed to treat my step parents with anything other than respect. I am much older than she is also and had stepparents during that age. As far as the silence on the phone. I only say hello once. If there is I dont hear anything I hang up. Try it. I would put money on it that it works. If they call back and its the same thing HANG UP! Your husband allows his adult children to belittle you. Its not like they are little and throwing a fit in the store. These are adult children that if your husband would gather up his balls and tell them this is going to stop or dont come around this wouldnt go on. I am not beating you up here but, strangers on the street treat you better than your family. Its up to you to put a stop to it. Keep up updated

Rara -
For the "rude silence", say "hello" once, or whatever your normal greeting is. Wait a couple of seconds, and if they don't start talking, just hang up. They will call back furious, and just say, cheerily, "Sorry 'bout that. I thought it was a hang-up call". And keep doing it until they promptly ID themselves when you answer the phone.

As for the SD ... you and your husband need counselling: he is letting his daughter RUIN his wife's life, and he is not helping his daughter with his tolerance of her clinging behavior. Allowing her to treat you with disrespect is not a loving gesture, and is not the way one treats the woman one claims to love.

Sometimes when my skids call the house when they are with their mother, they're out of control and ridiculously silly. She is a very loose parent and allows her children to get wild then wonders why they can't calm down or listen when she says it's time for bed. We'll get to the phone and they will make silly noises, scream or just not have a normal conversation. It goes against our opinion on how children should be raised. Etiquette is huge with us. So one day when the skids were here I told them that it bothers Daddy and I that they do that....and it is disrespectful and from now on when it happens, we're just going to hang up. Sure enough when they got back to Bio-Mom's they got on the phone and were a thousand times worse with the behavior....so I hung up. The phone rang back and it was SS. He was mad that we hung up. I explained why I did it....told him it was not very nice and that his actions didn't make me feel like he wanted to talk...so why should I talk? He stayed upset.... When he came back with us, we talked about it so that he would understand it wasn't because we didn't love him or want to talk with him. He got it..... And it never happened again.
In this case, my fiance supported me 100%....And any time the kids have ever said anything off color he was on them for it immediately. Your husband is being unfair....however, he probably doesn't know what the hell to do. He's caught in the middle of his woman and his daughter-a tough place to be. And no doubt, he feels guilty...every man does on some level and that makes it hard. I know my fiance dealt with that early on-the feeling of failing his children and not giving them the "life" that children deserve. I know he is over that, but it will never truly be gone. Part of that is normal....but what is abnormal is when the person is so caught up in their own problem with things that they cannot see that someone is being mistreated. The first step is to try and work that out with him. Counseling was a lifesaver for D and I.... The tendency is for each person to protect themselves and their interests...for a divorced man with children, he protects himself and the kids... D couldn't see past himself and listen to me. The therapist was a third party who could agree or disagree which allowed him to be more open-minded hearing it from someone else.
Some men are not open to seeing a therapist....some men can't change.... If you love him and truly want to be with him, but know that you cannot change his way of handling things, then you definitely have EVERY right to take matters into your own hands. And you have the right to do it ANY way you would like.
If I were in your shoes and I knew it was pointless to have my husband see it my way, when I see the caller ID and it's SD, I would answer...ALWAYS!!!!! Always be the one to answer-she needs to get used to that. If there is silence, say, "SD, I know it is you, I have caller ID, I find what you are doing to be rude and disrespectful, if you are having a problem, I'm here to talk about it and want to have a better relationship with you...however if you cannot show me the respect I deserve when you call by having proper phone manners, I'm going to have to hang up on you...I will not tolerate that." If she says nothing, hang up. If she calls back and does it again, hang up. And if she keeps doing it, hang up. Hang up on her every freakin time...and if her father gives you a hard time about it, hang up on him too.......or walk away if he's at home. If he takes issue with it, tell him, "you haven't supported me, so I had no choice."
I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your husband...are you happy??? Do you get along? Do you ever talk about the way his children treat you?
Anyway, please realize you have every RIGHT to feel this way and to do something about it. I think you also have to understand how the children feel...but it's a two way street...and they are old enough that respect and consideration should be expected!!!!!!!

It's been my experience in life so far that when you have two people who can't get along, but really do want to make things work, they will find a way. The problem is, sometimes people just don't want things to work.

I think you should absolutely stand up for yourself when they act rude and disrespectful. It needs to come from both you and your husband. I hate when people play games (and that's what these women are doing) but I have a lot of respect for people who play straight with me. If I have done something to offend you, tell me. Chances are I just didn't have a clue or I let my emotions run away with me and said/did something inappropriate. It happens to us all. They may be testing you to see if you will insist on being treated with respect - if you don't, you will have a life time of this garbage. Stomp on it before it breeds, so to speak.

Everytime they try something like you have just described (the telephone game) I would call them on it- in a firm but gentle way - and let them know how you feel. With this game in particular, since you have caller ID, pick up the phone and say "Hello, so and so. I see your name on our caller ID, how are you today?"

If these women have resolved themselves against accepting you, there is probably very little you can do about it. I suspect ANY woman who came into your husband's life would be greeted in the same manner, which is really a shame, because they are just shutting out a chance to have someone new and wonderful in their lives.

If they are just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that dad has moved on, then maybe you might have to just be patient. Get some books on dealing with grief - maybe if you understand where they are coming from, you can sort of see what you can do to help them with their grief, without them even knowing it. How about also inviting them to lunch, one on one? Maybe you have tried this already, but if not, maybe just let them know 1) you are interested in their lives and 2) you are ready and willing to do whatever you can, when and if they are ever willing to let you, and then, to use your word, detach and concentrate on the things that make you happy. Maybe if they just know the invitation is out there, one day they may take you up on it.

Let me just say, "coddling" the youngest like they seem to be doing is a bad idea - we all have our share of grief and heartache in this world. It's all about how you handle it. At some point, you gotta move forward and they are not helping her do that. Maybe you could share some ideas on how to handle grief with first your husband, then maybe the two of you can share with the rest of the family. Just an idea.

Let me also just say twenty is a difficult age. My own brother is twenty and we don't have stepfamily issues in our family - my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary in February. My brother is having a hard time just trying to figure out where he is going in life - how to leave high school behind and accomplish what he wants to accomplish in life. I remember having the same struggle. It might be even harder if she doesn't have a clue what she wants in life yet - I always knew I wanted to an attorney and my brother is an aspiring young actor who landed a lead role in a play in Chicago this summer (I am sooooooo proud of him)! So, you might have to make some accommodations for the fact that she is just young and confused, but at the same time, don't take any sh*t from her either. People need to understand they are consequences to the things you say and do.

Hanging up the phone is a good idea and one I would probably use as a last resort. Make sure that your husband knows that you are at your wits end and you are doing this as a last resort. You run the risk of him getting mad at you. If SD knows that her games are putting a wedge in her dads marriage, then she might turn up the heat. So it would be best coming from your hubby.

Even if you get you SD straighten out, someone else will come along eventually to try and sabotage your marriage. It is up to you and you hubby to unit and not let others destroy your relationship.

First of all, his children are like bullies. They are doing this silence thing to upset you. Don't let it work. Don't let them know they are bothering you. What you need to do is impart a message that 1. you are angry and 2. you will not be harrassed. Just don't let them know that you know they are behind it all! That would just be way too much satisfaction for them.

I think hanging up is a great idea! I would do it not as a last resort, but immediately! What I would do is this:

Answer the phone as you usually do and give them a normal amount of time to reply, then say "HELLLLOOOO?" (sternly). If you still get nothing, just say (as if to someone else in the room with you), "I don't know why we keep getting these hang up calls. Seems like once a day or so I answer the phone and no one is there" then hang up the phone. (Make sure the step-child on the other end can hear what your saying to the "other person" in the room with you.)

Then when the step-child calls right back answer with a very rude "HEL-LO?!" and when he/she indentifies him/herself. Say (quite innocently) "Oops! I didn't mean to answer so rudely, but we've been receiving some very annoying hang-up calls and I thought this was another one. If they don't stop, I think I am going to call the phone company and have them traced so I can file harrassment charges with the police."

Now, you've not attacked the step-child directly, so (s)he can't run to daddy and get sympathy from him for you being mean, but they will know you won't put up with harrassment. If it still continues, follow through with your threat - call the phone company and the police. Then be just as shocked as everyone when you find out who it was...

I personally think your husband needs to start backing you up and stop allowing his children to treat you like dirt. He is afraid of upsetting them, however; he needs to take a step back and realize that they obviously aren't afraid of upsetting him... they treat his wife like dirt! (Anyone who treats my spouse poorly is a jerk in my book!)

I wouldn't allow my young children to treat anyone the way they treat you. Adult children should know better without being told though. They don't so he needs to set them down and have a "family meeting". Their father loves you and they need to respect HIS feelings for you, if not you.

Good luck, please keep us up to date on how things are going.
P

Sounds like a rough situation, but I would try very hard not to be pulled down to her level. If you know who it is on the phone (ie caller ID) I think it would be rude to hang up even if the person on the other end is purposely slow to respond. I don't think it is particularly helpful to deal with passive aggressive people in an indirrect way. Instead, since you have caller ID, I'd just answer "Hi, stepdaughter's name." If she doesn't respond immediately, "Isn't caller Id a great invention. I love answering phone when I know it is a dear friend or family member instead of a telemarketer." And then ask a question. Any questions at all. If she doesn't answer, then she will be the one sitting uncomfortably, not you.

It is very challenging to deal with a passive aggressive person/family. If you get drawn into the little games you will lose - they have been playing much longer than you and know all the tricks. The things they don't know much about are frank, honest conversations.

How about this to end the rudeness.

You answer the phone, knowing it's her from your caller ID, and get silence. Say Hello ... pause ... HELLOOO .. then use her name and say sweetly "Janet, you must be having phone problems because I can't hear you, so I'm hanging up now". If you really want to drive the point home, call her right back after you disconnect. Say "I don't know if you could hear me, but I got dead silence when you called before. Why don't you have your phone line checked?".

Now, if the silences continue, when it next happens you can say something like "Janet, you must still be having phone troubles. If you can hear me, we'll talk to you later". And hang up.

You're not being rude or ugly. You're simply assuming that the rudeness could not possibly be done on purpose, there surely must be technical issues! You're giving her the benefit of the doubt. How can you go wrong?

Bet she'll get her phone "fixed" real fast!

That's a great suggestion Mom_2_4! Subtle yet effective! You're right, that should "fix" the problem real fast :-)
P

If she is not tooo passive aggresive then it might work. Else you might start getting "Private Caller" or calls from pay phones. But then there is always still the threat of getting the police involved.

If the SD started getting creative and blocking her caller ID or calling from pay phones, I'd call the phone company real quick and for a few dollars each month add the feature that stops "blocked" caller ID's from getting thru. Nobody rings straight thru unless the caller ID identifies them. If it's blocked, they have to go thru a process of identifying themselves before the call is put thru to your home.

If this kid would go to the trouble of calling from pay phones or blocking her caller ID just to annoy RARA, she needs some serious counseling!