I have to give you credit for still being in your kids lives after all you have been and are going through.
I think sometimes though, you hve to take a step back and ask yourself if what you are doing is right. Your kids are at an age where they can make up their own minds about the situation. At the moment you feel they are either scared of their SD or brainwashed.
There is no easy answer to this apart from hang in there, try not to question the kids about their homelife and just make their time with you good not bad.
You might sit there and think i dont know what i am talking about, but i do. I am a step-parent and know how hard it is. But i am also a mother of 3 great kids who have a step-dad (my other half).

You need to take a step back and let the kids decide what is right and wrong. It might take them a while but at least its not costing you a fortune in lawyers fees.

Sorry i wasnt much help xxxx

This is not legal advise, and, as I was told, please check with the state laws before you do this.

A friend of mine believed that her 12 yr old daughter was being abused by the x and his new gf whenever the child was over there.

So she didn'e have alot of money, and went into the security firm nearby and spoke to the GM explaining her position. He gave her a tiny recording setup, that she hid in one of the kid's things.

The end of the thing is that she got real life voices and the rest on tape. She took to lawyer, who was able to use as a means to file charges and get a restraining order against the new gf for her child, since the kid took it into the home in her pouch pocket and the BM did'nt plant it in the house. The ex didn't have a legal leg to stand on. he eventually lost custody.

Your oldest is 19, then 18 and 15, put the device, without their knowledge, into their bags or something that will be left lying around the house and that they will return to you with.

The 1st two are old enough to stand for themselves legally, but until they have the courage, take soem drastic actions. It is a drastic situation after all.

Mayybe you can encourge their support later on, after you get legal advise with your new proof, and show them that there may be an end to this. They may take a stand ir they think there is actual hope.

Hope someone comes up with something else on the legal manipulation side.

Please do not feel that you have failed, you obviously love these kids, and the state always feels sympathetic to the mother, even if she is no protection to the kids in a situation like this.

She is the one that dropped the ball, not you.

keep posting...

Please don't sell that girl's horse, find the money somewhere else.

Not riding the horse is likely not her idea;
one of the most effective ways to control someone is to isolate the person from what they love.

Thanks very much. Very good advice, some I know, yet need to refocus. I will look into the device Aisha, sounds awesome. Donna Anne Your empathy and Validation is encouraging. My daughter wouldn't answer my calls, so I called her at her part time job. She said she hadn't answered because she wasn't ready to talk. I asked her if she felt better, she said she was still PO,ed. I told her that I have never jumped on her on any of these issues, she said she was angry at herself. I told her that wasn't right. She's not supposed to feel that way. I told her we could get her an apartment. She said she wanted to wait till she graduated and get an apartment with her boyfriend. Then I called the 19 yr old son, he said the pay stub thing makes him feel like he's doing something against them. I explained that, its just black and white info, and that everyone doe's it and has to go through these procedures. That to think it was wrong would be distorted thinking. He said he felt sorry for my daughter. Which was good because he's never been to nice to her. I told him I apriciated his empathy for her. Which he has of course because he can relate. He said, it has to be worse for her because he himself is supporting himself.
When my daughter showed her fear, apprehension and sadness. also detachment was quite visible. I felt stress in my shoulders and head. I wanted a verbal confrontation with the SD in a big way. Because Im sure my passivity gives him free rein. Ive learned to speak up a lot more these last five years. Because there inflamatory redrick turns cop,s GAL,s and judges against me. So Ive learned to forget the preliminarys and jump right on the aces. It has helped. Last Labor Day weekend was my holiday. The BM family has a annual reunion. If the BM would ask I would trade in a heartbeat But since she,s not allowed to talk to me, they prefer to steal it. I called the 14 yr old at the time, at 4:00. Pick up time was 6:00. He said they were getting ready to leave. I told him to stay right there I was on my way and I would have the cops there. When I arrived, the cops were there, I parked on the street and stepped out my car door. SD said he's not allowed on this property. The sheriff asked me to stay in my car we would talk in a minite. Sitting back down I could see the SD running his mouth. So I stood up again and said, "he has nothing to do with this and everything he says is Hogwash anyway. The sheriff guy said just a minute sir and I'll be with you. They walked to my car. They told me I would have to get a lawyer this was a civil offense. I said, it's also a criminal offense. Then the other deputy started acting like Barney Five, jabbing himself in the chest and rudely asking me if I was trying to tell him his job. So I said yes sir I guess I am. and I showed him a copy of the statutes. He said Oh, a class c misdemeanor, it might as well be a civil offense. On the way there I was hoping the SD or the BM would come out and opologize for the mishap and offer a trade and keep the conflict down. While I was talking to the cops. I found out from the youngest that the SD had pursued my crying daughter to her room demanding that she come out and tell the cops she didnt want to go. The nice cop said he would make a report. Since pick up time was 6:00 I went to the police department were I had been working with a detective on the visit problems. He wanted to call my ex, so he went down the hall. While I was sitting there my Daughter called. She was crying like I had never heard her before. ( in the past her voice would be strained and scared sometimes her face would be grey , sometimes a tear rolling down her face, like when she was 8 and I was picking them up. she came up to the door of the truck, she said, (Daddy" Alisha is going to the State Fair, I want to go but I need 5 more dollars and SD says if I see my friends again while I'm with you I'm in big trouble by him, I said "Honey, Grandpas getting the horses ready to go ride around the lake and maybe Alisha can go with us sometime. Turned out, My Dad was taking his other Grandkids to the fair, so we went. So BD rode rides with Alisha. The youngest told on BD. So they grounded her for two weeks. I explained discretion very nicely to the young boy and the other two. They have all been very discreet since. So I took them to court.... Back to the Detectives office. She called crying so hard she was struggling to breath, she said, Daddy I don't want to go with you and I don't want to stay here, I want to go to Jeanie's, I can talk to her. I told her I would pick her up and take her to Jeanie's at 6:00. I went to her work and told Jeanie that I was gonna bring my BD. Jeanie loved horses, so I told them if they wanted that they could relax for the night and that if they would like I would have the horses and a paid campsite at the state park for the weekend if they liked. Jeanie's Father had always kept her from her Mother and she was seeing her Mother behind his back. I picked up the kids and told them that I would take them to that reunion if they preferred it to the park that I could find something to do in that part of the state. They said the Horse thing was good. Yet it was obvious to me that they were internalizing much of the weekend. Back to the State fair and the no phone contact and taking them to court. I knew they would lie and manipulate the court, so I took a newspaper reporter with me. He had put my pic on the front page of the town paper and gave me a nicname (Boxing tournement) without my permission so he had to help me. (positive manipulation?) At court the SD left the court room, went into the clerks office, told them someone was taping. They went into the hearing room behind the judge and told him. The judge went to the reporter and tore the tape out of his recorder with an attitude. The judge continued the hearing for more evidence. That was like Feb 2, then like feb 21st an annoyomous caller called cps and said that my BD said she touched my thing through my pants. This is unknown to me, I go to pick them up, only the boys come out. The elder says she went with Mammaw. The next visit, no BD this time my boy said he'd call the police. I went to the door and asked my ex wheres my BD. she said, she's a liar and arrogant like you are. She was nine yrs old. I could be crying right now recanting this. Its been to much to long. I filed for an emergency hearing. No response, I filed again. The baliff told me on the phone, that my daughter had implicated the SD for sex abuse. I got the criteria on sex abuse from the National child abuse foundation. It said that a control freak is more likley to molest that a pervert. I thought my BD was teaching him a lesson. The more I learned the more I believed he did it. The CPS report reads that she said he felt her privates under her clothes and that he stood over the toilet and pee came out and he said thats where Babies come from. Cps sent her to family works, they sent her to the sex crime de3tectives. She told the same story each time, so brave. The criteria also said a child that age would not lie except to escape an intolorable situation.
In the emergency hearing the exs lawyer was distorting things(right, wrong or indifferent, he was a litigator he said to me, in the hall when I confronted him) He filed saying my daughter implicated me then changed her story. The judge put me on supervised and the SD on a no-contact. He ignored it. I filed contempt, she was found in contempt for allowing it. they continued to ignore it. I picked up the boys. And sd was there with BD. I called the cops, they said stay there, we'll send someone. The cops pulled up to there house while I was down the street. My older boy about 12 wanted to head to the farm badly. I told him I had to be a Dad. The cops after talking to them, came and arrested me for invasion of privacy on a protection order. (Bogus allagations for protective order no hearing.) My boy ran crying to the house. I was hand cuffed and sat on the curb waiting for the patty wagon. while the BD and the youngest watched from a window. The cop refused to read the no-contact order. I am writing this for all the value I can get out of it. My wish is for healing of my kids and myself. It is certainly a blight that eats away. I wish to expose the system for what it is (primitive) This was in Indianapolis courts. I liked the head judge but only went in front of her once in 12 years. Its now moved to a more Humane County. Which theres only been one hearing. Where she tried to take my youngest a way this summer. The Judge put more stipulations on her. I hope I don't tick him off, cause this could be a turn around. Thank you for reading. This recounting gives me focus and determination to show the judge next week the hardship I'm dealing with and why my income is low. The support is paid. But I have to lift the kids up when there failing in school. I spent last summer trying to get SD off my kids. Thanks again for the feedback and encouragement.

simron,
I'm not sure I follow exactly everything that's going on, but one thing that's coming through loud and clear is your anguish over the situation you and your children are in. You're understandably angry, afraid, and sad that you can't protect your children from what sounds like a hellish life with their stepfather.

Is there someone, a counselor, therapist, or a community center for people seeking to get out of abusive homes where you and your children could get some help? My sense is that you're tied up in knots about what's going on, and perhaps aren't seeing very clearly. Can you remove your emotions from the equation in order to look at your children with fresh eyes? What do you see?

My very best to you and your children.

Ann

Ann, thank you. I am at a loss for direction, I am overwhelmed, everything you said. That my daughter felt guilty giving me her earnings to date and feeling guilty and angry for two days now validates to me that it is her job to serve her Mom and SD.That she's over eating and getting bigger makes me think its comfort foods and low self esteem. I was a SS since I was 4 My Dad had custody. He married a 17 yr old brat. I ran away at 15 and traveled the country. Being a voracious reader I studied a college text book called Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life as well as many others. So I feel I see whats inside of my daughter and that she can't get a handle on it. Sylvia hit the nail on the head and opened another window to look through, how they have taken so much that she loves. She has every interest interrupted to serve there hatred. She loves my airbrushing, she painted a shirt for her little half brother and her mom wouldnt let her give it to him. See ricknasby.com On the carvings, I feel I can see whats inside her like I can see whats in a Log. And its deprived, stunted and afraid. She's still fighting for life where she can and that's what has me tore up. I must try to post this, as it wouldn't let me respond to Sylvia last night. Thanks Ann.

I think I'm conditioned to what's next and next. Its like this SD see's my face on her body and lets her have it every time he thinks about me. Then he'll give her 20 bucks in Walmart and she thinks he's great. ( the abuser becoming the rescuer)Her Mom will tear her heart out because of me then be Buddy Buddy (Parentifing) So then like most of us she will seek to please to avoid the pain of an attack. Even if it means giving up visiting our beautiful home and her horse. The airbrushing she truley loves has been all but totally erased. When she was first around the SD when she was 5 or 6 She would be on the phone with me, she would say Bill's sitting here smiling at me and his face is red. I guess i'm still looking for a resolution. I,ve been proactive, yet its been such a uphill battle. I like the advice I've been given here a bout detaching, yet I feel so duty bound and responsible and that nothing could be more important. Because a way out would be nice, so nice. Yet I'm ready to sacrifice myself all at once instead of this accumlative stess and pain. Something for attention to my issue like Ghandi's starvation demo. Actually I thought bullets self inflicted would be faster. I know that was a very alarming statement. Anyone thats been on a mission for 12 years to protect there kids to no avail, needs to think what am I afraid of. Am I not bold or brave enough. I ask my kids not to be afraid. Well look at myself, What am I afraid of. A state cop in the hall of the court house 12 yr ago told me not to let this ruin my life. Such a kind statement. Would that have ment abandoning my kids the way my Mom did me. At 4 yr old I never knew where she went. No one would tell me. Then the SM came in with her cruelty. My BD wouldn't answer my questions. So there has to be that in the back of my mind that I would not impose on my kids.

It is clear that your ex resents you, she is making being the BD of her kids a truly miserable experience for you. Don't let her reduce you to what she will make of you anymore.

I am a big advocate of attacking back with strategy, putting away emotional thought.

Regaining the trust of a daughter is difficult, I would know, but it takes steady regular goodness and always being available for whatever.

Don't sell the horse, If I were you, when you get her with you briefly ask her what's going on, so she knows that you care and then make your time together really great, make her forget the bm's house for the while, demonstrate a good relationship to her, not always about the bm and the sd's madness.

This is the strategy ny mom employed to get me to trust my new SD after my dad left and married the SM fom hell.

Give a try. Don't worry to much about the boys they forget easier than girls and then again, these things will not hinder their progress the way they will a girl's.

Good luck... break out those paints next time and paint wiht her, get her enjoying life again, and remember you want to be a stronger voice than her bf... don;t get scared but your voice should just seem louder to her subconscious. You will achieve this by making being with you a good experience, be her escape.

Make it great!

Simron, update us.

Hi Aisha, Had court yesterday, They were trying to mod support, haven't got the order yet They found a court order that I wasn't complient on. I'd been paying her 60.00 instead of 80.00. for years! Couldn't believe that happened. Sold the horse for 2200.00, to pay it up. I have the option to by it back if I can do it soon enough. My Daughter is back to her kindly self. Yet at 18 she's still got the natural "not in touch enough" and legitimately busy school, boyfriend, and job agenda. Yet all the previous trauma is still in her mind of course. That her mental field of mobility is severely restricted away from all of the activity's that I do. Her fear would resurface in a second , by suggestion. My 15 yr old boy likes to carve like me. I told him on the phone last night (my cell, cuz his SD has never allowed them to use the house phone to call me.) that he could carve potatoes with a kitchen knife, And learn a lot. His Mom said something to him, then he asked if she had any potatoes, she said yea, do you want some for dinner? He said he wanted to cut on it. She said "no I don't have any! Then "is that your DAD? He said no. That's damage to him as well, that he would have to lie, that can also lead to cognitive distortion. I have a court date on the second hand smoke. I have to watch what I say on here because they brought printouts to court from 2 art forums that I frequent, as well as my website, trying to prove me lying on income. When I was allowed to talk in court I kinda rambled about the retribution against my daughter, and that I really couldn't even say her name in court. I told him that the SD had already smarted off to me in the hallway, and that he would tear my softhearted daughter apart. I asked how can someone function with this type of harassement. He said it had little impact on the issues at hand. But he wasn't apathetic. He chewed me out real good about the mix up on the insurance. I'm hoping he's just letting me know to be in good standing when I come back so he can help me. As well as doing his job. Thanks for asking! Simron

simron, I haven't been following any of the posts lately, so I don't know the background of your story. How do your children feel about all this? They're at an age where they have the right to make a decision about where they live. If they're having a bad time with mom and stepdad, they can opt to live with you, and the courts will back that up.

Yes simron, can you accomodate those kids? when I was 15 and decided not to return to my Bd's house, the courts couldn't rule against my will, which I made clear, I had a reasonable alternative in my mother's home. I agree with orangetree.

Ask your lawyer about the tactic that I suggested earlier, and show your kids that you can make their leaving their Bm's a real possibility.