"The hard part is I always thought that love, kindness and understanding would win out. She has rather grown meaner every time I've given into her, tried to side with her, taken her on shopping sprees....well, I always tell myself to stop enabling her and now I am trying to but she is being so cruel."

I think this sums up the problem. In an ideal world, love and kindness would conquer all, but it sounds like your SD needs more help than you or her father can give her alone right now.

You said she has done drugs and then mentioned her being impaired as she held her baby brother. I would strongly urge you to look into some sort of treatment program for alcoholism and or/drug addiction.

This girl needs help and fast--and really, it's your WHOLE family that will need the treatment. If SD goes into a treatment program that focuses on behavior modification, it is not just her behavior that has to change--EVERYONE has to change. You and DH will need to change the way you react to her, and really--the way you relate to her.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic and I have really come to realize that it is a disease that affects the WHOLE FAMILY. It really is about EVERYONE taking responsibility for their own actions and learning that the only person you can control is yourself.

A few questions--where is her mother? What does dad say about all this? Would he be supportive of her entering a treatment program, perhaps even a residential one initially? My experience has been that most reputable centers usually start out on an in-patient basis, and then as the patient moves through the program, he/she starts attending therapy on an out-patient basis.

I'm sorry your family is going through this! :( Stepchild or biochild, I am sure it's just heartwrenching. :(

Thank you for your response. You said what I was thinking and what some family members have pushed for with regards to the treatment program. The problem is that she does not want to go to treatment and there is no way to force her to. I really think if she does not get help she will wind up in jail. We don't want that to happen but feel so powerless.

It is heart-wrenching indeed.

Thanks again.

There ARE ways to force her. It is only a matter of wether you or DH or whoever is willing to do what it takes. This girl's actions are screaming for help. If she doesnt get into a treatment program and get some serious help ... she is headed for a serious downward spiral. And I agree with believer the family as a whole will need counseling if it has come this far. It never should have come this far.

If she is 16, she is still a minor and I also believe there are ways to force her into a program. It really sounds like that is what she needs at this point.

I have heard people say that there are only 3 ways out of addiction: sobriety, jail or death. :(

"The problem is that she does not want to go to treatment and there is no way to force her to."

Actually, this is not correct. She is a minor, and with the parents' permission, you can have her sent to a residential treatment center and held there against her will. A good friend of mine went that route with her son (violent, on drugs) at about that age, and the program they chose worked miracles. It was very strict and disciplined, very expensive ($40K for a year), but also, without a doubt, the best thing they could have done with that kid at that time. He's a new person -- one with a conscience and a work ethic.

There are companies that specialize in transporting delinquent teens to residential treatment facilities, and it generally works something like this: The parents get all of their paperwork in order, pack a trunk for 'Junior' and make arrangements with the transport company and residential school. On the appointed day, the parents arrange for any other kids to spend the night with friends, but they don't tell the teen anything. The transport team (generally two or three big 'Marines' types) arrives around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning when the kid is asleep and disoriented. Then they wake the teen, and while Mom & Dad explain what is going down, one transport team member quickly searches the teen's room for weapons and drugs. The other(s) stand nearby in case the teen explodes or tries to bolt. The teen is generally offered the choice of complying or being restrained (handcuffs usually), and they're off in under an hour with the teen still fuzzy-headed and confused. Essentially, it's a middle-of-the-night legal 'kidnapping' -- but the folks that have done this are convinced it's the safestand most effective approach.

Harrowing, certainly, and not always successful. In fact, there are some very mixed reviews of residential treatment facilities and transport companies. But when it works, it works.

Regarding the "middle of the night kidnappings and treatment programs"---

Be very wary of programs like these. I'm not saying there aren't good programs but a LOT of ones like these are not licensed/regulated by the state and use some extremely questionable tactics that border on abuse.

When I was growing up, family friends of ours had a 15 year old DD who got into drugs, started having sex, skipping school, getting arrested for shoplifting, etc. Her family was very, very wealthy and her parents arranged for her to do one of those "bootcamp wilderness camps." She was "kidnapped" in the middle of the night and spent several months at a boarding school/camp. They took them on hikes in the mountains and while she was there--one boy DIED. The kids were all questioned by the police and it turned out that the counslors were making the kids do horrible things like hold their urine as long as they could until they peed themselves---making them carry their poop in their hands--not allowing them to drink water for long periods of time--and many other "abusive" tactics. The school (I am pretty sure it was in Colorado) was shut down.

I would definitely talk to reputable counselors in your local area and first try to find a local treatment center before resorting to extreme tactics.

I'm sorry not believer lovehadley

I am new to this group and don't want to step on any toes, but what I am reading from the original post is that you are being treated really badly in your own home beachbound1 and it doesn't sound like you are getting a lot of support from the biological dad. As a parent you have a responsibility to care for all members of your family and keep them safe from harm. when that potential harm comes from within the home (as is the case with your SD and her brother) then you do need to act.

I know it is really hard. I have been a SM for almost ten years now and there are times when I have really hated it. I don't live in the US so I am not sure what rights you do have, but if you are feeling unsafe, and acting like an (unwelcome) guest in your own home then you do need to act, if not for yourself then for the younger brother. Get in touch with your local community centre and see what support is in your area to help deal with this - do you have a community constable or something similar where you are, who could let you know what options are open to you for the daughter (such as rehab etc) and take some action today.

My thoughts are with you
Lisa

I'm not quite understanding why your DH can't stop this kind of behaviour. My DH raised 3 kids and helped raise one of mine from age 12 and you can believe that none of them would have gotten by with that kind of thing, nor would my dad have tolerated it. It's hard for us moms to control them once they get that age but for a man it shouldn't be a problem. As for you trying to please her, I don't think I would bother with that until she shows you some respect. It's time for some tough love and for goodness sake take back control of your home. If the two of you can't do it then it's time for intervention. Good luck.

I am the DH and I agree, it is an awful situation. I raised three other children (now 23, 21, and 19) and never faced anything like this. The difference is that my first wife passed away when YD was 13 and I never had to deal with a kid that did all the things that she's done since.

Grounding worked with all the others and if it didn't work the first time a longer sentence did the trick. YD flat out doesn't care. Ultimately I got the police involved but all that has done is prolong the process and now we're on hold in terms of making any other decisions (treatment) until things are resolved in court.

Any time she steps out of line (breaking curfew, drugs, etc.) I've called the police and filed complaints. I've been in the police station more in the last year than the other 45 years of my life, ditto for the principal's office at school.

The problem is that I can't call the police because she acts weird or makes things uncomfortable...and I feel like I'm letting everyone down because of that, especially DW. She wants peace and no stress and I'm failing at that simple request.

I think YD needs help and I'm hoping that her court date tomorrow will be the first step. She is facing a willful concealment charge, possession of marijuana, and is also involved with a CHINS (CHild I Need of Services) petition. The thing is that nothing happens fast and she could very well end up at home, which is something DW doesn't want to face. However, since we involved the courts there may not be a choice. So we thought involving the police and seeking a CHINS petition was the way to go and now it may mean that she still has to live with us. Damned if I do and damned if I don't comes to mind. The thing is, you don't become an expert in all of this until it is too late and then you hope to never use that knowledge again. By the way, her first counselor recommended CHINS so it isn't like this was decided out in left field.

I thought it would be easy sailing after we both went through the loss of a spouse at a young age...guess I was wrong.

One other follow up...I wasn't at home when the incident happened with the baby. I can guarantee that I would have called the police if she refused to hand over the baby.

I've been vigilant regarding dangerous or out-of-control situations and as a first resort (which was the last resort once upon a time) I will call the police and get them involved so that we have a record of her behavior for when she goes to court.

Bbarton - What do you mean by "acting weird"?

What I'm asking is if you think there might be an underlying mental health issue. Perhaps bi-polar disorder or even schizophrenia? Both of those can emerge in adolescence...

Have you read the book "Motherless Daughters?" I know it is not a cure for your situation but losing your mother at a young age has devastating effects for children, much more so for females, than most people can imagine.

Not to step on any toes and you have more knowledge of your situation than anyone, but your daughter does not need to lose another parent. If you send her away without trying everything you can, you may well send the message that you don't really care either.

How do I know? I was one of those kids. As a teenager I rebelled pretty hard. I was not easy to live with, I smoked, I drank and I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought. I was in more pain than anyone could imagine. And I was sent away too. I was told that my mother died and I needed to get over it, I was acting like I was a victim, and to get used to my father remarrying and having more kids while me...I was in PAIN.

Your daughter just lost her mother 3 years ago, but already has a stepmom and younger sibling....this cannot be easy for her.

I do not think the right answer is to just send her away. Try intensive counseling and one on one time. Google for grief and loss specialists in children. There are other answers.

And my father and I? Our relationship has never recovered.

I also wanted to add that I pulled myself up. Went into the military, earned my own education without any help whatsoever, have a very successful career (so far), own my own home without a mortgage and will probably be able to retire at 40. Not that I want to.

Your daughter needs the kind of help and understanding from a parent that no one else can give right now. She needs a lot of attention, she needs to be shown that she is loved unconditionally at her worst moments and most of all, she needs you.