Caught between the Testosterone Twins....

20 years ago

My DS16 has not been getting along with my DH for quite a while - since my DD left home (new house, getting married) things seem to be getting worse.

My DH is kind, reliable, romantic, loving - but not where my DS is concerned. Then he's the sergeant-major who tries to dictate what should be done and when - nothing seems to be good enough, done quick enough or well enough. High grades in some subjects "don't count" because other subjects aren't so great. I have also caught my DH swearing and name-calling, and then he says he was driven to it by my DS's laziness. My DS is a quiet boy, highly intelligent, interested in politics, law, history, Shakespeare, snowboarding, taught himself to play guitar brilliantly. My DH is also highly intelligent, so it's not that he feels inferior - he was in tears one day because he said he wanted the best for my DS, and just believed that kids have to be taught to work hard and do everything right. All that has resulted is that my DS just has no time for my DH - DS's father died years ago, and it breaks my heart that these two are not getting along as I know they could have a great relationship (they did until my DS was about 12).

A couple of friends don't visit any more because they say that my DH has been too hard on my kids. DH won't go to counselling (we tried, he had the counsellor tearing at her hair - really!), and he won't talk to a minister.

I see my son not wanting to come back to visit once he leaves for college or work.

Does anyone have any ideas? I feel as though I am standing in quicksand.

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Comments (4)

connie0929
20 years ago
How long have you been married? How old was your son when you got married? What happened when DS turned 12. Does DH treat anyone else like this, you or DD? Did DH get into trouble when he was 12 to 16, and think DS might do the same.
This has been going on for 4 years??? Does he not miss what they had, see what a great kid he is, realize how this is hurting you? What kind of parenting did DH have? I am afraid to say this because I obviously don't know you -- but is he worried about DS sexuality?
My guess, is that there is some underlying cause for his change in behavior to your son. He might not know what it is or want to admit it.
roisin
Original Author
20 years ago
Thanks for your response - I'm not offended by any questions at all because I realize that they come from a place wanting to help.
My DH semi-retired from a job where he had responsibility for over four dozen other people, so I feel that he "misses" being boss and we are reaping the results - I know that a lot of men who retire or are downsized often feel they have to make up for that situation by becoming quite the Overlord at home. It's no excuse.
Another thing that could be going on is that my son is growing fast, doing weight-training at school, while my DH is slowing down, arthritic, not able to ski any more, etc..
To answer another point of yours, he does remember the good times but seems to want to choose to believe that my kids changed towards him as they got older - not so. Even though I am their mother, I would admit if this was the truth.
He says he nags because he cares, but when someone has been told their nagging is driving people away, why would they not think about that and accept what people say? He has dumped friends because they tried to help. A part of me feels sorry for him because he's going to be a lonely old man, and another part of me remembers how good things can be for us as a couple. He says he is so hurt by my "siding with" my son that he doesn't feel he is welcome to cuddle up any more - we were very tactile and warm, so that is devastating to me.
Thanks for "listening" - I'm not even sure there is an answer, but it's good to know that I can write this and it is being read by people who understand.
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connie0929
20 years ago
Has he had a physical lately? There just seems to be alot of changes in his behavior. Not only is he alienating you and DS, he is dumping friends!! This is worrisome.
What I have been going through for the last 4,5 months is why I bring this up. I just realized that I have been really in the dumps since Oct. When DH and SS and I met with a family counselor and SS said some really hurtful things. I am pretty good at putting on a good face; and even had my self convinced that life was OK. But I wasn't calling friends; and if DH was out of town I frequently would not get dressed, etc. Then it just became too much. I am hoping my realization of this depression makes it easier to get through. And I have told my DH and close friend, so I have some support
That is why I bring up the physical.
Best of luck and happy Mom's Day
Connie
User
20 years ago
Teel them what you just told us ... they are in a testesterone laden pissing match and it's UNFAIR to you.

It's common for teen boys to "challenge" and for the parental types to roar back, but they sound like they are taking it to an extreme.

Family counselling is an idea.

Caught between the Testosterone Twins....

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connie0929

roisin
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Caught between the Testosterone Twins....

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connie0929

roisinOriginal Author

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roisin
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