How sad. I agree with your brother, too. Having been there myself, I'm sorry to say, until your daughter understands what's happening, she won't do anything about it. It can be subtle and the things he says may seem right to her, at least for now. Trying to fix things from the outside won't work, it will only alienate them both right now. If she does understand what's happening she's probably terribly torn right now, between loyalty to her husband and loyalty to her family. She may sense that something isn't right, and she may feel very embarrassed that this is happening to her. She needs to protect the kids, too. It's certainly important to keep lines of communication open, in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way. Everyone needs to be supportive, invite them to dinners, family gatherings, etc. She may slowly come to realize how his behavior is keeping him from her family. Her husband is very insecure, and by doing this he feels strong, in control. If your daughter has to continue to refuse invitations, she may eventually realize what's happening and start to take control of her life back from him, as far as her family is concerned. He'll probably just back down if she stands up to his unreasonable behavior. Obviously, this isn't a good marriage, and they'll need counseling prior to their divorce, but that's probably where it will end up.

"You are right, but this is about extras, not CS. If SM feels that on top of CS and regular necessities SD requires (during her 50/50) that BM is expecting Dad (and therefore SM) to pay for extras, I can see her problem." The problem is that not only are there bound to be plenty of costs for "extras" that are going to be incurred in raising children (I mean, if we're considering anything beyond food ---but not necessarily FAVORITE food, just food--- and, like, Hanes 3-pack basic white tees as clothing and the cheapest uglist Walmart notebook and Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils as "extras")... but that the definition of "extras" is very debatable... "It would feel like BM considers her husband's money as separate and not to be used for her child, but SM's to be part of Dad's available income. Who would be purchasing the sports equipment if there was no SM, and therefore no item to borrow? Assuming Dad's income was the same, and his CS and custody the same, could he afford this item on his own, or would he ask BM to split the cost? (BM could use some of her CS, or ask her husband to help.)If both parents were still single, how would the item be procured?" I just gathered that there happened to be already in existence in the house an item of the kind that was required, which was not being used by anyone else at the time it was going to be needed. In that case, why SHOULDN'T OP's daughter be able to use it? Is it inconceivable that OP's daughter would loan something to her step-sister in a similar situation? Has that never occured before? I mean, yeah, I suppose that for everyone to be perfectly even and everything to be perfectly fair, there should be two of absolutely everything in the house for each of the girls, no matter how easily worked out a sharing plan may be... just so nobody feels like BM is "getting off scot free" or "taking advantage" of the already-purchased hockey stick (or whatever it is). But why spend the extra money (which Dad would be, since he's presumably already paid for half of his step-daughter's item, we can presume he'd be paying half of this item too) or insist or suggest that someone else (BM) spend extra money when there is a perfectly good item right there, which will not be in use, and which the user of (step-sister) has already agreed to lending? It's not costing step-sister or SP anything to lend it, and if it's damaged it won't cost them anything either b/c Dad & BM would pay for a replacement. The only reason would be to (pardon the pun) "stick it" to the person(s) who would be asked to pay for a second one, in one way or the other. Now, obviously, if the item is lost or damaged, or if OP's daughter will be using such an item more frequently in the future, then it's appropriate to purchase another. But to go around and imply that anything shared in the house that's an "extra" has to be purchased separately even for one-time use is just not very family-like. In intact families, no one would dream of proposing a waste of money (on anyone's part) or excessive consumption (and clutter?) of this sort as a general practice... I guess that's what I find so colossally sad in these blended family situations. That, as much as many SP's regard the situation like the SK's are "spoiled" b/c they have two households, it's just as often that they end up getting shafted b/c everything gets nickel-and-dimed and bickered over to death. And I'm not even really thinking about in the *material* sense, but psychologically... How do you think it feels growing up where every little item or expense you require as a kid is argued over, debated, and you're made to feel like you're such a source of financial burden and your parents arguing all the time and the expenses paid for are all conditional on how well you (or your mom) behave? Like someone's sitting there all "ca-ching! ca-ching!" every time you express a cereal preference that costs an extra 80 cents, or scowl ("deduct a dollar for the "extra"-nice notebook b/c of your attitude! I don't HAVE to do anything for you!")... and you may, perhaps, be in the regular presence of a step-sibling who (b/c his/her parents aren't divorced) doesn't face the same kind of nickel-and-diming, or you feel like you have to run a decathalon of requests and requests-for-requests to DARE to borrow the item of its "rightful" owner, whom it WAS procured for, presumably without much hubub... I CERTAINLY can understand the need to budget to the point of splitting hairs (b/c there's no choice) when funds are tight (but in OP's case it didn't sound like that was necessarily the case)... but when the situation is more comfortable, nickel-and-diming is unnecessary and rather depressing. Not to mention an enormous waste of energy and a veritable minefield packed chock-full of potential explosions at every little teensy turn. (Which, btw, ain't so great for the marriage, either...) Come up with a plan, an agreement, based on reality, decency, common sense, and what you think "family" should mean and general principles of what will/won't be split (or set a dollar amount limit, or an age limit, or limit the extracurricualr activities by quantity). Figure out and decide once and for all on the definitions of "extras" you and spouse agree on and everything should fall into place. If this can't be agreed upon between current spouses, it is not the ex-spouse's fault, and they shouldn't be dragged into the mess. If the CS arrangement is unsatisfactory to both current spouses, seek to have it changed instead of whining/nickel-and-diming/b.s. psychological games. If it's satisfactory to one spouse but not SP, or if expenditures just CANNOT be agreed upon no matter what, then maybe consider splitting finances. But acknowledge that it is the CURRENT SPOUSES who cannot agree on expenditures or come up with a workable plan, so it isn't anyone else's fault or burden to bear if you two can't work it out between yourselves.

Mattie, my comment was in response to OP's latest attempt to expand his story and his blurp about "Uncle Dan" and little girls sleeping between blah blah. He said he learned recently of horrid conditions. There was no mention of early fears (at time of divorce or young childhood)... why would he agree to unlimited visitations? He also states he never tried to push BM away himself, but that SM did. If your BM is exposing your child to horrid things, would you not try and do something about it right then? Of course you would and even if it was hard to prove and/or took time, you'd scream from the rooftops trying to get somebody to take you seriously. Considering OP set his own agreements and vistation allowences, don't you suppose if he'd have had concerns or seen signs of a daughter in distress he would have went to court and persued a proper court hearing and done all he could to cease unlimited vistations and/or attempted to get supervision visits? Don't you think we here would have heard early on that BM was being pushed away because of these horrid things? We got quite the lengthy run down ...we know the kids medical history, her sexual life...why did it take 60 post to come to 'oh and poor kid visited BM often and went through horrid things'. We first got BM never came around, only made things hard for SM who was trying to play mother, allowed BF to sack up with daughter at her house ( after BM decided she wanted daughter back in her life when daughter was older)...not one word about daughter's safety or being traumatized during the 13 years inbetween custody and 15th birthday fallout. If this woman allowed daughter to have a horrid unsafe childhood in her home, why is OP telling us how he has been trying to get daughter to give BM another chance? --"BM was never pushed away. She has always been able to see her daughter whenever she wants. The way that has worked out is that she didn't for long periods of time, then would come back into the picture for a brief period all gushing and loving, then would disappear etc. All this time I never once said anything bad about her. At this point BM is out of the picture because daughter refuses to see her. I have on many occasions tried to talk my daughter into giving her BM another chance but she refuses."--- I realize you have a very different situation with your SS and his BM and therefore do live in fear while SS is on his visitations and have a true need to worry while he is gone and how the visit may have affected him with the before and aftermath. But you also don't give promises of unlimited vistations and you do all you can to assure your SS's safety and use lawyers and courts to assist you. My comment was more in line with the fact that no one here was suggesting the child should have been sent unlimited if there were a problem. Why would he agree to such a thing? This 'problem' did not appear until way into this thread, and frankly, I'm not buying there was real concern or reason for such a concern during the girl's early years.

Hi, I know this comes a little “after the fact”, but please don’t blame yourself at all for not grieving for your FIL. You love and loved your husband, which is lots more than I can say. I THOUGHT I loved my husband before we were married, but by the time we got married, I didn’t want to marry him anymore. You’re probably wondering “Why in the world would she get married, anyhow?” Well, the truth is, my husband was a very violent person (which I found out before the marriage) and I was AFRAID to not marry him. He controlled people with fear. I actually feared for my life, and I did so many times while we were married. My mother even saw how bad it was (God rest her soul) and offered to pay for a divorce for me (and she was a “tightwad”). Of course, I refused. What would I tell my husband if he asked me where I got the money for a lawyer, “My mother gave it to me”? He would have outright killed her or threatened her fiercely with profane language. I could go on and on about this—there were so many terrifying incidents. But when he passed away last July, I felt like “the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders” and we were married nearly 50 years. I could not cry at his funeral because of all the HORRID things he did to me. But he was like a “Jeckll and Hyde”, a split personality, as he had many friends who thought he was GREAT. He did always help them and fixed things for them (he was unusually handy), so it is to be expected. In his fits of rage, he broke everything that was important to ME. I made stained glass pieces (I did very well at that) and he broke the two lamps that I had in the house. I also had two organs (I loved to play them but I wasn’t that good) and he broke keys on both by flinging objects at them. He didn’t break my stained glass windows because it would have been too obvious to other people. So please hang in there, I’m sure things with your husband will get better over time. Wishing for a quick passing is one of the kindest things he could do.