I think your leaving is the only option now. You've obviously talked this to death with your DH & a counselor. He made a choice to continue supporting his adult son and disregard your fear in living with him.

I think you are smart to get on with your life, it certainly won't get better and if he expects you to tolerate this and look the other way now, what next?

Get out now, you deserve to be safe & happy.

Hmm, I'm confused... Your other recent post (Terrified of stepson and brother in law, posted May 25th) didn't mention that you'd already separated from your DH.
Could you please clear things up for us? We can't really help you unless we have the whole thing straight.

Why won't he understand?
No doubt, you've heard the old expression "There are none so blind as those who will not see"
and my guess is that's exactly what your husband is doing.

Accepting your version as the truth and acknowledging it to himself is unbearable to him --
It turns his son into a monster and himself into a failure as a parent.
And this is something he is simply not able to accept.

So you must be wrong.
Or maybe you're simply exaggerating.
Or perhaps you over-reacted?
Could be you misinterpreted it.
Maybe you lead him on.
Or SS could have been kidding.
Maybe he was drunk.
Maybe you were drunk?
Could be your 'nervous disposition'.
Maybe you just want SS out of the house?
Maybe you're jealous of how much he loves his son?
Maybe his son is jealous of how much he loves you?
Maybe this --
Perhaps that --

Anything but what you say happened.
Because that is intolerable.

Just how 'lewd' was SS's behavior? And was it unmistakable? (From your counselor's remarks, it sounds like it was both.) And are there ongoing issues that could be captured on video or audiotape?

Because if he refuses to believe you, I don't see any way of making this marriage work either...

sounds bad. Is SS on disability? actually even people with disabilities work. this is going to get only worse. i see no need for you to support a grown man who refuses to work. if Dh wants to support him, he can, but not on your expense. go take care of your own daughters, let him support his lazy son. it seems to be such a common theme of adult children take advantage of their parents, demanding and demanding and demanding. what is up wiht that? and i bet you if DH stops supporting him SS would play a blame and guilt game. you deserve better.

fd- I think that link to the milenial workforce on another thread explains that... a whole generation of parents that were overly worried about hurting poor bobby's self esteem and forgot to teach their kids to stand up and work for themselves and deal with consequences... and sadly that is my own generation of "kids" doing that... I have been talking about it for years..saying I am sometimes ashamed to be associated with this generation.

momof4, i understand that in time of need it is understandable to ask family for help, and it is OK to accept help.

what i have a problem with is "entitlement". "my parents have to give me money, my parents have to let me move in, my parents have to make sure i have what i need, my parents have to leave me that much money when they die". no, they don't. they have to provide for you when you a minor, but not when you are grown.

it is nice they can help, but they are not obligated, you are not entitled to it. I think our job is to raise children so they are prepared to be on their own. I don't want to think that if both I and XDH unexpectedly die early, DD wouldn't be able to have a decent life because she got used to be "entitled". I am glad I don't have this kind of problem.

But of course family has to help each other in time of need, no question about that. But it helps when people get off their butts and get moving themselves too!

"But of course family has to help each other in time of need, no question about that. But it helps when people get off their butts and get moving themselves too!"

no question !!!

I have some SC with DH's work ethic, and one who obviously does not. This SS is 25, and only wants to do the bare minimum.He isn't as much lazy as he wants to have fun and be a kid still.A lot of his friends are the same. The younger SC so far are more motivated, but it has yet to be seen how they will do on their own.

And I have 2 SC that are living here ages 24 & 28, presumably to get their finances in order and to save up fo their own place, instead they turn down every opportunity for overtime, take time off work, have bought motorcycles, boats and a new car.

Again, I'd advise you to get on with your life. Life is too short-Trust me.

Okay, what's going on?

mother2008 joined on May 25 (the Sunday of a 3-day holiday week-end), posted "Terrified of Stepson" or some such, made only 1 response to it (when someone questioned whether the post was for real, she replied "What is written is the truth"), never responded to anyone's suggestions, now has posted this new thread, not referring to her first one & not replying to the discrepancies or statements in need of clarification.

OP, are you even here any more?

Here is a link that might be useful: Terrified of Stepson

it used to be that 25 is fully grown. now sometimes people in their 30s still act like they are teenagers. of course people have to have fun too especially if they are single with no kids, not just work hard, but if you want to have fun or relaxed life style and do what you like, then do not ask others for money and a place to live! well no guarantee though how our kids will turn out...DD is full time in college but she works a lot and she is exceptionally frugal. but who knows how she is going to be when she is done with college, so far her plans are very unrealistic.

Yep, now SS25 is being accused by his ex GF of mooching off her in their relationship, and now his GM. IMO, he is. It seems there was some mutual using going on, but he is 6 years older than his Ex. I agree he should have fun while he is young and childless, but first make sure he is able to take care of himself. My DH is very distressed, as he was on his own, married and raising 5 kids at 25. We can't make them grow up, but we shouldn't enable, either.

Mother2008:

I responded to your "Terrified Of Stepson" thread and I urged you to leave. Even though you didn't mention it in that post, I am glad that you DO NOT live in the same house with SS because it really sounds like a dangerous environment, especially for your disable D.

I have been reading many of the archived threads posted in this forum and I have come to the conclusion that Step Families, for the most part, are challenging. Even intact families have their moments, but I think that the degree of difficulty increases when families merge or when an outsider who has no children enters the existing family unit. It's not always negative, but it's also not always easy. For most of the people posting on this site, it is downright stressful a fair amount of the time otherwise this forum wouldn't exist. Clearly most of us choose to stay with our Divorced Spouses/SO's and accept the stresses that comes along with these relationships because we really love that person, but I haven't read anyone state that they are "FRIGHTENED".

Who knows why he won't understand? Maybe seeing his son in the manner which you describe makes DH feel like a failure as a parent. Perhaps he feels helpless and guilty or he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he is tired of dealing with all of his S's screw-ups. Maybe it's a pattern of enabling: SS mooches off of Grandparents; Grandparents allow it; Grandparents raised your DH; DH enables your SS. It could be so engrained in their family dymnamics that no one even sees it as a problem. It doesn't matter because you state that you are "FRIGHTENED" and not protected. These people are not going to change. You will have to change.

I know it's hard to hear, but I really think that you should leave. Is staying in this marriage worth either you or your D being molested by SS? And don't forget the 300+ pound, gun wielding son-in-law that you mentioned in your initial post. This marriage probably took its toll on your self-esteem. Work on that with the counselor instead of trying to convince DH to see it your way. Perhaps when you value yourself more, you will realize that your instincts were right all along. STAY SAFE.