I have a large family and if I were to have cancer, I wouldn't want any of my kids moving in with me and their SF. Visit, yes, move in AND pay for it? No way. It seems to me your dad feels the same way. I would be offened, if my kids blamed their SF if I had a situation like yours. Visit him while you can, and stop with the blame game. As you have said, time is short.

Chrisb-- Moving in with my dad, in his house, was suggested by him, not me. And it was conditional upon me being there sans kittycat and only for a few months. By the time I found a job and saved enough money to move to an apartment there, it would have probably been longer than a few months anyway. (And I would have been cat-less.) In any event, SM wouldn't want me there anyway, which would have effectively nixed the entire thing had I even accepted the terms. So I truly don't believe me living in the house with them was ever seriously considered as an option by any of us.

Who's fault? No one. Shiat happens. If you can't afford to move and your father can't/won't/doesn't want to help you then you don't move. Period.

You should plan to visit as much as you can while he's still around.

You said pretty much that you felt like "If you're not willing to temporarily loan me what it chump-change for you so that we can have more time togetehr before you die, why should I give up everything I've established down here?"...wow that's pretty crappy to say. Maybe you don't really want to go and you're just looking for reasons not to go.

So plan to visit. Don't plan to move.

sorry to hear your dad is dying. how painful must it be...

but frankly I do not understand how can you demand a dying father to pay for moving you here or there or for anything for that matter. i don't know how old you are but i suspect you are not a child and he is not obligated to support you.

and there are plenty of ways to borrow money for the move.

if you cannot afford moving then go visit.

and he might very honest that you should not move. he might be fine the way he is. if you are having problems with SM (which he definitelly knows about), it can elevate his stress level and he might not want that. in this case it is sufficient to just visit.

and i do not believe you cannot locate $1500. charge it and deal with interests later.

I lost my mother to lung cancer not too long ago. So I know what you're going through. Let me say from my exprience your father probably feels:

1) Doesn't not want his illness to disrupt you life
2) Doesn't want you to worry
3) Doesn't want to hear additional complaints from SM
4) Doesn't want to be a burden or feel babied

and possibly

5) Doesn't want to acknowledge his illness

I understand how you want to be with your father as much as possible before 'the end' but do not disrupt your life entirely to do so. If he doesn't absolutely tell you he wants you there, don't try to force it. My mother got like that towards the end where she was in so much pain, and whatnot that she didn't like visitors as much as she loved us because she just wanted to rest and didn't want us seeing her that way because she knew it upset us. Visit, talk on the phone, but do not disrupt your life; after he is gone you will still have to continue on as painful as it maybe at the time.

on a cat issue. sorry it does not fly with me. are you choosing your cat over your father?

why if your mother was dying, SHE would have to have to put and your cat on airplane? isn't your repsonsibility to take care of sick people rather than sick peoples' responsibility to make sure that healthy people can make the move so they can help the sick ones?

i am so disappointed in what you are saying!!!!

The bottom line is if you want to move then you will find a way to move there. You already said your job does not pay much and you have a college education. I am assuming that finding a job near your dad would not be a huge issue then.

As far as moving costs, why not store your big stuff in a cheap storage locker and/or families basements and garages. Stay at your dads house as he suggested, rent free. Bite your tongue and deal with your sm for the months your dad has left.

When he passes, which you made sound like could be a few months from now, then move back to your town and you will still have all your furniture and stuff in storage and money saved from living with your dad.

Will it be easy as pie? No, but at least you will have the memories of spending your dads last days with him. And who knows, your sm may not be that bad once you get to know her.

I don't understand a lot of things regarding people. My SD tried to borrow money from her Dad to pay her bankruptcy fees AGAIN, when she knew he had Alzheimer's. How can anyone understand that? When I asked him outright what she wanted when she called, he told me the truth. I told him no, I went to the bank, put the money in my name and put him on as beneficiary if anything happened to me. When I first married at 18 and 1/2, all I wanted was to be independent. I don't see that in very many cases now, but then we only seem to hear the bad cases not the good ones.

And about the cat. Maybe you can find a temporary home for it with a family member, friend, or acquaintance.

If it were me I would want to spend my fathers last days being near him. I understand how hard this is for you as my father also had cancer. Luckily I lived near him at the time.

But I called off work when he had chemo and surgeries and went to the hospital. I had a child so I had to get babysitters so I could be with my dad. When he was hospitalized for an extended period I drove there almost daily before or after work. I even had to run his business for him for a while on top of working and being a single mother at the time. We all do what we have to do.

Fine--

"isn't your repsonsibility to take care of sick people rather than sick peoples' responsibility to make sure that healthy people can make the move so they can help the sick ones?"

I can, would, will and have helped my father in any and every way I can imagine in his time of need. In fact, that's a major part of why I have felt that I wanted to move up there: to be able to help even more. In his situation, where he continues to operate his business to this very day, the selling of just one more little plate or saucer to raise enough money to help his daughter help him ISN'T putting him out too much, it really isn't. I'm not asking my sick father to help me load the truck or lift a single thing off of it.

And it isn't a "demand" I'm making for him to help me out with a loan for the move. Just a simple fact that I cannot make the move without financial help from someone, and as I have said, my options truly are extremely limited. I have offered to do a ton of household work in exchange for his help, on top of all the other help I would gladly give him and on top of having to go and find a new place a new job and everything else up there, on top of simply dealing emotionally with his impending death. He knows all this, but does not offer to help me help him. Instead the attitude is that I am out of my tree and even horrendously out-of-line for being poor and having to ask. His choice, I can't change it. But then somehow it turns into my fault that I'm not there... not that he even really wants me there in the first place, for some of the reasons sieryn correctly guessed (I think it's a combination of many factors).

As for my cat, I tried everything to find her another home, and nada, zip, zilch. Believe me, I tried, as much as I didn't want to give her up, I was not going to be accused of "choosing a cat over my father". But when the only option left was to kill her, I drew a line. I'm so terribly sorry if that disappoints you, Fine, but it was a ridiculous position for me to be put in in the first place. when the simple answer is to find an apartment that takes pets... but of course, it costs more. As for me, I would never insist that anyone I love ---or just anyone, in general--- be made to choose to have their beloved pet killed (on top of everything else) for my sake when there are other options. And if I was the one to insist that the pet be out of my sight, I certainly wouldn't blame the person for having to deal with the alternatives that leaves them.

You asked ~ so here's my opinion. Under the circumstances if it were me no I wouldn't disrupt my life and move there. If he wanted you there he would GIVE you the money, not loan it. And why on earth would he think it was your mother's obligation to loan it to you? I think living there with a SM that obviously resents you would be intolerable and would cause problems that your dad doesn't want to deal with. He made the choice to marry the woman so he wants her there and more than likely even through he loves you, he doesn't want you to be there for more than a brief visit. And there is no way on earth I would give up my cat to stay with anyone that wouldn't tolerate it in their home. That cat depends on you and I'm sure it's given you much joy over the years. People who don't have animals they love simply don't understand the bond we have with them. There is no situation on earth that I would give mine up for. And you didn't ask about this but I'll throw it in for free ~ if the boyfriend isn't willing to help you out during this situation, get rid of him. I can't imagine why you would want to keep someone like that. So in summary, continue your life as is, visit your dad when/if you can afford it, call often, keep the cat, get rid of the boyfriend, don't take any crap out of the SM. Oh, and don't make any plans for your inheritance until you get it. SM may have had him change that and neglected to tell you. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

Sounds like you are a responsible young adult and have been paying your own way without asking your father for help. You have nothing to be ashamed of or regret because you don't have the money to make the move at this stage of your life.

It's very reasonable of you to ask your dad for financial help to move. It's also reasonable of your dad to turn you down if he doesn't want to help.

Even though he is ill, it sounds like he's completely in control of his faculties. I'm sure he loves you, but he is letting you know what he really wants. If he really wanted you there, he'd tell you and he'd give you the money.

You are not putting your cat before your dad. You're not putting your finances before your dad.

I think your dad doesn't want to look you in the eye, tell you that although he loves you, he prefers the distance between you. I don't think it's about the money, I think it's about the way he wants to live out what's left of his life. Let him make the choice.

You sound like a wonderful and loving daughter. The fact that you offered to make such a move, put your life on hold and make a tremendous effort to spend his last months with him, that surely must have touched him. It's wonderful that you tried. You've done all that you could, now let go of the guilt, visit him when you reasonably can, enjoy the last days you have with him guilt-free.

Serenity,

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You are stuck in between a rock and a hard place, I bet your father is too.

My impression of the situation is that it is not that he doesn't want you there or to give you the money; it's that he doesn't want to deal with you and SM living with him. Now, I'm the last person to put the blame on the other spouse -- but from what you have written is that you and SM do not get along and had a few fights during your last extended visit. And, in general, SM and you do not see eye to eye.

And now he is sick, very sick and he depends on SM for day to day care. I don't think he is willing to risk that and
pi$$ her off by giving/loaning you the money to come live with him when it is obvious she doesn't want you there. Whether right or wrong, it is obviously easier for him this way.

You've done all you can Sweets. Continue to visit and show him how much you love him. Don't bother him with this nonsense -- not to say that your feelings are nonsense, but the situation that SM has put everyone in (creating conflicts and loyalty issues.)

serenity,

I would take your cat, except you probably live too far away to make it practical. I would never ask my kids (or anyone else) to give up their cats or dogs, much less put them to sleep.

If I were dying of cancer and my children wanted to come take care of me, I would be reluctant for them to disrupt their lives. However, if they wanted to come, I wouldn't hesitate to give them the money to do so. I think he is just trying to avoid conflict with your SM.

maybe if you have a low paid job and cannot afford basics, there are options of taking a part time job or two part time jobs to suplement. unless of course they have young kids to take care off which does not seem to be the case.

as about cats, plenty of people do not want pets around or cannot have pets around, and really if i would be dying the last thing i would want is pets around. so if pets are important for you, then deal with the consequences. rent a place where cats are allowed, plenty of those.

also you can start looking for job in his area, usually if you find a job you can rent somehting right away. also look for roommates if you cannot afford to rent on your own.

and i agree with those who said if he would trully need you there, he would send the money. i think he is settled the way his life is now and will be happy with you visiting as often as you can (unless visiting is also a problem due to finances).

and i agree with tos. i would send my only daughter money to be with me if i would be that ill. but if she would come to my house to argue with my DH (if i would be married) and bring stress to my last days i would probably suggest she just visits.

and most of all make sure your dad has a peaceful life right now, he does not need agravation. go visit right now, don't wait.

Serenity, my grandmother was diaognosed with cancer 5.5 months before it killed her. She and I talked weekly and were very close, but I saw her maybe once or twice a month. After I learned I wanted to visit all the time but she told my mother to keep me away. It broke my heart, but up until a few weeks before she passed I headed her wish. I wanted to be with her; she didn't want me there more than normal because she was dying.

It wasn't until after she died that I came to understand she was not the type for a 'death watch'. The week preceeding her death as she slipped farther away her 4 children, their spouses, my DH and I and several close friends were in and out of her room at all times; checking on her, fussing over her, talking to her. Her dying was the center of all of our lives.
She left us on a Friday - nine years ago yesterday, actually - in the one hour my mother left her side and she was without an audience. Her message, to me, was loud and clear. She didn't want us standing around, waiting and watching for her to pass.

Perhaps your father feels the same? That to have all this attention now, as he is dying, feels forced? That maybe he would rather have business as usual than change everyone's life to center on his death? It was hard for my grandma to have us all see her change from her strong and commanding self to a shell. I can only imagine it would be heartbreaking as a parent to have your child witness that. Maybe her would rather have his daughter remember him as he was?

I say all this because my first thought after your story was that he simply doesn't want you there. Not out of a lack of love or preference for your SM, but because he loves you.

JNM, my Aunt died last Father's day from liver & bone cancer. She has 8 brothers/sisters and they took turns staying with her, along with her husband & 3 kids. Our family took turns so she was never alone when she passed. She passed during the one hour that nobody was with her. My aunt had left and my other aunt was going to be there but she was alone for that one hour. I think she felt the same way, she didn't want an audience. Death is such a personal thing and when faced with it, everyone may react differently. I know that I would not want my family to remember me with tubes & monitors (or in a sick state), but I want to be remembered for the lively person I am in health. I want to be remembered for how I live, not how I die.

If that is the case, why doesn't he just TELL serenity that? If he would prefer that she not disrupt her life, or that she not see him like that, etc., telling her that would be so less hurtful than implying that he doesn't care enough about her to lend her $1500.

As an earlier poster stated, people who don't have pets just don't understand how much they mean to pet people.

Serenity - I do feel for what you are going through, and am, in fact, going through something similar with my own mother.

Even though she now lives only 15 minutes away and seems to have just a few months left, she DOES NOT want to disrupt my life any more than is absolutely necessary. In fact, I have to search for 'excuses' so she will agree to allow me to go see her since we've never been the type of family to just 'hang out' with no ostensible reason. (And we are close and get along well with no stepparent conflicts.) My mother feels -- as probably your father does too -- that my life should be about my life, not about her death. And that [figuratively of course] chaining me to her bedside would be the most selfish thing a parent could do.

From your father's perspective, I'm sure he would like to see you more too. But he probably does not want you to abandon your life and forward progress, or even put it on hold, to spend all your time with him -- to chain you to his bedside so-to-speak. Even though he knows he is dying, he wants you to live your life to the fullest -- to live well and happily in every sense of the word. Not to spend your days tending to a dying old man. That's probably why he can't in good faith facilitate and encourage your moving to his location.

Short of actually moving, what can you do to visit him more often? Can you find someone to cat-sit for a few days every so often? Can you afford the gas, bus fare or plane fare to fly up there more often? Or would funding a few bus or plane tickets be more palatable for your dad or stepmother than funding a move about which they would very reasonably have mixed feelings?

I understand your desire to spend this precious time with your father. You can find a way to make it happen without giving up your cat, your apartment and your current life, and in a way that respect's your father's choices and his wife's role in his life.

you probably know how men like to avoid conflict. so they do whatever possible to avoid confrontations, so that's probably why he says nothing. and really how much can we demand from a person who is so seriously ill.

I think everyone's right that visits are the way to go. It's what he & I have agreed on, it's what seems to work best for him, and it's what works best in my life right now too, financially, logistically and circumstancially. Of course, as fate would have it ---the way these things tend to go--- is that I am finally in a better position where my prospects are looking better career-wise... heck, maybe it isn't fate just all the a$$-busting I've been doing the last four years with work & this degree. But it does kind of require that I stay put here for the forseeable future. And in terms of finances I will not see any big rewards anytiem soon, if ever (as tends not to happen in the arts/academia sphere). So it's kind of a sad irony: after having been more flexible before in terms of relocation options due to lack of skills or opportunities tying me somewhere, I now have many more skills and more opportunities that tie me where I am, but w/o the financial means to allow me a ton of "back-and-forth" flexibility. Still, plane tickets are more doable, both because of my financial situation and my dad's willingness (albeit behind SM's back) to help me with some of those costs. Which, when you think about it (and add it all up), DOES kind of indicate that it isn't just finances preventing him from loaning me money to move. I agree with everyone who's guessed that he might be at least partly "shielding" me (and maybe even himself?) from the day-to-day harsh awareness of his mortality, or exactly how much pain he is actually in. And also that he wants to avoid potential conflicts between me, him and SM. Can't say I blame him, and don't want to "add stress" (although I can't take all the blame for that... maybe a better term is I don't want to "be a contributing factor to stressful dynamics").

My fear is just that even though this seems to be the set-up that works best for everyone involved, that it will still get "re-framed" or "re-interpreted" so that it comes off like it's all my fault, or that I am "abandoning" my father, which I have never ever wanted to do. I guess at this point it's not so much the opinions of others that concern me, but I don't want my Dad feeling like (or being influenced to feel like) I don't care enough. I guess I just have to take him at his word and hope that he really, truly is happier this way.

TOS honed in a gut-level feeling I've been having with all this: that he just doesn't care enough or love me enough or even like my company enough to loan me the money to be there in his last days. (And thank you, TOS for your comment about looking after my cat! But it looks like kitty & me are sticking together...) Even with all the other explanations and other ways I understand his situation and needs, I can't lie: that part hurts. And, yes, I wish he would just say that it's not that. The only thing I can figure about why he doesn't is that it is either too painful for him to admit out loud, or maybe even admit to himself in a fully-conscious way. This would tie in somewhat with perhaps a bit of denial of his own mortality. He's been facing so many aspects of this cancer head-on and putting on a very brace face about it, but I do have to wonder if it's possible for a person to face EVERY aspect of something like this so bravely. In other words, maybe denial "will out" in some other way, somewhere... and maybe that's what's happening here...

In any event, I'll respect his wishes either way. It's just that there is that selfish part of me that doesn't want to take on the full burden of guilt for what is really a mutual decision, largely following his lead.

TOS, it would be great (if it's the case) that he be able to say that to Serenity, but some people just aren't able to have those type of forward talks. Perhaps he feels guilty; his daughter wants to set her life aside for him but he doesn't want her to - it has to be hard to say 'thanks but no thanks' to that. I agree with Fine - a majority of men I know will do what they have to in an effort to avoid conflict. Coming up with soultions that he knows likely impossible on how Serenity could gain $1500 and lose a cat were, IMO, passive-agressive ways of saying no, don't move here.

IMA
The same thing happened with my grandmother who died a few weeks ago. The whole family was there with her all the time. She was never left alone. The ONE time my aunt's left her alone for fifteen minutes to run back to the hotel...she passed. The nurse said she was waiting to be left alone.

My mom had visited with grandma for two weeks prior to her becoming incoherent. Grandma lived in Nevada while mom lives in Flroida. Mom couldn't afford to stay any longer and she has a family and coincidentally alot of pets she has to take care of. Grandma and mom both had a blast durig the visit. Mom called everyday untill she was gone. No body in the family faulted her for not being able to stay. She has a life of her own that she can't just turn off because a family member is dying. You mourn but you keep moving.

Also, my father has threatened me saying I had better not mourn him or "shut-down" when he passes. He says he will be crying for me that I am still stuck on this earth. He wants a party thrown with beer and blue grass when he goes. he also said I had better not be standing over him like a D&*% vulture while he's passing either. Death is very personal. People handle it differently. It's wrong to expect anyone to react in the same manner, both those passing and those dealing with the loss. Dad has also threatened to haunt me if I spend thousands of dollars to "throw him in the dirt". That's just his feelings on it.

Serenity,

My heart goes out to you. Not only to be losing your beloved parent, but to have been shut out of his life by your SM earlier. I think other posters are not focusing on that. As I have never been shut out of a parents life, I cant offer you empathy, and really dont have advice, just symphathy.

No KKNY, we aren't focusing on the SM as the root of all the problems . . . but it is no small wonder that you are. Of course it's not possible that there be anything else paying into this situation but HER.

D@mn those stepmothers. They are ALL so inherently wicked.

I am not focusing on SM as root of all her problems, her father dying is not overlooked. And I dont think the prior gap in relationship can be ignored. I think if you were absent from a parents life for any reason, it would make the current situation more difficult. And I did not say all SMs are inherently wicked. But I dont think you can ignore the problems this one created.

kkny, i am not entirelly sure SM is the only one who created this problem. If there even is a problem.

It reminds me of SO's older DD who always complains how evil is her mother. And although BM does some weird stuff, SD is partially responsible because of her attitude, actions, and words against her mother. Neither SD nor SO are willing to admit that SD's estrangement from her mother is not just the mother's fault.

I think at some point we become responsible for our relationships and cannot always blame "the adults". We are the adults.

FD, if you go back and read some old posts of serenity you will see.

I guess the fairest thing to say ---and ultimately the truest--- is that it takes more than one person to make a conflict. 99 times out of 100, these sorts of situations are not the fault of just one person. Usually it's just a clash of needs, personalities, desires and/or values. In stepfamily conflicts, a lot of it has to do with insecurity. On all sides.

I don't agree with most of SM's values or what she's 'about', and she doesn't agree with most of my values or what I'm 'about'. Personality-wise there are some things about her personality I love and admire, some things make my skin crawl. I'm sure she feels the exact same way about me. She & I both have a tendency towards insecurity, stemming from different sources and converging at points in a serious conflict of needs as they pertain to my father. And then there's him and his values, needs, personality and insecurities...

I can isolate (as I'm sure she'd say she could) things I feel she has said or done that are about as close to "wrong" as I am comfortable calling such in my pluralistic/relativistic worldview. She's entitled to her view, of things (and me) too.

I'd never claim all this was entirely her fault. It's only a conflict because I have reactions to her (and her desires, values, actions, etc.) that disagree. If she ran around doing her thing and having her way unimpeded, there'd be no conflict. So I take responsibility for my share of the conflict, and for being a very different person than her. I'm sure this fact has caused her as much pain and stress as it's caused me.

what "an adult" thing to say, serenity. it can be so hard to admit that it is not always somebody else's fault. same in relationships. it can be tough to admit that we are sometimes as much at fault as the other person (unless the otjer person is a young child)......

kkny, i have read the posts. i am interested in adult daughters relationships with their fathers because i am in a relationship with a man with grown DDs, so it is intresting for me and educational. it is all very foreign to me because my DD has no possessive feelings of her father, no jealousy and no insecuiry. I mean she has insecurities but nothing inn regards to her father. I do not and did not have any of these feelings towards my father etc. It is starnge for me. I do observe older DD of my SO having these feelings towards her father (although it got to be less lately) and I am seeing these feelings in serenity's posts. I am trying to understand where these feelings come from and what i am to do with these kind of feelings of somebody towards my SO if my relationship will continue and deepen.

serenity I realize I have been rather harsh with you in this thread. my apologies. it is not always easy to accept without judgement something what seems unacceptable. everybody has different circumstances. please go visit your father very soon.