Have you read my post on what to do with troublesome family members? Boy, am I ever going through the same thing as you!

I am going to try and comment a bit more on this post and your other one about telling the ex-wife soon. This website is my little 15 minutes of "mind candy" while I am eating lunch at my desk or having coffee and I have been so swamped (both at work and home) that I can't even manage that lately! Been having problems with my server at home too, so once that is back up and going, hopefully I can find time for a longer reply!

I don't know how to say this without sounding too rude, but you chose this bumby path. You also are not quite part of the family yet - but the ex is - and she will always be. From the parents perspective - you probably weren't a welcome addition to the family. It sounds like they have been pretty gratious in the face of you and your fiance's questionable relationship beginnings. I highly doubt I would be sending you mother's day cards if I was in their position. You may be the sweetest person in the world, but that is certainly not what they were hoping for right after the birth of their grandchild.

Anyway, I think your future MIL's behavior is certainly reasonable. It will probably become more to your liking over time as you begin to establish a relationship with her beyond the bond of the children. Untill that point, the children and her son are really the main points you have in common, and both of those come with the ex-wife in tow. That's the thing about joining a family - they come as a package deal. You have to be able to handle ex-wife stories and references during twice a year visits and conversations about the kids. It is your job to handle them, not your MIL's job to make sure she doesn't offend you in casual conversation.

However Bill, you fail to point out that she is their son's fiancee and that was HIS decision to make. They have no right to constantly "share" memories of the ex or call her by the ex's name CONSTANTLY! Sure, her relationship with her fiancee started off the wrong way, but that is no reason for his parents to treat her with disrespect. Which is what they are doing. If they don't like the situation TOUGH LUCK! it's not their life and they don't have to share in the decision making. If they don't like her and can't treat her with respect then they should just stay at home!

What kind of grandparents really expect their future DIL to set up arrangements for them to get together with the ex?! If they want to visit with the ex, then they should set it up themselves for a seperate trip. I think that's insane!!

Jennifer, for starters, your fiancee needs to handle it, not you. He needs to explain the situation to his parents and ask them to be more respectful of your feelings. Period. When you talk to them about it, you look jealous and mean. When HE talks to them about it, it will have more meaning and they will respect what they hear a bit more.

Actually, my in-laws did some of the same things to me. They called me by the wrong name, they talked about her constantly. So when they told me their stories about her, I countered with my stories about her. Of course my stories weren't very nice ones. They couldn't believe what they were hearing at first, then my hubby told them what I was telling them was the truth.

They finally realize what a worthless person she is and quit thinking of her as the most wonderful woman in the world. They came around eventually.

I guess my suggestion is to not take it personally, hold your head high, don't let them see that it bothers you. Most importantly, have your fiancee talk to them without you present.

Goodluck!
P

Jennifer,
I agree with Pashan. Let him talk to his parents. It is not your job or place to do so even after you are married. Dont take it personally. Don't let it bother you. She must be a pretty decent person for your guy to have been with her so long and for his parents to like her. If you meet with the ex kill her with kindness. Most importantly I would treat his parents with the respect they deserve. They are his parents. I imagine that it is frustrating for you but I agree with Bill on the part of your job to handle it and not your MIL's job to not offend you. They will come around. Treat them how you wish to be treated and it will all work out. Good Luck. Keep us posted

Thanks for the advice...this is no doubt a very confusing and upsetting time....and they are 6 hrs away from being here.... I'm not as worried about it because a few things came to mind this morning. I'll write more on that later.... First I want to comment on what Bill said.
There's nothing more than the phrase "you made your bed....now lie in it" to piss me off. Can I say piss on here? Just because I chose to be here and knew what the life would entail, does not mean I deserve to be disrespected like this.... I do a lot for their grandchildren....and their son finally has a chance to be happy, with someone who loves him and WANTS to be with him. That HAS to count for something. And I resent Bill, that you would say SHE IS A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY. The only thing that once connected her to that family was marriage and the fact that her husband wanted her to be there.... He now does not...and they are divorced so she is not a family member. I am more of a member then she is....and simply, just because we are not married yet doesn't mean I'm not. I do enough for that family to be shown a hell of a lot more respect than this. Yes, they are connected by the children...but guess what, the children are connected by me too.
I've been given a lot of different views on this. I certainly respect the opinions of others, even you Bill. But, my opinion is that no matter who you are, MIL, or the Pope, if your actions hurt someone, you need to be responsible for them...they need to be communicated and dealt with.... Yes, there is a certain amount of "stuff" I will have to put up with...and accept from being a step-mother/second-wife, but I REFUSE to have my feelings hurt...I REFUSE to be disrespected.....and I refuse to be cast as an outsider.... My step-children and I have a very loving relationship. In many ways, I am closer to them than their own Mother, who by the way, Brit, is not a decent person! Her former in-laws just don't see what we see....and we don't tell them how horrible she really is. Pashan, I would love to tell them all about the way she constantly dumps her children on us and sends them over here dirty and without their homework done....forgetting everything from where T-ball is to giving them lunch or dinner. I could go on for hours telling them all the bad stuff, but what good would it do...They'd just think I'm being a jealous mad woman. But those children are my life... I love them with all my heart....there is a mutual respect between us... If that is not present with the rest of the family, it's not fair to the kids. Maybe if we (the kids and I) all hated each other and didn't have a relationship I could see where the opinion of Bill stands up. But those kids love me...and they have accepted me as their Mother....and it's time their grandparents did too.
It bothers me that exey made my fiance miserable and unhappy constantly shirked off her obligations to her children then, and now pursues her career and social life over the children. She can't even clean her house or send her son into school with milk money. I set their camps up...go to their school functions...I've attended parent teacher meetings....once with both BIO's and a few times without her because she was too "busy" to go. Her son had a Mother's Day event at school, who do you think went? I keep them healthy and well-rested... I am the glue that holds everything together...yet I'm supposed to keep quiet with the family about it and allow them to think more of her than this. Do you know how hard that is????? She doesn't deserve it.
So as I awoke this morning to the same wonderful greeting-my skids on top of me, snuggling, giving me kisses.... I took a step out of my body and watched the interaction with the four of us. We have ourselves a nice little family here. When it's just the four of us-it's perfect and wonderful. It's just outside parties that make it so confusing and difficult. And it's usually just the four of us, not the extended family too often. I just need to find a way to comfort myself with that when things get rough with the family. This is really the only problem we have.... Exey and my fiance and I have a decent relationship...we get along....we are positive....and mostly "friends." She's not the issue..... She's not an angry bitter woman...she doesn't make things impossible.... So I just want to set the record straight on that....A lot of people assume that we are divided and fight which makes it harder on the family...that's not the case...
Well, sorry to go off like that.... It was good for me to do that..... Bill, I respect your opinion...I just totally disagree with it. But thanks anyway.....and thanks to all of you... I'll let you know how it goes tonight.

I was going to put a long reply out, but I think I will just say ditto to Pashan's post. You are now an important part of your step-kids life and it's important you are happy because then you can concentrate on making their time with you happy. You deserve to be treated with respect - besides, your husband is also responsible for the current situation, if not more. It was his marriage, not yours. Why are you the only target here?

"Treat them how you wish to be treated and it will all work out." I think this good advice, but doesn't always work. In my case, I just think the ex-girlfriend and the family have extreme issues and they took them out on me. I never treated any of them rudely (in fact, never even laid eyes on the ex-girlfriend before she laid into me on this website). Apparently, the ex-girlfriend claims I acted rudely at family functions (not that she was ever at any to judge my behavior for herself), so I asked around to see what others have thought of my behavior at family functions and have even apologized if I have acted rudely, it wasn't done intentionally. No one else shares her opinion and instead say I have always acted quite appropriately. Again, all this from someone I have never even met. So, I guess the whole point is that, you can't please everybody and you shouldn't even bother trying sometimes.

Most important is your relationship with the kids. Don't ever let anything interfere with that. They will make up their own minds one day. I can tell by your posts you have good intentions when it comes to them. Focus on that until the storm is over and like Pashan said, hold your head high! I think your in-laws just want to be angry about the situation and want to take it out on somebody. Too bad they won't just sit down and talk about their feelings rather than act immature.

Jennifer,
Take a deep breath girl! I cant see why they would call you by the other womens name. That is strange. If they start to talk about her why not just excuse yourself. I think doing that a few times might get the hint across. As far as the mother being a bad mother. Everyone looks at things in a different light. In your future in law's light she may look good who knows. Just because they are not married any longer doesnt mean they still do not see her as family. Give it time. Give them a chance to know you. Maybe while they are there your future husband can talk to them about it. As far as the you made your bed thing. Take a really close look at what you are getting into because you have not made the bed yet so to speak. This could be what it will be like for a very long time. Good Luck and keep us posted

There is nothing like people who don't understand the concept of "you made your bed, now you must lie in it" to piss me off. Your inlaws have to take your feelings into account, but apparently you are free to do whatever you want and not worry about their feelings???? How exactly did you expect them to react? There are legitimate reasons why your future in-laws aren't thrilled with the situation and may be a bit slow warming up to you. Will they get past that - None of us are in a position to know for sure. I suspect that since they spend a good deal of time going out of their way to welcome you (gifts, cards etc) that things will work themselves out eventually. For your sake and the kids sake, I really hope they do. In the meantime, I strongly suggest you politely correct them if they call you by the incorrect name (My MIL called me my BIL name several times on my last visit there) and grin and bare stories you don't want to here.

In terms of you being part of the family and the ex wife not - that is absurd. You may feel that way, but the facts don't agree. You could walk out the door tomorrow if you wanted and never look back. (Not saying you will, but you legally could.) The ex-wife is a permanent part of your life and your inlaws lives because of the children. You are not their mom and you aren't even their stepmom yet. You are begging for a lifetime of trouble if you can't accept that. If you can't handle a story invovling the ex-wife, you need to reconsider joining this family or any stepfamily. It is not everyone elses job to purge their memories of everything that existed before they met you - it is your job to accept the facts and go forward from there. Best of luck.

"She is the mother of their grandchildren and a former member of their family...why wouldn't they want to stay in touch." Tell her you understand this, calmly and quietly.

"She continually goes over her memory bank of his ex and proceeds to tell me stories I don't want to hear."

As soon as she starts one, stop her with "I do not want to hear gossip about __name's__ ex-wife. It's rude and shows a lack of respect for her. " If she persists, just keep interrupting her with the SAME statement (It's a management technique called "broken record" and it works sooner or later.

"I removed trinkets from my home that she had given to them when they were married and she wanted to know why and where I put them." Tell her that they did not fit with the changes in decor that were made. Ask her if there are any trinkets she wants to retrieve and keep for the grandkids.

"then proceeded to ask me when she was going to see the ex when they were here"
Tell her that you are not the social director for the ex-wife, you are not going to book appointments for the two of them, and tell her to call the ex if she wants to make sure they get together. Hand her the phone number and the phone.

"Then she told me that I just have to deal with it...that the ex is the mother of her grandchildren and I just have to deal with it!!" Tell her calmly that you respect that, you knew there would be an EX-wife in the picture, but you will soon be the LEGAL WIFE of her son, the woman he has decided to share a life with, and she has to stop dragging the ex into every conversation. The operative word is EX!

Jennifer, I feel horrible that you are going through this. You do have a wonderful fiance, a great mother, and apparently some wonderful children! :-)

I know how stressful it is with your future in-laws treating you the way they do. Just stand up and be strong. Don't let them know it is getting to you. If they are, in fact, intentional in their disrespect towards you then don't give them the satisfaction of knowing it is working. I learned that one the hard way!

It takes a while, in the family's eyes, to become the "wife" instead of the "second wife" or "step-mother". Be patient and bask in the glow of the love you have from your fiance, your children and your own family.

Good luck, please keep us up to date on the situation. When are they coming to visit?
P

Bill, Bill, Bill.....

Two things....

Never did I say, or perhaps I forgot to write it, that I wanted them to purge their memories about the ex... I would be simply quite stupid to feel that way. Nor did I ever say that I do not understand what they are going through.... I simply want the respect of not having to hear about it... She can go rattle off her memories to a more appropriate person-the ex even. Just not me..... There really is nothing more to it.... I just don't want to hear it.....and no one is going to sway that feeling for me... It is the way it is... Take as much time as you need to get over how things happened....take the time you need to adjust, believe you me, I will give them as long as it takes... Just don't involve me in the process... Talk about it to someone else!!!
Above all, Bill, this website is here to support step-parents.... The role is very difficult... I'm not sure who you are or why you are here....but you seem to have great difficulty understanding what it is like to be in our shoes.... You certainly should never be caught on this site telling a step-mother that she is not a mother. Are you in my home to see what I do? Are you here to see how my step-kids love me? Sure, we may not be BIO-MOM's, but a lot of us do a much better job than these BIO-MOM's and a lot of us have a deep love for our step-kids. You can't tell a woman who sacrifices on the behalf of her step children, takes them to the doctor when they are sick and holds them when they are sad, comforts them when they need it, wipes away tears and nutures them, even as simple as making them a cake or talking to teachers about their schooling, and say that person is not a mother! A child does not have to come out of me for me to be his or her mother.... Frankly, you have insulted me and the other people on this site, as well as the purpose of the site altogether. Please leave my board.

I totally disagree with this notion that it is Jennifer's job to "make" her in-laws like her. You can't make people like you, and in my case, no one even took the time to get to know me before passing judgment. Still haven't.

My parents respect me, and therefore, they respect the people I chosen to occupy special places in my life with equal respect. Hey Bill, why don't you give me a description of my job of making people like me? Does include beating the crap out of their daughter? Becase that's what my ex-husband did to my parent's daughter (me) and he was sentenced to one year probation for it. As a condition of his probation, he could have no contact with me. However, another court gave him joint custody of our son, who was only two years at the time.

My parents had to be the "go-between" for this very difficult year. It was a extremely difficult and emotional time for them. My grandfather was terminally ill with lung cancer and died around the same time all of this was happening. Now their only grandchild was losing his home and their daughter was the victim of domestic violence.

That entire year, they treated my ex-husband with nothing but the utmost respect, dignity and sorrow for all of our loss. They did this out of love for me and for my child, out of a desire not to make an already difficult situation even more difficult by interjecting their own personal feelings. How many people can do that? I know I can't do that. My ex-husband and I get along very well now and I credit their efforts as part of the reason why.

If my parents could do it, why can't Jennifer's in-laws? The situation is what it is - Jennifer's fiance is a willing participant in the same "crime" they are accusing her of. No one is being rude to him. This idea that we women should try and "make" people who are setting out to hurt and humiliate us like us perpetuates abusive behavior towards women in this country.

Bill, I believe you think you are helping, but you're not. Please just walk away from this thread. Jennifer came here looking for support and constructive advice. When your first post started with "I don't know how to say this without sounding too rude" I knew that it wasn't going to be pretty. YOU even admitted you were about to be rude. You shoulda stopped right there!

My momma said, "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all". Which I like much better than "you made your bed now lie in it"!

My advice to you Bill? Walk away from this post and don't try to "help" Jennifer anymore.
P

Actually jennifer - this forum isn't for step parents - it is for step families. I am 26 now with 1 wife, 1 stepfather, one soon to be step mother, a step FIL and a step MIL. I very aware of all the extra little problems encountered in step families. I have the utmost sympathy for people who find themselves in difficult situations, but I do not have that same sympathy for people who choose difficult situations and then complain that they are difficult. I have no doubt that the role of a stepmom is a hard one. I certainly would not be willing to put myself into such a position. It is however, not the same role as mother, especially in situations with joint custody. You get half of the credit and twice the heartache. That's just the reality of the situation.

For the record - are all of the MIL's horrible transgressions telling stories about her grandkids and the ex and missing your name on twice a year visits? I'll give you that the name mixup is tacky and rude. Did you correct it immediately and she kept doing it or did you just steam away without saying anything? If you didn't say anything, it is quite possible that she didn't even notice she has doing it. My MIL mixed up my names several times in a visit last week and we get along pretty well.

As for the stories - they sound like perfectly fair ground to me, especially if they involve the kids. It isn't your "right" not to here stories and it isn't disrespectful for the MIL to mention the ex. It is pretty tacky to expect you to set up a meeting with her, but it doesn't sound malicious.

lea808 - Sorry to hear that your ex is such a bum. I'm glad your parents were able to help you through it. I think your situation is drastically different though. Physical abuse is lightyears away from the in-laws taking a bit of time to adjust to a relationship that got off to dubious beginnings.

Pashan - Sorry - I didn't notice that this was the "Only tell people what they want to hear" forum. Advice is advice, so take it for what it is worth. I personally think it is disservice to jennifer for people to tell her how horrible her in-laws are just to commiserate. No family is perfect, and her MIL sounds better than most. Gifts, cards, telephone conversations and trips to visit a household they may or may not be so approving of - seems to me like they are going at least half-way to make this work. Sounds like way more positives than negatives to me.

Ok, I disagree with the statement that the EX is still a member of the family. She ceased being a member of the family when the divoce became final. Yes, she is the childrens' mother, but that is where it ends. She does not have to be invited to family gatherings (except for the obvious, weddings, etc). The parents may still like the EX, but they need to respect their son's soon to be wife. Bringing up the ex's name in conversations or stories is down right rude. It sounds like the MIL just needs a gentle reminder from her son that the EX is just that an EX and that he would appreciate it if they didn't talk about her out of respect for their soon to be daughter-in-law. We step-parents are bombarded enough with the other parent due to activities with the kids and visitation schedules, we do not have to hear all about past happenings from the in-laws. We are trying to make a new life with our partner and this is certainly 1 stress that we do not need. Thankfully my in-laws hated my husbands EX even before she was an EX, so I don't have to worry about hearing stories about her, they are glad never to have to see her again, if they can help it. My parents keep in touch with my EX and it hurts me deeply. I guess drug and alcohol abuse and taking their grandson to a crack house and while their "wonderful son-in-law" was busy doing his thing, my son samples the merchandise and if it wasn't for the medical training of my brother-in-law, I would have had to take my son to the hospital and then their "wonderful son-in-law" would have landed in jail. Maybe then, they would have seen him for what he really was and understood why I had to divorce him.

Jennifer, I hope your in-laws come around in time, but I would still have your fiance talk with them. If they still don't change, just be glad they don't live in the area so that you have to see them very often.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hey everyone,
This is a public place and everyone is entitled to their opinion. I see several good points that Bill has. The first thing is women use that "give me respect" more than necessary. Jennifer, if you go to your inlaws with frustration and attitude and the "give me respect" crap you are asking for trouble. You are probably going to hear the old "I am the parent I gave him life" which is just as old. I think many times what starts out as hurt feelings turns to frustration and than anger. Can you back up and have your soon to be husband say to them that it hurts your feelings when they mention so and so? Or can he say that HE feels weird when they mention so and so? If you said to me MIL it hurts my feelings when you say this or did this it would make me feel really really bad. If you come to me and say MIL show me the respect I deserve and you are Pi**ing me off I would have to tell you that blood is thicker than water and all that bull. This is not about who is right and who is wrong. You just want it to stop right? Can you say that to them in a decent tone that they have hurt your feelings and that you dont feel comfortable? I can tell that you are frustrated and I would understand it you are past that point. I think you should have your husband do it. Not because of any reason other than it has bothered you to the point to where you could blow and it not the answer here. If they say something in her defense DO NOT say anything bad about her. It is not your job to judge her at all and it just makes you look like a trouble maker. DONT play into that at all. As far as the kids, if you are looking for them to see how much you do or something like that they will see it in time and on their own. You might do more for them but, that is the person that gave them life and she is a very important person to them. She is also their friend. They have memories with her and respect for her (even if you think she doesnt deserve it). Let us know how it is going. Kill them with kindness. Tell it hurts your feelings. It would bother much more if you said that to me. Good Luck. Please get this in check before you get married. This is a biggie that will only get bigger

No, Bill ... this is not the "tell people what they want to hear" forum! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Agreement is optional!! Jennifer's future in-laws are NOT horrible people, they're probably just old-school parents (married forever) who don't quite know how to handle the situation, either emotionally or practically.

Jennifer, I think your future in-laws will come around in time. In the meantime, treat them with the utmost respect, but don't allow them to use you as a doormat or insult you. I don't blame you for not wanting to hear stories of the "ex" ... I wouldn't either. I fully understand that my husband has a past and an ex-wife, but that doesn't mean I need or want to hear all about it. It's the PAST, after all. And I would be quite upset to have my husband's family telling and retelling stories of her. Doing that in my presence would be something I'd take as being willful and ugly, meant only to hurt me. Surely your fiancee's mother is a smart enough woman to know that you don't want to hear these stories -- it would be hard to convince me that it's not intentionally done just to get a rise out of you, or perhaps as her not so subtle way of telling you and her son that she doesn't approve.

Well, don't take the bait. Either excuse yourself, or politely tell her that while you're certainly glad she has such fond memories of her ex-D-I-L, you really don't care to hear the stories any longer. It's the PAST! You are the present and the future. If she wants to live in the past, that's her business -- don't let her do it in your home. Your husband needs to mirror these sentiments, and it would be great if he could take the lead the next time she starts spouting off about the ex.

As far as removing trinkents -- now, that's something SHE has to get over! Your home belongs to you and your fiancee, not his mother and not his ex. You two have every right to remove momentos from the past and decorate your home as you wish. I don't think you owe her any explanation whatsoever.

If your future M-I-L expects you to play jolly host and arrange some get-together with the ex for HER ... well, all I can say is she's a sandwich short of a picnic! She has bats in her belfry! OH MY GOSH! You've got to be kidding! Tell her that it's not your place or your responsibility to ensure she maintains a relationship with the ex. If this is what she wants, she can arrange it herself. She can meet the ex somewhere else -- NOT in your home. You can even be the vision in sweetness -- you can offer to give her a ride to the rendezvous spot!

I'm confused here ... on an earlier thread (called "A definition of the role of step-parent?") Jennifer25 describes herself on March 3 as having 2 stepkids and a husband ... now 3 months later it's a fiance ... ? Are you married or not? It might make a huge difference as to how the in-laws treat you.

If you're not married yet, I would consider getting some pre-marital counseling, to see if you actually want to be a part of this family, and to understand what you would be undertaking. Rearing someone else's children for 16 years could be a tough row to hoe, especially if you think there could be interference from other parts of the family.

I agree with Billl, on most of his stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff. Being called by another name is not the most horrible thing that can happen. Laugh it off. Make a joke. Especially if they only visit twice a year.

I also agree with whoever said that you are not their social director, and if they want to visit the ex, then they should make the arrangements, not you.

I have been in social situations (christenings, graduations, etc.) where the ex is also there, and it can be very hard, especially at first, but at least in my case it has gotten easier. If you love the kids (and your homelife descriptions show you to be very involved, very loving), you will have to be nice to the ex, even if you think she doesn't deserve it! And that goes for the grandparents too - you want the kids to have good relationships with them, and you will be a major factor as to how they see these other people, especially since they are so young.

I have 4 stepkids, 2 boys 2 girls, and my husband's ex is as crazy/lazy/evil/stupid as all the other ones mentioned on this forum! But they still love her and always will, and it's my job to just bite my lip sometimes and let them think she's wonderful when I know otherwise. I do wish you well ... being a stepparent can be very hard, but it's also very rewarding ...

Is this a place where everyone just goes "Awww, so sorry sweetie that you're having such a tough time sniff sniff?" I haven't really seen that in other posts - I have been lurking for awhile. But some of the responses to Bills' commments seem to say "shut up if you don't agree with us."

Ok, you can tell me that I'm a fool or wicked or whatever. But this is not your board to tell others to leave ... isn't that up to Spike? :)

Bill,
I went back and looked at your posts again. You are right on about people entering difficult situtions and than complaining. I think you are offering a man's point of view here. What is your take on why it is mostly females that have problems with the ex? Minet- about the different info on other threads I noticed that also but, not about Jennifer. Jennifer, please remember two things. 1.) get this straight BEFORE you marry. 2.) Blood is thicker than water. If your husband comes home to you saying things about his family day in and day out over time he will become offensive and take their side. Am I right here Bill?

I'm exhausted tonight..... It's been a tough day....and I really made myself crazy about this. It actually turned out to be a pretty good day..... The future in-laws got here around 1pm...I was out running errands and playing at the park with my kids. We got back to the house around 3:45 and headed out to dinner a few minutes after. My honey informed me they had a long talk for several hours and have cleared the air on a lot. He feels better on where we stand now...and they seem to feel better too. He talked to them about the conversations of the past that have hurt me and my MIL to-be actually said that although she didn't mean any harm by any of it, she knows she has said some things that were out of line and she will try not to do that anymore. He also asked them if they are having a hard time with anything and they said they've been fine....well adjusted and have accepted everything and are not living in the past. I don't get it.
Anyway, they have agreed to keep the relationship separate. When they visit us, they're going to visit us and not go over there to say hello. They will schedule their own time with the ex and leave us out of it. I think that is a fair arrangement.
There were many other things that were said....Overall, I was told it was a positive discussion.... He couldn't give me all the details because we only had about 20 minutes alone since this afternoon, but I'm sure we'll discuss it in bed tonight. He's been in a good mood though....so I think he feels much better....and I sense that everyone feels better so I am also feeling better.
I'm just so tired.... I think we really sweat this one out way too much today. Between my nerves and writing on here stirring things up and my honey's belly aching leaving him almost near vomiting, I would say we're about due for some shut-eye.
I just wanted to comment on a few posts before I turn in..

Bill- I get it now. I just wish you had said from the start this part to me and not someone else "I personally think it is disservice to jennifer for people to tell her how horrible her in-laws are just to commiserate. No family is perfect, and her MIL sounds better than most. Gifts, cards, telephone conversations and trips to visit a household they may or may not be so approving of - seems to me like they are going at least half-way to make this work. Sounds like way more positives than negatives to me." I agree with you... in retrospect, I felt hurt and angry by the things they were doing and I didn't see that as clearly. I do, however, feel as though your approach should have been more sensitive. But I take it you're just not that kind of guy... probably opinionated, "why should I sugar-coat" type of guy. But I will tell you, when dealing with me, it needs to be softer...or it won't sink in. I'll just feel like you're beating me over the head with it! No one can reason through anything when they feel they are under attack. Anyway, I still disagree with you about the whole step-mother is not a mother thing.... but we can agree to disagree. I am their Mother....that's how I see it... But hey, I see where you would think that....lots of people do... I just don't like it.
BTW, I'm 26 too... I'm not sure if anyone here knows that... I am a young second wife to be and a step-mama....My fiance is 40.....so when I get extra specially emotional or bitter when I post, take into consideration my age.....and my level of experience and ability to suck things up. I never in my life had to be the bigger person till I met my love...and I do it constantly, but sometimes it takes some serious adjustment on my behalf... and sometimes, depending on the situation, it takes me a long time to get there... Anyway Bill, no hard feelings really.... just try to throw in a bit more supportive stuff in there in between the hard lines, ok?
I certainly don't want to turn this forum into a nasty place. It's too good for too many people!
MIStepMom. Mom 24,Pashan-Your support meant a lot to me today....it kept me going... :) Hugs
Minet, sometimes when I want advice, I don't want to hear the "well what do you expect you're not even married yet" phrase. And after my first post before we were engaged, I was attacked with it....So last time, I kept it out by saying husband. Of course, we refer to each other as such in places where people don't know that we really are.... But we are in fact, not married....engaged to be married....next June.
We have a therapist, BTW...someone mentioned something about going to therapy to make sure we're ok or something.... We have a crisis shrink we've been seeing since we met. HA! When something happens that is tough to deal with, we call her or go see her. When things are calm, we don't need to contact her etc. We've been through a lot together, but we are 100% committed to this life...and to our love. Nothing will ever change that....this kind of love is worth fighting for....I'd rather have 50% of my soulmate, then 100% of someone I sort-of hit it off with. In the end, a day like this is nothing compared to how many other days are wonderful. I just need to hold my head up high and suck it up. I'm learning that....
I hope I make sense here.... I did have two martinis....and then we went to t-ball and I ran around with the kids at the park.... so I am wiped... Nothing like riding on a see-saw with a bunch of 6 year olds!
Catch you all soon and thanks again.
Jen

Bill, (and others) I didn't mean that you should only tell someone here what he or she wants to hear. My exact words were: "Jennifer came here looking for support and constructive advice." Bill, you were not constructive, you were destructive.

Remember that typewritten words do not convey tone of voice, emotion or compassion. That is read into it by the reader. Your post came across *to me* as very mean-spirited. You set the tone yourself with "I don't know how to say this without sounding too rude..." That made me put my guard up. Maybe you should've said to yourself, "Well, if I am going to sound rude, I should maybe find another way to say it before I post."

You all are right, this isn't a board where we should just tell each other what we want to hear... but we could be nice about it and not beat each other over the head with the advice.

Jennifer, I am glad things went well this evening and that your fiance was able to talk to his parents about the situation. It sounds as if things may go well for you guys this visit!

Have fun! Show his parents what a great wife, step-mom and DIL you are!! :-)

P

Good for you Jennifer! I am glad that you let your soon to be husband handle it with his parents. I also noticed he told them it hurt your feelings instead of stop disrespecting my wife crap. When someone tells me I hurt their feelings I feel really crappy about it and it bothers me for a long time. Have a great day

Jennifer, this is a step in the right direction. It is so important for your spouse to stand up for you even with his family. He sounds like he has done that and gently to boot. It will still take some time, but I think as long as all of you continue to communicate the rough edges will start to smooth out and there will be fewer of them. We have to remember we are all human and our emotions get in the way of our seeing as clearly as we should. Good decision on the counselor too. I think this can help alot when you do reach the big bumps in the road.

Take care and keep us posted on how things are going.

Jennifer (and others) - Sorry if I came off rude and pushy - frank advise doesn't translate well to type for me. Also, I guess I tend to treat people on the internet like they were "one of the guys" and that style isn't always suitable - especially for younger women. Guy advise is often diffent than that from female friends/posters in both content and tone, but the computer always seems gender neutral to me. :) I actually sugar-coat things pretty frequently - especially with the inlaws and extended family. I ust think that on the internet(more than in person), people tend to cling to about 1 sentence per post that strikes them - especially if they agree with it. They hear/read what they want to and disreguard the rest. Anyway, I'm glad things seem to be working out well for this visit.

I thought the 25 on your name was your age (when you registered) so I was already thinking that you were right around me. How did the age difference go over with the family? My sister (24) married a 41 yr old who had adopted kids (as teenagers) in his previous marriage. Two of the three are actually older than my sister - so the age gap was probably a bigger concern in our family.

britbritmay - It seems like I'm the only guy here, and Im not particularly comfortable in the role of gender spokesman, but here are my two cents. Women have more problems with ex's for a host of reasons. First, I think women are very territorial with children and come to think of them as "their own" very quickly. Add that to the desire to have a happy little family unit, and you have an intrinsic conflict set up. Second, I think many women tend to communicate in ways that require a huge amount of interpretation by the listener. This works great with friends, but often backfires horribly in even mildly antagonistic settings where the interpretation inevitably is made in the least positive light.

Also, men tend to be very results oriented. If there is a problem, we want to fix it immediately and move on. This is an extremely effective way to handle problems with people you don't really want to deal with even if it is frustrating to handle for women in closer relationships. Women tend to focus more on the process and talking it out untill you reach a conclusion or at least untill you feel better about it. When the participants are antagonistic, this unfortunately often deteriorates pretty rapidly. Finally, I think women have longer and more vivid emotional memories than men. Men tend to remember the facts and the conclusions while women are more likely to remember the emotion and the tone. If a reasonable decision is reached, men tend to forget pretty much everything but that decision. Women don't forget the decision, but they tend to remember the arguement and the hurt feelings as well. In most relationships, those balance out well with the memories from all the happy times. When the relationship is ONLY about resolving the conflicts, I think there is often a fair amount of accumulated resentment and hurt feelings. That is probably why tons of red flags go up for me whenever I here about a situation where the only communication two women are going to have is for problem solving.

Granted, all of this is just from my experience, and it may or may not translate the the rest of the people in the world, so take it for what is is worth.

While we are throwing out platitudes, I can't resist the urge to throw out my favorite, it's the motto of Alpha Epsilon Phi:

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood but of respect and joy in each others' lives."

Alas, my days as a sassy little sorority girl are long gone, but I still have this gem in a frame my sorority big sister gave me.

I am glad things worked out Jennifer. Just always be yourself, nothing more, nothing less. People will eventually respect you for that, and if not, well, at least you tried :)

Bill: You were so right when you said "I think women are very territorial with children and come to think of them as "their own" very quickly. Add that to the desire to have a happy little family unit, and you have an intrinsic conflict set up." I know that is exactly what I did when I remarried and when it started to backfire, I was very hurt and still am somtimes, but that is a totally different topic. I have not had to deal with my boys having a "step-mother" because my ex has not remarried or even dated in the 4 years since our divorce. I am going to have to remember all the things I have read on this site when and if this happens. As I posted before, we step-mothers are almost doomed before we start. We try so hard to make everyone happy and sometimes we only end up making everyone unhappy. There are so many emotions when it involves childen that it is hard to gauge what is right and wrong. It is especially hard when the stepchildren live with you and you are the one doing almost everything for them but yet someone gets all the credit and you just get shafted. But I have to believe in my heart that someday we will be rewarded for all our effort and hard work.

I was trying to explain to my husband the other night why I feel so compelled to keep our house presentable for company and sometimes seem so hard on the kids about their bad habits. They only think I could say is that society has for a very long time judged women on how well they kept their houses and how well mannered their children are that even though times are changing (slowely though) we are still judged by these standards today. Nobody is going to come into a dirty house and say "boy, Joe keeps a terrible house" or "Joe sure hasn't raised his kids with very good manners". So I believe this is why women are so emotional about these things. I may be way out in left field on this, but this is what I think.

So, thank you for your "guy" opinions. I guess we all have to remember that we think differently and that we are all entitled to our opinions.

Have a good weekend.

MI StepMom: Your situation and mine are similar, I think. I read a previous thread from you (that I want to respond to later) about your age 18 SD living in your house.

I agree that women are generally held responsible for the state of the house, no matter if both husband and wife are working full-time. I'm fortunate - my husband vacuums and shampoos the carpet, and we pretty much split the dishes (no dishwasher) and he often cooks, so it's not much trouble keeping the house looking good if I keep up with the clutter. But I do feel that if someone drops by and the kitchen is a mess, it's me they judge (even if unconsciously) rather than him.

And somehow I feel embarrassed by my stepkids' lack of table manners and lack of common courtesies, even though the youngest was 13 when I joined the family and the bad habits were all firmly entrenched by then. I guess it's because in public places people will assume that I'm the mom who never taught these kids how to eat without smacking their lips and how to use the utensils properly and how to open doors for others etc.

I think your reasoning for these thoughts is correct: traditionally it has been the woman's role to keep the house neat and bring up the children. And the man's role to cut the grass and keep the cars oiled and all that. While some of the roles may be interchangeable, I'm not sure if the housekeeping and childrearing responsibilities will ever by truly "equal," mostly due to what Billl has said about the emotional responses women have to situations.

I don't agree with all of Billls thoughts - I think some of his gender-based examples may have more to do with personality types, e.g., I am more logical and results-oriented in many areas than my husband. I take control in some situations that might be unpleasant, whereas he tries to make sure everyone else is happy, even if that means he is severely inconvenienced or dissatisfied.

All this is interesting to me but digresses from the original thread ... sorry. I wish Jennifer25 well - and I hope the issues get ironed out before the marriage, not after. It's so easy to claim "soulmate" but not realize that there's also a whole lot of backstory and underpinnings that come with that claim.

Just to clarify, I don't think all men or all women are one way or another. I was responding to a question about a generality with some (overly) general statements. On average, I think you can make certain assertions, but that doesn't mean they necessarily apply to any person in particular.

Bill - who cooks and cleans but is married to a woman who could care less if company saw a mess room.

Visit is still going well... MIL did bring up exey in one conversation... We were talking about bad plane rides and she referenced a flight home after coming out here to help exey out with the kids. It bothered me....but I let it drop. I feel more secure with things I guess.... I also know that it was just a casual conversation. She wanted to relay a bad experience on a plane, but had to explain why she was on it in the first place! It's forgotten. I can't be sensitive about everything...
It's interesting to see where everything took off in this thread. I'm liking the discussion... :) I've been thinking about Brit's ? to Bill... and trying from my own perspective to describe why I have so much trouble with exey. It's just a territorial thing I guess. It's not easy being the second one for everything. And women haven't been trained to accept being number two....I was taught to never settle for second best....that's in my blood, so I fight to be on top. I was an only child....and I'm used to having everything be for me. I've learned the hard way. But, I also think it's in the man you are with. If you feel insecure and you have a good man who stands by you and assures you that you have nothing to feel protective of, then it will keep the calm that needs to be there. I know whenever I have felt territorial or threatened, D has always assured me of his love and that this is OUR life...and no one or nothing will interfere with that etc. Women are taught to protect what they have and to view it as something they need to hold on to... Men, don't worry as much about that. Outside influences don't have an impact on how they think or feel... They usually don't care what other people think... I take my SD to school every morning... She's 4 and still in preschool!!! You should see the way these girls relate to one another. She is being taught at an early age that the opinion of her girlfriends is what matters. She told me the other day she didn't want to wear her yellow jacket because one of the other girls said it wasn't pretty enough! HAH! If I so much as say hello to one of the girls in her class, or kiss her brother...instead of her, she gets jealous and protective. And she's 4! Everywhere women turn we are constantly measured up to other women...we even measure ourselves up to other women...so why wouldn't we feel threatened and/or sensitive about an ex-wife who many of us live under the shadow of!!!!!!!!
I would like to find the strength to forget about it....to let her go. I think it is just something that only time can do. I also believe that once we are married, there will be a greater sense of security there. However, I'm working on getting there before we get married. I've got one year to go...I think I can do it.
One other thing that was said, was the whole housekeeping thing....and how we are strict with the kids and keep them in line etc. I'm often concerned about that. I guess as a BIO-parent you have an inability to risk being hated by your children for even one moment. I also think that today, BIO parents feel guilty when they work around the clock and/or are tired and may not have the full attention span for the kids. They tend to let go of that sense of order out of guilt and turn it in for some chaos and loose manners. Bio-parents that are divorced carry that guilt as well as the guilt of breaking up the family, so they loosen up completely until the step-parent enters the scene. I just get concerned because I always have to feel like the heavy. And it's weird, it seems the children respect me more than their own parents. The three of us can be in a room and they listen to me and not their parents... It's hysterical! Many other step-mother's I know have said this as well.... It's just the way it is. I know one woman who says that she loves her husband, and accepts his children, but refuses to have kid fingerprints on any object in her home! When the children smudge a mirror or put their hands all over things, she flips. MIL tells me about her daughter's ex's new wife... The children come up to her and say, "may I have a cookie please." She gives him the cookie, he says, "thank you." Two hours later, they are back at his Mom's....he goes into the cabinet, takes out a box of Oreos and proceeds to eat 10 of them right before dinner. His Mother didn't even flinch....she took the box away leaving him 4 more!!!!!!! Clearly, the step-mother has more common sense here... But the step-mother has more of an ability to do the right thing, the mother just wants to please the child. I wonder what it really is that makes the step-mother make it a point to discipline and provide structure, while the Bio-MOM is so loose and carefree? Maybe it is because step-mothers give up the kids when they go back and feel a loss of control and in an effort to make up for it, they tighten the reigns. They need to show they have a say....they are important, and they do it better! I think I am guilty of that, yet at the same time, I'm helping them. I take the boy to T-ball, the other kids cannot focus, climb fences and take everything as a joke, while my boy is standing there paying attention to every detail....getting the most that he can from the experience. I have strict rules in this house...I hate when my kids hold their hands out for food. I tell them, "you're not beggars....wait." Their Mother thinks it's funny... I think it's rude and impatient. I am impatient with SD when she cannot sit at the table without spilling anything...sure she's a kid, but she needs to learn how to sit still... Her mother thinks it's funny. I don't know where I am going with this....but I am trying to say that to step-parents certain things just matter. And yes, when I go places people who don't know us assume I'm their Mother....and I don't want anyone to think I'm not a good one! I won't take SD anywhere with a stain on her shirt.... that's probably really nit-picky of me...but I don't want it to be a poor reflection of myself as a parent. I bet no one even notices....actually, they probably look and wonder how the hell I had two kids and look so young! I know I am rambeling here and what do I really know....but how people view me is really important to me....maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. It's also the values that I was raised with. Obviously since D is not with the ex anymore, it can be assumed that she was not his type... And that since he is with me, she and I are nothing alike. She and I are night and day....very different women in every way imaginable. We do not have the same values. My values and her's clash when it comes to the children. SD is taught that girls can be boys too... As far as equality is concerned, I agree... and if she wants to play baseball, I support that....BUT, I believe she needs to be taught poise and how to be a little lady and not sit with her legs open. Mommy does not think so. She doesn't discourage that I want to teach her little girl that.....but when I see that SD is not getting the values I believe are important, it BOTHERS ME. Please and thank you and not get that or I want that now, please! When people are talking, it's "please do not interrupt and wait until we are done talking, not, "yes sweetie, what can I get you." I know it's a values thing when I take the kids home to my Mother's for a visit and see that she is on them for the very same things. And I love when my kids look at me as if to say, "Now I understand why you get on me about that, it's because your Mom did and you think that is the right way etc." And it never fails, after we leave, the kids remember it and it becomes a part of them. I wish my Mom was around here more often.
You may be wondering where D (fiance) fits in with all of this. We have the exact same values and ideals. We parent the same way... I'm a bit harder on the kids.....but we're simpatico. His ex-wife, however disagrees with our way. She thinks we need to loosen up..we think she needs to get tougher. Our therapist says this is often the way it is. When two people divorce because of their differences, the differences don't go away, they actually increase!!!!!!!!
Okay Okay.... I need to stop rambeling here... I'm so sorry... I'm just finding this forum to be a huge release these days....

Jennifer, I understand how you feel about the biomom... I was very insecure when I first married. I was jealous. I was jealous that he chose her first, that she had him first, that they shared something. I was jealous that would forever have the bond of their daughter. I was afraid that I'd not get to share that with him.

Honestly, my husband didn't understand my feelings, as he doesn't have my ex to deal with at all. Had he understood how I was feeling I think a little reassurance from him would've helped me. I also think that if he could've walked in my shoes he would have understood my insecurities.

I am over it all now, as a matter of fact, I realized early on that she was so much more jealous of me... I loved being the lucky one. I realize now that my feelings were unjustified. I also know that many step parents have these feelings.

Secondly, I do believe that you will need to accept the fact that the exwife WILL come up in conversation. You can not eliminate her from the past. She was married to your fiance, she is the mother of his children, she did have a relationship with her in-laws. While I understand that you don't want to hear about her all the time, you should get used to hearing about her from time to time.

The story about the plane ride is specifically what I am refering to. Sounds like the future MIL was talking about the plane ride, not the ex. The ex just happened to be a part of the story. She will undoubtedly be a part of your life forever. I do not condone the MIL bringing her up on a regular basis or calling you by her name, but accept that it will happen from time to time.

I realized that my in-laws didn't know me well and didn't know what to talk to me about. I had to suffer through stories about my husband ex for a while. It wasn't until I started being a part of their memories that her name came up less and less often. I don't think any of my in-laws have mentioned her (without me mentioning her first) in a very very long time. When they do, it's usually to tell me something stupid that she's done! :-)

I assure you that in time they will stop talking about her. Right now, they don't have anything else to talk to you about...

Keep smiling and keep your head up. Sounds like it isn't going too badly!
P

Pashan,
Good points in your last post.

Yes, I think Pashan has made some good points. The topic is Accepting the New Woman. Unfortunately, sometimes women forget they must also accept the "old" woman as part of the deal. I think if you just give your inlaws time, they will talk of her less and less. Believe it or not, my DH and I talk about our ex's on a fairly regular basis. I mean, when I am relating a story about my past, it just so happens that my ex was there, too. Do you see what I mean? It doesn't mean that I am reminiscing about my ex. I don't think your inlaws mean any harm. Anyway, it sounds like you are doing a great job with the kids. You certainly deserve a pat on the back for that. Good luck!

whazzup,
good point!

I was brought up to stand up for myself, not to let anyone walk all over me. It's one of the best things my parents taught me.

I am in a field that is completely dominated by men. I think one of the reasons they and my clients (who also tend to be men) respect this young female attorney is because I show no fear. There are some situations in life where you have to have confidence or you sink. I think parenting is another one of those situations.

It's good to have rules in your home - it's for everyone's benefit, including yours. Stick to them. Kids want boundaries, it makes them feel secure. That's why they test them- they want to know they are there. Think of it as doing what's best for your skids instead of thinking of it as being the "heavy!" In the long run, they will be much better off because someone cared enough to make sure they know how to behave.

I just think in the future you will have to give your in-laws a firm, but gentle reminder when they "forget." One or two instances here and there, well okay, no big deal. But I think one of the things we women tend to do is "disown" our feelings (which, correct if I am wrong, but that's kind of what Brit and Bill were advocating- that you should just ignore your own feelings because, it's your fault you are in this situation and therefore, you should be the one who has to go out of your way to please them). Our feelings then get bottled up and when they do finally come out, because eventually they do have to come out, they are built up to such a degree that sometimes the damage is irreparable. I think it's just better to put everything out on the table.

BTW, I haven't really "caught on" to the whole reason why people think you are to blame for the current situation - I read these posts kind of fast and my responses are very much off-the-cuff most of the time. What ever happened is in the past and it was a decision between two adults. You can't help who love and if your fiance loves you and wants to with you, that's not a crime under any circumstances. If he thinks you are special enough to marry, then his parents should treat you with respect. The respect they have for him should transfer over to you, no matter what the circumstances are. If they choose not to do that, I think it is within your right to speak up.

lea - I certainly was not advocating disowning ones feelings, just keeping them in perspective. I'm sure all of us have felt something well out of proportion to the actual events happening around us. That doesn't mean the feeling is wrong, just that the resulting actions need to be tempered by reality. I'm all for standing up for your rights, just make sure you are standing up for the right things. Intent and interpretation of intent are not one in the same. Taken as a whole, I think the slight was small on the MIL's part when weighed against her other positive actions.

"What ever happened is in the past and it was a decision between two adults." I really don't agree with that statement at all. Three years ago my MIL had an afair while married and ended up marrying the guy (who was also married at the time with a young daughter.) It may be in the past, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences in relationships today. We went to their wedding and wished them the best in their lives together, but I don't think my wife is ever going to really warm up to him or trust him like she might if it had all happened differently. I'm not implying this is what happened with Jennifer, but doing the math with the kids age and length of relationship, there doesn't seem to be much room for a
"respectful" waiting period. When you get involved in a situation with very raw wounds, you have to expect a few bumbs at the beginning. Even if everyones actions were completely honorable, it may not appear that way to everyone from the outside. Maybe I am way off base, but that is the impression I got.

Hi Jennifer! Sometimes things about the past come up in general conversation, and you just have to smile and realize that your husband did have a life before you. That's a reality and you will have to live with it. One of my husband's sisters visits my SD at the ex's house. While I'd certainly prefer she see my SD while she's with us -- hey, that's her business. If she wants a relationship with the ex, so be it. I just don't need to be a part of that, nor do I want to hear all about it (she doesn't mention it often). I know that my husband's sister does not know the full story about the ex -- if she did, she'd have a different view of her. It's not my place to educate her -- and I doubt I could do it without sounding like a jealous second wife anyway. His sister does not know about the awful things BM has done in the past, or the many crazy things we have to deal with in present.

Regarding discipling the kids -- I hear you! I have posted here before about how I believed that bio parents are so afraid of losing their kids' love that they spend their time with their kids being a Disneyland Parent. They tend to overlook and sugar-coat their kids' bad habits and manners. Step parents have no such blinders on! Call me an evil step parent, but I believed that my SD needed discipline and structure, something she was not getting from either bio parent. My SD was accustomed to being served special meals, eating with her fingers (while her hair fell into her plate), no table manners whatsoever (and I mean NONE!), not able to pick an outfit each morning, and in fact needing someone to help her get dressed, unwilling to go to the bathroom without someone standing there, incapable of getting herself a drink, interrupting adults constantly, needing to be entertained 24/7, wanting to be carried all the time, no set bedtime at night ... it goes on and on. She was totally dependent and very needy. And no, she wasn't 3 years old -- SHE WAS 5 when I married her Dad.

So, I knew she needed some serious help. And I also knew that I was not willing to foster such dependence, nor was I thrilled with watching a 5 year old eat like a pig at a slop trough.

Jennifer, you are right to guide them gently. They will learn good things from you, and they will appreciate it. When I would get discouraged or tired, people would tell me that I was doing the right thing. That my SD needed me! She rebelled and resisted at first, but now, she LOVES coming to our house. She gets to do things that her mother would never allow her to do -- like make lunch for her younger sister, pick her own clothes, answer the telephone ... simple things that make her feel important and grown up (sorta!). She gets to help me cook and knows how to clean her own room. Am I the wicked stepmother? I don't think so. I'm totally different from her Mom, so I think I can teach her things that her mother can't.

Things will get better for you. Sounds like your MIL is well on her way to acceptance. Fondness will come later. I'm sure she sees how good you are with her grandchildren, and that means so much.

So, just keep doing what you're doing. And don't freak every time someone mentions the ex. She's not gonna go away -- they have kids together. She will always be in your life. But you have already developed a special relationship with the kids. You are marrying their Dad next year. She's not a major part of your life, just a peripherial that you have to accept.

Almost forgot -- this year for Mother's Day, I got a hand-made card from my SD that said "YOU'RE THE BEST STEP-MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD" ... how gratifying! :-)

Well, they left....

It turned out to be the first visit that I actually enjoyed. It was the best so far. I think everyone felt a lot better knowing the air was cleared. They are also excited and eager to help us with the planning of our wedding.
I really feel I got closer to my FIL to be this time around. When they were leaving, he came over and gave me a big hug and told me that the kids are wonderful and we're doing a great job. That really meant a lot to us....because it's true...and we really wanted them to see that. MIL still has problems.... but FIL told us a few stories... They have been to over 12 different optometrists in IL....all of whom ask them never to return. It seems MIL has been given new prescriptions and glasses and insists she still cannot see. She also had dry hands and someone gave her a new lotion... She insists since she started using the lotion that her hands are itchy and red. They have been to 8 dermatologists and each one says there is nothing wrong with her hands. He went on and on telling us about different scenarios....how he tries to get her to do things instead of staying home, join the garden club etc, but she won't move. He said she is afraid of change....she just can't adjust to changes....she puts up a fight before it happens. So MIL, although she is kind and generous and accepting, BY NATURE, is having a tough time. I got over it! No big deal anymore!
The ex went over there to visit with the kids on Sunday. She actually brought her boyfriend! I was surprised when she told me. She said she wanted to take him for the fun of it, but also so that the family would see that she is fine....and happy. She said they had a nice time, but that she thinks the kids were confused about it... They didn't understand why they didn't go to see Daddy's family with Daddy and Jennifer. I understand the confusion....everything has always been so separate, but this blurred the lines for them. She tells me they had some behavioral things they went through as a result. It probably wasn't a good idea for her to bring the BF, but at the same time, she has a right to pursue and live her love-life!!! The kids get very little time with her though....and since this man has come into her life, they've been a mess. The little one has been giving the man trouble too.....told him to go away and leave her family alone. It's going to take some time for the kids to feel safe with this new person in the mix. I told her that we would help her with that. She appreciates the support. She is pretty serious about this man, which is a good thing. It will be nice to have a balance here....once we get the kids through the initial stuff. I know from my own experience, that it feels better for a child to see that if both parents cannot be together, that they at least have someone else to share their lives with. Then the child doesn't have to worry or feel guilty when they are with the other parent.
Anyway, thanks everyone for EVERYTHING! You got me through a tough time...and things are so much better now. I realize there are just some things I need to accept...even though they may upset me. And I do have to say, it's nice that they leave!!!!!!!!
We're actually going to fly out there in July with the kids...that will be fun... In October, we're all getting together to discuss the budget for the wedding....that should be interesting-our families meeting!! Look for a thread on that one! I'm sure I'll be really crazy then. Kidding.... Our families will be fine.
Yesterday my Mom said something that touched me... She is buying a bigger house all of a sudden and a friend of her's asked her why the hell she would do that... She was talking about all her family and how she needed more rooms and beds for everyone to sleep. Her friend wanted to know what family she was talking about and she said, Jennifer and D and all my grandchildren... I was happy that she said that....and that she didn't say, Jennifer and D and D's kids and their kids.. She grouped us all in as one big family... :) It's amazing how far D and I have come....amazing...

It sounds like you guys are on the right track. It's good that the ex is moving on with her own life. I mentioned that I was going to comment on your other post about the ex-wife getting over it when I got a free second. I guess I will stick it here rather than going back to the other post.

If she is happy with her new life, she will leave yours alone. I think only when a person has unresolved feelings about past events do they keep living in the past rather than moving on.

Even though I can never totally forgive my ex-husband for some of the things he did, I am over it enough to carry on with my own life. Some things that helped me get over it were: 1) I got counseling; 2) he got counseling; 3) once time had healed most of the wounds, we sat down and tried to understand what happened between us - it really helped to put closure on the whole thing. I feel bad because I have looked over my posts over the last few days and realize I kind of paint him as this horrible person. He isn't. He made a mistake and he knows it. He served his punishment and has been on his best behavior towards me ever since and that has really gone along way to making a happy childhood for the son we have together. We all went to his T-ball game Saturday (my husband, my parents, my ex-husband) and had a great time watching LJ run to third base instead of first when he hit the ball (LOL).

My ex-husband started seeing a very nice woman even before we were divorced; they are still together and she may one day be my son's step-mom. I am not totally sure when that is going to happen, but then, I don't ask questions because his relationship is not really any of my business. As long as she treats my son well, and she does, then I am happy.

The information you have given about the ex's behavior strikes me as similar to my own - that despite whatever happened between the two of them (the ex and your fiance), she seems to be going on with her own life and it seems unlikely she is going to make trouble for you.