It is unfair of you to say that my DD is unreasonably demanding. Go back and read what I originally wrote about her New Zealand trip. There is a huge difference in what my SD24 did and what my DD did. My SD24 planned in her mind a 7 night cruise to Hawaii, which would mean that air flights from Wisconsin to California would have to be included in the trip, as she lives in Wisconsin. The price that she expected us to pay was for the entire trip, it would be at least $5000. My DD said that she would like to take the $1000, that we were offering each child, and apply hers to her New Zealand trip. We said we didn't care where they took a trip, as long as it was without children. We were not paying for a family vacation. The trip was offered as a weekend getaway for the couple only. We said right up fron that if the kids go, we do not pay anything. My daughter did not ask for a trip to New Zealand from us. She was already planning a trip there, and wondered if the cash could be applied to her already planned trip. We offered this trip because we wanted to do something nice for our children for their 5th anniversary. I do not feel that we are trying to buy love. My daughter did not ask for money, it was offered to her first. She only clarified with me how she could use the money that I offered to her. It is OK for SD24 to clarify details of the weekend getaway that we'd offered her too. But she only heard that her brother was going on a cruise, and translated that to a cruise for her too. We'll send her on the same 3 day cruise out of San Diego as we sent her brother. Her brother got himself to San Diego, he happens to live nearby. The problem with her, is that she made the assumption that whatever she planned, how ever long it was, or where ever it went, that Daddy would pay. Far different from what my daughter did. And now that the first kid took the trip, we can't very well retract the offer for the others. This will be the last offer of anything like that after they've all gotten their turn. As far as buying something for DD and not for SD, well they are keeping score. If they hear of something that I did for my kids, and not for them, then there are problems. I mailed a "care package" to my son in the Marines while he was in Iraq. At the same time my DHs daughter was 200 miles away in graduate school. I didn't see this as the same situation, but I was newly married, and didn't want to cause waves over a care package. It seemed like my DH wanted me to send one to his DD too. So, I did. I get an email for DS23 for Iraq telling me that he shared the brownies with the rest of his troops, and they all said thanks. He said they lasted about 5 minutes. The culture on base in Iraq, is when you get a package, you share. 2 weeks went by and I heard nothing from DS25. My DH phoned her and asked her if she got the package or not. She said yes, but was to busy to call and thank me. I never bothered to send her another one. My son now is in Somolia, and I send him one about every 4-6 weeks. If he starts taking them for granted, I'll stop with him too, but he hasn't. It's OK to disagree on the forum, but I think we should be curtious to each other. I don't think we should write something here that we would most likely not say to someone's face. I think we should share our experiences to help each other, but refrain from telling others how wrong they are just because they don't do it our way.

Lonepiper, Although I had a very difficult experience with my skids and DH, I have seen enough blended and second family situations to know that not only can they work, the players can actually be happy with each other and love one another. One of the keys (in my opinion) is not to force a family bonding. This was one of my big mistakes. I have a cousin with two kids, now grown but around 5-6 when she married a man with two kids around 7-9 at the time. They never, ever all lived together. This was a deliberate, strategic decision on the part of my cousin and her 2nd husband. Her kids lived with her, his kids lived with his ex-wife out of state. Not far, but still not in the same town. He saw his kids often since the out-of-state location was right down I-95 and not far. They merged the families slowly, trips to Disneyworld and so on, never trying to be parent to the other's kids and not forcing the clan together. 20 years later the kids refer to each other as brother and sister and the parents, really step parents, stay in more of a friendship mode with their respective stepkids vs parent. I know others with similar situations, just not on this board! Yes, I do envision a life with a better partner some day, why not? That doesn't mean that I haven't learned the hard way to not try to force some new "dad" down my son's throat if that ever comes to pass. Or to try to be someone else's "2nd" mom. Uggg. The walls will be pretty thick between any new person and my son for a long while. That's what I've seen works with divorced people and their kids. But going it alone, and of course, who knows if there is a 2nd act for me, is not what I want at all. I hope I can learn from my mistakes as well as what I have read and learned on this board.

Keep your arms out for those of his kids that can work through issues. I'm sorry the 40 year old (from your description) is still acting like a pre-schooler. She can decide not to like you (and vice versa) but civility in behavior is paramount. If she can't do that -- you don't need to have her in your space until she reconsiders at least on the behavior end. Your husband has a strong connection to all of his children. Don't try to step between that and them. But be clear on where you need to be for your own sanity. Find a mindspace where you can be happy that he wants to carve out time with them, even if some of those times will be without you. But make sure he continues to carve out space with YOU. Consider that he's in a tough middle-spot -- he loves his kids, he loves you. He shouldn't have to CHOOSE one or the other -- but he needs to respect you enough to tell his kids to stop disrespecting his wife, even if some of them may never love you themselves. He chose you to wed, after all.

How timely! I just saw this post on another similar blog: "Here is a link to an article titled: The Real Reason Children (and Adults) Hate their Stepmothers. Why we shouldn't blame stepmom when his kids reject her. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stepmonster/200910/the-real-reason-children-and-adults-hate-their-stepmothers There are 'external forces, most beyond a stepmother's control, that may undermine her good intentions and best efforts with the children. These factors include loyalty binds, a child's jealousy and resentment, the Ex Factor, permissive parenting, cultural expectations about women and children, and a phenomenon called conflict by proxy.' These factors are just beginning to come to the surface today, in the year 2018. Yet, currently and in the past, the vast majority of people will point the finger at SM for pretty much any ills in the family. Yes, that can cause bitterness." You are not being too harsh. Stand your ground with your No. Many a time the only weapon/ protection a SM has is that word, No, and her ability to stand with it. When you are a SM, if it feels like it is you against the World, you go with you because most people have never been in your shoes and have no clue what it is like to try to integrate into another tribe without any support.