Divorcing husband and stepkids at last

14 years ago

Hi. I havent posted here is some time.I have two stepkids, one 32 with two kids, 10 1/2 and 6 and one who is 36. I also have a bio son, 8 1/2 who survived cancer. I began posting here two years ago because of my stepkids lack of caring regarding my son during his serious illness. As things went on I described how awful a family my husbands children and relatives are in my opinion.

My husband and I are now divorcing. Not specifically because of his adult kids, there have been other huge problems. BUt, his lack of desire in making life easier for me and my son with his adult kids has been an ongoing problem and to me reflects his affection or lack thereof towards me and our little boy.

For my son's sake, I hope that his adult half sibs will not fire him as family. I believe his half brother, the one with the young boys, my son's nephews already have. The adult daughter we'll see. She told me last fall around the holidays that she would NOT like to meet or be around my relatives because it would make her too uncomfortable and it would make her feel disloyal to her mother. Their rejection of me, my son, my family and all things me has been such a bitter pill. They are the crappiest excuses for family members around.

I will and do not miss being related to them. The divorce isn't final so officially we are related but my detachement, especially to the son has been rapid. I do hope that they won't fire my DS8 as well since he loves them but who knows. They probably see this as their opportunity to get their Dad's attention back where they think it belongs, on them.

For all you stepkids reading this, understand how painful this is, how painful you can make life be for everyone involved. How the holding on to the past, the resentment for things the new spouse and half siblings had nothing to do with is misplaced, destructive and immature. Unless the new spouse had something to do with the break up of your old family cut everyone some slack and pray for the heart to be loving. It is only in Grimm's Fairy Tales where the Wicked Stepmother is out to get the original kids. Not real life. In real life it's usually the Evil Stepkids out to get the Stepmom

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Comments (21)

silversword
14 years ago
Oh Lamom.... I remember you and your story and I think of you on occasion. I'm so sorry to hear that this is the outcome but understand your need to protect yourself and your son.

(((((lamom)))))
justmetoo
14 years ago
Good luck to you and your little one, LAmom. I wondered how things were going for you...it's been a long time since you posted. May you find some peace in your life. Thoughts and prayers your way for you and the little guy.
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I don't want to repeat myself--so read what I posted last on this thread. Thanks to benicebekind (smile), I'll write a little about what happens when you 'take over' for another person--that is how you train other people to be dependent on you. What that can lead to is not good. A person that is fairly normal will resent another person from wanting or trying to 'take over' for them (that would be me). Some people like the challenge that comes with life and aren't all that agreeable to someone else thinking for them, or doing for them, etc. (that's me too) I don't want to ramble on about the entire subject, so let me give a couple examples. A friend of mine was complaining about his wife (a professor at a university) missing important appointments and forgetting obligations, being constantly unprepared, etc. It was creating all kinds of dilemmas and involving other people coming to her aid. Her lack of organization was affecting too many areas of their life. He was even concerned that not meeting deadlines for important things would have something to do with her not obtaining tenure at the university (no job). I suggested that she needed a secretary. Of course, that was an unhelpful suggestion because we knew that their incomes wouldn't support such an extravagance. The husband tried to help by purchasing a dayplanner and trying to keep track of things for her, etc.--calling her throughout the day to remind her of things and seeing her off early every day with a checklist to make sure she had everything she needed that day. He was even helping her with the on-line university course she had obligated herself to. She was constantly overextending herself--and that was partly because she had stopped being realistic about what she could/would handle. He was more concerned about her lack of organization than she was. He had helped her all the years she was studying for her doctorate, etc. He was finding life quite frustrating--trying to keep track of her responsibilities and his own. He didn't know what to do. You see, by taking care of so many things that his wife could take care of on her own, he had trained his wife to be dependent upon him. He just thought he was being a great guy--but now her lack of organization was affecting the family life and her professional life. After all the money sunk into her career, the thought of her not getting tenure was more than he cared to even think about. The same story could be altered some and apply to the experiences he and his kids were sharing. I can tell you that having known this person for all his life, he was a tremendous self-starter and achiever. What caused him to place tremendous pressure on his family to achieve--I don't know. His kids are nervous wrecks and someday will face the dilemma of never being satisfied with themselves. They will most likely perpetuate the pressure that was placed on them with the love of their life and their children too. When we try to take over for other people--we usually have good intentions--and we all know that we need each other--I'm not talking about the healthy kind of help and support we give each other. The inspiration and encouragement we offer each other is often the best and most we can or should do for each other. When we 'take over' for another person, the message given is that we do not believe in this other person; we do not trust this other person; we are insecure and have to take things into our own hands. These messages are demeaning to the development of a marital relationship and even more harmful to the development of a child/teenager/young adult. 'Taking over' for another person when that other person is quite capable or WOULD be quite capable if we would give them the freedom to make mistakes and take responsibility for their decisions and actions and feelings, robs another person of their dignity and causes the human soul to falter. Making mistakes and suffering the consequences is part of learning. When you step in to prevent a person from suffering (PLEASE--take this in the spirit I mean it to be taken), you are hindering that person from progressing. Have you ever watched the people in the office that are right there to do extra work to make themselves just about indispensable--looking for a raise or some favoritism? Waiting for their boss to think, what would I do without that person? So sometimes having another person dependent on us isn't all that bad. In our personal lives, it can be disastrous. The wife that wants to take the husband's previous partner on, so-to-speak, is trespassing. If the husband gets used to his wife taking care of his business (even tresspassing to do so), and even going over his head with the children, and even more than willing to 'take on' the relatives--is it any wonder that one day she hears herself saying how he just puts off doing things until time runs out and she has to take care of things? There are guys out there that have become so dependent on their wives, that they have just about stopped thinking. If there was ever a hint of being a leader--it goes away. No wife and no child will benefit from a husband or dad that does not take on leadership in his own life. How often I hear women complain that their husbands don't show them affection--well, what guy wants to make love to his mother. Think about it. It gives me the creeps, and it gives most guys the creeps. You have no idea. There might be a few places (ok, so there are allot of places) in our lives where a mother is great, but when the woman in our life starts to sound like a mother--willing and waiting to take over for us, wanting to think for us, wanting to do what we can do ourselves--well, you gals may not know what I mean--and a lot of guys haven't been able to put it into words, but take it from me--it is no good to play mama with your husbands. Financial problems--mostly the result of not having discipline. A wife wearing the pants wants this and that. Make wife happy and you'll be happy too. Is that the way it goes? So you can't afford to take your kids to the ball game cause you have a high mortage--cause you bought a brand new home and for no money down, and your are paying high insurance rates for that new car--cause you could buy it for no money down. And your kids all have new shoes and you've got nice furniture and you know that you are spending too much on your credit card--but you just don't have the cash. You hope nothing needs to get fixed, and you keep the speed limit--cause a speeding ticket will cause you to go over the edge. Your daughter wants to get married and you have no money saved. You end up going on pills for depression--or spend the food money on a drinking binge, or your mortgage money on gambling, or maybe you'll just go crazy and take it out on the kids and wife, or maybe you'll just give up--period. You would like to blame your mom and dad for not teaching you how to make decisions or have some control over yourself, but you've heard lately that YOU are accountable for your actions. Maybe you can get a wife who will say that all will be well if you will just let her think for you. So the role of being dependent continues in your life. Oh, and did you tell this woman that wants to help you raise your kids (pay some bills and cook and clean for you, etc., etc.) that she will have to continue to work till kingdom come to support your dependent soul? My folks would very often say, "Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you." I try to be the best person that I can be. I don't think about what's going to come back to me. I think my folks would like that I feel that way. Some people can't help it that they are dependent. You have compassion on those people. You accept them even though they can't help themselves much. You love them. But you don't let them mess with your soul. If they are stupid--you just take that into account, but you don't let them lead you, and you don't let them manipulate you. Enough said. Anyway, I've gone on too long. I hope I haven't offended anyone. Cheers
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incognitomom
14 years ago
I am sad to hear that you are divorcing, but I totally understand why it is happening! I remember your story. You need to do what is best for your son and yourself. Good luck and don't be a stranger on here!!!
parent_of_one
14 years ago
I was actually thinking about you, where you disappeared...

I wish you and your son the best in dealing with this. It must be hard for your son, hopefully his dad will remain involved.
sharicole
14 years ago
lamom, I hear a sense of relief from your posting. I wish the best for you and your son. I can totally relate to what you are saying about your adult skip kids. I hope my sks read your last paragraph and learn something from it. Thanks for the update and now you can start feeling a sense of peace. Peace be with you.
mattie_gt
14 years ago
lamom, I'm sorry to hear that everything will not end up as you had hoped, but, since you cannot control anyone's behavior but your own, it sounds like you are heading towards the best outcome that you can, given the circumstances.

You said "Unless the new spouse had something to do with the break up of your old family cut everyone some slack and pray for the heart to be loving." I agree, and would like to add that even if the new spouse did have something to do with the breakup of the marriage, any anger or distaste about that should never be carried over to any new half-siblings. Even if a much younger half-brother or sister seems to be so spoiled compared to your childhood (and they may be), it is completely wrong to make that child suffer because of it - really, are they supposed to decline summer camp, a car at age sixteen, or college tuition, just because you didn't get it?!

lamom, it is possible that with you soon out of the picture, the adult childrens' attitude towards your son may improve. If it does not, well, as sad as that will be for your son - they really do not sound like the kind of role models that one would prefer older siblings to be.

I hope all works out well for you both. Best of luck to you. Please keep us updated if you choose to do so.
shakti2574
14 years ago
I am sorry to hear about your divorcing. I wholeheartedly agree that the blended families are like mine fields where we have to nagivate through all the past hurt and attachments.
Unfortunately, it is easier said than done because attachment is hardwired to our brain by God. It takes so much practice and cultivation for all of us to LET GO and SURRENDER.

Good luck to you in your new path
steppschild
14 years ago
I too am sorry to learn of your situation but I am sure that you put a lot of thought into your decision. I think I have posted here once or twice within the past year +. I lurk every now and then. I was thinking about you the last time I did that. I wish the best for you and I hope that your DS continues to stay healthy.

My best. Geri
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
Good Luck to you Lamom.

The only thought I had was...

The ex sks will still be either angry and/or jealous of your son ....

If dad stays involved ... why couldn't he do that for us.

If dad does not .... see thats the dad we knew Lamom was ________ to think he changed.

Still a lose lose situation for your son with them.
lamom
Original Author
14 years ago
Thank you all for the kind words. I am certainly looking for peace.

After all of the drama of my stepkids, my DS8 now gets to be a child of divorce too. After all of the work, effort, and trying it is just the two of us after all. It was really only the two of us before and now it's official.

My SD36 has stayed in touch although I haven't heard from SS32 in months. Ex told me they havent been in touch either but we were together a few days ago and his son called him on his cell. He didn't take the call,knowing I would know they are of course in touch.

I am hosting a large Easter party including Easter Egg hunt and am not inviting any of them. I hope to never date a man with kids again although of course I will be looking for a man who will accept mine! :) If he has them I hope they are grown, educated, employed and living somewhere from 3000-5000 miles away. Did I mentioned self-sufficient with a BM who is remarried, employed and happy in her own life? Throw some common sense and financial independence in the pot for everyone. That might work, ya think?
lonepiper
14 years ago
Maybe this should be thought of as a learning experience -- stay single!! Why complicate your life further with the thoughts of future men.
lamom
Original Author
14 years ago
Lonepiper,

I am assuming that was a stab at sarcasm. Let me repeat, I am not going to go through life alone because I made the mistake of burdening myself with stepchildren.

Let's review:

"If he has them I hope they are grown, educated, employed and living somewhere from 3000-5000 miles away. Did I mentioned self-sufficient with a BM who is remarried, employed and happy in her own life? Throw some common sense and financial independence in the pot for everyone."

The learning experience is the value of taking on the children of others just because you love the man/woman. I'll just stay STEPCHILDREN FREE.
mom_of_4
14 years ago
I noticed in the other thread regarding some book to read that you posted that bm and teenage son was living in a motel after the divorce while DH was not. I dont really want to dredge up the past (although I suppose I am)... but I was just curious as to why?
parent_of_one
14 years ago
mom of 4, you type lamom in "search" you'll find all old posts from years ago about their family history. her DH was not a good father to his older kids and was not good husband to his ex, and that the source of their bitterness and anger. But honestly it seems he is not the father he should be for his little one either and was not a good husband for lamom either.

Honestly this guy just sucks as a father and a husband big time, and lamom is much better of without him. With someone else or single she will have a better life.
lamom
Original Author
14 years ago
Parent of One,

Thank you.
end-of-rope
14 years ago
I wish you the best of luck. I applaud you for making the decision to make your life better. I am in limbo, love my DH but REALLY dislike one of the SD's that has a lot of control over her father. In the last 3 years I have not spoken to her at all; it has been a great strain on our marriage. DH speaks out of both sides of his mouth and has been caught lieing and hiding stuff from me to protect his kids. Oh - where is my crystal ball.
lonepiper
14 years ago
Actually it wasn't meant to be sarcastic at all. The truth of the matter is that you may not have to deal with stepchildren if you find a man who does not have children from a previous relationship, however, YOU DO have a child. This future man you're already envisioning is going to have the same issues that we've had a stepmothers - and you'll have a whole new ballpark of problems balancing new man's feelings and that of your son. I just don't understand why anyone would want to subject themselves and their children to the turmoil that we know can happen...
lamom
Original Author
14 years ago
Lonepiper,

Although I had a very difficult experience with my skids and DH, I have seen enough blended and second family situations to know that not only can they work, the players can actually be happy with each other and love one another.

One of the keys (in my opinion) is not to force a family bonding. This was one of my big mistakes. I have a cousin with two kids, now grown but around 5-6 when she married a man with two kids around 7-9 at the time. They never, ever all lived together. This was a deliberate, strategic decision on the part of my cousin and her 2nd husband. Her kids lived with her, his kids lived with his ex-wife out of state. Not far, but still not in the same town. He saw his kids often since the out-of-state location was right down I-95 and not far. They merged the families slowly, trips to Disneyworld and so on, never trying to be parent to the other's kids and not forcing the clan together. 20 years later the kids refer to each other as brother and sister and the parents, really step parents, stay in more of a friendship mode with their respective stepkids vs parent. I know others with similar situations, just not on this board!

Yes, I do envision a life with a better partner some day, why not? That doesn't mean that I haven't learned the hard way to not try to force some new "dad" down my son's throat if that ever comes to pass. Or to try to be someone else's "2nd" mom. Uggg. The walls will be pretty thick between any new person and my son for a long while. That's what I've seen works with divorced people and their kids.

But going it alone, and of course, who knows if there is a 2nd act for me, is not what I want at all. I hope I can learn from my mistakes as well as what I have read and learned on this board.
lamom
Original Author
14 years ago
And Thanks to all who expressed well wishes to DS81/2. He is doing fine, well in school, passes all tests regarding his cancer.

He is slowly accepting the separation and divorce after being distraught for months. One big thing on his mind and mine is will his big 1/2 brother and big 1/2 sister forget about him? I posted earlier that I am having an Easter party and had planned to not invite my skids or sgkids. I changed my mind and invited them as I hope (still hoping against hope) that they can step up for DS8's sake as well as their own kids who like my son, their young uncle. We'll see if they show, always iffy even in the best of times.
silversword
14 years ago
I hope your party went well LA. I've been thinking of you.
lovehadley
14 years ago
There is no reason you should rule out being with another man in a better, healthier and more satisfying relationship in the future.

I don't agree that you should stay single because you have a child. I do think you should absolutely take this time to focus on your son and yourself and it seems to me that's what you're doing.

In time, who knows what will happen---your world is an open book! ;-)

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you are going through a divorce but I more than hear the relief in your tone. I'm glad you are at peace with your decision!

Divorcing husband and stepkids at last

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