If he thinks that you should accept your son getting the Cinderella treatment, LEAVE!

In a blended family, all kids need to be treated APPROPRIATELY, not based on bloodlines.

I don't know about you living in the past, or what your little boy is like, or what your son has been exposed to in his young life--but adults who make little children feel insecure and afraid and rejected are harmful.

Here is a question to answer in your own mind. IF your son were to keep all the rules and if you were to keep all the rules...would this man still find some reason to be hurtful?

THANKYOU for validating what I am feeling as I am rather isolated.I would like to tell you a little more about the situation to get these awful feelings out.If anyone has any further insight I would appreciate it.
Fiance refers to my 'living in the past' because whenever I try to talk to him about are family problems he denies any thing is wrong so I give him an example.When my son was 5 fiance's family who had just met him,offered him a pop.My child replied 'no thankyou I dont drink pop'.Members of the family discussed how unmanly my child is and asked if his dad was gay.Fiance had also said my son is just too pretty and could use a couple scars on his face.These things happened early in the relationship and still bother me to this day,I am offended that my 5 year old would be judged that way.I feel betrayed by people that were kind to my face and badmouthed my son behind my back,and frankly dont want either of us around them.This may sound as though I am too sensitive but this is not the only time this has happened,thus by not wanting to be around his family I am living in the past.My son is picked apart and fiance's son displaying the same behavior is accepted.I cant take it anymore,Thanks for listening.

Listen to your intuition and get the heck out of there!

You are hurting and feel for your son and care about your futures. It may take you a long time to find the real love of your life, and you may never find him, and you may have a hard road to travel. But peace and joy is something that is a reward and earned after much effort and hard work in choosing what is good. Best to you.

As a mother, in your heart you know that this is not good for your son. And as a mother, you understand that your child is counting on you to make decisions that provide a loving environment for you both. For his emotional health to make sure that he is surrounded by those who love him, encourage him, and cheer him on...giving him the best chance of a happy childhood where he grows up surrounded by people who think he is terrific! If you think that this relationship is hard and painful for him as a young boy and you are in the early stages of "love" ...imagine what it will be like when the "bloom has faded on your love when you are several years down the road in a marriage and your man is no longer trying to impress you"... and your son is a teenager. If your fiance' is hard on a young boy...how do you think he will treat him when your son is becomming a man and can challenge/threaten him head on...full of years of hurt and anger?

**RUN** from this relationship! I'm so sorry you are facing this, but consider yourself very lucky to be spotting the HUGE RED FLAGS before you marry this person. There are likely other red flags that you might be ignoring or explaining away to yourself. Think hard about those things, little things that bother you but you're pushing to the back. Or that he's downplaying, saying you are too sensitive/living in the past/misinterpreted him/he never said or did that....whatever.

GET OUT of this relationship for the sake of you and your lovely son. 2 years is *nothing*...don't make the mistake so many do and waste 10, 15, 20 years of your life with someone who is clearly not a good person. He is damaging you and your son.

I wish you all the best.

Please do me a favor, Cypress.....LEAVE!
Your child shouldn't have to be treated that way. I was when I was little. Go here (http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg0812243515628.html?46) and scroll down to where I comment. It is part of my story. Other than this stuff, my step-mom also caused my half brother to stop coming to visit my Daddy when he was 2 because she whipped him for playing with my sister's toys. That's all he was doing. I only got to see my half brother that time. I didn't get to meet him again until I was 16. He was 14.
I am now 20, and still don't go to my Daddy's house because of my SM.
AR_Dramaqueen

I so needed to hear all the encouraging words. I thank you all as I have no one to validate how I feel.
I have left and am under attack emotionally,he says it was not that bad,I over react.I dont think so.
I pray for strength to accept the reality of what I put my son through.I said I would never put a man before my child and shamefully,I did.
cypress

Cypress, I sent you a private email. I left out one comment:

Your post describing what his family said to/about your son...absolutely horrible. Your fiance has been brought up in a very damaging way. I'm positive he suffered the same abuse he is heaping on your son and you. That is what he was taught, is still being taught.

Stay strong.

You are doing the right thing for your son. Hugs and best wishes to you both.

Cypress -
You left! That's what is best for your son.

And print out your first post. Every time he says "it wasn't so bad", read what you posted to us. He was not treating your son well!

Cypress,

Just some thoughts. You didn't mention if this man is hurtful only when it comes to your son--or is he hurtful in other ways too. You had said that you thought he was the man of your dreams. Was that a misconception--aside from his behavier toward your son?

Sometimes it takes a long time to get to know a person. That's probably one of the reasons why so many people choose to live with each other before making a legal commitment.

The love of my life is only the love of my life because my attitude rocks! It didn't just happen. I made it happen.

You have thrown the 'baby out with the bathwater' so-to-speak.

Cruelty is cruelty--to ask a child to endure ANYTHING in the name of a parent's love life is WRONG. Period.

Brass Tacks, you are so far off on this one.... Why would any responsible parent accept that kind of treatment for their child? And why on this green earth would a person CHOOSE to be with someone who would injure a child emotionally or physically? My level of disgust for someone who would purposefully injure another being knows no limits and shows extreme lack of integrity and character--two things I would HOPE that Cypress requires in any possible spouse.

The world is full of good people, and there are PLENTY of those who would not be cruel to a child. A parent's FEELINGS don't mean jack when it comes to taking care of their kids. Always putting your kids first is one decision for which you would NEVER be sorry.

"Making it happen" means a lot of different things to people. Frankly, I wouldn't want to MAKE anyone be a stepparent. It's a job some people can do, but a lot of people CAN'T do--for many reasons. And to suggest that you just foist it upon someone is wrong on at least 8 different levels. Stepparenting is slogging it out in the trenches, unglamorous, difficult, dirty work and just because you might care about someone does not equip them to do it. Frankly, I think that there are very few people ABLE to do it. Lots of people volunteer for the job, but few actually succeed.

Cypress, stay strong and be proud of yourself. As hard as all this is, it is the best for your son and you.
Vivian, well said!!

I appreciate the support this forum has given me.I am struggling to stay strong in my decision.
My ex fiance has had a sad upbringing,as a result he is also an alchoholic and I have watched over time as our family life deteriorated.Drinking is his favorite past time,our home became party central.He is mean and intolerant hung over,making promises to the kids and not keeping them,that is when the most conflict occurred.My child is innocent and has not had the mom I once was before I met fiance.It's like I had to choose wich one to save.As sad as it feels I am at peace in choosing my boy.Fiance promised many times to get help,but I can tell he does'nt really want to give it up.I don't believe the 'baby wen't out with the bathwater'as Brass tacks said.I really wanted it to work and I am finally healthy enough to realize that.
Fiance says our relationship is not based on the kids,we come first.I could never be happy in a home where my child was not happy.
Thanks for listening,
Cypress

You are right, your son must come first. My DH made that clear when we first went together - if it didn't work between him and my kids, it wouldn't work for us either. We always put my kids first, sometimes making special one-on-one time for us. Like a short weekend at Grandma & Grandpa's so we could be alone.

Cypress,
I'm not quick to tell someone to leave. You have been as a family since your own child was 4 or 5, and the other children since they were 2 and 5. No doubt you will be missed.

I thought you mentioned that you were isolated...must have mixed you up with another poster. At any rate, being isolated can mean so many things...I can picture someone living out in the desert miles from anywhere, or someone not having family or other kinds of moral support. I can picture someone not being able to support themselves, or not having a way to have transportation. Many things come to my mind when posts are made--that's why I ask questions.

Anyway, Cypress, I'll refer to my first two posts and I wish you well with your new life as a single mom. Hopefully, the man will realize how much harm the pleasure of drinking has cost him. Al-Anon might be something you would profit from.

Cypress,
Shoot Fire! I missed saying something else...There's a real good book you would profit from reading and it's probably in your library, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Cypress,

The decision is yours but here is what happened to me...

I met a man who I thought was the greatest thing since chocolate 5 years ago. I have 2 children (he doesn't have any) but he seemed to get along with them well. My son was 16 and didn't want me to marry him but I thought that he was being jealous because he had been in the past. We had always been very close. My daughter was 6 and enjoyed spending time with my new love. I never saw him treat them badly or say anything that was out of order.

After 12 years of being single, I chose to marry him, after a year dating. 3 months after the wedding, my son left home, REFUSES to even come to the house to visit because Husband is ALWAY rude to him and cut's me down for defending him. My daughter HATES him!! I can never leave her at home by herself in case he gets home before me. He scream and fights with her all the time. He sends her to her room within 5 minutes after she get off the school bus EVERY DAY.

My daughter is staying with one of my sister's for the summer and I am trying to get Husband to talk to me. He doesn't see a problem. He is the adult and man of the house and she needs to behave. Yes, she has developed a 'smart' mouth and voices her opinions more than an 11 year old should but IMO he needs to have some respect for her also. Children are people! their feeling can be hurt just like his. THey have a right to have their own opinion when ask a question.

All the monthly bills are in my name as I moved them over to our new home instead of paying another deposit. My ENTIRE pay check goes to pay for them and food. His paycheck is his ~ he says he works hard for his money and deserves to have some fun. Leaving is not a do-able option for me.

Your man may not do these things, YET!! That is the key word. If he is behaving in this manner now, just imagine what it will be like when he gets you to sign the license. Do you want your son to have to be by himself every evening, lonely in his room? Be scared to bring a problem to you or just discuss his day, because 'he' is home?

Just my 2 cents, Good luck

All the monthly bills are in my name as I moved them over to our new home instead of paying another deposit. My ENTIRE pay check goes to pay for them and food. His paycheck is his ~ he says he works hard for his money and deserves to have some fun. Leaving is not a do-able option for me.

Why does he get to make all the rules? Why can't you leave? You're getting nothing out of this arrangement. You're the sole support of the entire household, so there's no financial reason why you can't leave. What other possible reason is there to stay with this toxic person?

You have already lost 5 years of your life, your son, and soon, your daughter. Staying in this marriage is damaging you and your children severely.

Hi Cypress -

I hope you and your son are doing ok. I also hope that you've disconnected, for sure, from your fiance.

If you're wavering about it, please just reread your subject line: "My fiance is cruel to my son, I am considering leaving".

Your fiance is cruel to your son. 'Nuff said.

And by the way, from what you've described, you're not being too sensitive. You're responsible for raising your son into a healthy adulthood. Is this man who supposedly loves you contributing to that or derailing it?

Sounds to me like he is/was derailing it. Your little boy is in his "formative years". Remember - YOU said "My fiance is cruel to your son".

Hey - if my fiance were cruel to my CAT, that would say enough about his character to let me make the "I'm outa here" decision.

My best to you,

Suzieque

" Always putting your kids first is one decision for which you would NEVER be sorry."

"Always" putting your children first is a sure sign that they are being endulged. A family should spread its love, time and priorities. No one should be first all of the time. If they are the other family members will resent it and everyone will eventually pay the price. A family is just that - a family. Child centered families don't work. Adult centered families don't work. Family centered families work!