it must be painful for the mother that both kids want to live with dad, not her. It is hard to determine what is in the best interest of the kids. Unless the mother is abusive, I really feel for her. SO's kids would rather be with him than with mom because he never says "no" and is very lenient and is easily manipulated while BM is not that way. I wonder what is a true reason here? Kindergraden buddies cannot be a true reason. is it realy quality of school?

I have no idea what the referee would say, but if I were the referee I would be nervous about moving a 15 year old doing "great". I would be suggesting that whatever academic deficiencies in her school be compensated by a summer program where you live - maybe in a community college. I am not certain how a school can be deficient socially -- are you talking about violence, if so document document document. Get newspaper clippings etc.

I would also so that even though my daughter goes to a high performing high school, that the colleges will be just as receptive to students from lesser schools.

I would also say that as you describe the SD as an athlete and dancer, her active school is pretty busy (don't I know it -- DD on two varsity teams), and the parents that have her over the summer probably see her more. In short, be careful what you ask for, you may get it. Especially if DH takes vacation over the summer, and can see her more.

I would also think that the Kindergarden friends may really just be vacation time friends, and things may be different if she transfers schools --

As to the move her DH move, where my X works, a move may be "optional" but dont kid yourself, not taking it may mean not only giving up that promotion but the next one too. When I got divorced, I took a small cut in pay to take a job with a firm which only has offices where I live and is more family friendly. I know the move was unfortunate, and I sympathisize, but not certian what to do now.

I feel for her, too. I'm sure that it is painful for her, because I know it was painful for their father when she moved them 1000 miles away.

The true reasons here are what are above. We are actually fairly strict, so having a 'permissive" parent is not the issue. She really just wants to spend a few years with dad before she goes off to college. In NC, she has no other family outside of her mom & stepdad. She has grandparents, cousins, etc here. And, her best friends are an important thing for her. Not the most important, but important. And sadly, her current school is disastrous. We are sorry she had to spend even one year there.

So, although I feel bad for her feelings, she chose to move them so far from a very involved dad, knowing that this was a very real possibility. It's sad that parents sometimes do things that don't always have their children's best interest at heart.

I read a good quote recently:
You must love your children more than you hate your ex.

I am still confused -- how is present school disastrous? If that is part of reason -- show and document document document. Where I live public info re schools is avaiable. I would suspect a referee is going to listen to what a 15 year old wants, but I also suspect he is going to explain to her that if she spends school year with you then she is going to spend summers in NC.

I am also confused, if court allowed mom to keep custody in NC, why is hearing in Mich? Dont they transfer to NC?

A status conference is (in my experience and in my area) just a "conference" with the Judge to update him/her on the "status" of the case and how close the parties are in coming to an agreement. It sounds like in your area it is the same, but without the Judge.

I think it is impossible to tell you what questions will be asked because we don't know the other side. In these type of situations in my area one of the big questions asked/discussed is the one of the parents allowing the children to think they have the power to request the change. It is a big no-no as it has the ability to disrupt things in the custodial home (as it sounds from your post that it did.) So at the least, I'd expect Mom to bring that up.

I'm with KKNY about the two different states. Although Mom may not have had it transferred to NC, I wouldn't be surprised if it was petitioned as NC would have jusrisdiction now.

Generally, after kids are 12 the court lets them decide where they want to live. At my divorce/custody hearing my ex fought very hard to take everything from me. I was awarded all 3 children. Then he pursued it and got another judge. Told people he had the judge in his pocket (and he had very deep pockets). This judge was not very ethical and eventually lost the judgeship. But meanwhile he gave ex custody of the youngest who was 6 at the time and always wanted to live with me. The judge realized there was no use in saying my 13 year old DD had to stay with him because she hated him so much and wouldn't have stayed there regardless of what he said. Oldest DD was to the age that she could decide what she wanted. I went back to court many times to try to get my son and each time the judge wouldn't hear the case and said "I've already made up my mind". When my DS was 12 I filed again and got a different judge who immediately gave me custody. His dad got EOWE visitation. He never once got him. All he was doing was using him to try to get me to come back to him. My son is 33 now and hasn't spoken to him since he came to live with me. His dad would like to have something to do with him now but it's way too late.

So to answer your question, your SD SHOULD be able to choose where she lives BUT with judges you absolutely never know what they will do. I would think they would want to talk to her to be sure that's what she wants. I would have her there if at all possible. Otherwise they're not going to be sure it's what she wants. I think the fact that her brother lived with you for high school would make a big difference. Good luck.

I believe the reason for UCCJEA is to keep one parent from filing a new case in another state/jurisdiction. Once a case is open in one place, it is usually heard in that place. The venue is usually based on where the child is living at the time it's first filed. If mom & dad filed their case in MI and then mom moved to NC, that may be the reason it's still in MI. She would probably have to file a change of venue to get it heard in NC. I say usually and probably because all states vary in their laws.

In CA, it's mandatory to attend mediation, which sounds like the status conference. A mediator or referee as you call it, is usually a trained counselor that sits in while the parents discuss what to do and try to come to an agreement. It's not a trial and in CA, the mediator will usually write a recommendation if the parties don't agree. Unless the parties object to the recommendation, the court usually adopts it and makes that the order. If they object to it, then the case goes to trial.

nicksmom, your husband should focus on his daughter and his position of why he feels it's best for her to move with him. He should not criticize her mother or her current school or living situation. It doesn't sound like he's doing that but some parents think that these meetings are a time/place to do that and if there's any of that, the trial is the place for it. The courts tend to like to see the parents agree because it's best for kids when the parents are working together to make decisions for them, not the courts forcing parents to do things.

I think your husband has a good chance of getting his daughter to live with him since she is going into high school and has valid reasons. Most kids don't want to move to a new high school once they start because they leave their friends. But if she is voicing that she wants to move, then I'd listen to her. Maybe there is something she wants to get away from or like you say, wants to make up for lost time with dad before she is all grown up. If it's because he's more lenient, like FD says, then it's not a good thing. I'd beware that she may get there and find that it's not all she cracked it up to be and then wants to go back. Teenagers do that and in my opinion, that's the worse thing you can do is allow them to bounce back and forth. I'd let her move and if she goes back, don't fight it. She may just need to see what it's like. Just my 2 cents.

kkny-

Thanks for the reply. Apparently, since the divorce and original custody were in Michigan, Michigan retains jurisdiction since one party still resides here. The Michigan court can choose to let NC to accept responsibility, but from what I understand, they usually do not. Of interest, everything that has happened since the divorce, and her move to NC, has occured under Michigan court. The many times she has requested increased child support, the change of custody of stepson 4 years ago, etc. NC courts have never been involved.

As for her school...although it is in a relatively affluent area, with a typical ethnic and socio-economic mix, it has struggled for many years. Even if you don't like or agree with No Child Left Behind, it is law. Her school has repeatedly failed to meet Adequate Yearly Progress, as mandated by NCLB for 4 of the past 6 years, including last year. They have a lot of "gang" type activity/fights. This year they instituted a mandatory dress code/uniform policy "in an effort to raise test scores" and "diminish the behavior problems" in the school. Dad discussed these concerns with Mom last year and even before that, but still she chose to place her in that school. And since the school is "failing", per NCLB, parents can choose to have their child bussed to another school in the district. But that didn't happen.

Our intent is not to keep the kids from their mother. Of course she would spend summers there. Stepson is 18, and decided not to spend this summer there, as this is his last summer to spend with his buddies, since they all head off for college this fall. Step-daughter will spend not only summers in NC, but long weekends every 1-2 months, and holidays, as we have done for the past 10 years. Just flip-flopped.

We were told that the daughter should NOT be there. The whole purpose is to have the adults come to an agreement with the referee, without involving a judge, and involving the kids as little as possible. However, since she will be in NC, we don't know what Mom will do.

Thanks again for your replies.

I think if I were the mom, I would be concerned as SS "decided" not to spend summer with mom. If I were her, I would bring that up. I think you need to be able to address what happened with SS and how you will be prepared to deal with SD. Teens are never easy. I think unfortuntely there is a fine line between "not wanting to keep the kids from their mother" and letting them decide not to go there.

At the risk of getting flamed on this, you indicate that CS has been an issue in the past. Again, there is a fine line between compromise and bribery, but DH may want to indicate he would negotiate some amount (for the summer months etc., agree to put some $$ in college fund ,or somthing), Just a thought.

KK, at age 18, SS is no longer subject to where a custody agreement said he should spend his summers in the past. So, I think it would be pointless for BM to bring that up in the meeting. He's a legal adult and can choose where to spend his summers.

Anyhow, Nicksmom, I think it's great that DH's DD wants to come and live with you guys and that you are receptive to it. Like other posters, I think it's important to be clear about how things will be BEFORE she makes the decision, so she doesn't flip-flop back and forth if she realizes "oh, Dad and SM do have rules and expectations for me."
I also can understand that BM might not want "her little girl" to move away too. It's got to be hard on her to "lose" her kids (which is probably how it feels).

I don't know how your meeting will go, but I just want to say good luck, keep a cool head, and try to keep SD's interests at the forefront.

This seems like a case where BM would be better off letting daughter go and maintaining good communication and visitation. If BM fights the daughter and wins with the judge she may very well loose in the end.

Thanks for all the replies!

imamommy-
My DH is superb at keeping the kids best interest at the forefront of all of his/our decision. He never criticizes their mother. He has no intentions of belittling or anything of the sort. That's just not his personality. His sole focus is on what is best for his daughter.

kkny-
Stepson is 18. He could choose to live in Iraq at this point. We've encouraged him to try and spend some time with his mom before starting college. He plans on going for a week or two in August. He just started a job here, and is looking forward to making some $$$ before college, and spending time with his buddies this summer. We assumed that he would be spending this summer in NC, and were surprised when he said he planned on staying here.

ceph-
She knows very well what's expected here. She's spent every summer and long breaks here for 10 years. The rules don't change. We're actually fairly strict, by today's standards. Nothing new for her here. And, like you, I can try and understand how Mom feels. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. I just wish she'd never moved away, then all of this heartache (hers and the kids for these past years) could've been avoided.

when DD lived with me majority of the year, she could barely wait for summer and Christmas break to go to her dad. i cannot imagine her not wanting to go and be with dad and I cannot even imagine how heart broken would her dad be. But it usually is even harder for a woman.

DD is 20 and is way to college very far and I cry almost every day. I do miss seeing her more often. I cannot iamgine how this mother feels that her 15-year-old daughter is going to go away. I wonder if it is enough that one kid lives with dad. it feels like mom is punished now because she moved away.

eandhl,

That is where I disagree. BM has a right to make decisions on her basis of what is in the best interests of her daughter. BM in this situation doesn't appear to be vindicative or have an ulterior motive for this, we just don't know her reasons.

In turn, and this is why I said this up thread, DH should not have discussed this intensively with SD. When SD brought it up, he could've heard her out then said he'll talk to BM. When BM had nothing doing with it, he could've then started court action but any discussion with SD about Mom's reactions (guilt trips or what is perceived to be) should not have occured. Obviously some discussions incurred between DH and SD about BM. The most that should've been said "Court is going to decide" and that is IT. IMO.

Otherwise, DH is setting up SD for a potential downfall if the courts do not decide in his favor. As he is the one who started the court action (as is his right) as it is BM's right to fight it, but it is neither of their rights to discuss it with the child.

IMHO, of course.

This is purely speculative, but what was the cs arrangements when SS moved in with DH? I am assuming that neither parent paid CS after this.

Now, that SS is 18 -- if SD is able to move to DH's -- CS will be a factor. May be a reason why BM is fighting this. If it is important enough, DH can try to work something out with her.

finedreams-

I have no doubts that this is very difficult for her mom. I really can't imagine. And this is in no way punishment (but I'm sure it might feel that way to Mom). This really shouldn't be about Mom or Dad "winning". It should be about the kid/kids and what's best for them. And should daughter stay just so Mom's feelings are not hurt? When, even SD seems to understand what's best for her (ie. school, family contact, etc.) And is it so unrealistic to think that either child wouldn't want to live some of their school years with their very involved dad?

eandhl,
My husband is painfully aware that he "blew it" with discussing it with daughter. It was not a malicious move on his part, though. She came to him to discuss it. He encouraged her to be honest with her mom. He tried to discuss it with mom, and she really didn't believe it. She said she "needed to hear it straight from her daughter". Hindsight is always 20/20, though, isn't it?

You must love your kids more than you hate your ex! And make your decisions with that in mind!

nicksmom, I didn't say anything about your DH discussing it with his DD. I also do not have an EX. I read this forum because I have a divorced daughter and see how our grandson reacts to his dads GF's, live in &/or dating & GS may end up in a step family someday. I just feel a parent would consider the childs wishes. If her brother had not done great and didn't graduate, I would probably feel differently. Trying to hang on to her DD for herself could very well backfire. Letting her go with love she will not loose her.

then maybe if SD does end up with you she should be encouraged to spend summers with mom and also other holidays and also call often. no, she should not stay to protect her mom's feelings but she should make sure she stays connect. i think dad and you can help with that

eandhl,
My reply was supposed to be in to gigglemonster. Although, I still maintain that he knows now that he should have just kept it between the adults. Anyways, thanks for your replies and I agree...you can win the battle, but lose the war...or however that goes.

gigglemonster, see my post (actually meant as reply to you) to eandhl re: husband "blew it". Actually, when ex moved w/kids to NC, husband paid CS as ordered by Michigan CS calculator plus 25% of flights plus 50% of all medical/dental not covered by Mom's insurance. It remained that way until SS moved here 4 years ago. At that time, CS was eliminated and we paid for SS's travel/extracurricualrs and they paid for SD's.

finedreams,
When the kids were moved to NC, the agreement was summer vacations here, 1/2 of Christmas break, every other Spring break and long weekends every month. With the exception of the the monthly visits, that how it went. The monthly visits usually ended up being every 6-8 weeks. Since SS moved here, we've he's gone to NC for summers, SD has come here. There is always a little overlap, so they see each other. Also, their spring breaks never coincide, so they get time together then, and we always planned visits on opposing weekends.

If SD is allowed to move here, we would continue with the same plan. All of our kids (except the 5yo) have cell phones, and have access to computer and house phone any time. We remind them about birthdays, special dates etc to call their mom. Of course, that will continue. We have always provided her with login info for SS's school stuff (grades/attendance) as well as sports schedules so she can attend when convenient. That will continue.

My husband has come up with an alternative to tradiditonal CS. It involves her paying for all flights and I think he said 1/2 of extracurriculars (but maybe not...maybe just the flights...I don't remember now.)

nicksmom, that is what I was wondering: after DH took SS. Because one way or the other, someone is going to start paying CS since SS turned 18. Although, it doesn't have to be that way, it is just often a factor and will probably be brought up as well.

DH's agreement for the mod. CS sounds reasonable, but it sounds like BM is having nothing doing with negotiating at this point.

It is good that DH realizes his mistake now, I would prepare to explain why he did it though and also stop any discussions with SD immediately.

Good luck.

giggle-

Thanks for the words of wisdom. His attorney advises that we just use the Michigan calculator for CS, although in his original draft of the proposed parenting time for Mom, he made the other offer. Whatever. It really matters not to him if she pays CS at all.

The last discussion with SD (several months ago) about coming here went something like this: "Honey, I fully understand what your wishes are, and why it is important to you. This is an adult decision, and your mom and I will work it out. We both want what is best for you."

How's that?

Let me say that none of the conversations have EVER been initiated by him/us. In the past, when she brought it up, we would talk about it in general terms, and encouraged her to maintain open communication with Mom. It was never ugly or spiteful in any way. Always calm, quiet and mostly letting her just share her feelings/wishes. Really very little two-way discussion...mostly just monologue on her part...thinking out loud, kind of.

Hey Nicksmom, personally I'd just encourage her to be happy and try to keep the tone of "it is what it is" for right now. And try not to engage in any conversation about it otherwise. ~Only~ because it does have the potential to somewhat encourage any expectations SD may have. SS being able to move so easily rather complicates things. It is hard to say b/c it really is 50/50 walking into court.

It sounds like you and Hubby give a lot of credence to her feelings and thoughts, which is absolutely wonderful. I just know in my experience that in these type of situations it backfires quite a bit. In some ways it is very common sense for a father or parent to talk it out with their children, but the law is not so common sense at times.

Another thing I've noticed with a lot of family law lawyers: they use the method to ask for more than to compromise when it becomes obvious the case is going in front of the Judge to decide. That way, they may not get the $1200 they are asking for but they will $900 which is what the client wanted anyway. Sometimes it is needed, but other times it may drive the other parent to fight harder. It sounds like your lawyer is doing the right thing for your situation though.

giggle-
Thanks again for the reply. Just found out tonight that Mom will be present for the Status Conference. Originally, we thought she would be there via tele-conference, which is allowable with out-of-state parties. However, SS just mentioned to me that she will be staying here in town until next Wednesday, which is the day of the meeting. She will arrive tomorrow (with SD..yeah!!) for SS's graduation from high school.

I'm curious what others here think about something. What is the general feeling of others being present for these types of meetings? I was planning on being there. However, on another forum (a bit hostile for my taste, though) I was SLAMMED for even considering being in the same building. I would think that if it were important, or just a no-no, his attorney would tell him. But, nothing has been mentioned. He will ask the atty again tomorros, but I'm curious what anyone here has experienced.

Thanks again, ladies...

I was in the court room for each of the custody hearings when my DH first got emergency custody and each subsequent appearance. Partially because I was a witness, but completely because DH wanted me there, and I wanted to support him. I did not sit at the table with he and his atty., but rather sat in the row behind so they could confer with me.

I think it's totally up to your DH and his atty. If the atty. feels it would be positive for you to attend, then by all means, do.

Here's my two cents...I'm a SM myself to a wonderful little boy.

Step family issues aside, you may want to approach the status conference as you would when you negotiate any type of deal. You are essentially trying to get the other side to see it your way. Why do you think that when you go to buy a car, the salespeople are trying to schmooze you by offering you coffee and drinks. They know that if you are comfortable, then you will more likely "play" with them.

You guys need to approach mom the same way. Take out any factors that could make mom uncomfortable. You haven't made it clear yet, but even if you have a decent relationship with mom, she may feel disadvantaged by having you present which may make her less likely to "negotiate."

So again, just my two cents. I hope you don't feel slammed. Believe me, I understand the desire to want to attend things like this, especially something as siginificant as this, we want to support our husbands. I actually have a pretty decent relationship with step sons mom, we're friendly towards each other and talk about very superficial stuff. However, sometimes I've had to make the choice to purposely stay away from situations where dad and mom can have a disagreement. Dad knows I support him fully and most times he seeks my advice about a situation with SS or mom. I just don't believe that I need to flaunt (or whatever word you want to use) my support for him in mom's face, so he handles all these situations alone - while I am eagerly waiting for his call to see how things went!

Anyway I hope you come back and let us know how it went. I am very interested to see how this goes. Congrats on SS graduating! I imagine there is probably a flurry of activity going on in your house right now, just try to stay focused on the exciting stuff!

Thanks justnot and starr-

Both of your points of view are valid. I'd like to be there, but now that you put it that way, starr, I'm reconsidering. My concern is that DH will forget all of the important facts that got us to this point. Maybe I'll have to make notes for him to have there, if I will not be present. I don't want to do anything that will make her less likely to negotiate, and can see that if she chose to look at it as "2 against 1", that might happen.

I don't know if stepdad will be there, but I doubt it. However, if he were present, I would definitely go, as I think she would feel like everything was "balanced" or fair.

Thanks again for the very thoughtful and helpful replies.

Starr makes a valid point, and one I didn't consider as bio mom had her BF there so it was 'balanced.' She is also one who gets very defensive if it's 2 vs. 1, and I agree your presence could feel like an attack.

I had to laugh at this comment "My concern is that DH will forget all of the important facts that got us to this point. Maybe I'll have to make notes for him to have there, if I will not be present." because it's EXACTLY how I felt. Though DH knew all that had transpired his 'comebacks,' if you will, were not that quick. I, on the other hand, could quote days and times that mom said the sky was green if she argued she never had. Because "our" Bio-mom is known to fabricate things on the spot I was fearful that he wouldn't recall what was needed to prove that until it was too late. One might say I have a few OCD issues. :-)

It may seem like you are controlling to some, but running over dates and conversations with DH is not a bad idea. Even if you are there you don't want to be the one seen as driving the custody change boat, so make sure DH is just as ready to drive as you are!

It sounds like the three of us are all cut from the same cloth. I can remember all the little details at a whims notice. In my imaginary world, I would love to go to bat against mom on some of her antics. In the real world, I know that nothing good would result of that. SS would suffer the ultimate consequence if his mom and step mom were at constant odds with each other. In the long run, having a decent but fragile realtionship with mom is better than having an adversarial one with her.

Just a suggestion if you do decide to not go. This is just "been there, done that" sort of advice. Sit down with hubby and have him write down the notes. I came up with notes for him once and when the time came for him to recite my notes, he was confused by some of my shorthand and I think missed a few key points. Lesson learned for next time - have him write it down so that he may be able to remember what the train of thought was when he actually wrote the note down.

Great thoughts...thanks.

I will be seeing his charming and gracious ex in a few hours...lucky me. They are flying in for SS's graduation, and I will likely be picking up SD at the airport. Unless I make my no-so-DH take time off work to do it himself, since he was a real PITA last night and this morning...grrr.

Anyways, thanks again!

I've went thru a similar situation with my youngest daughter. The difference was, her dad wanted her and petitioned the courts to remove her from my custody. (Daughter wanted to stay with me.) While he didn't win, it was very clear that the wants and needs of a child in high school are weighed very heavily by the courts. If your SD wants to live with you and dad, then the courts will likely grant the petition for change in custody. Mom can fight it all she wants, but she will be the loser in all of it. SD will resent her for not understanding and will harbor some anger. Best thing to do for mom, is to agree to it and keep in close contact with daughter. She will then be seen by daughter as the most caring and loving mom.

mother2008-
I'm curious what state you are in. I've heard that the degree of how much weight they put in the child's wishes, varies quite a bit from state to state. I'd be interested to know how Michigan tends to look at these things, with a mature 15 year old.

Anyone?

"The reasonable preference of the child, if the court considers the child to be of sufficient age to
express preference."
That's it.

Sorry, missed part:

Children Deciding Where They Want to Live
Factor (i) of the Child Custody Act, states, "the reasonable preference of the child, if the court considers
the child to be of sufficient age to express preference."8 The mere expression of a childs preference is
only one consideration. The judge must determine if the child is of an age and maturity to indicate
"reasonable preference." "Reasonable" is not always easy to determine. Some of the aspects the judge
may consider when deciding reasonable are:
AGE OF THE CHILD: As children grow older, they generally have a greater understanding of the circumstances
surrounding the court proceedings. Judges will allow children to express a preference. However,
children cannot legally choose where to live until they have reached the age of 18 or are determined to be
emancipated.
CONSISTENCY OVER TIME: Judges will look to see if the children have had a history of expressing a
reasonable preference. Judges would consider whether the childÂs preference was based on the fact the
child just recently spent an extended period of time with either the mother or father.
Does the child understand the choice that he or she is making.

It all seems pretty arbitrary to me. Depends on the Judge's opinion and bias for or against Moms or Dads. It is also only ONE factor.

mrsmaddog-
That sounds WAY too easy. Is that specific to Michigan, too? If so, dare I breathe a sigh of relief?

Status conference is Wednesday, but we were instructed that only Mom, Dad and their attorneys are to attend. Stepdad isn't going, and neither am I. Specifically, we were told SD is not to be involved. The whole point of this status conference, if I understand correctly, is to resolve the issue without involving the judge/court docket and without involving the child in the legal proceedings.

So, if what you posted is per Michigan law, SD and the rest of the people in THIS household will be pretty happy. Getting Mom to budge/negotiate is going to be a big job, though. If she doesn't agree, then I think a hearing/trial is scheduled. Is that right?

Nicksmom- Yes, this is from Michigan Guidelines.

I don't think it is EASY at all. I totally leaves the decision up to the judge's opinion as to what is "reasonable." It also is only one factor that the judge weighs. Some judges may NOT feel it is reasonable for a child to change custody as they enter HS. Some judges assume the NCP has somehow wooed the child into choosing the custody change. It does happen, when the NCP is viewed as the "fun" parent, and the CP as the "rules" parent. I would hope that at 15 your SD knows and speaks her own mind.I have heard of judges interviewing the kids in private, with only attorneys present, to get the REAL answer out of the child without the child feeling pressured or guilty for choosing one over the other.
Here's the whole guideline-pdf file.

http://courts.michigan.gov/scao/resources/publications/manuals/focb/custodyguideline.pdf
Do you worry about SD feeling guilty if she tells the judge she wants to move? Does SD have realistic expectations of what living there full time will be? Will BM have a meltdown, and upset SD? SD must be made aware that judges frown on switching back and forth, so she must really be sure. Hopefully the judge will address these issues.
Good luck, I hope the judge does what is best for your SD.

Nicksmom, I think in your case the distance will also be a factor. Just FYI.

giggle-

As far as what? The distance has been the same for 10 years, and the kids have been flying back & forth the entire time. One would think it would have been a factor with the initial move...but no.

Yes, but SD has lived with Mom in that area for 10 years. She has flown to see you guys, but has physically lived in the other state.

It was a factor in the initial move, it was considered better for SD to go that far away with Mom. Big difference from not being considered.

giggle,
How big of an issue is this in Michigan?

Yes, you're right...it WAS considered in the initial move. I guess that's just a sad commentary on our legal system.

Hey NM, I don't know anything specifically about Michigan. In my area, it is weighed about the same amount as anything else considered in change of custody. However, as Mrsmaddog stated a lot of what happens is going to be contigent on the Judge and his/her views on the situation.

I'm curious if there's a way to find out how a specific judge (or referee) generally rules in cases. I've found only one thing about the judge on our case, and it was not positive. There is a lot of info out there discussing judicial bias/personal views.

Anyone know if there's a searchable database of family court rulings? Something where you can search by the name of the judge? I've found a couple, but none of them were for family law.

Although it would be nice if Mom & Dad could reach an agreement this week with the referee, I have my doubts that it will happen. I actually wonder if SD would rather be able to tell the judge herself exactly what she wants. I think she feels it would be easier to tell a stranger than continually discuss her wishes with her mom. SD is not wavering at all about her wishes. No big discussions, but she certainly feels free to discuss her feeling/fears/wishes.

Thanks again for all of your great feedback...it's given me alot of food for thought and I've shared your wisdom with DH.

I thought all custody cases are sealed. Is this only where I live? I thought the idea was to protect the children.

If the judge had showed bias in the past, I would have thought there would have been complaints. My guess is this is very difficult to prove, and where I live it is very hard to find out info on unproven complaints.

Where I live, my understanding is that Judge will only speak to child alone where child has reprsentation (eg GAL). I could be wrong, and my guess is different everywhere. In any event, this is just a status meeting. If I were the mom, and I wanted to keep custody, I would insist on evaluations, GAL, etc. All this takes time. Time is on the mothers side.

Even if child says she wants to move, my guess is judge is going to be a little nervous about moving child from school where she is doing well. He certainly wont want to see another hearing a year from now with child with Cs and Ds from Michigan school.

If I were dad wanting custody, as difficult as it is, I would concentrate on what I can control. I would have a writtten plan in place as to child seeing mom over summers etc. I would try to reach some compromise re CS. I would consider presenting to her before everyone goes to referee. The referee can not make anyone compromise. He/she can only tell each party the weaknesses of their case, and suggest they compromise. The problem is mom may feel that she can not receive less than what dad is asking for, and that there no point in not dragging out proceedings.

Nicksmom-
Each factor is given a "value" or points. I cannot tell you which gets how much weight, but I do know that they are not all equal. The ones that stand out in my mind are:

"(a) The love, affection, and other emotional ties existing between the parties involved and the child.
(b) The capacity and disposition of the parties involved to give the child love, affection, and guidance
and the continuation of the education and raising of the child in his or her religion or creed, if any.
(c) The capacity and disposition of the parties involved to provide the child with food, clothing, medical
care, or other remedial care recognized and permitted under the laws of this state in place of medical
care, and other material needs.
(d) The length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment, and the desirability of
maintaining continuity.
(e) The permanence, as a family unit, of the existing or proposed custodial home or homes."
*********************************
Even when weighed against the factor of child's preference, BM may retain custody.
I hate to sound like a pessimist, but sometimes judges have the attitude of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
I hope for your sake I am wrong.

How nice it would be if Mom & Dad could reach an agreement this week with the referee. It would set such a good example of caring parents for your SD. She wouldn't be stressed or feel she is choosing. Good luck with this situation.

eandhl,

Yes, how nice it would be. DH and I were just discussing this. Since she's here in town, I think DH should call her and see if she will sit down with him and try and reach an agreement. He agrees, but doubts she will. Nevertheless, I think he'll try.

Thanks for the well-wishes.

I don't see how there could be a compromise in this situation. Either the girl goes to school where she lives now, or in Michigan. I can't imagine that alternating years would be a good idea. The only possible compromise I could imagine would be waiting until her junior year to move to Michigan.

TOS,
Yeah...either she agrees to let her come here, or we go to court.

BUT...see my newest post (new thread), entitled OMG! UPDATE! UPDATE!