I guess I have a different view of these type of situations as BM has no parental rights, in fact, she's not even allowed to pick the kids up from school so we don't really have an 'all parties' situation.

It doesn't have to be confrontational but the school should follow the decree especially if its been communicated to them on more than one occasion, if they violate it, they are at fault. Just like if SS's school were to release the kids to BM they would be at fault as they have a copy of the decree.

In your case Sieryn, the situation is completely different since one of the parents does NOT have full legal rights and cannot be relied upon to act responsibly. In your case, you are absolutely right to insist the school know and follow the terms of the custody order.

Honestly, you need to tell your dh's ex not to sign the permission slip. Teachers deal with 20-30 students per class, it is hard to remember minor details like who should sign the permission slip. Are there instances where you really would object to letting your skid participate in a field trip or school activity? Maybe put it on the child to give your dh all permission slips. But do not put this on the teachers.

I understand that there are obviously some BM's on here that have some very strong feelings against SM's... but how in the world can you say that a custodial SM who is the primary caregiver for a child should not be involved? That is ridiculous! So, even though a child lives 90% of the time in a home, the SM is the one who gets the child up and dressed, on the bus or dropped off at school, picks them up, sits and does their homework with them, maybe volunteers at their school, goes on field trips, attends every concert, every game, etc. while DH is working a full-time job, BM either isn't in the picture at all or only when it suits her... or even just very part-time-- You are still saying that SM should not have any rights to parent/teacher conferences or anything else pertaining to the child???

I really think some of the BM's on this site are out of line in their thinking and being self-centered! Isn't it an advantage to have all of the parents that are raising the child on the same page with information, updates, goals, etc. for the child?

Whether you want to believe it or not, the majority of SM's whether they are custodial or noncustodial, are a big part of raising your children! I am both a BM and a SM, and even though my children do not have a SM, I honestly cannot see myself having an issue with a SM that would care enough to want to be involved in my children's education.

Because the SM is a legal stranger. It is interesting that in your example you imply that the NC biological parent plays only a small part in raising the child, yet you claim that the majority of wives of NC fathers play a big part.

Are you saying your husband's daughter is only with her mother 36 days a year? EOW would be 26 weekends, or 52 days, a year, and then you add in holidays and a couple of weeks of vacation, and that's about 72 days a year, or about 20%. I thought you said that your stepdaughter spent more than 2 weeks in the summer with her. Even NCP's who live far away from their children and get 6 weeks visitation spend 42 days with their children, which is more than 10% of the year.

Unless you have adopted your stepchild, he or she already HAS two parents. You said in another post that you wrote the proposed change in the visitation schedule - I think there is a good chance that the girl's mother knew YOU wrote it, not the girl's father. My exH's wife is fond of writing emails, etc., while pretending to be him, and of course that is obvious, since she writes like the Ivy League liberal arts major she was, and my exH does not. She has got him convinced that he is incompetent when it comes to the kids or pretty much anything else, but he is not. Any decisions made about the kids are between him and me ONLY.

We see a fair number of posts by young women who have hitched up with men who seem to be using them primarily as inexpensive child care providers. I wonder if any of the somewhat older (as in 30+) stepmothers on this board have ever wondered if that played a role in their husband's choosing to marry them as well.

TOS - marriages (even second ones) are a partnership, it is not uncommon for all couples to discuss issues (especially pertaining to children residing in their home) together. Which usually will mean SM has input, especially if she will be doing any of the driving,planning,etc involved.

"We see a fair number of posts by young women who have hitched up with men who seem to be using them primarily as inexpensive child care providers."

Actually in my case, the fact that he had children delayed our cohabitation and engagement as he wanted everyone to get to know each other and make sure they liked me enough to live with me. I highly doubt most men just remarry to have a babysitter. When I first got together with DH I read several books on Men and divorce and most of them described men as having a completely different approach and take on 'territorial' and 'home' issues in a second marriage than women do. Which I completely believe to be true. My husband defers to me on many domestic issues, not because he isn't stepping up to the plate, but because I'm the lady of the house.

Sieryn,

In the over 90% of divorces where the Mother does not have full or joint custody, the SM HAS NO RIGHTS. SM can talk to Dad all she wants. I understand your situation is different, but to imply that your ability to have input is common is doing a disservice to most other Stepmoms, who will be encouraged, like the OP, to make a situation more confrontational, which can backfire. The typical SM may be the lady of the house (which can belong to Dad, SM, or a combination, or can be gifted). Rights to the house or car can be transferred. Rights to the child can not. It sounds to me that the OP's stepchild's mother is reasonable, not complaining about SM talking to teacher, etc. It sounds to me that OP is the one who is territorial and should back off.

In the over 90% of divorces where the Mother does not have full or joint custody, the SM HAS NO RIGHTS.

I'm not saying she does have legal rights, but to expect SM to have no influence on what DH thinks is unrealistic. BM can say every decision is between DH and me only but SM will always have an ear on DH's opinion. Thats all I'm trying to point out.

I have no problem with the father talking to the SM about logistical issues - letting her know when the kids are coming, etc. The SM should have NO input into things like where the kids go to school, who their doctor is, whether they get braces, what courses they take, etc. Those are decisions that are between the parents, and the stepparents should stay out of it.

I have been divorced for, let's see, 16 years and during all these years any decisions made about our daughter were made between me and her dad.

With all respect for her step-mother, who is a fine woman, she never made any decisions and I just don't see why would she? She would make a decision what's for dinner when my daughter is there, but ceratinly nothing related to education!

Why would any Bio parents want anyone to interfer in decisions that pertain to education. It is way too important! Now if BM is not that involved then dad has to make decisions, sign papers etc. Unless people adopt their Step children they can't and shouldn't replace parents. Now if a parent passed away, then it would be different.

The only issue I would have with this is .... if the child needed to bring something for the event and I didn't know they were in need of it because I didn't see the slip.

Lunch, special shoes, what ever they might "need".

Pick your battles ... if this is a "major one" you are facing ... lucky you!!..

I know my experience is not the norm, but I've come to welcome my son's SM's participation in his major life decisions because her I consider her parental judgement much better than my Ex's. And since he did pretty much delegate parental responsibilities to her ("replacement mother"), he listens to her advice and will rarely attempt to override the two of us.

Of course, that only works when the BM and SM are both rational and civil...

"The SM should have NO input into things like where the kids go to school, who their doctor is, whether they get braces, what courses they take, etc. Those are decisions that are between the parents, and the stepparents should stay out of it."

I'm going to be flayed for this but I've had a hand in every one of these things. Although their mother likes to criticize me, she has never vocalized ANY issue with my participation in her children's lives.

You couldnt be more wrong

Education - Dh and I found the school that kids currently go to I am the one who said they needed a new school in the first place. I am also the one who sought out and found tutoring and have (together with DH) set up numerous conferences and volunteer regularly at the school.

Health care- the children are on my insurance. I not only make sure they have dentist appointments and doctors appts set up on the regular but I am also the one who said it was time to set some money aside for braces so he would be able to get past the whole braces thing hopefully before high school. I also picked the doctors and dentists.

finances for the kids - I and I alone set up an account for the kids to set money aside for them for when they are older... it is in my name only so that in no way can anyone else have any access to it. I regularly put aside money for their education if that is what they so choose or a nice start after they graduate.

and my husband does not just let me know what is going on he asks for my opinion and suggestions... My husband and I are a complete partnership.. when a subject comes up between mom and dad like when should we have the bday party ...or should son be enrolled in satureday school the response is let me talk to wife and Ill get back to you...or a just plain Ill get back to you.. we discuss everything in our lives from the kids to finances to whats for dinner for the week. There are to many complications and to many things that run against a blended family; if we were not on the same page or we didnt or werent able to talk the way we do we wouldnt survive.

Momof4,

It is always for either mom or dad to say, I'll get back to you in non-emergency situations. Its fine for you to share financial burdens with Dad.

If you also have biological children at school, fine for you to volunteer.

Its also fine where mom and dad can agree on things.

But in any situation where, like 90+% of divorces, mom has at least joint custody, if teachers or other discuss confidential information with you, and she complains my guess is they will stop.

And my guess is the OP is opening up a can of worms with a mom who has up to this point been reasonable.

FYI: Anyone can volunteer at any school at any time with or without having children attending and NO ONE can say anything about it... all you need is a backround check

And, mom doesnt necessarily agree... but she is also to lazy to get up and do anything about it. Like visit the school and give her opinion when we were looking for a new school for the kids.

And yes, I do agree that op is opening up an unneeded can of worms. It is almost ludacris to expect a teacher with 20+ students to keep track of a childs back and forth custody arrangement. Especially with 50/50 and I dont fully understand what the big deal is anyways. If the permission slip was signed and she got to go then all is good. Should op have known about it ahead of time? Yes. But, that is where Sweeby's suggestions comes in. It is much more realistic that the teacher just automatically makes an extra copy and sticks one in dads folder and one in moms folder so both have access to all important info at all times. And honestly, I have never heard of nor does it make any sense that mom wouldnt be allowed to sign the permission slip because field trip landed on a tuesday which was dads day. (or maybe I am just misunderstanding that and she is not supposed to sign at all) As KKNY asked what would have happened if field trip got moved to another day and it was moms day. This just doesnt seem like that big of a deal to me. Now, if this is just an example of a bigger issue say.. dad not being notified or included then I would have conference with principal and teacher and discuss the mom folder dad folder idea to make things easier... and in my experiance of working with school and teachers on a regular basis (as in all day every day)... teachers have such a mass quantity of paperwork above and beyond just trying to teach and grade papers that the note sent home was probably more of a oversight as she was going through her paperwork making sure she had a signed permission slip for each kid. I would only take issue after I talked to teacher again and asked what happened. It is a very real possibility that the teacher would quickly realize her mistake and correct it.

Another easy way to fix would be an agenda. All of my kids have one that has to be signed by parents each night... even if school doesnt have one you could get one for her and right on each day DAD MOM that way the teacher knows and is able to write notes on the agenda itself that both parents are able to see and respond to. I absolutely LOVE the agendas for our kids for school. It makes it up to each parent to check the agenda ... so if for example BM tries to say she had no idea there was a conference scheduled or a dance or something... the only response is Well, did you check the agenda? It is in there.

"Anyone can volunteer at any school at any time with or without having children attending and NO ONE can say anything about it... all you need is a backround check"

The school or youth groups/sports doesn't have to accept anyone as a volunteer. I know when my daughter was in soccer, her coach turned down a prospective volunteer because he didn't have any kids, and he was suspicious of his motivation. Maybe he just liked soccer, but maybe not..

I agree that notices should be sent home to both parents, and in cases of 50/50 custody there would be no way teachers could keep track of which parent was supposed to sign.

Theotherside:
The court order does not specify requirements for permission slips. This is a stipulation we have enforced due to prior issues. We do not swap days at all. We strictly follow the court order.

Wimom:
I think you will need to go straight to the principal on this and make it very clear that she is NOT to sign papers, and if she does it will not be valid until your DH has the final word.

Exactly. Her daycare through the school that my husband and I contracted for his daughter on our days understand that the BM is not allowed to pick her up or cancel days. The BM told my SDÂs teacher that she would not be going to daycare on a certain day and her daycare called me immediately. I have looked into the volunteering it is a possibility.

Sieryn:
Lucky you. We have not any luck with both schools. I agree on the legal liability part.

Finedreams:
Well, I make it pretty easy when they have the CO and I have explained it to her. It is no different than remembering which kids are walkers and which take the bus.

The teacher does not need to worry about sending what papers to whom. My husband and I have requested that ALL copies of paperwork are mailed to us. So if we do not have my SD on a certain day I know I can stay on top of what is going on. Just within the last couple weeks we have not been getting our copies. This is why I did not receive the permission slip. I wish it was that easy. To just contact the BM. She knows better. But there is no rationalizing with her. I work in a school. I have to stay on top of which bus they ride, who to call on their emergency contact list etc. So yes, I CAN imagine.

Kkny:

Yes, as I would think the teacher would be informing all of the parents in the class about the postponement. Therefore, a new permission slip would need to be signed by the parent responsible for the child that day.

Kathline:
both parents have the right to grant permission.

I disagree. When a certain parent is responsible for the child on a particular day they are the only ones allowed to give permission. This is just common sense.

Thanks everyone for the great responses! I canÂt keep up with all of them. I wanted to add my reply to everyone but I only got so farÂ.

KKNY:

"And If I found out my X brough another woman to a school meeting, you bet I would be on the phone to the principal the next day".
I hope I am reading this wrong.
Surely, you are not this stupid.

When the BM was complaining about my Husband and I attending activities involving our SD the judge laughed in her face. We have every right to be involved in her schooling and activites just like she brings her husband to events important to the SD.

Cawfe:
This is one of my points. To answer a question that I saw. Yes, we are fine with her going on activites. We need to know and expect that SD will be where we drop her off at. What if there was an emergency or we had scheduled an appointment for that day? BM can't just go around making decisions that she doesn't have a right to make.

KKNY
"And my guess is the OP is opening up a can of worms with a mom who has up to this point been reasonable"

Lol. I really hope you are not referring to me because we have had a hell of a time dealing with BM. She is totally irrational and she should have never went off her meds.

"The court order does not specify requirements for permission slips. This is a stipulation we have enforced due to prior issues."

How can you or the girl's father "enforce" a "stipulation" that is not in the court order? Who are you enforcing it upon? The teachers?

Even if this were in the court order, "two individuals (parent and stepparent) cannot make an agreement between them that is binding on a third party." No matter what is in the agreement, it is not binding on the third party, e.g. the school. (http://www.finaid.org/questions/divorce.phtml)
That is why prenups are ignored in the college financial aid process.

Kathline:
both parents have the right to grant permission.

I disagree. When a certain parent is responsible for the child on a particular day they are the only ones allowed to give permission. This is just common sense.

You may disagree all you wish, but you have joint legal custody. What that MEANS is that legally, either parent has the right to sign, unless there is a court order stating otherwise, however much you may wish it otherwise, or however much you feel it isnt common sense.

If you want it changed, get a court order stipulating the change. Otherwise, there is nothing that you can enforce since the mom isnt doing anything that breaks a court order. The idea that someone else suggested, of both parents receiving all permission slips, is also a good one. The only reason I can think of that you would be opposed to that is that your back is up and you are having turf wars with a woman you dislike.

Your reaction seems way out of proportion for such a trivial issue. Frankly, if I were the teacher and you consistently brought things like this in to complain about... well.

You seem to want to make an issue out of this, and I am wondering if this isnt a case of stepmom/mom terratorial wars, which are so common in second marriages.

Nowheregirl,

You can go to a general meeting at the school, or things like a football game, but in a meeting where only the teacher and the parents of one child are there discussing the child, I do not see a place for you, again, unless all parents agree. If both parents agree to bring steps, it is up to them. But otherwise, my daughter, like all students, has a right to have her issues, etc. discussed in private. Your DH can discuss all he wants with you when he goes home.

And as to transportation issues, you can not expect the school to solve them. Is teacher supposed to run down every divorced parent? And figure out whose days are whose? Your DH has to communicate with X. Teachers can not be expected to track down all. But I dont even see how a "presenter" effected that -- was school to run late?

Very interesting thread. Why didn't the teacher keep BOTH permission slips? I would have kept both. Sending your permission slip home was a slap in the face...
Staple them together and forget about it!!!!!!!! End of story. No, she has to send it home and create a lot of very hard feelings.

Maybe it was a misunderstanding. After SM called to complain, and then teacher checked and saw one signed slip, she might have thought, oh no, SM could not be complaining about mom having signed (when there is joint custody), that would be ridiculous, so SM must not have understood that mom did sign.

As a SM I go to all the PET meetings and parent teacher meetings at school with my husband. He wants me to go ( I used to be a teacher). BM brought the issue up at schol and they said the would not get involved as it did not violate their CO. She brought it to court that she did not want me to go (along with other issues). The judge said that dad has the right to bring anyone to a parent-teacher meeting that he wishes (his wife, brother, mother, a child advocate) and would not put a clause in the CO to prohibit my attending.

XW signs permisssion slips all the time which DH doesn't care about but he does get upset when she volunteers to go on every field trip even if it is on his day without asking him first. Last year they agreed to trade off every other field trip so she began trying to hide the trips. Last month the older one told her that it was Dad's turn to go.

In my school system, they have to hold separate meetings for each parent if the parent requests it (or if the school wishes to).

We only have separate meetings at school.

Either way, here is an update.

The teacher and the principal both agreed to follow the CO down to a T. It was noted that even though the CO does not state every single 'what-if' they can easily read between the lines to interpret it as it is written. Legal days/legal obligations. Also, our attorney can easily write up each and every hypothetical situation and send it to BM's attorney but this is a waste of time. They have records of what they agreed on during their mediation and we have a paper trail of other records regarding the CO.

That is that. Thanks for those with advice and I wish the best to others in similiar situations.

KKNY: I truly feel sorry for your child(ren). I hope someday you grow up and can add something positive to society. You seem just like my husband's ex girlfriend right before we exposed her in court. A lot of talk but no validity.
Jealous. Petty. Immature. Seriously, print up your answers and save. Someday, you will regret your stupidity.

Nowheregirl,

I am active in civic associatiosn, and respected for giving my time in my community. In short, I am respected for contributing and for caring about my DD.

But thank you Nowheregirl (and BTW, I love that name, becasue I love the Beatles song Nowhereman). Becuase everytime I read a post like yours, I remind myself to add up any extras I spent on DD and send the bill to Dad. If he can afford a non-working live-in GF (Ok, GF/Housekeeper as DD says), he can afford every skating/dancing/singing class known to man.

Nowheregirl,

My background, married for 25+ years (one child, born about 10 years into marriage -- so he didnt marry me becuase I "accidently got pregnant").

He had affair and left me. And man, I admit, I wish I could look like his GF. At my age? hahaha.

So she sits by the pool, etc. I dont resent that I work fulltime -- I resent that he basically made me work when DD was little and DD resented my not being home and GF doesnt work now. So Ok, I am resentful.

She was TOW - as far as I am concerned not deserving of any contact with DD. Not certain if she wants any contact with DD, the only thing DD says GF was uspset about was when DAD told her he was giving his house to DD when she turns 25. Do I suspect that GF tried to be nice to DD to cement relationship with DAd (and maybe get house)? Yes. Did I say anything? No.

Wow. Three raging posts in 10 min. You are crazy.

Seriously. One post would suffice.

Rage? You seem to be the one to personalize this. But like I said, I love hearing what SMs are all about. Energizes me.

I have been trying to figure out the best way to put this for awhile now.... but KKNY (and a few others out there)... why exactly are you posting such negative remarks to/about SM's on a STEP family SUPPORT forum?

I am posting negative comments? Hahaha - talk about one-sideed.

I still have issues with SM attending school conferences, so I gues that makes me crazy

Again. You are crazy. You need help. Seriously.

You are jealous of your ex's new girlfriend/wife and so you want to make his life hell. Your child is the only one you are hurting. Trust me. My husband and I laugh our asses off at the BM. We feel sorry for her. For you to say you make him pay 'extra' because you feel it is unfair that his new girlfriend makes him and his child happy is ridiculous. Luckily, the BM in our case can never get a dime from him.

I am done conversing with you. It is pointless. You are a poor excuse for a mother and you shouldn't be allowed to play your childish games. If I wanted to have an irrational conversation about jealousy and child's best interest I could call my SD's BM.

I wish your ex luck. All he needs is confidence and a good attorney. And you; a good doctor, padded walls and a lot of medication. I am sure your 'community' is very proud.

I think you have to take this whole thread with a grain of salt. I mentioned it to a co-worker of mine who had taught in the public schools for over 30 years, and she was horrified that anyone would expect a teacher to keep track of which parent should sign the permission slip on which day. She had never had experienced or even heard anything similar to such a situation.

If this thread is for real, I feel sorry for the little girl. It must be horrible to be the child in a shared physical custody situation if the parents can't get along well enough to manage not to worry about which one signed the permission slip. As long as they both know about upcoming field trips, I can't imagine why any reasonable person would care which parent signed.

Come to think of it, how often do permission slips come home to allow six year old children to listen to a presenter? What the heck was he presenting, birth control?? I don't remember any of my kids ever bringing home a permission slip so they could listen to a presenter, even in high school.

HIs GF never made DD happy. They have minimal contact. And I think the GF having an affiar with a married man with a child is indicative of someone who puts herself before a child. Happiness isnt the issue in any event.

You cant possibly know whether I am a good mother. I have to question whether your sitatuion has made you blind with anger at any mom.

Wow,

MY story is nothing like KKNY's, and I have been a stepmom for the last several years. But, OP, reading your first post made me think that you are petty and spiteful, since the permission slip is such a NON ISSUE in the big picture of things.

I dont agree with everything KKNY (or TOS) say, but there is at least as much self righteous condemnation of real mothers by step mothers on this board , as the other way around.

Personally, after reading your post, I think half the problem in your step family is you. That could be unfair because I dont know you personally. BUt your posts indicate that you take little insignificant things to heart, and insist on having YOUR way.

Maybe YOU need to grow up. Hell, maybe we all do.

Kathline, thanks for the voice of reason. And yes, I am not a SM. My sister is, and I think she is great. Her SS would have never graduated college without her help, and get this, she negotatied a settlement with the IRS for the biomom, when the biomom had a tax problem (get this the biomom, when on her second husband, filed a joint return, and second husband cheated on taxes). My sister helped her out (for free, and my sister is a CPA) and now the mom is on her third husband. But my sister doesnt overstep her boundaries. She woudl be the first to say she is not the mom. She can help. But thats it.

Theotherside.

Obviously every little issue can not be written in one post as to why we are at this point. So yes, take my post with a grain of salt. It is only one issue out of many. We understand that the situation is difficult. However, we phone called the teacher and emailed about the accommodations we need because of SD's living situation.

It is not a concern whether or not SD can attend. Our concern is with communicating properly with the necessary parent.

We clearly have a different situation than most on here. For that I am thankful. We had a great attorney who saw right through the BM. In the CO; it is stated that we only use email communication, which most probably find hard to believe. We had to do this because of previous issues. A paper trail is needed. We email her about SD and she doesn't respond. Therefore, we need to be in contact more so with her teacher and school.

Her teacher already has to follow her schedule as my SD goes to daycare in the school on our days. I am surprised you find this a burden. It is simply securing SD's safety while she is at school. Which by the way is the school's responsibility.

Furthermore,
We were instructed by the principal of SD's school last year to make sure everyone at the school is on board with what was in the CO. They all received copies of the order but we did sit down and discuss what everything meant.
You are right you do not personally know me or my situation.
We have had a lot of 'non-issues' already and when we let it go it gets worse. We are sticking with what was advised to us by his attorney and the judge.

BY your own words, the requirement that only one parent has the right to sign permission forms is not in the custody order. What you are attempting to have enforced is your interpretation of what the custody order should say. If it doesnt say that specifically, then legally, the school can accept a permission form signed by either parent, since you have joint legal custody.

This, of course, is why you seem like the angry controlling person who feels her toes are stepped on. Its not a big deal when I read about it, and I doubt that it is a big deal to the school. THe only way it becomes a problem for them is when you, the stepmom, call up complaining about something that is perfectly legal for them to do. If I were the teacher, I would think you are a whining troublemaker, particularly since the real mom is a volunteer at the school and very involved in the childs life.

In short, what I am trying to say is that I think your attitude makes the animosity between your husband and his ex worse, not better. I think you egg it on to an extent. ANd, for the sake of a six year old girl, and for the sake of your own marriage, you are going to need to get a grip on it.

Being a step mom is like raising teens. DOnt sweat the small stuff. This definitely is in the small stuff category.

WImom and cawfee, dont you just WISH your stepchildrens real moms were half as involved as this real mom is? There isnt anything to complain about here. Both parents are trying to stay active in the childs life. Stepmom in this case shouldnt be stirring up angry sentiments.

Oh, I just came back from teacher interviews this evening with my birth sons teachers. I was there, AND his stepfather was there. His real father did a phone interview earlier today. My sons real father has no problem with my husband going to school interviews, since my son lives with us full time, and visits with his real dad. BUT if my ex had a problem, I would have gone myself and discussed what the teacher said at home later with my husband. Also, for what its worth, my husband always checks that its not an issue before he gets involved, as I check before I get involved in areas such as schooling with his children.

Its not easy, but someone has to take the high road. If you dont react to little things, if you put the kid first instead of your pride, you find that it becomes much easier in time, and the children do much better. I cant imagine the six year old in this situation, confused about who gets a form and why anyone would be angry about it.

Its ALWAYS easier to be angry and blame the other person, than to be placid and accomodating with people you dont like. IN the long run, its worth it .

Shared physical custody DOES NOT WORK well when there is a lot of conflict between the parents. Most courts would not award shared physical custody under such circumstances.

This statement is very disturbing, and makes one question the father's motivation for shared physical custody:

"Luckily, the BM in our case can never get a dime from him."

I don't believe that you can guarantee that that will always be the case.

How long have you and your husband been married? Are there any other stepkids? do you have kids of your own?

The worst years are the first few, particularly if there is animosity between your husband and his ex. It gets better with time and lots of practice .

Am I understanding correctly that the presenter was coming for an after school activity, which is why the kids who did not go to school daycare would need a permission slip to stay? Yet your husband's daughter goes to daycare IN THE SCHOOL BUILDING on that day, and the presenter was presenting IN THE SCHOOL BUILDING, in which case legally she didn't need a permission slip at all, from anyone, because she was remaining on school property?

I responded last week saying not a big deal for me unless the child needed something for the event and I didn't know about it because I didn't see the slip....

I don't care how many times you bring the CO to school it really isn't their issue as to who signs who doesn't ... I am the SM and I do not sign permission slips but I do sign agenda books ... with my secret check mark... so mom doesn't have a bird but the teachers know its me who did the check mark on the agendas ... because I went to teacher conference night. Dad was called into work ... and it wasn't mom's night so she wouldn't go. I relayed the information to dad he relayed it to mom.

They hold the "book fair" on Parent's night to get kids and parents in the door. So we "had" to go.

I am sure I will get grief for going to conferences but parents didn't have an issue with it so neither should anyone else.

I am the one doing homework with children I should know if there are any issues with homework ... schoolwork etc. If I were not an involved SM then I wouldn't be going not my kids not my problem if they fail.

It seems like a control issue to me. Your child attended this event safely, right? So who cares who signed what? All these battles just hurt poor children. I see how conflicts between parents can hurt children every day and if stepparents bring even more conflict into this mix, guess who gets hurt? Always a child.

"Its not easy, but someone has to take the high road. If you dont react to little things, if you put the kid first instead of your pride, you find that it becomes much easier in time, and the children do much better. I cant imagine the six year old in this situation, confused about who gets a form and why anyone would be angry about it."

I think this is one of several good points Kathline made in this post. OP, I understand how frustrating it is when the CO isn't followed. My CP DH and his ex have a VERY specific CO that was written to cover pretty much any situation that could come up (we have discovered now a few that were missed!) but for the main part is specifies if "X" happens Mom should do "Y", and so forth. Therefore, it is very frustrating when the order isn't followed as it's spelled out in black and white. BUT, in this instance it seems the court order does not specifically say the slip should be sighed by the parent whose time is affected, so you may be making it into a bigger frustration for yourself than called for. In a perfect world a parent would sign a slip and let the other parent know about the event. In a less than perfect world you have this situation.

Truly, I think you are using this one instance to embody your feelings and frustrations about the BM, and you just have to let it go. It's annoying, and I'm sure it's one of 1000 annoyances she has caused your family, but it can't be the last thing you think about when you go to bed. I speak from experience - if you let these things effect you this much they will eat you up inside, and your family will be the ones to suffer in the end. You have to find some way, and only you can find this, to let the small stuff roll off you. Your happiness truly does depend on it.

Starting in Kindergarten, all FOUR parents went to Open House. Whatever issues we as the parents have, the school's job is to educate our daughter. We have plenty of our own issues between us all, and as my SD has gotten older, then have in many ways intensified, but the one thing we have agreed upon is that OUR problems are not the teacher's problem. We get copies from BM of anything that goes home, and I check the school Website to see if anything went home that we missed. The school's policy is that to talk to me w/o one of the "real" parents present required a notarized document from my husband. Now we have that and we are still on track. All through elementary school I was a parent volunteer. Now I do more event oriented activities. But at no point would I expect the teachers to have to determine who they needed to talk to on a given day. If SD does not take standard transportation home, one of us picks her up. In elementary school, I would never of dreamed to have those over-worked staff people put her on the right bus.

Try to realize that the child's education comes first. I got lucky, we are in year 11 of this arrangement.

Good luck, and my prayers are with you.

In any situation, you need to pick your battles. This is a non issue. Does it REALLY matter who signed the permission slip? If mom signed for a trip on dad's time and dad did NOT want the kid to go, then maybe I could understand. But this sounds like whining because toes are getting stepped on.

Grow up!!! Make copies for each other and exchange them like adults. If she's doing it to get a reaction from you and you give her one, she's gonna keep doing it. What are the parents teaching the children with all this bickering???

I've read about school pictures, lunch money, birthday parties, etc. etc. Everyone thinks THEY are right and the kids are dying to grow up so they can get away from the fighting.

PICK YOUR BATTLES!!!! If your daughter is being allowed to date grown men, that's worth fighting over. maybe that's a little on the extreme but stop bickering over stupid things that in five or ten years, or even a month from now, are NOT going to matter.