This is something that gets discussed a lot here in many contexts; an ex, a step child, a bio parent . . .

It is something I have struggled with for YEARS with regard to my CSD's mom, and I am happy to say I think I am reaching the point where I can say my level of involvement is healthy. I can now see that the amount of time I spent angry about the things she did, the words she spoke and the way she parented was harmful to myself, and my family. I could stew for days over the clothes she sent SD home in and the things SD would repeat to me that she heard from her mom. I spent SO many hours trying to think of ways to show her mom the harm she was doing to her relationship with her daughter. I wasted so much time being angry that SD had gone to her mom complaining that we wouldn't let her go to a concert because mom might think we weren't parenting 'right' and take us to court. I thought about SD related things about 14 hours of every day. One might say I was even obsesive, I can see that now. I think it's part of my personality - when there is a problem I fix it, and I'll do endless research, tries and retries, exhaust every option until the problem is fixed. I saw SD's poor relationship with her mom and the hurt her mom caused as a problem, so I had to fix it. I saw our difficulties dealing with mom, and visa versa, as a problem to be fixed. It drove me mad that I could not succeed.

I wish I could tell you what changed. Honestly, I think it began with the going-down-in history-of-the-weird slumber party when we hung out all night. I don't know if it was that mom and I saw each other as something other than enemies that did the trick? Maybe the fact that we just put aside all the crap and talked like well behaved adults let us see that maybe we each weren't as bad as we'd believed?

Mind you, this doesn't mean I think she is a great parent. There are years of issues we are still working to overcome, but I have to say the issues now are further and more far between. I still believe her to be self absorbed (as does her daughter) but I think we have both learned to just accept and work around that.

I think some of this calmness has to do with age. We both have realized that SD did a fair share of causing friction between us, and as she matures she does this less. It could be that she sees the difference between positive and negative attention, but it could also be that her mom and I play into it less. The reaction she would get from her mom when she talked about me is much less explosive, so she has lessened her attempts to use me as a 'weapon.'

I don't really know my point in posting all this, other than I just received a nice email from SD's mom in response to a nice one I sent, and it's just so much more enjoyable to have fun, friendly banter than the terse, ugly words we were writing a year ago. It has changed my overall feeling about my life so much . . . I hate to admit how much of an affect she had on my day to day life. Sitting here now thinking back on it all it almost seems like a different life. I'm not fooling myself into thinking we won't have conflict ever again, but I'm looking forward to continuing this thread we are on. Our first wine party is next month and I'm almost looking forward to it. Scared of it as well, but I think the fact that it's a wine party will help! :-)

So maybe my point is obsession is bad. Over thinking and over analyzing is bad. One individual can not change a person. Actually, scratch that. I think you can . . . but you can change them for the worse easier than you can change them for the better. Think about your actions while bemoaning someone else's. It just might be possible that you cause the same kind of mental turmoil for another person.

Thanks for taking this stroll down reflection lane with me. ;-)