I'm not a bio-mom,but I dont think this is fair.She SHOULD have to pay half,or at least SOMETHING toward her son's rehab.
Why should the responsibilty fall solely on dad?
I hope your husband isnt going to give in to these demands.

Wow, that stinks tamar! Is there any way you could go back to court to figure out who should pay for what?

Why, if the child is not even living with his mother, since he is in a treatment facility, should she recieve child support? What are her expenses in reguards to the child if the child is not in her custody?

Also, why is he still paying maintenance if she is remarried. I thought that in most divorce orders that when maintenance is paid, it usually stops once the ex is remarried. At what time will this end?

raek - BioMom stilll gets maintenance because by the time their divorce was finalized, she had husband #2 lined up, he lives and works in Washington, DC, we are in Chicago, and she told DH she waould need her maintenance, in addition to CS, to remain in Chicago until younger son graduates high school. The agreement was that she would receive maintenance for 3 years or until son graduates. She put off her wedding so that the 3 years coincides with graduation, and then she moved to DC, leavings sons with us.

Following some problems with younger son (DUI arrest), she moved back. Her exact words to me were, "I'm not happy here. I don't have any friends, Son NEEDS me, I've moving back." Fine, except with her return, problems with son were exacerbated, until he chose to go live with her, and then everything went downhill, and now he's in treatment.

Her maintenance check covers the rent on her townhouse. I am guessing that the expenses she has are his cell phone (which he is not currently using) and auto insurance (ditto).

I think I am just really irritated by her. I am sure I blame her idiot parenting skills for enabling son to get to the point where he is now, and she is just oblivious to that. I know I've asked this before, but how could she have left him alone, unsupervised for the weekend, knowing he has a drinking habit, a recent cutting episode and a fresh Zoloft prescription? She was an absent parent before she moved away, she got a second chance and screwed that up, and no one seems to be calling her on it. My DH has been very subtle in blaming her directly, only referring to the incident as something that occurred in her home, because he is so non-confrontational and doesn't think it's in son's best interest to blame. Except if she isn't called on it, how do we know she won't do somehting like that in the future? And she feels she's entitled to a financial reward, despite her crappy parenting.

What a terrible situation. No it is not fair. Your husband's ex doesn't sound like a very responsible parent and it's sad that her children, your husband and you have to suffer for it.

Read your papers form CS, there is probably something in it about medical coverage. Like: "the father has to carry the insurance BUT the bills "not" covered after insurance are to be paid 50% each"... Good luck!! (CS got my husband for $10,000 back medicaid so I have done alot of research on this) Gin

Most divorce agreements have say each parent pays 50% of non covered ... just because it says it doesnt mean she will pay it ....

BM here refuses why do I have to pay half when I already pay child support. We are lucky non covered expenses aren't that much but its just another obligation she weasels herself out of.

And if you start paying your "half" who will pay the rest? will they kick him out of treatment for non-payment? will that be your fault?

I would go back to court with her file for new orders. a reduction in support something.

DH is 100% responsible for all medical expenses, and that is fine. Of course, I am sure when they made that agreement, DH wasn't thinking son would end up in residential treatment.

From what I understand, a lot of kids who need intensive residential treatment don't get it because it is so cost prohibitive and not covered by insurance. We are lucky in that DH can provide for that.

What to me is so blatantly unfair is that BioMom is not paying for anything, yet still thinks she is entitled to her CS check. DH shared with me that in a family counseling session, done via teleconference, son said he knew treatment must be expensive, and he thanked mom and dad. Without missing a beat, BioMom said, "Honey, I love you. I'm just doing what any parent would do." Can you believe it!?!

DH has told BioMom that we can only afford to pay for residential treatment if we are not also paying CS, and that if she insists, we will have to find a less expensive treatment solution, meaning non-residential with son living with BioMom. DH is counting on the fact that BioMom does not want to have to deal with responsibility of caring for son while he is so unstable. She had skipped hospital visits before he was moved across the country, she couldn't wait for a bed at a nearby treatment facility because she "wasn't ready to have him home," and she insisted that DH fly with son across country to facility because she "didn't think she could handle him if he had an episode." Personally, I think she just can't be bothered. So, we will see what BioMom wants to do.

I don't understand why anyone here, or the noncustodial parents for that matter, are arguing over money when everyone seems to have so much of it. I am glad my kids have never required uninsured residential treatment, because there is nowhere I could get even one month's payment from. When all my kids were minors, I received $33 a week per child in support; in my state, it is rare to get spousal support when there are children, even as a SAHM in a long term marriage. It is hard for me to believe that there really are people out there who live in mansions on the beach with six bathrooms, or who can afford $6000 a month in spousal/child support (which is far more than my total income). And I am not a high school dropout flipping burgers - I have two graduate degrees and a professional job. How on earth do you make that kind of money?

Its not the amount of money ... Its the lack of consideration when it comes to money. Why should one parent be responsible for all bills when it comes to the children thats why most decrees have the 50% element ... but just because its there doesn't mean its enforced ... So they start paying there 50% who pays the other? who will they come after for it... how petty would dad sound saying ... well I pay their mom cs so she can pay the other half! They are paying the treatment center thats not the point ... point is why does mom feel she doesn't have to contribute to the childs welfare. Is she that money hungry or is it that the child will soon be 18 and her payments will stop. And by the time they get to court and work it all out the son will either be 18 or out of treatment so back at square one.
be thankfull he is 17 not 7 ...

That is one 'high-maintenance' - sounding BioMom, and you can bet she thinks it's either fair or unfair to her detriment...

Just wish I could actually say I bellieve it will end when SS turns 18 and graduates. But sadly, this poor messed-up kid doesn't sound anywhere near ready to stand on his own two feet.

Thank you, cawfecup. That's exactly my point. BioMom seems to feel that she should have no financial responsibility, and that she is still entitled to CS when son is not even living with her at this point. And, on top of it all, she is bringing up "residential schooling" for when son is released from treatment center. I don't know why she is even thinking that far ahead. It sounds to me like she doesn't really even want him living back with her, and this will crush him. We would love to have him back with us, as we miss him so much, especially the way he was before he started getting into trouble, but he has talked about going back to his mom's after treatment. You have no idea how much this scares us.

TOS, it's not is if we have an extra $21,000/month in our budget. We've had to liquidate assets that would otherwise be set aside for college tuition for our 5 children and retirement. I have already said that I don't care about spending this money. Son needs it. What is really making me angry is that, after all BioMom has done to enable son to party, be left alone for the weekend, and hurt himself, she is only thinking about herself and getting her money. She's just terrible. Can you really defend her, TOS?

DH has a Harvard MBA and runs an investment banking firm. He had actually wanted to be a museaum curator as an undergrad, but had already hooked up with BioMom, and knew he'd have to make a lot of money if he wanted to marry her. That's his story, anyway.

I am not defending her. I think she is fortunate too to have so much money. I, like many people, don't have any assets to speak of to liquidate. I can't afford to put aside money in a 401K and still feed the kids. I am sure not everyone on this board is rolling in money, but it seems that most have absolutely no idea what it is like to live in poverty.

I know what is like, I have worked very hard to better myself. It is a struggle.

tamar: she does these things because, you guys let her. Plain and simple. I am not sure of every state and not sure where you are from, but for example, my sister-in-law (lives in Michigan), had to go to court because he ex wanted visitation right from June - Sept (summer break). Well he got it, then immediately after, he and his attorney, went back to court and released him from paying child support for this three months...that is the law there and I know it is in Alabama. As a matter of fact, my SIL has to pay him CS for those 3 months. Now I know it is not the same, but it should still apply. She is not paying for any of his "needs". I would take her to court, if you have the money, and it sounds as if you do, use it. Get your lives straight where the ex is concerned and then when your son gets out - hopefully you can help get his straight. DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIM!!

TOS, I had a lower middle-class upbringing. My dear (step)dad had a failed business, and in order to support our family, he took a blue-collar job. I put myself through college, as did my sister, and we both helped our little (half) brother when he went to college. Our parents did not have a lot of disposable income, and we certainly did not expect them to compromise their retirement for our college educations, especially since we were capable of taking care of ourselves. My DH also grew up middle-class. My MIL was a SAHM until her two kids needed braces, then she went back to work to pay for them. We both understand and appreciate what we have now. DH has worked hard in order to provide for us, and we are fortunate enough to be able to financially help out our parents when necessary.

DH provided VERY comfortably for his ex in their divorce. Much more comfortably than most ex-wives. She has not had to work, and she was still getting a monthly maintenance check after she remarried and moved away from her sons. Yes, she is indeed very fortunate, and she can certainly afford not to receive CS while her son is NOT living with her, while DH is paying for residential treatment. I have not said she should pay for his treatment or his medical bills not covered by insurance. That is clearly DH's responsibility per their agreement.

TOS, do you think BioMom should be entitled to receive CS under the circumstances? That is what I think is very unfair.

jenny alabama, what do you mean by "DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIM!!" DH has always made excuses and protected the boys from knowing what their mom is really like. When the boys were younger and mom was a drunk, DH would tell the boys that mom was "tired," that she loved them, despite all the screaming. Even now, they do not know that the reason she still gets maintenance is because she lied and said she would stay in Chicago until youngest son graduated high school. What would be the point of knowing that their mom is so greedy and selfish? Yes, I have had to bite my tongue when either of the boys has talked about how great their mom is, but that's another thread.

"jenny alabama, what do you mean by "DO NOT HIDE ANYTHING FROM HIM!!" DH has always made excuses and protected the boys from knowing what their mom is really like. When the boys were younger and mom was a drunk, DH would tell the boys that mom was "tired," that she loved them, despite all the screaming. Even now, they do not know that the reason she still gets maintenance is because she lied and said she would stay in Chicago until youngest son graduated high school. What would be the point of knowing that their mom is so greedy and selfish? Yes, I have had to bite my tongue when either of the boys has talked about how great their mom is, but that's another thread."

tamar...this is my point exactly, do not hide the way their mom acts. They should know the truth. I have said this before, my husband made the mistake of not defending himself and hiding what their mother did, now he has no relationship with either of his kids because they listen to her. He now regrets not telling them everything. She is vendictive, and now my husband is supposedly the bad one.

Hey, there is no way this is fair. I mean, if anyone (either parent) was independently wealthy and the other one struggled, then it would be ridiculous to not expect those able to pitch in more, even 100%, to help out during a crisis. As you point out, this woman does have money and isn't feeding or driving the kid anywhere this month, regardless of your financial situation.

If any of us was the BM and this scenario was going on, would you not be ETERNALLY grateful that the BD and stepmom were willing to foot this hefty bill so that your son was receiving the best possible care? Would any of us DARE to try to receive CS while the kid isn't being housed, driven anywhere or fed while in the facility? NO! I truly think the woman is driven by money, not love. It's terrible. Your husband is smart to call her bluff about changing facilities...

About leveling w/ the kids about what a deadbeat the BM is...I think your husband has been wise. It kills us to see them (husbands w/ exes) often criticized w/o reason by their exes, but two wrongs don't make a right and the fact that your husband has chosen to take the high road speaks volumes about him. I know, my husband isn't as vocal as I sometimes wished about his ex, and I'd often take his lack of expression as condoning what she was doing. But, it wasn't that - I think he and your husband were trying to not tear the kids apart anymore, etc.

I have no doubt that your steps will or already do know the truth. Being new here, I have no idea as to your history w/ them or anything, but on some level, I would think they would admire your husband being so classy throughout everything. It sounds to me like this boy's issues aren't any big surprised w/ this woman as the mother and primary caregiver. She sounds like a very selfish woman...at her children's expenses...

Good luck,
Dana

OH MY GOD! I am so upset with BioMom at this moment! It turns out she has been in Washington, DC, for the last week. DH had been leaving messages on her home phone, which she wasn't returning. They finally connected tonight. Son had another episode at the residential treatment. He apparently realized that due to how much school he has missed, he probably won't graduate with his class in June 2008, without some major intervention/summer school, or something. He punched himself so hard that he gave himself a black eye and needed facial x-rays. The therapist told DH this is normal, son is still making progress, it's just that self injuring has probably been on his mind for a long time, and now that he's done it, it's hard to stop. Okay. We can understand that.

The reason I'm so angry? BioMom said to DH, well, son won't be going back to his high school. He can't ever live with her again, she won't be able to handle him if he has an episode, he'll have to go to therapeutic boarding school. While I'm sure she hasn't given up her townhouse, she has apparently been thinking this way for some time - she's already gone back home to DC, and it was only two weeks ago that she was still asking for CS! Son would be crushed to know that his mom is thinking this way. DH told me that, really, it would be best for son NOT to live with his mom again. While I know this is true, I don't even want to imagine his reaction to, once again, being abandoned by his mother.

When son first cut himself and ended up in the hospital (has it really only been 6 weeks?), I said immediately to DH, "That's it. It's obviously not working to live with BioMom. Son needs to come back home and live with us." Son did not want to do this, saying in session he NEEDED to live with his mom. After he punched himself in the face the first time, while still in the hospital but prior to moving to residental treatment, I told DH that perhaps it was best that son did not want to return to our home, as we have 3 younger children, and it would be tragic for them if he continued to hurt himself in our home.

However, now my heart just breaks when I think of his BioMom. He really will be crushed. I think he would be much better off back at our home, despite all the discipline problems we've had in the past, than at a therapeutic boarding school. I truly believe a lot of those problems (not wanting to follow house rules, curfew, coming home drunk) were driven at least in part by the fact that BioMom had moved back and he felt he had more latitude to behave poorly.

I really wish she would just drop off the face of the earth.

tamar, I have been keeping up with this story, and my heart goes out to you......

I know how frustrating it is to have a BM who is not even on the same team.

You and DH have a lot to consider regarding SS future care and treatment. You sound like you really have it together and I'm sure you guys will make the best decision you can for *everyone* involved.

If you have him move back into your home, I would advise you to do everything you can to convince BM to move to DC permanently. SS doesn't need the temptation of, or access to, such an enabling environment (her townhouse w/ little or no supervision,etc).
Besides, DC is not off the earth, but it's a pretty good distance away. ;)