He has more contact? Compared to what? Most of his children are not allowed in his house?

I would love to hear from some of the step children of the stepmoms on this board too.

As I have said before, this board is a good learning experience. Many SMs combine dislike of stepchildren with wanting control over them. Or at least wanting them not in their house.

"Most of his children are not allowed in his home?"

It seems this is TOS's version.

he takes them out for dinner but only one visits him in his house. they are grown so i suspect it is not up to TOS to decide if they should go to his house or not. It is up to them and their father what relationship they have.

OR maybe TOS has made it difficult for him to see and have a relationship with his kids. Maybe when he calls she answers and talks to him about their marital issues or lays the guilt trip on what he should come over and fix. Maybe when he came to get his kids she was one of those moms who used the child as a pawn....if you want to take ______(insert childs name) then you need to do ________________. And maybe she made such ridiculous requests it got too difficult. Not right for him to give up on his kid, but I have seen this situation happen before. BM plays games with him and then plays the victim later. HHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

And before TOSakaKKNYakaFinedreams says anything about my situation:

When bm lived in state my dh let skids go whenever bm would take them and did not make it difficult for her. Not our fault she left state. We do not get in the way of any phonecalls or e-mails. Kids are free to send and recieve.

It may not be up to TOS to decide if they are adult children, but I think what Wry is saying, is that we are only getting TOS's side. There's always three sides. Hers, His and the truth.

As I wrote, it would be interesting to know his experience of what has occured between him and his children...since none of us are the sole arbiters of the "truth."

That would be a lovely idea! I would love to hear the mens side of the story. The ones paying the CS. The ones who have been segregated by BM from his kids. Yes, i agree there are fathers and mothers out there who just pack up and go. But the ones who really want to see the kids and get all the games from BM...What about their feelings. What about when BM poisons her kids against exH and new wife???
there are many posts and many stories and many situations. Andi'm sure it would be very interesting to get that angle on the stories. The get the entire picture and not just one side.
I have that situation where BM plays games and then acts like the victim!
I go to a family gathering and get a stare or two from a person who is in touch with her. Then they approach me and get flabergasted from my point of view. Like the time she gave the wrong directions to my DH for her daughters Soccer match. He was lost for over 2 hours and i paid 45 $ in gaz that day on top of the 30$. But i prepared myself and my son:) I bought water, snacks and made lunch..cause i knew she did it. Told my hubby he wouldnt' beleive me. Guess after going in circles for 2 hours after an 1 1/2 hour drive up he believed me:)
Either way, we will never know the 'truth' cause the chances of hearing his side of the story are near to impossible.

so the reason TOS' X does not spend enough time with kids is possibly because she made it difficult for him to be involved. It is possible. But why when some of you describe how BMs in your lives are so uninvolved shouldn't we assume that it is because your DH or even you made it difficult for them to be involved? Somehow it never occured to me that BMs in your lives are so indifferent or crazy because of your DHs or even you. It never came to my mind that it is your DHs' fault. It seems unfair. Your SK's BMs are uninvolved just because, but TOS' X is uninvolved because it is her fault. Hmmm It sounds like unkind comment.

to add to my previous post: why is it possible that your SK's mom just left despite you or DH being accommodating, but TOS' X and SM are uninvolved because she did something wrong. Why should we trust you and your experience but not trust TOS? It is not fair.

My point exactly, FD.

KKNY, TOS, and at times yourself and others have marginalized, questioned the veracity of the feelings, beliefs, experience of the SM posters to this board. This is done by remarking when a SM posts that we "are only getting one side of the story."

So, wouldn't it be interesting to hear from others?

No parent becomes univolved in their children's lives just because the other parent makes it difficult. A parent becomes uninvolved because that's what they choose to do.

I don't care which BM, SD, DH, whoever we're talking about...they can be the biggest B---- or A--H--- the world has ever known and still not be "responsible" for the other parents absence.

It makes me really angry that my DD's father explains his absence from his daughter this way, that I made it too difficult for him. Of course, I made it difficult...he's a drug addict...doesn't change the fact that he could have cleaned up and made himself involved.

Wild horses couldn't keep me away from my child...and my DH feels the same way. SD's BM is constantly taking jabs at DH and trying to make SD "decide" between them, and often times DH's relationship with SD suffers, but he doesn't give up on it because no good parent would.

Bottom line, these absent parents make their own choices, and it has little to do with how anyone else behaves or feels toward them.

I don't think I ever said anything that would imply he only took one child out to dinner. Perhaps something about only allowing one to visit was misinterpreted.

I am sure that my H would have lots of negative things to say about me, but I really doubt that he would accuse me of not letting the kids visit. He told the counselor that that was his wife's doing. The only times when I asked him to do anything since the divorce was when I occasionally asked him to pick up or drop off a child somewhere other than home, like a lesson or a friend's house, all of which have been within a ten minute drive, and which he doesn't seem to mind doing. I never talk to him when he calls, which is rarely, unless he specifically asks to speak to me. He has never called the kids for anything other than logistical reasons. The counselor we saw when he first left told him to call them every night, but he decided that it was pointless because they didn't have a lot to say (apparently just the "How was your day" "Ok" stuff that is typical of children). He has a lot of difficulty carrying the conversational ball, and always has as long as I have known him.

Hmmm, he told the counselor that it was his wife's fault his kids don't visit him???? and the counselor didn't tell him to grow some cajones/backbone? Then, the counselor suggested he call them every day? I suppose that would be for him to maintain a relationship with them... right? (but finedreams would say that's too frequent for a NCP to call but I disagree. Kids should have that 'how was your day' call, even if it's only a couple of minutes a day) But then you say he doesn't call them and make an excuse for him.

It's all so convoluted. You'd take him back because you love him. He's weaseled out of his relationship with his kids, according to YOU. How could you love someone that would do that? Why would you want him back? Nothing you say about the situation as a whole makes much sense. It's like trying to fit pieces from two puzzles together to make one. Nevermind the fact that he had an affair, you excuse it with his 'depression'. Then the fact he doesn't see his kids, it's his wife's fault. A picture of him has been painted that makes him out to be a pathetic, weak, shell of a man that for some reason, has just enough wonderful qualities that you still love him. But you wouldn't want him to end up with your child if anything happened to you.

Oh_my, I agree that people make their own decisions. But, I believe that people are also influenced by other things. If a guy is always looking for the easy way, then he might see his kids more if his ex makes it convenient. If it's a headache and battle every time, he may give up and say it's not worth it. I'm not saying it's the ex's fault completely because I wouldn't ever give up seeing my kids no matter who tried to stand in my way. But, the ex that makes it difficult, can influence someone that might otherwise see his kids by making it hard. Then, there are parents that bend over backwards to get the other parent involved to no avail.

But, based on the hostility that TOS displays toward the exH's wife (everything's her fault) and the fact that she feels the need to let her kids know the 'truth' about daddy's affair and I'm sure her kids know how she feels about his wife... it's easy to understand why they only go to dinner with him and don't visit in his house. It is likely that when they go to his house, they treat her badly (probably with good reason since they know she's the other woman) and she doesn't want them in her house for that reason. (I'm not saying it's right, but it's understandable.)

It would be very interesting to get the 'truth' about the entire situation because there are many things that just don't add up.

Two different counselors. Two different times.

She didn't want our youngest there back when she couldn't really talk yet. She said having four young kids there disrupted the peace and quiet. Ya think?

i agree with ohmy. every uninvolved parent always says they aren't involved because the other parent made it difficult. those are all excuses.

young children disrupted peace and quiet..???? if you want your peace and quiet you don't marry a man with young children. i can't believe this woman...she has an affair with married man and then complains that his children disrupt peace and quiet. so it is TOS's fault that her children disrupted TOW's peace and quiet hahahahah oy

"so it is TOS's fault that her children disrupted TOW's peace and quiet hahahahah oy"

No, it's not TOS's fault. and it's not the wife's fault she feels that way. It's the father's fault he married and stayed with a woman that doesn't accept his children. and he condones it by staying with her and not seeing his children.

but it's not really the wife's fault. She's being honest about how she feels. (and the information that it is the wife's request that the kids don't visit is also second hand information the husband told the counselor? TOS telling it here, makes it third hand information at best.) That should be taken with a grain or even a pinch of salt, just like when my DH's ex's BF's exW tells me something.

of course it is his fault, but it doesn't make her a saint. everything what is told here is 2nd or 3rd hand info and all we can do is just take it or question everything people say, which devalues point of having such forum. nobody can help anybody with advice unless we take what people say at a face value.

My experience has been this:

BioMom did ALL those things to try and make daddy's life a living hell. Using the girls as pawns, guilting him into to doing things for her, going over and over and over again why we the marriage crumbled exc. exc. It was REALLY bad before we got the girls. He NEVER stopped getting his kids though. We just figured out ways to minimalize the BS. He stoped going over to drop off or pick up the girls without me because she wouldn't want to "talk" about "things". He felt there was nothing to talk about anyway. We also started laying down really clear boundaries so she would understand where her line was. We had to treat her like a child for awhile untill the drama died down.

I will say as nuts as things sometimes got....we never used Biomom's behavior as reason to not get the girls three times a week. We have full custody now (because mom's a nut) so the drama has almost all but dissapeared since she no longer has the control. We are very careful to not play the same games she did now that we are the CP's.