Sounds to me like you already know what is going on and how it's going to end. If in doubt, re-read your own post, particularly the part where you wrote:

"My partner says he takes the easy route to limit confrontation as his youngest is the most aggressive boy I have ever met. He is violent verbally and physically to the other children and his dad and me with little or no punishment "

You already know that "the easy route" is only easy for a little while. Your partner is 'brewing a monster' and when that child is just a little bigger, he's likely to be flat-out dangerous. No other word describes it.

I think you already know what you have to do.

I am at my wits end, I have tried everything to help my bf understand that he is in control of his sons future, my ss is very rude and my son thinks it is funny to be like him and he is only four, my mother has said the same thing as you (sweeby) saying that for my own sons positive future I need to move away! very difficult when the children only come at weekends and my bf is completely different mon to thurs to when compared to fri to sun. I too am worried!

I struggle because I feel like I am letting a nine year old ruin my relationship but in reality he is not, its my partners doing by not being fair! I have struggled with this for two years. I understand emotions are different between the children and the reason for that is biology. I don't like my ss and my bf doesn't really like my son match made is heaven ha ha (although I am not joking)

My partner until recently (I had a major arguement with him about this) has been very rude and verbally aggressive to my son calling him names to his face, he does the same to his own daughter and to some sad extent that is how I justify his actions because it's his own as well as mine! does allowing this happen make me a bad mum, god I hope not as I love my son very much!

My mum says the only round not splitting up is for me to go to hers every weekend so that I limit the contact my son has with my bf's son, do you think this could work?

You can take the easy route too.. take the better behaved children and do something anything doesn't matter what it is... visit friends, relatives, go to a park, doesn't have to involve money, bike riding, anything just get out of the house. Warmer weather is here. Leave him with his favorite son. And when asked why say you two need time together. "I think he needs you"

When one of mine is acting out I take the others out rent a movie come home barricade ourselves in "my room" and enjoy the movie. Hubby figures out what to do to entertain his mis-behaving child.

There are no rewards for bad behavior.

You are covering up a bad situation. This will not work. You better get out now before you end up hurt or your child hurt.

Your boyfriend is rewarding his son for being a bully.
& why not?
He's just following his dad's example.

"I feel like I am letting a nine year old ruin my relationship but in reality he is not, its my partners doing"

bingo.

There's *nothing* positive going on here, & all the potential is for violence & devastation.

You have to overcome your own reluctance & your own feelings that this is a reasonable adult relationship.

What kind of feellings are you going to have when (not if) your child is in the hospital or the morgue or jail?

You gotta leave.

Hmmmmm.....Is it possible the dad doesnt favor the child,but over compensates because he sees the child has issues? I have often heard of the parental instinct to "protect" the weaker child. Perhaps he knows how you feel about this boy,and with all the boy's problems he is feeling protective of him.

Still this doesnt verify his behavior.I'm just trying to think of reasons why he might do this.

You're young and not yet married to this man. My advise would be to take your son and RUN. Unless you want your son to turn out like (or worse than) the 9 year old. Put YOUR child first and leave. If you don't, you will be cleaning up a mess that your BF (not husband) made with his children and trying to keep your own son from falling into the mess. Good luck with that. Think about what you're getting into.

"My partner until recently (I had a major arguement with him about this) has been very rude and verbally aggressive to my son calling him names to his face, he does the same to his own daughter and to some sad extent that is how I justify his actions because it's his own as well as mine!"

What is wrong with a 38 yo grown man that he would act rudely and be verbally aggressive to a 4 yo child? Calling a 4 yo child names to his face? Come on, sarahm, this guy sounds like a real jerk. A really abusive jerk. Why are you with him? I can't imagine he would have any good qualities that would be worth putting up with his abuse towards your son.

Please seriously consider the advice you are being given. You need to protect your son and do what is in your son's best interest.

I spoke to my bf on tuesday about his son and it wasn't an easy converstion. It was alot of me talking, him agreeing and watching telly! I looked at the side of his face most of the convo. he said that he didn't favouritise the children and that he dealt with ss appropiately for his age. He said that he never gets a chance to discipline his son because I am always shouting at him, he said that because of that my ss is aggressive. he didn't deny the problems my ss has but doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong by giving in to him occasionally and allowing him some grace.

He said that he didn't understand why I had left it til it was this bad before I said something and was prepared to do whatever I wanted in terms of changing the discipline and house rules.

By the end I was fuming with frustration, he told me what I wanted to hear but didn't agree with me on anything I said, he doesn't see what I see, simple. I asked him to go away and think about his son and his future. he's still not got back to me.

He is only hurting his son for several obvious reasons but he is also going to end up alienating the youngest son because the other kids are going to get resentful because of the unfair treatment....it's just a time bomb. Maybe I missed it in your post but have you pointed that out? Eventually it will only be the two of them with everyone else around resenting them.

I think the best motto in a blended family situation is what is good for one is good for all....now the problem is just making everyone see that....I am sorry for all of you.

Also, please remember that your son looks to you for protection and guidance and you may just have to protect him from a bad situation that could change who he is if your BF doesn't realize what he is doing before it's too late.

God Bless

He couldve at least had the courtesy to turn the tv off during such a serious talk too.

my bf being who he is, wasn't ready to talk on tuesday but was ready on thursday and we had a very productive talk and him agreed with what I had said tuesday and we both admitted we had done things wrong. I read a thread posted by thurman about respect and realised that I hadn't really being showing my ss respect so why would he then show it to me! tbh I sometimes overreact to him as I find everything he does irratating, annoying and out of order but alot of what he does is to get that effect. There are things I can do to try and improve our relationships and there are things my bf needs to do as well if anything is going to be successfully. he admitted he was fovouritising his son because he felt threatened by me and was protecting him from being screamed and shouted at all the time.

The weekend was surprising successfully my bf was firm and fair with all the children and my ss hated it and pushed his dad all weekend I took advice from the 'respect' thread and disengaged myself from the arguements between the pair and my ss's stupid behaviour around the house as I think he does this for attention. I have made a reward chart and made a visual poster of our house laws when these are broken consequences agreed between my bf, myself and my ss means he and my bf know what happens when ss steps put of line.

I dobn't know if there is anything more I can do at the moment other than sit back, watch and wait!

It won't happen overnight but give it time ... refer to the charts everytime something comes up ... Why make yourself ragged over issues that are already posted. Praise any accomplishment by SS and BF ... may seem like minor things but even a please or thank you should be praised. They catch on when things are expected of them and rewarded for doing it.

On friday nights I head to the video store ... I check the charts to see who has done what .. My SKs line up to see if they earned enough to rent a movie or get a game. Then they bargain between themselves who is going to get a movie or a game so they get the most out of a visit to the video store. (takes more points to get a game than a movie)