lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is so good....caught him out good and proper!!! Tina

Sent that on to a friend who would appreciate it

Cathy

I like it.

I decided to add another couple to give us all a laugh and lighten things up a bit.

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. Her name is pronounced Peek-A-Boo.
She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280 .... Please be careful!"
"Shoot," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Here are the top reasons why gardening is better than sex:
#25 - Gardeners are not embarrassed explaining the birds and the bees to their kids.
#24 - If your regular gardening partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you garden with someone else.
#23 - It's absolutely acceptable to garden before you're married.
#22 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against gardening.
#21 - You don't have to shower and shave before gardening.
#20 - You'll always be able to garden, no matter how old you are.
#19 - You'l never hear anyone say: "Is gardening all you ever think about?"
#18 - You don't have to hide your Gardening magazines.
#17 - Telling gardening jokes, and invite co-workers to garden with you is not considered workplace harassment.
#16 - Email with gardening content is not considered offensive material.
#15 - When you become famous, you don't have to worry about pictures and videotapes of you gardening being shown on the Internet.
#14 - Your gardening partner doesn't get upset about people you gardened with a long time ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to enjoy gardening with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good gardener, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you gardening together.
#11 - Every time you garden, you hope to produce fruit.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you garden by yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a gardening pro, you never have to wonder if they're really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy gardening stuff.
#7 - You can have a gardening related calendar on your wall at the office.
#6 - There are no gardening-transmitted diseases.
#5 - No one objects if you watch the gardening channel on television.
#4 - Nobody expects you to garden with the same person your whole life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up gardening if your partner loses interest.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 - Your partner will never say, "Not again? We just gardened last week! "

You dont have to garden with the lights off if you are out of shape......

A man goes to the zoo. When he gets there, there is only one dog. It was a shitzu.

I love it MQ more please!!

Famous Predictions

"Everything that can be invented has been invented" --- Charles H. Duell,
Office of Patents, 1899

"There will never be a bigger plane built," --- A Boeing engineer, after
the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten people.

"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this
profitless locality." --- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon
in 1861.

"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be
obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at
will." --- Albert Einstein, 1932

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." ---
Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

"It will be years- not in my time- before a woman will become Prime
Minister." --- Margaret Thatcher, 1974

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry
isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market." --- Business Week,
August 2, 1968

"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --- Ken
Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication." --- Western Union memo, 1876

"No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody
in particular?" --- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging
investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"Who wants to hear actors talk?" --- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." --- Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone With The
Wind.

"Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
chewy cookies like you make." --- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs.
Fields' Cookies

"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." --- Hewlett
Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers." --- Thomas J.
Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." ---
Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
whatsoever." --- Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre

"Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau." --- Irving Fisher,
Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping."
--- U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially it is an impossibility." --- Lee DeForest,
inventor

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
X-rays...

Boy there are some red faces among that lot! Its hard to pick a favourite. I wonder what the Decca executive is doing for a living these days.

I don't know about that lot but I LOVE MQs contribution.

MQ's reminded me of this dog one i found a while ago

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShiTzu
Oh, never mind.....

Hi guys, loving all the great jokes. I read this one recently and thought you might like it. While reading it I was just imagining it being read in John Cleese's voice. LOL

To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
   The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
   You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
   Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for...

Good one Jules, Im disappointed tho that they werent going to be forced to play cricket as well (probably attention span problems) LOL

I thought that was great and yes, I can imagine John Cleese saying that.

oh yes, I thoroughly enjoyed that and I can just SEE John Cleese's face while he said.
I particularly loved nos. 14,7,5 and 6.

Wonderful, it never ceases to amaze me how people think these things up.
Thank goodnes they do it make great reading and they [THEY] say a good laugh every day is good for you.!!
Marion, who hopes you keem the jokes coming, we all need more of it.

Here are a few more.

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is an 8-Step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works;

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See... You're smiling already!

_______________________________________

This one is a little bit rude though depends on the way you think :) but it certainly makes you think differently about chocolate.

It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a River cruise, they met on the Top Deck, It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was an Old Jamaican. They walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block. They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said "Sure...Take 5 ". They Decided to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.
On the way out he bought her some Roses, She said they were her Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero. He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie.
She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on. He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards right you might get lucky aftertea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint! " At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, They felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.
They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & nuts, But then she said "Stop!" He though she was a Malteaser, But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper. He...

Hi, GH, I love them!!! ROFLMAO

Cheers, Jules

A few more - it's amazing what you find when you're looking for gardening jokes for kids:)

Dear Auntie, what are seniors worth? Well dear, remember old folks are worth a fortune- with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.
Frankly I have become a frivolous old girl. IÂm seeing seven gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake Will Power helps me out of bed, then I go and see John, next itÂs time for Uncle Toby to come followed by Billy T.
They leave me and Arthur Ritus shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesnÂt like to stay in the one place very long, he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day IÂm really tired and glad to go to bed with Johnny Walker, what a life! Oh yes IÂm really tired of flirting with Al Zymer.
____________________________________________

The Ultimate Chicken Joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit p@*#*d off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and snorts, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question!"
__________________________________

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, *#!* this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
________________________________

Great Truths About Growing Old

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is your only means of relaxation.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, think how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to create a pleasant atmosphere for them, and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
You find that if you just hang something in your closet for a while, it amazingly shrinks two sizes.
You realize that if you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Your mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
You choose your cereal...

So which came first? The chicken or the egg?

There was once a man who decided to do what the old advertisement advised us. He decided he would "Go to town on an egg".
When he arrived home that night, his neighbour asked him how did it go?
"Well at first", the man told his neighbour, "I couldn't get it started, but then I remembered to pull out the yoke"
"How did it go then" asked the neighbour.
"All white"

That's an eggcellently bad pun. You should be ova the moon with that one.

It really cracked me up.

It's hideous. It would have to be the worst joke I have ever hears - which is probably why I have always remembered it :-)

Come on confess its your favourite!!

You guys are worse than my husband :-) He is always doing that, really scrambles my brain

Sparaxis,

I thought you remembered it because it was so well constructed. Did you know it was written by a Pullet-Surprise winner?

2 eagles were waiting to board a flight at the airport. Each bird had a dead rabbit under each arm. They were stopped by the flight attendant and told of the rules.
Only one carrion per ticket.

This is the wrong post for that joke, YQ.
It should be in the one named "the WORST JOKE/PUN"!!
Isn't it terrible how many baaaad jokes/puns we all know?

As it is nearly Christmas time I thought you all would like to try out a couple of recipes. I haven't tested them so hope they're ok :)

CHRISTMAS CAKE
INGREDIENTS
1 cup water 1 cup sugar, 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp salt, Nuts, Bottle of Rum

INSTRUCTIONS
Sample the rum to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the rum again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour 1 cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again. Make sure the rum is still O.K. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turnerer. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum. Now sift the lomen juice and strain your nuts. Add J table. Sppon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn'the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turnerer. Throw the bowl but the window, check the rum again and go to bed.

How to Cook a Turkey

Ingredients
Turkey
Whiskey ...
or, Scotch
Directions:
Go buy a turkey. Take a drink of whiskey (or scotch). Put turkey in the oven. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey . Set the degree at 375 ovens.
Take 3 more whiskeys of drink. Turn oven the on. Take 4 whisks of drinky. Turk the bastey. Whiskey another bottle of get.
Stick a turkey in the thermometer. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Take the oven out of the turkey. Take the oven out of the turkey. Floor the turkey up off of the pick. Turk the carvey. Get yourself another scottle of botch. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

ROTFL!! Love it. Better than any recipes I've tried before but substitute brandy for rum please.
Cheers,
Dee.

Nah just have both!!

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I canÂt believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
He continued, "And I sent that stupid little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start.

Ah goldhills, this is my favourite Christmas joke!!!

Robyn, that would have to be my favourite too. I found another one also when I was looking for ones suitable for kids. Most weren't any good for kids but I had a good laugh.

I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
o Men can't pack a bag.
o Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
o Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
o Men don't answer their mail.
o Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
o Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
o Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
o Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
o Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
o Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
o Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point...

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a lifespan of twenty years."
The dog said, "ThatÂs too long to be barking. Give me ten years and IÂll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. IÂll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I donÂt think so. Dog gave you back ten, so thatÂs what IÂll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. IÂll give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "ThatÂs kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and IÂll give you back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. IÂll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, IÂll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay."
"Okay," said God, "You got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the veranda and bark at everyone.
And thatÂs life explained.

____________________________________

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide ... he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Boom Boom :))

Sounds like something (Max someone - sorry can't remember theother name ) an old English comedian would come out with.

Here are a couple of versions of Twas the night before Christmas. The first one isn't funny but I thought it was nice.

The Night before Christmas for Moms

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!", he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin;
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
I'll shop. I'll read. I'll sleep a whole night through!"
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared...and wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you too,"
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry Santa, no deal.
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,"
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, you'll be all right.

A Parent's Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet
(not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced
the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing or
parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right,
it goes...

I went to the US Patent Office yesterday trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" A Fottle", I replied. What else do you have?" A folding carton." What do you call it?" A Farton." She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude." I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.