Unfortunately, I have to disagree with your stance on this, however, I must say that I agree that Dad's selfishness should not mean the child is punished; you are right on there. BUT, at 6 years old, I don't believe the child should be able to make the "choice" on whether or not he see his father. I say this assuming that the father is pretty dependable on the weekends he does have the child. Is he? When he says he's coming to pick up the child, does he? I believe that allowing a child this young to decide for himself what he wants to do, that you are establishing a precedent that will be difficult to undo. Truth is, none of us get what we want "all the time". Soon enough, a time will come when the child will be able to make choices; to go to the school dance, to go on a weekend camping trip, etc., and the bio-dad will have to begin making some accommodations. I think this is one of those situations where you have to pick your fights, and hope that by the time this child is 11 or 12 that his bio-dad will understand and empathize with the child and begin to compromise. I just think it's a bit early for this child to know what's most important. In saying all of this, though, I can surely understand your frustration. It doesn't seem fair, but there will be many more birthday parties occurring on the weekends when bio-dad is not scheduled to have him. Best of luck, and I surely hope that this works out to your ss's advantage in the long run.

We are going through a similar situation with my daughters' summer visitation. My ex and I had agreed earlier to dates for them to go visit this summer, but in the last month or so, some of their activities now have conflicts during what would be their first week with him (Big end of the year trip with Brownies, last softball game and closing ceremonies with picnic). My girls were disappointed when they found out they would have to miss those events. In the past, they have missed birthday parties and skating trips, but these are things that they have worked hard at or sold cookies for, and now they may be unable to go. I wrote an email to their father asking if he could possibly shift the visitation one week so that they can attend. I have not heard back yet, so I don't know what the response is.

My feeling is this: He can choose to change the dates or not change them, and we will follow his decision, and my daughters know this. There will come a time though, if he is never considerate of their activities/events, when they will resent having to go see him instead of going to a birthday party or whatever. It will come down to picking and choosing. I don't think children should have the choice of going or not at a very young age, but if they are always missing "special" events for a visitation, and the parent is not flexible, there will be resentment...

Good luck!

Thanks for that, Hopdrop and Stacie.

My question is not so much whether the kid should have his own way. I agree he is too young for that.

My question is really this: what exactly are the boyÂs best interests? Are they to develop himself in social situations and to build friends, or to spend time with a guy who basically let him down all those years ago?

As a child myself I can recall some of my own friends who could never make this or that because of visiting a non-resident parent. Pretty soon, they stopped getting invited because people knew they were unavailable. I feel they missed out on a lot of their childhood. And once those days are gone, it is too bad  you canÂt get your childhood back again.

I feel it is really important for children to connect with their peers, which means being a participator in things. Birthday parties are special occasions that are part of the social glue that binds people together, and I want my ss to be part of that.

I cannot help thinking the matter is being left to a man who really doesnÂt have the childÂs interests at heart (i.e. the father who wants to do what suits him) and I would hate to think the childhood of an innocent person is at the mercy of such a person.

Well, I am of the mind that the boy would suffer more, in the long run, if he doesn't spend time with bio-dad. I do agree that there are a plethora of activities which allow childen to bond with their peers, and you did mention that because of the travel time, bio-dad only takes his son on long weekends, so I doubt that there will be too much interference. I do strongly agree, though, with what Stacie said in that this child will grow to resent his father if he consistently gets in the way of the child's social outlets. His father will eventually have to maintain some level of flexibility or run the risk of alienating his son. I agree that the social aspect of this child's life is critical, however, I also believe that between school, and after school activities, and all the other social outlets he has, he will not suffer as a result of missing this birthday party. I applaud your concern for your stepson, and I hope that you continue to be this protective and empathetic toward him in the future.

I don't know what your and the boy's mother's relationship is with the boy's father, but I think it might be a fair compromise to have the boy's father come visit the boy for the weekend, instead of the father taking him away. Could he stay the weekend in your spare room? Maybe he could stay with family or friends in the area? Maybe he could stay at a hotel with the boy - have a "mini-vacation" with him right in his own hometown? If this is not a possibility, 2 1/2 hours is not a long drive for a two day visit (in my opinion anyway, I do it all the time) - can he come early Sunday and return him Monday night?

At 6, the boy is too young to be demanding his own way, but this situation can be looked at another way: If this birthday party is for his truly best friend in the world, and all the kids in the class will be there, and it's going to be THE party of the year (for him) then maybe it's time both sets of parents start to make compromises for the sake of the child. Step children, especiallly those without siblings, often cling to friends a lot closer than children whose parents are still together, so you need to make his father understand how important this party is to him. As both hopdrop and stacie alluded to, there will soon come a time when the child's social life MUST be considered when scheduling visitations, lest he be resentful. Letting him attend this party would be a gesture that would not soon be forgotten - the child will learn that when something really important (to him) comes up, all parents will be supportive and make a best attempt at compromise.

You say that if the father picks him up after the party, "Saturday will be ruined." For who? The boy will have had a great Saturday. Surely the father can forego a few hours with his son to spend the rest of the weekend with a happy child than one who is resentful or melancholy because he missed a party that he really looked forward to attending.

Since the dad doesn't see his son that often, I would send the son for his visitation. If he lived closer and saw his son more often, then I would think it may be better to let him attend the party. But since he only goes for visits on the occasional long weekend his time with his dad is special, plus he will have plenty of other weekends to attend other parties and activities.
I sometimes encounter this type of situation with my kids. My daughters do not see their father that often- he works and lives out of state, so when he makes plans to spend a weekend with them occasionally that takes precendence over their other activities. They don't spend weekends with him often enough for it to effect them socially, even if they do miss an event here or there. On the other hand, my stepson goes with his mother every other weekend, and sometimes he has parties or activities he would miss if he went, so she will either spend less time with him on her weekend, or she will switch her visit to the next weekend when he is free. And we only do this for the "important" events that he really wants to attend. Since he spends so much time with her, he would miss out socially if she wasn't flexible about letting him stay home for certain activities.
I don't think missing this one party is going to have an effect on your son. Perhaps you could invite his friend over for a playdate and dinner so your son can help him celebrate his birthday another day?

Gee this this such a great site to come too it has been such a comfort to me.I to have the same issues as this one.When i was excepting our first child togather(he has three already 13,11,7),i had a hospital appointment which fell on a saturday morning.My partner had his kids for the weekend,we lived in the city at the time which is a 45 min drive from the kids home.The oldest was invited to a b'day party up near his home,my partner insisted on driving his son to the party which was in the morning as well.He said he didnt want his son to miss out on it saying his own mum at the time never took him to parties when he was little and he didnt want his son to end up resenting him.?So he droped me off at the hospital 9 mths pregnant and said he would try to make it back,,he missed it all and found me waiting at the bus stop for him as he was way late getting back to me.I have the same view as everyone on here,it was important to me for him to be there for me,and as i said to him his son knew he was comming to stay with DAd(dad has them every second weekend and sticks to it too)and that if his son really wanted to go to the party he should of stayed home with his mum.No wonder after reading back how some sp's can feel second to the kids,as i said just some,cheers

I think that this is just the first of many visitation conflicts to come. As your ss gets older, he will most likely be involved in a lot more activities...like sports. I think that his father needs to be aware of this and accept the fact that the boy isn't shunning him but just being a normal kid and experiencing normal kid things. I really think that your ss should go to the party and that his father should be understanding and make concessions for the weekend and just be glad that he still has the opportunity to be with his son. Even when your own kids live with you, their schedules aren't convenient. I have had to re-arrange schedules and make sacrafices because of my kids activities, but I did it because I wanted my kids to be able to pursue their interests. If your ss father insists that the boy give up his interests, then he is risking having him resent him later.

I think that in the long run, the party will be a non-event, but time spent with his Dad will be forever!!!

parties come and go, a relationship with Dad is more important in the long run.

I am of the opinion that this is a situation where a compromise can be reached, and so it should. Your SS is not saying that he does not want to go with his dad - he is just saying that he wants to go at a later time, certainly not to much to ask. It is not the childs fault that his dad lives so far away. As to whether or not he should be able to decide for himself - of course an adult should have final say but I believe that he definately should have an opinion in his own life as long as it is not like a choice to stop bathing or going to school etc., it will help him to grow up and be strong and independent, It's not like he is saying he doesn't want to be with his dad - he is just asking that his dad work with him so that he can do both, and spending one less Saturday with his dad is not going to have an affect in the long run, but forcing him to go an miss the party just might.

I think if your ss is forced to go with his father, he will become resentful. His bio- father should understand the importance of friends at his age, and let his son go to party and pick him up afterwards, or even go with him for that matter. With kids that young the parents often stay at the party. Anyway whatever your decsion, It should probably be your ss's mother to intervene, It would probably go over better. Let us know how it turns out.
~Kelly~

What if the dad has planned an outing? What if he bought tickets to a special event? Would disappoint a friend you agreed to see, just because a better offer came along?

Not only do I think parent relationships are more important than parties (especially at this age), but I think it is common courtesy to follow through on committments.

Vikkijo makes a good point: if the father has something special planned for their visit then that too must be taken into consideration.

As I read her post, however, I wondered, what happens when bio-dad has something special planned for a weekend that conflicts with the scheduled visits with his son - something that does NOT include son? Does he call up and say I have to do such-and-such or go here-and-there this weekend so I can't take the boy?

Missing one day of a scheduled visit (or even the entire weekend) is not going to have long-term (or short term for that matter!) deleterious effects on their relationship. It will, however, make for one sad and possibly resentful little boy, at least for that Saturday. We all remember times when we really, really wanted to do something or go somewhere but our parents made us do something else. I guess it just depends on exactly how important this party is to the boy. We might think "its just a B-day party, there will be plenty more." But you must look at it through HIS eyes and compromise if necessary - maybe his friend is moving and it will be his last party, maybe his friend is going to another school next year and he won't see him as much, maybe the parents of the B-day boy have something very special and fun planned for the party that he'd really enjoy and always wanted to try, like rock climbing or paint ball.

Through a child's eyes things are much larger than what we as parents perceive. It's not always "just another B-day party."

Thanks for your input. I'm not aware of any competing commitments at that time. And no, the father has never pulled out, but then again, he only arranges these visits irregularly when his diary is free.

I know one day isn't going to make a difference.

My bigger issue is that I feel stupid encouraging ss to view visits with his father as important enough to override other events. The father tells us their relationship is sacred , he is the biological father, creator of life etc, blah blah as if he is royalty. To me it is just delusion and a case of PC-gone-mad. This revered status just helps selfish adults feel better. But any idiot can have sex and walk away from the offspring  there are no Nobel Prizes for that!

The son seems to know itÂs a sham (i.e. seems disinterested and goes through the motions, though doesnÂt act that way with adults he really loves). Frankly, I'm not surprised. By walking out, his father effectively told his son to get along in life without him, and that is exactly what this little boy is happily doing!

Does it matter whether this is a sham or not? My ss shouldnÂt have to pay any price to indulge this masquerade  he should only see his father when it suits HIM. Also, I donÂt think my ss should be encouraged to honour a person who has let him down at a vulnerable time in life. It goes against my values. If someone did that to me, I would try to forgive but probably wouldnÂt honour or revere that person.

My son should see his father  I donÂt want him growing up feeling curious. But visits are for the boy's benefit, not the father's, who should be a visitor, not a major player.

I'm not saying all non-resident fathers should be in this basket. Many are responsible and caring, and have built good bonds. Those relationships should be respected. Not ratbags who jump ship early.

Thanks again for your views.

Just out of curiosity -- since this thread is over 3 months old now -- could the biofather take the SS to the party? Things don't necessarily have to be either-or.

As it happened (back first week of May), ss father collected him after the party from the usual neutral meeting place. He had no choice, given he didnÂt know where the party was. His father collected him around 4.30 after the party.

My wife and I ended up helping at the party (we have become friends with birthday boyÂs parents). Although I can deal with my ss father in a business-like way at handovers etc, I prefer not to include him in our family social activities so I am unlikely to ever suggest he comes along.

Thanks for your advice anyhow.