If you block someone on facebook, it disables them from seeing anything you post & disables you from seeing anything they post. In the privacy settings, you can control who sees your posts, pics & everything else but someone that is not blocked may be able to inadvertently see your post anyway. At least that has happened with me. The safest way to make sure she won't see anything you post is to click on her page, even if it's a private page, it allows the option to block this person. (where it says report/block this person) and after that, let SD deal with her own mother. Don't worry about anything you do upsetting her... your existence will upset her so trying to talk & rationalize with her will only throw fuel on the fire. What she is doing, is destroying her own relationship with her daughter. Eventually, the daughter will have had enough & limit contact or stand up to her & force the mom to step back. It has nothing to do with you.

Forgot to mention, that SD has me blocked from her facebook. She refuses to accept me as her "friend" (yet she'll be friends with all my family and for some reason my family adores her) and after i friended her she blocked me. I see her posts through using my husband's facebook account. DH won't respond to her posts and thinks its best to ignore them. I agree with ignoring it, but doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. I just have to come to terms with the fact that even though i've been a stepmom for decades, SD will never want a relationship with me. You can't force a relationship on someone who doesn't want one. Both people have to want the relationship for it to work, it can't be one sided of one person trying and the other person not caring at all. If one wants the relationship and the other doesn't, there's no way to make that relationship work. Its just hard to feel like absolutely nothing to SD and to know she only tolerates me, and if DH should die before me, we'll have nothing to do with eachother ever again as if all those years as my husband's wife meant absolutely nothing to her. But again I can't force it if she isn't receptive to it. But then i see pictures (through DH's facebook) of her doing tons of stuff with her mom and inlaws, going on vacation with them, both biograndmas being very involved and it does make me sad. And it makes me sick that SD posts about how important family is. I guess only family that is important to her is her mom and inlaws. DH and I are the family that are only tolerated and we'll always be the third wheel cause SD's mom and inlaws always come first.

I agree that mistake #1 is letting a kid decide to go live elsewhere 'BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE THE RULES'... I mean duh! what kid likes the rules and wouldn't want to go live where they think they can get away with more? When you abdicate your parental authority to the grandparents and they are not savvy enough to watch her.. or they are older & don't have the energy to keep up with what she's doing or whatever the reason... I don't get why people think that it's okay to send their kids off to grandparents to raise, especially when they cannot control them themselves. And the he wants to be able to exert some control from his recliner? (Sorry, I just get a mental picture of a guy, relaxing in his easy chair... yelling at kids to stop jumping on the bed.. but he's too lazy to go into the next room and see what they are doing or make them stop. and then gets really mad at them for not listening when someone falls off and gets hurt!) The only advice I can give is to tell your DH to get off his easy chair and go get his daughter and BE A PARENT to her. It ain't easy and he may not get the results he wants, but if he's going to send her to live with anyone else, he has no right whatsoever to complain about what happens...

Ceph- I totally agree. The lack of holding her responsible is making the situation worse as time goes on, that is what I have been seeing. Plus you got it right, how does one "help" her want to succeed? I have said it before, when she sees things as "too hard" then she just gives up and quits. lonepiper- thank you. I have times when I do have to disengage, and probably have to again. The yo yo-ing is tough. One time I think i might disengage and never return. You know? My son doesn't care how she does in school because he seemed to realize at some point this year that his grades really are important, so that is one big reason why he brought his two grades up. He is used to seeing her get "the breaks" as you say, because all she has to do is flash her doe eyes and cry and people seem to crumble and give in to her in some way. barb5- I have been in this girls life since she was two years old. This is not just some whim of mine. This is years of trying and putting myself out there for her. ADD? oh puleez. No, there is no chance of that. @@ She only recently started doing crappy in school. She is perfectly capable of the C's that were all that was asked of her. As for the positive reinforcement...preachin' to the choir. I know. I just said in my post that we have been more than accommodating to her, and giving her praise for getting her dishes done @@, thanking her when she managed to vacuum the rugs for me ONE day....yeah, there is praise, thanks, etc....but like I said, she got an inch and took a mile. She got worse. Kkny-kiss my a@@ I am not one of the step parents who has only been at this for a few years or less. I have been in my skids lives since they were very little. I know them. I have been there for them, I have cared for them and loved them. I know all about counseling, testing, all of it. We have been through hell and back with these kids. If i want to vent then I damn well will. I will hear you out, but I will put you in your place when you are done. Because like I said, I am not a step parent who has not been around this block a million times. In the beginning their bio mom spread lies and rumors about their dad and I, and even accused him of being the father of my oldest son. He was 2 when we met! They lived in a small town, that is where my dh grew up, he doesn't even go back there because of that bit2h and her family. He sold the house he lived in there. We have taken my ss in when his mother would throw him out. We talked to authorities and reported them when the kids told us of abuses. We tried to work with her and help her in the beginning to be a better mom to the kids. In the end we just assume never talk to her. It is better that way. It was my mistake to think that she could be worked with and be a decent human being. The entire story is just way too long to even get into....but let me just say.....I have done my best for these kids, and I get nothing in return...such is the life of a step parent. I accepted it and I still accept it. If I want to vent and rant here where there are other step moms who have been in my shoes then i will. Like I said, you can post your opinions without knowing my full story but be prepared to get your a@@ shot down for it too. I am not perfect, but I know how to be a parent and a step parent. I am well educated and I have worked with many many at risk children and foster children to know troubled when I see it.