Have you tried family counseling? You might want to BEFORE the situation gets worse. It's tough when one parent acts like a playmate rather than a parent. I think alot of her behavior is just the teenager coming out but since she has an "escape" (ie. going to live with a playmate who will not set boundries) it has just made your situation worse. Good luck and best of luck.

Steve -
Can you occasionally hit the ENTER key and make paragrpahs. I'm getting confused trying to follow the issues.

It's more than the usual

"Well, now we find out that SD is working with BioFather to move down to his home, and that she Hates us totally, and wants BioFather to go to court to get custody etc. She especially hates me as her StepFather as tells her friends how much I am ruining her life and that she "doesn't get along with me" etc."
I think BioFather is instigating a lot of this ... and as he's miles away, she only hears what he wants to tell her, and he doesn't have to live with the brat he's creating.

Maybe sending her to him for a semester would be a good thing (consider it: no friends, new school, strange town, absentee dad ... not exactly a paradise for her.)

Family counseling, with you explaining your concerns about the BioDad and his life style, and about what he's putting her up to, and the kind of life she'd be living there, might help.

I am sorry to say that this is typical behavior of a 14 year old especially one with a BioDad that wants to look like to good guy. Not that it makes it right, just typical. Continue to enforce the rules your have had in your household all along. I hate to say it, but it will probably get worse before it gets better. Her hormones are raging and anyone who promises an easy road is going to be the winner. I had the same problem with my SD. Do not let her play you against your wife or you and your wife against BioDad. Continue to tell her you love her and it will just eat her alive that you are being so kind to her. She is shutting you out because she knows that it bothers you and she is hoping that you will just give in. Don't do this, if you let it happen once, she has won and you have lost. Counseling may help, but she will resent it and you, because she doesn't see anything wrong with her actions. She also does not see her Bio as irresponsible, he is just so fun. She is spreading her wings and it is your job to keep those wings from spreading too far too fast. Stay tough and remember that it is not you she hates, it is the rules that she sees as unfair. You are an easy target since you are not her Bio, even though you have been in a father role since she was 5. I hope your wife is sticking up for you when she bashes you to her. If she does not, this will allow SD to put a wedge between you. Believe me, my SD has done this as well.

I also have 2 boys of my own. One is 15 and the other 10. My Ex also plays the no rules at my house game and I have had to contend with my boys unhappiness at the rules at my house too. They are with me 2 weeks and their Dad 2 weeks each month. Believe me, I have heard, "I want to go live with Dad, it is better at his house". Yes, it hurts, but I know in my heart that I am providing them with the guidance that they need to become functioning adults in society.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing. There are alot of great people on this site that can provide the support you need to get through this.

This is unfortunately typical actions for her age. Having biodad being an instigator is definitely not helpful. But, as the commercials say, kids WANT rules and structure, no matter how much they act/say that they don't.

In addition to the good advice you'll get here, please go over to www.divorceonline.com There is a bulletin board called He Said...She Said. Outstanding!

You will get some amazing advice there. (note:there are a few jerky people there, just ignore them. most are fabulous)

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting a teen. I am the Bio-Mom and my daughter hates me. She says I'm a mean Mom and my reply is "Thank you - I guess I must be doing my job". There is not much you can do but stay the course and seek counseling. You may also want to do some research to find out if the BD can even take her out of the state. My daughter is now 18 and starting to act like a human being again. I stress "starting." She never did anything really bad - she just always tried to push the envelope on every step. She is actually turning into a very responsible young woman.

I've got a lot of gray hair from that child. Our son is now 17 and we haven't had one moment of grief with him. If I had two like that - I would have been on prozac.

Perhaps the courts have seen enough of this teenage behavior to see through it. However, I have often been shocked and dismayed by some of the decisions I have seen made in court. Even if it does lead to her moving away, you can rest assured that she will someday realize all that you did for her. She will realize how lucky she was to have you for a Dad. Good Luck!

I agree with the other posters that this is some of the typical obnoxious behavior of a teen ager.
I am a stepmom of two girls and they were 16 and 18 when their dad and I married 2 yrs. ago. I completely agree that kids this age need guidelines and structure.
You seem to be trying very hard to do the right thing and unfortunately, your stepdaughter probably won't appreciate it until she is older. You can't be their buddy AND their parent at the same time. As another said, keep telling her that you love her and don't let this come between you and your wife. My husband and I have many discussions about similar concerns. We both agreed that it is important to remain united when the kid start pulling "...but dad/mom lets me do this.." Kids are smart and they don't hesitate to play one parent against the other.
Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

Hi Folks, and Thank You for the great comments and insight into my situation with SD. These responses have helped me a lot, and please know that I appreciate your help here. My wife and I are most concerned with the sudden interest that SD has now in going down to spend time with BioFather, knowing that BioFather is intent on providing her with the things that we are trying to limit, such as slutty clothing, piercings, buying her affection with gifts, and the supposedly secret planning to move down with him, etc. SD never really wanted to go down and visit with BioFather up until this last year when SD felt the limits of basic rules in our home. We are concerned with SD's safety and development when with BioFather, however we do not want to deny her requests to go down and visit her Biofather as he is providing plane tickets, etc. This is all such a change in posture for our SD.

My wife and I have decided to stay the course with our consistent love, structure and rules at home, and to let this play out for a while. We are also going to meet with a counseler to get a professional opinion on our exact situation. After some SD/Biofather visits take place (second one will be next weekend for 3 days, recall that BioFather lives 1,500 miles away so plane travel is required), and hopefully a professional opinion in hand, we will decide if individual/family counseling is appropriate.

Has anyone here had a similiar situation take place with a stepchild over the teen years? Any experience to share from the "other side" looking back with experience. And most important, has anyone here achieved a loving/appreciation adult relationship with a SD after the turbulent teen years? Is it that the BioFather will always receive the love/appreciation, and the StepFather receives less of the same? I know that this may sound like a silly question, however at this moment it is so painful to hear all of the negative emotion from SD directed to me as the StepFather and only positive stuff about the BioFather. Any experiences would be helpful here.

I will only comment that if your SD is cursing at you, ignoring you, yelling at you etc., that needs to be dealt with too. Families show each other respect and nasty behavior should not be tolerated.

As for the future, nobody can predict, but in my opinion she will snap out of this and know who really loved her and worried about her. I hope this happens soon for you!

This did happen with my SS. When I came into the family, he was 17. His BioMom really messed him ie: telling him his father loved his sister more than him, etc. So after we married, he decided he wanted to live with us too. SD had also made this choice. He and I didn't see eye to eye. He was looking at this as a cash cow situation. He wouldn't follow the household rules, consistently cut school and lied about it all. He and I finally came to blows and he was asked to move out. About a year later, he had a good job and was having trouble with his mother and asked if he could move back in. I knew this was going to be trouble, but my husband wanted to give him 2nd chance. So SS works for 3 months and gets fired. Of course, my husband had already co-signed a car lease for him, so we were not stuck with the payments for the remaining 21 months. He was once again asked to move out since he wouldn't work and seemed to think the household rules were for everyone but him. It was strained for quite some time, but he is now 22 and in the Airforce. He has admitted to his father that he was wrong about things back then and said that he realizes that we were really trying to help him. He says that he wants to make up for his bad behavior. He still thinks his Dad should be his personal loan officer and that money grows on trees, but he is very respectful of the household when he is visiting. I can only hope that my SD comes to the same realization. We/I have had a very tough road with her. She leaves on Feb 3rd for basic training.

This too will pass (keep saying that for the next six years). My daughter was 13 when my husband and I married. She calls him her Dad, her old man (she calls her Dad Ed) - she even decided to go live with Dad/Ed (that lasted two weeks). She also is the only child my husband has (helped) raise.

The most important things are: love her, be there for here, make reasonable rules and stick with them.

Good luck, Carolyn

Hi Folks! Everyone here has been very helpful, and I wanted to update you all on our present situation.

My SD was getting so extremely angry at both me and her mother, that we did set up counseling for SD (14 1/2 yrs old) and, seperately for just my wife and me. The counselor for SD is a female who specializes in working with teen girls, and is uniquely set up to work with SD after some initial input from her mother to get things started. So far, SD has not opened up much to the counselor, and feels that she does not have any problems. SD's counselor says that it takes a while for teens to open up and they are making very slow progress. Frankly, I do not see any benefit yet, however it is probably to early anyway.

My wife and I have also started working with a seperate therapist to help us as a couple (and parents) learn, grow, and make changes to help strengthen our marriage. After a number of meetings the therapist (who is very good in my opinion), has confirmed that I must, as the Step-parent, move out of the authoritarian role, and operate at most as a partner and support person to SD's mother. Problem is ( and has always been), SD's mother just does not want to be the authority person, she can't tolerate this role, and as a result I was constantly being pushed by BioMom into the lead authority role. Therefore, a lot of the therapy work right now is with BioMom to help her get stronger to take the lead parenting authority role, with my support of course. Funny thing is, I had been asking for this change for years, and sometimes it takes an outside person to make the observations stick.

Our current problem, and one I would really appreciate some thoughts from you folks on, is the that SD is focusing most all of her anger and resentment onto me. I have always been loving, diplomatic, and kind to her (while doing everything a full time father does for a daughter). However, I was usually the one who would pay attention to what she was doing and sometimes catching her breaking major rules. Then I would be pushed by BioMom into taking the lead role in dicipline. This did not happen often, as she is a pretty good kid, up until this last 1 1/2 years. Recall that absentee BioFather is way down in Florida and her "kid-buddy" right now, offering her just fun, gifts, and good times (as well as trying to get her to move in with him and girlfriend). Question/concern is; how do I handle the anger and resentment that is coming my way so often. SD is telling her BioFather she "hates" "can't stand" me etc. and is keeping this same line with her friends as best we can tell. SD says that "I am ruining her life." Nothing could be farther from the truth, however SD is now taken to this attitude. I am sure that BioFather is encouraging this. How do you all suggest that I might turn this situation around? Is this mainly due to the "target" that all step-parents are at this age, and the fact that I was the occasional authoritarian? When do you think she might get past this stage?

For my part, I am no longer in the authoritarian role, BioMom is and has told SD this. I am just continuing to be there for SD, concentrating on the positives between us, and leaving her alone when she won't speak to me. Anything more I might do?? I knew that my wife and I had our roles reversed, and now we are fixing that, however to an extent the damage has been done with SD's perception of me. I would like to hope that SD and I can regain the wonderful relationship we had from SD's age of 5 through 12, when it then all suddenly changed so much. Any encouragement, experience, or insight would be sincerely appreciated. Thank you all very much!

My opinion: Your SD is developing all these new feelings and emotions that come with puberty (welcome to womanhood). It usually takes awhile to learn how to cope with these hormonal changes. I see it with my friends that have young teenage daughters. I believe that it is normal for girls to take it all out on their mothers. Since you played a major role on moms side, you are being sucked in.

Just stay strong and keep trying to connect with SD. I believe, in time this will pass and SD will come out of this with even greater respect and admiration for you.

My kids are littler, and I'm no expert.

But lately I'm trying, when I am pointing out that they're doing something wrong, to emphasize that they ARE good kids in general, that they've always been easy to know, etc. I'm hoping that this praise of their basic nature will help them grasp that it's their action right NOW I'm upset with.

When they're behaving neutrally--not bad, but not extra good either--I've been reminiscing about the times when they were extra good, or particularly fun or close.

I think it is typical behavior and I also think you need to let her live with her Bio dad for awhile. Every instance like that I have seen, the child comes home pretty fast and they don't mention leaving again. You will have no peace until you let her go. Also I think the mom should have the main control over her daughter, you should be there to support the mom not make and enforce all of the rules.

I am an adult step-daughter. I once despised my step-father, who had lived with me since the age of four (I never had the bio-father-out your SD has). Truth be told, we never really got along very well, but in my teens I became a monster towards him. He was the disciplinarian, but he very well should have been since my mother refused to see all the things I was doing wrong. She was too busy focusing on all the bad things my step-brother was doing. Blinders are huge in step families. Boy did we all have it out for each other.

We tried counseling. I don't remember how old I was at the time, but I do remember this. That counselor never got anything out of me except "leave me alone." I'm not saying counseling can't/won't work for you and yours; it just didn't for me and mine.

Here's the good news. I am now very thankful to my step-father for all of the discipline he gave me. If not for that, there's no telling what or where I'd be today. We're not very close, but then we never were. I think in the future you will regain your close relationship with your SD because that's the foundation you built with her.

Your SD is a teenager, and she is acting out at her easiest targets, first you and then her mother. I don't think the step-family thing really makes a difference vs. a "traditional" family. A teenager is a teenager, no matter what the family situation is. (May I suggest seeing the movie "Thirteen," released last year I think and stars Holly Hunter) I agree with letting her go to live with the bio-father for a while. The grass is always greener, isn't it? Plus, once the bio-father realizes what work is required, he'll probably want her back with you anyway, and then he's no longer the good-guy-out option.

One day, she will thank you (as I've done)for the love and protection and even discipline that you gave her. SOMEONE has to do it, and if your wife won't, then I see no reason it shouldn't be you. No favors are done by letting her run wild.

I wish you the best of luck over the next few years. Until those hormones are under control, it will be a bumpy ride. Sure was for me. But there is light at the end of that tunnel!

I agree with letting her live with her bio-dad. Right now, it looks like a pretty good set-up, but actually living with him will be a different story as she will find out.

And he probably will get tired of having her around, not to mention his girlfriend. She (the daughter) will cramp their style.