Yes, BM does live out of state (3 hours away) and I'm sure SD misses her...But yes, BM is unfit. I am talking about drug use, alcoholism, abandonment for 2 1/2 years, constant fighting between BM and her husband when the skids visit and her husband is very cruel to my skids verbally. Last month, BM's husband announced to his kids and my skids that BM was not allowed to get MY skids for at least the next visit because she was spending all of her money on visitation weekends and not helping financially. He then told my skids directly that if their BM comes to get them the next weekend that he WOULD kick her out of his house. BM apparently just sat there. We do know that BM's husband spent some time in jail for domestic violence against his first wife...do not know if he is hitting BM though. What concerns me most is that this drama has turned BM into a victim in the kid's eyes. Day after day is drama...and the kids are caught up in protecting her and worrying about her. Add to this that BM feels guilty as well for all the drama which adds another issue. SD knows BM feels guilty...and she takes advantage of this every chance she gets. Every other day SD is asking BM for something new. A new haircut. A new pair of shoes. A new calculator. A new jacket. Earrings. A bigger cell phone plan. DVD's. It's constantly ongoing. The whole thing is unsafe and unhealthy in my opinion. At one point, after the kids finally started seeing BM again (after she came out of hiding after 2 1/2 years) SD told us that she wanted to move in with her Mom. DH told her that he just didn't feel BM's house was stable enough. SD then cried and said that her BM was trying to get her husband to stop drinking...SD said that if she had more time at BM's house she could help BM to get her stepdad to quit drinking also but that 4 days a month was not enough time to help him. I had to leave the room in tears...She was 12 years old. The relationship with BM is not a healthy one...but at least it was somewhat limited...until the UNLIMITED texting came about last month. Now let me add that BM's life is so screwed up that she LOVES to hear negatives about our life. The skids have constantly told me about her asking about my job or how DH and I are doing. If I do something special for the skids, she either downplays it or tries to outdo me...(Remember the story about Christmas 2007? I told her in November what I was getting the skids. She had Christmas that year so we were going to have our Christmas when they got back...Ironically BM got them EVERYTHING I told her that I had bought them. When they got back to our house they just opened the same stuff they had got a week earlier from BM...not quite as exciting, you know?) I can't make BM disappear...but I certainly don't want her knowing about every sneeze I have.

In your situation, is it possible to keep sd until say noon or 1pm on Easter.. enough time to attend morning services and an early Easter egg hunt and let BM take her in the afternoon and for dinner? I would not drop your plans but see if you can compromise a bit. If your plans are all day, then unless BM has an order to see her, I would not drastically change the plans. One of the reasons I would have is it sets a precedent that BM can call up on a whim and throw a monkey wrench into your family plans. It also sends a message to SD that plans are not important... it's disruptive to SD. BM should have kept in contact with SD and/or called sooner to make plans but it's not fair to SD to change plans at the last minute. She needs one parent she can count on... who does what they say they are. Time with mom is important, don't get me wrong.. but not at the expense of dad not keeping his plans.

yes as far as behavior issues go she hasnt displayed anything other than what I consider normal for her age, she gets good grades and follows directions most of time :)She acts just like any other kid her age... I dont think she doesnt talk to us about it because she worries we will be hurt, we have always been pretty open as a family when speaking about BM, and from what I gather from speaking with her best freinds mom and GM she has completely stopped talking about her in their presence too which isnt the way it used to be... I know I cant make this go away, I wish I could with all my might but I know I cant....I know she will carry this with her for the rest of her life and I just want to make sure I am managing the situation in the most productive manner for her... I just don't know, I feel like it is unhealthy to not talk about it but I dont want to force her, maybe this is something that will surface later on as she grows... maybe it is not as traumatic for her since she never remember a time when BM was around more than every once in a while opposed to a kid that mom just picks up and leaves....but it still has got to hurt....

Yes same child ... they have 50/50 visitation... Hubby is CP to the 2 boys and mom CP to SD ... I have listened to this child over the years .... her BM created and encouraged SD's behaviours except she just never thought her child would treat her the way she wants her DD to treat others. She thought taking her on a guilt trip would suffice. I disengaged completely from her 3 years ago ... I am polite and friendly but do nothing for her she has two parents who are obligated to do so .... BM twisted this childs mental state so much that it became a wait and see what happens game...I was given no choice ... But something at mom's recently sent her over the edge completely opposite of 3 years ago .... and now she says she never meant to be mean to her father its how she proved to her mom she loved her more. If she had fun at daddys mom would cry and say you love daddy more so to appease mom she would be miserable here ... (we knew this all along.) In june she started to lose it with her dad again (we were going somewhere and mom decided to sabotage it so the child would be miserable again while with us) and we let her know basically your misery is your own you create it you dwell on it you enjoy it ... and if you wanted a better life you need to change your outlook on things .... she has been a decent person to us since then but her behavior at mom's has deteriated to the point it is at now .... hasn't seen or spoken to her mom in more than a week ... this is a kid who spent every waking moment on the phone with mom even at 3 am would wake up to call mom ... and yes she remembers everything because it is rehashed all the time. We have encouraged her to talk to her counselors at school her mentor (big sister program)... Just waiting ... could be worse ... 7+ years in only 4 to go :)