Sorry sap1967, I am not sure that there is anything that you will be able to do yourself. Sounds to me as if your husband suffers that divorced parent guilt that so many do--including my own. I'm not sure that there is anything to make that go away. If I knew the formula for supplying that wake up call, I'd be a billionaire.

Your post should be required reading for all those people about to step into the stepfamily relationship because I think that these situations are all too common--based upon what I read just on this board.

In the meantime, the only advice I have for you is to keep up the counseling and church. Do things for yourself, take class that gets you out of the house or get involved in a club. Volunteer some time at your local hospital--anything to feed yourself personally and maybe remove yourself from it as much as possible since it doesn't seem likely to improve.

Perhaps some others have more advice for you....

Yes, so sorry to hear of your situation. I can only agree with vivian31 to keep busy and do things to improve and grow for yourself. Children can be so demanding and some SKs because of their situations can be overwhelming at times. Try to remain positive. I do want to caution you that even after they leave the nest there can be some trying times. The type of SKs you are discribing continue to manipulate long after they leave the house. I think talking with DH is your best solution, but do not over do. DH appears to need some counseling on how to help children grow and be responsible. Keep in mind you do not have alot of control in this situation. Just remember you are not alone.

It's not just stepchildren ... I've seen that behavior in non-blended families.

sap1967 how are you doing? Are things going any better? I have a need to vent. I too feel like there is a snow job going on in my home. Here comes ss 20 yrs old (in college) who owes us a thousand dollars and acts like he owes nothing. The thousand was a loan to him for over and above all we have given him. We pay for everything (college, car, car & health insurance, cell phone bill, food, etc.), bio mom does not pay for anything. He wants a new cell phone says his phone does not work but he is able to use 400 minutes a month. Says he is taking a full load in college but his college account says different. Went on a trip which DH said no to and spent over four hundred dollars. Spend much of his college saved money on computers, skate boards, roller blades etc. He was in the dorms and decided he wanted to live in an apartment, DH said no, stay in the dorms, food is provided there. He moved anyways and now continues to want food from us. The list goes on and on. When DH confronts him on these things he always has some manipulated excuse that does not add up. DH always falls for it or just gives in. He works very little and appears to think he does not need to. All the lies, manipulation and deception makes me sick. He does not come around much but when he does he usually wants something ($). I can consistently predict that if he starts to call or come around he will be asking for something that involves free money. I look at him and see the type of person I would never want to be involved with. Someone please tell me how to care and want to be associated with someone who has qualities I can not stand. And please do not give me poor ss because he has it pretty nice. I feel like I a sucker in this situation.

"We pay for everything (college, car, car & health insurance, cell phone bill, food, etc.), bio mom does not pay for anything. He wants a new cell phone says his phone does not work but he is able to use 400 minutes a month."

Your husband has to cut him off. Don't pay for stuff if he is not performing to acceptable standards. He's not a child. Do not give him access to any bank account that he did not contribute to himself. He needs to have it made clear that your help comes with conditions--acceptable behavior, good grades, etc. That's not really a stepkid issue, but just a kid issue.

...and I do think that the hard line needs to come from your husband. Nobody's doing your SS a favor by providing all the freebies.

Thanks for the advise vivian31, but how do you get DH to cut him off? He thinks it is ok that ss does not tell the truth and that he does not work much. Well, I do not believe he really thinks that it is ok, but he loves his son and just wants to give him all he can. He just gives in and justifies it by saying he is not so bad, at least he is not in jail or into drugs. But I think it can be as bad, it turns this kid into someone with undesireable traits or a person who cannot make it on his own. In the mean time how do I remain neutral and content with my situation? I know to keep busy, which I do, but I don't want to be around the ss and DH really wants us together at the same time. I am stressed and unhappy. Help!

Unfortunately, I don't think that there is anything that you can do. Sounds like the divorced parent guilt to me and I don't know of many people (my husband included) who have been able to overcome it. They overcompensate, spoil the kids, become friends rather than parents, etc. It's the easy road when you don't have to discipline or discuss or direct. I can tell you all about it, but I have yet to come across a way to solve it.

First and foremost, you cannot make your husband parent. Period. He's going to do exactly what he wants to do--and apparently that is taking the easy route. It's too bad for your SS and you, but you can't make people do things that they don't want to do--even if you are married to them. I just hope that you realize that the source of your frustration really isn't your SS--it's the parenting choices that your husband has made.

As far as remaining neutral and content, I don't know how to do that. I speak out too much myself. I have a hard time remaining neutral, and I've gotten myself in trouble more than once. I wish I could answer that, but biting my tongue isn't my strong suit.

Vivian31 is 100% correct. There is nothing you can do to get your DH to see that he is doing a disservice to all concerned. Heaven knows I've tried too. One good thing....I can count my blessings that my DH is so far in debt from court battles to get custody of the little darlings that he couldn't pay for college if he wanted to. The kid's mother is actually doing that much for the oldest now that he lives with her. She took out a $10,000 loan for his part time schooling (and he's failed at least one class I know of). Why he can't get a student loan and/or work to pay his own way is beyond me. But as he lives with her I don't care. Myself....I've actually considered moving away from my situaiton for a spell. I have two more years (minimum) with the youngest and I doubt I'll be able to deal with it as things are going now. Maybe the wake up call my hubby needs is a half empty house one day when he gets home from work....with separation papers tacked to the wall. And a nice long letter reitorating my position on how things need to change if I'm ever expected to move back in. Good luck. I'll say a little prayer for you.

Thanks sap1967 & vivian31 for listening and responding. It is so nice to have a place where people can relate and understand how you feel in these stepparenting situation. I made it through the day with ss. It was difficult but did it. He continues to think everything that DH and I have is his too. Ss demonstrates this with things like, "our house dad", "our land dad" "our automobile", etc. the list goes on and on. He never paid one penny for any of these things and it bothers me that he thinks it is his. And he has really never worked hard or helped us out by working for us. I work very hard for my money and I have paid for these things along with DH. He can't even hold a part time job. At 20 yr old you think he would start working and get his own things. Will that come with time? Let me know what you think. He acts like a child and when he gets DH husband alone asked for money related things or asked DH NOT to take bio mom back to court. DH is taking his ex to court so he can stop payments to her. There are no more minor children(ss is the youngest), she has a job, makes the same as DH, does not pay anything towards her children, and still gets monthly money from DH. Just doesn't seem right to me or anyone else I talk to. When we arrived home their was another insurance claim from the other step child (24 yr. old) saying she has another health claim. She goes to the doc when she feels like becuase she feels her skin is bad. Her face has a few pimples on it, nothing major. DH call her to check on it and she is not paying the doc bills, good old dad is. SD goes to college (grad school), does not work but has time to train for a marathon, go on trips and party with friends. Here we go again paying on another one I get so upset with all this step parenting stuff. I know it will continue until these step kids grow up and learn responsibility. And when DH wakes up and stops giving all the time, which you both have said he most likely will not. I just want to stress that it is great to have a place to vent and release all this stuff. I have found this site helpful in getting things out and feeling a little less frustrated. By saying things I have, it does not mean that I treat my step kids poorly or anything like that. It just means that it is difficult to deal withthese situtions. Thanks for listening.

"Here we go again paying on another one I get so upset with all this step parenting stuff. I know it will continue until these step kids grow up and learn responsibility."

Frankly, your stepkids ARE grown up--and there's no way a 24 year old woman should be asking for daddy to pay for her medical bills. I have to say, I'd be a little more than peeved, too. That doesn't really have anything to do with being a stepparent, but parenting in and of itself....

...but you know, I've been told that I'm pretty mean....LOL

There's a funny thread over at the Household Finance forum about paying for kids' college situations....

Here is a link that might be useful: Finance forum, college expenses thread

Oh my gosh your ss sounds like mine more and more when it comes to thinking he's entitled to everything we have and work so hard for! In life and death. I think both ss's feel as though I'm some kind of threat to their inheritance someday. ha ha ha Even though there is nothing to inherit but massive debt. My 17 year old ss actually made a comment not too long ago about how DH needed to leave the deed to this house someplace where he can get at it easily just in case something happened to DH while on a trip. He said it like I wasn't even standing there!! He actually thinks we own this house and land (we have two mortagages out on it) and it's all his. Where do they get these ideas??

On that note.....and not to depress anyone further....I know a guy that is 39 years old, unemployed, and still living at home with his parents. He's never moved out...not even for a short spell. They still pay for everything. He is biding his time until until his parents pass on and he can have the place to himself. No lie! He actually said this to me. And when I see how lazy my skids are I can see it happening to me too...I cannot live with them until I die! Heck why not make it even better and let the inlaws come live here too....push me right over the edge....ugh....

well ladies I was right. ss just left and he spent the entire weekend hanging around us. He never hangs around unless he wants something. Did as little work as possible. I guessed right when I said he more than likely would want something for free. He wants to come and live with us for the summer, rent free of course, with free food and maid service. He orginally said he was going to stay at the place he plans on getting a job this summer. They provide rooms for their summer staff. Bio mom will not let him live with her. But now he wants the free room and board deal. He will drive me crazy. When he is around he is just like a little kid and just wants to play and play. No cleaning up after himself and use what ever he wants. Come and go any hour of the night as he pleases. No respect and treat me like its not my DH and my place, but his and his dads place only. I don't know what to do. I do not want him living with us I know it will be hard on our marriage. We don't have a bedroom fixed up for him. Tell me what to do. Should I tell DH I really don't thinks its a good idea? Or should I suggest living where he works would save money on gas? Or should I tell DH he can stay as long as some rules are set down about who is in charge, whos place it really is, and he can't just come go as he pleases and must clean up after himself. Or should I suggest we just don't have the time and money right now to fix up a room for him(which is true). I just hate the summer coming up with him going to live with us. He could come and stay once in awhile but not live with us. Help give me some advise please! PS: he also tried to get a new cell phone again. He had lost his and I gave him a working old one of mine, but thats not good enough. he drives me crazy.

I don't know your DH so it's hard to say. Mine will sit down and talk rules but will change the rules the next day without consulting me so it's a pretty much a waste of my time to bother. I get a lot of respect in this house that way..... You may want to try it anyway. Maybe get it in writing if you're DH is like mine?? I wish my ss was going to his bio mom's this summer. I need my summer break from his highness!!!! She has 6 weeks visitation rights but the little darling wants to hang here with his delinquent buddies instead....and heaven forbid either bio parent put their foot down and make that kid do something other than what he demands.

sap1967 the rules change from hour to hour around here without me being involved in the decisions. Getting things in writing would be a good idea but what kind of marriage is that? I know what you mean about a summer break, which I will not have if he comes and lives with us. I agree DH will not be able to refuse him staying with us. Even though he has a place to live close by his summer job. Go figure. DH would rather compromise our marriage then to tell ss to stay near his work place and come to visit when not working. Just feel like I am always second in consideration in my own home that I paid for equally with DH. I can totally relate to your situation. Keep in touch

Sunny G.

Maybe you can e-mail me sometime? Right click on my user id and you should be allowed that option. I'd love to keep in touch.....