Well, I bet you'll get some follow ups to this! I agree with you that the children's needs are critically important and I don't think anyone would argue that fact. I think there are a couple of points to make to you:
1. Some people on here are not yet married and are asking about how to handle the situation....one in particular we all jumped in and said "leave...it is not the life for you!"

2. Sometimes (lots of times) it isn't until you are in the situation that things begin to change, often for worse. Whether the bio parent starts to get involved or the child decides that they must prove to their bio parent that the step is not liked as much....things change. Kinda like getting married (young with no kids).....you end up dealing with issues you didn't know you would have but you have to navigate through. We probably all go in fully committed....but when you are regularly disrespected it gets old fast.

3. People on this forum are usually looking for support with their difficult situation. Stepfamilies that are well functioning without the above-mentioned dysfunctions are not looking to vent!

4. The other point is that it is easy for you to say this, but I can tell you that if my stepdaughter and her mother (who clearly has severe personality disorders) were successful in their pursuits, my husband would still be single and unable to find a woman willing to marry him. And he is quite the catch and I am very lucky to have him! But, they interfered so much and so often that he had to draw a line and remind them they they are not an intact family simply living in separate houses! When their version of reason didn't work, they told lie after lie to try to scare me away.

Finally, let me say that I do have my husband's almost 16 y/o son living with me full time and we ARE a very happy and well adjusted step family. His problem is that he recognizes his mother for who/what she is and I'm sure that brought a lot of pain; but, he knows that relying on me and looking to me as a female caregiver who will give good advice and proper parenting is a blessing. I would even venture to say he loves me!

Another point to consider is that the people here are usually trying to make their situations work. Some are simply unworkable.

"remind them they they are not an intact family simply living in separate houses!"

But they are a family! They are a mother, a father, and a child or children. Whether they are living together or not, whether one or both has remarried a dozen times, they ARE a family.

I have a friend who is divorced, and every year he and his ex-wife would drive their son to college. As far as I know, her new husband never had a problem with that.

If you cared to read further,maybe you would have seen how much some of these women have put up with.We all have a tale or so to tell to about what we have been through.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be around someone who makes your life miserable.Step kids can do that.
Mother Teresa wasnt a stepmom.She didnt have to deal with step kids who hated her or who went out of their way to be mean and make her feel bad about herself.Or who did everything in their power to break up her marriage.
Most of these women have been pushed to the limits by their step kids,and when we tell them to stay away~believe me when I tell you it is good advice!
It's called disengaging.Which is what I'm doing from this thread.

To theotherside -- you took my comment totally out of context. I am not saying that they are not a family in terms of the relationship -- mother and father both still working together to raise their children.

I thought I was clear, but let me clarify further. What they are not is husband and wife living in separate homes, having to check in on each other for every single decision they make (not concerning the kids); that she does not have the right to expect him to come to her home to do chores for her when she does nothing for him (well other than cheat and brainwash his daughter against him). That she should not have the expectation that she can present this front to the world like they are best of friends when she does everything she can to manipulate him -- using the children as the ultimate weapon (which she knows will work).

Clearly you are coming from "theotherside" of the step situation and you don't understand (or care to understand?) what happens on "this side" but you can't just assume that everyone is always honest and truly working for the good of the children -- and as a parent, putting yourself last. Can't blame you for that though -- I came into it thinking that was the truth too. What a rude awakening I had!

I'm sure that my husband's ex and his daughter share your resentment towards the "step" -- but my relationship with their son/brother (who is in my full time care) proves them wrong. I know it and they know it.

I see no reason why a mother and father can not share important events in their children's lives - birthday parties, graduations, weddings, going to college - whether they are divorced or not, as long as they act civilized to each other. It is far better for everyone involved, including the children, if any stepparents/gfs/bfs stay away from these events. There are times when children need to have both parents present, and having a step parent present adds nothing positive.

this post is directed to theotherside. I have been reading this site about once or twice a week for about a year. I noticed when you came into this site all your post are sooo very negative and against stepparents. the additude/views you display on this site are the reasons so many stepparents have trouble successfully achieving a happy relationship within a blended family situation.

I believe everyone needs to be good/kind to others no matter what. All people including stepchildren and exs need to treat other people (no matter what) the way they would like to be treated. Do you think it is kind to leave someone out of a family event? Try putting your self in others positions. I see you usually put your self in the childrens position but never the stepparents. Attempt to be fair/kind to all involved before you offer such negative advise. thanks

If everyone involved is ok with the stepparent being there, that is fine. However, events like graduations and weddings are obviously more significant to the children graduating/getting married and to their parents than they are to the stepparents. It should not be a big deal for the stepparent not to be there, and if her/his presence makes anyone uncomfortable, the gracious thing to do is to not attend.

Of course this is even more true in those cases where the stepparent was having an affair with the biological parent. I read one post (I think on a different forum) where a stepmother could not understand why she was not welcomed by her husband's extended family at any events - "merely" because she and the husband had begun their affair while his wife was pregnant with their fourth child. What I found shocking was that some of the respondents were actually sympathetic toward her.

Why do you think it is "obviously more significant" to children and bio parents? What about stepparents who have been MORE like a parent than the bio parent. I will tell you that I have done more for my stepchildren than their bio mother has ever done. Bio mom will not let them live with her, she will not help pay for there health insurance, she does not give them food or necessities,do their laundry, she does not help buy then automobiles, pay for auto insurance, repairs or tabs, she does not help pay for cell phone (but does use the cell phone that we pay for to call the kids), she does not help with anything. Guess who lets them live with us, does their laundry, pays for their health insurance, food, necessities! It is me the STEP mom. Also, I help pay for all the other items listed. I guess I do feel "OBVIOUSLY" as a stepparent involved with my step children that it is just as significant that I attend their graduations/weddings etc. Because without me they may have not gotten where they are today. I believe I speak for many stepparents who give and give and get NO credit or respect. Think about it!

I don't respond very often to what I read here, but I have to say my piece on this one. I agree with what Sunny has to say 100% and disagree with TOS completely. If I hadn't attended my SS graduation, then it would have only been his father there for him. His mother was "unable to attend because something came up". That has always been the case with her. No matter that we called her three months in advance with the dates and times. She didn't come. She has missed sporting events, plays, elementary school convocations, and so on. But, still, according to TOS, she has more rights than I do to attend and the events are more significant. I have raised these children. She has taken them into her home an average of 20 days a year. I have been with them when they were sick, I have rushed them to the hospital, I have sat beside them when they have struggled with their homework, and I have held them in my arms when they were crying because their mother canceled on them AGAIN. And you have the nerve to tell me that the big events are more significant to their mother than they are to me. Well, you're WRONG. You have said many things that have angered me, but this has me vibrating. You have no idea what I have gone through and what many of the stepmothers on this forum go through. I have every right to be there on their big days. I'm a big reason they got there.

Perhaps in your case the kids would want you to be there and perhaps their mother wouldn't object, especially if she didn't plan to be there. In the vast majority of cases, the biological mother is the custodial parent, and the kids see their father at most EOW and/or for a weekly dinner.

What about stepmothers who refuse to allow the children to visit their father, or who might not recognize their husband's children if they bumped into them on the street but who refuse to allow the father to attend graduations etc unless they are invited?

"What about stepmothers who refuse to allow the children to visit their father, or who might not recognize their husband's children if they bumped into them on the street but who refuse to allow the father to attend graduations etc unless they are invited?"

Don't know if you were asking this question of anyone in particular...but I have a response:

You are not likely to find any of *those* SM's on this forum, therefore, none of us could possibly tell you where they are coming from, nor what one should do.

FWIW-If you are describing your situation, my heart goes out to you.

Even if she "planned" to be there, I really don't think that she would have any right to object to my being there. You seem to think that stepmothers or stepfathers have very little rights when it comes to the children whom they have a hand in raising.

What about the quite numerous posters who have admitted hating their stepchildren, or the ones who have admitted telling their husbands that the kids are not welcome in their house. I think there are quite a few of "those" stepmothers on this forum.

I agree that stepparents should have very few "rights" when it comes to the stepchildren. In addition, I do not believe that they should have much of a hand in raising them, especially when both biological parents are still involved with them. Even when the stepparent is living with the custodial parent, it should be the PARENT who raises them. I realize a lot of men dump this job their new wives, and I think that is reprehensible.

As an aside, the fact that the stepmother has money is sometimes a big negative for the children. I don't know how familiar everyone is with the college financial aid process, but as an example, I am poor enough that my children qualify for Pell and SEOG grants and Perkins loans, under the federal formula (the FAFSA form). This formula takes into account only the custodial parent's (and spouse of custodial parent, in any) income, including, of course, child support. However, virtually all of the "most competitive" and "very competitive" colleges use the institutional formula, which is based on the PROFILE form. This formula takes into account the non-custodial parent's income, and, indirectly, the income of the spouse of the non-custodial parent. When the spouse of the non-custodial parent has a high income, most of the NCP's income is considered to be discretionary, and available to pay for college. The logic is that he does not need to use his income to pay half the mortgage, for instance. Conversely, if his new wife were a SAHM with 3 toddlers, less of his income would be considered available to pay for college.

The consequence of this is that my kids can expect to receive a much smaller need-based scholarship at the "better" colleges than they would at a college that did not use the institutional formula, because the colleges believe that their father can afford to contribute a sizeable amount. Some of my kids have done well enough in school that they would almost definitely be admitted to an Ivy League school. Yet my kids can't go, because their father won't contribute to college. If he were single, or if his wife were not wealthy, my kids would qualify for a large need-based scholarship, based on my income and his income alone.

"What about the quite numerous posters who have admitted hating their stepchildren, or the ones who have admitted telling their husbands that the kids are not welcome in their house. I think there are quite a few of "those" stepmothers on this forum."

First of all, most of the postings with that sort of ending are very, very long and painful stories.

I'm not saying that it doesn't ever happen without there being a long story. My original statement on this was simply pointing out that that, from what I've seen, the SM's posting here are the ones who actually give a damn.

"As an aside, the fact that the stepmother has money is sometimes a big negative for the children. I don't know how familiar everyone is with the college financial aid process.......kids can't go, because their father won't contribute to college. If he were single, or if his wife were not wealthy, my kids would qualify for a large need-based scholarship, based on my income and his income alone."

Question: Would filing taxes married/separate make any difference? If so, would your ex-husband be willing to do that?

theotherside your attitude is one negative one. You look for everything and anything you can find that is negative about stepparents. Some of the least expensive colleges provide great education and kids can find rewarding and successful careers. The effort, their attitude and what they put into it will determine what they achieve with it. If a kid/person wants badly enough to go to a particular college they will find a way. There are ways to achieve anything in life if you work hard for it and the desire is strong enough. One thing that can hold a person back is their attitude. The one thing we can control in our life is our attitude. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. So we are in charge of our attiudes and how we react to things in life. Attitude is more important than facts, than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failues, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It will break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding our attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the enevitable. The one thing we can play on is our attitude. Consider working on your attitude and things in life may change for you and your kids.

mmommy,
No, unfortunately even if he filed separately the PROFILE form still takes into account his wife's income.

sunnygardenerme,

No, it is just not true that a child can find a way to afford Harvard or any other particular school if she or he wants to badly enough. The schools will not give the child more than a very limited amount in loans. Private loans to students require a co-signer - and if the parents have too much debt, they don't qualify as co-signers. Parents can borrow up to the cost of attendance in PLUS loans, and I have - I am making sure that all of my children can go to colleges that meet their needs in spite of the fact that I will probably end up with a couple of hundred thousand dollars in loans by the time my youngest, who is a long way from college age, finishes. It is simply not right that my children and I should have to take on such a ridiculously high amount of debt and live in poverty, not only in spite of, but because of, the fact that their father's household is wealthy.

It would help of course if child support were based on imputed income - for example, the value of rent/utilities or whatever the NCP did not have to pay by virtue of being married to or living with someone who supported him. The same thing of course would apply to a woman who remarried a wealthy man and stopped working because she could.

I totally agree with sunnygardenerme about attitudes and that theotherside is always negative. Maybe it is true that your children won't have the opportunity to go to a school like Harvard -- but there are plenty of very good schools...and there are scholarships, grants, etc. etc. Sunngardenerme is so right -- if you want something bad enough and you have the right attitude, you can make it happen. And, if it is not possible, then going to a school that isn't Harvard and doing exceptionally well acadmically is also an accomplishment to be proud of.

Heck from my own experience -- I came from a large family that didn't have a lot of money and getting to college fell on me and me alone....I did it at night school over years with loans, etc...I wanted it badly and sacrificed greatly. Now I have a wonderful job, a great income and the best feeling in the world that it happened only because I so desperately wanted it and made it happen. Maybe if you stop thinking about how you can't provide for your kids and how together the kids and you can make things happen, you would all be better off (and they would have the feeling of having control over what happens/happened to them -- the even the pride of a job well done).

It is easy to sit back and "wish" that things were different/easier, etc. It is much more difficult to think of ways to make things happen (and giving up some things to get others)....life isn't fair and we all know that.

I also agree with and applaud the others here who have responded about a stepparents right to attend events for their stepkids. This is especially true for those stepparents who have really made efforts to help the children grow. In my case the biomother does wish that I wasn't in the picture and always tries to ensure that everyone knows that she is the "real" mother, but....she moved away without her son....and I am the one doing the day to day things for him that she says she wishes she could do for him. Please understand I'm not looking for glory because of what I do for him (there is pride for me because I know...), but at the same time, I don't want someone to pretend I'm invisible, while I'm doing all the things they aren't.

The upshot is -- theotherside's negative attitude is precisely why we stepmothers have such a struggle. We do want to do what is best, we do want to love our steps and have them love us, we do want to be at least a little appreciated...and we don't want to push the biomother out of the picture. We do know that we will never be loved like their biomom, and that is ok. These kids who are raised healthy and happily have plenty of love to share with all of us!

Before I started reading on this board, I had no idea how common it was for stepmother's to say they hated their stepchildren. I am sure there are good stepmothers, but you can't tell me that someone who hates the SC is one of them.

It is a falsehood to claim that if you want something badly enough, and work hard, you will get it. People hope that that is true, and people like Rhonda Byrne feed on that hope in order to sell books to the truly gullible("The Secret" - see Oprah's website for more information). There are lots of things in life you have absolutely no control over.

I work three jobs; my kids have pretty much all worked since they were old enough to get working papers; they have done somewhere between well and exceedingly well academically - and none of that guarantees or even is necessarily correlated with a high income. As a matter of fact, few of the careers that fall into the altruistic category pay well, as everyone knows, but most of them require advanced degrees.

If wanting something badly enough and working hard enough always results in success, then are you claiming that when someone who is raised in poverty in an city where drive-by shootings are common, abandoned by drug-addicted parents, doesn't succeed in becoming a CEO, then it is his fault because he didn't try hard enough? This sounds like the kind of "logic" used to fight the civil rights movement back in the 60's.

As we all know, there are no guarantees in life.....but I can assure you that if one wallows in self pity and doesn't try to rise above their difficulties, they will succeed in staying in them. On the other hand, if you work hard to try to get out....you may actually succeed.

Life is not fair, and you're right that that poor child in that situation may not rise to become a CEO, but should he not want and hope and work towards that goal? There are actually some people in history who have risen above their very difficult beginnings...

Colin Powell once said "There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure." Incidentally, General Powell grew up in Harlem.

If you bothered to listen to The Secret from start to finish instead of slamming it without really knowing anything about it then you might understand that there are no victims in life. Eighty percent of the population comes from a dysfunctional family situation of some sort. Fact not fiction. Not all of us want to go out there and be the next Bill Gates. For some it's a matter of simply paying the bills or getting their kids through college. But for every hard luck story, there is always a success story. Sounds to me like you have a huge chip on your shoulder. Every positive comment that has been made to you, you've managed to shoot down in flames. As far as I'm concerned, keep your misery where it belongs, to yourself.

Aldra

As I was reading this thread, especially TOS and responses to her comments, it hit me that there are a couple of things going on here, and I am compelled to address them.

TOS, I am truly sorry about your financial situation. It sounds like your ex is pretty selfish and and that he has put his past (your kids) behind him. It doesn't sound like he wants to be responsible for the obligations he has as their father. That really stinks, especially since it sounds like he is doing okay financially. After reading your posts on this particular subject, I think I am starting to understand where some of your hubris for step-parents comes from. It's your own personal experience with your jerk of an ex, and maybe his new wife is driving some of his behavior.

But I don't think you should generalize. It can be hurtful to some on this board, as well as make you sound like a very hateful person, which I actually don't think you are after reading what's gone on with your kids. There are situations here that are very different from yours. My ex, father of my two daughters, has stepped out of the picture financially. He's got his own thing going on, and I am sure we will not be able to count on him for anything. My DH, on the other hand, will pay 100% for college for both my SSs. He feels that is not just his financial obligation as laid out in the divorce decree, but also his moral obligation as their parent. His thinking is that since we can afford it, there is no reason for any of our kids to be strapped by loans once they gradulate, and that includes my kids, his step daughters. The BM of by SSs, however, doesn't feel that same obligation, even to her own sons. It doesn't do me any good, or help the children in any way, to carry negativity about their other bio parents' shortcomings when it comes to helping the kids financially. They are just selfish people. It's not fair, but it is what it is. Just remember, it's your ex's shortcoming, his character flaw, and I do believe in karma.

Secondly, I think, and others have said this, you really need to think about your attitude and what you may be projecting to your children. Yes, in a perfect world, everyone who is smart enough to go to Harvard would get to go. But this isn't a perfect world (obviously), so everyone needs to have a 'plan b.' I know it is harder to finance a college education now than 20 years ago when I was in college. Back then, my alma mater back cost $13,000 per year. Now it's over $40,000. It was easier for me to secure student loans and work to pay the smaller tuition. Now, I think it would be very hard, but people do it. Also, there are plenty of successful people out there who didn't attend top tier schools. You mentioned Oprah. I don't think she was ivy league, and I recall she had some pretty tragic stuff happen to her during her youth. It sounds a little trite, but life is what you make it. If your kids pick up from you that there lives are going to be lacking because they can't attend whatever school, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

aldra,

I have read numerous reviews of "The Secret," and would not waste my time reading it. For example,

http://sacmag.com/blog/index.php?op=ViewArticle&articleId=67&blogId=3

First of all, my kids are going to/have attended schools that meets their needs - not necessarily Harvard, because that is not necessarily the best school for everyone, no matter how bright, but there really is no such thing as an inexpensive bachelor's degree. My adult children ARE successful, though saddled with student loans. I will do whatever I can to provide them with a good education. I don't plan on ever retiring, and I know that if I have to and don't have enough money, my kids won't let me starve.

I believe the "power of positive thinking" people, of whom Rhonda Byrne is just the latest and one of the most far out, often do more harm than good. I would hate to think that that child who grew up in dire poverty mentioned above would feel like a failure and think himself at fault if he didn't become a CEO.

A article in the Harvard Crimson stated:

"They resonate with Americans conviction that economic success is available to everyone; the key is just the right attitude.

Indeed, this belief is so unshakeable that it often defies reality. In a 2005 New York Times poll, 80 percent of respondents answered "yes" to the question, "Do you think its still possible to start out poor in this country, work hard, and become rich?"

Contrast those upbeat numbers with the ones found in a 2006 study authored by Thomas Hertz for the Center for American Progress: Individuals born into the bottom 20 percent of income earners have only a one percent chance of ending up in the top five percent."

http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=517839

Following the logic of the posters above, one could say that certain posters here would be able to get along fine with their stepchildren and the children's other parent, if only they tried hard enough. Success is not merely a matter of motivation.

TOS, if the stepchildren and the children's other parent were also motivated to get along, then, yes, everybody would get along fine. Usually it isn't the case that everyone is trying their hardest, or even at all. Your logic is pretty incomplete. There are many variables for success, but a negative attitude isn't one of them.

One of the other posters said,

One of the other posters said,

"There are ways to achieve anything in life if you work hard for it and the desire is strong enough."

If that were true, then SM's could achieve a good relationship with their stepchildren and with the other biological parent if they tried hard enough. But, as you pointed out, that is not enough.

Realistic expectations, as opposed to unbridled optimism, are essential to success. And speaking out against injustice, as opposed to saying "Life is not fair, just live with it," is an essential first step to ending such injustice.

It seems you're determined to continue on your own train of thought which makes me wonder why you posted in the first place since you don't seem to want to hear anyone else's opinion but your own. An opinion which by the way you are entitled but one to which I do not see any real thread of logic. I'm sorry that you have had a hard life. I wish that I could offer you more, but whilst you remain so resolute in your convictions, it is highly improbable that you are willing to hear anything I or anyone else has to say.

I think you may have missed the point that the stepchildren and other Bio Parent also have to try to get along. The SM can't do it all by herself. Otherwise, it isn't enough.

A lot of step parents go into our situations with optimism, usually cautious and not unbridled. However, when it becomes apparent that there are forces (usually the bio parent, with some assistance from the kids) working against a good relationship between everyone, despite what is truly best for the children, our expectations are then forced to become realistic.

I don't think anyone here said "life is not fair, just live with it." I think the common sentitment is life is not fair, it's too bad your kids aren't getting all the help they could from your ex, but that doesn't mean they can't go to college and live happy, successful and productive lives.

TOS, I am curious. How long have you been divorced, and how old are your kids?

That was my point - the SM can't do it all by herself. It is also nearly impossible to rise from poverty to a comfortable life style all by yourself, and getting harder with each passing decade. My kids at least have the advantage of being smart and having educated parents, one of whom (me) makes the effort to help them find financial aid, not only for college but for camps and other programs before they are old enough to do it themselves.

I have been divorced for six years. I would rather not specify the exact ages of my kids, in order to maintain my family's privacy - but they range from middle school to adult.

I'm really not trying to be harsh theotherside,but boo-hoo! Other people have it way worse then you do. Here you are crying about Harvard college when some people cant even afford community college. No offense,but you need to get a life. Sounds like you dont have a man in your life...and that you havent moved on since your divorce. Quit being so spiteful and go and find happiness again. It's not the end of the world...but ,oh,wait,you'd rather be miserable then be in a step family situation like the rest of us.

I could have sworn it was coolmama who said on another thread that if she were to become a single parent, she probably wouldn't remarry until her daughter was grown.

So, you have to have a "man in your life" to have "moved on." I don't agree.

I would rather be single than be in a miserable step family situation, but I don't know what that has to do with the fact that it is wrong for students to be denied financial aid merely because their non-custodial parents' spouses are wealthy.

In my state, according to the child support guidelines, one of the purposes of child support is to make sure that the children's standard of living is no lower than that of either of their parents. However, that stipulation is too often ignored. If it were enforced, then there would be no reason for colleges to seek financial information from the NCP, because the custodial family's Expected Family Contribution would be as large or larger than that computed based on information about both the CP and the NCP.

But apparently I'm not allowed to complain about the way child support works.

And no one is allowed to complain because there are others who are worse off. Perhaps then no one here should be complaining about their rude stepchildren because the poster whose stepchild is homicidal is clearly worse off.

There are plenty of SMs on these boards who dislike their SKs. While some may improve DHs standard of living, some bring it down. In any case, it cant be helpful to the children to deal with this dislike. What I think some SMs dont focus on is that the children did not ask for a divorce. If I, as a Mom, have to be a pain in the @@s to stick up for my children, so be it. And if the SM resents me because she doent get to live a life with her DH as if he had no children, not my problem.

I also see many DH and SM fighting for custody only to avoid CS. I am glad I fought for large property settlement and no CS, but payment of all education, medical, etc. My X sees our child once a month for dinner. He and his GF arent fighting for custody, because they wont get or save any money.

I thought this board was meant for support, but it seems that we are all bashing each other on this thread, and some others. It occurs to me that we are all on the same boat, even if it's not on the same side. And some of us are on both sides. I am both a BM and a SM, and I could tell you great stories from both sides. My ex fought for custody to avoid CS, and then skipped out of the country when he lost. My DH, on the other hand, continued to happily pay his ex maintenance even after she remarried and moved out of state, because she left our sons with us.

I don't think the majority of SMs on these boards dislike their SKs. I know there are a few that do, but I don't think they are representative of all SMs. Most of the SMs who have expressed dislike have gone through some pretty difficult adjustments with their SKs, and I don't think it is solely the fault of the stepmom. There are a few SMs on this board who have expressed hate for their SKs without reason, and I just think those SMs are immature, selfish and maybe a little weird. They shouldn't be stepmoms, and it's too bad for the kids that they are in the picture.

I have vented about both my stepsons and the trouble they have been in. I wish they made better choices, I wish they would stop making excuses for their BM, I wish they appreciated more the things I, along with their father, do for them. But I could easily vent about my 14 yo bio daughter. Although she makes better choices than her brothers, she still takes for granted things we do for her. I'm not venting about her because this is the Stepfamily Forum. My point is I'm "complaining" about my stepsons because this is the place to complain. And while I may make negative comments about their BM, I would never generalize that to include all the BMs on this board, because just like not all SMs are the same, neither are all BMs.

TOS, I actually thought you were a negative, bitter, hateful person from earlier posts. However, after some of the information you've shared about your situation on this thread, I think I understand where you are coming from. I'm going to guess that you were early middle age when you were blindsided by your ex, who was probably involved with someone else and wanted a divorce to be with her. He moved on to his new, exciting life, leaving you with all the responsibilities and obligations of caring for your children. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to provide a good life and stability for them. You are the opposite of my DH's ex. (Am I bashing her again?) You sound like someone I would respect and want for a friend. Except I would be afraid of your disapproving opinions of my choices - to remarry and create a stepfamily.

If I post that I am having this or that problem with my SKs, it's really not helpful for BMs out there to respond with "it's your own fault because you're the SM, the kids are screwed up because their parents shouldn't have divorced, you never should have married their dad, etc." To be fair, no BMs attacked me over my situation with my SSs (although a few BMs and SMs mentioned my husband needs to step up ... which he did and has). But I have seen it on other threads.

This is getting long. What I wanted to express is that we need to stop attacking each other here, because we basically all want the same thing, and that is to figure out the best way to help our children.

kkny,
That is interesting - my kids might have been better off with that kind of settlement. Child support is mandatory in my state - neither party can agree to forgo it. It is relatively easy for the NCP to go back to court to lower CS and agreed upon education payments - it is probably wiser to take the property settlement.

I dont think you NEED a man in your life...but from your posts,you havent MOVED on,and sound VERY bitter. No,I probably wouldnt remarry until my child is grown,you are right I said that.But I would try to move on and not be jaded about every step family situation.
My only point was,not many people except the very wealthy DO get to go to HARVARD. I didnt have anyone pay for college for me~and I do not blame anyone or get all mad about it.I make the best out of what I have been given.
Of course we want to give our children everything~but sometimes we just cant~such is life.
I dont care if you complain,feel free.But you are often the first to object when the step moms do...so it works both ways.
Personally,I havent been against EVERYTHING you always say in your posts...but I can see how they come off kind of negative and jaded to others. You have a right to your opinion,I just wish you could see that not everyone is the same as maybe what has been done to you.Not all step situations are bad.Yeah,they can be a struggle~but so can raising any kid.
Not all of us step moms stole our husbands from another woman.I didnt meet my husband until 8 years after he had his kids and wasnt with their mom! I would never be a home wrecker either.
Yet,I wouldnt say no to being with a truely wonderful man that is my husband just because he had children.He deserves to be happy too.
And so do you...

Tamar, one interesting point you make is that husbands who dont step up to the plate create many of these problems. It is hard for child to hate dad, it is easier for child to hate SM, even when the real problem is dads who look for easy way out.

If dad treats SM like unpaid nanny and maid, there will be resentment all around. I think one good purpose of this board is to get people look at situation before they jump in. It does not appear that things get better.

kkny, you are so right to pick up about the point about the dads. I am the disciplinarian in our blended family, just as I was previously in my first marriage. I think that parents, whether they are in intact or step families, unconsciously take on roles, and generally it is the mother that enforces the rules, simply because she is usually the one that has the majority of responsibility for the kids. I am home with the kids while my DH is off making a living.

This did create a lot of friction for me and my two SSs, especially since when they had lived with BM, they had no rules. But it also creates friction for me and my teen daughter, who has stated many times that if we ever get a divorce, she will be living with her stepfather. Dad's the sweetheart that brings them little trinkets from his business trips abroad, while mom is the one nagging about curfews, chores, etc.

Does my DH treat me like an unpaid nanny and maid? Sometimes, but not intentionally. And the trade-off is that I have a really wonderful partner who adores me and all of our children, and who works hard to provide a very nice life for us.

Even with all baloney I had to put up with SS#1 and our current heartbreaking situation with SS#2, I would still jump in. SS#1 and I have become closer since he has matured from his teens into early adulthood. He has asked me for advice on college stuff, and recently told me that although he resented the rules that were pushed on him and his brother, he now understands why, especially with the situation SS#2 is in now. He also implied his stepsisters and 4 yo half brother will have a more stable upbringing than the one my SSs had with their BM. And SS#2, who was totally hating on me 6 months ago, wanted to make sure he was able to talk to me on the phone before he was admitted to the residential treatment center, since he won't be able to talk to any of us for a while.

On the college thing -- What TOS is saying -- acurately, I might add -- is that poor kids can go to Harvard. They can go anywhere and get grants, scholarships, loans, preferential hiring for student jobs... There are a lot of doors that are open expressly to encourage socio-economically disadvantaged young people. And this is a good thing.

But that kids who have a parent who is affluent but won't pay for college are not eligible for these same types of programs. The same doors that are open to kids from low-income families -- those opportunities they can use to work their way through college and climb their way up the ladder of opportunity -- those doors are closed to kids with an affluent parent. So a child with an affluent parent that could help but won't actually doesn't have the same opportunities as a poor kid. And that does burn.

Thanks for clairifying sweeby~I could see being upset over that.The real question though,is why wont he pay? Theotherside,maybe you somehow think it is the stepmom's fault? I'm sorry for your situation.I think many women would be upset by this~but you cant let the negative feelings take you over. There comes a point when you just gotta let it go.So your ex husband sounds like a jerk...but it's his relationship with the kids that will suffer,and that is his loss.
I think to base your life on just your kids though isnt enough.Not saying you should re-marry...but one day when the kids are gone,you may feel pretty lonely.You sound kinda lonely now.

Glad you can see it CoolMama -- I think she said the money was StepMom's though -- so not even really BioDad's... A nasty glitch in the system...

sweeby,

You described the issue very well - thank you. Harvard is one of a number of top colleges that have pledged to meet 100% of the need of all its students.

My ex-husband makes enough that he should be able to contribute to college, especially since he lives rent free. He and I together make little enough that our kids would still qualify for sizable scholarships, though. Unfortunately, his income combined with his wife's (and her investments, most likely), make him appear quite well off, significantly reducing the financial aid available to our kids.

Why won't he pay? That is a good question. He mentioned many times that he wished he had known more about financial aid so that he could have gone to a "good" college, so it came as something of a shock that he doesn't really care where (or if?) our kids go to college. It may be driven by his wife; it may be that he would rather have a very comfortable retirement.

BTW, by the time my kids are all grown and gone, I will be elderly. I doubt if I will have time to be lonely, since I will still be working full-time in order to pay off those college loans.

That makes me sad for you theotherside...In the aspect of providing for your kids,I admire that trait very much.It just seems as though you should be able to have some personal happiness too along the way.
It doesnt seem right the college would consider his wife's income as part of his income (since child support agencies dont do that~for instance,social services doesnt take into effect money I make in order to deduct from my husband.Or,if he owed money,they cant come after me for it)
Does your ex and his wife have other children? What do your kids say about the fact that their dad wont help out with college?

TOS, I may not agree with everything you say because I am a stepmom and one that adores her stepchildren I might add and so I am sure that you will find it hard to ever agree with me also. I usually read posts that I may either A. Give support to someone or B. Get support from someone and I would love to give you support but it is hard for me to do that as the only thing we have in common is we are mothers. I do feel bad for you and your situation, but I feel bad for anyone in a bad situation and would love it if I could help. I can only pray that things turn around or make a suggestion that you may or may not like.

I noticed when I was reading your post and I came across the statement below (that I copied from your post) that you seem to like going to stepfamily message boards for some reason....

"I read one post (I think on a different forum) where a stepmother could not understand why she was not welcomed by her husband's extended family at any events - "merely" because she and the husband had begun their affair while his wife was pregnant with their fourth child. What I found shocking was that some of the respondents were actually sympathetic toward her."

If you disagree with the idea of a blended family so much then why are you so interested in the message boards that are full of step parents? I mean don't get me wrong it is a free country and you can post as you like but what do you gain from it? I am very sorry if you or your kids were wronged but nobody here can fix that BUT maybe there is a board where people are in your exact situation that can offer you support. I would be more than happy to look some up for you. Again, that doesn't mean you shouldn't post anywhere else ( I am taking a huge risk at being ridiculed) but maybe if you found some support.....

I don't think you NEED a man in your life that's your choice but we have all found someone who makes us happy and along with the happiness comes some downs too. You can find downs in most families and the people here just happen to have blended families....by choice. In any case all anyone wants here is support and constructive advice.

Again, I am sorry for what you have gone through but I have trouble understanding your logic. I know for a fact that my children would much rather have their step dad at their events than their dad...one of their dads walked out of their life and my ex who adopted them abused them emotionally and physically so I don't see how my husband not supporting them would benefit them at all. I know all situations are different but I am just showing you "another side" and I know there are more like it.

I will continue to pray for you.

""I read one post (I think on a different forum) where a stepmother could not understand why she was not welcomed by her husband's extended family at any events - "merely" because she and the husband had begun their affair while his wife was pregnant with their fourth child. What I found shocking was that some of the respondents were actually sympathetic toward her." "

Are you sure you understood this part Blessed? To clarify:

Mom and Dad are married and Mom is pregnant with child #4. Meanwhile, Dad is having an affair with 'the other woman'(TOW) and leaves Mom mid-pregnancy to be with TOW. The post was from TOW wondering why Dad's family doesn't welcome her.

If I were in that situation and was left by my husband...I would feel angry if he brought the woman he left me for to an event - if the event were to be my childs wedding or birth of my grandchild. A graduation or something of that sort would not be so bad. If I were to be "TOW" - I would have enough sense to stay away from things that involved my stepchildren...especially in the beginning. It does take two to make a mistake...and it is not just "TOW" fault...even more fault of the husband. Does not make any rights here though.

tos...I thought there was alot more to your story and I am happy that you told it. I hate for you as well that your ex is not paying for college to Harvard. I have to agree with others....you do not have to send your kids there. I would love to send my daughter...but chances are she will go to a more local college, and that is ok. I am not sure what kind of father he is other than not paying for college to Harvard, or what kind of SM your children have?? There are many bad situations in this world today. Worse situations than yours, mine and many others. Maybe you should open yourself up a little more to your ex and his wife, then maybe, just maybe a little more funds will go to your kids education. You have to try and work together, but if you are the type to deny the SM to attend ANY functions with your children and you always have negative things to say to your ex, chances are he will not work with you except for what he is made to do.

I am sorry I didn't make it very clear. It was late and I started thinking maybe I should get to bed...lol. I absolutely in no way would ever think it is ok to be TOW. If I were in that situation you can bet there would be some hard feelings. The only thing I was saying and I guess most came from some other posts (my fault for not clarifying that) is that it can be very beneficial and supportive to have a step parent at certain events which is the case for all of my children. My husband has never once thought that his ex's spouse should not be at the kids' events and actually my ex has never thought twice about my husband being at my childrens events and I think that is true in many other instances we have read on these posts. The opposite can apply also if the motivation is wrong. That is all I was saying about attending events and it wasn't directly related to the case with TOW. Again, I do not agree with adultry.

I guess I copied too much when I was quoting TOS and then my comment about attending events led everyone to believe that I couldn't see why there would be tension and anger in that situation. My point being with the quote was more directed at the fact that TOS is apparently fasinated with message boards that involve step family situations because she admitted to being at another board that involved step families so not that I am trying to be a judge at what boards she visits but I am just curious as to why she seems to pick at things on these boards when we didn't do anything to her and we all just want a little support and advice (not that we have to agree with everyone) but maybe she could get passed some of the issues she has with step families if she visited more boards that were similar to her situation which is obviously not a blended family. It could help her immensely. I am trying to help I guess and make a suggestion to her. I am not saying I think she shouldn't be here at all but what is the attraction if she doesn't agree with anything here and what we are trying to do for each other? I am sorry for whatever it is that has caused such turmoil for her and my husband and I are pretty much in the same situation as far as paying for just about everything for all of our kids. I recieve a couple hundred dollars in CS from my ex for four kids and my husband pays over a thousand a month for his five while my ex holds a minimum wage job and his ex doesn't work. We just know that we have the satisfaction of the kids' success and happiness. When we look back when they are grown our reward will be just that....their happiness and knowing that we have nothing to be ashamed of.

You know my 14 year old SS and I were just talking a few days ago and he told me that sometimes when parents remarry the kids are afraid that not only will the step parent not be good for the kids but the kids are also worried that person may not be good for their bio parent. He continuted to tell me that he is very lucky for who he has in his life. I simply said....thank you. It was from the mouth of a child who feels loved and blessed...I couldn't ask for more.

Sorry this is long but I just wanted to make it a little more clear...sorry for the confusion.

God Bless you all

i don't attend school functions and events because the ex wife has been violent in the past. She belongs on Jerry Springer and i don't feel the need to subject myself to even seeing her or her deranged relatives. My boyfriend of course goes to their functions but i think it's silly to think that they should sit together or act like a family. Get with the modern world. It's not the step mom's doing that the children were brought into the world and exposed to a relationship that didn't work out. The BM is part of the kid's family. The BD is part of the kid's family. But they are no longer a group. If they were, then the BM and the BD would work as hard as the step parent works to keep the relationship a happy place for each other and the kids. Come on already. Let's stop blaming the step parent for being alive and in need of love.. after all.. no one is blaming the kids for it.

lookingforinfo...no one SHOULD be blaming the kids. I don't really understand that comment. If you are a woman who works hard to keep everybody happy and the relationship working between your boyfriends kids and yourself, congratualtions to you. I'm very happy for your boyfriend and his kids and I'm sorry for you that the mother doesn't cooperate. But that isn't always the way it works. The easier the parents can make it on the kids, the better, and if they can sit together and act civilized and friendly at school/athletic functions, the better off the kids will be for it.

i agree raek.. if they can act like normal people that's great. But we have a freak on our hands. and i agree.. no one SHOULD be blaming the kids.. that's what i mean. i just wanted to emphasize that no one SHOULD blame the step parent if they choose to show up at those functions as well. On the same token, i don't think the kids will turn into serial killers if the parents don't want to sit together.

I guess I just misunderstood. You're right. If she acts like a Jerry Springer Guest, I wouldn't want to sit with her either!

coolmama,

His wife has children by her first husband. As to how do my kids feel about the fact that their father won't contribute to college - they are hurt, but at least some of them have given up expecting much from him (financially or emotionally).

jenny_alabama,

It is not just Harvard or similar that he won't contribute toward - he won't contribute toward college expenses period. It is not that he doesn't want them to go; he just doesn't want to pay for any of it.

blessedmom,

I happened to find that story on another board the day I came across this board. You'll be glad to know (or not) that I thought the people here seemed more normal - I didn't bother bookmarking that other board.