i have experienced the extreme of this, them trying to destroy us. At first it was just to break us up, when they were in their early teens, now there is just such distain, I feel they are trying to destroy us. Virtually destroy us. They cause all sorts of trouble and make all sorts of claims. My DH and I can't even be alone in a room with them without some bogus claim. He is still torn because he left them with his ex knowing she was unstable when he divorced her. Guilt. They call him and act as if nothing is wrong, and he is torn up again. They are poison and I am forced with making decisions based on their actions. Decisions I never thought I would make. I believed so wholeheartedly in 'unconditional love' but I guess I am not the person I thought I was. Not at all and I have to face that every day, I am ashamed that I don't love them. I am ashamed that I can't handle this anymore. I am not as strong as I believed I was. I tried so hard to love them, so hard for so long. I was so forgiving for so long, I didnt realize that my body was capable of forgivness for only so long. I didn't know that I had a 'forgivness limitation'. I never would have believed it but now I am forced to live with a whole bunch of realities that I cannot change. I cannot love them enough to affect them. I cannot force them to make peace with me. I dislike the person that they uncovered in me, the one with no more forgivness, the one who has exhausted the unconditional love I thought I had. Everyone can judge me and that is fine, but this is the raw reality of how I feel. Your personal judgement can't be any harsher than how I feel about myself and my choices, so have at it. I knew when I wrote this, how harsh this support board can be, I have been lerking for a while.

Hecalls and Cawfe are correct, oh my, she didn't have full custody, they had 50/50 but she spent six months fighting for full custody just before she left. I think cawfe summed it up best. She won't take or return SD's calls, except when it's convenient for 'her'. She has called after SD is asleep, then says we're 'keeping her baby from her' because DH won't wake up SD to talk. Whenever she has SD with her, all she talks about is her 'butterfly' wedding that she's planning with BF and they are all lovey dovey so SD ends up feeling like she's not so important to her mom. Mom left and forgot about me. SD has told DH that she feels BF stole her mom. It was the way in which it was done. She sent SD on her regular week to DH and moved during the week while we had SD. Then, the day she was supposed to get SD back, she tells DH 'I can't take her, I've moved. I met Mr. Wonderful and we're getting married. Can you tell DD?' He said 'you tell her yourself' so they agreed that BM would tell her and DH would be there. BM sits down both her girls and tells them, not only is she moving three hours away and leaving SD with dad, but she also tells them that she's marrying this guy (whom they have known for two weeks) and another significant thing to note here, she had a different BF just a month earlier that she told SD she was getting married to, but she went on a trip out of state and she broke up with him while she was gone, came back and met this new potential husband. I think any 8 & 12 year old would be confused, upset and feel abandoned. That is the word her counselor has used many times. FD, you may feel that because she see's her mom, she isn't abandoned and apparently you won't see things through the eyes of a child that was left for a BF. That's YOUR problem but I think everyone else understands how heartbreaking it must be for this child.

I think a good compromise (and to make it less confusing) would be to come up with names such as "Nana" or "BonusGramps" (or whatever is decided) that are different enough from both "Grandma"/"Grandpa" and their full names so that it acknowledges that they are 'elders' with some 'extended' or 'blended' family ties without being uncomfortable for anybody. Even if it's a silly or unique nickname that the kids come up with. For example, I named all 4 of my *biological* grandparents when I was very young, and it stuck: "Mama Gin", "Papa Si", "Mom-Mom" and "Teet" (the last one was b/c this grandfather loved iced tea). Not knocking the old stand-bys "Grandma" and "Grandpa", but I really like the idea of personal unique nicknames for each. And it segues well into having unique names for SGP's. One good thing about your situation is that, unless the SGP's are real Buttinsky types, the kids having "bonus" grandparents is geenrally only going to be good. I say that based on maybe an idyllic conception of GP's as being involved in the GK's lives primarily as additional support and doting... Hopefully that'll be the case here.

"But here, as Ima said, there is a community of SMs who think Dad should not chip in." Where did I say that? You said, "And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college." All I did was rephrase it because you didn't like that only a 'part' of your sentence was used and I didn't want to take it out of your context. YOU imply that this SM community feels that dad doesn't have to pay for college and therefore you don't need to get lectured by any of us. Well, that is not the same as ME saying that all SM's here feel that way. What I'm saying is that you choose to be a part of THIS online community. Nobody is forcing you to be here. Personally, I don't think college costs are the right of any child, unless there is a law that states it (or by agreement). I agree with Kathline that it varies from person to person and I have three bio kids. One that is in college and I'm helping him all I can. It would be nice if his dad would help him but legally, neither of us is obligated. Morally... maybe. I have another son that I know would not do well in college. I'd like for him to go but he doesn't have the motivation to do that. If he was motivated and would benefit, I'd help him too. I don't think college is as important as others because most people that I know that went to college, ended up doing something other than what they went to college for. There are also many successful people in my family that did not go to college. I don't think college equals success. I think that college educated people can be more successful than uneducated people, but not always. But, none of that matters because your point here is not about who should pay for college. It seems more to bash people that don't agree with you and blame stepmoms for kids not going to college. Several people here have (bio)kids that have gone to college and paid for their own college (my son is working to help pay his way too) and just because they would hold the same standard for their stepchild, they are being criticized and somehow you try to relate that to whether they now have the right to discipline in their own home, because they don't agree that dad should pay for college. And then you bring up your ex's SO lifestyle and comments that she's made to your daughter about you. What does that have to do with discipline. Apparently, your daughter doesn't spend much time with her dad and his SO isn't going to have to worry too much about disciplining her and he's already bound by your agreement to pay for her college... so what is your freakin' point???? How does anything you've said relate to this thread???