Success rates of stepparents dealing with vindictive ex's?
jupiterj
17 years ago
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Vivian Kaufman
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Confused About BF's kid and Ex-Wife
Comments (18)Now that I have completely read the entire thread, I have one more comment. As far as mom putting things in the kids head. Maybe take a step back and look through a different set of glasses. This may not be mom's doing. He is 6. My dd was saying these things to me and to her dad at age 6 and NO one was saying them to her. She is now 11 and told me just the other day, 'I wish you and my dad could love each other'. It was completely out of the blue. We have been divorced for 6 almost 7 years and it's been quite a while since she has said anything like this. She did go further to tell me that she is grateful for my dh and for her little brother but that she just sometimes wished our family was normal. I think maybe a 6 yr old talking about mom and dad together is very normal and does not mean mom is telling him to say these things. The things you would be seeing from a 6 year old if their mom was telling them things would be actual actions and not words. He isn't going to remember to recite word for word what mom said to say to dad's new girl friend. He would be angry at you, disrespectful and he would not at all listen to what you say. And he would be distant with his dad. Those are signs of parental alienation. The child would be so pulled and would shy away from affection from dad if this were happening. Sounds like he just has a lot of memories that he wants to share. In the very beginning of my divorce. I was bitter. My ex had met one lady and they moved so fast. (they are married now). I dated here and there. My friends set me up, I met a guy through work. I even got in to a relationship that ended badly. I did feel like something was wrong with me. How did this man go on and find someone to fall in love with, to move in with, start a new life with and I was just still searching. Sure it's silly to an outsider but according to my therapist I am a very normal person with very normal feelings. What made me even bitter was the new woman was wanting to 'get to know me so that I would know who was caring for my daughter'. I didn't want to know her or what she had that I didn't. Yup, that's insecurity and again very normal. My ex was back and forth back and forth. We'd sleep together and then he would go back to her two days later. She never knew any of this but I was bitter and she pegged me as the crazy ex wife that wasn't over her man. Yup, I wasn't over my husband, my ex husband, my marriage, my divorce, my family, my broken home but he was but not really because he couldn't stay put. It was very hard and after a couple of years I met a wonderful man and I'm very happy with my life however there is still that little pang of, my daughter has two mom's. When she was born I never Invisioned that. Had I known, maybe I would have held her more or maybe I would have taken more pictures. Maybe I would have watched her sleep more because I would have known that I would miss many nights of having her in the next room. Divorce is hard on everyone and just because someone still has feelings and might seem bitter doesn't make them a bad person or crazy. I didn't want to hang out and have coffee with this new person. I didn't want her in my face. I didnt want her to answer the phone when I called because I surely was not calling to talk to her. I don't think I would have felt that bitterness at all had she just let me be and stay out of my co-parenting. She thought (maybe she thought I don't know) that I wanted to know what my daughter was doing when I wasn't around and honestly no, I didn't want to know. I was better off being blind and dumb but she thought she needed to inform me because she was just trying to let me know what kind of nice person she was. Nope I didn't want to know. And I really think had she just stepped back and stopped rubbing her new little life in my face, I could have just been blissfully ignorant and not felt bitter. I bet if you just step back and not even show yourself at all to her, that bitterness will die down. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't do pick up or drop off. Don't send emails. Just be your BF's girlfriend and the mom to your kids. Be kind to his son and love him be there for him and she will see that she didn't need to be bitter and her insecurities were unfounded. It took me a year or two to realize that I am in control of me and my relationship with my daughter is about me and me alone. I am the only one that can ruin what we have. But it does take time after a divorce to feel secure in that. I felt like a failure in many areas. But after a while I realized I am not....See MoreHow do I deal with an ex-wife who is bitter?
Comments (15)I came here to find info and boy oh boy did I! I found that some of the info here is REALLY biased in favor of the new wife. Before I continue, I want you to know that I'm on both sides of the fence. I'm an ex w/child & I'm think'n of marry'n a man with an ex w/child who manipulates & controls as well. So, I can see both sides. To organic_maria; when I read parts of your post, my blood boiled. How do you think that you and your husband can go and take away from another child because you now have one of your own. Ya can't do that! If he could not afford 2 children then he should not have had another baby! But you CAN NOT rob Peter to pay Paul! You can not take from one household to put into yours. I don't care what "SHE" has. That baby is "HIS" responsiblity as well. Unfortunately, you won't get this (foolish lady) until after he breaks his vows & divorces YOU, leaves YOU w/children, remarry's & has children by his new wife & then takes food out of YOUR child's mouth to be able to feed his new family at the command of his NEW WIFE. Therefore, a reduction in CS is not go'n to happen. Allow that man to pay what it is he's supposed to pay for his child. That's the right of the child...to be supported by both parents. You(foolish lady) are ask'n for conflict w/his ex when you do silly things as such. Do NOT help him to runaway from his financial responsibilites in order to make you happy. It's bad enough that the child has lost it's full time father. In these situations, you can't have it all. Don't put him in that position of taking away from one child to give to another. You'll stress out your marriage...even more. Next, the ex probably has a good reason as to why she's so nasty towards him. I'm not say'n that being vendictive is right but maybe he did somethings to hurt her deeply during their marriage; you don't know, you were not there. You just know what he's told you & choose to believe him because you love him and of course he would NEVER lie! And, that may be true, maybe he doesn't lie to you. Maybe he's a "good man" NOW, but what was he like years ago before you met him? What was he like during his first marriage before all of the lessons he's learned at her expense? Again, I'm not say'n that she should be an evil **** but karma is a MF! If ya don't want it to grow, then don't sow the seed. I can't mistreat a dog & not expect to get bitten at some point. I just think that MAYBE....just MAYBE he should go to his ex & try to make things right. I'm not say'n get back together w/her because what's done is done, but if there's still bitterness there then there's some unfinished business. And with many of YOU being WOMEN, I would think that YOU would encourge that! All of these excuses as to why your ex stayed with such a "witch" is nonsense, he stayed because he wanted to stay. He married her because he wanted to marry her...unless she was into some kind of spiritual voo-doo & put a hex on him? There's always 2 sides to a story and all of you are all hyped up on what "he" said. Yeah, he's tell'n you about all of her skeletons but he's not say'n much about his is he? He was an angel! And, I betcha on her side, she's tell'n her new guy about all of his skeletons and how he was so aweful to her w/o tell'n how she pulled a knife on him in his sleep & set the bed on fire! My point here is don't be so dang on biased. I know you're angry...I get that but you don't know her so why are you angry at "HER"? Because she get's a certain % of his income in which she's entitled too? Because "HE", your husband is weak and easily controlled. Because "HE" your husband feels guilt? Hmmmmm, and why is that? Why does he feel guility if he did noth'n wrong? Your husband needs to man up & accept responsiblity for his part in their failed marriage & try to make things right. Again, not say'n allow her to manipulate, but he needs to put all of his cards on the table & apologize for "HIS" part...because dispite what "HE" say's. He had a part! This way maybe some of her bitterness will fade unless she's really just a certified mental case. And, even if she is maybe he can assist w/that. Maybe the both of you can assist with that. Divorce is hard on EVERYBODY. You as a woman should feel some empathy...her marriage failed & him as the father of his child/ren should care just a bit because let's face it. She is the mother of his child/ren & her child/ren LOVES HER & HE loves his children. NOTH'N you do or say will EVER change that. Do something as his current wife to try and encourage peace & get off of your "what about me" soap boxes. In reality, he should have never moved on to a YOU until he was done with HER. And, I mean completely done and I'm not talk'n about a certain time span. You can be divorces from your spouse for 20yrs and still have unfinished business. I came here to try & find some good information and sadly to say, there wasn't much maturity here. Being someone who's been on both sides of the fence, I encourage my guy to do the right things by his children and even his ex. I'm not into sowing seeds of hatred, bitterness and anger. If an "I'm sorry" on his part can help that woman to heal then by all means, apologize & then maybe she can find some happiness and we can go on with our lives!...See Moreany of your ex's use parental alienation tactics?
Comments (24)Hello Everyone, this update is long overdue. After my last post, we got a Custody Evaluator involved. After five months of psych tests, evaluations, mandatory counselling etc, etc, the Custody Evaluator saw through the ex-wife's crap. It was such a relief to have someone take the time to really look into what was going on. The girls have been through hell and back. They are in counselling now. The Custody Evaluator gave 50/50 access and will determine legal custody very shortly. It was confirmed that the ex-wife was doing drugs, was drugging the girls, was leaving them alone and in fact and generally being an absolute horrible parent. The Evaluator actually said in the meeting, "you abandoned your children for years" But, the system still favours mothers, particularly ones that cry the blues and say they have changed, and very generously gave her 50/50. Not that we don't want the girls to see their mother, but the damage she continues to do with her extreme alienation tactics is horrible. The girls therapist is going to report back to the custody evaluator in a few months and will no doubt confirm the girls' issues are being caused by the mother's alienation tactics. Hopefully they can force her to stop emotionally abusing them. It is painful to watch. I can't imagine what they are going through when they go to her house. While she cried that she is a changed woman, she is continuing to do the same things before the evaluation. By the way, my and my husband's psych tests came back very positive. While we have not had the opportunity to review the ex-wife's, we already know that it came back that she is seriously emotionally screwed up. We know that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She has been court ordered into regular therapy. She has been court ordered not to use drugs or alcohol when the girls are with her. There are many more restrictions. The good news is that there is hope and the girls have not been taken away from their father simply because he is a man. The bad news is that she is continuing to get away with her behaviour simiply because she is the woman/mother. I want to thank all of you who recommended certain books and sites etc. They were all very helpful and helped us cope with this stressful situation. Please keep your fingers crossed that in a few months, the father is granted sole legal custody. The mother is completely incapable of putting the girls first and of acting reasonably. He is a great father and has always put them first and I have no doubt always will. It was so nice to finally have an "official" state in front of everyone that the girls were living in a very stable andloving home until the mother decided to get back into their lives and cause havoc. We pray that this ordeal is over soon so that we can all get back to living....See MoreSuccessful stepmoms
Comments (10)Sweeby-I also really don't give much thought to whether BM likes me or not I am concerned moreso with her voicing to the kids those feelings and how that will affect our relationship. I could see if I was mean or nasty to her children but I love spending time with them doing fun stuff etc. I can so relate to manipulative,vindictive,drama queen in fact DH just let me know that while he and the children were at an outing together she showed up and started a huge very loud and vocal argument RIGHT in front of the children and about 20 or so others. It's so unhealthy for the kids and she starts these fights all the time and think enjoys it more when there's a big audience. I also like you heve NEVER and will never put their mother down in front of them. DH and I have a deal that if we need to discuss BM issues we do it when they are at their mothers not with us. Also when they do talk about mom I'm always encouraging like oh that's great you and mom....I always respond positively cuz she is their mother and don't want them to feel that they can't share their good feelings for mom with me..she puts them through the ringer enough with loyalty issues I would never do that. I GREATLY respect you for how you supported your sons relationship with SM I'm sure that it had to be challenging for you at times but it's a great testament to how much you love your son. VISTA -"To allow your kids to like their dad's sm/gf is probably the most selfless act a BM can do." GOD I so wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Like you at first everything was great with the kids they ran in the door to see me, couldn't wait to tell me about what's new, excited about what games we would play. That all changed when I moved in, now I'm sure some of it was it sinking in to them that mom and dad were not going to be together again but I believe that most of it was BM. Started to hear "don't like you cuz momma don't", gum in my hair, cutting of my hair, not saying hello anymore when walking in the house after I had said hello 4/5 times... MY DH is really wonderful though and after the first night the kids loosen up again and we end up having fun. But it has never been like it was and I wonder also what it could've been if she had been positive. Like the other week I bought the kids MLB jerseys for helping me clean the basement, they put them on right away were so proud of them we played basesball for 2 hours then the following week I hear momma says we have to like our hometown team not your favorite team so now they are wall ornaments..(: I have found myself not trying so hard anymore after the other day, we were at an event where BM was and I went up to say goodbye to the kids who were standing by their mom and they wouldn't even look at me or resond to me and BM never said a word. I cried all the way home it hurt so much. This is why I am so thankful to have found this forum all of you guys help so much. DH tries I know but often I hear don't take it to heart or it's just a kid saying it and I know he's right but all I really crave is gee I'm sorry that must have hurt hang in there...... Weed30- that's great that your SD's mom was positive. I think some divorced parents fail to realize that their children have a NEED to feel free to love both their parents and should support each other in the child's presence. BM never buys cards for DH I did at first but BM told DH she didn't like it and kids told me momma doesn't like when you do that..so I stopped.. Sunny- I too had a similar conversation with his ex one day she came over cuz DH had yelled at daughter for taking something off the wall that she wanted to take to her moms so sd called mom and mom came over fighting with dh why didn't you just let her have it (which he was going to he asked her to wait till he could find something to replace it) whatever she should have let dh and sd work it out amongst themselves BM is teaching it's OK to manipulate but that's another story. Anyway she turns to me (this was Christmas by the way what a day!) and says I used to be just like you and in love but whatever you do don't have a child with this man he made me crazy because he never did blah blah....I stopped her said these are unresolved issues between you and him I have no part of that if you would like to discuss the kids or ways to make this easier on them I'm open to talk but I will not stand here and let you put down the man I love...we haven't spoken since besides a hi and pass the phone to one of the kids. My heart goes out to all you hard working loving stepmoms who have a BM like I deal with.. Thanks all...See Morejerseystepmom
17 years agojupiterj
17 years agocoolmama
17 years agobunglogrl
17 years agojerseystepmom
17 years agochrissy40
17 years agoproserpina
17 years ago
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