Success rates of stepparents dealing with vindictive ex's?

19 years ago

Just asking some voices of experience. First of all I knew this would be challenging but have never considered myself a quitter and still don't. I love my fiance and am growing to love my soon to be step-kids. When my now fiance and I began to get serious I went out to lunch with his ex thinking it would be a good idea for us to start to get to know each other. I talked about how it's probably hard for her to have another woman that's going to be involved in her kids lives and that I knew she was a good mom and that I knew my role- just another positive adult role model like a coach, teacher, friend and that I saw a friend of mines marriage break up because of a vindictive ex constantly talking bad about the stepmom and how psychologically it became too hard for her to watch the damage done to the kids and herself in turn,etc etc. I was very open and honest stating that we should have open communication between us feel free to constructive criticize.

She has come over and started arguments the last one Christmas day, bad mouthing my fiance right in front of her child, going on and on to me about my fiance and all his "flaws" as a person/father each time it started to go that way I kept trying to redirect Let's focus on the kids not your old marriage etc etc

Now she's sending e-mails stating that all the kids have professed that they hate me uncoerced.

Their attitudes with me always coincide with one of her outbursts except for the 6 year old.

She denies saying things in front of the kids but I know that it's a lie.

So far I have taken the high road if the kids don't talk to me or seem to not want to talk to me I just stay level and go with the flow. But is it best for the kids? I know their mom instructs them not to talk about things at our house cuz the older child scolded the younger one the other day saying momma said not to talk about so and so cuz daddy don't like them. So I don't want to put the kids in any kind of loyalty issue, but how can I cut through all the negative things she is saying to them Is there a good way?

Do I leave it alone?

Right now it's like a rollercoaster up/down and I've been just rolling with the punches.

But just last week we took the two youngest to a major sporting event and they had a wonderful time. My guess is that when they went home to tell her she probably got mad that they had fun and probably made some negative statements hence the new down cycle.

It's almost like I feel it would be better for them if I stopped planning fun stuff to do cuz it's almost like she's programming them that they will get negativity from her whenever talking about me/her ex or something fun we all did together and the poor kids probably feel disloyal or who knows how they feel? It must be so confusing for them.

Any suggestions?

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coolmama

19 years ago

Oh my...I feel for you!

I have so totally been in a similar situation.What I found as my downfall was,trying to "befriend" my husband's ex girlfriend (mother of his child).She did the same thing,would call me and not my husband and just say bad things about him.

It felt like she was trying to turn me against him.Stuff like,"He cheated on me...so he'll probably cheat on you"
My husband told me he didnt cheat on her,that they were broken up when he finally was with someone else,and I believe him! His whole family has said he is not the cheating type.
One time,my husband was going to mail his daughter 20 dollars for something,and it didnt get there in time.So his ex calls me (again,not him) to say he lost all "credability"
when it came to their child.
Frankly,I'd had enough.And I told my husband it was his ex not mine,and that I shouldnt have to talk to her anymore.

And I havent since.Let me just add though that his other ex and I can go to lunch and talk. She has never been spiteful or vindictive.We both respect each other.
I guess it really depends on the person and how and if they have enough closure.Obviously the wounds are still fresh to your husband's ex and she still feels someone should pay.

From now on,if you can at all,you should avoid talking to her at all costs.When she sees you arent going to play games and get all caught up in the drama,hopefully she will cool out.
Of course you shouldnt stop doing fun things with the kids.They shouldnt have to pay because their mom is being so immature.

If it gets bad though,maybe you should make legal arrangements and only deal with her through the courts.
I'm sure the kids do not hate you.They are just confused.

best wishes to you.

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Comments (9)

Vivian Kaufman
19 years ago
....and you'd better think long and hard about spending the next 15 years of your life dealing with a person like that.

I wish I could say that those things get better, but they generally don't. And frankly, your fiance is the one who needs to deal with his ex--not you. You may have all the good intentions in the world, but if she doesn't it doesn't matter. That's not a one way street.

Anyway, it's very possible that the only relationship that you will have with her is one of tolerance--and you will be doing all of the tolerating. Make no mistake. Read this forum a bit. Yours is not an uncommon scenario. Consider it five years from now, ten years from now, 15 years from now. At this particular moment, you have the CHOICE. Right now you make a choice. Once you marry, that choice is GONE. You are obligated.

Consider the worst that can happen, and multiply it by 3. There are days that you will feel like that. Then mulitply that by 15 years--which with a 6 year old is probably the amount of active child-rearing years that are left. Stepparenting is no place for weenies. The high road is yours ALL of the time. No questions. No complaining after you marry because you make a CHOICE right now.

Consider very carefully how adding your own biological children into the mix will affect your stepchildren....AND how it will affect your biological children. Consider remaining childless. To this day, I say that it is perhaps the single most advantageous thing that my husband and I have done. It was a good and right decision for us and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

I have much more to say on this subject, but I'll close with: do NOT expect the high road from an already poorly behaved ex-spouse because you won't get it. Consider very carefully how your fiance interacts with his ex-spouse. Consider very carefully if this current way is how you want to spend the next 15 years and then triple the amount of frustration and then decide again.
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Sweeby-I also really don't give much thought to whether BM likes me or not I am concerned moreso with her voicing to the kids those feelings and how that will affect our relationship. I could see if I was mean or nasty to her children but I love spending time with them doing fun stuff etc. I can so relate to manipulative,vindictive,drama queen in fact DH just let me know that while he and the children were at an outing together she showed up and started a huge very loud and vocal argument RIGHT in front of the children and about 20 or so others. It's so unhealthy for the kids and she starts these fights all the time and think enjoys it more when there's a big audience. I also like you heve NEVER and will never put their mother down in front of them. DH and I have a deal that if we need to discuss BM issues we do it when they are at their mothers not with us. Also when they do talk about mom I'm always encouraging like oh that's great you and mom....I always respond positively cuz she is their mother and don't want them to feel that they can't share their good feelings for mom with me..she puts them through the ringer enough with loyalty issues I would never do that. I GREATLY respect you for how you supported your sons relationship with SM I'm sure that it had to be challenging for you at times but it's a great testament to how much you love your son. VISTA -"To allow your kids to like their dad's sm/gf is probably the most selfless act a BM can do." GOD I so wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Like you at first everything was great with the kids they ran in the door to see me, couldn't wait to tell me about what's new, excited about what games we would play. That all changed when I moved in, now I'm sure some of it was it sinking in to them that mom and dad were not going to be together again but I believe that most of it was BM. Started to hear "don't like you cuz momma don't", gum in my hair, cutting of my hair, not saying hello anymore when walking in the house after I had said hello 4/5 times... MY DH is really wonderful though and after the first night the kids loosen up again and we end up having fun. But it has never been like it was and I wonder also what it could've been if she had been positive. Like the other week I bought the kids MLB jerseys for helping me clean the basement, they put them on right away were so proud of them we played basesball for 2 hours then the following week I hear momma says we have to like our hometown team not your favorite team so now they are wall ornaments..(: I have found myself not trying so hard anymore after the other day, we were at an event where BM was and I went up to say goodbye to the kids who were standing by their mom and they wouldn't even look at me or resond to me and BM never said a word. I cried all the way home it hurt so much. This is why I am so thankful to have found this forum all of you guys help so much. DH tries I know but often I hear don't take it to heart or it's just a kid saying it and I know he's right but all I really crave is gee I'm sorry that must have hurt hang in there...... Weed30- that's great that your SD's mom was positive. I think some divorced parents fail to realize that their children have a NEED to feel free to love both their parents and should support each other in the child's presence. BM never buys cards for DH I did at first but BM told DH she didn't like it and kids told me momma doesn't like when you do that..so I stopped.. Sunny- I too had a similar conversation with his ex one day she came over cuz DH had yelled at daughter for taking something off the wall that she wanted to take to her moms so sd called mom and mom came over fighting with dh why didn't you just let her have it (which he was going to he asked her to wait till he could find something to replace it) whatever she should have let dh and sd work it out amongst themselves BM is teaching it's OK to manipulate but that's another story. Anyway she turns to me (this was Christmas by the way what a day!) and says I used to be just like you and in love but whatever you do don't have a child with this man he made me crazy because he never did blah blah....I stopped her said these are unresolved issues between you and him I have no part of that if you would like to discuss the kids or ways to make this easier on them I'm open to talk but I will not stand here and let you put down the man I love...we haven't spoken since besides a hi and pass the phone to one of the kids. My heart goes out to all you hard working loving stepmoms who have a BM like I deal with.. Thanks all
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After lots of hard work, yes. We're 20 years into this marriage. When we married (2nd for both), I had a 14 yo daughter, he had 5 and 10 yo sons. Within 3 yrs we had one more son and one more daughter. Needless to say, we both worked full time. The first years were hell. My daughter was a princess and was not thrilled about the male invasion or the loss of our "Gilmore Girls" lifestyle. She was - to be charitable - difficult for the first year or so... she loved my husband, but hated the change in lifestyle. Thankfully, her acting out was limited and her girlfriends all loved the idea of babies and a big family and being part of the herd; peer pressure was in our favor. The s-sons were a challenge. They were with us every other weekend, 6 weeks in the summer, and most school vacas. There were many issues - lack of personal hygiene, disrespect, walking away from their messes, plus throwing footballs, baseballs, etc in the house - often directly at breakables... intentional damage disguised as accidents (that came to an abrupt end when they mistook one of their father's prized possessions for mine). Much of our trouble was fueled by their mom - she gave them permission to call my daughter and myself D----- B--s... "because that's what they are!", they would chew their food at meals and spit it back on the plate... "It's a game we play at home - my mother says we can do it here if we want." They were not big fans of soap, shampoo or water - clean clothes were unheard of ( they would arrive with a bag of dirty clothes) and the younger one even arrived one time with an awful rash on his 'lower extremities' that the doctor said was strictly from filth! The younger one actually went through a spell where he would not use toilet paper; he wiped whatever on the walls!!! I cried with relief many times as soon as they went out the door and headed for home. My husbands guilt was enormous; his fear of alienating and losing his kids was crippling. I was afraid to rock the boat or come across as a witch and I didn't want to undermine my husband. Ultimately, after many terrible arguments, we came to the conclusion that we were not presenting a united front. We also came to realize that my daughter and I were really fringe issues. The core problem was the boysÂ lack of respect for my husband and his condoning their disrespect and their behavior by catering to them. He also realized that the problem had become so significant that he was well on the path to destroying his relationship with them by virtue of his behavior. Kids instinctively smell fear and they know just how to leverage weakness. We had many family meetings where we invited their input but made clear that we set the rules. It took a long time (and a lot of tears) before there was any progress, but it happened. I think ultimately the boys stopped being so angry when they recognized that they were hurting themselves as much as (maybe even more than) anyone else and expending a great deal of energy doing so. Over time, they started to become more objective - sometimes a little embarrassed - and they eased into our routine. I found that "the more the merrier" helped - we encouraged each of the older kids to bring friends along and we kept them busy Â we went many places with two strollers and as many as 8 other kids between 7ish and 16ish? The herd/peer thing takes them into a world of their own where their behavior reflects on and impacts them - it's not about the parent/step parent. The kids are now 33, 30, 24 and the ÂbabiesÂ are 18 and 17. All the kids are doing well. The older 2 have long since finished college and have good jobs. Number 3 is in his last year of college; number 4 started college this fall and number 5 is the only one still here at home (and we're broke, needless to say). I am not the boys' mother, but we have developed pretty decent adult-to-adult relationships. They come to me for advice and the older one asked me to do a reading at his wedding. Our first grandchild is due this month. We all consider ourselves to be family. The kids do not think in terms of step and half sibs - they are brothers and sisters and are insulted when someone outside corrects them on the legal status of their relationships. The boysÂ mother has backed off significantly, but has not given up. She has worked very hard to gain the allegiance of D-I-L and recently let me know that she was the babyÂs real grandmother. It has been a great deal of work and I sometimes wonder if I would have done it if I knew how difficult and painful it would become. After all the ups and downs and all the noise and confusion, we now find ourselves having to adjust to a new and much quieter life, and to each other. Our oldest recently reminded us that we had never been/lived together without kids - I guess that will be our next adjustment/ challenge!
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You are dealing with an old fashioned bully. Bullying always stems from insecurities. You are doing the right things. You have kept an open mind, taken responsibility for your own mistakes and are willing to move forward, with everyone, for the sake of your child. This SM has some serious demons and you cannot help nor change her. In a perfect world everyone would be adult and put the childs needs and best over all welfare first. Unfortunately this is not a perfect world. You are a good mother, that is all you can be. Certainly monitor your child closely. Analyze her attitude and behaviors when she comes home from a visit with SM. Keep communication open with her, without poisoning her mind. No one wins from that. You are a loving and caring mother, wanting only what is best for your child. Even if that means "sharing" your role as mother with someone else. Not easy. I am in the same boat. Give yourself more credit, you are not only strong, but honorable. Strength is not about being able to yell, cuss and belittle someone, even getting physical. Strength in character is a MILLION times more valuable and honorable! Hold your head high honey, you get it. The child comes first, you totally get it! Good for you! She will see it and feel it every day. You can keep your child safe and secure with open communication. Having said that I must say I am kind, but not weak. If SM ever comes at you again, take her out! LOL
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jerseystepmom
19 years ago
My first piece of advice is read the book "Divorce Poison" -- it addresses much of what you are facing. Second, I would agree with what the others have said -- it won't get better and you must not feed into her drama. Learn to ignore her (yeah, easy to say...I'm still learning that bit!).

I faced the same issue, but my steps were teens. If we had fun and told Mom, they had her emotional breakdown to deal with. When they learned to lie to her about how bad it was with us, she would harrass us for subjecting her children to such utter boredom, etc. These bio moms are sick and do not understand (or care?) about the damage they do to their kids. It took me a while to understand that his ex has no maternal instinct, or she couldn't possibly do/say the things she does to her own children. By the way, in the end, my stepdaughter found it easier to just drop us and be loyal to her mother.....less crap to worry about and she knew her Dad would love her someday if she came back (I won't get into where we are now....! But it didn't really get better!!!!)

I would get the kids into therapy (alone, but also with you and their Dad). It helps when they feel they have a safe place to talk about the problems. If the kids are small enough, perhaps you should consider getting custody (an ugly path, but trust me....taking the high road doesn't necessarily help the kids....).

Ugh....there is so much to say...so in closing I would say:
1. Is your fiance in alignment with you on parenting issues and dealing with his ex? Does he need to establish or reinforce boundaries with her (when mine did it got worse before it got better!)? If you and he don't agree on these things......it will never work. My salvation is that my husband and I agree on how to handle the situation (doesn't mean we don't still fight about it, but....)
2. Are you sure you want to do this...?!

On a positive note, we did get his then 13 y/o son. He is now almost 16 and we have "saved" him from his mother and he is doing very well and recognizes the lies and manipulations, etc. He still sees her 2 weekends a month, but knows our house is where it is stable and normal and loving (without a huge pricetag). That gives me extreme joy (and I believe that I was brought to this situation to help him to have a stable family in which to grow).

Ok, long way to go to say -- if the ex is crazy, it is YOU who will have to do the real work . . . Are you ready?!!!!
jupiterj
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you cool,vivian and jersey I've been on this site enough to read your posts and have great respect for you all, your posts are heartfelt yet not candy-coated. Vivian and jersey you both stated you had more to say please go on if you do. I just ordered divorce poison from amazon. I really truly want to be one of the success stories and really appreciate your posts. I know that this is a CHOICE and have decided to wait awhile before marrying because of the way she is complicating things. My main concern is the children and what if anything I can do to actively let them know I just want to be another positive adult in their lives.
coolmama
19 years ago
Putting off the marriage for a bit sounds like a mature decision. You never know,you may decide later it is too much for you. I'm sure all step parents have felt that way at one time or another.If they say they havent then I dont believe them.

Just one question...How long has your fiance been divorced from his ex wife? Hopefully with time maybe she will calm down some.
It has only been a year for my sister who seperated from her husband and are now getting divorced~and she NEVER has anything nice to say about him.I personally think she over-reacts and blows things out of proportion.But both of them are still kinda jealous and there hasnt been much closure yet.

With my husband's ex (the one I have problems with) I think the reason she too is so vindictive is because she still wants my husband.You know what they say,there is a thin line between love and hate.

Anyways,you sound like a very caring person...and really,that is what the kids need. As long as you try not to play their mom's games,then you are doing the right thing.
bunglogrl
19 years ago
jupiterj you are a smart woman to address these issues before getting married! Yes, it's a rollercoaster. Yes, it's 3x worse that you could ever imagine. Think long and hard before you tie the knot. One thing you didn't mention that you should also think about is the finances - his money is crazy biomom's money until their children graduate.

I've been dealing with his vintictive ex for 17 years. Well, actually I only dealt with her for about a year before putting my foot down with DH. I haven't spoken to her in 15 years - no reason to, she's his problem not mine.

I agree with Vivian, the fact that we chose not to have children eliminates many of the competition/jealousy issues I read about on this forum. Jersey also raises a good point about being on the same page with DH, I'm lucky in that regard too.

You and your fiance will have to hammer out what will work for both of you and the children, but I'll share what has kept me (mostly) sane over the years. I gave up on the whole beloved stepmother fantasy early on, while the kids were still in grade school. I am *dad's wife*, and sometimes a pal, fine with me. They respect me and my home because I respect them. I don't discipline them. I didn't babysit when they were young. DH had to care for them on his weekends and they went to daycamp during the summer. Sure I'd provide transportation in a pinch, and of course I'd do laundry and cook (mostly so they'd have no excuse to complain to biomom) but DH didn't expect or demand it, he's perfectly capable of washing clothes and preparing a nutritious meal for his children.

I rarely inserted myself into their activities - I'd happily go to a game or recital if one of them asked, but dad time was dad time. It was hurtful and I felt excluded at first, but I got used to it. In fact, I went away with sis, mom or girlfriends many weekends during the middle school years of terror! On those occasions that I did plan something fun for us to do, DH and I pretended dad thought of it and dad made all the plans (again, to avoid sending biomom into a tizzy with stories about how bunglogrl took us to the zoo or whatever).

You're doing the right thing by going with the flow. Of course they'll hate you (and your DH) when biomom says bad things about either of you. They're kids. Their loyalty is to their mom, as is mine and probably yours as well. DH always went through with his weekends/summers whether they were mad or not - making for some very stressful weekends - but in hindsight I think he did the right thing. His attitude was that if they lived with him full time they wouldn't get to avoid him just because they were angry.

On the bright side - now that SS is a man with a job and responsibilities he and his dad are becoming friends and he realizes that his mom is a bit wacky. So I guess it does get better eventually.
jerseystepmom
19 years ago
How many children are there and what are there ages? Do you have any of your own? I do not -- and I agree with Vivian31 - not having kids together will make it easier (not to be confused with "easy"!).

Again, as I and bunglogrl have said -- if you and your fiance agree on the parenting issues and how to handle (draw the boundaries) his ex-wife, it will be more manageable. She has to see and understand that you will not tolerate or feed into her behavior and she will likely tone it down when she sees it isn't working. I would also add that my husband (who is a very well educated man) was somewhat um....not smart about her and her motives. I had to show him the ways in which she was manipulating him and their kids. You may have to do a little of that to get your fiance to see it for what it is (if he doesn't) and he needs to have a plan for dealing with her. My husband simply stopped responding to her numerous emails and phone calls. He would only address kid-related issues with her -- via email so he didn't have to listen to her go on and on with her own agenda. This really did work.... I actually had to say to my husband in the very beginning (but after we knew that we really cared for each other) that if he didn't learn to control how much she interferes in our lives, I would leave. I also told him that there is NO WOMAN who would tolerate what she was doing and that it would most certainly ensure he would be alone for the rest of his life. That woke him up and he took charge of the situation. And I cannot tell you how much happier HE is because of this. I won't get into his 19 y/o daughter and what a "mini me" she is of her mom, but. . . I'm just dealing with the ex issues.

Also, did you just get engaged? That is an event that may have heightened her desire to drive a wedge between you. While I would like to say getting married could have a positive effect on this, it is also true as said by everyone above: you marry him, you are stuck with all this! Better to lay down the ground rules now....if possible. If it isn't possible......run...

I have to run now, but will try to write more in the next couple of days!

Did you get Divorce Poison yet?!
chrissy40
19 years ago
I've been dealing with my husband's ex for 10 years now. The first 7 years were absolute hell. The kids lived with us (she didn't want them) but whenever they went to see her she made sure that they knew what she thought of me. We live in a small town and the stories I would hear about me were amazing. According to her, I was drinking and drugging and sleeping with half the men in town. I often wondered how I found the time to do all that, considering that I was working full time and raising her kids. But I just carried on with all I had to do at home and let her go on with her tirades. I figured that if the kids got to see who I really was on a daily basis then they would soon figure out that their mom was blowing hot air. And they did. Eventually her stories stopped (probably because after one particularly bad one I called the police and threatened to sue her with libel) and she started being civil to me. I had always been civil to her. I refused to ever say anything bad about her in front of the kids and made sure that my husband never did either. Over the years, we have made headway. We are not friends, but we are not enemies either. In fact, she and her husband came to our house for Christmas dinner this year. My decision. There was no other way to work it out. The kids are older and work and vacation schedules did not allow for her to see all of them at the same time other than at our home. It was not an unpleasant evening, but I do know that it will not be a continuing tradition in our home. I have always taken the high road. It was tough at times, but my husband and his ex finally have a divorce that works and I think that my being able to overlook a lot of her behaviours has helped a great deal.
proserpina
19 years ago
I agree with so much that has been said. However, I think that there is no one solution.

In my case, "Divorce Poison" -as many other step-parent/family books- became a semiread book because I couldnÂt deal with the bleakness of that situation. If you prepare for the worst (it does get 3x worse than what one can ever imagine), please keep on hoping for the best! The odds are against us step-families, but it can be done, and many people here are a testament to that.

I did the same thing you did with my "step-wife". I came from such a positive experience, I thought it would be possible NO MATTER WHAT. Boy, did she prove me wrong!

If I can give you any advice, here it is:
1. Please try not to let HER issues affect YOUR behavior with the children as others have already said. It sounds like you care for those children; keep on caring and letting them know that you care: they'll receive the message.
2. Find resources that make you stronger, not that instill further fear and doubt. I know there are certain people I can talk to, but others that just donÂt help. I talked to a family therapist to sort things out early on; I began reading books about parenting; I found a momÂs group where my biggest guide has been a bio-momÂ
3. TALK TALK TALK with your fiancÃ©. He can be your biggest ally as well as your biggest foe. I canÂt tell you the times my husband and I fought, I cried, we walked out on one another, but we stuck with it and things are so much better now. We hit roadblocks every so often, but we have gotten much better in overcoming them.
4. I hate to say this because I like to talk EVERYTHING out, but I agree with everyone in saying that minimizing communication with the children's mother is probably a good thing, at least for the time being. I am all about communication, but if you donÂt have clear boundaries (it takes time to set them, sometimes you have to seek legal recourse as we did), a big wall might just be the best solution for now.
5. Be watchful of that "chameleon" behavior many children of divorced parents exhibit. Reading up on it really helped us call them on it and help them get out of the habit. Their allegiance will always be towards their bio-parent, no matter how damaging these adults can be towards their own children. However, if addressed early on, it can be curbed.

The book that helped me the most early on was, "The Single GirlÂs Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife". It was so positive and encouraging. I laughed and cried with it and found some good practical tips that worked wonders in my situation. I adored my family-to-be and this book gave me so much hope when things got tough.

Good luck lady! Keep us postedÂ

PS I just want to say, if I have a gagillion semi-read books, I also refer back to them here and there. I am just not able to read them all the time or all in one period of time. It goes back to suggestion number 2, I try to stay positive.....

Success rates of stepparents dealing with vindictive ex's?

coolmama

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Success rates of stepparents dealing with vindictive ex's?

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