I can answer as a BM.

My daughter always had normal (not too close but just appropriate with no conflicts) relationship with her SM. Overall there was no problems whatsoever.

Prior to marrying this woman my ex lived with a gf for several years and again my daughter had nice relationship there.

I never said one bad negative word about my ex curent wife or his former gf. Any issues in regards to money or picking up the kid was decided between me and ex and SM never interfered.

If SM would not be nice to my kid(she is according to my daughter) it would be a different story. In fact my ex had an emotional affair with a woman who later becamse his living-in gf. Not exactly OW but close. And still I did not say anything to my daughter ever. So maybe because i kept good attitude there was never a problem with SM.

My ex MIL cannot stand his second wife and always complains to me and still I do not say a word. My daughter knows her grandma can't stand her SM, she just laughs about it. I always kept our kid out of problems between her parents, my ex did the same thing.

I didn't have parenting issues with my steps, I didn't try to parent them. His youngest daughter was 13 and I left the parenting up to her father.

I've done a lot of raising of my stepkids. LOTS. My DH has what is called "joint physical custody" in this state--meaning he gets a say in everything. Now, as to whether that REALLY happens,....I ain't so sure....LOL

Regardless, I get along fine with BM. She likes me. It's DH that she can't stand. We have always treated each other cordially and get along just fine. Now as to the fact that I think that she's a complete nut and a downright LAZY nut at that, well....let's just say I would NEVER say anything like that to the kids. They know already, frankly, but I still don't talk about it.

The kids are 16 and 13 now. Wow... Seems like just yesterday I was taking the boy (13) to preschool! I was even the parent who went with him on his first day of kindergarten since BM is a schoolteacher and had to be with her own class.

I would definitely consider us successful. There's no drama, or screaming fights, or "who's going to pay this?" anymore. We've all learned over the years how to get along--and I cannot tell you how much easier it is on the kids.

I love my kids and think the world of them. I would do ANYTHING for them.

Thanks for your responses.
finedreams I admire your choice to take the high road and put your children first.
jonesy I also leave the parenting to DH but have to step in at times when he is not home/or running errands with one of the other children.
vivian thanks for your post I too really hope that as more time goes by that all adults will learn to get along. I stay right out of it but DH and ex still have alot of drama. I have to say that I am very lucky because for the most part I have great relationships with his children. The oldest (11 year old girl) still is reserved but I'm just trying to be consistent in showing her that I care and enjoy any time we spend together..I'm just letting her set the pace.
As for the younger boys we go through phases that coincide it seems with BM being upset about something so 8 year old will say"don't like you anymore cuz momma don't" to which I was like that's OK it's your choice etc... and an hour later asks me to play a game LOL so it seems to be quickly diffused and the youngest has always been great. I think they all are amazing children with many gifts and talents for the world and feel blessed to have a place in their lives. I guess I was just wondering if as they grow older if bm keeps being negative if you thought they would start to adapt her opinion of me. I pray this will not be the case.
Thanks again

As a StepMother, I have absolutely no idea at all what DH's Ex thinks of me. In the 13 years I've been married to DH, I think I must have given that issue all of maybe 30 seconds thought? (Before starting this post, of course -- that adds a few!) I don't imagine she's given me much more than that in her mind either. I think she may be mentally ill (borderline personality disorder) and a possible alcoholic -- definitely a vindictive and manipulative drama queen. But I've certainly never even hinted that to her kids -- even when they've mentioned the possibility to me. His kids were 13 and 20 when we met, and were estranged from him (due to Ex's brain-washing), so I certainly had no part in raising them.

As a BioMom, I've been very lucky in my Ex's choice of a wife. He re-married 5 years ago after dating her for about 4 years, and she has a significant role in my 16 y.o. son's life. While I had some boundry issues with her at first (as a new GF, I think she waaay overstepped), I have come to appreciate and respect her, and now find it easier and more productive to talk with her about my son than to try to talk with my Ex. Besides, he's a very 'hands off' father anyway, and I honestly think, views his fatherly contribution as 'providing a good mother'. (How does that work?) But anyway -- I made it clear to my son that his StepMother loves him very much and that it is OK with me -- for the very best even -- if he loves her too. So now we all get along and DS get the benefit of two loving and supportive families.

I think the BM's attitude is probably one of the most important factors that can make or break a stepmother's relationship w/ the kids. Esp. if she has custody.

My DH's ex was a vicious, lying, deranged woman for a few years. I had worked w/ DH for a couple of years before dating him and knew the family - got along GREAT w/ the kids. In fact, it was me who did their dentistry!

Anyway, DH found out his then wife was sleeping w/ the middle skid's tennis coach. He had said that they were living separate lives, anyway, and that they had married only because she was pg and threatened to abort. Still, they were married 14 yrs.

A few months later, DH moved out. I had my first "date" w/ him a year and eight mos. later. It was right around the time the divorce was final, but a few days before. Her bf had just dumped her and moved out of state.

I guess that made me the reason they divorced, lol. The ex told the kids they could have worked it out had I not been in the picture. I was furious. She tried to ruin our practice, our lives, and was just the cruelest woman I'd ever seen.

A few years later, the ex found the Lord. To her credit, she did level w/ the kids. Sadly, I had high hopes for a little validation from them or something, but there was nothing, really. However, they do treat me much better now. It was AWFUL in the first few years.

The worst part is that she had told the kids to "get what you can get from your dad..." (our former employee was the ex's friend til the divorce; she was so appalled at the woman's actions and words to the kids that she severed ties - then, was badgered by the ex at work and eventually left her job due to the stress) So, I can't help but believe that they came around when they wanted stuff - namely, cars. I believe it was a combo of the mother's change of heart and the fact that Dad would try to 'bond' w/ these kids w/ big gifts. She taught them to manipulate, which is a sad, sad thing. She also had created so much tension between us all that it wasn't as if we could all just "let it go" 'cause she decided it was time to move forward and tell the truth. It's like telling your kids that the color black is white for several years, then telling them you were just kidding! You'd mess them up and confuse them for years - they couldn't just turn it around on the spot.

DH, btw, never told the kids what actually happened. I've often admired the way he held his tongue about their mother, but it also angered the heck out of me at the time...

My DH swears that the kids began to like me more as they got to know me, see me for me, etc. I don't think so w/ all the divorce poisoning that transpired. And, while I have some days where I think I'm part of the family, the girls can quickly make sure I am an outsider again. If this is your situation, just be yourself and be prepared for the cold shoulder, etc. The kids will be responding to what their mom tells them. It's possible that when they're much older, they will piece it all together and realize who the irrational one was. So, be the steady, stable current in their lives. Do not try to bribe them, bend over backwards, or anything. DH must step up to insure you are respected in your home, etc. I was a door mat and it left me w/ resentment I still harbor. So, be nice, cordial and if they're willing, be their friend. But, don't go out of your way anymore than you would for anyone else.

I do feel, however, that since the kids initally liked me and only turned on me when their mom lied to them, that we'd have had a marvelous relationship had they been allowed to like me throughout and not been taught to take advantage of us. To allow your kids to like their dad's sm or gf is probably the most selfless act a BM can do. Of course, many women aren't worthy of the kids as we have seen here, but I think it's pretty amazing if you can balance that all and not have loyalty issues for the children to shoulder when one side wants to remarry.

Dana

I give huge credit to my SD's mom. SD was 3 when I married her dad. Mom and SD lived out of state, and I can't imagine how it felt for her to send her daughter off to our house, especially since she'd never met me. In all the years we were together, SD's mom never said one bad thing about me or SDs dad. I think we would have known - kids repeat stuff, or say "mom said.....". She also always bought cards for SD to send for dad's bday, father's day, etc. Pretty remarkable.

After some initial uncomfortable feelings on both of our parts, SD's mom and I were able to talk on the phone, and hung out together if I was in town with or without SDs dad. I really, really admire her for putting her daughter first.

jupiterj, My stepchildren were older when I met DH. They were: SD 18 and SS 14 so they already had set personalities. The one and only time I talked to BM was on the telephone. DH and I were dating about one year. She called DH home to talk with SS (SS lived with dad) and I was the only one in the house at the time. I answered the phone and she went into how her ex more than likely told me about her affair. She appeared to be so concerned about the affair she had and explained DH and her had alot of problems not just the affair. I listened for a short time and then just said "marriage can be work". I ended the conversation after that. I have not talked with her since and do not really need or want to.

Bm has caused alot of divorce poison with the kids. I believe it is due to her marrying the guy she had an affair with and then divorcing him 5 months later. She then decided she wanted DH back, told the kids that she made a mistake and wanted their dad back. The kids attempted everything to break us up and to this present day thesed adult step kids continue to cause problems.

I keep hoping BM and adult kids SD 26 and SS 22 will grow up and move on with their life. So yes, BM has caused alot of hurt and stress in our life and has only hurt her children. If she would have allowed the kids to get to know me and enjoy me instead of making them feel guilty about liking me. The kids could have gained another adult as a friend that could of helped them grow and who would have loved them.

I see BM as a very selfish, manipulative, self centered, sad individual who only hurt her children and caused them much pain.

Sweeby-I also really don't give much thought to whether BM likes me or not I am concerned moreso with her voicing to the kids those feelings and how that will affect our relationship. I could see if I was mean or nasty to her children but I love spending time with them doing fun stuff etc.
I can so relate to manipulative,vindictive,drama queen in fact DH just let me know that while he and the children were at an outing together she showed up and started a huge very loud and vocal argument RIGHT in front of the children and about 20 or so others. It's so unhealthy for the kids and she starts these fights all the time and think enjoys it more when there's a big audience.
I also like you heve NEVER and will never put their mother down in front of them. DH and I have a deal that if we need to discuss BM issues we do it when they are at their mothers not with us. Also when they do talk about mom I'm always encouraging like oh that's great you and mom....I always respond positively cuz she is their mother and don't want them to feel that they can't share their good feelings for mom with me..she puts them through the ringer enough with loyalty issues I would never do that.
I GREATLY respect you for how you supported your sons relationship with SM I'm sure that it had to be challenging for you at times but it's a great testament to how much you love your son.
VISTA -"To allow your kids to like their dad's sm/gf is probably the most selfless act a BM can do." GOD I so wholeheartedly agree with that statement.
Like you at first everything was great with the kids they ran in the door to see me, couldn't wait to tell me about what's new, excited about what games we would play. That all changed when I moved in, now I'm sure some of it was it sinking in to them that mom and dad were not going to be together again but I believe that most of it was BM. Started to hear "don't like you cuz momma don't", gum in my hair, cutting of my hair, not saying hello anymore when walking in the house after I had said hello 4/5 times...
MY DH is really wonderful though and after the first night the kids loosen up again and we end up having fun.
But it has never been like it was and I wonder also what it could've been if she had been positive.
Like the other week I bought the kids MLB jerseys for helping me clean the basement, they put them on right away were so proud of them we played basesball for 2 hours then the following week I hear momma says we have to like our hometown team not your favorite team so now they are wall ornaments..(:
I have found myself not trying so hard anymore after the other day, we were at an event where BM was and I went up to say goodbye to the kids who were standing by their mom and they wouldn't even look at me or resond to me and BM never said a word. I cried all the way home it hurt so much. This is why I am so thankful to have found this forum all of you guys help so much. DH tries I know but often I hear don't take it to heart or it's just a kid saying it and I know he's right but all I really crave is gee I'm sorry that must have hurt hang in there......
Weed30- that's great that your SD's mom was positive. I think some divorced parents fail to realize that their children have a NEED to feel free to love both their parents and should support each other in the child's presence. BM never buys cards for DH I did at first but BM told DH she didn't like it and kids told me momma doesn't like when you do that..so I stopped..
Sunny- I too had a similar conversation with his ex one day she came over cuz DH had yelled at daughter for taking something off the wall that she wanted to take to her moms so sd called mom and mom came over fighting with dh why didn't you just let her have it (which he was going to he asked her to wait till he could find something to replace it) whatever she should have let dh and sd work it out amongst themselves BM is teaching it's OK to manipulate but that's another story. Anyway she turns to me (this was Christmas by the way what a day!) and says I used to be just like you and in love but whatever you do don't have a child with this man he made me crazy because he never did blah blah....I stopped her said these are unresolved issues between you and him I have no part of that if you would like to discuss the kids or ways to make this easier on them I'm open to talk but I will not stand here and let you put down the man I love...we haven't spoken since besides a hi and pass the phone to one of the kids.
My heart goes out to all you hard working loving stepmoms who have a BM like I deal with..
Thanks all

You know, I think the part that helped me the most at the beginning was imagining all of the brainless bimbos, the manipulative divas, and the lazy gold-diggers that my Ex dated as 'transitional girls' and might have married --

That made it so much easier to appreciate the woman he did choose to marry. She's not perfect, but she's clearly a good person with decent values who's trying her best. And she gets extra credit points for putting up with him!