Divorced but not separated!

I honestly do not understand why you are persisting with this losing proposition. He may "insist" he wants to be with you but really, if he did, he would have made the move when you did. He has not cut loose from his former wife and after all this time it is doubtful he ever will, at least, not for you.
Of course, the pros for him are that her can give a significant portion of his earnings to his ex-wife, assuage his guilt, and have you there to pick up the financial slack. Why wouldn't he want to keep stringing you along?
Don't "give him the chance to opt out". Cut him loose. Give yourself the chance, if you want a partner, to find someone who will be committed to _you_ and not someone who's committed to someone else and your wallet.

Let's break this down.

- You moved your kids somewhere else so you could make more money FOR your SO and thus indirectly his kids, yet he doesnâÂÂt want to contribute anything that benefits your children.

- âÂÂHe pays half his salary to his ex, who after four years still isn't working. Any less than half and he feels too guilty. It is NOT negotiable.âÂÂ

- âÂÂI only moved because he asked me to and he promised he would come.âÂÂ

- âÂÂHe promised me he would join me as soon as he could. That was a year and half ago. He does not ACTIVELY seek workâÂÂ

- âÂÂWhen his kids are not with us and my kids are, It's like he hates us sometimes.âÂÂ

- âÂÂI have told him how much it hurts to be with someone who always acts as though it hurts to be with me!âÂÂ

Sounds like a keeper to you? DonâÂÂt think about how things are when the kids arenâÂÂt there. ItâÂÂs easy to get along when things are easy. When things are tough - THAT is the true test of a relationship.

You are right, your SO wants to have it all. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to be with his kids and spending as much time as he possibly can with them. Some people can balance spending time with their kids and spending time with their SO without feeling guilty, but it does not sound like your SO is one of those people.

If your SO can not handle having a relationship with you in addition to spending time with his kids without feeling guilty, then he should not get into a relationship until his kids are grown. The sad thing is he's too much of a coward to admit this to you and it's far easier for him to keep stringing you along, letting you support him so he can support his kids. It does not sound like this is what you agreed to.

Pay no attention to what he says. Never believe what a man tells you, only their actions.

"Pay no attention to what he says. Never believe what a man tells you, only their actions."

exactly.

only it isn't just the men in our personal lives, it's everybody:

"The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker hammers home developing the *habit* of ignoring what people say & being very very perceptive of what they do.

That habit can save your life & it'll save you heartache.

I wish you the best.