Define My Role

17 years ago

I want to share what I just learned from my counseling from yesterday because I believe there might be people out there facing similar situation and have no idea why they feel this way.

It has been 4 years since I become a stepmom to 2 boys (6 and 8 yo now), but my resentment towards the BioMom continue to increase. We thought having our own child would change my feeling. Now our daughter has turned 1 yo, but my resentment towards the BM has not decrease. I started to look for help and that was how I came across this forum.

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship with open communication. He has been helping me in many ways hoping to blend me in with the family. He has taken the role as a father and has taught the boys to respect me, and has put me up front to handle matters. Gradually, the boys accept me, call me 'Mommy', and I love them dearly.

With all that's said, I continue to feel bad whenever I hear HER name, feeling so jealous of her and compare myself to her constantly. I searched for the cause to my feeling but could not find the answer. I blamed it was all because she was such a bad mother and that I am jealous that the kids still love her so much just because she is the bio mom, and feeling I am the one who teach them values and raise them full time. But one thing I did not understand was WHY I tried to avoid her in everyway I could think of. If I know her friends are going to be there, I immediately would not want to be around... I start to imagine she might go there as well because of her friends, etc.. I am starting to be jealous of her for everything she is, and try so hard to be better than her. My social life is affected because I am afraid I will meet someone who already knew her or is her friend (happened before). The resentment was driving me crazier and crazier and was affecting my relationship with my husband because the more I am sad, the more it will remind him about his past and the wound would never heal. We talked to our Pastor last night, and he pointed us to the right direction.

As I come into this family, unconsciously I try to define myself all over again. Without a direction and without knowing it, I constantly define my role based on his Ex's role. Our pastor advised my husband to help me build my confidence by encouraging me to be who I am, tell me how I am doing, or what a great mom I have become, and to help me shape my role in the house and outside of the house. He should proudly present me as his new wife, especially in front of his old friends who know his past. We should present ourselves as a couple and may be we should pick up the kids together instead of him alone. Then eventually I will not feel as if I am a shadow of his Exwife.

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Comments (3)

coolmama
17 years ago
OK,I'am not sure why you would have another child thinking that it would help you feel better towards the ex wife.
I also think this is a VERY unhealthy obsession for you. Obviously your husband didnt love her that much or couldnt get along with her or he would still be with her.
Is she like,overly attractive or something? And you feel bad about yourself,so you think your husband still wants her?

See,I just dont think you'd obsess so much if it was ONLY about the kids. Obviously you are feeling bad about yourself for other reasons.
After having your own daughter,cant you see the bond between mother and child and how she will always love you??? Even though you are raising your husband's kids,and you probably do a darned good job,how can you even wonder why they still love their mom so much? Children always idolize their parents and put them on a pedastool. It is not until they become teengers that they start disagreeing with them and seeing them in a different way.
Also,because they dont see their mom so much it allows them to see her through "rose colored glasses". Seems like the parent who isnt around as much is the one the kids talk about more because they miss them.
Personally,I have always felt the need to defend my own mother as well. Even as kids,and we know our parents do things wrong,they are still our parents and we dont want ANYONE saying bad things about them.My own daughter treats me the same...If I'm feeling really down and I'm like,"Oh I"m so ugly today" My daughter is defensive and she is like,"No you arent mommy!!! And if anyone says it I'll tell them to mind their own business!"

When these kids grow up,they will see how you cared for them and were the stable part of their lives that they needed so much. But NO MATTER WHAT their mom ever does,they may always defend her and love her. I can see how it may still be a little hard for you to understand because your own daughter is only a baby still. Wait until she gets older and you'll see how "mommy can do no wrong" in the eyes of a child who loves them.
I think you're being too hard on yourself,and instead of focusing all this wasted time and energy on The EX,you should put that energy into something positive and I think you will start to feel better about yourself.
choppymom
Original Author
17 years ago
I did not mean I want the kids to make me feel better towards my husband's Ex. I meant to say I took the wrong direction thinking it was because I felt unfair for doing all the things she should be doing and therefore I resent her.

No, she is not attractive, and definitely I knew she cannot take my husband away from me, and clearly I knew she is the mom of the 2 boys. The kids treat me nicely, there is no resentment from the boys to me, so I was not jealous of her because of the kids. It was a weird kind of jealousy that I could not figure out where it came from until we talked to our pastor.

After our counseling last night, I start to see it was about the "Role" I was not clear of, and therefore my husband's Ex became the 'model' I tried to shape myself into. Then the pastor suggested my husband to help me shape up my confidence as his new wife and be comfortable to who I am.
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sarahl
17 years ago
Dear Choppymom,
Do you wish you were their real mom? Do avoid her and resent her more, because you feel mothering even more deeply, now that you have your biological child too?
Now that you have a child with your husband and you know that feeling, you imagine him with her that way, when the other children were born. Such a strong bond and love, you now are thinking he shared with her too. That is a totally intimate thing. I can understand that.
Do you think also about how wonderfully fortunate you are?
You have a husband you totally adore and vice versa, 2 step children who love you and a new baby together. The depth of love you feel for all of them is wonderful.
Something you may not be aware of is - some of us have been unfortunate and not experienced that sort of intimate experience with our husbands when our children were born. When I got pregnant the first time with my ex - his response was - well you got that way - you deal with it. And went back to his partying. Then he decided we should have another child for some reason. I was scared to get pregnant again with him. He was not a nice man. That is why I divorced him. I dearly love my children. But I did not have that love and intimacy with my husband, that you are thinking of.
Please look at how positive this is. You have married a wonderful man and father. You may be wishing that he hadn't shared that experience with her too. If she hadn't come before you, you could be their real mom and you wouldn't have to think about that.
We all have our pasts. Remember how betrayed you felt when you and your first boyfriend broke up and he moved on? Do you remember when you gave up your virginity and then broke up with the fella and then you knew he was out doing the next girlfriend. All intimacy situations. Same thing but on a way higher level.
You aren't a shadow, you aren't second. You are present. You hold the title of Mrs._______. Yes she came before you, but she is not his life, you are.

Define My Role

Comments (3)

coolmama

choppymom
Original Author

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sarahl

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Define My Role

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coolmama

choppymomOriginal Author

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choppymom
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