"Was I wrong??? I just don't think it's fair to ask me to perform motherly responsibilities when they are staying with us, but I have no say otherwise if it makes the ex angry. I feel that at least I am a good influence on their lives. The ex's bf is an abusive jerk who is definately involved in the kids lives...so how much room does she have to talk??"

Yes, you were wrong. You may FUNCTION as a mothering figure but at the end of the day all of the parenting activities should be handled between the parents. I do think that it was out of line to demand that the girl bring you her homework. Since she does have parents who both participate in her life, they should be the ones checking homework, etc.

How much room does she have to talk? She's their MOTHER. She's entitled to make those kinds of decisions for her children. Good or bad, they are HER children and there are limits to how involved she wants you to be in their lives. Obviously, your BF did not want you making those kinds of decisions either if he asked you to move out.

With RARE exceptions, being a stepparent means supporting the decisions of the biological parents. Good or bad, the parents are the ones who get to pick for their children. Being a friend is a good thing to do.

I've been a stepmother for over 10 years and schoolwork is ABSOLUTELY one of those hands off issues for me. I'll help if asked, I go to concerts, games, open houses, etc., but the educational choices that are made for the children are done between the kids, their mother, and my husband. It doesn't matter if you're president of a major university, stepparents don't make the rules for the children's education.

You arent even their stepmother. You are the live in girlfriend. It was very presumptious of you to try to take over the way you did, and its just one more example of turf wars between two women rather than the best interests of the kids.

A lot of 13 year olds have problems with not bringing home homework, not wanting to do it, or having grades slip. Puberty is a huge stressor in their lives. It was up to mom and dad to figure out what they should do to try to help the girl through this. Your input should have been limited to discussing what you think is going on with dad.

That being said, its not much of a relationship if your boyfriend kicks you out for something like that. I wonder what goes through some women's minds when they are willing to live with a man who considers them good enough to sleep with, good enough to allow to take care of the house, good enough to take care of his children, but doesnt actually marry them. Your boyfriend doesnt impress me with his actions.

Maybe you should raise your standards a bit next time.

I realize that my post sounds harsh. The entire tone I read in your post smacks of self righteous indignation to me for some reason. I could be reading it wrong, through the wrong filter ,and if I am wrong, I apologize.

I read some of these posts and I have to question whether or not the poster is for real. I can not imagine emailing a boyfriends child and telling her "I want to see homework from now on." If a boyfriend of mine (OK, I dont have one right now, but if I did), sent an email like that to my DD, it would be hasta la vista baby. It is one thing to be helpful, offering that if the child brings homework, you will be glad to take them to library, offer guidance (BUT NOT DO THE HOMEWOR), etc. I also think that teachers and parents interact with children in different ways. Parents would discuss this with child, not email I realize chidlren are there only on weekends, but Dad could child, and say we need to discuss (the we being him and child).

Agreed -- Sorry OP, but you're out of line. A live-in girlfriend of one year's standing has no right inserting herself into the children's school situation. It would be totally different if your BF has written the email, or if he'd told his daughter to ask you for help. But for you to jump into lecture mode -- totally unacceptable.

Not to let BF totally off the hook. What was he thinking haveing his three kids spend all day every day at home with live-in girlfriend of 6 months? This puts all of you in an impossible situation. The kids should have gone to day camp, summer school, art classes -- anything. But being home alone all day every day with a new non-parent isn't fair to them or to you, and shows poor judgement on his part.

I agree, the entire situation seems difficult. I would also be concerned re 13 year old babysitting. How old are the children she is watching (I realize you said BF and X have been apart for 11 years, but dont know if/how old Xs other childrren are). I dont think a 13 year old should be babysitting much younger children for long hours, and if children are not that young, she can be doing homework then. But these are discussions for Dad to have. And I agree, Dad's GF shouldnt be having 3 kids all day. They should be in some actvity if Dad cant be home.

The entire situation would not have occurred if her boyfriend did not send her mixed signals.

And what an upstanding boyfriend he is, she's his free babysitter but then cuts her loose (in a very disrespecting, humiliating way) when she makes a mistake that she didn't even realize she was making because he set her up as an adult figure who takes care of the needs of his children when they are with him.

He opened the door and lead her through it.

Then he threw her out for following his lead.

I think the whole situation sounds messed up. You have only been dating a year, that's too short of time to be watching his kids that much or trying to be a parental figure. I'm not surprised at all that a 13 year old living in an abusive household and babysitting children until 11pm (she should be asleep long before that!) would be flunking out. I feel sorry for that poor girl.

It IS unfair that you should have that much parental responsibility but no say, but that's the way it is. It's not your right to get involved, so you shouldn't be asked to be doing what they are asking of you.

If you were my friend, I would tell you to run far, far away from this whole family as fast as you can.

Thank you for all the responses...even if some hurt a little. Thank you lonepiper for understanding that he has put me in this situation, asking things of me and then being angry when I overstep a boundary that I didn't know was there. Since we live together, we have always tried to make this a "family" affair. We discuss punishments and rewards when they are with us. They have to answer to me as well as him.

As for me jumping in "where I'm not wanted" I didn't purposefully do that. I have been involved in their schoolwork and we've discussed school work a lot. The kids recieve discipline at our house as well for their school grades and it is a joint decision. He has always stressed that if I am going to be in their lives in this way, then we are going to do it together!

I don't know why I would be called "self-righteous" when I'm only trying to do what I feel has been asked of me. If I am not involved with the kids, then he wonders if I even want to be with them. They are a package deal.

...nor should you be involved with disciplining the children.

I think that he's asking too much and expecting you to assume a role that is not appropriate. You are dad's GF, not the children's stepmother. You are not entitled to a voice in their education--and even if he expects you to be, it is NOT appropriate. Those are mommy and daddy decisions. You definitely do NOT need to be involved in disciplining these children.

It is not fair to the children and not fair to you to ask this of you. I would consider him asking you to leave a blessing in disguise. Your participation may be what he WANTS, but I'm afraid that he's trying to dump these responsibilities on you that you should NOT have.

Read through this forum and find out just how successful stepmothers disciplining stepchildren are. It's not good news and comes with huge ugly problems.

So then I just let them walk all over me?? If they recieve no discipline from my side, then how are they supposed to respect me. When they are at our house and one doesn't do what is asked, is it wrong of me to say "OK. No more video games today because you did not do your chores." Or do I just lie down on the floor and let them walk on me?

No. Your BF is the one who should be disciplining his children. Putting you in the position of being a disciplinarian is wrong.

Say what you want, but you have no position of permanence in the lives of these children. He is asking you to assume the mother's job--and he is NOT entitled to do that. They have a mother already and using you as the stand-in when they are at the home you share with him is wrong.

I've been here, done that, and there is NOTHING good to come of it.

What would you do if you were babysitting your friend's children? - because you are. It is the father's job to assign the chores and to discipline when he gets home. Your job, should you choose to accept it (although I agree with the others that you should run as fast as you can from this situation) is to keep them safe, and to keep them from damaging the house or each other.

Okay, lest I seem unfair, let me walk a mile in other mocassins.

If I were a thirteen year old, struggling with school........hmmmm

I would be pissed off at my fathers girlfriend emailing me and chewing me out about my grades. Its uncomfortable enough to realize the fact that my father has a live in girlfriend, who hasnt even been there all that long. I would resent her trying to discipline me or trying to take over any role that my mother has. At thirteen, I would be struggling with my own identity, my own sense of failure over school, and the LAST thing that I would welcome is for some outsider ( which is really all you are - you arent the stepmother, and you havent even been there long enough to be considered permanent) to chastise me about school. I would rightfully complain to both my mother and my father if that happened.

As for the ex wife......hmmm, well, I am an ex wife as well as a stepmom...

If my ex husband moved a woman in after a year, without marriage to her, I would be upset at him for being so disrespectful to my children by having a playmate living in, and for being disrespectful to the woman for allowing herself to be taken advantage of. If I then found out that the woman was trying to take over mother duties, I would be furious, both at her for overstepping her bounds without any right, and at my ex for allowing it to happen. Because I am a pretty conservative person, I would question the character of a woman who moves in so quickly, and I would not think highly of my ex for being so casual about a sexual relationship when MY CHILDREN are involved. Kids need permanence in their lives, and that implies committment.

IF you were the stepmother, I could probably see the kids being with you during Dad's time, if he were at work, as long as his off time was spent with the kids. Even then, I could NEVER be okay with someone being angry at a 13 year old girl about her grades. Getting mad solves nothing, and at that age their self esteem is very fragile. I most definitely would complain to my ex about it, if i were in the mothers shoes.

Now, your boyfriend doesnt sound like a keeper to me. He not only m oved you in very quickly, probably to take over child rearing duties so he doesnt have to, but he certainly wasnt thinking about the kids well being. Kids dont want to be bossed around by a live in. ITs hard enough to get them to accept a stepmother. To top it off, he got angry and threw you out when you did one little thing that he and his ex didnt like. That doesnt bode well for any kind of permanent committment, if his feelings are so shallow that he could react that way. In the meantime, its the kids who get hurt, because you are trying to step into a mom role, without a mom committment, and severely overstepping your boundaries.

I wonder why you would allow yourself to be used in this fashion?

For what its worth, I am stepmother to a 12 year old girl, who is also having grade problems, lying about homework, etc. I stay out of it,although I do make s uggestions to hubby on how to deal with it. He and his ex work together to try to get the girl through this. OUr main problem is moms new husband, who tries to control the situation because he is pissed off at the girl. Needless to say, the girl resents it. The mom feels caught between her husband and the girl ( which is probably how your boyfriend feels) and its causing huge problems in t heir marriage.

First of all, his 13 year old is a very sweet loving girl and we have a wonderful relationship. She responded to my email and was very positive. She emails me a lot and tells me about things that are going on in her life and I give her advice and give her a listening ear. My bf and the ex know that.

As for the ex...she was already pregnant by another man when she left my bf. She was taking her kids with her to hotel rooms when she was sneaking off to see this man. And this man now comes and goes as he pleases when he wants to be with her or decides to go back to his previous ex wife. So, as for her ex waiting 4 years to even bring anyone into his children's lives, there's not much she can say to that. We don't just have a CASUAL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. We have made the decision to co-habitate as a family. Marriage is not for everyone. Right now, we are comfortable and happy as we are and we are committed to each other. We are doing our best to show the kids what a real relationship looks like...without abuse, and lying, and cheating. They are very happy to have me around and very sad if I have to be gone for the weekend.

I did not express ANGER at the 13 year old. I wanted to talk to her about how important grades are and how much I want to see her succeed and that I am always here to help if she needs it. I expressed the same things that her father expressed...just backing him up.

I have not been used by him just to take care of his children. He did this for 4 years by himself and only brought a significant other in when he felt it was for real.

I guess asking for advice on here was a stupid thing to do because it just turns into a bashing from others. I open to constructive criticism, but don't comment on things that you don't know.

Okay, so our advice isn't what you want to hear. Fair enough.

You're right. We're wrong.

Yep, we haven't done ANYTHING even remotely like that. Don't know anything about it. That's why virtually every response to this thread has been the same. Yep, even long time posters who have been at odds with each other in the past agree on this one.

...and I HAVE walked miles and miles and miles in your shoes--almost exactly. It took a lot but I finally crawled out from under all of the weight that was unfairly placed upon me. I thought I could fix it. I thought that I'd be the good one and help the children. I thought that I could do it all. Boy was I wrong. All I got was a heaping plate full of anger and resentment. A few years ago, I took two or three giant steps backward and placed the responsibilities for the child decisions back where they should be--on my husband. I do not make them any longer and I am 10,000 times better for it.

So no, don't know a thing. You're probably right....

You asked what we thought -- if we thought you were wrong.
And we told you. Honestly, and not overly harshly.
Several members also voiced the opinion that your BF put you in an unfair position and was not acting responsibly.
Those are also relevent opinions and supportive of what the posters' felt are your best interests.

Honestly - No one here is bashing you.

Several times you've thrown up the BioMom's poor behavior as if it were somehow connected with the problem.
Do you see a connection? Because I sure don't.
OK - Maybe her mom's poor behavior is part of the reason SD is doing so poorly in school.
But then the question wasn't about her school performance, it was about proper boundaries for you and your BF's reaction.
And the old phrase "Two wrongs don't make a right" keeps popping into my head.
Whatever BioMom's doing, it doesn't change your role as non-custodial Dad's girlfriend.
If BioMom disappears, Dad gains custody, and you two become engaged -- THEN there's room to renegotiate.

You're not being bashed here.
You're getting good honest advice from people who have walk in these shoes.

One of these things just doesnt belong........

"We have made the decision to co-habitate as a family. Marriage is not for everyone. Right now, we are comfortable and happy as we are and we are committed to each other. We are doing our best to show the kids what a real relationship looks like...without abuse, and lying, and cheating. "

and...

"Then he was angry at me and when I tried to defend myself....he kicked me out."

Can you not see the glaring inconsistency here? YOU may think its committed, but he obviously does not. The ones paying the price will be the children.

Sorry if this question sounds like I'am being rude...but since when is a C or a D failing? A C is considered "satisfactory" and a D means below grade level,but is not considered failing.As a teacher,you should know this.
Maybe your standards are just a little too high. Not all students excell with A's and B's. If the grades are ok with the parents,then why should you have a problem with them? Some people just have more weakness in some areas then others. Maybe she needs a tutor.
Instead of denying the teen playing ball,she shouldnt have to be watching her sister until 11pm! I really hate it when parents expect their older kids to do all the baby sitting for the younger kids. If they didnt want to watch the children themselves or pay a sitter,then they shouldnt have them.A 14 year old should be playing ball and being a kid,not having a responsibility of watching the younger kid
and acting as a parental role model in a situation which does not sound good.

I think your problem here lies in the fact that you e-mailed the teen without first consulting either parent.I think you should apologize for that fact.

How much homework can she have at 13, assuming she's in public school in 7th or 8th grade? My first reaction to "I didn't have time" was skepticism - mainly because I have heard that excuse before from my own kids. I don't think they have ever blamed not finishing their homework on babysitting duties - but they blamed it on having to fill/empty the dishwasher, walk the dog, wash their clothes, visit their father or even take a shower. Kids are really good at coming up with reasons for not finishing their homework, and not all of them are believable.

The homework excuse I thought was kinda lame also, because I thought even if she was babysitting, she could do homework while sitting.

crjueneman,

I am very sorry you were kicked out without being given an opportunity to learn what both parents expect from you as a step-mom (or live-in to appease others stance on marriage views).

You have an opportunity to start fresh, and you may wish to consider revising your criteria when it comes to choosing your next mate. Another thread discussed whether step-moms would do it all over again, and the majority say no. If you do choose to try step-parenting again, carefully consider whether you are willing to be a secondary person in the relationship for the life of the relationship. Your worth to a man will be apparent if you refuse to be a babysitter on a regular basis.

I understand the eagerness to prove your value to the relationship by babysitting these kids. Unfortunately all the time invested in this family evaporated when b/f kicked you out and I sympathize for the loss of your family.

I would hesitate to be a "live-in" when young children are involved. It is not good for children to see that. Dating is different, but sleeping in the same bed not being married or not being engaged while children are in the same house, does not sound like a good idea. When there are no children or children are grown, it is a different story. It is entirely possible that children are deep inside resentful to this cohabitating and it might effect their school performance as well.

I agree 100% with Lonepiper. Your boyfriend led you right through the door with a confused living arrangement that is wrought with boundary issues and when you crossed a boundary, he booted you out. Nice guy!

I think your heart was in the right place and you were concerned for the child. With that said, you should have stayed out of his daughter's school situation, but again, your bf was giving you mixed signals that it is your "job" to help him parent his children and I do think you had genuine concern for the child.

In spite of the mixed signals he gave you on the child raising issues, make no mistake that he has given you a very clear signal about your place in his world when he booted you out of the house.

By booting you out, he humliated you and he meant to. He showed you where you stand in the grand scheme of things. You say that his ex's boyfriend is an abusive jerk but I think that description also fits your bf and I would be concerned that the next time he boots you out he might use his fists.

A man who is in love with a woman and who wants to spend the rest of his life with her would NEVER, EVER boot her out for fear she would never come back. I know that is hard to hear but it is true.

If you want to spare yourself a lot of future grief and many wasted years, kick this guy to the curb and find greener pastures elsewhere. I don't see that there is anything for you to gain by staying in this situation.

I wish the best for you,
June

crjuenemann, I wish you the best.

On a different note, are we living in 1950? What is going on with the "live-in" condemnation that's being thrown around? My husband and I did not live together until we married, however, that was OUR personal choice. Yes, I believe that marriage is the ultimate committment, but perhaps living together is the ultimate committment for others. To those who are not married but cohabitate, perhaps living together is just as special as marriage to them.

I dont think there is outright condemnation of live-in arrangements, just concern as to effect on relationship with children.

I dont even understand the relationship. OP refers to home as "our house" but then talks about being kicked out. I didnt understand if that meant "I dont want to talk about this anymore, please leave the room" or "Get your stuff and get out of here". It would be hard for me to reconcile the latter with a committed relationship.

If marriage is the same as cohabitation, then OP's boyfriend would not tell her to get out. It is much harder to kick your spouse out than your live-in girlfriend. So there is a difference.

I am not condemning living together. Its a fine option in the right circumstances. But when there are kids involved, there is a huge need to take things slowly. Moving in within a year, without at least an engagement, does not give any sense of security to the children. The OP is expecting to be treated like mom, or at least the boyfriend is expecting her to act like mom, without ever building the security and permanence into the kids lives, that come from a committed relationship.

THere are many states that prohibit overnight visits with a member of the opposite sex when the children are visiting. While that morality may seem narrow to some, in my opinon, and the opinion of some courts, its not wise to expose children to a string of live in boy/girlfriends. When children are involved, marriage or at least engagement, implies committment. Kids of divorce are already bereft of their family unit. Its wrong to expose them to another unit, expecting them to adjust, when t here is no visible committment there.

IF you dont see what I mean, just look at this situation. The OP claims her one year old live in relationship, in which she has been asked by her boyfriend to take over motherly type duties, is a committed one. ITs obvious that she does feel committed and will do whatever she can to make boyfriend and his children's lives better. I am sure she loves them all very much. ANd yet, her boyfriend threw her out at the first sign of disagreement over what she should or should not do. Its obvious he doesnt consider this a committed relationship at all.

Her boyfriend is an idiot. He brought a woman into his home, without a commitment to the woman, presented her to his children as their ( step) mom, and then dumped her at the first hint of a problem. What does that say to the kids, and how can that possibly be acceptable ? HOw can they ever trust in adult relationships if they are so easily expendable? They have already lost their family, the last thing they need is a revolving door.

I agree its not right for the kids involved. But I also don't think a relationship should be nullified just because they are not married. As many on this forum can attest to, marriage is not always a "forever" kind of thing. (understatement!!!) Just because people made oaths and signed a document doesn't mean that their relationship is any more expendable than one that doesn't have an executed piece of paper. Do I believe in marriage? YES. Do I believe that just because a person is married means that their relationship will outlast that of someone who is not married? NO. Does marriage provide more accountability? YES. Does that accountability matter to everyone? NO. Just ask all the cheaters.

My stepdaughters mom has had multiple live-in boyfriends in the past year. Is this detrimental to the children? Yes. I see the product of this situation daily. I'm not arguing the negative consequences on the children. I guess I'm arguing that the committment is made between two people and it is not necessarily hinged on a piece of paper signed by a judge or a minister.

Interesting discussion about live-ins --
And I think there's less disagreement than there appears to be.

Everyone agrees that stability in the children's homelife is beneficial and important,
that a shifting stream of boyfriends or girlfriends (or stepfathers and stepmothers) is a bad thing, and
that a piece of paper doesn't insure against breakup.

But for most people, the act of getting married is symbolic of the depth and seriousness of their committment.
And for many people -- not all, but many (most?) -- a reluctance to get married also indicates a reluctance of one or both to FULLY commit to the relationship.
And for most relationships, the depth of committment is tested every now and again by life and circumstance, and the less-committed relationships tend not to survive the inevitable crises as often as the more committed relationships.

June,

Thank you for your post. I understand where everyone is coming from, but it is nice to see that some realize that I made an honest mistake by trying to take care of those I love. There's no handbook on this, and I have never experienced this b4. I also agree with those of you who support co-habitating. I never thought I would be one to do it. It is frowned upon in my family and I always had the dream of getting married and being with that person forever. However, that has not happened, and in today's society there are too many divorces anyway. I don't believe in divorce and that makes me scared to death to marry someone. I know it's not right for the kids, but that was his choice to expose his children to that. Everyone has different ideas of right and wrong. Personally, if I was on his side and I was the one with the kids, then NO I wouldn't have a bf move in with me. But, he made his own decision on that subject.

For an update, I did return last night to get some clothes to get me through the workweek. I've been staying with a friend. We encountered each other this morning and I asked if I was wanted here anymore. He said, "I'm done." Just like that. Now I must find a place to live. It hurts, but I find that I'm crying more for the loss of the kids and the "family" I felt we had become than for myself. I have a very loving relationship with the kids, and I don't want them to be sad when I leave. I never would have made the choice to do this to them. I was committed for better or worse and made that decision when we began this relationship and the kids became involved. I DO NOT want to be the one who walks in/out of their lives. So, when I'm gone, I'm gone. There will be no turning back.

I hurt for his son, who has never really clicked with his dad because they really don't share the same interests. My bf is an outdoorsman, hunting, sports, etc. and his son would rather read a book. Him and I spent many long days talking about what books we were reading and sharing that experience together.

I even remember at one point when my bf and I argued and I took a drive for a while. When I returned, the boy was still up. He said, "I wanted to make sure you came back...I was afraid my dad had run you off."

You are all right in saying that I should have never moved in with him. But, we all make mistakes and learn from them. Nothing I did was without thought, and I truly loved my life with them and truly tried to make everyone happy. Anything I did came from the heart.

This is probably now for a different forum. He basically said today that he hasn't cared for a long time. That having me here and not having me here is the same thing. For example, when I would go out with a girlfriend of mine on a weekend, he was very supportive and I thought "wow, a guy who trusts me to hang out with my own friends." Now I found out that it wasn't that he trusted me....it's that he didn't care what I was doing. He knew I wasn't doing anything wrong...but it wouldn't have mattered to him if I did. Word for word.

Ouch.

So, thanks for the advice, criticism, support...everything. It is a great thing that we can all come together to help others from our own experiences. And maybe someone will learn from mine.

My heart goes out to you and to the children. I am very sorry you all are going through this, and I hope you grow stronger and wiser as you learn to cope with these hard changes. You sound like a kind and caring person who has been wanting to make a positive difference but unfortunately got slammed by a counterproductive set-up. *You* deserve to be well treated and cared for as well. Try to be A Lot More Picky about your next BF! Hang tough; we live, we learn.
Hugs to you,
nannybee

and now I am thinking the boyfriend needs to step in front of a bus....

I imagine you are hurting badly right now , and I suspect the kids are too. The only one who isnt, is the selfish idiot that led you down the garden path. He needs to grow up before ever getting involved with a woman again.

"I wanted to make sure you came back...I was afraid my dad had run you off."

sounds like this isn't the first time this has happened.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It will take some time to heal from his cruelty and I can't help but think that they will go through many heartaches in the future because of him. But for you it is over and please, if he happens to have a "change in heart" later on, don't go back.
Women sometimes have a tendency to give too much in a relationship. They like the feeling of being connected and his children were obviously a draw for you and you got close to them.

Some men are really good at making a woman feel she is a permanent fixture in his life, without having made a real commitment to the woman. And they do this for very selfish reasons.

I know this - I dated a man for eight years, so I got pulled into a long-term relationship that never gave me what I wanted and needed and I learned some painful but necessary lessons from the experience.

I am not against cohabitation, and I've seen long-term situations that seem to work for both parties. And there are some valid reasons why people would not want to get married.

But I have also seen many of my friends get burned because they were hoping for a future with the man and instead, ended up without a place to live. To add to that problem, their hearts were broken.

There isn't any guarantee on marriage, either, but at least you are invsesting your efforts and time in a man who has made a public and legal declaration of love and commitment to you.

I dated numerous men during the eight years after I dumped Mr. Eight-Year Wonder. One asked me to move in with him. I decided I would just date him and keep my own home. I'm glad I did as years later, he is still going through women and he has yet to settle down on a long-term basis with anyone but he's had a lot of roommates!

A lot of women get jaded from bad experiences and begin to think all men are jerks and that none want to commit. That is not true! Sure, there are those who are jerks and those who will not ever commit, and you need to keep your radar out for them, but there are men who have huge hearts and honest intentions. You won't meet them if you are involved with someone.

Learn from your experience and grow from it. Stay busy, invest in yourself and you will eventually find yourself in a very happy place.

Best wishes and keep posting,
June

I am sorry that you are hurting.

It isn't a privilege to look after someone else's children. It is something done for money(babysitting) or love. So I believe that your intentions were noble, even if you overstepped some boundaries. It sounds like there was an over reaction by the parents to that incursion.

A year from now, you will probably realize that your boyfriend did you a big favor by ending your relationship. It sounds like a pretty toxic family. Your loyalties to the kids would have prevented you from leaving. For the near term, take care of yourself.

What a jerk. I am sorry you got hurt and I am sorry for the kids. But you are much better off, start a new life, take time off dating, get your life together and stay away from people like that. I am actually happy for you that you get out of this now when you are still young and didn't invest years of your life with someone who does not deserve you. Good luck!!!

It sounds to me like the guy was just looking for an excuse to ask you to leave. Although you did overstep your bounds a bit, that is not uncommon for a new-to-the-job stepparent. (I realize that you were NOT an actual step-parent, just functioning like one!) You will be so much better off in the long run without this guy. You sound like a genuine, caring, sensitive person. This guy did not deserve you. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and move on with the wisdom of what you've learned from this relationship. Best of luck to you!

I read your original post and pretty much skipped the follow ups because I want to respond, just to YOUR post and not the opinions of others.

"she left him after 11 years when she becamse pregnant by a bf. She now lives with the bf, who is abusive physically and verbally, and the 3 kids live with her too because they go to school there and their dad works at a feed lot FULL TIME!!"

Working full time is NO reason to leave your three children in a situation with a physically & verbally abusive stepdad or worse, just her boyfriend.

"OK, so the problem. The kids spend weekends and some holidays and summer with us. When they are at our house, I am with them all day when he is working. I discipline and hand out chores and rewards...all the things expected of a mother. We get along very well and my bf backs me up when needed. Recently we recieved the 13 year olds grades from first nine weeks and she is basically flunking all core classed. I'm talking C's and D's. (and not even a C+). My bf was upset too and we talked and he talked with the ex. I also e-mailed his 13 year old about how I felt. I am a teacher, so I thought maybe I'd have a different insight. They never bring homework with them on the weekends and I told her I want to see homework from now on. The next night the ex called my bf and was very upset that I e-mailed and he talked to her for 30 minutes and seemed to agree with everything she said. Then he was angry at me and when I tried to defend myself....he kicked me out."

I disagree with anyone that says you were trying to assume "parental" anything. You were however, the babysitter while he was at work. Before my now husband moved in, I kept his daughter when she didn't have school and he had to work (on his weeks because he had her every other week) I don't have a problem with that. Your post is titled "future?" so I assume you'd like to marry this guy and if he felt that way about you, he would value YOUR opinion. The fact that he threw you out is a clear sign that he still lets his ex rule his life and that's not a place you want to be. I guarantee it.

"Was I wrong??? I just don't think it's fair to ask me to perform motherly responsibilities when they are staying with us, but I have no say otherwise if it makes the ex angry. I feel that at least I am a good influence on their lives. The ex's bf is an abusive jerk who is definately involved in the kids lives...so how much room does she have to talk??"

I don't think you were wrong to have an opinion about her grades and wanting to help her. You are a teacher and that was a positive. The fact that she would rather be jealous that it's coming from you because you are with him, is her problem. It only became your problem when he listened to her and threw you out. Do you think that if her teacher from school called and said what you did, she would have had a problem with it? I don't.

"The 13 year old e-mailed me back and said she was trying in school but her homework is always late because she has practice right after school and then babysits for her little sister til 11pm when her mom finally comes home from work. Then she doesn't have time. I just don't feel she has her priorities straight. If she can't keep up with school work, then maybe she shouldn't be playing ball at school. And what is wrong with asking them to bring homework to our house on the weekends so I can help them??"

If you are back with your BF, I wouldn't worry about it. If she asks for your help, offer it but for now, he hasn't put a ring on your finger and you are not responsible for his kids. You can be their friend and help if you want, but it's not the same as "mothering" although I think I know what you mean. When my kids were young, our house was where all the kids wanted to play because we had a pool. and I considered feeding or teaching them things, mothering. I heard the phrase "turf war" used and I agree, too many moms and step mom's get so far into a battle that the kids get sucked into a war zone. I don't see it too much with men but I'm sure that happens too.

"I guess I just don't know how to disengage when I have to be a "parent" part of the time. If I am to be with my bf, i want to be a part of their lives too. And not just their friend. Am I in the wrong?? I feel he owes me an apology and needs to acknowledge what I do for his children. Is that wrong?? Please give me some advice because I am hurting right now and don't know where to go from here."

You have to disengage until he marries you. Until he does that, you are nothing more than a friend to his kids. I would think hard and seriously before continuing to be with a guy that has already thrown you out and allows you to take care of his kids when he can't. To be honest, it sounds like you may have some "codependency" issues because you can't fix things, especially if your BF and his ex don't want you to. Why are you even bothering???

Imamommy...I think if you read through the posts,Op has said that her BF does not want to get back together with her because of this. I believe he told her,"I'M Done".

I'm assuming she is moving on with her life...

I didn't read the follow up posts because if I do, sometimes I get sidetracked by other issues that pop up and write way too much. She should consider herself lucky. He didn't sound like a very solid guy to me. I stayed with a guy for 7 years, raising his three kids while their mom had run off with some other guy and only visited them once or twice a year (for a few hours, rarely overnight) After five years, I realized he probably wasn't going to marry me and I had raised his kids from babies (the youngest was 1 and the oldest was 6 when we got together) He worked and I did school stuff, sports, scouts, and everything else they needed & when it didn't work out, he cut them out of my life and I haven't seen them in years. I don't know if they care but it hurt me. It was hard to get involved with a different man that had a child (and I waited until my kids were in high school to start dating again)