At 18 years old your ss should have some goals for his life (college or career plans). Is he in college? If he does not plan to go to college and his troubles are financial he should get another job. If his troubles are drugs maybe rehab would be an option for him. If he just is not ready to be on his own and wants to move home then he should not be making demands like having you leave.

If he is to move back home some ground rules need to be set. The first one in my opinion, should be that it is not his choice to have you move out of your home. If he wants to come home he needs to accept that it is your home as well. I am suprised your wife has chosen to let an 18 year old wear the pants in her life and decide that his mom's husband needs to move out for him to come home. Correct me if I am wrong, but him moving home is helping him out-so where does he get off demanding you should move out?? It should be more like him asking to come home and you and your wife accepting him back! I think the message your wife will send to your ss by making you move out is not a good one and is setting you all up for trouble!

If I was in your position I would have a heart to heart with my spouse. I would explain that I know her kids are important to her, as well as you. But, that you are a family and need to work together, not seperate to help her son. Maybe counseling would help? It sounds like ss has a lot of issues with his fathers death, drugs, etc. But if her ss is headed down the wrong path adults should be leading him down the right one, not letting him be in charge of their lives instead.

I agree with mom2emall.

I have two son's 18 & 21. My 21 year old couldn't wait to leave when he was 18. Drugs weren't a problem but he didn't want to live under my rules. He left & stayed with friends, relatives and even had his own place for a few months. Before he left, I had set up rules for him as an 'adult' child. It was to teach him more about what is expected in the real world while I'm helping him get there. He didn't want ANY rules so he left. He came back three times and the rules were here waiting for him, they never changed. He just came back again and I've noticed that he is maturing. His previous stays never lasted more than a couple of weeks, he's been back now for a couple of months. He also didn't like my new husband... because he wouldn't let it slide if the rules are being broken. One of the problems with my kids is that they know I can be a pushover & inconsistent. (when I was a single parent) and they don't like that my husband isn't a pushover so much.

You and your wife (or even just your wife) should set ground rules for him to behave. And you moving out should NOT be an option. He is legally an 'adult' and he chose to leave, nobody kicked him out. If he wants back, it should be on his mom's terms. I know all about 'mama bird' but if she wants him to grow up, she has to be tough. There are some great teenagers out there that put it all together and live their lives without problems (ie. go to college, get room mates, jobs, are responsible) and he doesn't sound like he fits into that category. He needs some tough love and his mom needs to administer it. If he has a problem with you, I'd back off and let your wife handle him but the two of you should be in agreement about what's acceptable or not. It concerns me that she'd say 'children come first' because the kids' needs should be first but moving back is what he wants. She could always help him with money for an apartment but if he wants to move back to get his life together, he's in no position to make such demands.

I think you titled this wrong, it isn't 'him' ruining your marriage, it's your wife if she puts you out.

I don't think it has a thing to do with you marrying his mother, he was ok with you marrying her. I think he would be acting the same if his Dad had lived and was with the family. Some kids just go wrong no matter what you do and they will blame anyone handy instead of themselves. I think you both did the best thing possible by making him responsible for himself. It may be the only chance he has to get back on track with his life.

I agree with what everybody else says. this kid needs to grow up and take a responsibility. it is unacceptable for him and your wife to kick you out for no reason. this is a big "NO". if he wants to move in, he needs to become responsible and respectful toward his mom and you. if your wife is going to put you out for the sake of her messed up son, then maybe you should move out for good and file for divorce. if that's not what she wants, then she needs to tell her son that he cannot make such demands and that he (not you) needs to follow the house rules.

Children come first.

yeah, they do.
If they need milk, you don't buy beer.

This isn't the same thing at all;
this is a grown person trying to break up his mother's marriage & control her life.

(I'm assuming that your post is accurate, that the rules you're talking about are normal & reasonable, that you haven't been bullying him, hitting him, humiliating him, etc.)

I'd bet his mother is living on the edge of panic 24 hours a day, so worried about him that she just wants to smooth his path in any way she can, without regard for the reasonable or wise thing to do.

& he knows it.

She doesn't realize that he's pushing her buttons, manipulating her, trying to isolate her from her support system (you), & take control of her life-
& undoubtedly ruin it, since manipulators view people as resources to be used up.

Letting him move back home might or might not be an okay thing to do, but if you move out, the game's over;
you & your wife will have lost, & in the process of losing, you will have taught her son that the way to get what he wants is to manipulate his mother into getting it for him.

Your wife really needs your support here:
see if you can't get her to realize that this isn't just one thing, that it's the tip of the iceberg, that "accomodating" (enabling) her son on this will isolate her & put him firmly in control.

"Tough love" is a buzz-phrase, but it really sounds like that's what's called for here.

You might make a poster & hang it on the bathroom mirror:

Don't Reward Bad Behavior!

I wish all of you the best.

Okay, there two issues to address here:
1. Remind your wife that she is married to you, not the child.
2. You now hold the responsibility of teaching this boy how to be a man - Don't lay down and let him (or your wife)walk all over you. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Do not teach this young man to let women walk all over him. You will be doing him a discredit in the long run. Use this angle when explaining to your wife that you are not leaving your home. Tell her, "I am his primary male role model. If I allow you to dictate whether or not I am welcome in MY home, then I am only teaching him to allow women to manipulate his life. Is this the lesson that you want to convey to him?"

Bottom line: DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. It is yours! Together with your wife, you have earned it. The boy does not own this home in any way, shape or form. Teach the boy that if he can be responsible, then one day he too will have a home of his own. Then he will have the authority to tell you to leave whenever he pleases.

"Do not teach this young man to let women walk all over him."

don't know how you extracted that conclusion-

The son is the one dictating terms here;
his mother is powerless.

I remember a phrase
A bad parent says, "Yes out of fear"
A good parent says, "No out of Love"
Tough love is seconded here. The mother needs to put her marriage first, have boundaries with her son, & respect for not only herself & you but the youngest son. What's this teaching him? Goodluck & keep on posting.

Your wife is wrong by doing this. Its sends a message that this young adult has power over his mother and will exceed your right as well.
Please speak with your wife. Sit her down and explain to her that you are her husband and have married her in good faith and that this is wrong for you and also wrong for her younger son to see this.
Its disrespectful for her to treat you as a husband and mate.
Its wrong because it gives a bad ,,,,really bad example to her younger son that they can walk over both of you.
She can help her son in many ways, but he is an adult. Chose his life with drugs. He stated he doesn't like you with no founded reason..i'm sure he misses his dad but you have sat him down and explained to him that you are not there to replace him.
Ask your wife why she married you and now you have to move out?? It sounds absurd! She can help her son in many ways but draw the line about her relationship with you. She needs to stand up to her son and say," i love this man, i married him and he will not move out because you want to move back in. I gave birth to you, i love u, you are my son but you chose to move out , you chose not like this man and that is fine but he is in this house to stay and i will not comprimise my relationship with my new husband and the life we have at home to satisfy you. You are a young adult, if you need help, im here to help you but my husband will not move out to solve your problems and your feelings that you have to fix."
Please do not move out. Refuse this with your wife and take a stand with your life with her. Now if your wife doesnt' want to be by your side..then she should not have married you in the first place.
How long have you been married? 2 years? and why is she so quick to help her son by moving you out??? Its not making sense to me.

I am amazed at the accusatory messages here.

Have any of you read the original post?

It says that husband & wife have been a team, that they both acknowledge older son's problems, & that they've taken steps to present a united front.

It says that the older son knows how to hurt his mom, & that she wants to do whatever he says so she can help him.

Even if this wife & mother is 'wrong', it's a borrowed wrong that actually belongs to her son.

This son has realized that he has to split his mother from her husband if he wants to live "at home" (free rent, more money & time for dope) & do as he darned well pleases (control her), & she's so worried about him, & probably so fatigued from the stress, that she's willing to belly up & let him take over.

This is *not* the same as a domineering woman 'walking all over' anybody;
it's the opposite.

This woman has been given an ultimatum by a son she loves,
she's so anxious about him that she doesn't even realize that that's what's happening,
& she's scared so witless that she'll lose him, emotionally if not to drugs,
that she doesn't recognize how ridiculous it is for a grown son to say
'mom, you gotta boot your husband out of the house before I'll come home'.

To OP:

Please think long & hard before you take an adversarial position & start making this an either/or situation (that's her son's tactic), & using phrases like 'I'm the big guy in this family'.

Accusing your wife of disloyalty/disrespect/etc will put her on the defensive, which means that you & she will be on opposite sides.

The 2 of you need to keep on being a team, & teams support each other.

Be strong, & take care of your family.

I'm sending you my best thoughts for strength, patience, resolve, wisdom, & love.

Sylvia, I can identify a lot with the mother here and went through something similar with my oldest son. (he's not into drugs though) but he moved out because he didn't like my rules, he didn't like my husband, he wanted to be 'man' of the house. One of my problems before I got married was being inconsistent and not following through. The kids walked all over me and if I didn't have the support of my father and my husband to help me stand up to them, I might have not married my husband. Everybody in my family could see that my kids were trying to 'run' my life and it was my dad that finally made me wake up and tell my kids that they are adults and I have my own life. I love them and want them in my life but they are not going to tell me what to do. They would have been happier if I had stayed alone the rest of my life, but that isn't what I wanted.

OP says: "She said the kids come first and maybe I'll have to go stay at my mothers or something while she tries to help Jimmy."

That doesn't sound like she's part of a united front. I hope he is sharing these messages with her. She really needs to be strong and stand her ground and give her son the conditions that SHE decides for him to move back. My 21 year old came back a couple of months ago and he had to find a job, clean up after himself, a couple of regular household chores, and has a bedtime of 11. Those are more rules than he had when he was growing up because, even though I had the rules, I didn't enforce them and the end result was I got treated like a doormat. It took him a couple of years out on his own (sleeping on my mom's couch for almost a year) to make him appreciate that my rules aren't so bad. He knows I'm the parent that cares about his future and won't let him be a bum. He saw that his 18 year old brother was living at home, following the rules (for the most part), going to college, working a part time job, and had a car. He was 20 and still had nothing and was in the same position as when he left. I think he came back because he knew he needed some guidance and in order to come back, he's had to follow my rules. He's accepted that and is now working and planning out a future. He doesn't 'want' to be here, he'd rather be on his own, but he realizes that he needs to start acting like an adult if he wants to be treated like one.

Ima, you're right.

It's more complicated than manipulation *or* being a united team;

there's more grey between the black & white than I was seeing.