If he's well-behaved with you, he's much more so with his mother;
he's scared of her.

So your husband asks his ex,
ex says it's son's fault because he acts bad & drives her to it,
& husband tells son to act better.

Great.

This boy has just learned that nobody believes him & that there is no help for him.

(In fact, his situation is worse for having confided.
He likely won't confide in anyone again.
If you ask, he'll say everything is fine.)

so now his mother can beat him as hard & as often as she wants, so he'd better cover up for her so she won't get mad.
& he'd better walk on eggshells so she won't get mad.
& he'd better expect to get hit no matter what he does, because it's not about his behavior at all, it's about her rage.

When she wants to beat somebody, she finds an excuse, tells him it's his fault, & beats the daylights out of him.

& she's told him that she'll beat him worse to make him keep her secret.

Everything that's happened & everything that's been said sounds like abuse:

abuser "spanks" (a euphemism for whips, beats, uses a belt, hits the behind as hard as she can a dozen or so times, until her rage is satisfied), slaps face, & yells (screams, swears, threatens).
abuser blames victim.
victim believes it's his/her own fault for enraging abuser.
abuser threatens victim to keep her secret.
When victim can't face it any more & tells someone he's afraid of his mother, nobody believes him.

Refusing to get out of his friend's car is a no-going-back behavior, one that an abused child wouldn't do unless he was really desperate.

This little boy needs an advocate, & it doesn't sound like he's got one.

If your husband won't deal with it, please call CPS yourself.

Ditto......he needs help. And now that she's been confronted, it could get worse. And, even if it does, he's learned that coming to you and Dad for help only make it worse.......yes, call someone. You could probably do it without her knowing who called, right? (just thinking of how she might take it out on him if she thinks "he" did this).

Also, maybe they can help YOU deal -- tell you how to look for signs of abuse, etc.

I would call CPS immediately. Have there been bruises? Have you all went to counseling? That would be good if you could get the little jasper into it & he open up. A counselor in court testifying is a good thing to have. Also, for all your DH knows his sons friend's mom could have called CPS. I think you can do it anonymously.

I've only seen one injury result of his mother. It was a mark from her nail where she went to grab him and her nail jabbed him. Other than that nothing! Other than minor playground bruises. That's why I've been so conflicted!! After dad had a talk with mom, SS said things were a lot better with mom. Probably because she knows she'll be on watch for a while!!

SS wants to live with us. He lived with us before for a little less than a year, then mom took him back. He was always a good child for us, smart, well adjusted and happy. (He's that way now too.) But I think dad may be in denial that his son's mom could intentially be hurting their son or at the very least losing her temper to often. (She is a controlling $*@!% though!!) Because she comes from a loving stable family, no history of abuse. She makes good money, nice home no issues with alcohol or drugs. She doesn't even smoke. But she was a teenage mother, 17yrs old when she gave birth to their son. So maybe being a young mother and the stress involved with it pushes her over the edge. She has plenty of support systems though. Her family has their son alot. My husband and I have their son half the time. So I don't even know why she would be stessed out!!

I was mostly worried that my personal dislike for her would distort my thinking and I would make the wrong decission. But I guess sometimes it's better to listen to your gut instinct. I worried that he wouldn't tell CPS the truth about his mother if I did call. If she tells him to keep secrects he usually does from his dad and then he tells me. I wish he would just tell his dad so I'm not in the middle of it all. But I'd rather he tell me than know one at all.

As you can tell, this situation has my mind going a million different directions!! It would be easier if he had the "classic" abused child symptoms like bruises, behavior issues, learning problems, shyness, ect. But he just doesn't have anything but fear of his mother and his stories of being spanked and yelled at often. And unfortunetly children often do tend to exagerate stories and of course leave out what they did to get spanked or mouth slapped. So I didn't want to call CPS for really nothing at all. UGG!! I'm soooo conflicted!!

Call CPS. It is anonymous. In fact, it may make DH look at the situation harder when he hears CPS is involved.

You may be the only one to help this little boy.

As far as the exaggerating, victims of abuse do tend to make their stories 'lighter' than what they are.

Please call CPS. You will regret it if you don't.

I know that if I call CPS I can do it anonymously, but I'm affraid of what I tell them will incriminate myself as the person who called. I don't want mom to know it was me and cause issues with DH and her because I called. I really want to call though. But I'll have to be careful with what I say to them so it can't be linked back to knowledge that only me, hubby and mom would know about.

What happens when you call? Do they always go to the house to talk to the child/parents? If so how long after you report do they talk to the family? Who all do they talk to? Anyone been through anything like this before that could give me a heads up on what to expect?

Thank you ladies for your advice that this isn't just childhood exaggerations and could be something serious and should be reported. I've heard SS stories for years now!! But the refusal to get out of his friends car really drew up some majaor red flags for me!! But as I said before I don't like his mother and I didn't want those feelings to alter my logical thinking because it is easy for to beleive the bad things I hear about her even if they may not be the full truth.

What about asking his school counselor to talk to him and try to get more information? Tell her your concerns, your doubts, and maybe ask her to follow up with the friend's mother to get her input as well. At that point, you'll have one more knowledgeable opinion, and an unbiased one, if you do decide to go to CPS. You'll also being showing your SS that you do care and do believe him.

As to different behaviors in different homes, it's absolutely possible! And it may not be simply because he is scared, but more a simple consequence of the different environments. It's entirely possible that your parenting styles 'smooth out' and prevent problems and that hers do not.

Sugarland,

My SD has a similar situation with her mom. She lives with us and sees mom EOW, and those visits were typically problem ridden. We would hear stories of much screaming, yelling, spanking (in younger years) bad behavior and arguments. Bio-mom would occasionally ask us what we did when SD would, for instance, throw herself on the floor and throw a fit when told to take a bath (at age 10!) We had no way to respond - SD had NEVER behaved like that with us! We came to realize that SD had little respect for her mom (mainly because of her selfish personality and choices that severely impact SD's life) and therefore just would not behave. Mom has little patience or problem solving skills, so the only recourse that worked for her was to scream and scare SD into behaving. She was then told not to tell dad and I when she got home about anything. She would be punished more if she found out SD talked. She would cry and not want to go to mom's house either.

As SD has gotten older she has found her voice as is able to stand up to mom's scare tactics. Mom also re-married and had another baby and I think having her new husband around keeps her in check a bit. But the biggest help it seems, and this is recent, was the meeting we all had a month ago. Mom and step dad actually came over and asked us how to have a better relationship with my SD and how to basically have the home life we have here. We discussed expectations, punishments, chores, etc. We talked of how to not get sucked into a argument that resulted in a screaming match, and ways to parent that we found resulted in good behavior.

Would it be possible for you and DH (or just him if mom balks at including you) to have such a meeting? Perhaps under the guise that you felt it would be good for your SS to have similar rules and such at all his homes to help him make good behavior choices. You can then give her better ways to deal with anger without saying "I know you hit him."

This may not do any good, but it is a first step. I would also talk to a school counselor. If none of this helps it lays the groundwork for a compelling custody change case.

Good luck - I know your stomach must be in knots and I feel your pain.

Sweeby,

The problem I see with OP going to the counselor is that unless she is a guardian, BM can have a BIG problem with that. In these kind of cases, OP is a legal stranger. If BM does not want her involved in SS's school, she can make it that way.

Also, there is more of a chance of BM finding out the OP went to the counselor than if she went to CPS.

To the OP,

It really depends on how much info you give to CPS. If you give them her phone number, they will likely call first and request an appointment. If you don't and just give them her address, they will stop by her house.

I hear you Nivea -- But even a 'legal stranger' can give information to the counselor, though legally, the counselor may not be able to tell Sugarland much of anything without BioDad's permission. But if BioDad gives this permission, then StepMom can be fully included in all of the discussions. (I was the BioMom in a similar situation with my son's StepMom - not abuse, but LD's - and the school said that since Dad had delegated to her, they could not refuse to include her in the discussions. And this was before they even married!)

Yes, it's probably more likely that BioMom will find out about Sugarland's involvement. But then, expressing concern to the school counselor and calling CPS are two very different levels of 'inuslt'.

we had a situation very very similar. My two stepchildren, at the time 4 and 8, would cry and cling to us when it was time to go home because , in their words" mommy was so so mad. We would literally have to pry them off of me or hubby to give them back to their mother at the end of visits, and the kids would cry for hours when they had to go back. It was heartbreaking but we didnt read anything into it, because we figured that young children feel bad because they had to leave their daddys house, since they were very attached to daddy.

This, even though the kids themselves were telling us mommy is always angry, mommy will be so mad, mommy is mean.

Turns out, the friend of the older child ended up reporting mommy to the school after she noticed bruising on the girls arm. The school counsellor examined the girl, the girl was covered in bite marks and bruises from the mother, who had been frustrated because the girl wasnt getting her homework done. School called CPS, CPS laid charges, mom ended up in court with cps, and custody was changed to fifty fifty physical time, and mom was ordered into anger management. SHe is now on the louisiana child abuse registry, and if she ever gets another report, she will lose the fifty percent custody she has automatically, and she will have to have supervised visitation.

SO, dont discount what the child says to you or how the child acts. It would be better if CPS got a report from someone else though, since reports from parents who are divorced tend to be shuffled to the bottom of the pile.

My hubby and his sons mom were never married. And right now he has no visitaion rights to his son. They never went to court for visitation or anything, they have always done their own visitation set up. About a month ago my hubby asked mom to do a 50/50 shared parenting agreement since he already has his son half the time, but she said absolutely NO! So he has hired a lawyer to try and get 50/50 custody. But unfortunetly hubby is now working out of the state, which has never happend before, until the middle of March so those plans are now on hold. I now only see SS once or twice a week.

I think that I am going to call CPS tomorrow morning but I'm going to have to be very cautious with my concerns I speak to them about. I've never been in a situation like this before and feel almost nervous and scared call them.

I can almost guarantee that if your husband has hired a lawyer and starts a custody challenge, and THEN you call CPS, your claim wont be taken seriously, since its just a suspicion, and it could even bite your husband in the you know what. Allegations of child abuse are often raised for the first time during custody disputes, and making accusations without solid proof is risky, since it annoys many judges. You would be better NOT to call cps, but ask for a psychological assessment as part of the custody hearing. They will do a home study, and psychologist report, and determine what is best for the child. If mom is abusing the child, it is likely to come out during the home study.

He hasn't filed a case yet. He only met with the lawyer for the initial visit before he had to go out of state. They don't plan to meet again until March when he's back home for good. That probably doesn't matter though does it? That's a good idea to request a psychological assesment!! Thanks for that idea!!

I agree with Kathline - it could be looked at the wrong way by a judge. If your DH is only working away until March that can easily be explained - I would say full steam ahead and get started now. If you wait, I would think a judge might question why you waited if you feared for SS's safety.

We had a custody evaluator in our fight for custody, and she was wonderful. Most of the fears we had and issues we saw were seen by her - things we almost thought we might just be imagining as BM could deny them all. I totally recommend one.

"a judge might question why you waited if you feared for SS's safety."

I would, too.

In Texas, it's a crime to not report suspected child abuse.

If one parent is abusing, & the other parent has reason to know or suspect it (the child *told* his father!) & doesn't do anything to protect the child & doesn't report it, this kid could end up in foster care.

At least talk to the school counsellor.

Please.

i have no time to read all posts, just the first one. call CPS and ask your DH to file for full custody. do it ASAP. it is child abuse big time.

I agree that the alarming thing is that he went to his friend's mom with the problem. It's one thing for a 10 yo to play one parent off the other, but to turn to a third party adult is another situation entirely. Kids are told in school here that "If someone is hurting you or being mean to you, talk to a trusted adult" and if my BF's son or one of my N&Ns ever did that, I'd be very very worried.

I think I'd side with with poster who said to talk to a school counselor (etc) before calling CPS, considering since you've never seen any physical signs of abuse... I personally would be hesitant to jump straight to CPS, but it DOES need to be brought to someone's attention who is trained in this sort of situation.

My BF's son is 8, and he'll often tell us "Mom said I wouldn't live to see nine if I keep leaving my Lego on the stairs" (obviously she's not serious)...
Last week he told me "Grandma is sooooo mean, she gave me a spanking this morning when Dad came to get me" (I asked BF about this - it was at pickup time, so he saw it - she smacked him on the butt for talking back as he walked out of the room. Perhaps not the best approach to deal with sass, but certainly not the vicious beating A__ made it out to be)
I don't worry too much about that sort of thing, but I WOULD be worried if he had bruises that certainly weren't from playing soccer or tobogganing, or he told a friend's parent, or he had a large-scale freakout about going back to his mom's.

You're right for being concerned about this!

How would I go about speaking to a school counselor? Is it confidential through the school or are going to tell mother and son that I was the one who called with concerns?
I'm also concerned about her knowing before anyone talks to my SS first. I know she will tell him to not say anything and keep it a secrect because it's their "family's business" and nobody elses.

After the situation with his friends mother I was kinda hoping, as bad as it sounds, she would call CPS. (Maybe she has already. Who knows?) I don't think his friend's mom allows her son to go over to my SS's mom's house anymore. They always call my house to see if SS is home, if he's not I tell em to call his mom's house, but SS says his buddy never called. Not that I would blame her!!

What you should do to contact a school counselor depends on what your school has for resources.
Some schools have a "guidance counselor" or "resource room therapist" that they share with other schools, some have their very own, some just have a name of someone at the schoolboard office who you can get in contact with...
I'd suggest talking to your SS's teacher to find out what the school has and ask to be put in touch with whoever the school uses as a counselor to try to set up a couple of sessions with your SS and the counselor to try to get him talking a bit.

I'm not sure how it works in your school, but at my son's elementary school, all of the kids know the counselor, and she knows most of the kids.

If the school has their own guidance counselor, a quick call to the main office should be able to let you know that, and you could simply leave a short and vague message asking her to call you back. (I wouldn't add anything about your child's name or your stepmother status in the message.)

Then when she does, explain your fear that since your concerns are with the boy and his mother, that she talk to the boy and to the friend's mom first before involving BioMom. Someone mentioned the bit about kids playing one parent off against the other -- and I'd mention to the counselor that you had sort of assumed this was what was happening until the instance with the friend's mom.

The other thing will be to get official written permission from BioDad to authorize the school to communicate back with you on this matter. They shouldn't need it to get information, but may insist on it before telling you anything back.