I am sorry for what you have to go through.

But what I hear from people (and look into "estrangement" threads in a parent forum) that your own kids might grow unappreciative and you might not get neither love nor respect. Seriously, read those estrangement threads, they are few of them, people talk about their own biokids. How often parents get no love and no respect. I doubt it would make you feel better but there is no guarantee your own kids won't turn this way.

As about your DH, it is so typical for a man to not say anything to his kids so not to make them angry. I don't get this parenting out of guilt! Few weeks ago I was upset with my BF because his grown DDs just ruin our plans every weekend by changing their plans, I begged him to do something about it. And what do you think he said? "What do you want me to do, do you want me to upset my daughters?" My responce of course was "But how is it OK to upset me? They are women and I am one. So it is not OK to uspet them but is OK to upset me?" I don't understand men's logic. if my DD would mistreat anyone or ruin anyone's plans regularly I would have no porblem telling her.

I am sorry for your situation. I guess you should just focus on your own life and let them do whatever with theirs.

Though you may not receive the appreciation you deserve, rest assured that you have impacted the lives of these children.

I know that at 19 and 20, I was not quite all grown up yet, and I didn't give my own mother the respect and appreciation she deserved until I had my first daughter. Only then did I realized what a horrible, selfish, heartless brat I had been, and I often regret the mean and hurtful things I said and did to her. Without my mother's loving hand in raising me, I would not be who I am today, and your Skids will probably someday feel the same way towards you as I do towards my mother now.

Just hang in there, and try not to let the hurtful moments change who you are as a mother and grandmother.

I appreciate the encouragement from both of you. I'm glad I found this website to be able to vent my feelings. I only wish that my husband would listen to what I have to say instead of getting defensive. He feels like I'm attacking them in some way. So, I've just stopped trying. He also talks about his ex quite often, which also irritates me (I don't care to hear it!!) I'm feeling very depressed, hurt and angry, but I've been here before and I'm sure I'll be here again.

You've been married 9 years & he enables his kids to treat you like dirt *& he still talks about his ex*???

Rule #1 for dating:
One mention of the ex, on the first date, is allowable.
If there are children, mention of her/them is required.
You need to know.
*Talking* about ex is not allowable.
The second mention of the ex is your cue to say
"Thanks for the lovely dinner, bye."

After 9 years, maybe it's time to say, "Thanks for the lovely..."

I can see 3 choices:

1. Keep hoping that they'll turn around, & face the fact that they aren't likely to.
oh my's story is encouraging, but that was her own mother.
Your stepchildren were older when you came on the scene;
if/when they have children, they're more apt to relate their childhood behavior to their mother & not to you.

2. Tell your husband that your days of being the family utility are over, that he is on formal notice that if he doesn't immediately start acting like your loving partner instead of his children's pawn, you're outta there.

& make it stick.

The first time he tolerates sass, disrespect, or booting you out of a family picture (if he's family & you're not, then you're not in *his* family either), take the car & drive it straight to a lawyer's office.

3. Cut your losses & leave now.
You did your best for 9 years, no need to throw away more good intentions & good years.

If you don't do one of these 2 things, the rest of your life will be just like it is now...until it gets worse.

If/when your husband needs care, you'll be the caregiver/nurse/janitor;
if the kids visit at all, it won't be to help or to give you a break;
they'll make note of all the ways in which you are inadequate, they'll try to get their father to change his will, they'll steal things from your house.

& if he dies before you do, they'll sue you for more of his estate & try to force you to sell your home to pay them off.

I wish you the best.

Seriously...those are very harsh suggestions! but...nothing I haven't already thought of :( . I do love my husband and I have to point out that my SK's have never come out and disrespected me. They do it in subtle ways that only I and them would know or realize. I don't get pushed out of family pictures, they just don't take pictures of me being there. They will take pictures of everyone else thats there but not me. As far as talking about the ex...I've just gotten to the point of where I don't respond to it or I'll just ignore him. He complains about her, but I think that's just a way to try and make me feel like he doesn't care about her. I've told him before that the love/hate line is very thin and I think he protests too much! His defense mechanism kicks in right about then. I know he loves me and sometimes I don't think he realized how much he talks about her. Oops there's my defense mechanism kicking in.

I see a fine line between a stepmother expecting to be treated as a mom, and seeing disrespect when that doesnt happen, and a SM expecting to be kowtowed to.

I dont think a SM is a mom, she may be a wonderful person, but she is not the mom. There are many words with mother in them, like grandmother, godmother, stepmother, and these people may be loved and respected but are not the mom. Its that simple, and I think SMs who expect to be treated as a mom (or GM or stepgrandchildren) are setting themselves up for a fall.

I dont see lack of respect. I see lack of treatement of SM as mom. There is a difference. I think OP should come up with a cute name the stephgranchildren can call her (Nanna L, for example) and then enjoy them.

As to him talking about her, what is the nature of the converstaions -- is it X said she would buy the crib, etc. My BIL talks about his X, part of it is his son works in stepdads business (and boy is my sister happy that he has a agood job). My BIL talks about his X when he and sis are visiting me, but the conversations have some connection to his son. No one gets upset. My sister feels valued for who she is and what she contributes.

Everone says without my sisters help, her SS would never have gotten through college (she tutored him and encouraged him). She would be the first to say she doesnt want thanks, his getting a degree is its own reward. The SS and his wife are expecting their first child. My sister says she is not joining the competition of the two grandmothers, but is happy to contribute what she can. She is the one who researched and set up a 529 plan for the new baby.

i like sylvia's posts, harsh, but right to the point. I would also be afraid that they will take advantage of you and your finances later in life. All of this makes me think about myself. i am not married, but my BF's DDs, especially older one is very very money greedy. So she is very displeased with both of her parents being in a realtionship. She worries that BM (she openly says it) will spend her money and her retirement and her inheritance (large sum of money)on her BF, which means DD won't get as much. All of this makes me think that should I ever marry BF, his older DD would be very against it because it would mean she can't suck all the money out of dad. Oh boy I guess I better think twice if i want to be in all this. he already chooses to upset me every time rather than upset them. It scares me.

Your SD said that she does not think of you as a mother, but did she tell you what she does think of you as? Was what she said intended to hurt you or just a statement that her mother is her mother, not you?

I am a strong believer that giving birth to a child or getting someone pregnant with a child is not what makes a "mom" or a "dad", but the child doesn't always see it that way. I'm sure she wishes her mom did all the things you did for her growing up, but you have to take what you get, and she still loves her mom very much. That's natural. I wouldn't let it bother you. She probably feels that if it weren't for you, her mom would have been doing more, kind of like you're the one who prevented that.

My SD does not call me mom. It was never thought of. She has a mom. She calls my parents, her step-grandparents, by their first names. That's fine too. She already had grandparents when I came into the picture. However, that does not stop me or my parents from loving her and caring for her as if she were born into our family. We do not push the title, nor let the lack thereof bother us. It's just semantics. She does call my sister and her husband aunt and uncle, but I guess you can never have too many of those, and they're super kid-friendly.

My BD, on the other hand, calls my husband's parents Grandma and Grandpa, but I doubt she would even recognize her paternal grandparents at this point. My husband's parents have always treated her as if she were born a member of their family, and I really appreciate that. I think it's sad when people distance themselves from children in their family because they're not "blood".

My BD does not usually call my husband "dad" when talking to him, but she does refer to him as "dad" when talking about him to others, like at school or to her siblings. When we got married, she asked if she could change her last name too. I was sort of in shock when I got her journal home from school at the end of last year and all through it it said, "My dad took us to the flea market....My dad took us swimming..." etc. She knows that he's not the dad she was born with, but she also knows that he's more of a dad than her real "dad" ever has been...and it's certainly not because I promoted that idea. She still wishes her "other dad", as she calls him on the rare occasion she brings him up at all, would be more involved.

The last nine years of your life has not been wasted. The time and energy you put into your skids has not been wasted. You have helped shape them into who they are today, whether or not anyone admits it or thanks you for it...ever. You can only ever do the best you know how, and I hope that you can find peace in the good things you've done and let go of those things you cannot control.

theothermother, every time BF talks about X i start talking about mine. He stops right there or says he doesn't like it. Doesn't like taste of his own medicine. Try talking about your X or Xs every time he starts about his. See how long he will take it.

Fd,

I dont see what in OPs post indicates possible money issues down the road, but I always advocate talking about money and dealing with before marriage, especially second marriage, children etc. I have been flamed before when people say everything should go to wife (children not entitled to anything) but I think it should be disucssed up front and dealt with.

As far as money is concerned, I think that the amount left to the spouse and children should depend on the age of the person who died. When my grandfather died I can not imagine what would have happened to my grandmother if all my grandpas money went to support their kids instead of my grandmother, who was too old to work full-time!

If my dh was to die after we retired and the kids were left with most of the money, even though they were still able to work full-time, how would I survive? Or even if it was the other way around and I died, I would think that if we were in retirement already that most of the money should go to him to live on! If we were wealthy then of course the kids could have some of the money, but I think first priority is for the spouse to be able to survive financially after the death! I could not imagine going through the death of a spouse, and then financial ruin because the kids were arguing over getting our house, investments, bank accounts, etc.

Even when people enter a second marriage they have obligations to eachother. My dh and I both work full-time and our money is combined. We have bank accounts, investments, etc. If he were to die why would his kids get all "our money"? We were about equal financially when we married and their is no "mine" or "his" now. And if we were to have another child I would be a sahm, does that mean that I would no longer be entitled to any of "our" money if something happened to my dh?

Just because some of us are second wives does not mean we are second class citizens who deserve nothing from the life we made with our spouse!

Somebody posted the Ex and kids can sue and try to get your house,hope thats not true.. wouldnt put it past them to try that...I know my DHs kids and EX feel entitled to everything, I m a johhny come lately, and they are the REAL family..Sigh...But we had wills made, and lucky we did because DH had heart attack and pacemaker a year later, so I m glad they cant say I pressured him into a will because of his poor health ....You and your spouses money are just that, I think, yours to spend as you wish..Noone is entitled to an inheirtance, thats a choice... I ve aked DH if the REAL family would step forward if there were liabilities, not assets at the end???? Help pay for nursing home etc, if that was the case, but No I m sure in that case, you re the wife, thats YOUR problem....

Unless there is more that you are not saying, with what you posted I can't quite figure out how they are very disrespectful to you.

SD doesn't take pictures of you and doesn't consider you her mother. Okay, that is not disrespectful. Feelings go two ways. You can always sit down and talk to her to see where she is coming from.

As far as your husband getting involved..really, can you imagine him going to SD demanding respect for you. What would the conversation consist of? "Take SM's picture and consider her your mom!" Crazy.

Mom2emall,

I see atittudes about money all over the place here, from SMs who share money with dad, and then resent spending for college, etc. So I think discussion and planning is importatn. Every family different.

"This hurt and I told her so, but it didn't seem to matter to her. My husband wont stand up on any issue between them and me or defend me or protect me to them because he doesn't want to look bad in their eyes. He doesn't want them mad at him. I've been told to just wait, later in life when they get old enough they will realize what they had as a SM and be grateful."

"I did everything a BM would have done (and should have been doing) but got NO credit for any of it!!! Now I'm wondering what's happened to the last 9 years of my life"

That's exclusion, disrespect, & ingratitude on the part of the children, & add taking-for-granted to the list on the part of the husband.

My post was supportive, not harsh, toward OP, & realistic toward the situation described;
if the suggestions are more decisive than what she wants to do, that's entirely up to her, but it doesn't make my words harsh-
given the situation described, they're realistic.

I do wish her the best.

Sylvia, as the mother of a teenager, I dont think anyone, even a biological parent should count on getting gratitude from a teenager. All this child did was say she didnt think of her as a mother. I am glad I have this board to define disrepect, becuase I think this is little tough. As to Dad not standing up, all I see is children who dont regard SM as mom. That is not disrespect in my book. SM does not equal the ohter mom in my book.

"Somebody posted the Ex and kids can sue and try to get your house"

When people get divorced there is a settlement at that point as far as finances and assets. So how in the world could an ex spouse be entitled to anything after their ex spouse dies? Makes no sense to me. Even if you were married 30 years, when you divorce you get what a judge thinks you deserve. How could you be entitled to anything else years later? And as far as kids suing their stepparent for their parents money and assets, well where are the morals and values? If a person makes a will when they are in sound mind and health then shoudn't people abide by their wishes of how their money and assets are to be divided? Just because your someones relative or ex spouse does not automatically entitle you to inherit anything from them! Geez!

Good grief.

Firstly, regardless of how appalling these kids act, they have a father, so focusing only on what you can expect from "teen-agers" is ignoring a huge part of the problem.

Secondly, she said she did everything a mother would have done or should have done.

don't know what else went on during those years, don't know if their mom was drunk or on drugs or doing research to find a cure for cancer.

don't care.

If she had been an Auntie Mame figure who enjoyed their company every other week-end, or if she had come along when they were about to graduate from high school, that would be a *little* different, but even if that were the situation, I'd still think, after she had spent nine years as their father's partner/wife, they'd have the courtesy to inlcude her in a few snapshots, & if they didn't, that their father would care enough about her feelings to put one arm around her & the other arm around son or daughter & say to the photographer, "how about one more snap right here?".

& these aren't developmentally-snotty 14- or 15-year-olds;
they're 19 & 20, & one of them has children.

The ex could sue the estate if she was owed child support or alimony or some such, but the children are a different story.

In Texas, if someone dies intestate (leaves no will), there are formulas for division of property.

This being a community property state, the spouse keeps her half of the community property & gets a certain percentage of his half, & each child gets a certain percentage.

If he owned the house prior to the marriage, it may not be community property, in which case she doesn't have a "half", so children from the first marriage would be better off financially if they could prove to a court that the house was not community property.

If he had stock or other assets prior to the marriage, they'd be up for grabs, too.

Even if the second wife supported her husband & they banked all his income, if his accounts were in existence prior to the marriage, the kids could claim that they were not community property.

It's incredibly complicated & scary, & every couple needs to sit down with an estate planner & attorney.

So, she says she did everything a BM would. That's great.

But, does SD and SS feel that way?

There are always feelings involved in both cases.

As a BM myself, I don't expect my child at 19 and 20 to give me verbal gratitude for being a good BM. Not that I would expect disrespect, but I think that is where there is a big difference. SM's (and stepkids) do demand a lot of upfront respect and anything seen as not, is 'very disrespectful.'

Yes, I was a little confused by the statement that she did everything a BM would do. Does that mean she did the same type of things? Or 100% of them? Did Dad fight for custody and then expect SM to do all of the work?

Well, I think it is easy to see things from your own perspective, but not others.

Her statement that she did everything could mean everything that she thought BM would do. Or could mean all the work a BM would do, but not the nurturing side. It can mean so many things and SD and SS's version could be different. After all, the had a whole 9 years before she came into the picture and they were obviously parented during that time also.

Who knows how they feel but them? If it is that important that SD said she doesn't consider her as a BM, then I would assume she would want to know why. The only way you are going to get that answer is by asking her.

Perhaps the respect the OP speaks of is just acknowledgment that she went out of her way to promote the happiness and welfare of 2 kids that she had no true *obligation* to. If someone does something kind for you should you not appreciate it? I picked up my SD'd best friend and took her to school Friday, even though SD was at her mom's for visitation. Should best friend not say thank you because I'm like a 2nd mother to her?

She didn't think so - I was thanked at least twice. So why should OP's skids not be expected to show appreciation for the kindness shown by OP? I'm not saying call her mom or treat her as mom, but treat her with appreciation for all she has done with them for the last 9 years . . . . things that were not required of her.

I apparently didn't make myself clear about the respect thing. I'm not asking these kids to call me "mom", I'm not asking them to go out of their way to make sure I'M happy. Being a teenager once myself I understand that right now in their lives I am not important. But as justnotmartha stated I am looking for some appreciation, maybe a 'thankyou' here and there. These kids seem to think that everything should be given to them. I think I blame my husband and the X for this, my parents taught me when I was growing up to be polite and respectful of others, where has that gone?! I don't think that it is too much to ask to be included. The rest of the family considers me to be a part. Take a picture and then later delete it if you don't want it. As far as being nurturing to these 2 kids, I was there when they cried , when they were sick I took care of them. When I say that I did everything that a BM would or should do, I mean that I did everything. And yes the BM has and has had a drinking problem. When my SD was 16 years old her BM would call her and have her come pick her up at the bar at 2:00 in the morning. She would have to sit out in a dark parking lot surrounded by drunks waiting for her and told her not to say anything to her dad. Gee, if this is what I have to do to be considered MOM, I'll pass!!!

I don't think you are getting it.

Just because YOU think you did, does SD and SS do? Maybe they have issues with something YOU do. Just like you have issues with what you call disrespect.

I don't know any other way to say this, but if you did act as BM....why don't they say thank you?

I also do think that this is typical. This is how people act. They do take for granted their loved ones.

I also don't know why you are hung up on being considered Mom. You're not. Yes, BM was horrible. But, you are still not Mom. It's that easy.

I took care of my brothers and sisters for a long time, should I expect to be considered as Mom?

I dont understand why OP is as you say, hung up, on being considered the mom. I think wanted to be called Grandma is an extension of wanting to be the mom.

Here's what OP said at 8:45 AM Sunday morning, Feb 3.

'I'm not asking these kids to call me "mom"'

And this is what she said at the end of that same post. She is hung up on being considered Mom.

"Gee, if this is what I have to do to be considered MOM, I'll pass!!!"

That may be true litereally, but she is upset at not being called Grandma and upset when SD tells her she doesnt think of her as mom. I think she is upset at not being treated as the mom. IMHO.

I think you are arguing semantics to have a point of contention against a SM, KKNY - IMHO.