It's tough and I feel for you. Only you know you're current problems with your relationship... and it's apparent that you also realize how adding two full time kids that get out of hand a lot to the mix is going to make things worse, not better. It just sounds like you have already made up your mind, you are not married to him and you have your DD to think about. If it were me, I would focus on why she feels that way toward you? Could it be that you got together with BF too soon or she is just unhappy with the entire situation? Does she feel like she's left out or not getting any attention? I'd explore that and work on that before adding two more kids to an already troubled relationship. (not that all relationships don't have problems) But it's something to think about before you get married. Once you make that commitment, then I would say you knew what you were getting into before you married him. Being a step mom is VERY HARD. It's not something to enter into lightly or glamorize/fantasize that things will smooth out over time. It takes a lot of work and there are probably going to be a lot more steps backwards than forward. It can be very rewarding and also very frustrating. It's not for everyone, so whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Thank you imamommy. I am so confused right now about which way to turn. We have lived together for almost 2 years now and we have had a great relationship up until about 6 months ago. He lied about some money problems because he says he didn't want to worry me. The house we rent is in my name but he pays the rent and I pay all other bills. Anyway..he lied twice about paying the rent when he hadn't. Then I discovered that he was having an issue with porn and hiding it from me...when I confronted him he lied about that too. That was the part that bothered me the most was lying about it. When we moved in together he knew I was getting my divorce. The day of my divorce he told me he also just got his divorce a few days prior to mine even though he led me to believe that he was divorced when we met. I don't think though that he tries to hurt me but he is scared to tell me the truth about things out of fear that he will loose me. In the middle of all of those problems I find out that he is getting his kids full time because the BM has flaked out on all her responsbilites. I do think that the kids need to be with him though. They need a parent that can take care of them properly. I just don't think I can take part in it. Having them around and crying for their mommy brings back the issues I have with my own daughter. My daughter pulled away from me before the BF came in the picture though. She has put a wall up and refuses to see me. I guess she feels that I have let her down and maybe I have. I have tremendous guilt for a lot of things that happened in my divorce and the way things were handled with my daughter. I live with that pain and guilt everyday. Bringing 2 other kids into my life to help raise and take care of is more than I can handle at this point in my life. Maybe I should just walk away and save everyone from anymore hurt. It is just hard to walk away from BF..I do love him but don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

I think you need a break to evaluate yourself, your situation, and what you truly want out of life. It is not such a terrible thing to step back and take stock of your life and what you want as opposed to just living life by putting one fire out at a time. Get your own place even if just on a six month lease and take that time to do only things that interest you... take that time to reach out to your daughter. You don't have to leave your bf.. just date for a while ... give him a chance to get settled with his daughters.. Give yourself a chance to catch up and make sure this is what is right for you. Explain to your Bf that this is what you need to be able to fully commit to a life together... you take a breath for a minute. And maybe you will realize that you are happier on your own..maybe you will realize that you really are ready to handle bf and twins. Just take a moment to discover it for yourself.

I agree..I need to take a break and step back to look at everything. Trouble is I'm afraid of hurting BF and I know if I say we need to take a break he is going to be hurt and not understand. Plus it complicates things for him because our lease is up in 2 months and if I move into my own place he is going to have to find his own place for him and the twins. I don't think he was planning on that so it will throw a kink in things. He can't afford to stay on at the house were in not with rent and all the utilities too. I am scared to leave because I know I will miss him but he is so stressed and distant towards me when he has his kids which before yesterday was only EOW now it is for good. So from here on out our relationship will probably always be strained and distant. I don't think I can live like that with someone who tells me they love me. We were supposed to get married, buy a house and one day have a child of our own. I don't see any of that happening. He has a lot on his plate now. Between working a full time job, semi-pro photographer on the side and twins...over time he has managed to kinda keep me on the back burner somewhere. I guess I have got to know when to walk away.

An update-I decided to stay and give it a go. The twins moved in a couple of days ago and so far everything has been ok. They seem to be calming down some and listening a little bit better (just a little bit though). I have to be honest here....I think that because their BM lets them run wild and doesn't usually correct them about anything that is why they would always act wild when they came to our house EOW. Maybe now that they are living with their Dad and I...things will get better. They are having to repeat kindergarten because the BM did not want to get up out of bed to take them! Pretty bad I must say. She wouldn't take them to the doctor, dentist or anything that required some effort on her part. Sad thing is they have no idea at this point what has happened and that their mom is going to be locked up. I have no idea when she will be able to see them again. I am sure before long they are going to start asking about her...I am leaving that to their Dad to explain to them. Who knows maybe this can work out and I can handle it. It is hard to play the mommy role though when my own daughter wants nothing to do with me despite all my efforts with her. I want to be a mommy to her again so badly and it is hard to make room for other children. I'm praying though that things will work out for the best in the end.

I'll be praying for you and your daughter too. I know that's hard for you. Stay strong.

Being consistent and keeping a routine give them the stability they need (twins) and it's good that they have you in their lives. Be patient and in time, things will get better with them. I noticed that it took about three months for SD to settle into things better (not as many outbursts or fits) but it gets better with time. Sometimes it helps to put yourself in their shoes and try to feel what they are going through. Good luck.

Good luck, your in a tough situation. Hopefully the skids behaviors will not be as wild as it was before they were with you since they are in a more structured environment now. It may take a little while until their mom being out of the picture starts to really hit them, so be ready for that. Hopefully she gets her life straightened out and becomes a positive in her childrens lives. God knows I wish that my dh's ex would do something positive in her kids lives!!

Thank you for the words of encouragement! I am trying really hard to adjust to this life changing experience of having the twins. I didn't know how much my life was going to change but it has changed quite a bit. No more taking naps, watching lifetime, reading or talking on the phone to friends. I have always been a person who loves the peace and quiteness of just laying on the couch and reading a book with my cup of coffee. Those days may be gone for a while. I will have to find news ways to relax and relieve stress I guess. I am giving this my best though and trying to be there for the twins. I have thought about how they must be feeling. They lived at the their mom's boyfriend's house for a while with their mom and then moved into their grandmother's house (on their mom's side) and now mom is gone (no one knows where she is) so they are living with us full time now. A lot has changed for them and they probably act out because they don't feel settled anywhere. I know that has to be tough on a child. They haven't started asking questions about their mom yet. I'm sure those questions are coming though soon enough. They have no idea what is going on with their mom and it is sad because I am worried that as the kids get older they may start realizing how they mom just kind of dumped them and I know that is going to hurt. No one wants to think their mom just doesn't care about them. I do think though given her lifestyle that they are better off with us. They have a routine everyday and a lot more stability! I just have to seperate my feelings about my daughter when I'm caring for them. Otherwise it makes me feel guilty or something for doing the mommy things for them. It is hard and I'm sure there will be a lot more challenges down the road but I'm going to keep trying the best I can.

Have you both considered the option of counseling? I know that many people are apprehensive to the option of counseling, but in difficult spots where you feel like you have run out of 'go juice', ideas, and tools, a lot of times, a counselor can shed much needed light on what feels permanently gray. If you need help getting the counselor ball rolling, check with your insurance provider, they can steer you in the right direction. Also, I think that its important for you are your fiance to sit down and pledge to be honest with each other, even if the honesty means that the other person's feelings get hurt. If you can learn to talk with each other about anything, even the 'hard' things, then I have confidence that you can make it through anything. Last thing, make sure your fiance understands the legal ramifications of surfing the net in search of porn. I'm sure that if the twins' mother caught wind of that, it wouldn't look good in court when fiance goes to request full custody. Good luck to you!

Well my strength to make this work is slowly fading. It has only been a week and half and I'm debating whether I stay or go. I can't go on living like this. One day I want to make it work with my fiance and the twins and the next I want to throw in the towel and live alone. I don't know what is wrong with me..how can I be this uncertain? My family and friends tell me it is because deep down I really don't want to do this....get married and help raise the twins....but I am forcing myself to stay out of fear of upsetting fiance and twins. I guess if I am forcing myself to stay then that is not really fair to anyone. This past weekend the kids were at the grandparents house and I felt like I could breathe again. I become so stressed when they are around...the constant whinning and carrying on just drives a hole in my head. I don't blame them though...they are only 6 year old kids. Kids will be kids. I just don't know if I am the right person to take all this on. I have way too much pain and hurt over my daughter and being a mommy to the twins is more than I can handle. Instead of flip flopping back and forth though I know I have to make a decision and stick to it. I just don't know which way to go. Rachael Rae...maybe you are right and counseling would be helpful..I guess I have nothing to lose. I have mentioned the porn issue to my fiance...which I don't think has been an issue here lately but I don't totally trust him anyway with that...I made it clear that if he gets denied full custody because of something like that..then that is his own fault.

Maybe there are too many reasons that I keep finding as to why I don't want to get married to him and help raise his twins. I know when I walk down that aisle again it needs to be forever...even though the first one didn't last forever..I would like to think I am making a lifetime decision and I am afraid I will end up divorced again. He thinks that I should just welcome the whole instant family thing with open arms and it is not that easy for me to do. I feel like I am punishing him though for having diffcult children when he is doing the best he can with them. It makes me feel like an awful person though!

Honestly, you sound so torn that if you stay, you are probably going to be more miserable and eventually, bitter & resentful over it. If you marry him with so many doubts, lack of trust, and reluctance, then it wouldn't surprise me to hear you in a couple of years saying how much you hate his children. In my opinion, this is how it starts out and only gets worse. It's hard to raise someone else's children and if you already have all these uncertain feelings and reasons to NOT do it, then you shouldn't even attempt it.

If he thinks you should welcome an instant family, what is HE willing to do to foster it? Is he going to take parenting classes with you to help get those kids under control? Is he going to stand by you as a united front, even if it means his kids are not going to be happy about it? Is he going to be consistent and give them a structured environment or is it going to be battles with him taking their side? And is he doing anything to help your situation with your daughter? If he isn't going to do those things, you don't need the problems and stress this will cause in your life. There are a lot of great things about being a step family but usually it is NOT easy. If he isn't a true partner to you now, he won't be later.

If you are up for the challenge, I'd suggest getting them on a fixed daily schedule. Getting up at the same time every day and having a set routine is good for kids that age. If there is no consistency, they get anxious and don't know what is going to happen. They don't have great attention spans a lot of the time, so five or ten minutes before you are going to change activities, let them know.. We're going to ..... in five minutes. Kids that age need a lot of attention and if they are bored, they will be rowdy. It isn't easy and I know it's a lot easier said than done. I had six kids (my 3 & my ex's 3) that ranged between 1-8 and I probably would have gone insane and sometimes I'm amazed that I didn't. I was 22 at the time. (I took child development courses but I'd recommend parenting classes too)

Good luck to you and I hope you find the right decision for you.

imamommy....Thank you so much for your reply. Wow...6 kids. I would have gone crazy for sure!

Well..I talked to my fiance a little while ago and suggested some time apart..I need to figure out what is the best thing to do from here. I even mentioned counseling and he said no...that if I leave it is for good and that he is doing that for me. He said he cares about me and feels like time apart and counseling is not going to make me feel any different about things. So..he thinks he is helping me by just saying that if I want to end things then that is fine and that he wants me to be free from feeling guilt for leaving. I guess I have my answer...I should leave and start over on my own. It is going to take a long time though to learn to live without him. I worry to that he has to tell the kids. I don't want to wait though years down the road and realize I made a mistake by staying. That would be harder for everyone.

Years ago .... eeks ... I was dating a guy who had summer visitation with his kids. We met in Sept. for the next 9 months I heard how bad my kids were how wonderful his kids were "if they were my kids, I would...", "my kids wouldn't do that", "and I would see when they came to visit next summer" ok next summer rolls around. We decide to co-habitate for the summer he kept his apartment and I had mine ... but we basically stayed at mine (it was bigger). His kids were no better than mine I realized we would not blend very well our parenting styles were very different his kids could do no wrong and everything mine did was wrong. He worked very long hours, I was working but was left to handle daycare for his youngest same age as my youngest.

I realized mid-july (week 4 of 10)this was not the relationship for me but didn't know what to say without feeling guilty what will he do with them can't "break up" the poor kids would be shipped back immediately and so on.

So I didn't say anything until his children returned home. They weren't gone a week, I sat him down and said I cannot do this I think its better we end this now so you can make arrangements for next summers visitation that do not include me.

Came to realize he saw me as a babysitter for the summer visitation because with out me he would not have been able to do it... saw him a couple years later ... that was the first and last time his children visited for the summer.

My point is... it is not on you to care for his kids unless he is willing to do atleast half as much as you do...if not more. Feeling guilty about not being with your daughter isn't helping matters... until you resolve your feelings over your daughter you won't be able to deal with your feelings about the twins.

Can you sit him down and talk with him about your feelings? if not then I think you can answer your own post on your own... if he isn't willing to justify how you are feeling how can you justify staying.

cawfe...we did sit down yesterday. We actually took the day off from work to resolve this. I explained to him how I feel like I am important to him only because he needs someone to help him with the twins. This is new to him too...as far as caring for them full time. Him and the X split when they were very young so he has never really had them all on his own before. Prior to the twins living with us...we had a pretty good relationship. Never really argued or anything. He did a lot of things around the house and helped out with bills. When the twins started coming over EOW (last fall) everything changed. I felt like I was the one to worry over the bills or buying all the food to feed them...cleaning up behind them etc. It was a lot for me to take on considering it had just been me and him for 2 years and we had kind of a quiet settled little life. I always knew there was a possibility of the twins moving in though and due to being scared at how that would go...that is why I put off getting married to him. That may sound bad but I don't want to make another mistake with marriage. I told him yesterday though that he needs to understand how my whole world has been turned upside down and everything is changing and by the way I am the world's worse person for accepting any kind of change. It takes me forever to adapt to something new. Here lately too he has been really defensive about his kids. Example..they come home from school and throw coats, shoes and bookbags on the floor. I usually clean everything up and either put it in their room or the coat closet in the living room. Several times he has freaked out because I moved his kids belongings and put them somewhere else. He thinks that I am doing it to drive him crazy or because I hate his kids. I told him that was absurd...it is called cleaning up. I generally don't threw my shoes and coat in the floor and leave them there....so I don't let the kids stay in the floor either. He acts like since their his kids not mine..I should not touch their stuff. Of course when I confronted him about it...he said that is not the way he meant it. I don't believe him though. I don't quite know how I am supposed to be a stepmom and we be a family if he gets upset because I have cleaned up something behind the children? It's crazy! He agreed though that maybe he gets worked up over stupid stuff and that he will work on it. It just makes me feel like the outsider when he does that though and I don't see how he expects things to work out if it continues.

He sounds overwhelmed too. It's a big change and you need to support each other. If you are thinking of staying, I would take him to a parenting class, especially since he has never had them there all the time. He should hear from someone other than you, what is appropriate and not. A six year old is old enough to pick up their own coat, shoes & bookbag. If they throw it on the floor, I would go get them, bring them back and have them pick it up and hang it up where it belongs. It's important to nip it in the bud and not be mean about it, just very matter of fact. If they learn that you will pick up after them now, they will expect it later. They may expect it now if that's how they have been raised but they are still young enough to make changes and teach them to do things for themselves. and I really don't need to hear from anyone that says you don't have the right to tell them anything because you aren't actually married to their father yet, they are living in your home and they need to learn basic rules which include picking up after themselves. If you allow them to expect you to pick up after them now, they aren't going to all of a sudden do it themselves if you do decide to get married. They won't care so much about your marital status when it comes down to it. They should be expected to do certain things for themselves whether you are there or not, or if someone else comes along later.

He is overwhelmed and I am trying to be understanding but our relationship has just kind of gone right out the window now. His kids come before me and I wouldn't want it any other way but I guess I feel like I have taken a backseat to everything else in his life now and not as important to him anymore. It so hard to tell him that I think he is doing something wrong....like it really isn't my place to say anything but then I'm thinking the things that he is doing is molding these children's personalities and I may be living with them for a very long time if we stay together. So therefore I will have to put up with whatever rude behaviour that he allows them to get away with. For instance his son got angry at him last night for not buying him a toy so his son said "You aren't my daddy anymore and I hate you....I want to stab you!". That deserves more than just a little pop on the butt which I am sure is all his dad gave him. Then his dad takes him into his room and shuts the door (any time he corrects them he won't do it in front of me...he takes them to their room and shuts the door...always!) so he talks to him a little bit and then everything is ok again until his son pitches another fit about something else. This morning the kids cried because they wanted cookies for breakfast and I said no....well their dad was going to give them cookies anyway. So maybe it isn't my place to say anything about stuff like that since they aren't mine???? I know a lot of people say yes...they live with you it is your place but I feel like their dad gets upset with me if I interfer and his parenting and mine are very different.

I'm going to repeat myself here:

"It's a big change and you need to support each other. If you are thinking of staying, I would take him to a parenting class, especially since he has never had them there all the time. He should hear from someone other than you, what is appropriate and not."

It's not such a big deal if he wants to correct his child in private, but he should not keep you in the dark about it. And the comment his child made sounds more like 'acting out' and something that should be talked through, a spanking or punishment isn't going to help him resolve his feelings. Saying hateful or angry things is how kids express deep emotions. They don't understand how to nicely say 'I'm hurting'. So they act out saying angry things or hitting. It also sounds like he doesn't know how to set limits/boundaries with his kids. Giving in to their demands to keep peace is going to create little monsters and you are right to be concerned about that.

If you are his partner, he needs to communicate with you, especially if he expects or relies on you to help with his kids. If he doesn't treat you like a partner, you need to do what's best for you and your child. You are not obligated to stay, especially if he isn't treating you fairly.

To reprimand kids in private is fine. I always took DD away from anybody else to talk about her behavior. Even now when she is grown if it is a serious issue, I don't want others to listen.

They only 6, they are little kids. My niece is 6, she throws temper tantrums once in awhile. that;s what kids do. They might grow to be troubled, but it can happen to your own kids too.

But of course you can and should move their stuff when you clean, it is ridicilous not to. In any case discuss in detail what your role should be, you have to be on the same page. Don't start your marriage not knowing where you stand as SM.

I understand about sometimes speaking to kids in private about something bad that they have done. If I ask him though if everything ok when he is done...he kind of brushes me off like I should not be asking a question like that..their his kids and it's none of my concern. It just makes me feel like I'm an outsider and to be honest I think he speaks to them in private because he is really not punishing them....he pacifies them to makes them calm down. He knows that I would probably think he is being a softy for giving in to them all the time so he doesn't want me to hear him talk to them. Even after the outburst the other day (which happens almost daily) where his son tells him how much he hates him...he takes him out and buys him toys. In my opinion he is creating monsters because these children get rewarded for being bad. I know that children have temper tantrums...my daughter had plenty at that age but however I did not buy her toys to keep the peace and make her happy. So everytime my BF takes his kids to a store they throw a fit wanting something. I have been in a store with them one time since I have known him...I refuse to go in a store with them because of how they will behave. I feel BF has contributed big time in this behavior problem that they have. He thinks though that there isn't really a problem and that he is not making things worse by the way he handles them. If they get up in the morning and want cookies for breakfast he gives it to them so they won't whine. Things like that drive me crazy. I get sick of hearing the whining and begging and then to see him give in. I fear how they will be as teenagers! I agree that he needs to go to parenting classes but if I tell him that he will take that as an insult..trust me. He thinks that he has things under control.

I think am holding on because I'm hoping that I will adjust to things or that maybe things will get easier..truth is they probably won't. It just makes me sad to throw away what we used to have but maybe that is the key...we USED to have. Things aren't that way anymore and may never be again.

I didn't read every single on of the posts on here ... but as I am sure you have been told. It is time for a serious sit down with BF. You both need to be on the same page with these kids and your lives. If my DH ever got on my case for picking up the kids stuff like I shouldnt be touching their things we never would have made it to the wedding. More so, if we had not talked and decided that we would be equal partners in regards to ALL parts of our lives then I would have never gotten married. Not that I pick up after the kids (they are old enough to do that themselves and just about every day I have to call them back out to the living room to pick up their school stuff and put it up) But, if I did I would be highly upset if someone told me I couldnt touch a child's belongings in my home... and pick up my living room. And more so, even if he does have a private talk with the kids about their behavior... (as my DH sometimes does with the boys) he should still fill you in on what happened and the outcome so that you can be aware. You two have to be a team to make the family and soon to be marriage work. If you are not going to be then there is a huge possibility that this isnt the place for you.

Talk to him... go out to dinner .. go to your favorite spot...if need be have a drink and be honest and TALK. Don't criticize.. don't whine... just be frank and talk

You are lucky that you are seeing these red flags before you get maried. I have to say I admire your strength in confronting these issues before getting hitched.

A lot of similar issues presented themselves prior to my marriage & I thought they would get better with time. Some did, some did not.

You are smart to take your time and think it through.

XXX

Thanks catlettuce.

I am taking my time with this whole situation!

I guess sometimes I get fustrated with it because a couple of years ago I pictured us already being married and buying a home...I feel that none of that will ever happen now.

Things are so rocky between him and I. I wish that I felt differently about things but taking on his kids full time is more than I can handle right now. I just feel like I am throwing away something that could be good again one day and that is hard for me to accept.

I know that I can't go on the way I am now though...not knowing who is going or staying. It is stressing me out pretty bad and causing me to feel tense all the time. I feel as if I am holding my breath and waiting for something to happen and then I can breathe again.

I love getting all of your advice though...it really helps me!
Thank you!!!

Just an update-

Fiance (well....now ex-fiance) and twins moved out last weekend. I came home Sunday from a friends house and the kids were running around, house a mess and their dad stuck like glue to the computer as usual. I threw my hands up (not in front of the kid of course) and told him I have had enough. I was so stressed when I came home that day my hands were shaking and I could not make them stop. I knew then that I could not go on that way anymore. I miss ex-fiance a lot. We still talk and plan to go for counseling but I can not live with the kids anymore. I really don't know what good counseling will even do. I don't think going to counseling will magically change me and I will be able to handle the twins after that. As much as I love ex-fiance...I can't take them on full time. I feel like I'm being a horrible person but since they have been gone (only 1 week) I am so much more relaxed and look forward to going home after work. Before I hated going home because I knew it would be chaos with the kids being there. Problem is if I can't live with the kids then I can't live with ex-fiance. It was a choice that I had to make though.

It seems like you really need a break! Sometimes I wish I could walk away for a while, clear my head and come back when the problems are already solved!! But if your not happy, the last thing you should be thinking about is how it will effect your BF if you decided to leave. Most women have that problem, we are always worried about others and not enough about ourselves! YOUR not happy!! (HUGE RED FLAG!!) Whatever you do don't marry this man. You don't want to go through a second divorce. Your BF might be a wonderful person, and I'm sure he is if you fell in love with him, but it doesn't sound like it is the right relationship for you. And that's not your fault and it's not his fault either. Maybe you should see these events as a blessing that your in no way ready or willing to commit your life to this man and his children. Staying in a relationship your not happy with is a disservice to you and to everyone else involved that you drag through it longer then necessary. I hope I don't sound harsh because I certainly don't mean it that way. I completely understand the difficulty of being in this kind of relationship and I understand how difficult it can be to walk away from someone you love. I struggled myself for two years in a unhappy relationship, finally left him and litterally two days later met THE most wonderful man who I dated for six years and then married last year. I'm not always happy but I know there is no problem too big I don't want to work out with this man. He's too wonderful!! God has a plan for you and YOU deserve to be happy!

I really hope everthing works out for you and you can find piece of mind. And again I hope I don't come off as harsh and judgemental. Just very empathetic because of my own experience in a very similar situation.

But, the problem isn't really the kids. It's your ex-fiance. As their father he should be stepping up to the plate and teaching his children to behave like civilised human beings, and not being "glued to the computer" while they wreak havoc around the house, not rewarding their poor behaviour and not treating you as if what goes on in your home doesn't concern you.
Even if the twins hadn't come to live with you, he probably would behave the same way further down the track with any children the two of you might have had together. You WILL get over this, and I hope that in the future you meet someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, and who will be a great Dad should you decide to have children.
Luckily you've found out what your fiance is like as a parent before comitting yourself totally. I think you've dodged a bullet.

we all have to decide what is the deal breaker and be honest about it. You are honest about not wanting to be around young kids. so you made a decision. I am sorry you have to end a relationship but I command you for your honesty.

Where did she say she didn't want to be around young kids?

Bookworm, you did the only thing you could.

Staying in that situation wouldn't have made this guy's life or his children's lives any happier or better (although maybe the coats would have been picked up off the floor), & your own life would have been miserable.

Sometimes all you can do is bless them, wish them well, & let them go.

Bookworm, as difficult as this decision has clearly been for you, I commend you for being mature enough to see the big picture. And while nobody should have to feel like they need to back away/sacrifice themselves in this situation, it is admirable that you at least are not forcing someone else to do that. You've made an unselfish decision, based on a realistic assessment of the possible risks & pitfalls... and while it stinks that it appears "someone has to leave" and you shouldn't HAVE to do it, it shows character that you're not in there trying to muscle your supremacy on the one hand nor showing naive lack of foresight/consideration on the other. Not everyone is ready to be a perfectly unselfish, infinitely patient step-parent (I know I wouldn't be yet, step or bio!), and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact I think it's much better to admit that than to think you're ready w/o being mindful of the pitfalls and getting in over your head. That does no good for anyone. I wish you the best.

sylivia these kids seem to behave like regular 6 year old kids, plus they are twins! My cousin has triplets and it is a crazy house. And cousin is very structured and organized and consistent and yet it is tough. i can't imagine if she would be single who would want to be with her in this situation.

so 6 year old twins create chaos , and bookowrm seem to have problem with that. she said that raising two young children full time is too much to handle, and she is honest about it.

i would be hesitant to judge behavior of twins on poor upbringing. A lot of twins or triplets are difficult. and bookowrm has problems with her own child as well, i don't think she would want to be judged as bad mother. Kids are kids and sometimes behave badly or make poor choices no matter how we raise them.

i persnally don't want young kids in my house full time and would not setlle with someone with young kids. it is not good or bad, it is just what people are willing to put up with.

so *you're* saying she didn't want to be around young kids.

sylvia, read OP's posts. Read her very first post: "We live together and he gets the SKIDS EOW. Well...I have struggled with it because of issues with my own daughter." I didn't make this up.

Then she goes on saying that them crying for their mother reminds her of her own child too much. her relationship with BF is already troubled and bringing young children will make it even worse. she is in pain because of her daughter being estranged and taking care of these children is too much for her. she also says it is hard to play mommy role with these children because her own daughter pulled away from her etc. I am not making anything up but taking it verbatim from her posts. After describing all these issues OP does talk about BF not being consistent enough with children etc, of course it is a problem. But because of what she said prior to that, BF's incosistency does not seem to be a main issue here. Of course I could be wrong, but I am just reading exactly what OP says.

so OP said she was overwhelmed & she didn't know how to fix it.

she didn't say she doesn't want to be around young kids, or even these particular kids.

I read what she wrote, too,
& I read what you wrote,
& they are not the same.

I didn't write anything, these are OP's words, direct quotes. You are free to interpret OP's words differently. But these are not MY words.

"It is hard to play the mommy role though when my own daughter wants nothing to do with me despite all my efforts with her. I want to be a mommy to her again so badly and it is hard to make room for other children"

"Having them around and crying for their mommy brings back the issues I have with my own daughter."

" I have tremendous guilt for a lot of things that happened in my divorce and the way things were handled with my daughter. I live with that pain and guilt everyday. Bringing 2 other kids into my life to help raise and take care of is more than I can handle at this point in my life."

Right.

Those are OP's words.

Wow...didn't know there was so many posts on this over the weekend. I appreciate everything everyone posts on here. It really does help put things into perspective for me.

I think there are a lot of reasons why BF and I called off wedding and can't live together anymore. It goes way back to when we first met really. He never encouraged me to spend any time with the kids in the beginning and honestly I never brought it up because they were with their mom most of the time. He never had them very much. So...I figured it was as most divorced parents where the kids were with the mom about 70-80% of the time. We dated for almost a year with no kids around. I met the kids after a year's time went by...they were 4 at the time. Yes..I was still hurting greatly by my daughter pushing me away and it was diffcult to be around them. They reminded me of what I no longer had. I saw them maybe 2 more times before BF and I moved in together and then I found out that the whole time we were dating not only had he been fighting their mom to be able to see them and that is why he never really had them but he was also still married to their mother. He divorced her after the second week of us living together. He lied - he told me when we first met that he was divorced. (Also I found out after being together for a few months that the kids mom was his second wife...there is a first wife out there somewhere too.) I didn't care too much at the time because I though well we are just dating...who cares. I should have known better though. That is my fault because I hung around long enough to allow myself to fall in love with him. I should have known better when who I thought was the ex-wife not THE wife was calling him wanting more money for the kids, threating to not let him see the kids ever again if he didn't do what she wanted. I had been with him about 5-6 months when I noticed this pattern of her calling screaming...then him giving in. I told him "It's none of my business but if she already gets child support..you don't owe her anything and legally she can't dangle the kids over your head and keep them from you." So he took her to court and fixed that problem.

Once we had moved in together everything seemed great at first. He was helping split the bills and was there for me emotionally during times when things got tough with my daughter. Trust me there were plenty of those times and still are. He then became obessed with expensive hobbies, porsches, mountain bike riding, photography etc. Basically he blew ALL of his savings within about a year and a half. I was unaware of this and since we aren't married thought it was none of my business. He had told me that he had money put up for us to have a nice wedding and buy a house one day. The money is now gone. Still renting with no plans of buying a home and no way to really buy one anyway. The house we rent (which I am now living in because it is in my name and he can't handle the rent payments) was the only bill he was responsbile. I took care of everything else and twice he lied about having paid the rent when in fact he did not. It wasn't really the fact that he didn't have the money it was that he lied to me..then again I guess if he had not blown all of his money on hobbies he might have been able to afford the rent.

So..we are already running into some road blocks. He is terrible with money and lies about it. He bought me a cell phone for my birthday and within a few months it was cut off because he didn't pay the bill. Even though it was his idea to pay the bill. I didn't run the bill up...he just didn't pay the monthly bill for it. So..I had to to go out and get new phones under my name for myself and him because he is in collections now. We had cable turned on when we moved..he let the bill go. We now have it turned on in my name because he has gone to collections for that too. Now keep in mind in the beginning he ALWAYS seemed to have his finances under control and was smart with money. I don't have good credit for different reasons from my first marriage. However, I told him that up front. I never lied to him about anything. We also had a joint checking account..after me being on it for 2 weeks he overdrew it and now I am facing collections because of that. He has done nothing to try and pay the bank off and fix the problem. It's my fault for trusting him. But....I thought well...every couple goes through financial problems...we can fix this. About 2 weeks after I make that decision to give it another go....I am told his twins (who I don't really know) are moving in full time. Talk about a ton of bricks dropped in my lap. My relationship w/ BF was falling apart already and we were in the process of trying to fix it. When the kids came to live with us-EVERYTHING turned upside down. For awhile he had been telling me how their mom was finally getting her life together and the kids were coming over EOW and then all of the sudden I am told that their mom is running from the law. Too much drama! One day he is telling me he is having child support stopped and that he is getting it since he has the kids (which he has not gone to court about yet)then the next day he says that his ex-wife's mom (the kid's grandmother) is getting the child support money. I get so confused and tired of it all. To top if off even though we aren't living together anymore-he came over this past weekend (kids were at grandma's house) and he spend the whole time on the computer. I ask myself what am I holding on so tight for??? Why bother??? I want someone who will be honest with me and love me. Not someone who loves me in the beginning so that I will agree to move in and accept their proposal of marriage and show their true colors to me later. That has hurt me so much.

So...it may not be so much the kids...I don't know. I just know that I have grown inpatient with BF and that I don't have it in me to sacrifice that much of my life in helping to raise his kids. Taking on 6 yr twins is a lot of work and can be so stressful-especially since I didn't not know what I was getting myself into. I gave it a few months to see if I could handle it..so at least I can say I tried. He needs to learn to be more responsible...he is almost 40 and is back living at mom's house again with his kids. He need to learn to be a dad first before he can be a husband to anyone. He lets them walk all over him. They have learned how to play him because they know he is soft and will give in. I think he does that out of guilt because they don't have their mom. I have explained that he is not helping them though by being soft and always feeling sorry for them when they are being bad.

I think letting go of him is hard because I am holding on to the way it used to be. That was not really him though. I have to move on some how. It just breaks my heart to think how things used to be and to see how they are now. I have become bitter and angry and I think at times he gets angry with me because he wants me to love and accept his kids. It was hard telling him that I can not live with his kids.

Too much drama is right!!!
Book, you it the nail on the head, you should be with someone who will be honest with you and love you.
I hope that you can overcome the bitter and angry part, and get on with the being happy on your own part. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, so even though it's awful, it's good that you realized it all now, not after you were married.
You seem like a pretty tough cookie, with a good head on your shoulders, and it seems to me that you know yourself well enough to get through all this.
I'm proud of you for knowing what you need from a relationship and taking charge of your life, rather than letting this guy ruin everything.
Keep strong, Book!

Dear Lord! Let this man go. He is NOT a keeper. Two other women have proved that already. Enjoy your freedom, and be glad you can now look for someone who is not the boyfriend equivalent of a nearly derelict "fixer-upper". Sorry to be so harsh but you really need to take off those rose-coloured glasses hon. There are better men out there, and you deserve one of them.

Thanks! It has taken a lot for me to get to the point where I felt like I need to stand up for me. I have been married for 12 yrs before and dated a couple of other people long term and all of them have been bad choices for me. I think maybe I am finally getting to the point where I am seeing a pattern with how I let my guard down and trust people too easily. I have told myself over and over again...maybe he can change. People can change. Bottom line is though he is who he is and the stress that surrounds the kids...all that drama...may never go away. There is more stuff that has happened I'm sure and I'm just forgetting it. I know of another time where I told him how my ex-husband was so hooked on porn and he kept it from me for months and months. My BF said "Well I think it is wrong for a man to hide that from his woman. That is something a couple should be open about". He turned around and did the same thing my first husband did. I confronted him with the laptop in his face...website even pulled up and he looked at me and lied and said he didn't do it. After pulling it out him...I got the truth. It was the point that was hiding it from me and then he lied to my face about it. The very thing I told him my ex did. So...yeah...there are many reasons why I should have walked along time ago. As you can tell from all the crap that has gone on just between the two of us...bringing 6 yr twins in the middle just didn't work. If anything it is what made me finally throw in the towel. I often wonder what else he has lied to me about. I think once someone breaks that trust....it is so hard to ever look at them the same again. I hope that his kids though make it and don't suffer from all this.

One of the biggest mistakes I see people doing is thinking that they can change someone. I know people can change, but they have to do it on their own. You did the right thing and you deserve better. Good luck.

I feel bad for his kids, but the sad truth is that nobody can fix the situation for them if their parents aren't going to be good parents.

oh my there is way more to that than just the kids. he is immature plus dishonest. you made a good choice and he souldn't be coming over, to do what? to be at a computer? no thank you very much. good luck, move on and enjoy your life.

finedreams...I know I was confused why he came over to "spend" time with me when he ended up on the computer about 3/4 of the time. I think he is panicked because he now has 2 kids full time and needs help with taking care of them. Of course he tells me that is not true..that he loves me and doesn't want to keep me around just because he now has the kids. Maybe he thought by coming over I would just brush everything under the rug and carry on with the way things were. When he left I reminded him of a few things he needed to take with him...so I guess that was his answer.

He came over to get away from the kids;
Since dumping them on you didn't work, he dumped them on his mom.

Poor kids.

Poor mom.

You did the right thing.

I think at times he is pretty stressed by his own kids. Which I know that can be normal...Lord when my daughter was that age she tried me time and time again! He just lets a lot of things slide with them because I think it requires too much effort and energy to correct them. I've told him he is creating more problems for himself.