wild thing,

Why not call the office and ask what the counselor thinks you should do. I would follow their advice.

I also think you should see what the counselor thinks would be appropriate.

I've only met my SS's counselor one time. DH and BM go together most of the time and I would really not feel comfortable sitting in a session with the two of them.

One time, not too long ago, BM wanted me and my 6 year old DD to go for a session with SS, BM and DH. I said "over my dead body!" Thankfully, DH and the counselor both backed me up and said it was unneccessary.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and spent many hours in counselor's offices, rehab facilites for family meetings, etc. and I will be damned if I am going to have my 6 year old DD start the pattern over.

If you are a part of the child's life, you should at least meet the counselor. Whether it's on the first visit or not, I don't know but if it were me, I would go on the first visit. Well, looking back at SD's first counselor, I did not go to the very first meeting. I dropped SD off as it was our week with her. BM was already there (15 min. early) and DH came after he got off work, So BM was there alone with the counselor for 15 and with SD for 30 before DH got there. She met with BM first, then DH separately and then SD alone. DH and BM were in a heated custody battle and BM had coached SD to tell the counselor she wanted to live with BM and SD parroted everything BM told her, which used words/phrases a normal 7 year old would not say. The counselor saw through it of course and DH said BM was complaining about me doing 'mom' things with SD and the counselor told BM 'Why does that bother you? Would you rather your DD have a SM that is not nice to her?" It wasn't what BM wanted to hear and it was the only visit BM ever went to. I took SD to all remaining counseling sessions while DH was at work. BM did talk to the counselor on the phone a few times saying she wanted to set up a meeting with her & I to discuss resolving our issues. When the counselor called me to arrange it, I told her 'anytime' and the only issues at the time was BM finding fault in everything I do for her daughter.. nice things I do for her daughter. Of course, BM never showed up for the joint meeting, she made a lame excuse and never rescheduled. I guess my point is that it also depends on the players. Is the BM in your situation 'involved'? Will she be there at every session? Are there issues that involve you? Every situation is different so whether you go to counseling with, is an individual decision based on YOUR circumstances. I think it helps the counselor to at least meet everyone involved in the child's life.

If you are not comfortable in the same room with BM, the counselor will usually accommodate and I've seen them call in one parent at a time and if the counselor needs to see BM and BD together, then SM/SD can wait outside.

Lovehadley, I'm sorry your experiences were not good. I also grew up with an alcoholic mother. After her first DUI, she took me with her (as support I guess) to her court ordered AA class. When she tried to share, she broke down and cried and would not speak. That was the first time I can remember seeing my mom even try to talk about her feelings or being emotional. I believe she felt it was a sign of weakness to cry or share her feelings. When my dad married my SM, she would call her a mind F*cker because she was a psychology major and becoming a marriage & family therapist. My mom does not believe in counseling, therapy or psychology. She does not acknowledge my interest in it or that I have taken several courses and it was something that I shared with my SM. My point is that just because your experiences with counseling or rehab meetings was not good, your daughter may have a different outlook. I see it as a sign of weakness if you CAN'T cry, admit your problems or ask for help. My mom sees it as a sign of weakness if you do. I'm not saying who's right, just differences in our outlooks. I tell my children that it takes a strong person to ask for help, it takes a weak person to reach for self medication. When I have a problem I need help with, I go to counseling without a second thought. When I was younger, I would never have admitted that because I didn't want to be labeled or looked down on as having mental problems because I needed help. Of course, I no longer feel that way. Having depression does not make me abnormal. Pretending I never have any problems would.

BTW, I just talked to my 19 year old son that grew up without his dad and he told me that he felt he should start talking to a counselor. He told me that he probably should have started seeing one when he was a kid. I was taken aback because I never saw any of the usual signs (ie. behavioral problems) that it really bothered him.

"My point is that just because your experiences with counseling or rehab meetings was not good, your daughter may have a different outlook'

I'm not against counseling or therapy by any means. If my DD needs help with any issue (and, honestly, given the fact that her dad is absent from her life, I expect she might) I will gladly seek counseling for her. I think it can be extremely beneficial!

My reasoning for not wanting her to go to counseling was that BM felt my DD played a role in SS's *issues." I do think she had some valid points because I do think at times SS is jealous of my DD and the fact that she lives with HIS dad all the time, which he doesn't get to do. :( But I don't see how my DD going to counseling is going to "fix' any of that. At the age of 6, I just don't think a child can be held responsible for another child's problems. Thankfully, the counselor agreed with DH and me and told BM that family therapy was not necessary.

I've met with SS's counselor myself one time. I would go again with DH but BM has made it really clear she doesn't want me involved at all unless SHE is there to "hear what I'm saying." And I just won't put myself in that situation.

If it were me I would accompany DH and child to the first meeting. Your a part of his life.

DD went to counselling for some time, like around a year. But I have never met her counsellor (talked on the phone once or twice in regards to insurance and payments and scheduling only) and I didn't go to the sessions ever. I drove her to appointments, but didn't even go inside.

I always assumed that whatever is discussed is confidential (unless some health issues or suicide or somehting of the sort comes up)and unless counsellor asks to see the parents, I never thought I should go, I thought it was not my place. DD often shared what they talked about just because she is a pretty open type.

I am surprised that people think they need to go the sessions. maybe if a child is very young...

Is that a normal practice for parents to sit there? Or talk to a counsellor about what is discussed?

I think it depends on the type of counseling that's happening. So sometimes the counseling is just the counselor and the child, but other times it's also the adults or other family members, too. Sometimes, counselors aren't just working with one member of the family-- sometimes they're working on helping certain members of the family/the entire family to work together better.

My own experience is that it doesn't always work out the best way. I think when more people are involved, it may take a more skilled counselor than when there's just one person. But I do see a value in being open to being involved if that's what's called for. After all, a stepparent is a player in a kid's life, especially if the kid is living in the same house as the stepparent or has frequent visitation.

Besides, if the kid's behavior is such that counseling his being set up for her, she's probably not exhibiting the best behavior at home or with you, right? If you're asked to be involved and your being part of things can help step down whatever she's doing sooner, why wouldn't you want to be a part of it?

Why not call the office and ask what the counselor thinks you should do. I would follow their advice.

That's what I would do also.

I would also call the office but i would personally ask to meet the councilor myself before to present my views and keep it separate from dh and SD until the coucilor decides if or when or if you can join.
Usually councilors do meet up with the family members involved with the child. Not necessarly togehter at the same time.
So yah, calling is the best option and ask if you can meet him or her separate.

First, is this counsleor just for your sd, or is it intended to be family counseling? I arranged for counseling for my dd when her dad and I divorced. It was originally intended for her. I would take her, but the option was open for her Dad and SM to attend (even though they don't; they only call the counselor) if my dd or the counselor felt it necessary. Now that I am remarried and have stepchildren as well, we all go as needed. We both are the primary residential parent for our children, and my SC's mother does not even see her kids but once a year, if that. So she is not involved in their everyday lives, but is more than welcome to attend a meeting via phone if deemed necessary. As far as our counselor and we are concerned, our children's family is comprised of all of these people and all of us impact their lives one way or another. So in order to understand what the problem is, and find a solution to the problem; all imput is needed. It may not always be comfortable for everyone, but it is necessary for the mental health and well-being of our children. Just because someone is a step-parent, does not mean they have no impact on the child's life. Sometimes they have more impact than they realize, and more than the OP might like. But the issue is not what makes the parents comfortable, but what is going to be most beneficial for the child. If she wants you there, or counselor thinks you should be there; then for the sake of your family, I think you should go.

thanks for the input.
First, the counseling is for several issues.
Only one of which is her behavior with me and dh.
Her issues with me are a big deal, at least to me.
She takes out her anger towards her bm on me.
No, her bm will not be participating in the counseling. Not if dh has anything to say about it.
Her bm has not seen her in almost a year. She calls maybe once a month. She lives approx. 60 miles away.
Umm....some other issues are just stuff that she needs to get sorted out. Things that are somewhat related to being a teen, and some that are intertwined with other issues.
She just has lots of issues.
She is very immature for an almost 16 year old. More on level with a 12 year old in most aspects. Just really confused.

I did the counseling thing with my ss years ago when he was like 11 or so. Before he went back to live with his mom again. It was more like a family type counseling. A lot of the same issues that sd is having now. I have said before they are like one and the same but ss exhibited all his behaviors long ago, and sd is just delayed.
Which I had predicted she would do years ago, just by the very nature of their life with mom, and their personalities. SS was always more extroverted with emotions while sd was more introverted. She is way more manipulative than he was/is though. Which I didn't expect.