Hi Goldy,

Sometimes what I say does not come out right and people take offence. I know I must temper my speech.

I don't know exactly what you mean by this, but I have the feeling it could explain at least part of the problem you're having. Can you give us an example?

You've received some excellent advice above. I tried to think about the most recent friend I've made, and how we went from being acquaintances to friends. I met her at work, but our shifts overlap for only an hour, so it's not as though we spend a lot of time together. She's about 20 years younger (don't discount young friends--I have many of them), but we share an interest in writing. That was a good connection, but I would say two things made us close friends. One is that each of us was interested in the other. She would ask me about my life, and vice versa. The other is that we share a similar sense of humor.

Showing an interest in the other person was mentioned above. I think it's really important. Hopefully, the other person is doing the same thing, so you both get to share the experience.

Goldy, don't take it all onto yourself. There's a lot of strange ducks out there and not everyone has the best of motives. Just meeting people, talking to them and even getting together occasionally doesn't make for a friend, they're acquaintances. Real friendships take time to develop. You need to know each other more than a couple months to really become friends IMO. Perhaps your definition of a friend needs to be looked at.

Sadly there's all too many people with ulterior motives out there. I've had long time friends take advantage of me, some that tried to but I didn't let it happen and new acquaintances that showed their colors. When you have things people want, there's a lot of jealousy. Sometimes when people have quite a bit, they think they're better than others and deserve more. That's not the makings of a friend, that's childish and selfish.

From our past conversations and reading your posts Goldy, my suggestion is to just move carefully. You of all people will certainly find friends, and good ones. But don't rush into it.

Think of a friendship like a marriage. When people rush into either, sadness and disappointment often follow. Nobody likes a marriage to break up, well most people don't, and most people don't like friendships to break up either. But when you deal with selfish, lying, self-centered people, that's not good.

While it's easier to become friends with people having common interests, it doesn't take a common interest to stay friends. That's where respect and, yes, friendship come in. I have friends with whom I have opposite interests, opposite political opinions very different views on religion and more, but we're friends because we respect each other and treat others like friends. That does NOT mean that one has to give money, gifts or other to the other to stay friends.

Relax Goldy. Think through what it is you want. For instance, a person doesn't need a friend to have companionship, someone to talk to or the like. Going to a public place, library, community center, restaurant or the like can give you companionship, fun conversation and the like. If you need help with something around the house, you can hire someone, often cheaper than getting taken advantage of by a (non)"friend".

Just some thoughts to kick around.

I too think that you might be trying too hard, or maybe are expecting too much too soon, or you are being too hard on yourself.

Just because someone is friendly toward you, doesn't mean that they necessarily want, need, or have time to add a new friend to their life. Initially folks are merely friendly acquaintances. Many folks are not looking to make new friendships, or the friendships that require extra time other than what brought you together initially.

The last new friend I made, was a woman I saw weekly at an auction. We would visit a bit while we were there. She seemed very nice and she told me she had few friends anymore as most of her friends had died. She asked if I would be her friend, which kind of took me by surprise, but without giving it any thought at all I replied, "Sure."

As time went by, the auction closed but we would usually visit once a week by phone. She lives about 1/2 hour away.

After more time had passed, she asked me to do something with her, maybe go get a bite to eat, and browse some thrift stores, which we both enjoy. We then did that occasionally, or I would accompany her to the city to the Dr or something.

I discovered we both enjoyed gardening, so that gave us a lot in common. Our friendship progressed, and I now count her among my very best friends, someone I can trust, who is one of the most considerate, caring, and giving folks I have ever known. It certainly would have been my loss, had I not let her into my life and gotten to know her. I was very hesitant to get to know her initially, due to already having a very busy, chaotic life.

In my opinion, friendships, really good ones anyway, are far and few between. Friendly acquaintances are much more plentiful.

I have recently made friends with several nice folks with the IN Daffodil Society, yet we aren't in touch much socially other than Daff Society 'doins'. I do count them among my friends though and enjoy their company when we spend time together at meetings and other functions. They all live 1-2 hours away.

Sue

When I said sometimes "what I say comes out wrong"I have a habit of useing phrases that have a double meaning to some.If you happened to be in a low mood you will take what I say wrong.Also I want to address"CYNIC" she might have my answer.Her addvice is worth a million to me.Are you one of those doctors that probe the mine?All of you in someway have helped me.The sun is out and I feel better today.

I agree with Cynic, he usually comes up with the right answers.

Sue

Perhaps you need to start by being a friend to yourself, I am truly not trying to be judgemental, but sounds as if you are a bit negative...I believe being a happy person is a choice and decision we can make, I know this sounds very polly-anna, and I have been accused of this..but I have decided to do my best to be a happy person, I do believe we cannot always control what happends to us, but we can control how we are going to react..Find the things that do give you pleasure..and revel in them, usually these are the simple things in life, but learn to enjoy them, and then learn to enjoy your OWN company, treat yourself with respect, and with kindness...You may find then you will attract the kind of friends you want.. I wish you the best..

You say people are jealous of you and that you have more then most of these people? Maybe you make that too obvious. No one likes someone who shows off or talks about all that they have. If you do have more money or things then most people you don't have to talk about it.

It sounds like you need to be more careful what you say to people.

TO HAPPY LADY. I never said I spoke of my good fortune to anybody.If one has half a brain they know by the way you dress and what you drive and the vacations you take if you have a little extra cash.AM I SUPPOSED to play down my good fortune to make a friend?Sorry you feel that way but you gave me insite on how some people think.

Goldy, would you read back the post you wrote at 18:22? Now, remember that you did ask for help/advice/input into your problem. Understand that that is exactly what Happyladi did for you.. I believe she was trying to help you. I think your reaction to Happyladi was pretty defensive and even insulting. She said maybe you make "it" too obvious. The only reason she responded at all was to try to help you out, and you used that "large caps" style (yelling) and then sarcasm. If you're going to ask a question, you need to be prepared to listen to all input received and politely filter out (disregard) what you feel doesn't apply-especially when the issue you're raising is that you don't know why you can't keep friends! If this is how you respond to people when you ask for help, no wonder you have relationship problems. And I'm really not saying this to be mean, sometimes we have to face things that are difficult to accept.

I will admit that I'm grumpy tonight, but it irked me to see someone try to help you and see you slap her down for her trouble.

Well, who really knows - this is just an internet forum after all. But I would have to say I'm kind of thinking the same thing as susan_on. If your happy lady response is anything like your other communications with people it's a bit of a clue to me why you lose friends.

Ditto what Susan_on said......and I'm not grumpy tonight. In two hours, I'll start a ten-day vacation. It's not a paid vacation, but it's very welcome! :-)

I'm jumping in here because I feel that how much money you have, or don't have, shouldn't be an issue at all. Unless you make it an issue by your behavior, which you say you're not doing, your financial situation should have no bearing on whether or not you make friends.

After all, I'm sure you wouldn't say that rich people have no friends, would you? Nor would you say poor people have no friends. Just as I commented above that people in different age groups can be friends, so can people in different tax brackets. Trust me, my friends and I cover a broad spectrum of financial situations.

If you honestly feel that people have turned away from you because of your income, through no fault of your own, then you might give some thought to how you go about choosing potential friends, and choose differently.

Goldy, I was trying to help. And yes, sometimes the best thing to do is to play down your good fortune.

i know i shouldnt chime in here because i always get myself in trouble, but here goes. if you cant keep friends and are wondering why..youre reply to happyladi explains alot. she was trying to help, which you asked for, and you blasted her. IMHO, that was totally uncalled for. i have many aquaintences (sp) and very few people i would call true friends. ive been married to nobodies and to a millionare, my true friends didnt give a rats behind about the money or the status, we just cared about one another, and after 30 years we still do, weve been through ups and downs, the usual disagreements friends have, the love laughter, the kids they have, ant the grands they now have, weve been through it all..together... sounds like you have a problem thinking people are jealous of you. what makes you think that? im not trying to be mean just trying to understand. the KT is the best and if you ask for help you ARE going to get HONEST answers whether you like them or not. thats why we are here..to help. im sorry you feel so down on yourself..nobody should have to feel that way..so again we are here to help.

I guess it's time to end this thing.I'm sorry if I offended you.MY BAD,

If one has half a brain they know by the way you dress and what you drive and the vacations you take if you have a little extra cash.

I myself would never assume you were wealthy based on your dress, auto, or vacations. First I don't pay much attention to any of those things, even though my brain is fully functional (so far). And second many who like to "put on the dog" have huge credit card debt, instead of high bank accounts & investments. So, I'm wondering if you would presume that I were poor based on my casual (sometimes cheap, gasp!) dress, no high dollar new vehicle, and that I like to RV instead of stay in big fancy hotels in luxurious resorts? Do you exclude people as a potential friend based on your assumption they don't have "a little extra cash"? That would be faulty thinking, imo.

I think if you keep responding here we'll get a better picture of you & can help you focus on things that would help broaden your circle of friends. That is .... IF your query is sincere & IF you really want to change.

Hummm, I don't usually respond to posts like this, but your reply to happiladi is quite telling and made me immediately think it's how you speak to people that is the issue of your concern. Just remember, it's not what you say to people, it's how you say it.

I'm sorry you're having trouble making friends. Like many have said, friendships are not instant. They grow slowly. Take it slow when you meet people. I have read some of your old posts. It seems you drove a VW until it fell apart and then bought a Hyundai. You also have lived in an apt for 55 years. This makes me think that you don't flaunt wealth, so it must be something else. Good luck.

Just a thought to all--do people with similar personalities like Goldy really want to change? or do they want to blame others because they seem not to have friends? Why? Because I used to be that way, but have really tried to make some major changes in my live and I am a bit older that Goldy --almost 80 so yes you can change if you choose to. I am really trying but it is me that is doing it.

Marie, That is the conclusion I came to also.

Sometimes it is very hard to admit the truth, but it is something that can be worked on gradually and learn to build friendships. Throughout life, I have seen the importance of honesty in friendships.

A true friend is someone who you can count on, at any time.

Goldy I hope you are able to figure out the right path to friendship. Right here at the KT is a good place to start. Here you don't build a friendship with a single person, it's a group, so there is usually someone to fit each situation.

Stick around!

Could you have bad breath ?

Goldy, I sent you a GW email.

Cynic is so right. I have many acquaintances but few real friends.

Recently I was talking to my best friend about how people don't always "get" me. I tend to use sarcasm and I am quite happy to be by myself. I'm extremely open-minded and like to be around a variety of people. I've been told by others that I need to "change" because people perceive me as being aloof and worse because of my independent nature. There is no way I want to change who I am. I really like myself and if others can't handle it then it really is not my problem. It's theirs. That said it is human nature to second guess oneself when the sheeple get upset at your not fitting their agenda or need to have you validate them by being just like them. There is quite a mob mentality at work. Especially amongst women.

My friend reminded me that my very nature is what makes me a good and honorable person and a good friend. She said she would never want me to change.

Personally, I sometimes *like* to say things that can have more than one meaning. The response tells a lot about the person. If they automatically take offense, take it negatively, take it as a personal attack when it could also be a general commentary, it shows a lot. It's a good test at times.

The piling on wasn't needed but people also need to be able to take it. I can say I've known Goldy through this forum for a lot of years and the Goldy I know would never try to intentionally offend people. She's always been a kind, caring person. Anyone can have a bad day.

Goldy, glad your day was brighter. There's better days ahead. We all have bad days and sometimes we all let little things get to us when we shouldn't. Try to prevent that from happening to you. Go out and enjoy your day. Do something special for yourself. You know what you like. Maybe take a walk or a drive, or have a special meal or a treat, or rent a movie you've wanted to see, watch the sun set or call someone you haven't talked to for a while. You'll feel better. And that's what really matters anyway!

The response tells a lot about the person.

I can agree with that.

Goldy, on the offchance that you're still checking this thread, I, too, think it's unfortunate that you were beaten up several times for the same thing (above). After you were called on it once or twice I don't know why there was any need for more.

Anyway, do you have a friend or 2 that you could talk to? Could you ask them the question and be open to their input? Perhaps a heart to heart, with you admitting that it's a tough question for you to ask, would prompt them to give you some pointers or insight. You would hae to steele yourself for some things that you might not want to har, but at least you might get some answers and be able to moe forward in making more friends.

Suzieque

I just wanted to say that I wasn't necessarily talking about Goldy in my last post. I can see how it might have been confusing.

Goldy if you can accept someone who is honest,snarky,speaks sarcasm,is blunt.thick skinned and doesn't give a rat's patootie about what a person does or doesn't have in material items,fame or fortune I'm your gal. I would be happy to be your friend.

Goldy, everything Wildchild says about herself is true....but you can't find a better friend.

I said I was through with this because It seems I lost more friends at the table than I have lost in my life at home.I'm going back to riding my bike and dodging traffic.This will keep my mine off making friends or (enemies) and trying to stay alive.I really want to live to be 104 and I got 24years to go.If I make a friend along the way "good" if I don't it was not in the cards,but one sure thing I can rely on God will always be my friend.

If you want to live to a ripe old age without serious injury, do not mix biking with heavy rush hour traffic. Choose your route carefully.

Goldy,
I have had to ask myself your same question recently. I lost a friend of 15 years. She had severe OCD. I was trying to "help" her live a somewhat normal life. I guess I was way too overbearing and was not letting her live on her own terms. I meant well and truly tried to help her.
I too want to be a better person and that means reflecting on my mistakes.
You asked for advice on this forum. Some of the advice was hard to hear. Now your response is take your toys and go home. If you really want to look at yourself you have to be willing to read the difficult comments. It's not easy to look at yourself and admit you have flaws. Unless you are willing to do just that, your life will never improve.
Donna

My mother was so funny and so bright and upbeat and people loved being around her, but she chose to only nourish and develop one close friendship with one person. She had other "acquaintances" but only that one friend. Plus, she was very close to her four children. She was a happy, satisfied, peaceful woman.

They say you can't get everything you need from one person, but I have my children, my husband, my dog and a couple buddies. That's enough for me.

Goldy, have you had a physical check-up lately? Feeling 'friendless' is akin to feeling depressed. Our brains change along with our bodies as we age; your doctor might prescribe some medications and refer you to someone for talk therapy.

To live long -- and well -- you need to be flexible in both your body and your thinking. Posting here is a good start at looking at the 'thinking' part!

Goldy, I don't think you lost friends here. You've interpreted it that way, though. People were trying to answer your question (sometimes a little rough, but still trying to answer what you asked).

I wish you peace and health.

Suzieque

I am late to the "party", but I just wanted to say
I am sorry you are feeling so down. But, you have
gotten a lot of great advice - when you let yourself
hear it, I think.

I wasn't sure at first, if this was another planted
question post, but assume it is not?

On the other hand, you used the teeny bopper/rapper
phrase, "My Bad". That would turn me off, I can
tell you for sure, if that is the type of slang you
use frequently. This to me is just
more of the entitled generation's thinking. But, as
usual - just MHO.

I do wish you some cheer though.

Yes, Goldy, everyone here just wants to help. I think it's cool that you are still riding your bike at age 84! I hope I'm still doing that at your age.

Can I ask if you have always had problems keeping friends or is this a more recent problem?

Now why did happyladi's question send me into a fit of giggles...

I'm 80 not 84 .At my age my good friends have all died.Your question is this something new or just start happening?I have always had this problem of meeting and keeping friends because I seemed to meet people who have different ideas of what a good friend is.They usually end up by trying to use me at some point and I get wind of it by some six sense.I don't use people and I refuse to be used by anyone.A person can only be used if you let them.I worked hard all my life and will not be taken in.So they drop me or I drop them.How many real friends does a person really have?

How many friends does a person "need"? I have friends, but I'm not sure that I care if I do or not :o)

Hmmm...Has anyone ever actually used you, or has your sixth sense always found them out before they could?

Hmmm...Has anyone ever actually used you, or has your sixth sense always found them out before they could?

How many "real" friends?
I'll tell ya, Goldy... I have many acquaintances, but only a handful of "real" friends. And, I'm OK with that.

Goldy, what kinds of traits are you looking for in a friend? And what traits do you offer friends?

I look for things like loyalty, maturity, a track record of being "grounded" and most of all, a sense of humour. I do my best to offer all those same things back. I'm also very tolerant of eccentricities in other people.

Interesting how life is reflected here on this thread. It's reassuring to know that people tend to be pretty consistent.

Goldy, do you post here regularly - offering words of encouragement to folks, joining in the senseless banter, dropping in just to say "hi"? These are all social skills that are crucial for developing relationships. I'd encourage you to test those types of things out for yourself here if you don't already to them. See how it is received.

I just wanted to say that I wasn't necessarily talking about Goldy in my last post. I can see how it might have been confusing.

Maybe it'd be better to be a little more forthright than confuse with a cheap shot?

Hmmm...one of my first thoughts after reading your post about feeling "used" is that being used IS part of a friendship. It's a true friendship if both of you are used and users. For example, my DH's best friend called him yesterday and discussed at length family problems. When he got through he thanked Twinkie for listening to him. Twinkie told him that that was what he was here for. He also told him, "You can bet when I have something I need to discuss I'll call you and bend your ear!" His friend's reply? "My feelings would be hurt if you didn't!"

One of my best friend's husbands doesn't have any close friends. She says it's because he isn't willing to put out the time involved in making and keeping a true friend and we both agree that it does sometimes involve doing things that you don't particularly want to do or doing them at a bad time for you, etc. In turn? That friend does the same type of things for you.

That's not to say that I think that you are a "user". I don't even know you. It's just that, like a marriage, a true friendship has to have a lot of give and take in it.

Good luck to you Goldy. I hope you find just the right kind of friends that you need!

"I just wanted to say that I wasn't necessarily talking about Goldy in my last post. I can see how it might have been confusing.
Maybe it'd be better to be a little more forthright than confuse with a cheap shot?"

First I was confused, and then I chuckled. It's just common sense and I agreed with you. The response tells a lot about a person. For crying out loud... I agreed with you...lol. Can we get this back to Goldy?

Also laughing at myself because I can't seem to turn my italics off!! LOL!

OK, just put the /i between the brackets at the end to turn off the italics.

And if I misunderstood, I apologize.

My Dad told me when I was a teenager "That you would be lucky to count your true friends on one hand". No truer words were ever spoken.

Goldy..exactly what do you expect in a friend? I've never picked a person and said...Hmm..I want to be friends with her. When I meet someone, I start out trying to BE a friend. I'm the kind of person that will start up a conversation standing in line at Walmart (instead of getting in a snit that I'm having to stand in line). If I'm talking,the time I'm waiting doesn't seem that important.
My MIL (age 85) is one of my BEST friends..and she has more friends (of all ages) than I ever thought about having. I think the reason for that is she can and does find good in everyone.

I start out accepting people where they are. As we get to know each other, we may not "click" for whatever reason(s) and become bosom buddies..and that's OK. I've made friends with people that I never would have dreamed I would be friends with. For instance,my neighbors. They moved in a little over a year ago. Only a blind person would not have known they were gay! We started out chatting over the fence, that progress to visiting back and forth. As I got to know them..I liked them and we have become very good friends. I don't judge them..they don't judge me! The only part of their lives that concerns me..is what kind of neighbors they are and they've past that test! lol

I have a feeling if you and I lived closer together...we'd be good friends!*S* (((((Goldy)))))