Well, Jen, consider yourself lucky that you actually love her! Most of us wish we could simply LIKE our husbands' ex's ... or, for that matter, tolerate them. (Giggles) I could not EVER see myself sharing and caring with my hubby's ex. Were totally different in every possible way you could imagine.

I understand your confusion. You're not "supposed" to care about her, but you do. But guess what? Each family makes their own rules, and I'd say you're better off than most. Good for you!

When I read your post, I thought of a website I visited probably a year ago. The website was put together by two women  current wife and ex-wife  who actually are friends. I did a search and found it again for you. ItÂs www.bonusfamilies.com, and these ladies have been featured on Oprah. Take a peek  maybe you will find something that will resonate with you.

Just remember that itÂs OK to get along with her, and itÂs even OK to be friends. Lucky you!

It is amazing what we will do for our children If I was unable to give them all that I feel they need, physically, emotionally or what ever I would be so grateful to find someone who could. On some level she knows that she cant give the children the best that they deserve. . She probably likes your personality and loves you because you are giving the children what they need and deserve. You love her because of her inability, it gives you the opportunity to be in a position that you are so happy, an adoring husband with two beautify children.

I must be missing something. The problem is you get along too well with Marie and would probably be friends if you met under different circumstances? Exactly why is that a bad thing?

Sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like you are already friends to me. Fortunately, I don't think it is a mortal sin. :)

"a person that logic dictates you should never love" - Huh? Current societal norms dictate that you won't be friends, but that isn't based on logic, it is pain, fear and jealousy driving that idea. Logic dictates that you will do everything in your power to promote a healthy and loving relationship with the woman who brought into this world some of the individuals you cherish most. The fact that such a relationship may be possible is a blessing not a curse.

As for boundaries on a friendship, that is up to you to decide. We create certain boundaries on all our relationships depending on the individuals involved. Love isn't an all or nothing proposition. I'm sure all of us have people we love but are never going to discuss our marriages with. I bet there is at least one person here who would never talk about money even with their closest friend. Those boundaries don't diminish the love we have for our friends, they just show respect for people's privacy and wishes.

BTW - It is good that you are coming to grips with the love-hate combination. Before you know it, your little angels will be teenagers and will spend about 5 years loving and hating you at the same time. :)

Jennifer,
Stop spending so much time thinking about this. You are friends and that is great. You probably are a little jelous because she used to be married to your guy. Forget it. Be friends. It will be easier for all in the long run.

I don't see this as a curse.....it is certainly a blessing...BUT, the complexity of the relationship is what ails me. I wasn't complaining in my post. I'd give D the ring back if I was complaining. I'm merely stating how confusing it can be.....and how interesting it actually is.
I'm pretty happy that things are the way they are... But it's just weird. The night I wrote that, I had some pretty decent feelings for Marie.. Today as I write this, I want to hit her over the head, as she dropped off filthy kids this morning.....who had bad manners and were out of control! I think the hard part for me here, is that I DON'T create boundaries in any of my relationships/friendships. Of course, if it was professional, maybe I would....but I am generally an open person...And for me, love IS an all or nothing proposition. And if you can't discuss money with your closest friend, then in my opinion, the person is not your closest friend. So this is new for me... Loving someone and being a friend to someone, but with boundaries. And throw in the element of not liking the things she does, and not being able to say it, and you get some confusion. Inconistency, no matter where it comes from, is hard to deal with.
Everyone in a step-family situation has something they can't make it past......something that takes them time to move on from. I know many SM's who can't make it past the children's treatment, or the enormous amount of alimony and child support that goes out the window...... For me, it's her and learning what to do with her. Simply telling me to stop, does nothing. It's going to take time for me to not think of her and obsess over it. I hope you all can be patient with that.

I don't believe for a second that you share everything with your friends and they share everything with you. Nothing is off limits and nothing is out of bounds? You have no private thoughts or activities? You never hold anything back? You never give an opinion that is a little nicer that what you really are thinking? That just isn't possible. There might be a lot of space in between, but somewhere or another there are boundaries. There are rules of how you will interact even if you never conciously sat down and created them.

The Ex might present a more complicated relationship, but it isn't fundamentally different. I'm sure it will be more challenging, but I have the utmost confidence in your ability to build it. I just think that being able to recognize and accept the imperfections and limitations in even the happiest and healthiest of relationships will give you a fresh perspective as you try to form a more complicated one.

Jennifer: I also look at my friendships as an all or nothing. The only exception is at work. Some people I work with are just work relationships for various reasons, but the others are 100%. Sometimes I think maybe I share too much information (I do have some things I don't share with anyone), but that is how I am and I have a hard time acting any different. I tell it like it is and really prefer that people treat me the same way. I am an adult and I can take it. I get frustrated when I find out that people don't tell me like it is and pretended that all was OK or that they liked something. I also will give you the shirt off my back until you turn on me and then it is over. I have been walked on too many times in the past and now I have just don't let it happen.

I think being friendly with the kids mother is a good thing. For you, your DH and the kids, but it is hard when they really are on a different page. They are her kids, but you are also raising them so you also have a say in their lives, but you are almost never going to agree on how that should be accomplished. She also seems to be taking advantage of you. She brings the kids over dirty because she knows you will clean them up and being you are friends, she probably doesn't do it intentionally to irritate you, but just knows that you will take care of it.

Sometimes I wish I could be friends with my SK biomom because it would make it easier to handle some of the situations with the kids. But, she lies so much that you cannot believe a word she says and she is so selfish that it just irritates the he** out of me. My husband cannot even stand to be in the same room with her. He only talks to her on the phone when he has to. She is definately reaping what she sowed. I am lucky that I can talk to my ex about my boys and we can have very fair discussions. We try and keep our spending equal as well. I had this written right in the divorce agreement, 50/50 when it comes to activities, clothing, college education, etc. Yes, this could have backfired, but I was willing to take the risk for the sake of the boys. I don't always like the things he allows the boys to do, but I just remind myself that I cannot control what goes on in his house and he cannot control what goes on in mine and hopefully when the boys are raising their own families, they will remember the different ways they were raised and choose the one that is best for their kids.

So I guess, what I am trying to say is, continue to be friends with her, but just remind yourself that this one has to have limits in order for you to maintain your individual household. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and I give you alot of credit for what you are undertaking. It is not easy, but you have definately taken the high road and in the end, the kids will be better for it.
Good Luck

I've also noticed that since we announced the engagement to her a month ago she's changed. It's become more of a priority for her to be there for the kids. All of a sudden 5 days is too long for them to be without her, when in the past 5 days wasn't enough time away! D and I think she may be feeling a little insecure with the marriage aspect of things.....feels a little left out and wants to protect her children's love. Either that or we are imagining things. But it seems when we get the kids back-they're very distant. We turn them around after a day of being here and then they go back to her and misbehave, cry, treat her like crap for the day and then they are fine. The transitions have been tough on SD. She is clinging to her Mother more than ever and having trouble transitioning to us.... Marie is allowing the clinginess and being emotional with her daughter-which doesn't help... But anyway, to make a long story short, I wanted to get your opinion on something....
If your step-child was having trouble transitioning to your home when their mother is dropping them off, what do you think is the mother's role? Should she sit there and whine with the daughter and make it that much harder for the child to detach? Or should the mother be strong for the daughter and tell her that she loves her and will miss her but it is her time to be with her Father........and just leave??? I think Marie and her guilt at being a workaholic makes her let the kids get away with things. I think my SD needs to be comforted, but she also needs to be encouraged to be strong. You can do this! You will be fine! You are a big girl! When our children are weak, they look to us to be strong for them. If we are weak, then they have no hope....how can they feel safe if we show them we don't feel safe either? Oh guys, I know I talk about her too much...but I just disagree with everything she does.....and I know I can't change her...... I told her this today though. We were emailing on schedule things and I said these very things to her.....I even asked her if she was feeling left out because of the wedding stuff.... We shall see what she says.. BTW, We always chat like this.......so the email was not abnormal...we have the ability to discuss certain things. Plus, D had a long talk with her over the phone Sat about being stronger for the kids.....and she agreed and acknowledged that she is weak. But how the hell are we going to get her to be strong?

I don't know if it is specifically a step-issue because I think this behavior is pretty common from parents nowadays. This comes up VERY often in elemetary schools, daycare, the toy store etc. Parents don't want to be the cold, heartless badguy so they cave to the childs every whim. The parent feels like the goodguy but it isn't in the best interest of the child. If it weren't so sad, it would be commical to watch a 6 yr old completely manipulate an adult.

How do you make her stand up and be a responsible parent? I wish I knew. It sounds like you are doing all you can to encourage her to take the right path, but you can't make someone be strong.

If you haven't thought of this already, make sure the kids are organized and ready to go before transition times. You don't want excuses to draw out goodbyes. You want a routine for an orderly transition kinda like kids have in school. You don't just let a bunch of kids take off for gymclass, you get their supplies, line them all up and march in formation. Anything you can do with the ex to provide structure during transitions will make it much easier on the kids in the longrun. It is bad enough when they have one set of rules for your home and another set for hers, no need to have a no-mans-land in the middle.

Jennifer, I have a theory about what may be happening. See what you think.

A psychologist told me that there are predictable "blips" on the radar screen after divorce. One is when one of the ex-partners gets remarried, another is when a new baby comes along. She told me that, generally, it doesn't matter how long you've been divorced or how well you get along now -- and that these events will usually be accompanied by some sort of upheaval or turmoil.

So, I am guessing that perhaps she is having some feelings she doesn't understand since you announced your engagement. She may be reaching out to her kids for comfort and support -- she may even feel that she will be replaced by you. Her kids, in turn, are feeling on top of the world at this new attention from Mommy. And that can result in the kids being more unruly when they are with you and in them wanting MORE attention from Mommy, hence the long, drawn out and emotional good-byes. They are afraid that the next time they see Mommy, all this longed-for attention will be gone.

I would suggest that you just ride with the tide. Things will settle back down. You are creating a new permanent family situation which needs to be digested and accepted by the ex and by the kids. Now they know for sure that you are not going away and that Mommy and Daddy will not get back together. Understand that this is a new concept for everyone except you and your sweetie!

So Marie emailed me back... Something that I certainly was not expecting........let's see what you guys think....

-I know you are only trying to help and didn't mean anything by your comments below and that we agreed to be very open with each other, but I have to tell you that getting unsolicited advice from you on how to parent is annoying and frustrating to me - even if the advice is right on.
I would just ask in the future, to feel free to give your advice if I ask for it and to always feel free to share with me the kids behaviors, how you guys are dealing with them, your thoughts on what you think is causing their behavior, but stop just short of what you think I should do. Maybe
I should be strong enough to handle this, but at least for now, I'm not.

-Of course if you guys need to ask me to consider doing something differently to support something you are trying with them, I am fine with that. Like when D called me to suggest he just take Samantha from me if she is being clingy - I understand that we need to have conversations
like that. I think that worked better because it was a phone call, it was framed in a scenario of how it is impacting or will help you guys and D
did a good job of making it a discussion.

-I am reacting to your comment about how I shouldn't allow her in bed with me. Even though you may be right, I will always allow my kids in bed with me for various reasons and that may be different from you guys. You don't
know the context of how it happened to suggest I was aiding in her fears by doing so and I take offense to that.

-Any way, I don't want to make a big issue out of this, I want to move past this, but wanted you to understand where I am coming from and would appreciate you trying to be more sensitive to offering me parenting advice with my own kids.

THIS WAS HER RESPONSE TO D AND I ASKING IF EVERYTHING WAS OKAY WITH THE MARRIAGE AND THE KIDS ETC.

-Not sure how to respond to this. Of course I always believe I make my kids a priority. Sometimes there is less going on in my life than other times and it might make more time for me to be with them. I have no issue with you and D marrying nor do I worry about what you might be saying
to the kids. Even if I did think you were trying to "steal my family" I trust that they know I am and will always be their Mother and even if they may get confused about some things now, I know it won't stay that way.

sigh... I learned something yesterday. I think Marie has a lot to be jealous and insecure about..... It's been said in here that I am jealous and insecure about her as well. That would be true. Just as I have issues with her, she's got them with me too. I doubt she spends half her time worrying about them like I do though. But it helps to know that she has trouble too. While her emails are matter of fact and she wants to come off as a stronger person who is secure with things, I can read between the lines and tell she is not. And the complexity of everything is never really going to change. It's always going to make things awkward and sensitive and challenging. I really should just let it go and not put so much emphasis on it. And I will be working on that here with everyone's help!!! That's my goal!
On the flipside I do need to say that her first email offended me also. It's okay for her to dump them on me all the time and it's ok that when the kids go to camp she has to call me to ask me what the schedule is and if they need their swimsuits.......and when they are ill and can't go to school, it's all right to drop them off here and go off to work without a thought.........BUT it is not okay for me to make a suggestion for the benefit of the children we have in common? Am I just some Joe on the corner who is a stranger to these children? I get it.....it's hard to hear from the strong step-mother that you may be failing your daughter.....but it shouldn't be personal...it's about the kids!!!!!! WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!! NOT WHAT IS PERSONAL TO US!!!!!!! It's her issue....not mine!!! Well, I didn't respond to the email......received it yesterday morning....not sure what the heck to say. I realized if I responded with my rant above, that it would cause another back and forth... I recognize that it is her issue. Maybe I should have avoided it......maybe I should have approached it in a more sensitive way....I thought I had. She does say that she should be stronger than this, but cannot. That tells me it is her issue. Perhaps I should just email back and say I understand and leave it at that. What do you think??

Ok Jennifer,
you asked for what we thought and I am going to give to tell you. First thing - All dealings with his ex and his family should be addressed to them by him. Stay out of it. If you were my daughter I would beg you to not get married and find a man your age and with no children like yourself. This is to much crap to deal with and you dont have to deal with it.
This is a MAJOR issue that should be worked out before you are married. You mentioned that she dumps them on you. She should be dumping them on their father. You are making me think that you are their full time babysitter for the mother and the father. If I were her and you where emailing me advice on MY KIDS I would tell you to mind your own business. Now I realize you are raising them and all that but, it doesnt matter she is there mother. Alot of this sounds like what I was dealing with and it is the reason we are not together today. She was the mother, he was the father and I was raising their kids. Please dont take offense to this because I am just being honest. It sounds exactly like how it was for me.

I'm not offended Brit... However, I just want constructive advice on how to deal with things. I'm happy where I am....I love D......I'm going to marry him... And that's that. I get what you're saying...heard it a million times from millions of people who care. But it's not the help I'm looking for. Thanks for trying though. :)

I'd take the ex at her word and not try to read between the lines. Unsolicited parenting advice is rarely appreciated - especially from "the new wife." If there is a faster way to get on a woman's bad side than criticizing how she raises her kids, I have yet to find it. Your original post about the e-mail seemed to be addressing a specific behavior that you were trying to get under control. From the ex's response, you seem to have sent her a laundry list of everything that was wrong with her and her parenting. If that is the case, I think her response was very reserved. I would have been absolutly steaming if I were in her place.

I would back off and apologize before you make things worse.

Was hardly a laundry list. In my former post, I presented the email to her as if it was just mentioning or suggesting a change......as Bill said, it was about a specific behavior that I was trying to get under control. However, because of her extreme insecurities, she didn't interpret it that way. She made it seem like a laundry list. There also is no fighting going on here..... Things are peaceful...I've talked to her and seen her since and things are fine.....so there is nothing that can be made worse here. I just need to respond to the woman or decide not to. Sometimes I think you guys overeact to things. She and I are not at a war here....so please stop thinking of it as such. It was a misunderstanding due to sensitive topics. There's nothing that can be made worse....this is normal discussion!! I also did not include my email to her nor the one she sent prior to my response. Would you like to see that so you can get a better idea of things? I don't think I sent a laundry list Bill and her email before asked me what I think......so I told her!!

-Crazy about Samantha. I'm concerned about her. Some of these things are alarming. Nighmares and crying like this shows me that she's having trouble with something. It may be her way of dealing with things....and girls are more emotional. So this is her version of Joshy's anger perhaps??? No movies with mice here.....Josh plays a computer game, Stuart Little, but they haven't watched a movie here in ages and you don't even see Stuart in the
game. I think she is having trouble with the inconsistent parts of her life...not staying in the same place, having her parents in different places, having a step-mother, different homes, different rules, different philosophies...and change all the time....so much change. I'm sure that's what she is afraid of....and then to have a nightmare, just makes her feel more insecure. I don't know what to suggest for her...She just needs to be reassured that she is loved and safe I guess. However, to be frank, I think allowing her to lay in bed with you, and showing any emotion over her fears will cause her to feel there really IS something to fear. When she cries in bed here she always wants to know if I am crying...if I am, she cries more, if I
don't, she stops. When she gets that way here, we hug her, tell her we love and that she is safe and that she needs to go to sleep now. I think if we were to show any concern over it, or allow her to get out of bed and sleep with us, it would confirm for her that there is a reason she should
feel unsafe. That's just my opinion and D's and believe me, it's not easy to do, but probably what is best for her. She needs us to be strong when she cannot be. Josh has also been saying a lot about being so good lately...he's been saying he has no problems and likes going back and
forth. D and I are doing a lot of praise of him for that....which is making Samantha want to do that here. We don't want to lose sight of the fact that he is doing so well. And we want to catch Sam up to him somehow. It will
take her longer, since she is younger....but it's hard for her to have all the change. I wonder sometimes what we could do to not make there be so many schedule changes and back and forth things. Obviously you don't want to live
with D and I! LOL!

The rest is small talk and regular things we email back and forth.

As I understood your original problem, your SD was having a hard time going from her house to yours. I consider that a very specific problem. It also seems like something valid that you would want to address with BM. Suggesting concrete steps that you should take during and directly before those transition times is fair game.

However, I don't think you stuck to that topic. In your mind, the kids behavior is linked to their BM letting them in her bed and reacting to their fears. You might be right (but lots of psychologists would disagree with you) but it isn't any of your business. Telling her that her parenting practices are the root of her kids problems is basically a slap in the face. You basically blamed her for the kids nightmares and social problems and told her she was being selfish and weak. That might not be what you meant to do, but that is how I would interpret your e-mail and it sounds like BM took it the same way. It might not be a war now, but I would drop it before you start one. Big conflicts usually start as small misunderstandings.

I'm not sure how to word this, so I'm just going to plow ahead and hopefully it makes sense. Jennifer, you sound like a guy (I know you aren't) who is having a hard time understanding his wife/girlfriend. I just get the same feeling as when a guy tells his friend that he is doing everything right and everything his wife asks of him and she is just taking everything wrong. Usually the problem is that he is trying to "fix" a problem for her instead of just listening and talking about it. He is offering his solution when the women isn't looking someone to tell her what to do. Does that make sense? To me, it sounds like BM is willing to let you flesh out the problems with her, but doesn't want you to tell her how she should solve them on her end.

Only for the past 100 years, in industrial societies like ours have children been forced to sleep in beds by them self. Non-industrial societies and prior to 100 years ago ... beds were shared by various family members. Different children mature at different rates and become ready to sleep alone at different ages. Over the past 100 years in our society we have had a significate increase in sleeping disorders. Many experts relate this to young children being forced to sleep alone in their own bed, perhaps even crying themselve to sleep.

No, I am not an extreemist who has just one big family bed. However, I do not hesitated to sleep with them, especially when they are having a hard time.

Just food for thought ...

Hey Betty,
When a child has had a bad dream, they seek out the safety and security of snuggling in bed with Mom and/or Dad. That is a typical thing every parent deals with...and I understand that. But there is another school of thought out there, and the one that their father and I believe in, that those who follow this practice routinely may be causing their children more harm than good. It's ok to do it from time to time...(I allow them to lay with me in the middle of the night, but take them back) but it needs to be done on a limited basis because it's possible for that child to develop a dependency on such a routine. Children who co-sleep, or regularly sleep side-by-side with their moms and dads, could face fears of detachment when it comes time to sleep in their own bed or even get dropped off at school in the morning. Having their own bed helps kids become independent. It's a healthy way for them to disconnect from their parents and function on their own. Not only that, talk about a way to ruin a marriage...or at least complicate things. Sometimes bedtime is the only time parents get to be together. It's just not a time or place for the kids to be often.
What it all comes down to is just a matter of opinion. However, there should be a common-sense approach to co-sleeping if a parent wants to do it...and it should apply to single parents too. There's a difference between playing in bed with your child on a Saturday morning or letting then lay with you for a little bit or sleep overnight after a bad dream and making it a weekday ritual. Bio-Mom does it every time there is a problem. Sometimes every night that they are there. I think that's way too much...and contributes to the problems that Sam has when she needs to let go. It seems that Marie is allowing her to sleep with her more and now Sam can't even go into her preschool without clinging,something she has never done before. When Sam goes to bed here, she smiles, giggles and says "I'm scared and need to sleep with you." We kiss her and tell her we love her, rub her back and we all laugh. She knows it doesn't work here....From this, I get the sense that she does it with her Mom because it works. And that there really is no need for her to be doing it. But, I understand that it can provide comfort to a child, but if given too much, it doesn't allow the child to hold their own. I want independent, strong kids...not big whiney babies who can't do anything by themselves.
Yes, Bill, Marie wants to ask us what she should do, but doesn't really want us to tell her. It's pretty hard to figure things out. And we have been SOOOOOO open about other things...this just really confused me. I have also given my opinions in the past....maybe she is more sensitive to them now that I am marrying her ex. I see your point that I shouldn't have gone there and her reaction to things may be justified. However, I think it is her own issues and sensitivity that causes her to react that way. It's her problem, not mine. In the future, I will make my suggestions in a more sensitive way. D and I have also agreed that when we feel the need to suggest what she should do, we will do it together or have him do it. Just a day before, he approached her on the same topic and handled it in a similar way and she was okay with it. It's just harder for her when it comes from me...because of many different factors, mainly that she is insecure and knows that I am better at a lot of things. She relies on the fact that she is their Mom....that's what helps her...but at the same time, I know she feels inferior. But the next time she asks me what I think.......I'm going to write her back and say, Are you sure you really want to know?

I'm no fan of the co-sleeping either, but I think you have to let this go.... at least for now. If SD has no trouble sleeping on her own at your house, that is pretty good evidence that she is not sustaining some sort of crippling problem from sleeping with BM. Historically, there is no evidence that sleeping in the same bed leads to "big whinie babies that can't do anything for themselves." Kids are smart. They can differentiate one situation from another. When getting dropped off at school, they may try the tricks that get them attention at home, but they won't keep doing it indefinitely if it never works. With guidance, they will quickly learn new behaviors more appropriate for the situation.

"Children who co-sleep, or regularly sleep side-by-side with their moms and dads, could face fears of detachment when it comes time to sleep in their own bed or even get dropped off at school in the morning. Having their own bed helps kids become independent. It's a healthy way for them to disconnect from their parents and function on their own."

With more and more research - this is being found to be false. My oldest, (Five year old) is so independent she past all the IQ and social tests to enter Kindergarten a year early. I placed her in an advance placement pre-school program instead.

"Not only that, talk about a way to ruin a marriage...or at least complicate things. Sometimes bedtime is the only time parents get to be together."

It can actually enhance you se# life ... Come up with alternate places and positions ... uh-la-la :)

Maybe BOI-MOM is a little more knowledgeable about some of the latest and newest sleep research and disagrees with the two of you. It is amazing at how strongly some people are against or even appalled by co-sleeping.

Or maybe bio-mom is conflicted herself about co-sleeping because of social pressures and stigmas vs. what her instincts are telling her.

My advice to you ... dot push this subject with her.

More food for thought ... you ever so infrequent hear about a child being rolled over on and being killed in a co-sleeping arrangement - usually drugs/alcholal are involved. Significantly more frequent you hear about child dying of crib death (Alone in a bed). Have you ever heard of a child dying of crib death while co-sleeping?

Here's my two cents. I do not believe in co-sleeping. I agree with Jennifer that many times this is the only time a man and wife can be alone. Personally, I cherish this much needed and rare time alone with my hubby, talking ... catching up ... or whatever! :-) That's not to say that our little one never sleeps with us; occasionally she does but mostly she gets brought back to her own bed. I find that the more you allow them into your bed, the more they want it. Call me selfish if you will, but I refuse to give up the little time alone we have. We spend our days and our evenings devoted to and loving our kids -- bedtime is OUR TIME. And finding another place for extra cirricular activities ... ha! We have FOUR kids in our house. Not gonna happen. Jeez, I wouldn't want to be in the kitchen and have a sleep walking kid traumatized!! *snicker*

I still stand by my original idea tht bio-mom is having some feelings she doesn't understand due to your upcoming marriage and is reaching out to her kids as a salve. I think she is confused! Jennifer, let it slide and go with the flow. Kids are amazingly adaptable. I found a long time ago that my SD fully understands that there are different rules for each house, and that's OK.

Jennifer: When I divorced, my husband had my boys sleep with him every night. I don't think it was because they needed it (they were 11 & 6) it was because he needed it. When the boys were with me, they slept in their own beds. There was never a question. They slept in their own beds when we were married, why should that change with the divorce. I tried to treat them as if nothing was different (besides their Dad not living with us). All the rules were the same as they had always been. Their Dad and his parents babied them for quite awhile. I was certainly there to comfort them if they needed it, but otherwise, I wanted them to see that everything was going to be OK. I wasn't falling apart and they wouldn't either. As Mom 2 4 said, kids are very resilent. They can adapt to the different rules in each household. As long as they feel loved in your household, everything will be fine. Kids will get away with what they can. Maybe she senses that Mom needs her, so she plays as if she needs to sleep with Mom. As you see, she does just fine at your house, no dependencies as with her bio-mom. My SD acts the same way with her bio-mom and SD is 19. It is because bio-mom asks for it. It is definately an insecurity. You are doing the right thing, don't let Marie bother you so much. Be confident in your ability to raise those kids, they will appreciate it when they are older. Good Luck

So I took the high road..the one less traveled. Makes me nuts that I have to do that sometimes.....but I recongize the need for it.. I wrote Marie back....finally.

My reply:
I got your email on Friday. I just took some time to think. I honestly wasn't expecting your response. In retrospect, I probably should have taken a different approach and perhaps been more sensitive in how I went about it. I just assumed you would be okay with it and I thought I wrote it in a way that wouldn't be interpreted any other way but positively.. Hence, why emails are usually not a good thing in these situations and something I haven't quite grasped yet.. :) Anyway, I'm glad you see that I had good intentions and wanted to help Samantha. I just assumed wrong, it is obviously a sensitive area, and rightly so,.....and I'm really sorry you were offended.
I would like to move on from it too....and I don't want it to impact our ability to continue talking about the kids. It's important that we are able to do that. It's the best way to make sure they are okay. Thanks for communicating with me on this...

Her response:
Thanks for not over-reacting to my response. I was starting to get a little nervous that I hadn't heard from you yet on it. I'm glad we are in agreement to move forward and that we won't stop communicating either.

I don't want to let this go on and on and on. There was so much more I wanted to say....but what good would it do? I think on some level she realizes she over-reacted a bit...and she knows that it is her issue.... But I took some time to think about it-I put myself in her shoes and I wouldn't want me telling her what to do either. As a SMother, I hate it when my Mom tries to tell me what to do with the kids.....the difference is that there is no competetion between my Mom and I.....no, what's the word????? But, I see where she would be sensitive. Do I think she should be a lot tougher than this? HELL YEAH! She even said herself she should be stronger than this...But it is what it is.
Thanks everyone for your words.....even the ones I hated!! I feel like I am starting to get better at thinking of things as being separate. It's just not easy to share kids with someone, especially someone who raises them lightyears away from your own way of doing it! I only hope the kids will turn out okay.....it must be so hard having these two worlds to live in.

Good job! I'm sure it wasn't easy, but I think you did the right thing.