I believe the invitation should be acknowledged--with a "Congratulations on Your Graduation" card, signed "Love, Aunt DJ". If there is an "RSVP", respond that you are unable to attend. There should not a check or gift; the card is plenty under the circumstances.

This response applies to you also, if you get an invitation.

How does your sister - the one who is your nephew's grandmother - feel about this? Will it hurt her if you don't go to the party? (I'm presuming that it was a party to which you were invited.)

I would be inclined to support that sister in whatever way you can. If she's going to put aside her feelings and go to celebrate, I would suggest that you go, too. I'd feel terrible for her if she were there alone and you and DJ chose not to come. She'd feel bad on her own behalf and on yours.

If you decide to go to the party, I would take a card and a gift. I would not give cash, though. I would give something rather formal, impersonal, and not terribly expensive, like an engraved picture frame or a pen set. (I just checked online, and you could get either of these for about $30.) This would be perfectly correct, yet not overly warm and certainly not the cash that this girl is probably hoping for.

If your sister, the nephew's grandmother, is planning to stay away from the celebration, then I agree with Wanda_va that a card is plenty.

What Wanda says is the civilized approach.
Me? I'd ignore it completely.
I'm really curious, though, as to why the girl has ignored her aunt all these years.

I suspect there is a lot more to the story. A lot more.

It could be a million different things..maybe they like their privacy and don't like relatives living next door... Who lived where first? Maybe other siblings got significantly more from grandma and they feel slighted for whatever reason. Maybe grandpa molested someone and grandma stood by and let it happen... Who knows... You are only seeing things from one side; There's got to be more to the story.

Possibly even the graduating girl has a social phobia problem or mental illness. It kind of seems like they are damn if they do, damn if they don't, though... Kind of like...if they ignore you, you get mad... if they invite you to a graduation party, you get mad... can they win? Do you guys want to be ignored or not?

In spirit I'm with Wanda but in the interest of family harmony and the hopes for strengthening the family unit, I would probably go to the graduation if I lived right next door. If I lived out of town, I probably would decline the invitation and make sure I have a conflict on that day. A minimal gift is about all I could bring myself to giving. (a book on good manners might be in order or a book on "How to Win Friends and Influence People...only kidding)

to tell you the truth i hope you're not as dumb as i was and sent a check to a child i've never seen/met, but felt because of past relationship with her grandparents, i had to...

ok you're invited to the graduation...you don't mention a party..in this case, a card will do...even if there's a "another side of the story" as carla suggest (ouch!), from what i've seen this newest generation is out for ME, and other's get out of MY way...

btw i hope your sis donates her house and property to charity...

I, too, wonder what the other side of the story is. I would just send a card, no gift, no money. Yesterday I attended a reception for a woman from church who just graduated from seminary. This woman is about 50 and when we were at a week long service project three years ago, she and her friend didn't acknowledge me all week. If I said "Hi" to them they just ignored me. I only attended her reception yesterday because the friends I had lunch with were going from lunch to the reception. I didn't get her a card because it was a spur of the moment thing and I didn't even have to greet her.

I don't see any reason to send a gift if you do not care to do so. It is a shame that kids these days send invites to anyone and everyone. Truthfully I can't comment on the graduation itself because I don't have a clue about the school but an invite doesn't necessarily mean you are invited to go to the graduation ceremony. many of the schools these days have only limited seating and kids are given a seat allotment. My grandson is graduating soon and frankly that is as close to me as I am willing to go to a graduation for. Anything else, it's too big a hassle. Way too many people, traffic etc etc...

I didn't read your entire post (sorry) but have been in similar situations. Just send a graduation card with a little note of congratulations - no gift, no money, no check. This way, no one can say you didn't acknowledge the graduate because you did. Done deal.

I agree with everyone who suggested that a card would suffice. I wouldn't give a gift. If there is a party of some sort that you and your sister are invited to and you don't wish to attend - then just send your regrets and say you've made other plans. Then you and your sister should go out together and have a fun outing and ignore the drama associated with the nephew and his daughter.

Okay I've said this before and I'll say it again (nicely but loudly)..IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE A GIFT OR A CARD, DO NOT. There is no LAW saying you have to, and what is there to lose if you don't...she won't talk to you (or your sister..I got mixed up)...so what, she isn't now, so no loss! My goodness people, lif's to short to worry about people who are not worthy of your kindness.

Vickey-MN (I'd ignore the invite personally)

I'm with the folks who say to send a card, and that's all that's required.

If you're invited to a party, I agree with those who feel that it'd be a good idea to make plans related to what your sis is doing, if that seems advisable.

They got land ... plus house ... plus furnishings ... plus substantial cash ... and were angling for further land for another house (without having said anything) ...

... and when daughter mentions some of the goodies that she thinks she'll have ...

... and Grandma wonders how she'd feel if such might not happen ...

... she's had enough of Grandma.

And Dad is unhappy - this precious daughter's bubble got busted!!??

Dad used to say that it wasn't too hard to wean a calf at age of a couple of months or so ...

... but if one tried to wean one who'd been sucking on Mom for about a year ...

... the offspring'd break down fences, bust out of a pen, etc. ... and do whatever was necessary in order to keep enjoying the subsidy.

Ain't entitlement grand??

ole joyful

Yep. Send a nice card, no money and no attendance to any events. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. :)

Blessings,
Haley

Thank you for responding, Carla35, but you could not be more off base in your take on this situation.

DJ bought her house several years after our nephew had built his own, and they live next door . There is plenty of privacy, however, and she has never intruded in any way. She likes her own privacy way too much.

Our nephew has only one other sibling, and their mother is painstaking about doing equally for both of her children. And she has done so much for the father of the shy child that trying to duplicate it is breaking her up.

The remark about what grandpa may have done does not even merit a response but I can tell you right now, that never happened. How sad that the world we live in has become so base that thoughts like this creep in.

There is more to this story, and a primary issue is that my sister and her daughter-in-law and her granddaughter have very little in common. My sister is interested in everything to do with homemaking and, in spite of the fact that she was a beauty contest winner when she was young, there is not a vain bone in her body. Her gdtr. has been getting French manicures and carrying Dooney & Bourke since the tail end of elementary school. She and her mother are high maintenance in many ways. I am younger than my sister, but I have a very difficult time relating to the kind of people they are, especially when I know the incredible financial strain it places on the husband.

This basic difference in their personalities never kept her from doing for them.

I would love to sit down and talk with them about "their" side of the story. Hey, I would love for them to appear on Dr. Phil's program and air it all out in front of an objective mediator! My sister is not perfect, none of us are. But she has never done or said anything that would merit the treatment she has received! That is just the simple truth. We have been told that the daughter-in-law's mother did not like her own in-laws and that became the norm for the daughter. All I can say is that I pity the mother of the young man the granddaughter marries!

The graduating girl has been a cheerleader each of her high school years and will now cheer at the college level. That would seem to shoot down the "social phobia" theory but, then again, maybe not.

You asked,"Do you guys want to be ignored or not?" Well, the whole point of my post is that we have been ignored--- for years. Our initial reaction was to ignore the invitation (I doubt very much that our sister, the grandmother, will get one!), and that is exactly what I would do if it were not for my nephew. Even though I think he could have better handled many things in this situation, I will probably send some $$ in the mail. That will at least be a few $$ that he won't have to come up with.

DJ's question was really whether she should react the way she'd really like to or just do the "right" thing and respond as expected.

I would send a card, nothing else.

Well, let me suggest a different approach. It is possible (not likely, I grant you, but possible) that the family is finally trying to make amends, and this is, in their minds, an opportunity to take a first step. What a shame if that is true and this opportunity is lost.

How about your sister DJ speaking to the nephew and saying something to the effect of "gee, nephew, I had a big surprise in my mailbox the other day. I got an invitation to grandniece's graduation! I was surprised, because over the years she's really not seemed to care. What prompted this nice gesture?".

And I'm suggesting that DJ say it gracefully, not sarcastically. Perhaps newphew will say something about wanting to bridge the gap, etc. Maybe (probably) not. But at least this would be a chance to see if they're extending an olive branch or really just going for gifts.

Suzieque

I don't think I'm off base at all... I think I hit the nail on the head... there is more to the story.. a lot more.. I never meant that my examples were for sure the problems... just meant that there could be hundreds of reasons they aren't close to the family.

I think your posts have suggested some stuff:

You are being petty enough to use an example that "you" have told and interpreted that includes a 12 year old from probably 6 years ago.. it doesn't mean much... because I think there's probably even a lot more to that story too...

Your comment...
Our nephew's wife doesn't acknowledge all her mother-in-law has done because "she only does it for her son." She has never bought her a gift because she thinks the husband should do for his family and she should do for her family. (Her family, by the way, has given not even a nano/fraction of what my sister has.)

...says a lot more about how you have judged her and accepted (or not) her into your family. What kind of acknowledgement are you looking for? And, who buys what gifts should be left up to the couple not you, and the fact that someone's mother has given more shouldn't change that decision. The fact that you care enough to talk about... Really, this is why you dislike her?

You see this graduation thing as a looking for money thing... I don't... I see it as they are inviting you to a family function.

Do you call them to talk? Do you and your sister invite them to your houses? How do they respond? Just because they don't stop to talk when running in and out of the house doesn't mean much... You may have the time to chat, they may not.

You call the mother and her daughter "high maintenance" and don't think they know you feel that way about them? How do you know what kind of strain her nails and handbags are putting on her husband or how much he spends on his own stuff? You don't. Again, it's not you business, anyway. Plus, he married her; he might like the high maitenance type. Your post is full of superficial judgements... You attack her because they get manicures and carry name brand handbags, and refer to your sister (who is the opposite) as being intested in homemaking instead. That's just an insult... Just becasue her homemaking doesn't match up to yours, doesn't mean she's not a good homemaker or person.

Unless you sincerely would like a relationship with them, I wouldn't go to the graduation. I mean, really, what would you even have in common with those type of women anyway?

Rough decision to make--remember there are several sides to situations and families and for some reason, graduations seem to cause hard feelings on both sides of the families in some cases. along with weddings and even divorces.
No suggestions, just put things in perspective.

Wow, Carla, you make some excellent points (and I get the sarcasm of your last statement) but you were a little rough.

I would send a card with a 20.00 bill inside and forget about going to the party or graduation or whatever it is. Is 20 bucks really going to make a difference in your life? That way you have the peace of mind that you did the cordial thing, and the money will ensure that whatever hard feelings there are won't be exacerbated because Great Auntie is a skinflint.

Though Carla was a little rough, I kind of agree with her.

If you get an invitation, you should send a congratulatory card. No gift.

If your sister DJ asked me, I'd tell her to send a congratulatory card too. No gift.

And since you asked: as for all the rest of the story, I'd say MYOB.

I think a card is more then enough...

I'd send a generic "Congratulations" card, and maybe $20, and call it good.

We can choose our friends but we can't choose our families!

At 27 I'd had enough of many situations like this, and many that were even worse. I had truly wanted to "leave for good" from age 14.

I joined the military, volunteered for Europe, traveled around for years, and hopefully will never live closer than four or five states away again.

I love 'em; at least most of them. I just can't be around them.

Carla35, think whatever you will. I'm not gonna argue points with you or try to explain further or try to change the way you have interpreted what I have written.

Thank everybody for your responses. I expected honesty and I feel that you all have given that. I also expected that I might hear some other in-law stories, maybe even some similar to this one.

I know how I will respond to an invitation, but I don't think DJ has decided yet. I'm going to share these posts with her and I know that she will appreciate them, too.

I didnt have time to read your whole post but based on your initial question, I can say my answer is Yes, acknowledge it with a nice card. That's it. No money, no gift. Send a card, congratulate her and call it a day!

Personally, I wouldn't give the brat one red cent.
What I WOULD do is write a letter explaining the complexities of a family and how sad that she has missed out on the true meaning of what LOVE and FAMILY really means.

Too bad for that child.
Too bad for the Grandmother to be treated so shabbily.

Seeing that she hasn't given her aunts the time of day, a card is more than sufficient. By sending an invitation, it appears she is looking for a gift or money. Her sense of entitlement is overwhelming.

It doesn't take much to say hello. I say she is looking for a gift or money also. I agree a card is more than sufficient.

I guess I'll just stand over here by myself, because I wouldn't even send a CARD and I wouldn't feel the need to explain. I'd ignore the whole thing and the people asking for a gift(yes..that's what they're doing). Did they sent you or your Sister a Christmas card? Birthday card? Probably not!

I no longer buy into the mindset that you HAVE to get along with someone, bend and bow to them or overlook their actions just because they're "family"!

If you and your sisters don't go to the party, send cards without money. If you go to the party, give something like the pen or a set of sheets to use in college, something that indicates you put a little thought into a gift, not into insulting the receiver! These days, 20 bucks is the very essence of "skinflintiness," especially if you are perceived by them as having a little money! Twenty bucks is practically asking to be called a skinflint!

I have to side with Vicki on this one. What do you gain by sending a gift? Probably nada. What do you lose by not sending a gift? Probably nada. Frankly, I think the family is fortunate not to have to speak to these ingrates. And that includes the parents as well as the children.

I am sitting with CB. Why send anything at all? You really have nothing to loose since this person doesn't acknowledge your existence anyway. Her parents more than likely told her to add your name so she would get a gift. Save the price of the card (they are not cheap) and go on with your life as usual.

"DJ's question was really whether she should react the way she'd really like to or just do the "right" thing and respond as expected."

Put that way, to me there's only one answer. Do what you really like to. Hypocritical to do otherwise isn't it? This would supersede the nothing, card only or card/gift question but if that came up I'd consider a card and a card only unless I believed this could be extending an olive branch. Whether you attend the function or not you could have a gift card in an envelope and if you felt you were being scammed, you don't give it and if you felt good about it, give the gift.

Sometimes people feel they need to invite people or those people are possibly offended. Then they can feel offended if they're invited so yes there is the DIYDADIYD situation. And yes, sometimes there's the "gift request" when you're sent a graduation announcement.

With the complexity of this one and the info given, I'll go back to the original question and answer that. Do what you want, not what you feel others want you to do.

I'd be tempted to shove that invitation--well, somewhere. And don't feel sorry for your nephew. He hasn't done anything to remedy the situation and, frankly, I don't care to be around someone who would allow his mother to be treated so badly.

Also, Ruthie is right. These days in most schools tickets are required to attend a graduation. So it may be more of an announcement unless you live in a really small town.

I think that family owes a lot of other family members huge apologies. Shame on them for teaching their child such behavior.

Gotta agree with CB on this. Do what you WANT to do, not what you feel OBLIGATED to do. Just by posting this asking for advice on what to do is implying what you really want to do, but apparently feel guilty for thinking it. There isn't anything that says one has to have more manners than the person who displays none. I have a great-niece who I only hear from when she wants something. I've received requests to buy magazines from her for a fund raising event, and other requests to support one thing after another. She has my address but apparently only uses it when she wants something from me, and it's always $$.

Oh, and by the way, I received a high school graduation announcement in the mail just recently. It wasn't an invitation to attend the graduation but just an announcement that she was graduating (CODE - that means you can send me a graduation gift). There was a picture of her in the announcement, and I have to say I wouldn't have recognized her if we walked past each other. The last time I saw her was when she was a child.

So what am I doing? Nothing. There is no family harmony to preserve. The relationship I tried to have with her when she was born and growing up wasn't reciprocal, so I decided I wasn't going to do anything out of OBLIGATION.

That is what this is all about - OBLIGATION, not the desire to want to sincerely congratulate her.

Relationships are a two way street. If all the years Grandma or DJ or whatever aunties were ignored, they let it happen, too. I have no children or grandchildren (I'm just an auntie & a great auntie) but if I want to have a relationship with the children, I must also be make the effort. Sad that in this day and age, everyone is so busy and time flies way too fast. It's easy to let it go.
I also do not judge my niece by her mother's attitudes (not dissimilar to OP's issue) but how much she has learned from me and the rest of my family.
It almost sounds like the OP and her sisters gave up way too early...

"should react the way she'd really like to or just do the "right" thing "

Well, when you put it this way, who wouldn't do the "right" thing?

However bitter, vengeful, spiteful or angry she might feel about the way this family has treated her, if she truly feels the "right" thing to do is send a card, then that's what she should probably do.

When you give in to spite instead of doing what you think is right or kind - well, it might feel good for the moment but my guess is you'll regret it later.

Better to take the high road and do what you think best reflects your character and not theirs.

A card would be sufficient.

You know there always doesn't have to be "another side of the story" I grew up living across the street from my Aunt and Uncle. My Mom's brother would nod to me or if he saw me walking down the street would give me a ride to the bus stop but my very British Aunt would only talk to any of us when would visit my grandparents for whatever occasion. They just liked to keep to themselves. Funny after she died my Uncle was very friendly to all of us and would call me over to chat or have tea whenever he saw me outside.

Anne

just reread all the posts..how sad our family units are so shattered these days...boy how far we've drifted from a "it takes a village to raise a child"...

too bad the 'burbs arn't a village...

I've said before that I've felt that one of my major responsibilities as a parent is to encourage, instruct, and help my child to work toward his/her independence.

I've sometimes said that it is my feeling that if, as a child that has been given some privilege or freedom, s/he shows some responsibility in using it, s/he has learned that s/he will be given more, it seems to me quite possible/probable that that child may well grow up to adulthood without displaying some of the rebelliousness that a number of young people have done and do.

That comes partly as a result of my experience growing up on our general farm, when Dad and this ten-year-old son and a couple of younger ones had lots of chores to do, as the hired hands had gone off to fight World War II, so I was never frustrated at being held back.

That said, my offspring were encouraged to feel that with freedom comes responsibility, and that we are treat people with consideration and respect.

More than that - it is important that we love our neighbours and treat people well: as we would like to be treated.

I am fortunate, I think, that our family has got along well and avoided the battles that have bedevilled many families.

Dad didn't make a lot of noise about his Christian faith ... but it's my conviction that he made an earnest effort to live it.

ole joyful

I wouldn't even send a card. If I did send one I would be tempted to put in one dollar just to show I didn't "forget" something. Sort of like living a coin on the table when "tipping" for bad service.

I'd either ignore the invitation, or at most, send a card.

If you don't respond at all she might think the invitation got lost in the mail. If you just send a card she will know that you did receive it.

I love what Wildchild suggested, that would be perfect! :o)

The decision to either "do the right thing" or make statement with your actions has more to do with how you feel about yourself than how you feel about the other person. Doing the right thing is as much (and sometimes more)about self-respect as it is about respecting others. Snubbing the graduate will not change a thing about the situation, so it really won't make DJ feel any better about it. But when we set a good example for people we never know when they are paying attention and might learn something from it, especially someone still young and impressionable.

Clearly some people don't understand the difference between "do the right thing" and do the "right" thing! Not sure if it warrants an explanation but if you live your life by what others determine as the politically correct, or traditional or expected action, IMO you're not doing the right thing - you're doing the "right" thing, and only according to them. Sadly, too many people these days live their lives in this manner.

There's always the option to put a quarter in the card with a note to call someone who gives a...

Clearly some people don't understand the difference between doing the "right" thing and being self indulgent.

There are many times when my behavior reflects the "right" thing as society defines it and not the REAL way I feel. It's certainly quelled my desire to engage in road rage or tell my coworker she dresses like a slut, and I'm probably a better person for it. I'll be the first to admit that societal politeness has saved me from myself many times. And sometimes, much to my inevitable regret, I've lost control over my immediate knee-jerk response.

In my opinion it's better to do the thing that will ultimately reflect upon your own character, even if the short term desire is to hurt someone. Letting someone else's bad behavior result in yours might be momentarily gratifying but in the long run, it's weakness. But, that's just my opinion.

However, if petulant and bitter behavior is what you're really all about, then I guess some would say that is doing the right thing by being true to yourself. If that's the self you truly are.

Only you know who you are or who you would hope to be.

Tally, your 2 posts are really good "food for thought", well beyond this thread.

Tally, I like yours posts; there is a definete difference between being "true to yourself" and being self indulgent!
You are very wise :)

I agree with you too, Tally.

I can understand being torn by the question "What to do, what to do?" But I really, honestly, do not understand the attitude of being mean-spirited or petty towards a graduating high school student. She's 17, 18 years old maybe ... send her a quarter? send her a dollar? That's just unimagineable to me.

To acknowledge the fact that this young woman graduated from high school when so very many quit and never get that far ... send a card which congratulates her on that accomplishment.

To reward her for graduating, include a check.

To truly celebrate her achievement, attend the graduation and at least pop in for any gathering afterwards to tell her how proud you are of her.