Bank Letter - Ol Joyful you'll love this one!

16 years ago

Bank Letter..... if true, this is brilliant.

A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS

Supposedly...............

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager

thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to

pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must

have

elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account

of

the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic

monthly

deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in

place for

only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that

brief

window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account 30 by way of

penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me

to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally

attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you,

I am

confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless

entity

which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to

deal

with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer

be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally

and

confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other

person to

open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact

Status

which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to

eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your

bank

knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of

his

or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the

mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,assets

and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she

must

quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28

digits

but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required

of

me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they

say,

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing

field

even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is

required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the

Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be

put on

hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While

this

may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for

the

duration of the call.