Oh Mary, he sounds like an awful person. Are you close to your grandson? I hope there is some kind of agency that can help you get something out of him. 9 years and he takes a teenager into his life. Wow.

Really sorry to hear that, along with the other stuff ...

... you have this to contend with, as well.

I hope that you can keep in touch with your grandson.

ole joyful

Freakin' jerk.

Mary - had your GS's father not wanted him, who would have been his guardian?

I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter, and ensuing issues, Mary.

Because he has a social security number, if the funeral director wants to get in touch with him for payment, he can and probably will. Give a copy of the words you wrote above to the funeral director and keep a copy for yourself. If you have the ex son-in-law's social security number, give that to him, too. Let him know that you are trying to help.

You aren't responsible for the funeral bill - HE is, so let him 'man up' and take care of it however he sees fit.

So sorry for your loss, Mary and all the ensuing problems. My heart goes out to your GS. I hope all will be well with him.

Pam 25f-my daughter just moved close to us 18 months before she died. She lived in FL & we are in TN so we were not that close to my grandson. Most agencies do not do state to state. Moonie 57-if this man had not had the legal right to my grandson we would have taken him in, as this is what my daughter would have wanted. Kayjones-This man is not responsible for any debts my daughter had even her funeral because he is a EX. The funeral home knows we are trying to pay the bill but we were the ones who went to the funeral home and made the arrangements so I think in the long run the bill is on us.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but your last statement is right.

You made arrangements for the funeral. The bills are yours, and yours alone. I doubt even your daughter's estate could be held responsible unless she made some provision for funeral expenses.

I'm sorry, Mary - I mis-spoke.

I just hope you can somehow maintain a relationship with your GS, Hopefully the jerk gets tired of him and sends him to you.

If it's any consolation, all kids have a secret desire (or not so secret) to be with their dads. I hope this is the case for your GS and that all goes well for him. But, if you have communication with him, beware that he may get angry about something with his dad and blow things out of proportion. I have spent many many hours worried and upset only to find out my own GS has done this. He has tried very hard, many times, to pit me against his mother and her boyfriend because he was mad about something.

Your poor GS sure has had a lot to deal with losing his mother and being sent to live with his dad. He probably has other children and a wife, maybe? Are they close by? Did he have to change schools?

I'm very sorry about your daughter. This is truly horrible for your grandson. First his mom passes away, now he has to go and live with someone he doesnt even know. He hasnt seen his dad since he was 4 years old and now he has to go and live with him? I bet he's scared to death and what a time in his life for all this to happen. He's got a tough couple of years ahead of him right now. You said because of the distance, you werent close to him. Please try to keep in contact with him,he is going to need any connection to his mother he can get.

This is a terrible situation to find yourself in, Mary - I am so sorry that you are going through this. You just have to wonder about some people, don't you - they leave me speechless at times. How they can act and carry on the way they do and not think anything of it - obviously they don't have any conscience. Your ex SIL really is a jerk. I wish you and your grandson all the best.

I hate to play devils advocate here but the son in law is right. If they were divorced he must pay court ordered child support, but he no longer has any legal or moral obligation to pay her bills.

I'm so sorry to hear all of this, Mary.

I don't understand though, why Mary's daughter's estate wouldn't pay the funeral bills, regardless of who handled the arrangements. My parent's funeral bills were paid from their estates. Mary didn't say she asked the ex son in law to pay the bills, she said "what she had could at least pay 1/2 of the bill.". That would be her daughter's estate. Aren't bills paid before the remainder goes to the heirs? Again, that's how it worked for both of my parents.

And Social Security survivor checks for a minor child are supposed to be used ONLY for the child, not to pay for a parent's funeral or to support her ex-husband. I think you need to consult an attoney about your rights and responsibilities in this matter. With whom is the son living? Is he attending school and are you the guardian?

I will try to answer some of the questions asked. Mary c-The little bit of money my daughter had would be able to pay 1/2 of the funeral expense. Lisa fla-it is hard to talk to my GS as now my Ex-SIL will not return my calls. Moonie 57- My GS never wanted to be with his Dad or even talk to him. He has no other children only girlfriends. Then live in FL & we live in TN. Yes there is a new school.
Lazypup- I know ny Ex-SIL is not responsible for her bills, I did not ask him to pay anything all I ask for was a letter to let me close her checking account so I could pay some on her funeral bill. He is the legal gardian of my GS & GS is the sole heir to her estate but she does not have a estate, only bills. Jannie- I know the SS check is for my GS but I also know he will not get it, his father will. We already know our rights which are "nothing" & we are not his guardian his father is.

Gosh, Mary, I'm really sorry for all you and your GS are going through. My advice to you would be to kiss that SOB's a$$ so that at some point, when he answers the phone, you can continue to develop a relationship with your GS. I know you said that ya'll aren't close because GS had lived so far away, but he still needs you in his life. I'm glad to hear that the SOB doesn't have any other kids because that would only make it harder on your GS. All we can do is hope father and son build a strong bond.

Fortunately, I have a good relationship with my GS's mother. It's the boyfriend that I've had problems with. But yes, I will kiss his a$$ because of the influence he has over GS's mother.

Sorry to have gotten all caught up in your GS. I just hate to see the kids suffer for something they have no control over.

Hope you get everything straightened out.

The way you are being treated is terrible and I know you are devestated not to have a relationship with your grandson. I agree with Moonie in the fact that you may have to suck it up, sort of speak, bite your tongue, and be nice to the smuck of an ex SIL. It is so hard to do, but I have had to do that in the past to get things done right. I have even had to apologize when I knew I was not the one in the wrong and knowing I would never get an apology from the other person. In the end, do what you have to do for your grandson. Also, even if you have to pay all the funeral bills and may have to make payments on her funeral bill, you can look at it as the last gift of love you gave to your daughter. Ask yourself if it is worth the arguing, hurt feelings and stress in your life to continue to haggle or fuss with this ex SIL? Is it really about the funeral bill or is it about all the hurt from the past??... In the end, what goes around comes around, even if we do not get to see it. If you do what is above reproach and kind you will reap kindness...he will definitely reap his nastiness. Best to you and yours...much love.

The father is the next of kin and a likely person to be tagged as caregiver. However, there may be other circumstances involved, one that could eliminate him as a 'good' parent.

First off, he's got his head in the sand if he thinks he can avoid the cost of child support. Ya sure, he can stop child support payments if the child lives under his roof, but he has not thought this through. There is a cost to supporting a minor and I'll hazard that cost could equal what he was paying in child support. He'll have to feed, clothe him, provide schooling extra activities, and be a father at other times. The child will need supervision (and companionship) when not in school. This means 'dad' should be home enough hours to keep track of the kid. His personal freedom will be vastly curtailed. I'd certainly have child protective services look into the situation to determine if he qualifies as a parent. "Dad's" life style is a big factor in this case. If Dad travels out of town, he'll need to provide overseerer care while he's gone. This will be needed until the son attains an age where he is mauture enough to be self sufficient.

If dad does not, or can not, become enough of a father, this boy is headed toward self destruction. But if dad is highly interested in his son, he could surprise everyone with good results.

Next, since you seem to be a very interested party, could you become his guardian? I know there are costs, but look into financial help that you might be elgible for, namely Social Security.

Look to see if you have grandparents rights in your state? Also find out what legal age your gs has to be to determine where he wants to live. In some states it is around 14. He can determine where he wants to live. You and your grandson may want to get some legal advice, especially if you can prove he is not getting proper care and money for clothing, food, and how about medical. Is is Dad got medical insurance for him? If not, why not?