Thanks for the response, I'll try to bite my tongue, but it IS hard not to tell her she's hurting my feelings by snapping at me for no good reason. I would hate to have any trouble in my close family. I've not given her any advice on how to care for the baby, and have no idea why she's like this now.

I can imagine how hard it is for you. Just look at it from her view point, she's not trying to hurt your feelings and she thinks she HAS a good reason. She feels that any thing that you do or say is a reflection on her mothering skills.

She wants to be the only one involved in the baby. She may not even like the father having a lot to do with it. She wants to be the whole, entire world to HER baby. It comes from being defensive because down deep inside, she knows that she might not know everything.

But you can control whether or not she "hurts" your feelings. You can also feel angry, irritated and disappointed. all of these emotions are under your control and if you don't expect too much from her at this time, You can handle them. don't set yourself up for being hurt and it won't happen.

I know that is easier said than done, but you can do it. Consider the source and ignore her responses. Give it time, the newness will wear off and she will be glad for your help.

Are you a social worker by chance or physcologist? Your responses are exactly what I needed to hear! My friends have been trying to tell me to tell her she's hurting my feelings by her rudenss, but I'm afraid that would just upset her more. And you are right on about the comment about my poor son. I've heard her like that with him as well. and he is the biggest sweaatheart, but maybe I'm just prejudiced ! Thanks!

What purpose would be served by telling her she's hurting your feelings? Would it make her feel better? Of course not, so keep your lip buttoned. Don't keep complaining to your son about her, either. He has enough to worry about now without adding stress.

Do you call before you visit them to see if it's convenient? Just thoughtful things like that would be helpful. But, thankfully, it usually goes away after a few weeks.

It sounds like post-partum depression. There was a recent article in the newspaper about it and they recommend either a support group or some kind of therapy if it keeps on.

It sounds like me and my mom when I had my DD. (can't imagine how I would have been around my MIL if I was that bad around my own mom).

I was very moody, very up-one-moment-down-the-next, and VERY DEFENSIVE!!!!! I still get defensive and she's 4!

So just relax, ask what you can do to help, and let her guide you thru building this new relationship!

Aileen is right on..(as usual!). Your poor DIL is wiped out....overwhelmed with all the new stuff and trying to convince herself that she really does know how to care for that baby........and perhaps just a little possessive!
And as Aileen said.....she can't hurt your feelings unless you give her permission!
So when you go over and she snaps at you about how to hold the baby....ask her to show you how she wants it done, maybe she will eventually realize that you didn't just fall off the turnip truck!
Linda C

You ladies are the absolute best !!!!
Each and everyone one of you have given me the boost and the confidence I need to salvage my relationship with DIL.
and not take that chance of loosing it. And Yes, I do always call before going over. Never, ever would have asked that of my own dear mom or dad, and would NEVER tell my kids they can't just pop in. I want them always to feel welcome enough that they can always drop in whenever they can.
Thanks to ALL of you!

Good for you!! and Thanks Linda C.

I guess what I have said is based a lot on the fact that my mother was a pain in the rear about HER grandchild. It's hard to explain, but sometimes a new mother just wants to be left alone with her baby. I didn't like the way my mother held the baby, he spit up a lot and she tended to move him about too much. We disagreed on how much clothing he should have on, how to fold the diaper, whether or not to use bath powder, etc. etc, etc, And it got worse. I gave up on even trying to be nice to her. She meant well, but it was just too, too much.

What I am saying that unless advice is asked for...it is unwelcomed by the new mother. All your experience is not going to help a bit.

At six weeks, her body is still getting over the strain of pregnancy and childbirth. emotionally, she is also strained. This is a big thing with her. You can help most by accepting the fact that First, foremost and forever more the most important thing is that this is HER child, not your grandchild.

The fact that you are the grandmother is important only to you. It is not important to her, That sounds harsh, but that is the way a lot of women feel.

You can do much more for the relationship if you can convince her that SHE is important to you as a person, not just because she happened to give birth to your grandchild. Do you see the difference?

When you call to see if it is convienent to drop by, make it sound as if you want to see HER, and if the baby is around, that would be nice, but secondary.

You have a lot going for you. You have sense enough to ask for advice and you realize that telling her that your feelings were hurt was bad advice. So, I suspect by the time a few more weeks roll around, a lot of things will have changed. Give her time.

Men tend to look for solutions. You have complained to your son about his wife's behavior. She's stressed to the max with a new baby. No doubt he has told her you aren't happy with the way she is behaving. Talk about fueling the fire. Man, my husband has told me the same things before about his mother. Drives me nuts. I'd be willing to bet your DIL is having to bite her tongue right now also. She'd probably love to tell you that she thinks you're being terribly selfish right now by dumping your negativity on her, particularly immediately after her kid is born.

And, her husband has probably told her to curb her behavior, but not to mention anything to you. So she's probably resenting having to worry about your feelings right now, and also feeling as tho HER husband is protecting you when he should be telling you to be patient.

I just read a book on in-law relations. One of the cardinal laws is for the DIL not to cut down the MIL to her husband and for the MIL not to cut down her SIL to her son.

My MIL thinks she is sly. She calls my husband at work. But he tells me everything. I'm sure she believes his loyalties are to her, but we've been married 8 1/2 years and there is very little he doesn't tell me. We went to counseling over it and he actually wrote his mother and sister an email and copied me. In it he admits to having participated in negative discussions about me in the past, apologizes to me and warns them that he will not listen to negatives about me again.

Anyway, you are really setting yourself up for a miserable relationship with your DIL, AND your grandchildren if you continue to confide in your son about his wife.

Boy can I relate to the new mother. I know I was grumpy etc but couldn't seem to help it. I cried, I ranted, raved, no one but me could do things the right way. I was afraid that I wasn't doing things right and I didn't want it pointed out to me if I wasn't. Yes, your best bet is to butt out and let her come around. You may want to suggest something like, "when you feel comfortable with it, let me babysit while you and (hubby) go out for dinner" That way you're letting her know you're willing to help and on her terms. If she takes offense, back off again. I was really emotional and defensive. I would bet it is post partum and she'll improve with time. Just give her space.

I don't think it's really post partum depression. I experienced what your DIL is and also know many other mothers who have and I wasn't depressed. I would get EXTREMELY edgy when there was a family function that we had to go to. My fiance' was ready to pull his hair out when someone invited us over. My problem was that that was my son and I hated taking him other places and having 20 other people take him and tell me how to take care of him. It wasn't everyone really that got on my nerves but a few people could make me snap at everyone I was so mad. The problem is that you have this baby and suddenly everyone treats you like you're too stupid to care for him/her. I had people telling me that he was cold and to put a sweater and hat on him and it would be 80 and humid and all of us were sweating! They'd try to tell me when he needed fed but had no clue about what his schedule was and that no that wasn't the problem~he'd get cranky because too many people were holding him and stuff and wanted left alone after a bit. Every time my son cried the tiniest bit up until he was about 2, my grandmother would ask when his last bowel movement was because that was probably why he was crying. If someone was holding him, they felt it was their right to go through our diaper bag and things to find whatever they felt he needed and I didnt like them getting in my stuff~would you go through someone else's purse or suitcase without asking? My mother would tell me how to mix the formula until I turned around and said to her that this was my responsibility and I would be the one doing it for the next year so let me do it my way. Every little experience caused more stress and anger. It took me a long time to finally snap back and I did hurt people's feelings but I needed space to do my own thing and it was the only way they got the point. I guess what I'm saying is that to you, what you're doing or saying may not be a big deal but you have no idea how many people are doing the same to your DIL. It makes you think that people think you are incompetent. The best thing to do is only to speak up if the baby is actually in danger or something like that. Do give your DIL space and keep comments to a minimum. Things will get better over time. Good luck.

Writing this post brought back many memories! LOL
~Leslie~

Sounds like a case of MAMABEARISM. GRIN.

I would like to add one thing. Be sure and give her sincere compliments on her mothering. She needs the reassurance and support.

I think everything that has been said is really good, with the expection that she needs some group therapy or therapy for this. I think it is just a phase. One which the two of you can laugh about in years to come. This too shall pass.

This is from a gramma, who with her first born would only roll down the car window a smidgen when we stopped by my grandparents to show them our newborn. I mean, geeeeeeesh. LOL.

But somehow the kids do survive. LOL.

But she is lucky to have such a caring MIL who wants to do it right.

Gramma Connie

Thank you to all of you for your replies. Although 95 % of you told me to be quiet and say nothing to her, 2 weeks ago I had a talk with her, and asked her politely to please not snap at me any longer. This was after she told me "If I have to tell you one more time not to touch the back of her head, I'm going to smack your hand!"
I was only softly and very lightly touching her gorgeous hair, not touching any bone.
She screamed back at me "you just don't listen!"
I told her you can talk to a 12 year old like that, but have some respect for your mother in law, and that it was just rudeness and disrepectful.
She then told me she didn't have the baby so that I could be a grandmother. I calmy answered, "Of course you didn't".
This is coming from a 25 year old. An only daughter, and,
one that I think was very spoiled.
I already do everything that you have all suggested, I call to make an "appointment" before going, I never just drop in.
I have not suggested in any way how she should be caring for her, or raising her.
I have said nothing for 2 months. But that was the last straw. I told her to stop and think before she blurts something out, and that she may not even realize she was hurting me.
And it's NOT just me she has been doing this with. It's been her own mother, her sister in law, and a friend.
I just went there today, the first time in 2 weeks.
She was a changed person, back like she was before she had the baby. Smiling, and happy, and she told me she was sorry for talking to me like she had, and that she loved me.
My son told me if it wasn't me, someone else would have told her to smarten up.
She stopped breast feeding last week, because the milk wasn't coming in, and she's been frustrated with it and having trouble since the baby was born. I think all lot of it had to do with being tired, and frustrated.
But after finally telling her firmly, but calmy, I do think it made her realize what she sounded like.

I still think she wasn't being spoiled or rotten. I was the exact same way for the first couple months. And some of the things she said, sound just like I did. And if she was having trouble breastfeeding, that causes unbelievable mood swings, guilt, mental anxiety, and all that on top of the hormones.

I had heard that breastfeeding can make a baby less likely to be diabetic (which runs in our family), and so I had that guilt that if BF failed, I'd be dooming her. And I had a very militant la leche friend who gave me no end of grief over my 'failure'. And on and on and on. And as someone else said, the sense that only "I" knew the right way to feed her, hold her, dress her, etc. Mom wanted to bathe her, and I flew off the handle like you would not believe, over Mom bathing her granddaughter.

I had to deal with my 'failure' (for lack of a better word) with the breastfeeding. I had to deal with guilt over going back to work. I was one big ball of guilt and hormones, surrounded by well-meaning people that, at the time, I hated!

No one telling me what I was doing would have helped. Because I KNEW how I sounded. I KNEW I was irrational. But I could not control it. And one day, it passed. Almost like a cloud lifting. And I was normal again.

Just posting this because I feel like you are still thinking its that she's spoiled or something. You sound like a great Grandma! Enjoy this time - your DIL and GD will love you because you sound like you're very understanding and patient.

TREKaren is right. I read your reply yesterday and thought that you were very lucky to have the DIL that you have. You're lucky she didn't take MAJOR offense to what you were saying and not speak to you again or at least for a while.

It seems that you may have forgotten what it was like to be a new mother. I'm sure that maybe if you have relatives who were around you when you're kids were newborns they may tell you you reacted a lot in the same way. Many of us may not realize how harsh we are being, while others are aware but just can't stop. It's a major life changing experience that nobody can totally plan for. It just takes time to get used to the changes and for your body to get back to normal. Many women act like changed people until they get back on track and everything. It's scary suddenly being totally responsible for this new, tiny and fragile-looking human being. I'm sure that if you wouldn't have even said anything to your DIL about her actions, they would have stopped just like they recently did. What you said probably had nothing to do with her changes, it was just time.

~Leslie~

I'm glad is all worked out, but I must admit that it sounds to me like she had tried to ask repeatedly that you not do something and you simply ignored her. It also sounds like it took her snapping to get through to you.

I apologize if I am missing information, but it doesn't appear that she was 100% in the wrong here. She shouldn't have bitten your head off, but you shouldn't have put her in a situation where she felt she had to.

I noticed the same behavior from my wife toward my mother after our baby came. A lot of it has to do with getting accustomed to the new family roles. Your DIL is in control now not you. Your DIL feels threatened by you because she is concerned you may vie for control or challenge her ability to care for a child. She doesn't want you telling her what to do. This is HER show. She's calling the shots not you. So bite your tongue, only offer advice when it is asked for and focus on enjoying your grandbaby.

Hmmm... I'm always hesitant when anyone says they did nothing wrong and it's all the other person. Especially when you didn't bother to ask your DIL what was going on.

My own mother frequently gets exasperated and tells me not to blow things out of proportion. This upsets me. If for some reason I don't want my baby's head touched, I don't think I should have to repeat it numerous times. It sounds like you didn't think it was a big deal and disrespected her wishes repeatedly. I'm curious how many times that happens in other circumstances?

My MIL also talks incessantly and puts everyone around her down. It's terrible to be around. We've all tried to talk to her and she insists she has no idea what we're talking about. My point is - I can't make nice and let it roll off my back when I'm tired and taking care of the baby. I'm in no way saying that's what you're doing, but there may have been issues in your relationship you didn't know about.

And telling her not to speak to you like a 12 year old... well, in general I agree. I do. But if you can't follow basic requests like not touching the baby's head (even if it is her hair) then how do you expect to be talked to?

michenyc,

This thread is nine years old.

I'm also reading it for the first time. My question would have been about why she didn't want the baby's head touched. Was there a medical reason, or cultural? I work with new mothers and babies, and routinely touch newborns' heads. I have heard that in some culture (don't remember which) there is significance to that action.

And yes, if she was asked repeatedly, she shouldn't have done it. My MIL would have ignored my wishes, too.

Boy , this forum is old, but I'm just now finding it and it has been so helpful.
I could use some insight/advice from any experienced person out there.
briefly without alot of details which I can provide upon request :
DIL gave birth to our first grandchild one month ago. Baby is fine - a boy. SHe has been experiencing P.Partum depression that came on gradually. My son is very supportive and her parents have been helping alot with the baby who has a BAD case of night and day mixed up ( not unusual). Baby lives about 45 min from us , nearer her parents.
We have always been very loving toward her and have a good relationship although it could be better. I have stopped by only twice since the birth and brought food and held the baby and tried not to stay too long. I have emailed numerous times making it VERY clear I would love to help with the baby whenever they may need me , I'm just waiting for the call. I don't give advice unless it's asked for. 2 weeks ago , the grandpa and I were asked to keep the baby as the other grandparents couldn't that night and the parents were exhausted and the mom was having a particularly bad time of depression. We gladly helped ( even tho I had to go to work the next day , my husband is retired and he helped during the night). Our son was the one who lined it up at the last minute , and brought the baby to us with some very quick instructions. The baby is bottle-fed. We did fine with our grandson - and he actually slept longer and pooped more under our care. I kept a log of everything we did , when fed , when pooped, when slept, etc.- for the mom to have.
A few days later, I sent a very nice email addressed to both my son and DIL - saying how much we enjoyed the baby, but sorry it was under the circumstances - but it's surely nothing to be ashamed of and we hope and pray (mom) gets better real soon - just all loving words - and I sent a couple of photos of the baby at our house. One was of him laying in the "play and go" with a stuffed monkey I had made,sitting beside him and an "I love Grandma" blanket on him that I had made. I innocently sent this pic to them.
When he slept here, I did not have the monkey in there with him and I kept the blanket way down just covering his lower legs. He was on his back/side just as our son had instructed us to do and prop him that way. But our son had given us a little bassinet thing that they keep him in in their bed at night. He didn't say specifically that this is where he needed to sleep when we had him. We made sure when we laid him in the 'play and go ' that his face was clear of any loose cloth etc. He doesnt' even move when he's put in a position.
The next day , after the photos and email were sent, my son sent me an email - and all it was was a forward from the baby's mom to my son and then to me ( indirect) and it was a list of the guidelines to prevent SIDS. No note, no thank you, no response to my mail - just this. I didn't know how to respond. So I didn't respond. Still haven't. It hurt me so. Was she implying that I put the baby at risk? Was she thinking I compromised his safety while in my care??? Oh my, this is a precious baby , my grandson ! And my husband and I were so attentive to him. I believe my son was just the go-between for the email. I have let this really get to me in last few weeks. If she had only just written a little sweet note with it, I would have received it gladly. We met with our son for dinner recently and I did not bring it up. He mentioned how she is still having problems and that the baby is her life right now. But he brought the baby with him to dinner and we got to hold him. She didn't come and there was some reason he gave. We have not even talked or had any communication to or from the mom in weeks. I'm tired of emailing her and getting no response. Yes, she's having some postpartum stuff and wasn't able to breastfeed - but is that really an excuse to be so rude and ungrateful toward us. Her family has just taken over helping with the baby and I don't see where we fit in. I love being a helper ! My husband and I have not offered any more and decided to just lay low and give it time. But the idea of her implying that I put the child at risk for SIDS has really done a number on me.

Apparently, there are a lot of really rude DILs out there. Thank God I'm not the only one. My only comment after dealing with this woman who turned on a dime once she got herself pregnant by my son -- MAYBE THEY ARE ALL JUST BI*CHES who hate the fact that our sons love their mothers.

I really think that's the case for me. I'm not saying that I'm a complete innocent, but my experience in life is that I treat people with the golden rule. always have. This woman is completely unreasonable!

A good example: Last week was Easter. I asked her if she had anything she'd like me to get my 16-month-old granddaughter for an Easter gift. Her response: "I'M THE EASTER BUNNY - NOT YOU."

So, I decided after talking with my son that I would put some cash toward the college fund.

Her response: "It was too much and it made me uncomfortable."

I can't do anything right. I guess one day, when I die, that will be right.

Wow, so glad to find this forum, even if some of it is old. It is comforting,yet sad, to see so many in the same boat.Whoopitup,don't feel too bad. Our son/DIL walked in with 1 yr. old who we have never even been allowed in room alone with, much less babysit for, implied that we might allow him out in the yard unsupervised--go figure that one. Abusedbydil, I thoroughly agree, if I die, then maybe it will be right. If I act my normal self, I am too silly. If I am quiet,don't talk much, I am stuck up and aloof. DIL speaks to me as if I had single digit IQ, yet she loves the man I raised. I do not have an answer for where the rudeness comes from, although I cannot help but feel it has something to do with society's attitude that everyone is special/no one can fail/ all deserve trophies. It is all about ME,no consequences of their actions.

I have never offered advice, accepted her rudeness by saying it was hormonal, but after almost 2 yrs.it is going to stop. If she is rude in the future, then I am calling her on it. If it means I don't see GS, or DS, then so be it. I have not been allowed to bond with GS, so the loss will not be as bad as it might have been.If DS refuses a relationship, then perhaps we are not as close as I thought. The hole in my tongue is too big, it is time for her to bite hers for a while. No relationship worth having should be one sided.

At the baby shower I asked the mother & stepmother who was going to take care of my DIL for 2 weeks after the baby was born, which my mother gave me, I gave my daughter & my other DILs mother came in from Brazil for her for a month. The stepmother said she had 2 of her own DILs coming due at the time & the mother just acted flaky cuz she's mentally ill. So I assumed it fell to me.

I spoke to my son & he said, "I think she'll be uncomfortable having you". He said he would be caring for her even though they desperately needed him to be working because he's paid hourly. I asked, "Will you need help w/dishes & laundry?" "Hell yes, I need your help!", he exclaimed.

Then she ended up w/a C-Section. When they got home from the hospital I came over & talked to my son. He said, "Don't stay overnight. She'll be uncomfortable. Just come daily from noon to 5." That's a 45 min drive for me but I said ok.

The first day I cleaned the kitchen top to bottom & left at 5. They thanked me. The second day they asked me to buy cough drops, baby shampoo & mittens so she wouldn't scratch. I did. When I arrived my son left for the bank. I wanted to do her laundry so she went around the house with me gathering dirties. She wouldn't let me sort, insisting on doing it herself. She couldn't because she couldn't bend because of the surgery. I wanted to clear the coffee table so I could put the baskets w/in her reach but she didn't want me to. I then sorted under her eye so she could supervise each item. My son came home w/a lady who had to ask him questions about life insurance. He showed me how to use their washer. She began to get snappy, being harsh when she told me which load to wash first & asking for space when I walked behind her while she was dressing the baby, but I tried not to worry about it. She freaked on my son about the temperature in the house. Then her mother arrived. The mother acted uncomfortable about me as though there was now no room to move around. (I'm tiny.) My DIL said, "There are too many people in the house." My son asked me to leave, muttering to me, "I'm not going to have you treated this rudely when you're helping out." As I left they both thanked me & I said to my DIL, "I might come tomorrow", so as to leave it flexible.

The third day my son sent me an apology & said he would see to it I got to hold baby more. I said she seemed to feel somewhat claustrophobic & it was ok, I would continue to help. He asked me to pick up pads for her. As I was on my way over w/the pads he called me & said she had a migraine, they had seen the doctor, & she didn't want visitors. He then began whispering & I couldn't make out what he was saying. So I said, "I'll bring over the pads then we can go on the porch or somewhere where we won't disturb her so I can hear what you're saying."

I arrived w/the pads but my son had gone to get her migraine medicine. I went in to deliver the pads & she was being visited by a girlfriend. I sat down & introduced myself to the friend but when I wasn't included in the conversation, I began to select outfits that go on hangers out of the basket of clean baby clothes. "It makes me nervous to watch someone fold my clothes", she said. "I'm just picking out what goes on hangers & I'll put them in the order you showed me", I reassured her. "Please put it down", was the response.

So I went into the kitchen & began to clean it. "Please don't clean. I don't want to hear it". So I waited in a back room for my son.

He told me her mother had finished the laundry after I left the day before. "So will her mother help her now?", I wondered. Apparently the mother was so unreliable that she might come when called, might not, or might not arrive till the next day. DIL had told him, "It makes me nervous to have your mother helping", so I wasn't to come anymore. She is only going to get a week of help from my son before he goes back to work. My son said, "If she doesn't want your help, don't give it. Just text her to come by to see the baby." I asked, "What if she ignores my texts." This has happened before. He said, "Let's try this first".

They invited me to hold the baby before I left. I'm very worried. She likes my other DILs & her friends but not me. I want to be included in outings w/them when grandchild gets older & especially when it's a couple of my sons & their wives & babies. She's been cold to me ever since an incident 6 weeks before the baby was due. She was in labor but didn't want to take the anti-labor medicine. I'm an herbalist so I made her a brew that stopped the contractions. She said it didn't taste bad but was somewhat pleasant. But after I left she went back to work even tho she felt that was why she'd gone into premature labor. She inundated me w/texts describing the now returned labor. I kept responding w/suggestions that she take the tea every 4 hours. Finally she asked something about the contractions & I texted that I couldn't know till I knew if she'd taken the tea. She stopped texting & has been cold ever since even tho my herbs gained her 7 more weeks of pregnancy.

Well, it occurs to me that maybe if her Mom is flaky then DIL may have a few issues of her own.

Woodnutrition, please back off. Some of us would go crazy if anyone else came into our home and wanted to "help" so much. Listent o your son. For now, call and ask to come visit for about 1/2 hour just to see the baby. See the baby, then leave. Give the new mother some room to breathe!

She's now decided that I can't do that. I can only see the baby when my son meets me with her outside the house. Honestly, I thought it was my duty to do for her what she couldn't do for herself so she could relax, heal & nurse. It's what my mother did for me & my other DILs mother did for her, etc. I've given no criticism nor advice, yet now I can't even try to have a pleasant relationship with her. I didn't "stress" her when I paid $300 for childbirth hypnotism classes, nor bought expensive gifts from her registry, nor picked up $50 worth of stuff at Wal-Mart that she requested.

You are not her mother. Remember that.

Right. Now she's putting an appeal on Facebook for help w/no mention that she fired me. But y'all weren't there so I can protest all I like that I tried to do things exactly her way - either y'all believe me or y'all don't. Obviously, I didn't succeed but not for lack of trying. I knew what she was like going into this but, as evidenced by her appeal on Facebook, she really needs the help & my son needs to go back to work is why I tried anyway. In fairness, her post was an appeal for prayer & a wish that she could do it for herself, but in her obliviousness she humiliated me & said a public, "no thanks to you", because her friends all rushed to offer help & to suggest that she ask family for help, saying that even though family hasn't stepped up, sometimes one has to ask. I responded that I was sorry it didn't work out & was still available. I had intended to leave it alone but she knows I'm on Facebook, knows everyone sees what she says. She may have been unaware of how she made me sound (& her mother & stepmother who each have an excuse: the first, "I'm crazy" & the second, "2 of my own DILs need my help") but now that I sound selfish, indifferent, uncaring, monstrous actually, I dug myself in deeper by saying I was still available so the reading public would know I didn't have my head up my ass but had actually tried.

This thread appears to be three years old!!!

She took baby & left my son. He then sued for divorce & gets visitation. I see my granddaughter now

Interesting reading! I found this thread when looking for help regarding my DIL problem. I have had the rude treatment, but this is the 2nd child!!.

I have been overseas and came to stay with another family member so I could help and have time with son, DIL and grandkids. They only have a small house so unable to stay with them. Ive respected their terms and only visit when asked. I asked my son if i could take my 3 yr old GS out and spend some time with him., in the few visits we had started to bond. BUT I was told NO, because DIL wont let her son out of her sight. Since this request she cut me off and didnt talk to me, hiding in her bedroom with the baby when I visited - at my son's request.

My son has been nice to me but then he started acting blunt with me. He told me I was stressing them out and that they needed time alone. I told him i understand but please remember that Im only here for 3 weeks to see them. I was hurt. He says he's stuck in the middle trying to please his wife and his mum.

I suggested I come and talk it out with DIL. I did this, and in a loving way tried to explain how I felt and how important family is to me. We talked and I thought we ended understanding each other. But the same rudeness continued on my next visit. Son was stressed and very rude to me too.

I left the area and went to stay with other family. I wrote to my son telling him I'm hurt and that I will not come to their house again. Later that day he replied with a long letter to both myself and his wife. He expressed his frustration and told his wife she must accept his family and love them. He said he loves us both and wants it fixed. (She has no other family btw).

I felt a weight lift off my shoulders after this letter. Now it's in her hands. We have a family gathering soon, and she had previously told me she won't come because baby is too young. I was disappointed because she won't allow 3 yr old to come either. I've tried to explain how important it is for her young son to meet his cousins and spend time with family on this rare occasion. I do know if she will change her attitude or if she will continue this over protecting and selfishness.

I agree with previous suggestions and that this could be a result of her fear of not being good enough as a mum. Or fear of losing her children by sharing them?

I have 2 comments: This whole insistence that new mothers are hormonal, emotional wrecks as a given is really puzzling to me. It wasn't that way for me w/my 5, nor my mother, nor daughter, nor for my one daughter-in-law. (I have 4). 3 of my daughters-in-law are absolute dolls. I'm quite close to 2 of them. But one of my daughters-in-law, B, never liked me, talked about me behind my back (I found out later), did everything in her power to keep me from seeing my oldest son or talking to him on the phone; did everything possible to prevent me from having a relationship w/my grandbaby. My only recourse was to pray & pray. She left my son, he responded by starting divorce. I thank God, but if I hadn't have been as fortunate as I was, none of this advice would have helped.

JudyMartin, you sound like a spoiled brat. Your son and his wife -- new parents -- are exhausted and overwhelmed, and are getting to know their new baby, but you insist on your wanting to visit the new baby above their needs and then you pout when they set some boundaries.

Your son was wrong to side with you. His first loyalty belongs to his life partner, the mother of his baby, not you. You need to step back and give them the space they need, from a loving distance.

Shame on you!

Sarah_Social, nadastimer and TreKaren are all right. New moms have to look after their babies and their own health. Mothers-in-law need to offer help but let the new moms dictate the boundaries.

What was your relationship with her before she became pregnant? I am a new mom. My son is five weeks old and I'm sure my MiL is upset with me to some extent because I'm so hesitant to trust her. I had to do some thinking as to why I feel like I can't trust her and this is the conclusion I came to. She never included me. When my husband and I dated for five years she wasn't that interested in getting to know me which did hurt my feelings but I just assumed that's the way she is and let it go. She was still this way after DH and I got married. But then I got pregnant and had my son and all of a sudden she is wanting to be involved. Suddenly I'm expected to just hand over my vulnerable newborn to a woman I don't know to well and it scares me. I know she's raised children and loves my son and wouldn't ever hurt endanger him on purpose but that doesn't make it easy to let my guard down. I'm also going through similar feelings with my own mother. After months of my stressing out over the delivery and telling my mom and MIL over and over and over that it was to just be my husband and I in labor and delivery room at the hospital they both overstepped the one boundary I had and barged in. They stressed me out to the max when I was most vulnerable which is why I didn't want them there originally. My labor progressed slowly for 25 hours before I finally kicked them out and my some was then in distress. Regardless of weather or not they meant to do so they put their feelings before mine and my sons health. This is something I am trying to get over. And after we came home from the hospital mom and MIL want to "help" but the help I needed was with making sure I ate or that the dishes got done. The way they wanted to "help" was to constantly take the baby from me even though he's crying because he's hungry and I needed to breastfeed him. All of that coupled with lack of sleep, pain, and my insecurities made me to be a pretty unpleasant individual.

Try to see things from you DILs point of view. Other than the obvious new parenting stress she is experiencing is there anything else that happened that could be holding her back? Perhaps something you don't even realize or believe to be insignificant? Caring for a new baby and adjusting to life as a 24/7 caregiver is a huge adjustment. Try to be patient and understand and hopefully she will come around once things calm down.

Also she really needs her husbands support right now. I know he is your son and you probably don't see it this way but talking about her behind her back will not go over well. Especially at such a high stress time in her life.

I hope it all works out for you :)

Well I have read all your comments about the rude DIL. The mother that said "have patience"....I've been patient for 10 months now. My grandson was born last October. I welcomed my son's girlfriend in my home 2 years before she became pregnant (living with me). I think I have a great relationship with her personally. Unfortunately, I was not allowed to come to the hospital for the birth. I respected their wishes because they wanted it done this way. No one to be there so they could relax and bond with no company. Her mom did not respect this and showed up anyway and stressed her and my son so bad by being there (constantly talking, laughing, etc) all day that her labor became stressful. My son was so upset. Finally they booted her mom out. Again I'm saying, I respected the wishes. My DIL breastfeeds and she claims he won't take a bottle. I say she's wrong. A little bottle manipulation will take care of that. Mfg. companies do not make the nipples wide enough so not enough milk comes out. (I breastfed my son but pumped so my parents could feed and bond with their grandson--I had to have the nipples opened a little more so he would take it). I feel she doesn't want me and my husband to feed him, which is a bonding experience to grandparents. When I told her about this trick, my son was excited to try it because he too wants to feed his son. If I'm giving to her (money, gifts, going out to eat, etc.) she comes over and stays for a good while so I can play with him. If I don't have anything to offer, I never see her and she's always busy if I want to go over to her house. Her mother and family dont help them out or see the baby but once a month, but when there is holidays, her family gets first dibs on the visit. Me and my husband are always last and the baby is tired because they get to my house so late. His first birthday party is being planned around her mothers schedule, not the grandparents that have literally spent out thousands of dollars to help with their bills and baby items. (they have asked and I have offered). Yes, I am expected to help her out with buying decorations, food, and the rental space at the park but me and my husbands schedule didnt matter. I, too, have taken care of many babies and know what I'm doing. She won't let the baby out of her sight. She's always "right there" and seems she wants him to always want her or cry for her when he sees her so she can take him. I feel I haven't got a grandchild or bonded the way my parents bonded with my son. I've respected their wishes since she gave birth to him. I've only babysat 20 minutes a couple times. Although one time she and my son was doing some delivery work to make some extra cash and left him with us for 3 hours when he was 5 months. I insisted on them not to ride around that long with the baby in the carseat. They agreed reluctantly.....Believe me, by the time they got back, my grandson was not happy. He wanted food that I couldn't give. Did not have a bottle because i was not allowed to feed him. So needless to say, I dont watch him long periods like that anymore (with no bottle). She pumps but claims she doesn't pump enough. He feeds and within an hour he's hungry again and she feeds him again. Seems like she's breastfeeding constantly. Like I said, I feel I'm being used and I have to "pay" to see my grandson. When hes out of the baby stage, boy, people will be getting some good deals at my yard sale because everything is new since I see him maybe once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. I've tried everything. In my opinion she's too too too overprotective. I'd like for my grandson to grow to be a tough playing little boy not the opposite. I need that bonding experience. Yes, i have tried to talk to both of them and theres always excuses that doesnt make sense. I do want you to know I love my DIL very much. I just want to feel I've got a grandson and feel the baby stage experience... not blink and he's a grown boy. Any advise, please help. I've done everything I know of and now just being unemployed, I'm short on money. Makes me feel I'm being used. My husband is upset, too. HELP!!!!

I just read some of the older comments....to Judy Martin--dont listen to crackermoo---she sounds like my DIL. Very selfish person and she herself is a spoiled controlling brat. You did nothing wrong. Just wanted to see your grandchildren. You kept your boundaries. I'm gonna just say this, if my son and DIL don't want me around unless I'm "giving".... shame on them. When they need gas, bill paid, diapers....she calls who???? Not her Mom....ME!!! I'm not being selfish or closing in on my DIL. I've gave so much space but me and my husband are missing these early years. I guess the last resort is just lay it all out on the table. Judy Martin---sometimes talking in a loving way doesn't work. It seems like she is just a control freak and cares about no one but herself. I always included my MIL in my son's life. He is 30 now and my MIL tells me today how thankful she was to have me to understand she needed to be close to her first grandchild and to include her in his life. Sometimes these young girls these days are spoiled and was not brought up the way we were. I pity them because they have no idea what they're missing in having a loving family relationship on both sides. I hope things got better for you since your post. All you MILs out there, load of crap if you get the "we need our space" excuse, especially if you're like me and have respected wishes for almost a year. I can say this...when your grandchildren start growing, they will probably want to spend all their time with you because if she's controlling and setting boundaries in infant stages now, she will be controlling and dictative as they get bigger to their children. Yep, they will want Grandma and Grandpa!!! These mothers who act like this don't think about their child(ren) would jump on it to spend the week/weekend with their grandparents..

Well, for a start, you should stop being the Bank of Grandma. I think you were not wise to have started with the whole lavishing gifts and cash thing because from the outside it _does_ look like you're trying to buy your way into a relationship. And it may be that you've conditioned DIL into expecting that. But, now that you're not working, it's a good opportunity to say, "I'm sorry, I'm short myself and haven't got any to spare."

But, it also seems like you have opinions on how children should be raised and more specifically how _this_ child should be raised. Sorry, but you don't get to decide. And I imagine that if you try to push this line when your DIL visits, she probably digs her heels in and thinks "Well I'll show her, it's _my_ baby." Stop being so wound up in the concept of having to feed your grandie in order to bond with him. Many babies are totally breastfed by their mothers and still manage to bond with other family members. Some babies do want to feed more often.

" I insisted on them not to ride around that long with the baby in the carseat." I think that was a big mistake. It's not your place to insist unless real harm is going to happen. We drove nearly 6,000km with our 5 month old in the car. She was fine then and 32 years later she's fine now. If baby wants to feed every hour or so I'm not surprised he wasn't happy, and I'm not surprised his parents don't want to put him through that again.

You say you respect boundaries but even in your writing your wish to cross them is so palpable. I'm sure your DIL picks up on this and her defences go up. Especially as you say in one breath you love your DIL and then in the next that she is a selfish spoiled controlling brat. Lighten up, be nice and don't have any spare money. Your relationship may not improve but at least you won't be any more out of pocket, and possibly the resentment you clearly feel that even lavishing all this cash on your son and DIL does not give the result you hoped for will dissipate and make things less tense for all concerned.

I get along very well with my daughter. I think a big part of this is that I believe her life is hers, and I don't give advice unless I'm asked.

"His first birthday party is being planned around her mothers schedule, not the grandparents that have literally spent out thousands of dollars to help with their bills and baby items. (they have asked and I have offered)."

Of course the birthday party is being planned around the mother's schedule.