What a situation. I think your SIL is so lucky to have you in her life. I can't imagine what she's going through (well, I can since I've been there). I take she has no family of her own to turn to, so someone needs to be there for her and her kids.
JoanMN/FL

I think you are amazing. You are able to remain objective, even when you have all kinds of pressure from your family. You're a good example for the kids in your family.

Why is your brother making plans for the children in case something happens to SIL??? Does he know something that she and you don't know? I hope he's not planning something stupid or hiring it out.

Sorry, Vickey, just thinking worst-case scenario... I think SIL should have something written up, legally, giving custody of her children to whomever SHE wants, since she has custody.

First thing your SIL needs to do is get a will made, with her decision for where the kids are to go. Have a couple of copies to people that will be able to come forward with it if ANYTHING happens to her!!! And 1 left with her lawyer!

I always figure 'they' will get their just reward in the end....sometimes waiting for that end is Very hard!

I agree, your SIL is very blessed to have you in her corner.

Kudos to you Vickey for still standing up to your family and behind your SIL. She needs someone, so she doesn't think she's in the wrong, and go back to him. Has brother even gone to any anger management classes or therapy while in there? He really needs it. That and a lot more. Keeping your SIL (and you and your families) in my prayers. Especially on the 11th.
Leslie

I was just wondering how things were with this....I'm glad you updated.
You are awesome Vickey! I wish your DSIL the best, and with you in her corner it will help her immensely.
Good advice above, cover her bases and stay one jump ahead of your brother.
I don't know what will happen with the sentencing, sometimes judges are lenient and others are tough. I hope the judge is tough, but be prepared for anything.

I get it. When family is this way it is ten times as upsetting than if it were non family.
Good for you for seeing things so clearly.
You are doing the right thing and you know it, so vent any time!

i so agree with sandy about having sil make out a will...she ahs to do everything she can to protect herself and the kids...

What Sandy said. Your brother asking the nephew to take the kids carries no weight, but a will or trust would. However, unless she has sole custody of the children, he might have to sign the document(s) also, and they probably would have trouble getting that together.

Of course he says he's sorry. They always do, afterwards. Glad your SIL is getting out.

Sorry for all the trouble. I know you are very upset.

s

Having been in a similar situation as your SIL I'd say to tread lightly and try not to take sides. Remember, there's three sides to every story - mine, yours and the truth. Unless you're with them 24/7 then you don't know for sure. Be there when needed but they're 'adults' too. I'm saying this without knowing the full story but your brother sounds like he needs a lot of help to prevent him from doing something horrible.

It was my lawyer who advised me to have a will made up and they did it for free. Maybe hers will do the same.

Just got an E-mail from SIL....she has a will! YEA.

Zeetera...I try not to "take sides", but with the bruises I've seen on her, the side I take is that "She did NOTHING to deserve the treatment she got". Period!!! Other members of my family say "but there are two sides to every story". I still say NOTHING DESERVES THAT KIND OF TREATMENT. If they don't like that, then that is fine. I won't change my attitude, period. If it were them being abused, I would feel the same for them (which they seem to forget). I have a hard time seeing gray here. I understand your statement. This has divided our family, but trust me, in a way it was no loss. And it isn't HER fault.

Thank you all for helping me to know that what I lose with my family is not much, what I find with my friends is so much more.

Vickey-MN

My thoughts are the same as Flamingos.
Where would your brother get the idea HE can choose guardians for children he isn't allowed to visit?

You are a brave soul Vickey.
I admire you.
It takes guts to take a stand different from the family.
You are being fair and objective.
Your family is not which could be, correct me if I am wrong, the reason why your brother is the way he is?

Lori

Vickey, you have received some great advice. I just wanted to give you some buzzard hugs.

(((((Vickey)))))

Vickey, once again I salute you for standing with your SIL and against your whole family. You are truly one of God's Angels.

Like I said I don't know the whole story but it sounds like your sister might be in for a life of fleeing, whether he gets locked up or not. I'd think it would be better to be close enough to know his mental state and his intentions. Plus the best protection for her is to work on him. As it is if he's determined to get at her, he'll do it.

Do you think the relatives sticking up for him would warn her if it came down to it? We hope so but stranger things have happened.

I'm relieved that you're concerned and I agree that no one should be beaten, but it can happen again with more grave consequences.

The very fact that your brother is thinking of a guardian is scaring me. I agree that an arrangement should always be made and that all of us, especially parents need wills but the fact that his desire for this is now surfacing kind of gives me goose bumps. I hope your SIL puts her requests down in writing with a lawyer quickly and I pray I have an overactive imagination.

Lori, my Dad was controlling by intimidation, my Mom, submissive, but there was no verbal abuse, nor physical abuse/beatings. There was sexual abuse to my sister and I (Lots of counselng and I have not survived..but CONQUERED as my girls did not suffer, I ended the cycle!!). So why do I have not one, but two brothers that beat their wives. Yes two. The one currently in jail, and another that once held a gun to his wife's head and told her to "find a way to pay the bills or I'll use this" so she robbed a grocery store and had to spend a year in jail. Now mind you...each brother thinks the other was TERRIBLE for being abusive. How could someone do that to their wife? .......

Anyway, I don't totally know what my third brother is like, some of his behavior is actually excuseable, he had a blood clot on the brain as an infant, and we've found out just a couple of year ago that to remove the clot the doctor's actually removed part of his brain (yes literally), his brain re-wired itself, so that we never knew it had been done (doctors never told my parents they did this). After 40+ years his brain has begun to short circuit. The damage is in the frontal lobe, I'm not sure what kind of problems it causes, but know that life is not easy for that SIL, seizures, etc.

So anyway that's a brief insite to my childhood. Brothers that could do no wrong, and girls that could do no right and were worthless. Boy you'd think I'd have more problems than I do...but nope, I'm too stubborn to let them win!

Vickey-MN

Wow, you've been through a lot, Vickey. I have too, and I know what you mean by not letting yourself be a victim forever. And good for you, because that is SO hard to do, I know. Stubbornness sure has it's place!!

Wow Vickey.
My admiration for you knows no bounds.
((Vickey))

Lori

Vickey-MN, again I applaud you for sticking to your gut feeling. You'll the sentence in a little over a week.

For what it's worth, don't be too quick to say the father has no say in custody should something happen to the mother. I think it's inappropriate to jump to a conclusion that there's a hitman coming though. However should something happen, the father is the surviving parent and depending on the circumstances at the time he could gain custody or have a say, especially if it's years down the road from this issue and if all has settled down. There's a lot involved.

Also, in Minnesota you can file your Will with the county in which you reside, which is a good idea for anyone but apparently not done very often. That's usually the first place to check when someone dies. Copies of Wills are not generally going to be valid, so spreading copies around the countryside is of little value.

Back to the point, Vickey-MN, I can imagine how hard this must be for you and how it must weigh on you. I know how it is to be the demon in the family for taking a stand on what's right and what is, rather than what they'd like the facts to show. People like that, whether family or acquaintences aren't friends and you do not need them. It hurts, I know, but in the end, I know it would hurt you (and I in my case) to give in just to "keep the peace". Best wishes to you and your SIL.