Can't take this anymore...don't know how to resolve!
19 years ago
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- 19 years ago
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Can't take it any more!!!
Comments (12)I've recently moved into a second floor apartment. It's a small building - only a 'four family' and so far, so good with one exception...the girl next door to me. Sound carries embarrasingly well on 'certain' occasions. I don't know her name but I certainly know what she yells at critical moments! :) That isn't the issue - what is the issue is that when she isn't ****ing, she and the boyfriend are fighting and I mean, 'You shut the **** up and do what I tell you!' sort of fighting. Yesterday, around 3am, I was awakened to extremely loud shouting and thumping, then sobbing. I decided to mind my own beeswax and put in earplugs. Tonight, however, the screaming, banging (no, not THAT kind) and crying was at such a pitch I called 911. The police came immediately but no one would open the door. I had made an 'anonymous' call so they didn't ask around. Not ten minutes after the police left, the stereo cranked up in the apartment next door - and I mean, full-tilt-booming bass and they began pounding on the floor - running from room to room, stomping as hard as they could. I guess they figured the gal below them had called the PD. The police showed up again and came barging up the back stairwell, this time, right outside my door. They demanded to know what was going on and a male voice called out, 'You're not coming in here without a warrant'. The officers called out to the girl, 'Ma'am? Are you allright?' No response. The asked the guy who was with him, and again, he said, 'Come back with a warrant. I'm done with you.' and retreated away from the door. On the way downstairs, the police were confronted by the girl who lives downstairs - she made some comment about all the noise THEY were making. She then proceeded to tell them that no, she hadn't heard anything and couldn't imagine why anyone would have called the police!?! She lives below these folks and has to deal with their rudeness on a far worse level than I do. Why would she lie? I'm now starting to be a bit concerned that perhaps I should be afraid? I live in Missouri - If I begin to feel threatened by the scrotal sac my neighbor is dating, do I have any recourse to approach my landlord about finding me another apartment? His voice, through the door, was polite, well articulated, and absolutely curdled my OB negative. That and the emphatic, 'Oh, no, I never have any problem with them' from the lady downstairs has really got me worried. Sheesh. Any advice? Anyone know of a nice Yurt in Mongolia I could rent?...See MoreOMG .....I can't take it anymore! Daughter is a slob!
Comments (92)Hi, I'm new here. I've been looking online for ways to cope with living with a very sloppy person. It seems nearly impossible to change a slob. I found one site about living with a sloppy partner. I have read such sad accounts, couples that marry (I guess totally unaware of how the other really keeps house), and end up divorcing. I notice that mostly, the tidy, organized person, the one who prefer to live in a sanitary and orderly house, ends up having to change, ends up having to relax their standards, ends up having to back down, and having to live in silent frustration. It seems so unfair, how slobs are able to have/take such control. They dictate how things are going to be, how things going to look, smell, etc. Slobs don't see a need to change how they are, all they have to do is drive the clean person crazy. My daughter and her child and I share a rental since she split up with her bf. Every day I wake up and cringe, dreading what the day will hold. It starts with my daughter never waking to my gd crying and screaming. I have to go in her room to wake her and I dread it because I just know I'm going to have an out of body experience. The smell of her room hits me as I open the door. This sets me off. She doesn't bother to flush her toilet. She lived in poverty with her bf for several years and developed some really bad habits, like half the time they didn't have tp, so she doesn't always bother to use it. Her floor always has junk thrown about, clothes all over, clean mixed with dirty, who know which is which, dirty silverware and drinking glasses she has repeatedly been asked not to take to her room, pop cans spilled or half full and just waiting to be spilled by her child. A big stinky mess, squalor. And there she is snoring away, none of this bothering her, not even a bit. Sigh She makes a mess in every other room, has to be reminded to clean up after herself, or she won't do it. Her cleaning up after herself barely qualifies as cleaning. She works full-time and goes to school, so she is busy, but she uses this as an excuse every time we get into it over her piggish ways. We get into some big screaming matches, and I'm always the loser. Nothing ever changes. She might go to her room and make an angry attempt at straightening out, but not really cleaning, slamming things and yelling so I hear her. I feel like I'm living with a child, not a young adult. I'm having to parent her, and should not have to. I'm near retirement age with my many joint pains, it was a struggle to keep up with my own chores when I lived alone. and now I feel like I work nonstop and get nowhere. I'm sad and angry over all of this, and when depression sets in, it really affects how I feel and what I'm able to do. None of this filth bothers her. Her brand new car, the new car smell has been replaced with the smell of rotting food. She is so gross. I sometimes lose my mind, especially when the smell from her room makes it's way downstairs. I have simply lost it and have started cleaning her room while she's at work, because I just can't take it anymore. I have found dirty diapers tossed in the cabinet under the sink, pads with dried blood thrown on the floor by the toilet, scum with hair, dried toothpaste and makeup on every inch of her sink. I can't understand how someone can live comfortably in such an unsanitary environment. Disgusting. Thanks for reading my long vent about what I'm living with. Thank you for your comments....See MoreDiffering Expectations--How to Resolve
Comments (21)Custodial or not, DH has been your SD's father for 18 years. When I said "you're new to the scene", I just meant relative to the parent-child relationship they've had for 18 years. But yes, you are right, the three of you living together is new for everyone. And yes, as such, it means that everyone, including you, has a right to have their input on deciding mutually satisfactory boundaries so everyone can be comfortable with the living arrangements. Examples of such boundaries might include chore lists, agreed-upon length of time SD lives there, working out bathroom schedules, providing a polite amount of notice to all parties when making plans, lowering volume on tv's/stereo after a certain hour (or wearing headphones), meal planning that takes everyone's tastes into account, etc. Things pertinent to sharing a living space, obviously, need to be worked out where everyone has a say and agrees to the terms, which need to be fair and respectful all around. When I said "ground rules/financial arrangements", I wasn't so much talking about things that everyone agrees on per this new living-together situation in particular but longer-standing decisions that pre-date you and that may be viewed as separate from the specific circumstance of living together. The kinds of things a parent (not a new step-parent) makes decisions on. The main example you gave of an area such as this where you seemed to want to make rules (the credit card) has little to do with the living-together scenario. Of course, it may be argued that if the girl was driving the charges up to the stratosphere it could affect the ability of you & DH to pay household expenses. But what are we talking about, a $20 bookbag here, a $30 pair of boots there? Yes it adds up, but unless she's up there in the triple digits every month it's not going to throw you all out on the street. In any event, that problem is very simply solved by SD getting her own card as described by Kathline's suggestions. YOU personally don't have to give her a penny or any assistance of any kind if you don't wish to. But whether DH does or not is up to him, as her father. I question the relevance of what you seem to think is such a deciding factor here: "they've only ever had vacations together". Especially now that the living situation is full-time. Also not sure how their past visitation schedule gives you *more* of a say in agreements between the two of them that don't really affect you. Or how you being new SP gives you more "latitude" than if you had been an SP (custodial or non-custodial) going back many years. I'm not totally sure how you've reasoned all this out, but I can assure you that DH and SD don't share your perception of their relationship as limited to "sharing vacations". Persist in minimizing it in this way and laying down laws if you wish, but don't be surprised when stress & resentment start multiplying exponentially, all around. I mean this, truly, as a *friendly* bit of advice. Some of the things I'm saying sound harsh, but seriously, this is how things can degenerate amongst otherwise well-meaning but inexperienced stepfamily members. I'm just saying pick your battles, that's all. In the long-run, you really will be glad you did. I say this not only having been an SD but also with empathy for SP's who can't fathom how things turned out so bad and have to deal with a mess of resentment that can't really be un-done after the fact... all based on, as you aptly said, "differing expectations" and being unaware of the perspective of the other parties......See MoreI can't take my step son much longer...
Comments (19)Frankly, lamom, if I, in a new relationship with a man who is depressed and a child who has multi problems and knowing this from the basic get-go, I wold have right then rethought my situation, ended the relationship and hightailed it for the next fish in the sea. That's not what I took issue with. What I took issue with was when you implied by your original posting with your indication that a person with depression 'choses' and went on with the 'whoop' good parent bit. Depression is not a choice. It's not a luxury that one can choose or decide to not undergo. It does not make them a bad parent. What would perhaps turn them into a bad parent would be when they fail to realize/except the disorder and seek help. In this case the gentleman did. He acknowledged he had a problem and sought out help which in his case included medications and theraphy. So many people either don't know what is happening, fail to acknowledge and seek out or plain are too embarassed to seek out help. What I took issue with here was when you appeared, by your wording, to indicate depression was something one could chose to not have and that if you did have depression, well, whoop, were not a good parent. And with your next posting you indicate with implying a person should think about not having the luxury of chosing prior to having children. My jaw dropped. I was really wondering if you did indeed realize that depression can and does strike at anytime and sometimes it's long after one has already had children. I think my objections had nothing to do with OP's case, but rather the simplicity you seemed to be applying to depression and it's extreme complex tangle with all that can go with it. I was pointing out depression is not something one choses to have, the choice comes with how the affected person deals with it. It's not a choice to suddenly one day wakeup and 'check out' , but it is a choice to stay there and not deal with it. As far as the OP, as I stated in this posting, I would not have stayed in this relationship and became as involved as she has, that was never my point of any of my posting in this thread. I wish the OP well, she has a serious decision to make, she's hung in there much longer than I would have, and I hope she thinks long and hard for what is best for her, her life and her own needs....See More- 19 years ago
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