Hi Daisy

This sounds like any teenage girl to me. My DD would drive me insane, I would say we will be leaving at a particular time, we would be sitting in the car...she would be putting on makeup, jewelery, clothes. This happened most times.

I decided to be sneaky and tell her a time to be ready, a while before it was necessary. This helped a bit.

The secret is, not to let it get to you. YOU want to be calm, happy and not let this petty mindedness affect you. I know its hard, but it can be done.

It really best to avoid the whole situation, so you can have a nice day together.

Mind you...my DD would not even go out with us around that age !

Remember your priorities. To work on building a harmonious relationship with your SD, and to be a loving wife to your DH. This will benefit you in the long run.

All the best.

Just out of curiosity , where did you, dh and SD go togethor? I would assume outings including 18 year old dont happen every weekend?

My guess, as a "new" stepmom to an 18 year old, you are not really going to have a SM/SD relationship, and DH is going to have to deal with her. He should be the one you are mad at? He should have been bugging her at 9:50. IMHO.

I'm also curious where you were all going together? I have a 17, 18 & 21 year old and if there are plans to go somewhere, it's never 'on time'. I agree with popi, when i'm dealing with someone that is always late, I might say we are leaving at 9:30 so we will get out the door closer to 10. If they still take too long, go without them. At 18, they can be home alone and I don't see why there is such a fuss between you and your DH. My DH gets annoyed by things my 18 & 21 year old sons do, he has never lived with teenagers and doesn't realize a lot of those annoying things are normal. I tell him, "just wait until your DD gets to be a teenager. You'll pray for her to be as tame as my kids are." and I'm not saying my kids are angels, but they aren't doing a lot of things a lot of teenagers do. And you don't know until your kids get to be a teen, how they will be.

and kkny, it sounds like OP was not the one bugging SD, but bugging dad to get SD moving. That caused discord between dad and SM because dad probably felt like he was having to choose sides (between his DD that's taking her time and SM that wants to leave on time) but he should have handled it instead of getting mad and 'ruining' the day. It's no fun to go somewhere after there's been a argument. IMHO, dad should have had SM compromise, 'we'll wait until 10:30' and also told SD, 'be ready by 10:30 or we go without you'. and stick to it.

In my opinion, it sounds like SM made too big a deal, maybe thinking SD was doing it on purpose to annoy her (and she might have been) or that SD was trying to get attention and make everyone wait on her (or she might always take that long to get ready) but either way, it sounds like it turned into a power struggle, with dad in the middle.

I'm also curious as to why she moved in with you six months ago? Did she have problems getting along with her mom? Is she a difficult child or gets along well? Are all your arguments related to her being there? This one incident sounds minor and that it was blown up into something bigger than it should be, but if it's among a series of arguments, then it really can affect your marriage. If all of your arguments are about your SD, then you really need to get some help with it. I wouldn't blame the SD necessarily because your DH sounds like he disagrees with you and that may be the problem. Not that he has to agree with you, but the two of you should be on the same page about what is or isn't acceptable. You may be the one that has to understand where he's coming from and the only way to get on the same page, is open communication. What my DH and I do, is we talk about the things that we seem to disagree on. We each tell why we think something should be done a certain way and we usually end up in agreement because we are both willing to compromise and find the middle ground or we convince the other that one way is better. Sometimes, there are factors that weren't thought of.

Thanks guys... we were going to spend the day out in the country, antiquing and stuff. And I have to say, in general, she's a great kid. She is always pleasant and agreeable. She's sweet. The beauty routine though makes me crazy...two hours every single day. I know it is normal and to be honest I don't care if it were 4 hours a day...it just isn't fair to let everyone else wait around for it. I like the idea of giving an early time of departure, leaving room for this sort of thing. Thank you.

The arguments with hub are usually over this same type of thing: he gave her a credit card for emergencies only and very clearly told her it was for dire emergencies, no surprise that charges started showing up for clothes, make up etc. His approach is to very lightly say "tsk, tsk..." My approach is to take the card away no questions asked. He is a peace at any price person. I am not. It doesn't cause us problems except in regards to the kids.

As backup info, she grew up with BM and StepDad across the country...spending only summers with BirthFather. Now she is attending a school near us and so she is living with us. Hub is trying to convince her to stay which has me very worried.

I have always been a very structured person...and do not have kids of my own. Plus as a kid, even at 18, I did what was expected of me, before it was even expected so I am having a hard time relating to all of this. I guess I have to lighten up....A LOT! But it isn't easy...

Shoot. I have a lot of work to do. I put a call into a therapist I used to see... hope she can help me work out some of the anger I am feeling over all of this....before my feelings create long term problems.

Thanks again for your help.

too easy.

Cancel the credit card & have her phone her dad if she needs emergency funds, & go have fun yourselves if she isn't ready on time.

Her life won't be ruined if she has to call her dad in an emergency, & she either will be ready next time, or you'll all realize that it's nice & peaceful for her to do one thing while the 2 of you do something else.

or both.

If she is 18 years old, a great kid, generally pleasant and agreeable, and normally has a 2 hour beauty routine, then you told her 45 minutes in advance that you wanted to leave at 10:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning, then I do think you were out of line to get angry. Particularly if it was for a day long drive in the country and antiquing.

Plus as a kid, even at 18, I did what was expected of me, before it was even expected so I am having a hard time relating to all of this.

My 18 year old is a great kid, too, and does what is expected of him just as a general matter of course. But our approach is a little hard for me to put into words. To me, 18 years old is in many ways nearly an adult. We still have rules and requirements, but we try to treat him as much like an adult as we can. That means we ask his opinion, respect his idiosyncrasies, consider his schedule and wishes, just like we do a friend's, or each other's. If I was planning an outing with one of my friends, we'd mutually agree on a time. If we're planning an outing with my son, we mutually agree on a time. For an outing like you described, we'd tell my son on Friday afternoon that we planned to leave at 10:00 a.m. If he wanted to go, he wouldn't stay out too late on Friday night, and he'd get up in time to be ready by 10:00 a.m. Or he'd let me know on Friday that 10:00 a.m. was too early for him, and try to work out a better time (or decline the invitation).

Drugs, alcohol, safety issues, good grades, those things are nonnegotiable. Which restaurant we're going to, what time we're leaving on a family outing, etc., those types of things we work out mutually.

Sorry, I don't think anyone needs a 2 hour beauty routine, especially an 18 year old. Maybe a ninety seven year old who's having trouble getting the spackfiller smooth, but........
At 9.50am I'd have made it clear that I was leaving at 10am and SD could be there or stay home. Missing a two hour beauty routine one morning isn't going to make her face fall off, for goddness' sake.
And I'm with Sylvia, if she can't use the credit card for the purpose for which it was intended, it goes away. Heard the saying, "Give them an inch and they take a mile'? Invented for teenagers. See if hubby goes tsk, tsk when she put $1,000 on the card for bits and pieces.

Should have let the two of them go on their happy way ... and enjoyed a day to yourself.

Or when it was time to go ... stop and paint your nails.

At 18, and with her in school, she can probably get her own credit card, rather than your husband keeping one for her. Most teens, not all, get their first credit card, run the bill up to the limit, which is usually about one thousand, and then realize they have to pay it back. Paying it back themselves helps them to learn that it isnt free money. Its very tempting for someone in that age range to not be able to differentiate between needs and wants. I dont think you can be angry at SD for this. She is acting more or less normally. But maybe you could help your husband see that the girl needs to build her own credit rating and learn how to handle credit, and that , if he wishes, the better way may be for her to have her own card, and for him to contribute to that card by paying for any actual emergency stuff on it, rather than her lifestyle choices.

Giving 45 minutes notice on a weekend day for a girl who normally has a 2-hour beauty routine doesn't sound like a recipe for success. It does sound to me like your expectations aren't in line with reality for most 18 year old girls, and that learning to relax a bit (OK - quite a bit) on schedules and consulting her before making plans that include her will really help.

But on the credit card issue, I'm with the others. If it's for 'emergencies only', even the best sale in the world doesn't quite qualify.

-Per SD's tardiness on recent country drive: If she was your biological daughter (or your mother, or your sister, or even just your friend), this one-time instance of lateness on SDs part would be at most an irritation for the duration of the ride to the destination. You wouldn't still be remembering it, probably even not by the end of that day. It wasn't personal against you. Don't take it that way. You'll spare yourself a lot of tension in the long-run if you let it go. Sounds like this was just an isolated incident, due to misunderstanding, not necessarily a habit. Or is it? If so, this is something that DH can maybe talk to her about and try to reach understandings & arrangements such as separate cars so no one is held up by anyone else The suggestions by popi and Ima about giving her an earlier departure time is smart. Seems to help in situations where lateness is habitually an issue (my stepdad sometimes does this with my mom!). And of course, more than 45 minutes notice helps too.

-Credit card: Kathline raises an excellent idea about *Dad* (not you) sitting SD down for a caring, informative talk about the responsibilities of a credit card and starting her off with a low-limit one of her own to learn how to handle it. This way her charges donÂt reflect on his credit rating (which in turn is tied up with your credit/purchasing power, as a married couple). And this way, you donÂt actually have to be faced with the facts of how itÂs going down with DH, SD & credit cards unless you actively insert your nose into it.

And popiÂs advice to keep your priorities straight and pick your battles is wise too. Try to bear in mind the following:

-Timing-wise, with her being 18 and you being new on the scene, you have limited say in certain ground rules and in financial arrangements between DH and his daughter. Not that you arenÂt entitled to your opinion, or that you canÂt express your feelings to DH, but you really canÂt expect to lay down the law to SD. If you insist on doing so anyway, expect a burning bridge to crash down around you, with massively increased tensions between not only you & SD but you & DH as well. You may win a battle but the war will rage on for years. With no winners and plenty of losses all around.

-You want to build a nice positive trusting relationship with SD. This requires learning to let things roll off your back. (To be fair, SD will probably find that she needs to do the same.) If you ever find yourself pecking around for things to be upset at her about, and then stewing about it and holding a grudge forever, ask yourself why youÂre doing so, and whether it helps anything for anyone.

-When you phrase the current conflict to yourself like: "I'm very worried about the tole [SD's] presence is taking on the relationship", youÂre setting up a selective and not-fully-accurate perspective on the situation. Not only is that unfair to her, but it also blocks off awareness of more relevant factors which a shifted focus on may bring about actual solutions. A more accurate statement might be: "When I married my DH, I was not expecting that his 18-year-old daughter would be living with us, nor that she would have a 2-hour daily beauty routine I'd have to work around. However, I understand that for various reasons DH has decided, as her parent, that she should live here a while and that sometimes circumstances come up that parents or stepparents didnÂt anticipate. Now that she is here, I feel we need to have more dialogue about various expectations so nobody is confused, disappointed, or feeling powerless." As well as: "Our mutual inability (me, DH & SD) to come to certain understandings and agreements on various circumstances related to the living-together situation is causing some tension and misunderstandings and needs to be clarified further."

Incidentally, SDÂs statement to herself would be more-or-less identical to this, except the first part would be: "When I was born, I didnÂt expect my parents to divorce. I didnÂt expect at 18 that I would have a new stepmother, and I didnÂt expect that I would need to move in with Dad for a while b/c of circumstances and in so doing have to deal with the new presence of said stepmother who wants things done her way. But heÂs my parent, and this is the situation as heÂs chosen it, so we have to all figure out how to make it work harmoniously."

This way there is a focus for your feelings of unease (and hers) that has a goal and a workable set of solutions, and that doesnÂt make your SD (or you) into a lone lightning rod for the communication issues between all 3 of you.

I once left for a family party by myself because it was an hour away and we were already late and DD just would not get ready, so i left. It wasn't like I was punishing her, I just could not wait anymore. i think unless it is a doctor's appointment or emergency it is appropriate sometimes leave without waiting for teens to get ready. This is not particualrly stepfamily issue, it is excatly the same issue with biokids (some of them at least haha). In fact it is not even age issue, it is something about personalities. My brother and SIL were never on time in their entire life. DD was late for flight oversees, so being late for outings is not a big deal in comparison. haha

As about your SD, maybe she didn't want to go antiquing wiht parents( who would at age 18?)so she deliberatelly dragged her time hoping you will leave. Or she was mad you make her go, so she would pay you back by being late.

I suppose I should have provided more background info: BF and SD have never lived together...the divorce happened when she was an infant. So to Serenty's comment, "-Timing-wise, with her being 18 and you being new on the scene, you have limited say in certain ground rules and in financial arrangements between DH and his daughter. Not that you arent entitled to your opinion, or that you cant express your feelings to DH, but you really cant expect to lay down the law to SD." ............ there are no ground rules...they've only ever had vacations together so I do have considerable latitude in setting up the ground rules as it is a new situation for everyone. SO it isn't like they've had a set way of doing things and I am new to the scene. We are all new to the scene.

Anyway, the issue is really between my husband and me and learning to navigate between us. She's an ideal kid in many ways. It is more about our communication I think.

Thanks all.

Consistently being late is rude, self-centered, and narcissistic. The person who is always late is saying to everyone, "I am the most important thing. Everyone else will wait on me. There is nothing that could possibly be more important than what I am doing right now instead of heading out the door on time."

Excessive tardiness is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I have left alone, without DH, for many a family occassion and made him drive seperately. Also, in my work, if you schedule me for 9:00, I will charge you from 9:00 on no matter what time you show up, and if you call after the fact to cancel, I will charge you for 3 hours.

I've noticed that punctuality is a fading virtue in people. What a shame. (End of my rant.)

Okay, I admit it!! I am a consistantly late person. I don't know what it is. I swear it is a mental block or some force of nature that prevents me from being on time sometimes. And, to make matters worse... I hate being late ... it stresses me out. But, no matter what ... I have gotten up hours early to make sure I am there on time and woops there is a massive accident on the interstate... it never fails. It is at the point that when friends have called me needing my help or to come over... they will say a time but expect me at another. They joke "She may be late but she will always be there for you"

I personally wouldnt take tardiness from an 18 year old as that big a deal... I would however, make it clear for future engagements what time you are walking out the door well in advance... Like the night before. And if all parties aren't ready then all parties aren't going.

I guess I still need a better idea of what is motivating DH. Is he committed to paying for SDs college, and is less expensive for her to stay at home? Whose idea was the antiqueing trip? Whose idea that SD go along? There might be different expectations here.

He's paying for everything for both children, as he always has including all college expenses. There is no option for dormitories as this school doesn't have any and the school itself is on the high side of very expensive, even for a private school. Anyway, SD loves flea markets, antiquing and thrift shops so DH thought it would be the perfect family outing...which is why he did not want to leave without her. I completely understand that.

To me, it isn't about her being late so much as it is about the dynamic between DH and I-- that I have expectations of the kids behavior and he hates to confront the kids for any reason, even if they're being (in my opionion) rude... Mostly they are very, exceedingly polite, but in this case, 40 minutes is excessive.

Eh, anyway... there you have it. Thanks again.

Custodial or not, DH has been your SD's father for 18 years. When I said "you're new to the scene", I just meant relative to the parent-child relationship they've had for 18 years. But yes, you are right, the three of you living together is new for everyone. And yes, as such, it means that everyone, including you, has a right to have their input on deciding mutually satisfactory boundaries so everyone can be comfortable with the living arrangements. Examples of such boundaries might include chore lists, agreed-upon length of time SD lives there, working out bathroom schedules, providing a polite amount of notice to all parties when making plans, lowering volume on tv's/stereo after a certain hour (or wearing headphones), meal planning that takes everyone's tastes into account, etc. Things pertinent to sharing a living space, obviously, need to be worked out where everyone has a say and agrees to the terms, which need to be fair and respectful all around.

When I said "ground rules/financial arrangements", I wasn't so much talking about things that everyone agrees on per this new living-together situation in particular but longer-standing decisions that pre-date you and that may be viewed as separate from the specific circumstance of living together. The kinds of things a parent (not a new step-parent) makes decisions on. The main example you gave of an area such as this where you seemed to want to make rules (the credit card) has little to do with the living-together scenario. Of course, it may be argued that if the girl was driving the charges up to the stratosphere it could affect the ability of you & DH to pay household expenses. But what are we talking about, a $20 bookbag here, a $30 pair of boots there? Yes it adds up, but unless she's up there in the triple digits every month it's not going to throw you all out on the street. In any event, that problem is very simply solved by SD getting her own card as described by Kathline's suggestions. YOU personally don't have to give her a penny or any assistance of any kind if you don't wish to. But whether DH does or not is up to him, as her father.

I question the relevance of what you seem to think is such a deciding factor here: "they've only ever had vacations together". Especially now that the living situation is full-time. Also not sure how their past visitation schedule gives you *more* of a say in agreements between the two of them that don't really affect you. Or how you being new SP gives you more "latitude" than if you had been an SP (custodial or non-custodial) going back many years. I'm not totally sure how you've reasoned all this out, but I can assure you that DH and SD don't share your perception of their relationship as limited to "sharing vacations". Persist in minimizing it in this way and laying down laws if you wish, but don't be surprised when stress & resentment start multiplying exponentially, all around. I mean this, truly, as a *friendly* bit of advice. Some of the things I'm saying sound harsh, but seriously, this is how things can degenerate amongst otherwise well-meaning but inexperienced stepfamily members. I'm just saying pick your battles, that's all. In the long-run, you really will be glad you did. I say this not only having been an SD but also with empathy for SP's who can't fathom how things turned out so bad and have to deal with a mess of resentment that can't really be un-done after the fact... all based on, as you aptly said, "differing expectations" and being unaware of the perspective of the other parties...

Hi daisy,

Lol, my SD does this all the time. She does it to get a rise with her father and tried with me as well but it backfired on her...heehehe...i basically left without the entire family. Left her dad and her and my SS at home. I went out , did my thing and came home later that night. This is before i had my son. needless to say they were all pist off at me. Mostly stepdaughter. Ss really couldnt' care less and my Dh at the time was actually glad in the end he didn't have to drive me around ..i took off with bus and metro. I clearly stated to all that when we agree we are leaving at so so time , we leave. I will not wait for anyone to fix themselves up and get themselves ready when they had plenty of time to do so earlier when they woke up. Your loss , not mine. Next time be on time or lose out again.
THat was a first and final lesson to SD to stop playing games with that circumstance.
Unfortunatley her fahter is the same when it comes to time and being on time. So i don't really blame her , i blame her father for teaching her that. She now screams at her father to be ready and on time:)
There are things i like about my SD and other i dont. I'm glad i dont deal with her on a daily basis , she is now going through her teen years and basically is a rude snot at times but mostly towards her fahter. I've heard she does this to her mom yesterday. (her mom told her to F off...dont know if that is a great parent skill but we all tend to say things we shouldnt' when we are pist off!)
I'm not looking forward to dealing with my own sons teenage years.! Thank God thats another 12 more years to go!ehehhehheh.
Listen, Relax , dont be pist off at her or your DH. i notice most men are not on time, dont keep track of time and dont' really care. Its more a woman thing and more a person who is organized as well. I tend to plan things and go at it with the clock. If you realy have to leave at a certain time, do what i did, leave without them and go enjoy yourself without having ot have someone sulk at you or you being steamed to begin with. JUST LEAVE WITHOUT THEM! Trust me , they'll catch on. Tell your DH, sorry can't be late. If you or your daughter need more time, meet me at so and so place when your ready. Buy!
Very simple. Dotn stress yourself out.

Sounds like a power struggle emerging. It is only gonna to get worse for you if your husband doesn't support you and especially on a long term living basis.

Your stepdaughter is an adult now. Maybe she was grumpy that you and her dad had made decisions for the day without involving her until just 45 minutes before. The amount of time spent on getting ready for the day has nothing to do with anything.

Next time you could ask her a few days in advance if going out to flea markets is even something she would be interested in doing. If everyone wants to go, then say, ok let's be ready to leave by ten to avoid, heavy traffic, crowds, etc. IF after that daughter still isn't ready to go, leave without her. Hopefully you have more than one bathroom.

But, no matter what, the pecking order in the home has to be established and agreed upon.

IF daughter always gets her way, I guess you would have to say you are the third wheel there. If your needs and wants always come last you have to ask yourself, is that how I want to spend my life for even four years?

I went to see a family therapist today regarding this situation and she asked me why do I consider myself (and my anger) the problem when a dysfunctional relationship (DH & SD) was dumped in my lap.... that they have never healed their relationship of emotional abandonment and now I am having to deal with all of it. I thought it was an interesting perspective.