OMG .....I can't take it anymore! Daughter is a slob!
I believe that this is the first problem that I have asked for help about since I came to this site. I have finally lost my temper and given my 20 year old daughter the boot out if she doesn't clean up her act. I mean "literally clean up her act." She is the biggest slob that I have ever met. I've seen em on Oprah and Dr. Phil but this is the first real life person that I have ever met that is this bad.
This is going to be a long one, laced with sarcasm and hurt and anger. I have lived with this child being this way for about 10 years and tonight I called her and told her that she had a limited amount of time to get her shet together or she was out of here. Her cat too.
I have a disability that prevents me from doing anything at times. It is a very painful sciatic nerve disorder and I have had it for about 11 years. I think that the pain and the meds are two of the main reasons that I have not taken care of this sooner. I think she has taken advantage of that. I have trouble following through with things, get blind sided with the pain and forget about chore situations. She has had her bedroom in the basement since she was 10 and sometimes I can't even go up and down the stairs for days at a time. Hence, not checking to see if she has done what I have told her too.
Tonight I go downstairs to do a load of laundry. At the bottom of the stairs is the cat box. There is vomit or excrement in front of it. It has been there for 2 days. Her bedroom door is open and I can see that you can't even see her floor. There is trash, clothing, dirty dishes, you name it, it is there. I have been giving her deadlines and trying to help her get this done. She is in school full time and works part time. I have not wanted it to come to this but when I called her BF to see if she was there and he told me that she was at a movie with her girl friends I blew. I called her, no answer, she called back and I dropped the bomb. GET IT ALL CLEANED UP NOW OR GET OUT. IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF THE CAT'S BOX AND VOMIT IT GOES TO THE POUND. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU LIVE WITH YOUR BOY FRIEND, YOU ARE OUT OF HERE. The last sentence is a biggie for me because, as some of you know, my religious beliefs don't support that but........too bad.....I'm fed up. When I get really mad all bets are off.
DD has an excellent GPA. She managed a subway at 17 years of age and another store after that job. She can do it if she wants to. Why would she disrespect me so? Other than this issue she is such a good kid! We have a great relationship outside of this "dirty" little secret.
Maybe this is what it will take for her to clean her room. I have offered to help her, offered to do it myself when I felt good. It isn't like I'm being unreasonable about it. At least I don't think so.
Now my DS16 just came home with tales of his GF's SF who is a drinker, being an a$$ tonight. Evidently he is off to jail tomorrow for leaving the scene of an accident. DS16 is afraid that GF's SD hurt her after he left. DS16 has been sitting on the end of our bed talking to us about it and crying. WTH?
Well, there you have it. I have vented and I feel better. I can see what I should have done years ago but what do I do now? I want her to finish school. I know that she is stressed with her school and work load but if I rented to her I'd evict her behind. Have you guys ever dealt with this kind of thing? Could this be a deep psychological thing with her?
diggerb214 years agolast modified: 8 years ago
i'm glad things are better for you and your dd. sorry she and her bf split.
in a few yrs she'll be out of your house so enjoy it while you can. but still i'd set some rules of acceptable behavior:
the dishes and silverware and glasses need to come back to the kitchen to get cleaned. the next day is ok, but why doesn't she eat with you and visit?
send your son to collect trash bag from the bathroom/bedroom/laundry room every week. expect them to be used.
close her bedroom door-- if her clothes are messy/dirty
its her problem.
a weekly/everytwo week bathroon cleaning is enough. but she needs to limit her samples she bringing home or share!!
and as you've noted having storage space helps.
mzdee14 years agolast modified: 8 years ago
All I could say after reading the initial post was "wow." I'm living with the same thing right now. A 27 year old daughter and I'm sorry, I don't care what you say, it is nasty and trifling.
I'm tired of it. My home is my investment. I worked hard for it and nasty habits invite vermin into my home. It shows a lack of respect for my home and for herself. Who the heck does that? Get dressed every day, lip gloss, the works and lives in absolute filth.
Its time to go. She has a job and needs her own space to abuse. I'm too old for this crap. Humans are the only species who try to keep adult offspring around. This is not what God intended and it is time to shake up the nest.
I can't take much more
QComments (3)My heart breaks for you. I've been married for a year and my husband's daughter (32) and son (37) hate me and shun us. They don't even know me. It's been so sad. Then recently, I said to my husband, "If I'd had to live in the same house with them, it would have been a nightmare! And your ex is in another state (and they don't speak to her, either), so I really have it very easy." What I'm hearing is that you need space from the stress. I do think the last entry is correct - it's time for the adult children to find their own homes - and change the locks, which I am in the process of doing, myself, because even though we don't live in the family home, the stepkids think they can walk in at any time! If there is no repect, they have no right being in the parental home. No matter what, it is always hard for adult women to share a home. And children do not become adults until they leave. I hope your husband will support you in this. I work in a coporate setting where a number of young women have children to raise alone, and they find all sorts of assistance, through the company and otherwise. Perhaps you could quietly research what's available for the daughter. In the process you might find out resources for yourself, as well. At the very least, you need to have some rest - a space of your own in the home. Chronic money problems are grinding. So many adult women in your home and your feeling disrespected is for crazy-making. You must have support from your husband with all of the women. You must work as a united team. We can't make people treat us with respect, but we can make them live with the repurcussions....See More
I dont know how to handle my step daughter anymore
QComments (8)I think your header "I don't know how to handle my stepdaughter anymore", says a lot here when one then continues to read on. --"he reckons i should forgive her and move on"-- --"he is putting me under pressure to just be there for him and support him"-- --"has been told that she needs psychiatric help which her mother refuses to believe. Two counsellors have said this but she still wont listen".-- --"it just seems like her father is burying his head in the sand "-- --"i feel like i am been pressurised by him and his ex wife to change my feelings to do things i dont want to do i cant do it anymore."-- If these parents, both mom and dad, can not and will not help this girl, how do they expect you to? Pretend it's not happening? Forgive her? Hello? You're not the one with the problem and it would seem no one but you want to make it any better for anyone and especially not the girl. If Mom won't, Dad needs to get this girl into the recommended psychiatric help problems she needs. A full mental and physical eval. This girl is on a self destruction course which may have mental and/or physical underlings and it seems mom nor dad are taking it seriously. At the rate of what's been going on this girl is half a step away from being in serious trouble, danger, or worse. I think you need to tell your DH that the only way you can help and be supportive of him is when he finds the courage to do the right thing by his daughter and that must include seeking out whatever help and in whatever way the professionals lay out to get this girl treated and hopefully turned around. Mom and dad's denial just may end up costing the two of them their daughter in a very final way. Good luck to you, but remember 'you' can't help or handle the 3 of them if they don't want to be helped. "Forgiving' the girl and her actions/behavior does no good if nothing is done to help this girl get the help and support she really needs....See More
QComments (108)GEorge my dear boy...ThankYou. ..yes that's my model #..so we know it was built last month...I have decided Sins right I'm better off replacing the front panel since this machine does appear new, and is working flawlessly...I almost want to whisper that so the laundry demons don't get wind of it. Cathy, I'm sorry your having problems with your dryer, its hard enough when we have to deal with a broken appliance, but than we have to deal with dealers and manufactures that are broken. Everyone here will help you the best they can, as you can see this is a wonderful and helpful group of folks. There's one reason my machine was boxed this way..some idiot at the factory could have been told about his mess ups in damaging the goods, so he had it boxed this way....its also possiable that it hasn't been touched up..its hard to tell for sure, so maybe delivery did it...also I posted a pic of the box...but that could have been the back..maybe both sides of the box are printed the same and maybe the other side of the box is damaged. . I'll have to look closely at the pic and see if it says front or back. I'm just glad this is comming to an end. .lol I thank all of you for your support and advice.. ((HUGS))) To you all....See More
I can't take it anymore! (Kitchen countertop clutter ...)
QComments (69)Wow, I never expected so many responses! Thank you all. Admittedly, this is a minor dilemma but it's still one that affects the aesthetics of my home and I appreciate the understanding in that regard. DH and I do not have traditional roles and the fact that he does the majority of the "domestic engineering" does afford him some leeway. However, we both agreed when we purchased our home that we intended to keep clutter to a minimum. To that end, I spent a good deal of time this past weekend reorganizing and removing/rearranging some of the decorative items. He and I also discussed renewing our efforts to keep clutter to a minimum. It's all too easy to let it pile up and after awhile it tends to become a part of the scene for some people. We renewed our intent to guard against that. rgrs, you asked if I'd ever come up with something to hold the remotes, and I did find something tucked away in the china cabinet that's working very well! It's an antique soup tureen, which may seem like an odd thing to use, but I think it's lovely to look at and it's the perfect size to hold two or three remotes....See More
Parriskat_yahoo_com11 years agolast modified: 8 years ago
I am so frustrated with my grown daughter, out of this sheer frustration I did a search regarding this slob issue and foundthis blog. My daughter is doing some if the same things. The cat found a new home I couldnt take it. My frustration has turned into a pure anger full of rage. Tonight my daughter fed my granddaughter and left the mess which I did not notice until I started to go to bed. As I walked through my house and began the nightly routine of picking things up I became very angry. I too am a diabetic, I have made drastic changes to my lifestyle to control my blood sugar without Meds but lately my sugar has been higher than usual. I know the stress of this situation is causing this and the stiff neck I am currently dealing with. I am not proud of what I did tonight but my anger got the best of me. After picking up the living room, kitchen and bathroom putting laundry in the washer I arrived at the dining room and began picking up the dishes and highchair tray ect. As I was putting the tray on the highchair it would not fasten so I started slamming it on the chair over and over my anger obviously out of control. My daughter had the nerve to ask what I was doing and chastising me for disturbing the baby. I thought oh it's ok for your baby to live in your filth but it's improper for me to get angry in my own house. I am so over this, I haves really hard for my beautiful home. She is destroying it daily. Yesterday she got hair color all over my expensive bath rugs. She was to lazy to move them. I have told her she needs to get her own place. She says she can't afford to live on her own that is a joke. Fast food new toys for baby movie rentals clothes etc etc etc spoiled disrespectful and only cares about herself. I can not believe this is my child. I am at the age that I want to enjoy my life in peace and quiet. Is it too much to ask to respect my home and keep it clean as well as being careful with my household items that were costly. I mean I waited till they were grown before I bought anything really nice. Now that she has moved back in I am ready to toss her out. The baby is her only saving grace right now. I totally feel your pain. Frustrated in Indiana.
roses5511 years agolast modified: 8 years ago
I have read through all the posts, and while it is an old post, am glad that Kathy posted recently. I am going to write a bit, seeing as I just need a venting area and these posts set me to lots of thoughts. So hope you all understand.
The biggest suggestion I have: -----make firm clear boundaries and guides BEFORE they move back in. And stick to them. Have very little flexibility at first. The first 3 weeks are the most critical. Then one can set a bit of relaxing at times so that the adult child will know the guides and patterns and understand exceptions. Shame but it becomes like treating them like children. But it must be done or the problems will happen. My daughters are now 21 and 25 and a story in itself. I commiserate from different and similar perspectives. My eldest daughter was in the slob habits. Some can be attributed to a very busy activity and school schedule. But much is a constant voicing that : " other kids are doing it, and even my husband (her father) turning on me saying that other kids (teen and adults)rooms are like that too." ?!! Yikes.
Problems to consider:
1. This day and age of overindulged children/teens, young adults.
2. Adult children staying home longer.
3. This generation having way more privileges and "things" in their rooms.
4. Some problems come from the constant drumming society/media (t.v. movies, magazines) and yes even teachers - telling parents that kids have more rights than parents. e.g. had one teacher tell me that my 11 year old daughter had rights to her own life and thoughts and did not have to listen to the parent? Um,??? no, the child has to listen to the teacher's concepts but - not the parent who is spending mega hours and money and energy on raising the child? Yes, true story. This went into other levels in our children�s activities.
6. Other issues arise when parents are not in agreement with each other how to parent. Which can get very bad when kids know how to "play" the overindulgent parent. And that parent then undermines the parent who is willing to WORK at raising children.
Oiy. One cannot make light of it. This generation for the most part has grown up to believe we OWE them a privileged (waited on ) lifestyle. Unfortunately, there are many obstacles to parent as we were once parented.
I do not ever advocate spanking to raise children. But the basics of gritting teeth while they pout when doing chores or balking is necessary when they are young. Or making chore lists and fun out of work - works too. It does not hurt a child (even a grown one) to learn how to care for THEMSELVES and do basics. But most children - teens usually require a parent working alongside them. Adults should not.
It does HURT a child/teen and eventually adult - to NOT learn to care for themselves and take on more responsibilities. Who likes housework or the knowledge that cleaning up is a never ending cycle?
But as Kathy, the last poster mentioned. We created a beautiful home. Worked since age 17 and renovated homes and then built our custom home in out late 40�s. Hard work almost daily in many respects. That is something that is GOOD for a person. WORK before PLAY was our motto and it should be for children too. We work, then play. Work, play, community work and so forth. Movies - do NOT happen with slob like rooms happening. But�my husband (when we were separated) allowed our girls to do whatever they wanted and did not enforce rules or guides. So eventually they played and no work was done.
So the first poster gets upset her daughter is at movies and her "LIFE" is actually totally obliterated. No wonder she is seeing red. What kind of life is that? A chaotic and wild life. (My eldest was like this many times).
I had hard issues with our eldest because my husband (her dad) undermined most of my efforts and that was and still is a huge issue in our lives. Yet this daughter was a great kid growing up. IT was a brief separation with her dad and I that caused the breakdown in my parenting authority. This daughter is angry and gone - angry at me her mom, not her dad. This would have been solved long ago, if he had not overnindulged her and made it seem as if she was hard done by to respect our home and her belongings in our home. Which was only one issue.
My youngest - I caught on time. And she is happy - I say what I mean, mean what I say and do it without being mean. She is grateful to live in a beautiful home and have meals, and be able to SAVE money for school and HER life. We only ask for our home and persons to be "respected". That is NOT too much to ask. And if anyone thinks it is? They have PROBlEMS - big time.
It does NOT serve them to let them be slobs as adults in ones home. It is SLOTH - which is a deadly sin if one thinks about it. Because it is negligent of ONESELF and belongings which leads to apathy and waste in ALL ways. Emotional, physical, intellectual, social and spiritual. Mild slobbishness, is not what I am talking about. The author of this thread has described a young woman who is in real chaos in all ways. But it can be worked out as she is attempting, but it will rear up again. At 20 years old? that means it is already pattern setting and becoming chronic. But another poster mentioned their is hope eventually.
But in ones own home, there are limits. It is very critical to set boundaries and communicate clearly when adult children come home for summer to work between University or when they move home for any reason after having set out on their own. We had no one handing us anything as kids or young adults and that can be a GOOD thing. We have respect and pride in our home and accomplishments. Many of these adult children who are NOT pulling their weight are NOT happy and the emotional and psychological problems are very telling of this generation.
Work, we NEED to work. IF we do not, we are NOT fulfilling all our basic needs as a human. Then a person is unfulfilled and searching and blaming others. Nothing replaces working for ourselves and stepping back and knowing we did it. Can we relax if things get messy or behind and not worry? of course. But don�t let it hang on too long. It is our home for peace, harmony and organization so one can find things, not waste and actually ENJOY ones home. So one knows the home does not have foodstuffs or messes that could cause problems.
We (the obstacles I mentioned above) - this society is taking AWAY - that need and feeling of satisfaction for our younger generation. It is NOT the parents obligation to be the KEEPERS of our children when they are adults. But that is exactly the expectation it seems of our grown children. When we don�t do it? They stomp, yell, get angry or shut us out of their lives? That is 2 year old behaviour and blackmail in place of genuine love we are providing.
My mom told us kids when we left, don�t come back home to live - but we could "visit" - for the day or so. (She had 7 children - I left at age 17). That is NOT a bad thing at times. It forces kids to GROW up.
I am not saying things are swimmingly for me, but my University student daughter who lives with us for 4 months a year - is great. The eldest? Well, she lives far away, but is still very angry with me, for other reasons in addition to my rule of not allowing disharmony/disrespect and my home to be destroyed. (Something similar to original posters daughter was occurring).
Here is a thought: If we do things with resentment - it is NOT counted for our soul or well being, nor for our childrens well being. So if we grudge through things that are intolerable? We are doing no favour for us or them.
Collaboration only goes so far when it is ONES own home and the adult children are now in effect "guests" but family guests. I hope all the best to you all.
suemesz7 years ago
I don't think the deeper psychological reason for this has been addressed. It's not so much about the homeowners rights, of course we have the right to chose who lives in the home. I think it's more about the WHY chose the chaos!
1wantin7 years ago
Wow, just wow at reading all of this. My DD is a slob, I understand the frustrations mentioned here, and I am trying to understand the defensive perspectives provided too. However, accepting them is difficult for me.
One's home should be a refuge; and child or not, one should not be "encouraged" to tolerate the unsanitary aspects of being a slob. Feces and bodywaste not properly disposed of is a blatant sign of disrespect >.< "period. Case and point....the original poster's daughter manages a restaurant and KNOWS that that kind of crap would make them flunk inspection, she'd be out of a job, and the place would be shut down; YET she ignores her mother's plea to keep reasonable standards at home? DISRESPECT!!!!
I have one of those, and I am climbing the walls as I type. As an adolescent with a pet ferret I had pyrimids of feces piled in her room because she wouldn't clean. I evicted her from the basement and put her room right across the hall from mine and DARED her to let the "stuff" pile up. Fastforward 15 years, and now she has kids of her own....the problem still exists but THIS is her home; it can't exist and won't be tolerated on my dime.
Regarding fracturing relationships; and healthy boundaries......, and picking your battles. That's tuff. Again, if it's my home it will be sanitary; if it's her home....I AM NOT lifting a f'n finger till everybody is engaged in cleaning.
1wantin7 years ago
To complete my post. I am visiting my DD and her family overseas. A 60 day visit mind you! I am a guest in their home, and in this very restrictive country. NO ONE younger than me feels the need to tidy up; there's writing on walls, pee all around and on the toilet, toothpaste stains for days in the sink and on the handles (one must clean the toilet if they want to sit), pillows are played with and thrown all over the house which in-turn get stepped/walked; the GS's undress where ever they feel like it and the clothing remains there; dishes get piled to the faucet spicket........ and GS1 & GS2 will refuse to do anything that is suggested, DD would rather take them out for toys or food than lift a finger; SIL doesn't pick-up things either.
My visit is winding down and I am the only one that has cleaned a floor (mop/vacuum/sweep) with less than 14 days left on this visit I too have stopped any attempt to keep the kitchen clean; I politely stay in the guest room which I keep clean and let them fester in the clutter; if I want to sit in a clutter free environment I go to the gym or ladies center.
I had to remember that this is not about (DD or SIL) being overwhelmed, THIS is a long held disregard for cleanliness; and the GS's are being reared with the same "shallowness". PROBLEM: now how do I tell her that they CAN NOT be this gosh Darn messy when visiting me at my home...without starting WWIII ? Must I put up with disrespect and inconsiderate behavior's just to have a dismal (repeated behavior) relationship with my grands? REALLY?
Oh Yeah they used to have a maid to come in weekly, but she quit the 2nd week I was here; they don't bother to clean in between visits. That was her 2nd visit, the one before that quit too. CLEANING services are not effective if the MESSY FOLKS do NOTHING for themselves. NOTHING but take showers......
(I ran across this forum whilst searching of info on how to deal with my frustrations; good stuff and thanks to everyone for sharing; when you look at these messes in your home you feel as though you are the only one with this "Dirty Little Secret" and it is very offputting; Its good to reach out to an understanding audience and hear both sides)
sara_hubmannn7 years ago
18 year old slob daughter here. So strange that all of the parents are here. Most likely the culprit is ADHD, depression, or a ( dare I say it) lack of proper structure. For me, it was a mix of all. It dissapoints me that some parents don't take any liability for the way their children act. 20 years old. 2 years ago she just became legally responsible. 5 years ago just started high school. 10 years ago when you say it started she was probably hoarding barbies along with her plethora of filthy dishes. Now that she is of age you will kick her out for the same problem she had at 10? For an issue that has been embedded in her existance even from childhood? A habit that was more nuisance than alarming which turns a mother's gentle care into a raging fit of indifference. Then no longer she is your child but a road block. I know this post is many years old but it is still being read. Don't let bitterness turn your support into an ultimatum. Me and my mom's relationship is to the point where even if I personally want to change, I hold so much resentment and hopelessness to pull through with it. I will give you a tip. Motivation. Buy her a new hamper or storage for her things. Maybe a new lamp or rug. Make her excited to transform her room. No judgement in the process. Not a word but support. After? Develop a close relationship. Come in to talk to her sometimes, offer to make dinner so the dishes stay downstairs. Build a routine where she can no longer hide and burrow into the depths of her room. Convince her to light a fragrance and keep the door open to air the room out. With an open door she will be more aware. She needs a listener, supporter but most of all structure. It's soul training, confidence building, everyday business. Throw away deadlines or ultimatum and throw in some time and effort. Ego walls down. I know it's hard to listen to your own daughter when you feel you are the magnitude of her existance. So please, listen to someone elses.
popi_gw7 years ago
Some really nice suggestions there Sarah.
And7 years ago
Tell her that if you come home to the house a mess with her stuff, then it will be thrown out on the lawn and she will have to go through it all. My mom did that to me, and i have never been messy since!
stir_fryi SE Mich7 years ago
Tell her either you clean the bathroom or I do it and I charge you for it ($25 seems fair).
duetddq6 years ago
Cleaning Rent. Free rent as long as room stays acceptable, otherwise charge for messy room space. Then use that money to hire a cleaning service. However, cat litter and food is NO. My messy ds is not allowed food in his room, no if and or buts about it. No food and any room but kitchen/dining areas.
mzdee6 years ago
This is soooo interesting. I posted my woes here years ago. To the theories of mental disorders etc. with all due respect I say hooey. DS is about to turn 35 and has her own place. She does not pick up after herself. What she does do is get a cleaning service when it gets to where she can't stand it. She never hit this point living under my roof. Why? Because it was my roof. So mental disorder? No. Lack of respect for my space. Lazy. Self centered. I could go on. I don't regret one moment of throwing down the gauntlet.
Tmnca6 years ago
She is working PT AND a FT student, that's a very stressful workload.
mzdee6 years agoWe are the only species that keeps our brood with us long term. Eagles remove feathers from the nest making it a bit uncomfortable as the eaglets develop feathers. I think they are on to something. Stress is something that we all have to deal with. If we are fortunate we learn the correct responses early on. That being said we all love differently. What is important is that we love.
Pink Withsprinkles6 years agolast modified: 6 years ago
I dig this topic. Believer's post now 8 years ago really felt like a dopilganger of my life. Back injury belongs to my husband - slob 20 year old daughter with toddler. Love the Lord, love my husband, love my kids (all of them) !! I work a lot and long hours. Head of household etc. want a cleaning lady!! Can't afford it. Anyway, it's the yucky stuff that's tough for me to stomach. Health hazard issues (won't go into the gorier detail: all dirty secrets mentioned same in all postings above).
I consider myself a rather patient, empathetic and understanding parent and wife. Lean back on God mostly and in human error get explosively angry when it eventually comes out of me (about twice a year). That recently happened. I lit into my daughter and completely lost my temper which promptly resulted into me giving hell to my hubby.
Im not a step back and get mad then do nothing about it person. I take full accountability for my actions and know I have the right to have complete control over my thoughts and emotions. You bet I will apologize then search for a solution. I will try anything once to see if it will work. I've done it all...1. Compassionate conversations around health hazards. 2. "Whipping day" - didn't call it this (wish I had) with three warnings and dates marked in the calendar 3. Work together on the mess 4. Charged rent (til she lost her job (s)) 5. Therapy - lol I laugh but seriously it's scary how out of control it is. Note: I love the red waste basket Idea and only wish I would have done this.
Then finally the ultimatum. Can't do this any more with you - get out. This was the day I lost my patience. It took me three days to get right in the head before I could sit down and think about what the root cause is and how I need to figure this out or risk loosing my relationship with my daughter.
Sarah is right - when i am sane I agree with her thought process. In truth I have always thought that my daughters action have a ton to do with stress, depression, anxiety and wow on the comment about being this way for 10 years - now I should expect her to change? Amen! Absolutely right. This is something in my daughter that is just who she is. I have hope but know she will probably always have this as a characteristic of herself.
So after much thinking and trying to find acceptance - I literally sat down and wrote out a time line of events to try to figure out the root cause but more importantly what I can and can't change. Having a conversation with my daughter to try to figure it doesn't work. My daughter tunes me out whenever I approach her with a conversation. Blank empty stare sitting still like she literally is def to anything I say ever. So if I showed her my personal exercise I know it would make no impact. So the root cause is her level of respect. It's not that she completely disrespects me personally, she has no appreciation for everything I have done for her or given to her. Not her fault. I have had this distorted idea that she has no respect based on how she treats her belongings, my belonging , her living environment. The reality is I have spent literally her life time giving her everything - wants, needs etc. I have sheltered her from the reality of cost and living hardship. I have made all her choices for her because I think I know what she needs. She has a strong independent personality in that she insists on learning the hard way and no one, not just me but literally no one can give her unsolicited advise. She has made up her mind she wants and will learn through trial and error. As a parent even as an adult I'm still trying to protect her and always will have the desire to do so.
In the heat of the moment during my breakdown and while we were screaming at each other she said something to me: " every time I'm with the baby you want to make decisions for her". What she meant was I intervene to much. Once we did talk several days later, she really meant everything, from getting the baby when she cries to purchasing all her clothing, belongings and needs. I said to her "do you have any idea what it costs for me to provide for you, your brother, T and your baby?" She said: "no actually I don't". Wow - an awaking for me. I realized yes it is true she doesn't have respect but what she doesn't respect is what I do for her and her child, my grand baby, to provide for them because she has been given everything and hasn't had the chance to understand what respect really means. By my own choice I take care of the baby so my daughter is not so stressed (this is what I had been telling myself - as a mom wanting to help my child, protect her from anxiety); I buy everything so she doesn't feel financial pressure while she is in college, raising a child and working part time. But man what an awaking- this isn't what she needs at all. What she needs is to solicit help from me when she has figured out she needs help and then she will learn respect. I can't assume she needs anything anymore. I need to set some healthy boundaries.
So I sat down and wrote her a letter and explained that I am here for her when she needs me. I explained that I realize it's time for me to back off and it's time for her to go figure out her life and how to live. I will stop assuming I know what she needs until she tells me and comes to me for my support. I told her i will now stop giving her everything she wants and help her only with her needs. I did tell her it's time for her to move out of the house because I have very specific rules and if she isn't going to follow them then she needs to be somewhere she can make up her own rules and have full autonomy over her adult independence. For her and I both this is a healthier arrangement. The other part I have learned is that in order to love her, I have to let her go. She needs a chance to face her failures and disappointments and I need to be there when she needs me and I will. I have a right to have rules in my own home. I have a right to decide what is tolerable and what isn't. I have earned my home and the right to have it cared for with respect but respect is A learning process and I can't teach her any longer. One day she will own her own home and she too will have earned the right to have her rules followed and she will want respect too.
It's only been a couple weeks since our big blow out. We are moving to a new home soon. Her hours got cut back at work and she now has has some decisions to make in terms of her living arrangement. I listen and if she asks for my advise I will give it - if not, I will only listen. I told her she has options with her living arrangements. My house comes with rules. For the record if she does move with us, I am warning her ahead of time of "whipping day". It's something she has to abide by. And when I whip all her belongings out every two weeks - what's gone she will have to replace on her own.
Thanks everyone for your posts. I will let you know how it goes.
PS - I will take unsolicited advise :)
mzdee6 years ago
So yeah. The thing is a mother never stops being a mother. If a grandchild is in your home there really is no window of opportunity to switch from mother to grandmother. I am totally guilty of doing exactly what you are doing as a grandmother. I just got it right this past summer. I pulled way back. It was hard! My gran missed some trips and didn't always get new clothes. When it was clear that my resources were being redirected his parents ponied up or dealt with his disappointment. I don't believe that it is our job or duty to give grown people options. Maybe it isn't their problem but ours for nor forcing them to act like responsible adults. My new mantra is "pretend I am not here" My mother's saying was "When it hurts enough you will deal with it." Children hold up in parents houses as a refuge from the world is not God's plan
Good luck with your move. Here is hoping that you are only taking with you the things that make you happy
Pink Withsprinkles6 years ago
Mzdee glad to see I am not alone with the grand baby situation. I completely understand where you are coming from right down to the "didn't always get new clothes" comment. It is soooooo hard pulling back. I'm determined to stay grounded by my decision though. God give us strength. I am very much looking forward to a healthy bonding grand parent relationship as my grandchild gets older as well as with my daughter. I would be curious to see how you are holding up and would love to hear what you have learned. My daughter is a really good mom. I have seen her commit and really hold her own on her beliefs and views. I admire that in a person. Especially when we got into our screaming match. She made some smart choices such as walking away instead of fueling the fire. She knew I was irrational and I wasn't snapping out of it any time soon so the smart move was to pick up her baby from day care and spend the night at her BFs house. Though I didn't agree with her (after all I was very upset). I admire her ability to find her inner calmness knowing that what was truly best for her child was to remove them both from me for the evening. I had a great sense of relief from her decision. After all the last thing I would want is my grandchild to see us at each other's throats and be present in an unhealthy environment. It was a smart choice. I mentioned to my daughter in the letter how I did feel proud of her for taking action.
Didnt stop me from being so mad I could spit fire for what started the fight to begin with: The disgusting garbage heap she had smeared, melted, soaked all over the car she drives ( I bought) which included brand new clothes for the baby and the redicously over priced stroller my friend and I purchased for her. No wonder I can't afford maid service (now that I think about it). It will be interesting to see how much money I am able to save now that I'm pulling back (which will go in the oh crud I'm in trouble fund when she "needs" it). In any case it's the straw that broke the camels back as the saying goes.
Note* I noticed believer mentioned that she sisnnt necessarily condone her daughter living with her BF just got so upset it didn't matter anymore. I also have the same strong beliefs and I also felt the same way in the heat of the moment. Her BF lives with an elder relative with like strong moral beliefs so they sleep in separate rooms if and when she stays with them. Her BF very much respects the rules in his home. That's a sigh of relief for me.
mzdee6 years agoThere is disrespect and there is abuse. Accepting that behaviour is a whole lot of things but it ain't love. Dirty feminine hygiene products???? I'm not judging but come on.
Le'onyx group5 years ago
They expect that you should allow it, after all it's in their room, wrong. I have three sons. Tell her she can keep it clean or pay 75.00 a week for a housekeeper to come in and do it. She will make an effort or move. Real life is more expensive than mom's.
SEC5 years ago
Believer, how are things now?
Audra Verela5 years ago
I realize this topic may be over for you, Believer, but I came here because I am the daughter that has the disaster area room. I'll tell you my story as briefly as I can so you can have a comprehensive view of my issue:
My mother was physically and emotionally abusive towards my brother and I. I started puberty at 8 and my body was changing but I was also gaining weight despite an active lifestyle and not changing my eating habits. My mother would come into the dressing room with me and if something didn't fit, she'd yell at me and hit me. She'd say things like boys don't like fat girls and you'll never get married and you'll be alone, do you want that? This went on until I was 12. She'd go off on one person and continue to the next. I told my parents when I was 12 I thought I had depression because there were come counselors that talked to us about the signs and I had them. My grandmother, the closest family member to me besides my brother and father, died only 3 weeks before 9/11, which I watched. I had also been sexually assaulted the year previous by a friend.
Turns out I had PCOS and I did in fact have major depressive disorder. I tried to kill myself and I cut myself often. It went away and I started college. My mother came to terms with her issues, apologized, and I forgave her. I truly do, and I love her. However, the summer after my first year of college, my left ulnar nerve (funny bone in layman's terms) became trapped and nerve pain is a pain that I can not even describe. It is all-encompassing and even the wind hurt. The water hitting anywhere on my left arm hurt. It just hurt. After a year of occupational therapy and meds I finally got the surgery. During that year I didn't keep my dorm or home rooms as clean as I liked since pain, and then a year recovering.
First semester of senior year the pain is back, I get the surgery again because the scar tissue from the first surgery was compressing the nerve. I was and still am taking 2700 mg of gabapentin a day for pain and migraines. That year I also started having panic attacks and didn't want to leave my room. From then on anxiety consumed me and now I have panic disorder with agoraphobia, major depressive disorder again, and PTSD. I had to drop out of grad school for medical leave and receive SSI and live when my parents at 27 years old.
Two years ago I was diagnosed with those things and my dad and I looked at each other and were like I thought I was just being lazy, not cleaning my room, letting trash just stay there as well as dirty dishes. Now my parents understand (and so do I) and that anxiety has lessened. I've cleaned my room multiple times but only do it in spurts. The pills I take (including gabapentin) make me tired and I sometimes pass out from them, or I'm in so much pain I don't have the strength to do anything.
If anyone, a parent or child or whoever struggles with this issue, that's my scenario. Talk to your doctor if you think you might have or just maybe could or are wondering about depression. You have to work through the stuff in your mind first before and real work can be done, because the problem will just keep happening. Know that this isn't done out of disrespect or anger or laziness (potentially). If you've never had depression then don't you dare think you know anything about how to handle this situation. Stop think about yourself and learn and help each other out. Get the harmful stuff out of the room first (dirty dishes, trash, etc.) and tell your person that you aren't disappointed or mad or ashamed for you, that you only love them and want to help them and you can help in this way. You won't be intrusive, you'll listen if your person needs a break and that means you get out of the room.
It will take a while, for both of you. If my family didn't support me emotionally like they do now, I would not be here to write this to you. So take a step back from yourself and think about what your person needs and how you can help them. Know that they don't like living in a trash heap any more than you like having one in your house. You can get through this together. <3
mzdee5 years ago
Thank you for sharing your story. I am truly glad that you and your family have found forgiveness and common ground. So the pain is manageable when dishes are brought into the space but too unbearable to take them out of the room? No need to answer. Your story belongs to you.
Sylvia Gordon5 years ago
What a passive aggressive snarky thing to say.
Jacky Sambolin5 years ago
I don't blame you believer. She is an adult and should know better. This is what happens when adult children come to live with their parents. It's a hard situation. I have my issues with my 22 year old. I keep having to tell him to throw out the trash. He's not paying rent, utilities, buying groceries...nothing. All he has to do is do things around the house. it gets frustrating because he's a grown @$$ man. it's embarrassing for him and for us to have give consequences for an adult???. My kid leaves dishes with food in them still. leaves the window open or unlocked...we had a burglary, and spends hours in the shower. I gave him this scenario about running a business. If you are paying someone to do something, it's because you want to focus on something else right? Why pay this person if you have to take time away from what your doing to see if this task is done? The point being is they need to give too. He's a great kid too. He came from a hard place. and he's doing well in school. But, this is enough.
colleenoz5 years ago
So, pitch him a tent in the back yard and tell him if he's not fit to live in a house like a civilised adult, this is home until he can.
pennydesign5 years agolast modified: 5 years ago
I too have really struggled with my adult kids (well...2 out of four). It makes me sad.
I feel as if we all need some kind of group...There aren't really any one-size-fits-all answers here. We love our kids. We're afraid of the power they have, especially if there are grandchildren involved. They can, and do, disgust us.
I don't have any answers as I'm in a pickle also. However I do have something that I noticed. My former slob daughter, when she moved out, turned into a strange kind of Felix Unger character (I assume most of you know who that is...).
I can only guess at the reasons for the change...you might think maturity, but during her Oscar Madison years at my house, she was as mature and kind and thoughtful and smart as she is now.
Perhaps she really felt a lack of control there and the only way to feel in control was to have this power struggle with me...
Perhaps she really DID think "I don't care it's not my house"...sad but possible. In which case that would be a lot of disrespect, but that's part of growing up.
All I know is that NOW, I must take off my shoes when entering her apartment. I cannot put down an empty cup but that it doesn't get immediately whisked away to be cleaned and put away. God forbid I don't use a coaster....
I find this rather amusing and, in a totally childish move on my part (fully admit to it) I sometimes DO leave a book out at her place...or walk away from my cup when I'm done.
This metamorphosis is a very odd thing to see, and to have experienced.
Now, on the other hand, my son...wait. Your lives are not nearly long enough :)
TL;DR...post your vents and issues. Sometimes we have to grab all the tea and sympathy we can get.
Jacky Sambolin5 years ago
Tea and wine. Thank you for your response. I do wish there was a support group Sometimes I do just need to vent. But, time does go by and so shall this.
woodstocksnoopy694 years ago
Wow, this thread is still going strong!
My daughter, now 21, was a total slob as a teenager to the point where I finally picked my battle and decided that it's her space. If she wants to be a pig, that's on her. And she was. What changed her was going off to college. Her roommate was even worse than she was, and she was embarrassed to have anyone over, even me. I'm not one of those parents who walked into their dorm room and did their laundry. I ignored it completely. There was not a single square inch of floor space not covered by dirty clothes, none of them my daughter's. Hers were in laundry baskets. She came home after that first year and kept her room clean. Not spotless, but reasonably clean. She decided after that to stay home and commute because she couldn't take it and couldn't get a new roommate. A few months ago her boyfriend came to stay with us. They have the entire third floor to themselves so I don't go up there much, but I have heard her yelling at him to clean up his clothes and do his laundry. She doesn't tolerate food or dishes up there, either. I'm actually proud of her for putting her foot down. What a difference being on her own for a little while made--having pride in yourself and your surroundings is a big boost to your self-confidence, too. (The boyfriend is actually leaving to go home next week. She doesn't seem all that upset about it.)
SEC4 years ago
I have been following this thread for years. I could have written the original post. I want to encourage any parent raising a slob to start early and not allow the filth nonsense to continue. Looking back at when this all began, I would have made a point of getting our daughter help. I am the mother of four adults, six grandchildren. I gave birth to two, my DH adopted them; then we adopted two other children: one at birth, the other when we lived overseas at age 6. Today they are 38/m, 32/f, 26/m, 25/f. The three oldest are married, youngest engaged. Three in the military, and one not is the one that is the major slob....and mother to five children: three bio children and two from her new husband. So, if I concisely look back at what I did as a success and what not, I would say that the daughter was "fine" until she hit about 10th grade. She had been homeschooled until 9th grade, then entered public school, where she had great success. We moved to Northern VA, outside of DC for her 10th grade, where she literally fell apart. She had hormonal health issues and she became rebellious when her older brother bought her a cell phone. I didn't even have a cell phone back then (16 years ago).... yet she had a cell phone. She absolutely refused to listen to me after that. She "saw" that my brother got his way and she got to keep the phone, so she ratcheted up her attitude and it solidified her entitlement attitude. IF I could repeat what happened back then, I would have tossed that phone and claimed control of my daughter. When the movers were coming to pack up the household goods to move, she was about to graduate. We "prepacked" certain rooms, but hers was at least knee deep in hoarder/pig crap. My entire house is clean and tidy, but we thought she'll get tired of her environment, but she did not. I learned this, "YOU CAN GET USE TO ANYTHING". I got use to her slobbery and she never got sick of it. Fast forward to her as an adult 16 years later. Well, she has had a very hard time with her relationships. She married a guy, had three children and he filed for divorce six years into the marriage. It was not final until just before their 10th anniversary. He couldn't live in the filth any longer. He was raised by a messy mother and she was nothing different. Every time he came to our home, he genuinely started picking at her because he sees that there is another way to live: YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE HOW YOU LIVE and have healthy habits. He finally chose cleanliness over disgusting slobbery. She knows he left her over her filthiness. Before she was divorced, she immediately moved another guy and his two kids into her den of filth. Over the next four years, he got sick of the filth over time and left her twice. Each time, she would get things cleaned up. He moved back in. He left her again. She cleaned it up. Both of them went into therapy. Got married.... and one of his boys moved back in with his mother because of the filth. Talk about 'dirty little secrets'? The filth is so disgusting. My grandchildren come to our home and beg me to intervene to keep them with me. It breaks my heart. It is so stressful for them to come to our home that I have not seen them but a glimpse since Christmas because they put up such resistance with their mother... because it's all getting overwhelming for her again. ALL of my other adult children are normal. My daughter in laws praise me for raising great, helpful men. Our youngest daughter was a dream child: she purposefully refuses to listen to any advice the oldest daughter gives to her because she chooses to buy into the bs and be a drama child. She KNOWS we are telling the truth about life, being responsible for your own choices, and success. She knows that the slob daughter has had tremendous help from us and that we have ALL helped the daughter that's a slob babysitting, cleaning, clearing out the rental homes many times when she's moved, then cleaning them.... and KNOW that she is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. IF you don't think slobbery is a big deal, let me paint a few pictures for you: you'll walk into their home with knee to thigh high crap and literally a "walking path" to different areas of the home. Kitchen has at least 6-10 stacks of weeks of pizza boxes, every dish filthy, rotted food, crap growing in the bottom of glasses, on plates, and trash is everywhere. Walmart and grocery bags with rotted food and maggots oozing under bags, rotting food smells, so much disgust growing in toilets, and under those clothes and garbage, a huge mound of ANTS!!!! And roaches!!!!!! SO, do not think for one minute that slobbery is something to be tolerated. I kicked this same daughter out of my house at 21. She was half-a$$ performing in college and lived at home and refused to clean her room. We gave her money and paid for everything college-related and provided her a vehicle. We have treated ALL of our kids the same: all we ask for is their best and will pay for C's and above in college. When we refused to pay again for bad performance (my husband is retired military officer and a college professor) with her classes (D's and F's), she got a school loan, which she is STILL paying for, we gave her a specific date to get the room cleaned up in our new home. She pi$$ed away the money for college on crap and she is having her IRS tax refunds withheld to put toward the money she owes.) Anyway, I threw open the sash in her bedroom at the "time's up" deadline and started grabbing the closest objects in my reach. By third pitch of crap breaking and flying out of the window onto our driveway, she got her buttocks off the bed and said, "I'm leaving." I agreed with, "Yes, you are. Tonight." Her brother, protector, cell phone provider, came into the room... and said something like, "If she goes, then I go." I said, "Pack your bags, too." This ALL made a huge impression on the teens I was still raising. The son landed on his feet and went back into the Navy. The slob daughter picked up a guy she met off C'List and went to the UPS store and married him. It's been nothing but a drama filled life of excuses and non-performance with the slob daughter. Our other children are wiser, respectful, responsible adults that absolutely 'see' that mom and dad were right about life and our slob of a daughter. I cover them all with prayer and know that even today, I have never seen my slob daughter's best and neither has she. I only hope that our grandchildren know that life is about choices and IF you do not want to live in filth, it's a choice. And if you want to not live in poverty, then education IS the way out of poverty. We're here to help, but I refuse to accept the responsibility for my daughter's choices in life. I encourage all of you to stand firm and know that IF you believe counseling would help at a young age, then get them help. I don't know what else I could have done. By the way, talk about 'relationship' with my slob of a daughter: I do care about all of them. However, when she has failures in life, she wants to paint me with broad strokes and she comes up with some blame game of rebellion. I KNOW when she changed and I KNOW what proffered her change. I am just sharing and encouraging anyone reading this dealing with a slob of a child: DO NOT LET THEIR REBELLION OF LIVING IN FILTH WEIGH YOU DOWN AND BOWL YOU OVER SO THEY WIN THEIR CHALLENGE. Open that window when they're young and throw their "personal items" out the window.... EARLY... don't wait until they're 20-21. It just peeves them off when they're older trying to pull that stunt: it will get them to leave though! You have a slim chance of training them and making an impression at their young age. AND IF you have a high school graduate without college or trade school plans, I have five suggestions for you that WORK to help you make them responsible adults: ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE, MARINES, MERCHANT MARINES will all given them a place to live, train them to maturity, and give them more education, and pay them. If they fail to plan, give them a boot. Pushing them out of the nest will force them to sprout wings.
HU-7638902744 years ago
I came to this site because I totally lost it with my 18 year old granddaughter today. She just graduated high school and will be leaving to go to university 1300 miles away. She is good and never stays out. She lives with me because of problems she had at home with her parents and sisters. Her room there was really bad. I know I cleaned it twice and it was an all day ordeal. She went to a magnet school for arts and I would drive her to the bus every morning at 5:30 am for 1 1/2 years. Many days she didn't get home until 7 or 8. She graduated with honors and an almost full scholarship to college.
For certain reasons I need to refinance my mortgage on my condo and they needed to do an appraisal of inside of home. I asked her yesterday morning to please clean her room. She said she was going to yoga (in my car), she'd do it later. She came home and I said let's do it now, but she said she was going to her friends pool party (in my car) and she'd do it later. I knew there was no later, as I took the advice of just ignore the mess. I cleaned it in about an hour. It was mostly water bottles, candy wrappers, old fast food bags and drinks, wet stained towels under bed, sheets under the bed, clothes (way too many clothes) all over the place. I put the garbage in a bag and asked her to please take the garbage out when she got home, "Later" was the answer.
Oh yeah, I allow her boyfriend to spend their time together in her room. Yeah I know what is going on, but it's gonna go on anyway. He is good person. He tries to clean up after her but it never lasts. She told him to throw out garbage, but that didn't happen. This morning I waited until 10 am (appraiser coming at 10:30) and asked her again, please take out the garbage. Didn't happen, she just said she was tired and didn't move.
I am embarrassed to say it, but I lost it. Kicked the garbage bag down the stairs, cursed at her and told she could get out. She spent the morning crying and avoiding me. I said I was sorry and she didn't care I was sorry, that I was the only person in the family she had really loved and now she really knew what I thought of her. She said she is looking for someplace to stay and thanked me for having her thrown out of another place (meaning her parents).
I feel so sad now and feel that we will be estranged for the rest of my life. I am 65 years old and have a chronic disease, so I can leave this earth any time. But I also feel that I have been unappreciated. Maybe I shouldn't have expected anything in return for taking her in and helping her get through her last year of school (making breakfast, lunch and dinner for her every day), picking her up, letting her use my car, and working to support us both but all I really wanted was for her to be happy again and her companionship until she leaves us for college.
What can I do to overcome this?
mzdee4 years ago
Dearest HU, I am sorry that you are struggling with this. I have a grand child that I love deeply. So I empathize. However I feel like you know what needs to be done. You have been loving and compassionate. The simple truth is that even those we love will take advantage. Don't do this to yourself, allowing your peace and your property to be disregarded. Be kind to your granddaughter by giving and enforcing rules and boundaries. If you don't the penal system will.
HU-7638902744 years ago
Dear mzdee, thank you for the encouragement. I'm afraid that she will carry on with avoiding me, not talking to me, crying for the last month she will be here until she leaves. Actually when I put it in writing, that isn't much different than how she has been acting since school ended. She stays holed up in her room all day and night and only comes out to eat or shower and go out.
colleenoz4 years agolast modified: 4 years ago
So, let's face it, you won't miss her. She's a taker, you really don't need her in your life, you only think you do.
_You_ got her thrown out of her parents' home? Sounds like she did that all be herself, she was lucky you rescued her- but clearly her self-obsessed little self doesn't see it that way.
Traci Joseph3 years ago
I read this entire thread, then reviewed most of it again. I am having the same problem with my 19-year-old niece. She is an absolute slob. Thankfully, she doesn’t have a pet, but we have dealt with all other types of messes listed here. All of them. DH and I have a 13-year-old son who is generally neat and tidy. I have to ask him maybe a few times a week to pick up dirty socks or bring a plate to the sink, but thankfully he seems to be the neat and tidy sort of person. His room is spotless. I can’t take credit for that; I’m a former slob myself. But I have lived on my own since I was 17, and my parents didn’t have a say in how I kept my dorm room or apartment. I am 52 now, work full-time, and DH and I just bought our dream home in a brand new development. A beautiful new home that nobody else has ever lived in, with freshly painted walls and gleaming floors and new carpeting with industrial vacuum marks still on them. And ... today I opened my niece’s bedroom door and wanted to cry. I won’t go into the full story of why she lives with us, except to say her mother doesn’t have her own place and has been moving around for the past few years, staying with her other adult daughter and our youngest sister and her family. I know my niece is struggling with depression. I love her. I want to be a grounded, reliable person for her. But the constant mess, the careless surprises she leaves behind in the (now shared) bathroom for our son to see, the violation of rules set down (no food or drink in the bedroom) ... in light of the fact that we charge her no rent and in fact I treat her like my own kid, making meals and keeping pantry stocked with food she likes to eat ... it is a disrespect that I cannot continue to allow. I’ve tried many suggestions listed here, which works for a short while. I haven’t tried “whipping day” (love that phrase) or the “shape up or ship out” ultimatum. A few days ago, I told her she needs to start paying rent. We will use that money for a cleaning service. The only mess in this house will be hers; we keep our own rooms and common area neat and tidy (though I will be thrilled to have someone else vacuum the our pet’s hair out of the furniture and off the floor). It hadn’t occurred to me until reviewing this thread that even a cleaning service may balk at the mess. I am afraid I am approaching a point of asking her to leave. I just don’t understand how it comes to this. She’s a great kid in all other ways. But she is not MY kid, and bottom line here, I will have my home that my hard work and years of financial sacrifice paid for respected and kept in the way I would like for it to be kept. I wish I could think of a way to have both.
mzdee3 years ago
I am so sorry you're going through this. I will caution that rent will bring with it the assumption of rights. There could be many reasons your niece has this issue but you cannot figure it out. 19 is still so young but decisions right or wrong belong to her. Don't put your son through this. Don't put your family through this. In my experience my kids took much better care of what they paid for. You know your heart and you know what you need to do.
colleenoz3 years ago
"I am afraid I am approaching a point of asking her to leave. I just
don’t understand how it comes to this. She’s a great kid in all other
ways. But she is not MY kid, and bottom line here, I will have my home
that my hard work and years of financial sacrifice paid for respected
and kept in the way I would like for it to be kept. I wish I could think
of a way to have both."
Have you laid this out for her as clearly as you have here?
You need to tell her, "I love you dearly, but...
When you disrespect the property I worked my butt off for and give to you freely to use, you disrespect _me_. It makes me feel that you don't love me back, and that saddens me. As well as the sadness I feel anger that the home I worked hard for is being wrecked and that my son is being forced to deal with someone else's mess.
If you can't abide by the rules of this house and keep your room tidy, that's fine. But I'm afraid you won't be able to do it here. It's your choice: the ball is in your court."
Set a deadline for here to either come to the party and start cleaning up after herself or find somewhere else to live. Make it a reasonably short deadline- ie, not six months for instance.
HU-7018298143 years ago
I totally understand where believer is coming from, I have exactly the same issues with my daughter, I have tried everything. people say close the door, my airing cupboard is in her bedroom and if I coul d I would move it, but it's not a matter of closing the door as it's just a n untidy bedroom, it's the whole house of not putting anything away, you cannot keep up with it and I end up at my wits end, I think there are degrees of untidiness and being slobby and when it becomes so bad and you have tried everything, it depresses you, I don t want to throw my daughter out, besides her father would not let me do that anyway, I think I would if I knew it would do some good, but I admit I don t want to ruin my relationship with my daughter. A year ago I rented a house around the corner as it all got too much and to make a point of how I could not live under those circumstances. My daughter was very angry with me and I was her so we were not happy with each other for a while but I agreed to come back after 6 months, but nothing has changed and to keep our relationship on a harmonious level I have to put up with it. I sometimes feel resentful but for the sake of keeping the family in a relative calm state I have to keep quiet. I feel for you believer as I just want a reasonably tidy place, I'm not a person who is over the top tidiness, just what I consider respectful and considerate tidiness for all living in the house. I have got a cleaner for 2 hours on a thursday, but her bedroom is so bad , that the door gets shut, it's too embarrassing, and besides it would not be fair on the cleaner honestly. I have cleaned her bedroom which took me a whole day and then it gets bad again, I work full time so I cannot keep cleaning her room at weekends, she is nearly 20. But she just does not touch it! What can we do beleiver?
Sarah Stojkovic-Sreedharan3 years ago
I have a 12 year old and we just cleaned under his bed. It was absolutely disgusting. I lost my mind on him!! I realize reading these comments that from now on, I am going to be very strict about cleanliness. We are always on his case but from today forward, if the room isn't tidy, all privileges are gone. Cleanliness and orderliness are the basics of a successful life. I was a slob when I was younger too and I had issues getting basic things done and a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was pure lazy. My parents would lose it on me too but would lack consistency, which I would have very much benefited from. I feel like had I been more on top of things, I would've accomplished so much more in a shorter period of time. Even things like better grades and better work opportunities - had I just gotten off my a** and put more effort in.
I do not agree at all with those of you telling this woman to have her daughter close the door and ignore this. This is a problem that will follow you through life. I would question her mental health. but I would NOT let up. Why? Because years go by and you waste time living in filth. Once you tidy up, that depressive haze that lays over your brain lightens up, you feel better, you want to get out, you want to get things done. I do not wish for my son to go down this path so I will be on his butt every day about this.
Good luck to you all. Hang in there and know that it is not your job to be the good guy, but to raise successful and healthy human beings!
mzdee3 years ago
Good for you!!!
glorylm2 years ago
Hello, I'm new here. Not sure what name will show up since I didn't see a way to add one.
thunderbirdstudio2 years agolast modified: 2 years ago
My boyfriends kids are so disgusting, you don't even know. The level of disgust is so concerning that I literally just called the 1-800 mental illness helpline to see if I was being too judgey or if this was mental illness or just spoiled kids.
My ex says they learned this behavior from his ex wife, but now they live seperate and these girls, OMG....hide garbage IN THEIR BED. Leave USED tampon applicators allllll over the bathroom floor with crusty panties and bloody tissue on the ground when there is a garbage can in the room. They literally like, do not know how to clean and have ZERO shame how they live. They both always look unkempt and dirty and wear oversized grandpa clothes and tiny booty shorts as if they do not know how to dress their bodies. It has been a problem for so long that I had to leave the relationship. I do not want to be with any man who can't discipline his children and teach them that is wrong and disgusting. And then when I point it out even though he KNOWS it is a problem....a problem so bad that he warned me about them before I ever met them, he just gets defensive and says I am judging him. To boot, they are mean and extremely disrespectful not only to me, but my children and HIM!
It's awful. I read online that there is an actual "condition" for this called Diogenes Syndrome. I don't know if this is what the deal is but either way it is beyond repulsive. And they all need help. Either by a maid or a psyciatrist.
The lady on the phone at the mental help hotline said..."I hate to tell you but there are a lot of nasty people who live like this regardless of socioeconomic status"... and she is right. BC my boyfriend is very wealthy. I mean, these girl would know that my two little boys would be coming over there and had ZERO shame about having absolute filth in their bathrooms and their rooms and how they treated their home. It was SO bad when I first went to his house after his divorce that I cleaned their bathrooms AND ROOMS bc I did not want my children to think that was acceptable. It took me 7 hours. To this day, never a thank you....nothing.
He lives in a nice house and they just trash it bc they have been allowed to for so long. He has tried to correct it but they were raised this way. He blames it in his ex, but any man who lets his wife bowl over you in a marriage like that for that long...sorry, you are the problem as well. I am sorry but behavior is learned. Put your foot up their ass and stop being bullied by your kids and be a parent.
They will never survive in the real world acting like this. You'll end up taking care of them their whole lives bc ain't nobody putting up with that crap! Be a parent! If you see signs of this in anyone you date and you are not a hoarder, get out.
mzdee2 years ago
I'm sorry you had to leave a relationship over this but this is a no win. Love does not conquer all. And with those kinds of habits, COVID is sure to find a home.
glorylm2 years ago
Hi, I'm new here. I've been looking online for ways to cope with living with a very sloppy person. It seems nearly impossible to change a slob. I found one site about living with a sloppy partner. I have read such sad accounts, couples that marry (I guess totally unaware of how the other really keeps house), and end up divorcing. I notice that mostly, the tidy, organized person, the one who prefer to live in a sanitary and orderly house, ends up having to change, ends up having to relax their standards, ends up having to back down, and having to live in silent frustration. It seems so unfair, how slobs are able to have/take such control. They dictate how things are going to be, how things going to look, smell, etc. Slobs don't see a need to change how they are, all they have to do is drive the clean person crazy.
My daughter and her child and I share a rental since she split up with her bf. Every day I wake up and cringe, dreading what the day will hold. It starts with my daughter never waking to my gd crying and screaming. I have to go in her room to wake her and I dread it because I just know I'm going to have an out of body experience. The smell of her room hits me as I open the door. This sets me off. She doesn't bother to flush her toilet. She lived in poverty with her bf for several years and developed some really bad habits, like half the time they didn't have tp, so she doesn't always bother to use it. Her floor always has junk thrown about, clothes all over, clean mixed with dirty, who know which is which, dirty silverware and drinking glasses she has repeatedly been asked not to take to her room, pop cans spilled or half full and just waiting to be spilled by her child. A big stinky mess, squalor. And there she is snoring away, none of this bothering her, not even a bit. Sigh She makes a mess in every other room, has to be reminded to clean up after herself, or she won't do it. Her cleaning up after herself barely qualifies as cleaning. She works full-time and goes to school, so she is busy, but she uses this as an excuse every time we get into it over her piggish ways. We get into some big screaming matches, and I'm always the loser. Nothing ever changes. She might go to her room and make an angry attempt at straightening out, but not really cleaning, slamming things and yelling so I hear her.
I feel like I'm living with a child, not a young adult. I'm having to parent her, and should not have to. I'm near retirement age with my many joint pains, it was a struggle to keep up with my own chores when I lived alone. and now I feel like I work nonstop and get nowhere. I'm sad and angry over all of this, and when depression sets in, it really affects how I feel and what I'm able to do. None of this filth bothers her. Her brand new car, the new car smell has been replaced with the smell of rotting food. She is so gross. I sometimes lose my mind, especially when the smell from her room makes it's way downstairs. I have simply lost it and have started cleaning her room while she's at work, because I just can't take it anymore. I have found dirty diapers tossed in the cabinet under the sink, pads with dried blood thrown on the floor by the toilet, scum with hair, dried toothpaste and makeup on every inch of her sink. I can't understand how someone can live comfortably in such an unsanitary environment. Disgusting.
Thanks for reading my long vent about what I'm living with. Thank you for your comments.
mzdee2 years ago
Perhaps you will need to make difficult choices. Now is not the time to accept unsanitary habits. COVID is real; we have lost too many friends to think otherwise. It isn't just the living habits it is the extension to social practices that should concern you. Please be careful in this season.
HU-754228982 years ago
I love my daughter to death but I will tell you she will play that dam game when she gets off work and not clean a think I have to tell her to pick up this pick up that and lord knows I didn't raise her like that. I get so mad and she's lucky I'm her mother but it's time that she stays with one of her siblings because I will lose it. I can't stand filth. I go in the kitchen and it like every utensil is in the sink. She cooks and the kitchen is nasty I say clean as you go and she gets mad.Theres no need to get mad because cleaning is something that you're already supposed to do especially when you're grown You clean the bathroom when you use it take a shower and use the sink if you clean your dishes after you cook I understand if you cook and then you eat but then after that you wash the dishes I understand cleaning your room for God's sakes.
annhekholm2 years ago
I know this is an old post but I have to comment to get this off my chest . I recently moved into a beautiful home with my partner . He is neat and clean and one of the nicest people I’ve ever know but the adult children he has raised and helpless ! Spoiled and entitled and he idolizes them and does everything for them . They do nothing around the house and now the 22 year old is home doing online grad school and video games and stays in his room in absolute filth . He takes his food back there and trash piles up. His closet is piled with dirty clothes and trash . I helped my partner get his old house on the market and cleansed for hours his kids rooms and bathrooms which were disgusting . A maid comes every 2 weeks and the just put trash in the closet and under the bed . I’m losing respect for my partner because he refuses to say anything in case it upsets the kid . Yesterday I lost it . I work hard and we now have our beautiful home and I find it so disrespectful the way he acts . My partner is out of town so I left the 22 year olds dishes in the sink for a week ! He expects everyone to bow down to him and clean up after him . I’m done !
now my partner is angry with me I upset his son . At my wits end .
colleenoz2 years ago
You're going to have to have take a good hard look at your relationship with your partner. Unless your partner is willing to meet you halfway and insist his children keep their spaces clean or move out, nothing will change. Are you willing to put up with the son's filth for an indefinite amount of time, for the sake of this relationship?
If not, you need to communicate this to your partner. Let him know that the filth is a deal breaker for you and that if things don't improve, you'll walk. Then, if things don't change, move on, there are better things out there and a single life is better than one with a partner who doesn't have your back.
Wow! Can’t believe this post has been active for 12 years! Says a lot about the extent of the problem. There is now a whole FB group “Parents of Adult Children living at home”, so possibly the conversation has continued over there? Thank to everyone who posted! Lots of good stuff here. No easy answers, but I have garnered a few solid suggestions of how to deal with my 25 yo DD who has moved home for the 3rd (and final 🙏🏾) time and seems to be in no real rush to take responsibility and move forward with her life. Prayerfully, in 6 months I’ll be back here with a praise report or maybe I’ll see you in the FB page! Cheers and blessings to each of you!
MsCasslong4 months ago
Hi, O can see this was a long time ago. I am wondering how it turned out.