please accept my sympathy to you and your family. i think it doesn't matter when you have lot someone that feeling never goes away. in afew weeks i will have been a widow for 4 years. everyday i think of my husband. i remember what we had for supper the night before (roast and veggies) and i haven't made or eaten it since. i still wear my 3 diamond ring he gave me for our 25th anniv. still proudly with my wedding band on my left hand. i also rec'd a diamond tennis bracelet for my 50th bd (all ths jewellery within 2 months of his passing) along with a puppy gracie joy devine (i swore we would never have another pet) i live in northern ontario so i know about cold and snow today it was minus 43! i walk 21/2 miles one way everyday to visit him at the cemetery. i hate him for leaving me. my husband was just loved by everyone, he had that kind of personality. our son hAS taken over some of his dads traits like volunteering etc. and i don't think our daughter will ever get over losing her date, she was home when the firetrucks and ambulance came to the house, but she has learned to be a nicer person. life is so funny those mean people we all know seem to live forever and ever. it took me about a year to mention Al's name but now i make sure that the kids (well 22 and 27) hear atleast one story about their dad. again i'm sorry for your loss

I know this is a years old post, but I still want to add my two cents anyway. Just for any future readers, and you if you happen to read this again. First off, I'm so terribly sorry that you had to go through that, and I truly wish that I had been around, with the knowledge that I now have, back then. The VCUG procedure is terrible for both parent and child alike. I had to get VCUGs constantly as I grew up, and I want to say that the trauma a child experiences during them is nothing to glance over. By the time my fifth VCUG came around I literally collapsed on the ground, begging and crying for them to not make me go through it again. Now that I'm older, I'm learning more about what happened. The doctors say no to sedation because young children are at risk of never waking up. Others say that it's because the test won't work properly- it was pointed out to me that children have the potential to pee while their under, effectively ruining the test. But honestly, I say bullsh*t. I would have rather been put under and take the risks full-heartedly, rather than go through what I had to. I felt molested, I was in pain, and I felt betrayed by both the doctors and my parents alike. I still have a hard time trusting doctors and I don't feel like I can talk to my parents about important things anymore. In one of your later posts, you said that your daughter was likely to get over it long before you would. I'm sorry, but you're likely wrong. That event will always stay with her somehow- especially if she remembers it. I had the procedure multiple times, which made it worse for me, mentally, in the long run. I'm oversensitive about my lower body now, and more skittish than I should be. I refuse to use tampons because of what I went through, and intercourse is a never for me. As another person has already mentioned: I'd rather die than go through any similar situations that relate to VCUGs. I've actually developed PTSD because of the trauma- and I'm not the only one. Many people who went through the VCUG procedure as a child have claimed to be traumatized and to have developed depression or PTSD. So if your child does remember her VCUG (ask her)- even if it's just a little bit- I suggest you pay attention to her. Look for signs that the event still lingers as a more negative memory than it should be. Even if nothing is apparently wrong now, keep an eye open. It might take years before any type of mental symptoms show themselves. For me, the most noticeable symptom that can be seen from outside perspective would be my lack of motivation. My school work suffered and I seemed to have no will to do anything with my life. It was first believed that I was just lazy- which made me feel terrible... This can become a severe problem if you don't catch it soon enough. Another thing to look out for is over-discomfort in the doctor or dentists office. Those medical tables/chairs won't look as friendly as they once did. The doctors less so. For me, I'm overly sensitive about getting shots. My distrust about doctors sticking things into me has manifested to such a normal, simple thing that most people get used to. But even now, I feel sick to my stomach when the doctor says I need one. Finally, it's possible that she may outright refuse things like tampons and thoughts of having kids in the future. This is completely normal if she remembers the VCUG. She's likely to never let anything near her lower body ever again because of it. It brings back the negative memories. I refused tampons the moment I learned about them. I managed to avoid them for the longest time, even though everyone thought me silly. (This was before we knew why I hated it.) One day, though, we travelled to Mexico to swim with sea lions in the ocean. Just my luck that my monthly began the day before the trip... When we got there, the plan was to finally get me to use a tampon. My mother took me into the bathroom, and began to explain how it worked. Visualizing it in my head scared the H*ll out of me. I broke down crying when my mom told me that it would hurt a little. To me, a little meant a lot. Thankfully, my aunt had a better solution. (Pad, plus salt water, plus temperature change would slow/stop the flow and dissolve whatever managed to escape.) I still thank her for it whenever it comes up. Anyway, bottom line is, keep an eye out for any mental problems that might show up. Being three, she probably forgot, which will make this post somewhat useless. But it's still good to know, right? Just in case. I wish I could have been here earlier. To tell you that you NEED sedation- and not the extremely light stuff that just makes you drowsy. The procedure is painful- no amount of sugar-coating from the doctors would change that. After the VCUG, when you pee, it BURNS. I've come to say that, "It burned as if I was peeing out the fires of H*ll..." And it continues to feel like that for a few hours to a few days. And again, it can be mentally scarring. I'm glad that your daughter didn't have anything wrong with her, and I'm ever so relieved that she at least didn't have to go through more than one. I hope you're both healthy and happy right now, and living your lives to the fullest. (Sorry, this is long...)

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. We butted heads quite a bit with our daughter when she was 17 and 18, and she did think seriously about leaving home. I can't identify with all the problems you're having with her, but I can with some of them. I know it is a difficult time for you and your wife. I think it's hard to know how to give help unless we know why she's moved away from home and making the choices she's making. Do you know if it's a boyfriend issue, are alcohol or drugs involved? I think a lot of young people get derailed their first year of college. Most of my friends have college kids and my kids are in college. Here are my gut feelings, which could very well be wrong. First of all, if your daughter graduated number 3 in her class with a full ride scholarship, then just the difficulty of chemistry alone shouldn't have derailed her. In my experience, what usually happens is that the students who fare poorly don't go to class and don't do their work. Most college professors have office hours and possibly TA's with office hours, and many universities have free tutoring available. You'd think that intelligent young people who mess up their first year in college would straighten up, learn their lesson and get their work done. But it doesn't always work that way. Many of the young people I know who had problems went through all K-12 years of school never having to study. Some of them adjust and some drop out. It's really tough on their ego to go from having everything come so easily to having to study hard and get tutoring help. Your requirements for your daughter living at home are very reasonable. Again, I know students who give their parents flack about that kind of thing, but you're not asking for anything out of line at all. Re the part about the hydroplaning and the cell phones, I'd let that go. If she was getting straight A's and doing outstanding in school, you'd probably let it go. The problem of moving out and living with the other family is much worse. I do know other families who have had problems similar to yours, and at one time I was holding my breath afraid we'd be in your shoes. As parents of young adults, I and most of my friends try to walk a line between letting them make their mistakes and heading off any major disaster that would absolutely ruin our young adult's life. So you can't really drag her back home. If this was my daughter, I'd consider paying the cell phone. As long as she has a cell phone that you're paying for, you know she can call you in case of an emergency. I'd rather pay the bill and know my daughter can always call me. I'd also keep my daughter on my health insurance and if she needed birth control I'd pay for that. If I owned the title to her car I'd either pay the car insurance or take the car back. For everything else I'd just step back and let her pay her own way. I'd also let her know that I love her very much, and that if she wants to come back home and get help with paying for school, the door is open. Then I'd let her live her life and make her mistakes. Sounds like she's going to have to learn some things the hard way. All of this is assuming she doesn't have problems with drugs or alcohol. I know several young people who have done seemingly jaw-dropping, crazy things like your daughter. They just have to grow up; their parents can't magically fix it. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Hopefully you've raised her well and she'll circle back around to be the responsible young woman you've raised her to be. A dear friend of mine's daughter moved out a couple of years ago. During her first semester of college she met a guy, dropped out, went to live in a situation somewhat like you're describing. She's just now getting her life straightened out and moving back in with her parents. My last suggestion is this, and it's probably the most important one. Once a week, if your daughter will let you, take her out to dinner or to lunch. Mentally declare to yourself that during that time you won't discuss anything negative or ask her any questions. Let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about. Don't give advice or suggestions, just listen or keep to general chit chat. If it will help, let her know that's what you're going to do. Make sure you keep that connection open to her. During that lunch or dinner time don't ask her to come home or ask her how her grades are. When she leaves, tell her that you love her. Something's up with your daughter, and there's really no way for you to know what's going on for sure. She's 18 years old and she can walk away at any time. So keep a connection. If it turns out to be something like drugs or alcohol, you can intervene and get her some help. If she's just an 18 year old who has gone a little crazy and wants her independence, she'll just have to learn the hard way that independence isn't all it's cracked up to be. If she's abusing substances, then she probably hasn't done anything that can't be fixed. A lot of good parents go though what you're going through. Keep your marriage strong and step back and let your little girl fall on her face. That's my advice. You're not alone, and it does get easier. It's a shock when it first happens.

Thank you both for your responses. Amber i do tell my daughter under no cercumstance is she allowed to disrespect him. She has had her privileges taken way on a monthly base. Usually he is the one who picks the punishment and for how long. Sometimes im not exactly sure what all he takes away. The last time he punished er he took everything away from her. She doesnt have tv computer, netflix, going to movies for over six months. I unfortunately did not heard the punishment, because the day he gave the punishment i was recovering from a bronchoscopy. I thought I had heard him say she can not play on anything he bought, but unfortunately i was wrong. She is banned from everything. She can only play with her toys and read books. My husband has always had my oermission to disciplinw our daughter. I've tried very hard not to step on his toe when it came to punishing her. Even though six months of no electrinics is a pretty tough punishment for an eight year old, i've still stood behind him. She had a project last month and my husband refused to help her because of how she treats him. He feels that she wont fail becausebof her age and will give her a grade for effort. I however feel completly different. School work is not something i am going to say no to. No my husband does not have children of his own. Our daughter is his first shot at being a parent. He goes by how he acted as a child and expects the same way, he was a good obedient kid. Myself, on the other hand, gave my parents a challenge. I didn't do bad things against the law but i gave quite a few gray hairs to my mom. I know he cares about her but even i have doubts. I understand how mean she can be, trust me she hurts me the worst when she gets in one of her moods. However no matter how much she mistreats me,im still her mother. I should always be there for her. He is a dad now and he should also be beside me helping her through this. We have tried sitting down with her and explained the things we would be able to do as a family if only she listened to what we asjed her to do. She seems to behave for a few days and goes back to the same way as before. Unfortunately she is half the time with us and half the time with her bio dad so she gets a break from her punishmebt. When she comes back we have to start all over again. I've tried to explain to my husband she is just a child, usually when ahe is not around, but he doesn't follow. To him he just see an evil kid who will not change. He has even said out loud that if she doesnt change that she will one day be flipping burgers at a fast food joint. Anytime i sit with him and talk about her it's always negative. He doesnt even believe her teacher when we were told how smart she is and how polite and respectful she is. I was evwn stopped by the before and after school care staff last week, on how polite and respectful and willingness to help she was.