Separating because of adult son
sanman12
9 years ago
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Karen10125
9 years agoRelated Discussions
Loss of Adult Son
Comments (166)Dear Cindy, I am glad that you decided to return back to this site. I am also glad that you are part of a bible study group that is there for you to provide support. Karen, Marie and I are also part of a "group" that no one wanted to be part of but which eventually turned in to a life saver for the three of us. We all feel that God chose to draw us all together so that we would be there to help each other. As we mentioned before, Marie's son and my son have already passed, and Karen's son will pass in the very near future. Karen will probably share this with you as time goes along, but she also lost a grandson less than a month ago. The anger that you and Gary are experiencing now is completely normal. After receiving such a terrible diagnosis, any person (as well as their loved ones} have the need to let their feelings out. I am ashamed to admit this, but in the beginning I blamed God for making my son sick, and I questioned my faith at that point. I asked him why he would take my only son and make him suffer with this terrible disease. I felt that my prayers weren't being answered and that God was ignoring me. As time went on my feelings changed. I came to realize that God does not make people sick, and I know that he has been with me every step of the way. You wonder how you will get through this, and I tell you now that your faith in God will help you in this terrible time. As I mentioned before, our Michael was only 37 when he became ill. Like Gary, he was just starting out on his new life. He was only married 5 years by the time he passed, and his little boy was only 3. I won't go into the details right now, but his illness and death was not an easy one. He suffered terribly at the end. While not a day goes by that I do not think of my son, I have learned to go on because that is what Michael would have wanted. Please never think that you failed in some way in being a good mother. Your son has to pass through this angry stage, and sometimes the one that they lash out at are those they love the most. Give it some time and your son will come around because he needs his mom. I know how medical bills can pile up because our Michael was not able to work. My husband and I helped as best we could, but my daughter (my only other child) set up a GoFundMe page which she posted on Facebook. She was able to raise almost $27,000 that he was able to use for medical bills and home expenses. Perhaps someone in the family could do that for Gary. While you hear so many terrible things going on throughout our country today, you will find that there are still many good people out there with generous hearts who are willing to help someone in need. I don't want to ramble on too much right now. Please continue to visit this site anytime you feel the need, even if it's just to tell us how your day is going. I promise you that the three of us will be there for you whenever you need us. Josephine...See MoreNeed help--parents of adult(?) son living at home
Comments (18)I have experienced some of this with my middle child. Your case has similarities, but somehow we skirted the nearly complete mess you have. First of all, he is depressed. That may need treatment from experts and possibly some medication. Second, he is very shy. That may mean he likes the cocoon of same old, same old routine and surroundings and being in a band where he feels he "belongs" has "friends" in his fellow musicians and some band followers providing him his only social security. Third, he evaluates and analyzes life from an EMOTIONAL standpoint, not a logical one. Fourth, change is scarey, especially to him. I like the old quote, "Change is an ocean voyage, in a leaky boat with a mutinous crew." Also, he is terribly afraid and so avoids change. He has no training to do anything, so options aren't really open to him. Fifth, he has not hit his rock bottom, so he sees no need to change what he is doing. He does not get that if you keep doing what you have always done you will have the outcome you always have had. Everyone has their own rock bottom when they finally realize they must change, that this is not working for them. You are an enabler, and I fully appreciate your concerns as a parent. But you are holding him just above that rock bottom, so he will not experience the desperation to motivate him to make changes. That said, maybe I should tell you something of our experiences. Our son was the cool dude, surfer, liked break dancing as a kid. He is bright but did not believe he was, and finally he discovered the guitar, my idea to talk him into it and give him lessons. I could shoot myself. He did not want to go to college. He informed us that he wanted to go only to the Guitar College of America, where his teacher had gone. We insisted he pick an area of interest, pick a college, and earn a bachelor's degree. His music and surf friends were underachievers and without goals for the most part other than to become millionairs by surfing or strumming. A couple came from familys with a successful business that the kid would inherit, but would have to learn by working in it first. No goals. He headed off to our community college, graduated with honors, with the idea of getting into film school (we live in southern California). He graduated from the university magna cum laude, and during these college years became quite shy but very nice too. The girlfriend got him interested in reading, and now he devours books. He is now in the film business of assistant editing tv commercials. He continues to have a band, is the main motivator of the other members, and dreams of being successful musically. It has never happened. Now he finally is dating a delightful girl, invests and saves from his paychecks while living modestly, is a wonderful son, has a delightful sense of humor, and has earned our respect. One area we had suggested to both of our sons who are interested in music was to get a business degree and work in the business end of music. There is a real need for talent there, but neither wanted to do it. But maybe that kind of thinking may help your son. He cannot drift professionally or socially. And by the way, living at home really limits their social contacts. Home is a good alternative when things are tough, but the sooner they can manage on their own, the happier they will be. If you could get him the diagnosis and treatment he needs, support him while he earns a degree, then he may well fly the nest quite successfully--for him. Lastly, creative kids really do march to their own drummer. As a non-creative parent and one who operates from a logical basis only, unlike her sons, I struggled with this. I hope the family analysis helps. Don't give up. There has to be an answer. And tell your son that it takes courage to face the world, to make changes, to leave the comfortable circle of what he has always done, but you are proud of him and you are here to help him do so. Let us know how you are progressing....See MoreAdult son living at home---follow up and thanks
Comments (12)Even if he's mentally ill or addicted, it does him no good to be stewing in it at home, lashing out at mom. Addiction = residential rehab, with release to a halfway house that will help him set up an independent life. Mental illness = residential facility to get him fulltime therapy and stabilization, release to a halfway house that will help him set up an independent life. (I have a nephew who was stuck like this at 23, but all he wanted to do was yoga. Mom let it go and made excuses and was afraid for him. A little bit later he confessed that there was embalming fluid in the walls. Yep, schizophrenia, he'd had it full blown since 19, but since he'd never had psychosis, no one recognized it. Now he's 26, living in a halfway house, addicted to coracidin cough syrup, on full disability, and not managing too well--but absolutely incapable of living at home with his mom). Mental illness is not cured by sitting at home in front of the tv or sleeping 15 hours a day. And you cannot 'push' him into mental illness by making firm demands on him and expecting reasonable action. If it's mental illness that's holding him back, then he's mentally ill now as well as after he's pushed from the nest. You can however push him into crisis by escorting him out the door. And that would be a good thing, it will get his the acute help he needs. Perhaps Sophiesmom, you are 'afraid' because in your gut you know he's mentally ill and are walking on egg shells to help him keep it hidden--as long as it's not too obvious, we can pretend the scary beast isn't there, we can pretend it's just depression or low self esteem or immaturity that will resolve itself. Or maybe not. Walking on eggshells and ignoring the fact that this person is failing an important developmental step is not going to fix anything. It was one thing when he was passive, but he's now over the line into abusive. He pushed the limits, if you don't push back (in an appropriate way), you might as well show your belly. It's time to launch him into society, or know why not. Vaguely being afraid of the results is not a helpful response....See MoreLending money to adult son/stepon - Whaddayathink?
Comments (31)Finedreams, from the OP: >>Adult SS29 asked his Dad on Dec 15 if we could lend him $1000 for "just 30 days" so he could put up his security deposit on a house that he was moving his family of 5 into. Saying that he would get back his other security deposit (from the house that they were currently in) in 30 days, and then he would be able to pay us back. ..... It is [now] Feb 19. We have not heard anything [from] SS29.Four months is considerably longer than the 30 days promised. Even if SS did not get his security deposit back as promised, the very least he could have done was to let the people who lent him money and spent two days helping him to move and paint his new home, know what was happening, why the repayment would be late, and when he expected to be able to repay....See MorePhoneLady
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