Separating because of adult son

12 years ago

We have a 25 yo son. Unemployed, living at home, no friends, does not leave the house. He has an associates degree and recently graduated from an I.T. Computer program where he earned various computer certifications.

He is a constant flash point in our marriage. I think we still want to be together. I am overwhelmed with the thought of him living with us indefinitely. I am 55 and about ready to retire and move on to the next chapter in (our) more likely my life. We have been married 29 years and I have never been so unhappy.

I work in the I.T. Field. I received an early retirement package from my former employer. I currently work as an consultant for another I.T. Company from my home.

Any sound advice out there

Featured Answer

PhoneLady

12 years ago

Give him a month to move out and then stick to it.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (11)

Karen10125
12 years ago
The three of you need to sit down, write a plan and like PhoneLady said, stick to it. Obviously the plan should start with him getting a job, saving $, future apartment, etc. The fact that he has no friends and is 25 years old concerns me, so I think counseling/therapy might be needed as well. Don't wait any longer to do this, easier now than when he's 30 or 40 years old. Best of luck to you.
Related Discussions
Loss of Adult Son
Q
Comments (166)
Dear Cindy, I am glad that you decided to return back to this site. I am also glad that you are part of a bible study group that is there for you to provide support. Karen, Marie and I are also part of a "group" that no one wanted to be part of but which eventually turned in to a life saver for the three of us. We all feel that God chose to draw us all together so that we would be there to help each other. As we mentioned before, Marie's son and my son have already passed, and Karen's son will pass in the very near future. Karen will probably share this with you as time goes along, but she also lost a grandson less than a month ago. The anger that you and Gary are experiencing now is completely normal. After receiving such a terrible diagnosis, any person (as well as their loved ones} have the need to let their feelings out. I am ashamed to admit this, but in the beginning I blamed God for making my son sick, and I questioned my faith at that point. I asked him why he would take my only son and make him suffer with this terrible disease. I felt that my prayers weren't being answered and that God was ignoring me. As time went on my feelings changed. I came to realize that God does not make people sick, and I know that he has been with me every step of the way. You wonder how you will get through this, and I tell you now that your faith in God will help you in this terrible time. As I mentioned before, our Michael was only 37 when he became ill. Like Gary, he was just starting out on his new life. He was only married 5 years by the time he passed, and his little boy was only 3. I won't go into the details right now, but his illness and death was not an easy one. He suffered terribly at the end. While not a day goes by that I do not think of my son, I have learned to go on because that is what Michael would have wanted. Please never think that you failed in some way in being a good mother. Your son has to pass through this angry stage, and sometimes the one that they lash out at are those they love the most. Give it some time and your son will come around because he needs his mom. I know how medical bills can pile up because our Michael was not able to work. My husband and I helped as best we could, but my daughter (my only other child) set up a GoFundMe page which she posted on Facebook. She was able to raise almost $27,000 that he was able to use for medical bills and home expenses. Perhaps someone in the family could do that for Gary. While you hear so many terrible things going on throughout our country today, you will find that there are still many good people out there with generous hearts who are willing to help someone in need. I don't want to ramble on too much right now. Please continue to visit this site anytime you feel the need, even if it's just to tell us how your day is going. I promise you that the three of us will be there for you whenever you need us. Josephine
...See More
Xmas present for adult son who doesn't return the favor????
Q
Comments (30)
Sunnlover, I don't feel your statement about grown women being babies is fair. Many of us have raised our sons to have wonderful qualities, teach gift giving and sending thank you cards. Has it ever occurred to you that sons can be self-centered? It doesn't have to come from the mother, the self centered traits can come from the father, or actually neither parent. I raised my son without a father figure. His father was out of his life by choice. He married again and did not pay child support, because he made the decision to not to be in his son's life or support him. They connected later, before his father passed away at the young age of 52. Sometimes children are self made. Sometimes they are purely selfish, and only think of themselves. Unfortunately, it's life. If we're disappointed by the actions of our sons or daughters, we make the decision to move on with our lives, and forget about pleasing them anymore. After all, it's not one sided. We are not obligated to love unconditionally, especially if it's not given in return.
...See More
My husband doesn't like my adult son.
Q
Comments (20)
I am in the same situation. It’s New Years Day and I am lying here depressed. My adult son came to temporarily live with me and my new husband of 2 years about 7 months ago. He asked and my husband said yes. My husband decided not to charge him rent or anything, even told him he can eat what we eat, wash clothes, basically our home is his home. We have a written agreement which we all signed. My son takes out the garbage and cuts grass, clean his room & bathroom. He’s making plans to move back out as agreed. He has savings. Is my son perfect? No, but he is not disrespectful. Other than not walking around the house naked, nothing else has changed in our marital relationship. My husband took it upon himself to step in as a father to my son and even asked my son if that was ok. His biological father…didnt do his job and has no real relationship with him. My husband and son get along fine. However i know my husband is faking it. If my son makes one mistake or forget something, my husband is very critical and judgemental. He complains to me telling lies about my son and says hateful things about my son. i love my husband but this is unacceptable to me. i am beyond hurt and angry. My son doesnt even know how my husband really feels. What brought to this post…my husband thought my son had left and left the door unlocked at 2am. My son was actually outside. Anyway all i literally said was to tell him and immediately he accused me of coming to my son’s defense and starts going off. I am confused. If someone does something wrong or forgot something, isnt the natural thing to do is tell them? What did I say wrong? There is so much more I could say to paint the picture of everything that has gone on. I dont want a divorce but this is too crazy!
...See More
Adult Son Driving Me Crazy
Q
Comments (9)
Full disclosure: My husband and I have no children, but we know many people who struggle with situations similar to yours. It's unfortunate and he may or may not be a "good person", but the bottom line here is he's a loser! Toss him out on his arse, change the locks on your house - be sure your car(s) is/are locked and ignore any pleas for help. There's an excellent blog called LIVING STINGY and it addresses many issues and "basement living children" is one of them. It's ridiculous to constantly bail this kid out - he's got to learn that in real life there ARE no safety nets. I'm sure it'll be the toughest battle of your life, but you really have no choice - otherwise he'll nickel and dime you until you have NO money left and that is not acceptable, right? Good luck.
...See More
PhoneLady
12 years ago
And is it possible your son is depressed? Because there's help for that too. Most 25 year old men really don't want to live with their parents.
obaby
11 years ago
I am going thru something similar, with my boyfriend's daughter, she is 20 yrs old & stays here 2 or more nights a week. as it is he gives her rides to & from work,plus takes her to run errands.i feel she is taking advantage of us & needs to realize she's an adult now & doesnt need to do over night visits with daddy anymore. I have 2 grown kids & they would never even think of intruding. I'm at my wits end & am seriously thinking i'll leave if it doesnt stop soon. fed up in maine...
nancylouise5me
11 years ago
Obaby, does the BF's daughter have a car, is it in the shop? A visit a couple of nights a week, no big deal to me. How does your BF feel about the visits. The bond between dad and daughter can be very strong. Are you jealous of the closeness? I'm trying to figure out from what you have posted, why you are at your wits end. It doesn't seem all that bad to me. NancyLouise
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
obaby, I can't tell if yourboyfriend is just helping his daughter & you have some boundary problems, or whether the two of them are actually the bonded 'couple' & you're a third wheel.

I once had a boyfriend who *proudly* told me that he had "fallen in love" with his youngest daughter *at her birth*.

I finally realized that I was "the other woman", & there's no way to win in a situation like that.

I'm so sorry.
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
obaby -- I agree with NancyLouise. What you've described doesn't sound at all out of the ordinary. Lots of parents see their 20-something kids that often, run errands with them, etc. That you have a different type of relationship with your grown kids doesn't make this one "bad" or yours "good".

Your boyfriend is her Dad and will always be her Dad. She is his daughter and will always be his daughter. If you push your opinions too far, you'll be the one on the outs, not her. If you truly can't handle your boyfriend being close to his daughter, you do need to leave and find someone who more closely shares your viewpoint.

This post was edited by Jewel654 on Thu, Oct 23, 14 at 9:53
dreamgarden
11 years ago
sanman12-"We have a 25 yo son. He is a constant flash point in our marriage. I think we still want to be together. I am overwhelmed with the thought of him living with us indefinitely."

You've done your job of raising him to adulthood. You and your husband have provided him with all the tools (good education) he needs to be a productive member of society. It is time to grow up.

If he were my kid, I'd rent him an apt. Pay ahead for 6 months (in HIS name) plus the deposit. Have him put the utilities in his name.

Help him move in and then change the locks on the house. Tell him he cannot move back in and that if he doesn't want to stay (and pay for) the apt, he will have to go live with a friend. Time for the buck to stop. Tough love has to start somewhere.

You and your husband have paid your 'dues'. Now the rest is up to him.

Good luck.
kathyg_in_mi
11 years ago
We sold the house and moved up north. Left 30 year old son behind. BUT, he was ready to move on.
We didn't have him pay rent, but when my fridge broke he bought me a new one!
Very responsible young man. 8 years later and he's married and has 2 beautiful children.
mudhoney
11 years ago
This posting really freaks me out, because I fear I could be there in a few years. My stepson is 18, but has no life skills, has never worked, no friends, no real motivation to move out as far as I can tell. The computer has sucked the life out of him, and I want the internet cut off completely. Not sure if hubby will ever go along with that. I can't imagine living here with him forever....
backtonh
11 years ago
My opinion, maybe a little bit of all the above. If this young person is a young adult and has not lived on their own, there are reasons. Maybe a bit of everything. But make a plan, put it in writing, give them first last and security deposit and make them understand the agreement, then sign it and stick to it. Sometimes it is easier to be lazy and or not seek help. Wish I had even half the help that is available today (for free or small money) when I was there. Don't separate b/c of this young adult..stick to a plan and Good luck

Separating because of adult son

PhoneLady

Comments (11)

Karen10125

Related Discussions

PhoneLady

obaby

nancylouise5me

sylviatexas1

jewelisfabulous

dreamgarden

kathyg_in_mi

mudhoney

backtonh

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US