Separating because of adult son

12 years ago

We have a 25 yo son. Unemployed, living at home, no friends, does not leave the house. He has an associates degree and recently graduated from an I.T. Computer program where he earned various computer certifications.

He is a constant flash point in our marriage. I think we still want to be together. I am overwhelmed with the thought of him living with us indefinitely. I am 55 and about ready to retire and move on to the next chapter in (our) more likely my life. We have been married 29 years and I have never been so unhappy.

I work in the I.T. Field. I received an early retirement package from my former employer. I currently work as an consultant for another I.T. Company from my home.

Any sound advice out there

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PhoneLady

12 years ago

Give him a month to move out and then stick to it.

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Comments (11)

Karen10125
12 years ago
The three of you need to sit down, write a plan and like PhoneLady said, stick to it. Obviously the plan should start with him getting a job, saving $, future apartment, etc. The fact that he has no friends and is 25 years old concerns me, so I think counseling/therapy might be needed as well. Don't wait any longer to do this, easier now than when he's 30 or 40 years old. Best of luck to you.
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PhoneLady
12 years ago
And is it possible your son is depressed? Because there's help for that too. Most 25 year old men really don't want to live with their parents.
obaby
11 years ago
I am going thru something similar, with my boyfriend's daughter, she is 20 yrs old & stays here 2 or more nights a week. as it is he gives her rides to & from work,plus takes her to run errands.i feel she is taking advantage of us & needs to realize she's an adult now & doesnt need to do over night visits with daddy anymore. I have 2 grown kids & they would never even think of intruding. I'm at my wits end & am seriously thinking i'll leave if it doesnt stop soon. fed up in maine...
nancylouise5me
11 years ago
Obaby, does the BF's daughter have a car, is it in the shop? A visit a couple of nights a week, no big deal to me. How does your BF feel about the visits. The bond between dad and daughter can be very strong. Are you jealous of the closeness? I'm trying to figure out from what you have posted, why you are at your wits end. It doesn't seem all that bad to me. NancyLouise
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
obaby, I can't tell if yourboyfriend is just helping his daughter & you have some boundary problems, or whether the two of them are actually the bonded 'couple' & you're a third wheel.

I once had a boyfriend who *proudly* told me that he had "fallen in love" with his youngest daughter *at her birth*.

I finally realized that I was "the other woman", & there's no way to win in a situation like that.

I'm so sorry.
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
obaby -- I agree with NancyLouise. What you've described doesn't sound at all out of the ordinary. Lots of parents see their 20-something kids that often, run errands with them, etc. That you have a different type of relationship with your grown kids doesn't make this one "bad" or yours "good".

Your boyfriend is her Dad and will always be her Dad. She is his daughter and will always be his daughter. If you push your opinions too far, you'll be the one on the outs, not her. If you truly can't handle your boyfriend being close to his daughter, you do need to leave and find someone who more closely shares your viewpoint.

This post was edited by Jewel654 on Thu, Oct 23, 14 at 9:53
dreamgarden
11 years ago
sanman12-"We have a 25 yo son. He is a constant flash point in our marriage. I think we still want to be together. I am overwhelmed with the thought of him living with us indefinitely."

You've done your job of raising him to adulthood. You and your husband have provided him with all the tools (good education) he needs to be a productive member of society. It is time to grow up.

If he were my kid, I'd rent him an apt. Pay ahead for 6 months (in HIS name) plus the deposit. Have him put the utilities in his name.

Help him move in and then change the locks on the house. Tell him he cannot move back in and that if he doesn't want to stay (and pay for) the apt, he will have to go live with a friend. Time for the buck to stop. Tough love has to start somewhere.

You and your husband have paid your 'dues'. Now the rest is up to him.

Good luck.
kathyg_in_mi
11 years ago
We sold the house and moved up north. Left 30 year old son behind. BUT, he was ready to move on.
We didn't have him pay rent, but when my fridge broke he bought me a new one!
Very responsible young man. 8 years later and he's married and has 2 beautiful children.
mudhoney
11 years ago
This posting really freaks me out, because I fear I could be there in a few years. My stepson is 18, but has no life skills, has never worked, no friends, no real motivation to move out as far as I can tell. The computer has sucked the life out of him, and I want the internet cut off completely. Not sure if hubby will ever go along with that. I can't imagine living here with him forever....
backtonh
11 years ago
My opinion, maybe a little bit of all the above. If this young person is a young adult and has not lived on their own, there are reasons. Maybe a bit of everything. But make a plan, put it in writing, give them first last and security deposit and make them understand the agreement, then sign it and stick to it. Sometimes it is easier to be lazy and or not seek help. Wish I had even half the help that is available today (for free or small money) when I was there. Don't separate b/c of this young adult..stick to a plan and Good luck

Separating because of adult son

PhoneLady

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Karen10125

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