Loss of Adult Son

sewluv2

Lost adult son one day into his thirtieth year this May. I still feel like I'm in this bad dream and when I awaken things will be okay. Never, in a million years did I believe I'd be walking in these shoes. Our lives are devastated, dreams shattered. Never again to hear his voice, see his face or touch him. Life is so brief. How do you carry on??

SaveComment166Like
Comments (166)
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
derryw

I really do not know, except to get up each day "and do the next thing" and then the next, and the next. No matter how small. Each little task takes you one step further. Even if all you do is dress, and do each mundane thing.
I feel badly for you. Welcome to the forum. Each of us knows the feelings too well. Derry

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lucy925

Its been 31/2 yrs since my daughter left us at 34yrs. I still have that unreal feeling. A good support system really helps. At first I let the anger come out on my poor husband, now though I couldn't appreciate him more. The 1st two yrs are really tough. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
PRO
Nell Jean

There are a number of us here who lost an adult child. My son died a year ago in a traffic accident in Alabama. It gets different after a while. His name is not the first thought I have when I awake; now it's a few minutes later.

There are loose ends to tie up that take a long time. I'll never again be the person I was before. Time passes. Scars form. They get picked open. You keep going. There's lots of anger and energy flying around that's hard to use constructively. Some people join a group; I haven't. I do work in a supportive environment. You keep going. Sometimes you have to take some time off, but you keep going.

I once received a card from a cousin whose son had died several years before of cancer. She ended with, "We miss him So." I know now what she meant. I made a memorial web site. I think the term for it is 'busy work' but it fills a void. It isn't inspiring, it's just a few photos that I like. You're welcome to visit.

Nell

Here is a link that might be useful: Gary's Site

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lulie___wayne

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your son. It doesn't matter how old our children are when we lose them, they are still our babies. It hurts and we miss them forever.
We lost our precious 19 year old, Christin, 6 years ago. Sometimes it is still hard to believe that this nightmare has really happened. It's a nightmare that has not ended. It's a nightmare that I feel when I am awake and have solace in sleep.
It does get different and less intense. As much as we don't want it to happen, the memories get faded, the intense pain is not there every second, but does still come in waves at times.
I have made sure that I have people in my life that have experienced losing a child. Those are the ones who I feel a bond with. Those are the ones who know the pain.
In addition to having close friends who don't mind me talking about Christin when I want to, I have read many books on the afterlife, Christian books, after death communication books, I try to concentrate on the people that are still here that I love, I try to spend my time doing constructive things, I have made sure that her memory will be kept alive by forming 2 scholarships at different universities, and we've had a web site made for her, and had various other things done to preserve her memory. Different people find comfort in different things. You have to do what you need to do to get any kind of comfort and strength to deal with this situation. Unfortunately, we have to deal with it every single and day and will have to until the moment we take our last breath and see them again. :-)
Please continue to come here and vent whatever feelings that you are having. We all know the pain of grief. Not all have lost children, but any loss of a loved one hurts and it is still grief and many of the feelings are the same.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
alisande

Glad to see you here. I remember that feeling of horrible astonishment--I lost one of my children!--now three years later. But it's not gone completely...every so often I'm hit with it, but not constantly like I was at first.

I can't add to the wisdom the others shared, except to say when you can't imagine where to go or what to do, one foot in front of the other is a good plan. Reading helps.

Susan

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
terrizx

i am sorry for the loss of your son....i think that no matter what age a child is when they are taken from you the grief hurts just as bad....i hope you will find some comfort here ...these are a wonderful group of people here who will share alot of their experiences with you regarding that ugly word ...GRIEF.....there is nothing that you could say regarding your feelings that you are going thru that are too outrageous so let your feelings flow...you will find that those of us who are past our 1st year of losing someone have survived...altho alot of us would rather not...i have heard it somewhere the felling of losing a child expressed as"how does anyone hurt this bad and live"....like lu said everything that you do to memorialize your son will help in the healing process...please share with us anything that you feel comfortable with sharing...we will understand...i know i would not have survived without this groups support

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sewluv2

Thanks to all for responding to my post. I, too, read books on near death experiences and life after death hoping to reaffirm my former beliefs that there is an afterlife. Have any of you ever experienced contact with the other side ie: apparitions, unusual sounds, dreams etc.? I so desperately want something to happen so I can continue to believe.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
PRO
Nell Jean

All my experiences can be explained as 'coincidences' but they are personal to me and I find comfort in the smallest things.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
alisande

I've had a multitude of dreams and other signs, some of which I've talked about here. Other members have talked about theirs, too.

Here's a link to a thread in which I posted links to numerous other posts about our "signs." I think you'll find them comforting.

Click here

Susan

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
rosie65

I just lost my adult son (42 years old) on November 15, 2007. I am still confused and bewildered and the funeral and wake seem like a bad dream. My family is pushing me to celebrate Thanksgiving today at my daughter-in-law's sister's house, but I am going with a heavy heart. He was sick a long time, but no matter how much I knew he was dying, it was a horrible shock. I want more time - I can't accept it's over.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
elsie80

For Rosie65

I am in the same situation as you, with the same kind of family pressures to celebrate holidays as they come along, and be bright and cheery. My son Will had been ill for a long time, and even though I knew he could not survive this final illness, when he died I still could not accept it. My life partner had died two days before after a year's illness from cancer, so the one person I could have shared my grief with I was also grieving for. Sometimes the pain is more than I think I can bear, but somehow we survive this, and it really will ease in time I am told, but it takes quite a while. It will never really go away: it simply won't be as painful.
I, like you, couldn't accept it is over, but I'm beginning to recognize that it really is true. It only makes me cry more right now. I think of the wonderful times from his early youth and adulthood, and cherish those memories. That is a gift, even though it's painful right now.

Cry, scream, grieve in the way you need to. I hope you are in a situation where you can do this without other people observing you. In our western culture, we are poor at dealing with those who are grieving. Most people are embarrassed by the open expressions of grief. Stiff upper lip and all that. I hate it.

Know that many of us share your pain.

All best - Elsie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
barb_64

It will be 3 months on march 10th and my son was 25yrs old. I know its hard not hearing his voice. But, our sons would want us to get up every morning and go on. Stay busy ! They wouldnt want us mourning over the loss of them. Remember the good times with him. Just remember You will FOREVER have memories of him....you will FOREVER love him...you will FOREVER miss him. God has a job for him and thats why he had to go home to him. I have a poem for you ....I have it in a picture frame on my computer desk. God Bless

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
carold_citlink_net

I lost my 30 year old son on july 4th. Its been 6 months. He was my sweet boy. I still cant believe its real.I still cry every day. I want to hold him and hug him and tell him every thing will be ok like I have been for years. I guess life was just to hard for him to go on. Now all i want to do is be with him again. The pain is not just emotional. It is physical as well. It is very hard to go on.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mav63_2007

To everyone,
I am so sorry for your loss, no one should have to grieve for a child. I cannot imagine your pain.
Grieving pain is very physical. My DH has been in heaven for 4 years and there are still times when I feel physically ill when certain memories hit me, it probably always will.
God Bless and comfort everyone.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
melaska

Sewluv,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I just posted my story on the forum. We lost our grown son 21 months ago. The things that carry me through are the memories I have, the little things that remind me of him.

I've been living in the homebuilding & kitchen forums and I keep seeing door measurements of 6' 8". Our son was 6' 7" and I think, "Yep, he'd have to duck that door, too (like he did ours here). Just little things that remind me...it can be a 2-edged sword, bitterness & sweetness in one swift pull. But, at least I remember.

My main comfort is my Faith & the knowledge that I WILL see him again someday...the sting of death will forever be swallowed on that day. I ask myself, "Yeah, that's nice...but what about TODAY?" Try to remember something good to ponder on. Make a picture album and set it out. What helped me was to make a collage of my son's Bible & his big size 17 workboots along with a scripture and gave it to each of his 3 sisters.

Let us know how you are doing, ok? HUGS

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Signsfromourlovedone

Hello: For us it was the loss of our son Billy who crossed over to heaven on June 26 2004. I have read about others who have suffered the loss of their child and it doesn't matter what age they are when they go to heaven, it hurts greatly.I have also read about others talking about the afterlife and signs from their loved ones.
We have a website www.oursonbilly.com which anyone can visit read our complete story and view a few pages of the type of signs that we have and continue to receive from Billy.

God Bless
Guy

Here is a link that might be useful: oursonbilly

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
ebholmes_nbnet_nb_ca

For us it was the lossof an adult son , 32 to a tragic accident July 13,2011. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I have good days and bad days. I know that I am not alone, but it seems that I am. There is nothing like losing a son, your baby at that.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
samassey56_yahoo_com

Our son was found dead in his bedroom on April 30, 2011. I cannot begin to explain the heart ache I feel. He had been through so much over the last 5 years, through 2 bouts with cancer. He was so handsome. He lost his house, his car and his friends to the long drawn out treatments of the cancer he had been through. He was just beginning to get his life back together. We know that on Tuesday before he was found dead on Saturday he accepted Jesus as his Savior. We have the blessed hope of seeing him agan. He sent me flowers for Mother's Day and I received them 1 week after he died, that was a blessing. However, I miss him so bad, we had lunch every Thursday. I have many good memories and many sad memories. I have a lot of support from my church family and friends. There are good days and there are days that are not so good.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jeriellen59_yahoo_com

My son was found dead the morning of May 3rd, 2011. He was 29 and the love of my life. I can't believe how much this hurts. It seems like my heart will never feel the same again. It amazes be how differently people grief. My son's dad has choice to handle this in a very negative way. I know that my son would not want this. We have been divorced for many years, but as parents, we had to deal with this together. I hate that he has made this harder on so many people. I have distant myself from him and have arrived back home with my son's ashes to mourn in my own time and way. I know that it will take time, but right now I can't see it ever getting easier.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
aml5826_yahoo_com

I lost my 34 yr. old son on May 22, 2010....words cannot express my grief!!!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
heather38

(I will get on message) I don't really but do know how I ended up here, I lost my parent's not young but relatively, 33 when my dad died, 27 with my Mum, so my twin 6 years olds never met them, today they are obsessed with death and crying that they don't want mommy to get old and die, I tried to explain but it is pointless to a child and the awful moment I used my Grandad as an example of living, he is 92, and my Mums Dad, even a 6 year old says but that is "not fair" and I cried for my Grandad today, he arrived with me minutes after my mum died, he refused to see her body, he kept repeating, I saw her born, I should not see her dead, it's wrong, it should be me, that was 14 years ago, he still can't talk about it, it upset me at the time and I felt angry at him, but now I have children I understand. I hope this make some sence?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kathrynu2_gmail_com

Seven months today since the loss of my 18 year old son who wopuld have been 19 May 13th. I am heart broken, devastated and I cry daily. I am surrounded by those that love me and that I love dearly but i am alone and prisoner in my own pain.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lesleyomoore_earthlink_net

I lost my son in a drowning accident, he was 32 years old. This accident happened on April 10th. This was my youngest child. I hurt and cry everyday. I was hospitalized for 7 days after his death. Some days I feel like I can't go on. I started a journal shortly after his death so I could see if I progressed any. I am glad to read others stories, because I can relate. I think of him every minute of the day. I try to let my other children know that I love them. I don't want them to feel neglected. Thanks to everyone for their comments.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
charlene2447_yahoo_com

I lost my beloved son in a work accident on August 5 2008...Not a day goes by that I don't miss him and sometimes it seems my heart will break. Its coming on to 3 years and I still don't believe he's gone...I treasure each little memory we made together. Its hard because people are tired of this since their lives have moved on. My husband and mom died within 5 years of this loss and I feel totally alone. I'm 64 and can't find purpose in my life. I have two daughters that are married with children and very busy with their lives .... I'm glad for them but I need some passion in my life.....any comments are welcome.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
acrews_centurylink_net

We lost our son July 3, 2011. He was 33 years old, married with a 10 year old son of his own. I miss him so much every day. I am so afraid his son will forget him, I know he needs his Dad! Our son was my husband's best friend and I don't know what to do to make it better. Everything reminds me of him. I am glad I found this place. We have our faith, and I know I will be with my son again. But, I want him now!!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
YeshuaSvs_jesusanswers_com

I can't do it. I just can't.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mav63_2007

Hello Jill,
What is it you can't do??? Please tell us, maybe we can help.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Burtsmomforever

It has been 5 weeks since my 30 year old son choked to death. He was so sick as a baby we were told by the doctors he wouldn't make it but we fought the hard fight and he lived. People tell me to be thankful for the time we had him, and I am but I want to talk to him, hug him, smell him. He was my friend as well as my son. We had a connection unlike most parents and children because we had been through so much. His childhood was so drastically different from most children of people I know. He was always in and out of the hospital, having surgery and on the edge of death. But he had been so healthy. Work was picking up for him, he was excited about the mall reopening after the flood and being able to get back to "cruising and talking to my friends" as he put it on the way home from work the night that he died. He did not drive so we took him to work every morning and picked him up every night. He took care of my parents. Not something that most 30 year olds choose to do. So you see he was a special person. And we saw him twice a day, everyday. The night he died he took one bite out of a hamburger and choked, I asked if he was ok and he nodded to me, I made him talk to me because if he could talk he could breathe and he had a swallowing problem so that was normal for me to do. I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him, chew his food good and would see him the next morning. 10 minutes later I get a call saying he can't breathe. The paramedics worked on him for 40 minutes and couldn't ever get a heartbeat. At least half of them knew him personally so they tried so hard to make him live. The second bite of hamburger is what took his life, it got lodged and no one could get it out. He couldn't overcome it.
I have wailed until I cannot wail anymore, until my voice has literally gone. I cry every single day and when I feel like I have made a few steps forward, the next second I take more steps backward.
For the first 3 weeks or so I must have been in shock, I told myself it was going to be okay, there was a reason he was taken so soon, and that the person God put him here to encounter and impact was met on that fateful Monday and that is why he did not make it until Tuesday. Now I cannot find any sense in his death. Why can other people have their children and I can't have mine?
Surely I will get past this one way or another. I want to get back to work but as soon as I try, I feel as though I'm slogging through mud and can't make a complete sentence and can't comprehend what others are saying to me. How can I work when I can't function?
I've been trying to do what the experts say, exercise, cry when I need to cry, take as much time as I need for myself but I must be trying to rush it.
I need to hold my son, to laugh with him and talk about the upcoming football season. I want to get up early and take him to work and then take him to watch his favorite country band after work. I will never again be able to do those things. I question what I did in my life to have caused me to have to endure this agony. I try to be a good person, tried to be a good mom, what did I do wrong?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mav63_2007

Dear Burtsmom,
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss,I cannot imagine the pain of loosing a child. My only reference is the death of my darling husband and the deep pain and grief that brought me.You and your son went through so much since his birth and your closeness is a testimony to how much you love each other. I think you might benefit from a grief counselor, I saw one and the experience was very valuable. He told me that the pain was so severe because our love was so strong and this is very obvious in your case. Your son loves you very much and he will be sad to see you in so much pain but he understands because he misses you too. The pain will get better but it will take time and you may need help.I went back to work by visiting for a couple of hours one day so that my co-worker could give their condolences then I could go home and cry, then I started back to work on a Wednesday so that I didn't have to work a full week the first time. It eased me slowly back and made it less tramatic.
I promise that there will come a time when the pain will be easier and you will be able to dwell on the good times you had together, it will take a while but everything takes baby steps. Have faith in God, he is taking care of your darling son until the day that you get there and can take over again and he will take care of you too until that day.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Burtsmomforever

Mav63 2007,
Thanks for your kind words. Today has been an especially bad day for both me and my husband. I have asked about grief counseling and have been told by everyone I have talked to that it is too soon. I still have too much grief in me for it to do any good. The first place I called was Alive Hospice since they do such good work, and they told me to wait, and then the mental health place told me just last week it was too early but they are there when it's time.
We have done a couple of jobs, we are painters, and our customers are very understanding but it was hard to just get through each day. I am supposed to be training for a new job but cannot concentrate enough to get what I need. I set goals for myself, that I am going to call to set up the training for such and such a day and that day comes and I am a complete and total wreck. So I have to put it off.
I have so many friends who call and check on me to make sure I am ok, but I will never be ok again. I don't see how it'll ever happen.
I don't want to lose my faith but day by day I keep questioning why my son had to die and it doesn't have any rhyme or reason. I will try to continue on the best way I can and keep asking about grief counseling until it's time so I can overcome this. We overcame so much in my son's short life that I know we can overcome this.
Again, thanks for the kind words.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
njhalford_gmail_com

My son's best friend from high school died in a car accident a few days ago. The boys were inseparable. They would hang at our house one weekend then his house the next. He often brought his younger brother. I guess an extended family situation? He married my son's ex girlfriend...a girl he had known since he was 5. She was injured in the accident that occurred while his 20 yr old brother was driving. I am devastated.I am not sure why my sense of loss is so intense. I hurt for the parents, the brother and the guilt I know he feels,for the 24 yr old wido and for my son who has lost his friend...how do you make it stop?

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Burtsmomforever

It's been over two months since my adult son died. The pain is no less than it was the first day. I have been working but like a zombie. I find that I can manage to work a couple days a week and then have to take almost a week off. Cleaning out paperwork is the worst. I have been looking for cemetery papers to prove what I bought in 1993, and to show them that I did not buy what they are saying I did. It's been a mess on top of the worst thing to ever happen in my life. I found a file that I kept with his medical history in it, and the last entry was 3/01. I had to add a final entry, 7/18/2011 Choked to death. It is now filed away in the filing cabinet.
Going through all of his old schoolwork was heartwrenching and sweet all at the same time. To see his handwriting progress from a child to a teenager and to read the things he wrote. He was truly my angel.
I have been in touch with my doctor and she said she sees an improvement in my mood/attitude. I think it's because the medicine helps me maintain my composure and helps me not to cry uncontrollably at inappropriate times. I still cry every day and at night I cry so hard I can't breathe.
I find that I am able to talk about him, laugh about his silly ways, and other things without falling totally apart. But then other times all it takes is a word or phrase that sets me off.
I still have a long, long way to go on my grief journey and have reached out to grief counselors only to be told if I have not been diagnosed as being depressed they can't help me! I am not depressed, I am just very sad that my son is buried in the ground and not at work or at my parents sitting in his underwear where he just got out of bed at 2 pm!
I have reached out to other organizations to see about grief counseling, but I find that writing on this blog, emailing my son every few days to tell him what I feel and what is going on helps me immensely.
I hope that each and everyone of you is finding more peace in your lives. We are in a club we never wanted to join and the membership fees were more than we wanted to pay.
Take care of yourselves and try to move forward each day.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
BarbaraSJ

I lost my 35-year old son December 15, 2011, when a woman driving a minivan turned left in front of his motorcycle. He was not speeding. His last act was to maneuver the bike to save his girlfriend (who I'd met only once but he'd been in a relationship with for about 3 years) who had her femur fractured in multiple places. I tried to be kind and attentive to her, but perhaps because of her injuries (she also hit her head), perhaps because of the drugs she's on, she seems to feel as if she has a right to all of his belongings and deserves a say in every decision that is made. He died without a will and has no children. In this state, she has no rights, other than the courtesy I was extending to her before she made cruel accusations and disagreed with my every move, claiming to know my son's (who was also my best friend) mind better than I. So in addition to having my heart broken, this seemingly crazy woman is stomping on the courtesy and concern I and my family showed her, disrespecting my son's wishes (he would never let her say the things she's said to me), and making me sorry I ever tried to be nice to her. I feel as if I'm juggling chainsaws. I will never hear him say, "I love you, Mummy" again.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Burtsmomforever

Barbara,
I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard enough to lose a child without the complication of having someone who thinks they know what is best. I was fortunate in that my son did not have a wife or girlfriend who tried to override my decisions. Sometimes kindness toward certain people ends up biting you in the butt. I had people who tried to step in and plan my son's funeral but even in my grief I made sure that they had no say.
My son has been gone 5 months now and it seems like yesterday, so please give youself some time. Ignore the girlfriend, she only thinks she knows best. When she comes to her senses, if she ever does, she will hopefully apologize to you. Until then know that you did what you as a mother needed to do. My heart goes out to you, but know that you are not alone in your grief. Take care of yourself is the only thing I can tell you right now.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
beegood_gw

My daughter passed away Nov 2011. We were very close as she was single and so am I.She was 42 . There isn't a day goes by that I wish she was back even just for one day. Everyone says that time heals. It doesn't. All it does is maybe help you deal with it.I have close friends and they are a help. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Burtsmomforever

Beegood,
My 30 year old son passed away in July 2011. In just two short months it'll be a year. Time does not heal, that is a lie. I have become a member of another grief site that has forums for parents who have lost children from miscarriage to adults. It has helped me immensely and lets me know that no matter what I am going through I am not alone. The website is www.missfoundation.org. You can look at it and see if it's for you. I find a lot of comfort there, I actually found out about it on here from another MISSter.
I hope you can find some peace.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
beegood_gw

Thank you. I will look at that site. I need something to help me accept this . Not a day goes by that I don't wonder WHY WHY WHY? Grief counselling isn't for me as I "m a very private person who can not talk to strangers about this. Thank heavens for good friends,

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
beegood_gw

I went to the site but felt they wanted too much info. So did not register. But thanks anyways. I'm sure it wud have been helpful but don't like giving out stuff like that.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Deb125

I lost my so was 36 and he was married and had two children. He died of a Heart attack. He had not been sick this is a total shock. He die December of 2012. It has only been a few months I do not know how to go on without him. I miss him each day. I wake up thinking of him and go to bed thinking of him. My heart is totally broken. People tell me I must get over this and carry on. My mind days this but my heart will not listen it is hurting. I hurt each day and cry each day wish I had just one more telephone call from him.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
heather287

The pain is so intense at times and other times there is just shock and numbness. Death is a terrible enemy and the sting never goes away. My 40 year old son Christopher David died on 30th June 2012 at 12.15pm, 15 minutes after his life support was disconnected. I had my hand on his heart and felt it stop. I helped to wash him, cleaned his teeth, washed his hair and his feet. Because he had been injured in a freak accident there had to be a police inquiry so I was able to stay with him for some time before the police took him away. He had two surgeries and I was able to spend one whole night with him with my head on the pillow talking to him all night. when I spoke he would twitch and the medical staff said hearing is the last sense to go so I comfort myself that he heard me comforting him and willing him to live. I took clothes to the forensic centre after the autopsy and they dressed him in his favorite woolie cap and a nice linen shirt his sister bought him.I wept over him and told him my tears would go with him to his cremation. I stayed some time. I told him I was angry with him for his lifestyle which had contributed to his accident, I kept saying to him "how did it come to this?" I said goodbye to my darling boy, he was my youngest, my baby, the adored darling of his older brother and sister. One of his sisters was like his twin even tho she was 2 years older. They were joined at the hip.When he died she ran out of the ICU screaming, then grabbed a taxi and took off to a friend's place where she kept screaming. I took photos, he looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping. the photos are on a usb stick. The last thing I did for my boy was to wait at the crematorium for him to arrive (he was privately cremated we had a separate memorial service) To my horror the funeral directors had given me the wrong time and he was already there, so I couldn't say goodbye, I just had to wait in the garden and pray while he was cremated. I may look at the photos again but not now. I felt that his 13 year old son who was his best mate may sometime in the future want to see them, his dad had the accident while his boy was with his Mum and he never saw him again.His 13 yr old son wanted to have the ashes to plant a tree over so I asked for a lovely biodegradable tube with sunflowers all over it. He decided he wants to keep the tube for a while , children are amazing. I gave him sunflower seeds to plant All this was comforting at the time and I'm glad I did it. My relationship withmy son was like a roller coaster, he had ADHD and his lifestyle was destructive at times. My pain is really kicking in now, I have no energy for life and am disconnected and sad. I know I will see him again and when he comes back he will be mentally healthy, but I want to talk to him now, to resolve issues to work out whether I was "a bad parent" When he had mental issues he blamed differant family members at differant times and was usually estranged from one or more. All the posts have been comforting and have helped me to realize that the sting of death will never go away until I see him again, but I will have to hang in there. I am so sorry for the losses I have read about and I feel your pain

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
heather287

I have been going for grief counselling,however at this time it hasn't been much help. this site has helped enormously and I will return to it again. It has helped me get rid of what feels like "emotional constipation" I think it is that you don't always want to burden people and all you really want to do is talk about your loss which makes many friends uncomfortable. To talk to others in this horrible "exclusiveclub" is arelief. One suggestion the grief counsellor made that I have started is to write letters to my son, talk about seeing him again, and I am going to make an album with happy memories and comforting scriptures like where Jesus said before he resurected Lazurus " the hour is coming when all those in the memorial tombs will come out" and "there is going to be a resurection of the righteous and the unrighteous" Thank you all for listening, reading your posts has helped me see what I am going throughis normal, and I will have to learn to put one foot in front of the other.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JanetLK

My son was found in his bed May 13th, 5 weeks ago. He was 29. All I think is what could have been, and now there is nothing. I am searching for something to help me. How to go on day to day. I don't know how. Losing him is like a nightmare and I find it so hard to get through a day. Reading the other posts brings me some hope.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JanetLK

I read heather287 (My Page) on Wed, Mar 20, 13 at 11:35
post and it could have been me that wrote so much of what she wrote. Sometimes knowing that someone has to grieve the way I have to grieve, and try to understand my son's choices of life makes me feel a bit better. I often think what type of mother I was. Did I fail.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
heather287

Janet, my grief counseller asked me that even if I had dealt with things differantly would I still be second guessing about the way I brought up my child.......genetics can play a huge part and also mental illness which
christopher suffered from. I agonised over whether I did anything wrong during my pregnancy....or was too strict....too lenient.. the list goes on. I have three other children who don't have ADHD and they have a good relationship with us. Of course they feel that we made mistakes, but what parent doesn't. All our children were loved and knew it, as I'm sure your son did. If onlys are destructive.......ALL parents make mistakes...we are imperfect after all. The world today is very toxic for any young person with problems.......as parents we cannot insulate them.........I recently heard a radio interview with a highly respected headteacher who apologised to his students for what he described as "toxic poisonous society" guilt is destructive, concentrate on the happy times you had with your child. I still think of myself as having four children even tho one is sleeping in death. Talk about your child, grieve for your child, you may find support with others who have experienced tragedy such as yours. My counseller suggested I write to my son a sort of diary that I can show him when he wakes from the dead. As I have realized tho, everyone's grieving process is differant...there is no formula...but grieve you must. If you seel professional help it needs to be with someone you feel comfortable with.
Sorry for rambling on again...I know what a painful road you are travelling. My son's heart stopped 12months ago at 12.15pm Sunday 30th June. Ihave regressed and can't face going out or mixing with people...however I have been functioning in the past and I will again. It's just a major hiccough which took me by suprise.....it will pass....I have so many that love me.
I feel for all who have posted their feelings, we all belong to a horrible "exclusive club" but we can help each other

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JanetLK

Thank you Heather for your reply. I know the only people who know the pain have lived the pain. It is always just under the skin. I think the bottom line is I want my son. I still feel I want to protect him. I also think did I do something wrong to make him the way he was. I think society is toxic, he always said it was. But Evan always was very negative and that was part of his problem. But many times he was so much fun, everyone remembers his laugh. You made me feel better Heather, thank you

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
kramyeltnuh

I lost my 18 year old son on Halloween 1 1/2 ago---I have read a few books, talked to friends, all that stuff, but this is the first thing I stumbled on that I felt compelled to join.
He was killed head on with a tractor trailer...while texting. I am a State Legislator so I pulled a few strings to get the pictures of the accident...not a good idea...what a violent death my poor boy had...as I have said many times..."This is NOT a club you want to belong to" - The pain? Ebbs and flows, someone mentioned that now after several years they can actually go a few minutes without thinking of it.. WOW, I thought look what I've got to look forward to...still pretty fresh for me as the 2 year anniversary is Halloween 2013, couple months away... most days...I cant believe it...and that's the good days...the bad days...awful dark...but, as was said to me the day of...don't forget.... YOUR alive...im like "can u just shut up"

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
judywil43

Hello,
My oldest of two sons, Ben, passed away last month. He was 36 years old, and the best son a mother could ask for. We are waiting for the autopsy report to find out why he died. He seemed so healthy. He left behind a wife and two beautiful children, and of course a mother who can't stand the thought of never seeing her sons beautiful smiling face again or hearing his silly jokes or telling me that I am the best mother a guy could ask for. I don't know what to do to anymore. I'm not functioning. I'm fine with my grandchildren around, but when at home all I do is eat, sit and cry, sleep during the day, I can't sleep at night, I can't stop thinking about him. I hate that his kids won't have their wonderful daddy anymore. He has a 7 year old little boy and his daughter will be 13 next week. Why did such a good father have to be taken. I don't want to sound like I am going on and on, but people don't want to hear me go on about him, I don't think they understand, and I probably wouldn't have either. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening. If anyone read this.

[

](http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/grieving/msg0815505617546.051647088306.jpg)

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
suzieque

Judy, I read your post, and I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful family. I hope that you get the answers you're hoping for.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JanetLK

Judy, I am so sorry. I know you feel like screaming to the world, I lost my child, so unbelievable. I can not truly talk to people as I would always break down. I keep looking for Evan, everywhere. I think there must be some type of sign. I cry and I cry. Your son looks like such a wonderful person. I can not say to you enjoy the memories because like me I just want him. You will have to grieve. Evan has been gone 14 months. Once In awhile I have a few good days. I wish for you a couple of those days. So many times I pray to God "just get me through today". God bless and hold on.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JamiesMum

Sadly our son Jamie died on 24 September 2014 in a road traffic accident. We are still in shock but it has been a comfort to read the posts and understand we are not alone. Thank you.

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JanetLK

I am so sorry for your loss of Jamie, I try to review the messages here, as the people who have followed up with me helped me. So many times I ask God to just get me through today. Now 17 months later I have a few good days back to back. But you have to take the journey of sorrow and heartbreak. God bless and if I could I would help you, but really there is no help, just time and knowing people truly do care and feel your pain, as we have lived it.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
SunnyDJ

I don't know what brought me to this site other than one of my sons passed away earlier this evening....He was 57, married to his high school sweetheart with 2 grown children.. He had been diagnosed with Hodgkins when he was 18 and after surgery and 127 radiation treatments, survived...About 8 years ago, had to have 1 of his heart valves replaced and there again, survived...This past April, after a dental cleaning, although he had been medicated, developed an infection on the replaced valve and had to once again, have surgery...This time, he didn't bounce back....Being a 10 hour surgery, his kidneys were affected and was placed on dialysis, 3 times a week..He was in and out of the hospital needing to have fluid drained from his lungs...He was home for about 6 weeks and was having problems breathing and was found to have a fungal infection on the left lung...His surgery was 2 weeks today, where they scraped the lining of the lung and the doctor was very optimistic about recovery....From then on, dialysis just didn't seem right, breathing was terrible, one thing after the other and just last night the doctor said to gather the family...They had done all/everything they could and now it was time to let him go...All his brothers and 1 sister were with him as was his wife, son and daughter...He was awake but being on the ventilator, couldn't speak but squeezed his wife's hand ..(.My husband had surgery yesterday and I wasn't able to leave him)....The nurses were so caring and had soft music playing close enough for him to hear and even covered him with a special blanket...They disconnected the life support and gave him a sedation and he slowing went to sleep....His passing was pain free and very peaceful....He left us much, much too soon, but he's no longer suffering.....He's at peace!
I honestly don't know how I'll get through the next couple of days, we do have a huge family and all will be supportive but, I've lost a son.....That loss, I'm sure, will never, ever go away........

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sylviatexas1

Sunny, I am so, so sorry.

Try to make everything, every tiny step, as easy on yourself as possible throughout the next few days & weeks.

Eat right, walk, take your vitamins, get enough sleep, & let people help you.

To heck with worrying about the family;
it's their turn to worry about/take care of you.

I am glad you got to have him for so long;
your love for him just shines through your words.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jamesdasmum

I have just found this site I lost my first born adult son on September 11th 2014 five months tomorrow He was the most caring loving affectionate son had an amazing zest for life he loved the family and made it his short life's work to help all of us. He suffered a horrible death when a 32 ton fully laden aggregates lorry knocked him over and killed him outright whilst he was crossing the road, the lorry driver didn't slow down he hit him at full speed

My life seems over I'm finding it so hard I just don't want to go on I want to be with my son agian . I'm numb my heart is broken james was only 30 he had no wife or children so there's nothing left I still i shock this can't be happening


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sylviatexas2
I am so sorry.

My brother told me that losing his son, also in a terrible auto accident, was the worst thing he ever went through.

Maybe it's because, not only are you reeling from the loss of someone you dearly love, but for a parent to outlive a child is upside down; it's counter to the order of things.

Please take care of yourself,;
you know your beloved son would want his mother to remember him & to celebrate his life, & he'd want you to go on & to be happy.

One really good thing to do is to walk, briskly if you are able, for 20 minutes every day;
it not only gets you out of the house, it gets oxygenated blood to your brain & enhances your ability to cope & to think; it makes you feel better.

Also, reach out to people, & let them help you.

Just a trip to the library with a friend, or a coffee or a movie, keep you in touch with life.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss, & I wish you the very best.
Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Swoosie Que

I watched my 37 yr. old son die a torturous death to pancreatic cancer. He left behind a wife, a 4 yr. old daughter and 2 yr. old son, they lived a thousand miles away. He died June 9th, 2015. I've been in a state of "zombieness," I stay busy all day long, doing outdoor projects that I've procrastinated for years. I "do things" because my son was always doing things and he doesn't have a choice now, so it's kind of like honoring his energy by not wasting mine. It's tough and for me, 2.75 months later, it has not improved.

I have a blog that I started a couple years ago when I had breast cancer and I am trying to write-out my feelings. I can't do a memorial page yet, I'm too fragile. If you want to see what I'm talking about, here's a link to one of my recent posts about Mike:

https://cancerisnotpink.wordpress.com/2015/08/22/mikey-forever-in-my-heart/


You're not alone in your grief.

Susan (Swoosique)


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Lynda Durrett

My 37 year old son recently became very ill. He went to the doctor and was told he had an autoimmune disorder that has destroyed his liver and kidneys and attacking other organs. They have given him 2 years if they can slow down the disorder. I watch how sick he gets and how he suffers and It breaks my heart. I lost my only daughter just 2 days after she was born. I am really having a difficult time knowing I have to experience this all again, but in addition I have to see him suffer and all the time life goes on around me. I'm trying to be strong but cry several times a day. Just had to post because I know your pain.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JanetLK

Lynda,. What heartbreak to know you will lose your son. Nothing will prepare you for it. To go through this loss twice is not fair. I will pray for your son and you, as that is all anyone can do to try and support you. God bless and try to keep hanging on.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

I lost my beloved 37 year old son to cancer on August 30th. He was diagnosed with an extremely rare non hodgkins lymphoma 9 months before. He leaves behind a wife and beautiful 3 year old son. He was a person with the biggest heart ready to help anyone and everyone. I can relate to so many of the posts. The pain you feel is unimaginable. There are days I am okay and days I have to force myself to get out of bed. I see my husband's grief at losing his son and best friend. My daughter is suffering so much at losing her only sibling. We are trying our best to help our daughter in law who lost her soul mate and now must raise her little boy without his daddy. I dread the approaching holidays because he is no longer with us. Our grandson understands that daddy is an angel in heaven but at three he doesn't understand that death is final and he keeps saying that daddy is coming home soon. I know that there are no easy answers. They say that time heals all wounds but I can't imagine that to be true. I think you just learn how to cope with it so you go on with life. I thank God that for 8 of the 9 months that he had the cancer he was not in extreme pain. The last month of his life he was suffering terribly. Two days before he died I asked God to please take him because we couldn't see him suffer in agony any more. No one deserves to die like that. I would have switched places with him in a minute if I had been able to. No parent should have to bury there child. I try to go on because I know that is what my son would have wanted. My prayers go out to all of you who are trying to survive the loss of their child

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

jfalcone2003... I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you for sharing this painful time with myself and others. Our 45 yr. old son was diagnosed this September with stage 4 colon cancer which metastasized to his liver.He felt pain one day and received this horhorrible news on the same day. He is receiving chemotherapy. His days are spent at home and he is so tired. Lost so much weight. He is terminal. He and his wife have 3 teen boys. Twins age 17 and a 14 yr. old. Our problem is they live in Vermont and us in Ohio. We are approaching our 70's and have made two trips to be with him, staying a few weeks at a time. We are heading back home tomorrow. He gets so upset when we leave. As others have said..we never expected to have such a thing happen to us. Our faith helps and we are thankful to have this time with him.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Karenjoe1967

Thank you so much for your comments on the loss of our son, Michael. I am so sorry to hear about your son's illness. He, and you, are in our prayers. Please never give up hope. Sometimes miracles do happen, and other times they do not. We can only accept that it is part of God's plan. We celebrated our first Christmas without Michael, and needless to say it was very difficult. However, we did find joy during the day and celebrated his life. His little boy, my grandson Michael, came with my daughter-in-law and my daughter, son-in-law and 3 other grandchildren were with us also as well as Michael's aunts and uncles. We had the little ones, ages 1, 2, 3 and 4, send balloons up to Michael in heaven with messages on them. As we had the children let the balloons go at the same time, they were so excited to watch the balloons rise and disappear into the clouds. As they started to disappear one by one, I told them that daddy (and uncle Mikey as they called him) was catching the balloons. It was the high point of our day. The only advice I can give you as a mom is to be there for your son as much as you can. If it's a phone call, a letter, anything you can do, it will mean so much to him. We were fortunate enough to live close to our son so we were able to be near him everyday. I know it must be so difficult living so far away. Please feel free to write me any time. If I can offer any support, I would love to be there for you as one mother to another. Again, I will keep you and your whole family in our prayers

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Dear jfalcone2003, You are an answer to a prayer I have had that I find someone to connect to .... another mother who knows what this feels like. If you prefer, I would be happy to give you my e-mail address. karenjoe1967@yahoo.com However, either way is fine with me. We are half way home and left Vermont this morning. We are spending the night in New York. I feel like everywhere I go I am mindful of my son. You helped me so much to not feel as though we have abandoned him by saying I can be present to him by calling, texting and Skyping. Your balloon remembrance was a beautiful idea for young and old alike. I will tuck that away in my heart. I would like to share with you a link if I can figure out how to do that. The local tv station did a segment on John and the family. You will also see my husband being interviewed. I will put the link in the next comment I send. Bless you for your prayers. I will do the same for you. We have 9 grands from 2 yrs. to 20. Seven boys! The youngest ones are 8, 6,4 and 2. The 8 and 2 yr.old are girls. Being a grandma is such a joy. Thank you once again. I look forward to staying in touch.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear karenjoe1967. I would love to correspond with you by email. It is so much easier. Please check your email now. I would love to be there for you in any way I can. I wish I had someone there for me this past year when Michael was going through his fight with cancer. My husband was always by my side but as you know a mother suffers her own type of grief

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Rekha A 9a Houston area

I am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you here...


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Thank you very much. It's been 7 months since my son passed. I've learned to go on because that's what my son would have wanted me to do. There is a giant hole in my heart that will never heal and not a day goes by when I do not think of him. I know he is with God and he is no longer suffering and that gives me peace. My grandchildren keep me going and make me smile every day. You just learn to go on a day at a time

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Leeann Fricke

I lost my firstborn son a yr.ago last Dec, everything in my life has changed I feel like life is like looking through a looking-glass dimely to me now, he was 53 yrs old his brother & sister are a stranger from me because of there own grief I lost a little girl 48 yrs ago but this is the harder, feel like I won't make it through this some days!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

I am so sorry for the loss of both of your children. It is so hard to lose a child of any age. This was my daughter's only sibling (both my children are adopted ) and I am still trying to help her heal. They were best friends. My husband and I miss our son terribly and not a day goes by that we don't think of him. He left behind a 3 year old son. My only advice is to take it a day at a time. I have 3 other grandchildren besides my son's little one and that is what keeps me going. I have some wonderful friends also that are there when I need them. Please don't keep your feelings and grief to yourself. Share them with people that you know really care about you. This will help you to heal. Please feel free go to this website again if you need someone to share your feelings with. I will be more than happy to help.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

I lost my 28 yr old son last yr august 19 he left 2 little girls 3&5 behind. I try to carry on for them my other sons& grandchildren but this is so hard. It was only recently that i realized Jordan wouldn't want his death to destroy me. My heart goes out to all the mothers out there who have lost children of any age noone really understands how painful and devastating it is unless it has happened to them. Alot of things went wrong with my son care in hospital i raised issues but nothing was done soon enough he died a painful death he chked himself into hospital walking& talking 2 days later he was dead i feel so much guilt how do u live with the guilt of thinking u could of done something sooner&maybe a different outcome. Its been little over a yr i miss him so much! Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

My son was 37 when he was diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma. In his case the doctors at Sloan Kettering did everything they could to save him. He was diagnosed in January 2015 and he was gone by August 2015. He fought like a warrior throughout his illness and we had all prayed he was going to make it. He left behind a wife and 4 year old son, his heartbroken parents and a devastated sister and brother in law. In your case please do not blame yourself for anything. Mistakes do happen in hospitals but the hospitals will always make sure to cover it up. I too had to watch my son go through an unbearable painful death. It is the worst horror for a parent to watch their children suffer and be unable to ease that suffering. It's been such a hard year for our family also but I also know that my son wants us to go on. My remaining child and four beautiful grandchildren help me smile again and help me to go on. I take things day by day. It's the best we can do. As a family we are doing walks to help raise funds for lymphoma research as a way to honor my son. Please feel free to leave more comments if you need someone to talk too

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me and im so sorry for the loss of your son. No matter what the circumstances it is such a difficult road. My son was in car accident at 14 he had head injury that left him with emotional issues it was a rocky rd for awhile but he worked hard with therapists to get himself together then 4yrs before he died he was diagnosed with adissions disease then because of steriods he had to use he developed diabetes he went into hospital because his sodium levels were low he died from acidosis complication from diabetes no one sat me down explained what was going wrong even tho they had his permission to tell me. A nurse came in and asked in front of family his brothers if he flatlined did i want them to do cpr. He flatlined 3xs the kidney dr at the end tried to save him but he was called in too late. So because of his problems he always depended on me so now i feel i failed him. I never wanted him to have children because of his problems but im glad they are here &i was proud of him he was a good dad and he made sure as soon as he got his very small disability chk he took care of whatever they needed trying hard to be independent &not ask for financial help. It is such a good thing u r doing to honor your son and you are a special person to respond to me when you're grief is just a little over a yr like mine thank u and my thoughts and prayers to u and ur family marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Please do not carry this guilt on your shoulders. You did all you could and you should not blame yourself in any way for your son's death. Like I said earlier doctors and hospitals do make mistakes but they will never admit it. I do not know your religious beliefs but I know that your son and mine are in a better place. Also know that your son would want you to go on with your life. We will never ever forget our sons and we will miss them forever but we go on for the rest of our family as well as ourselves. May God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers. Feel free to contact me any time you need to

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Again i must thank you and say how sorry i am for your loss here you are at the same place i am losing your son in the same month and giving me comfort and support. I try to keep the faith and believe i will see him agn and it is people like you who help me do so. Thank you and God bless i know how much you miss your son too.marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

I have been blessed to count myself as a friend of jfalcone and also want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Our son is in Stage IV colon cancer that has metastasized. He is 46 and has a family. He was diagnosed a year ago. No prior symptoms. Jfalcone has been my support for several months even though she lives many states away. I encourage you to continue to reach out to others who are going through this along side you. You are not alone and no feeling you have hasn't been felt by mothers who are walking this path. Jfalcone has a beautiful gift of encouragement. I think of Michael and how he was loved by his family...his mother. You sound like that as well mcpaul. Sending prayers for all concerned. I am here for you, as well. Karen

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Ask your son to send you a sign. I ask my son to send me feathers and coins. They always turn up in the weirdest places. In my car, in my path, by his grave. Look for butterflies too. There are signs. You may not be aware of them. Hope you don't think I'm crazy. Just a believer that life goes on after we are gone. It will give you much comfort to know he is still with you. It will help you to move past your grief. You will always grieve but it will help you to move on. I look for something to smile about every day

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Mcpaul311. Karenjoe1967 and I have been corresponding through email for several months. We have become dear friends even though we've never met If both of us can help you in any way please let us know. We would love to be able to help you. Joseohine

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Karen,thank you so much for reaching out to me while you yourself are going through so much with your sons illness ive thought about you&your family since i read your post i wanted to find the right words to express my gratitude &let you know you&your family are in my thoughts and prayer you are right jfalcone is a special person and so are you and i want to be here also to listen and support like both of you have done for me it means alot to me more than words can express&i will continue to keep you &your family in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you Marie

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jfalcone, karen is right you are a special person both of you im grateful for along time i just read didnt post but now I'm glad i finally did it means alot to hear from strangers who understand and so kind&caring. I don't think you are crazy i think its beautiful and I want to be more open to a sign. Over the last yr i pushed alot of what happened in hospital out of my mind my sons 5yr daughter was having a difficult time for along time she would only stay with me she lost her other grandmother shortly after my sons death &alot of things made her insecure so i was busy taking care of her as the year aniversary approached i was running my fingers thru her hair,she has wildly curly hair like her dad&i was right back in hospital room with my son as there were so many tube etc thats what i did with him since then all the stuff i had blocked out came back to me that ive avoided so i finally posted and you answered even in the midst of your grief forever grateful for that& i too want to be here for other who need someone to listen to them. Thank you marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,

I have gone through the same emotions as you. After my son Mike passed my mind kept going back to the last week of his life. I kept reliving all his suffering and pain. I, too, kept picturing him hooked up to all the tubes, oxygen, etc. Then I had to remind myself that he is not in that place anymore and his suffering has ended. I'll be honest with you--it took a long time to get those images out of my mind.

We had a similar situation with our little grandson. He was only 3 when his dad passed and all he remembers is that daddy went to the hospital and didn't come home. It is hard for a young child to grasp the idea of heaven. My son's widow was busy dealing with her own grief and she didn't know how to deal with her son's grief. At one point, little Michael said he was angry at his daddy for leaving. My daughter and I explained to him that daddy fought very hard to live and he wanted to stay. We patiently answered all his questions and I am glad to say that now he is in a good place and no longer talks about being angry at daddy. We talk about his daddy all time and now he has a smile on his face when we tell him he is just like his dad. You are doing the right thing with your granddaughter and just keep doing what you are doing and she will be okay.

Please keep in contact. I will help you in any way I can.


Josephine


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

I just wanted to share something we did with little Michael and our other nieces and nephews. On special occasions we would get balloons and write messages for the kids on the balloons. Michaels message would be for his daddy and for my other three grandchildren it would be for uncle Mikey. The children would let the balloons go and we would watch the balloons disappear into the clouds. I would tell them my son was grabbing the balloons from heaven. We did if for Christmas and my son's birthday and Father's Day. The kids absolutely loved it!! We would also make them decorate large rocks and then have them put it by the grave. It helps them to remember my son and the good memories we have of him. And as I'm sure you are already doing encourage your granddaughter to talk about her daddy. Sometimes when a little one loses a parent they are in fear that they will lose their other parent or grandparent. You told me your granddaughter lost another grandparent after losing her dad so she suffered two major losses. We went through same thing with little Michael and we kept telling him that mommy is always going to be there for him as well as us and he doesn't have to worry about ever being alone

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine,thx u agn &yes we did that on my sons birthday also i guess i worry because altho i talk about some things with her like your grandson Michael my granddaughter is very intelligent and i wonder does she see my doubts,how my faith has been shaken i admire you so much i want to believe so much in heaven but i cannot say my faith hasn't been shaken. I begged God to take me and not my son everything happened so fast and so much went wrong i pray still but i admit i wonder if its all in vain. My sons life was complicated unlike my other sons so i always had to be his advocate. Its only people like you that i feel understand I'm a very private person so &just thought i had to be atrong through this whole ordeal for the rest of family and i know now that i have to allow myself to grieve and open up to people. My son suffered from terrible anxiety & depression you said your son fought for his life i cannot say the same after they put him on vent &things didn't get better we gathered around his bed and told him to fight he shook his head no in a way i understand why but it makes me sad. I know he loved his children his brothers all of us but it was too much for him after he died i was asking God why my son and i may be crazy but somewhere in my head i heard the words i choose to come he was suffering too much. I know the last few years were so hard on him the disease side effects of meds his depression his anxiety & fears but letting go for me was so hard as i know it must of been for you im again im so sorry &i don't like to be this person who goes on&on about me when you have suffered the same loss, u are truly a special person.Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine i do want to add that this was your only son your grace& compassion for others is so obvious to me im sorry if i didn't acknowledge this sooner. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie. I understand all that you are saying. I was mad at God for a while and asked him why he would take my son. I also asked him to take me instead of him. I felt that he didn't even hear my prayers. This went on for a couple of months until I connected to my dear friend Karen who has never lost her faith and still places her trust in God. I have come to the realization that it is not God that made Michael sick. Diseases happen to us all of us even children. Slowly I began to regain my faith. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason though we might not know what that reason is right now. When Michael was at the most unbearable pain I prayed to God that if he couldn't save him to please take him to heaven. He died that day a few hours later. So God does answer our prayers. When you said you heard the words I chose to go that was a message from your son. Rather than endure any more suffering he decided it was the time he decided to stop fighting. As hard as it was for all of us to lose our children I feel it was Michaels choice that he couldn't fight anymore and he was ready to leave. Although your faith has been shaken, as mine was, it is never to late to return to God and start believing in him again. Ask him to help you heal and he will answer your prayers. I know in my heart that never a day goes by when I don't think of my child but I know I will see him again when it is my time to go. We all walk down different roads but know that there are others out there to help you heal. I feel my son helped bring Karen and I together to help each other and now Karen and I are here to help you. Please keep reaching out to us. We are there whenever you need us

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

My heart is joined to both of your hearts. A gift. I am so thankful to know we are there for one another. If there is anyone reading this that needs support, join us. Don't walk through this alone.

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

My dear friend Karen. You are so right that we need to be here for others that need our support. We have truly helped each other so much in the months since we connected. Whether you have suffered a major loss in your life or you are you are still going through a major crisis with a loved one it is so important that you know you are not alone. My son Michael had joined a cancer support group and it helped him to connect with others fighting all different types of cancer. He would tell me about some of the people in his group. Many of them were young like him and they would try to help each other by comparing different treatments they were undergoing. I Know this group meant a lot to him and in a way I feel I am continuing his work. So anyone out there who needs another shoulder to lean on please know we are here for you

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine, i havent been feeling well myself &grandkids all got this horrible cold thats been going around so i haven't posted but i just wanted to let you know i think about you&karen everyday. I'm trying to keep my heart open to signs &not be closed minded you answered when alot of stuff had creeped up on me and was feeling very alone you and karen i think and pray for her and her son its a difficult time for her yet like you she still has compassion for other pple like me. I just wanted to touch base with you i and also let you know im hear to listen too if you ever want to talk about your son. God bless Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Karen, just explained to jfalcone ive been little under the weather so haven't posted but i wanted you and her to know i think of you everyday. I am praying for you your son&your family its a difficult time for you &i know how much it hurts when we watch those we love suffer if you ever want to talk i am here besides my experience with my son my dad loss his battle with cancer at age 54 in 1980 i was 20,i had a difficult time even then understanding why such a good father&husband had to go through what he did i admire your strength and i will continue to keep you and him my prayers. Its hard to find the right words to express myself how i just wish there was a way i could make things easier or better for people like you who despite your own pain still reach out to others i guess i still question why bad things happen to good people the question i guess everyone has at one time or another. Plz if ever want to talk i would be here to listen since you and jfalcone responded to me i think about you both and your families everyday. Keeping u in my prayers Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie

I am so glad to hear from you and I am sorry that you and the grandkids were not feeling well. I hope everyone is feeling better. You are always in my thoughts also and I relate so much to your pain. Karen is a wonderful person also and we have formed a close bond in the past months. It is so hard for her to see her son's suffering and not being able to do anything about it. Both of us know that feeling as we saw the suffering of our own sons. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who has walked or is walking down the same road. I would like to offer a quote to you that I read after my Michael passed. I don't remember the exact words but it goes something like this "Do not grieve because he is gone. Celebrate that he lived". I may have only had my son for 37 years but they were 37 beautiful years. Michael and my daughter are adopted. I thought what if I had never had him at all? At his funeral I spoke at his wake and said how blessed we were that God chose us to be his parents. We will never know why some good people die young and others live to a ripe old age. All I know is that I do not blame God for losing him That wasn't the case when he first got sick. I guess you could say that I was angry with God. But feelings change as time goes on. I know he at peace now and in paradise and that is how I get by every day. Please keep in touch with Karen and I and we will help you in any way we can.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie. I forgot to add one more thing. You are never alone

. Josephine

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine,i have to apologize again for not responding more promptly i was diagnosed with thyroid issues about 6mos after Jordan died been having problems getting it regulated. First off thank you&i am sure your son Michael felt just as blessed as you that you&your husband were his parents your love for your family is so obvious &i am grateful you shared that because love has nothing to do with biology you choose to become a mother &there is nothing more selfless &giving. I am trying to be more open to signs because of you to feel my sons presence in my life& to be honest since talking with you i do feel more peace &less guilt im still working on guilt part but like you im trying to find a way to channel my grief over my sons death one idea that ive been thinking about is just making people aware of the devastating effects of tbi and concussions can have on a person& their families many times people are sent home from hospital &told its just a concussion they will be fine many times this is true but when its not it can leave the person confused& families at a loss of what is going on with their loved one es if their a teenager they can be labeled as bad kids when they have a medical reason for having behavior issues. I hope karen is doing ok i think about all she is going thru rite now&my heart goes out to her. I want you to know that since talking with you im not beating myself up as much for what happened to my son i still get upset about things that happened in his life but im trying to focus on using those feelings in more positive ways. I hope you are doing ok i know that you have alot of strength but like any mom you miss your son and no matter what some days are harder than others. He was blessed to have you as his mother take care&thank you Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine,i wanted to add i did feel alone even with people who tried to help with comparing my sons death to the at least your son didnt have to die this way or that way i wanted to ask them what is a good way for your child to die everytime someone burys a child it is out of order what is a good age for your child to die while your still on earth im not saying that other people experiences might not be more horrible than mine but when you are grieving the loss of a child its not helpful what is is people like you that understand that it is the most painful thing any parent can go through and acknowledge that . Thank you Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Marie and Jo... I have been off in my own world lately. I need to go back and catch up on what you both have written. Joe and I spend a lot of time with John. As Jo knows, we have a unique situation going on with my daughter in law that isn't improving. She is so mean to John at times. I can hardly deal with that in addition to this horrible illness. Every day chemo that will never end is taking our son's life in addition to the cancer. I have been having night terrors increasingly. Our youngest son who is 39 has relapsed into addiction and is separated from his wife and 2 precious children...5 and 3. Our faith sustains but even at this point, our lives are like a bad dream that will never end. I will write more when I can be uplifting. There are those times. Just not today. I pray and send blessings to you both. Our mothers' hearts are forever linked. Love, Karen

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. Please continue to take care of yourself because that is the most important thing. Sometimes you try to help others so much and we often forget to take care of ourselves. I feel grief also takes it's toll on us all and it affects our body as well. I am so glad that you are beginning to feel your son's presence more and you are also starting to let go of some of that guilt. I know just from talking to you that you did everything humanly possible to help your son. I think it is a wonderful idea that you want to make people more aware of the effects of TBI. I am sure there are so many people out there suffering from the same condition who aren't even aware that they have it. If you google TBI, you will see that there are many sites out there (plus support groups) that deal with it. Your son would be so proud of you for doing it and as you said it would help you channel your grief into something positive. We have made it our family's mission to help raise money for Lymphoma and Leukemia research and we are doing our second walk on October 15th where we have formed a team in our son's honor. It helps us to know that the money will go to find a cure for blood cancers so that maybe someone else's child will be able to survive this type of cancer.

I understand what you are staying about people who sometimes say the wrong things without realizing it. You are right that when you lose a child it does not matter what age they were when they died or the way in which they died. There is no "better" or "worse" type of death. Our children were not meant to die before us, but unfortunately in many cases such as ours that is what happened. If people don't know what to say than they should say nothing other than "I am sorry for your loss". As you know, the loss of your child leaves a hole in your heart. You will never stop grieving but you will learn to go on because that is what your child would want you to do. Never a day goes by when I don't think of Michael, but I also try to remember all the good times that we had with him and that makes me happy. I try to push the days of suffering out of my mind because he is not in that place anymore. I feel that if I am able to help you and Karen in any small way, that will also help me to heal. We must continue to help each other as we go down this path and hopefully there are other people out there that will join us. Kindness and compassion to others cost nothing--if one person can help another than the world will be a better place. Please keep in touch and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Josephine

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

My dear friend Karen,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through now. I know what it is like dealing with a daughter-in-law whose main purpose seems to be making everyone's life miserable. Even now, over a year after Mike's passing, she continues to smile in our face and talk about us behind our back. It is hard for us to not say anything but we have to keep our mouths shut because of little Michael. There doesn't seem to be any sort of solution other than to accept things the way they are. I am so sorry about your other son's relapse. I will pray for him every day, as I will for you and your entire family. I wish there was something more I could say or do for you. All I can offer you is my friendship and I will be there for you any time you need me. When you are up to it, please email me.

Blessings to you also my dear friend---you are always in my thoughts and prayers.


Love,

Jo







Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Karin,i am so sorry about the ordeal you are going through and your other son i understand a little bit of that my son as i talked about had tbi already had emotional issues so when he was diagnosed with Addisons disease he was put on fluid restrictions even water he couldn't drink to much of but the disease increased his panic attacks and after months of absistinence he would start drinking again and end up in hospital some staff knew him weren't very nice didn't understand his emotional issues so even when he checked himself in and started complaining about symptoms they told him it was alcohol withdrawal when i questioned things they sd i was feeding his anxiety i asked how could he be going through withdrawal when he had only been drinking 5days i was ignored. When i got to hospital that morning he started to cry he said mom im so ashamed i started drinking again sometimes id get upset but thank god i said Jordan i already know it will be ok and we wil work on it its ok its a painful thing. My oldest son is dronking too much again like he did when he came home from iraq addiction is a painful thing for all. As i sd my son had problems alot of people took advantage of those issues and hurt him during one of his drinking binges he was beat over the head with a cane and robbed. His girlfriend wasn't mean she just didn't understand how serious his illness could be or that he could handle alot of stress but when he died and she also lost her mother i found out she was partying every wkend leaving kids with whoever i had to step in shes doing better now thankfully but it was rough times. My dad died from terminal illness i worked in nursing home i do not understand how anyone could be so cruel to someone who is sick it breaks my heart for you and him. This type of thing can cause alot of upheaval in families when my son died next thing i know people were arguing about what songs to sing at service it was a mess and i just wanted to crawl in a hole but inside i had to run around trying to keep the peace.. im so sorry you have to deal with all that you are it overwhelming i i i am here to listen whenever my heart goes out to you and i will continue to pray for you and your son. God bless marie you and josephine are just a godsend to me Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine,as always you are there for somebody i will be honest when i started onsite i was hesitate i didnt want to be judged or have my sons troubled life be judged but by you and karen opening up to me i do not feel judged only compsssion. I have five sons my 4sons here on earth were devastated by their brothers death and it was kind of everyones job to be there for their brother because his problems but very quickly their significant others seemed to be in some strange competition for attention and Jordans fiance had a difficult life so she just fell apart my sons tried to be there for her and theur nieces one girlfriend got jealous it was crazy i guess i am not alone in dealing with people i dont understand one had very little sympathy for me only understood his fiances loss after all as she sd it wasn't like Jordan lived with me it led to her and my oldest sons break up. So much turmoil i thought when I felt like it should make people appreciate and love each other when we are here. Thank you i was in dark place dealing with my sons death and all that went with it kind of lost faith in trusting people with my story. God bless think of you everyday im trying to take bettet care of myself just talking to you and karen in this short time has helped alot. I lost my best friend in april right before my son died its been a lonely time she would of been someone i could trust she was 53 and unexpected so thank you i did feel alone. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Marie...you have been through so much. I have a friend who is in her 80's who has taught me that a willingness to be transparent about the issues causing pain in our lives helps us to find healing. You have done this and I believe you will find this to be true. Today is a new day. Our son is on his way to be here today and tomorrow. His infusion is in the morning. I will take him and then he usually comes back here to sleep the rest of the day. I will remember you and Jo in my prayers, asking for God's peace in our hearts and His comfort. Bless you, Karen

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Karen,thank u and i hope all goes as well as it can today and im glad he will be with you. I will pray for him all day i think of u and Josephine everyday as it is but today i will even more. The love you have for him im sure means everything and thank god he has you. God bless you im so glad you will be with him considering es what you have sd about the way he has been treated. Like i sd i lost alot of my faith in people but there are a few people in my life and people like you who have helped me realize that even tho i don't understand why some people are like they are not all people are. Im sure its a difficult day ahead you and your family are not alone. God bless sending prayers and love to you. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Karen and Marie. I would like to share a story with both of you that has helped me to strengthen my faith in God and in the goodness of people. We have all had to deal with toxic family members and friends. We had been informed by one of Michael's friends that Michael's name had been submitted to be honored this year by a family who had started the fund when their daughter died from cancer 15 years ago leaving behind a husband and two children. It is a golf classic and dinner and the proceeds were to go to my daughter in law to help her as she raises little Michael alone. They asked if a family member would speak at the dinner and my daughter in law said no and she told me I could do it. I was more than happy to do it because I spoke from the heart and told them what a wonderful man my son was. I can't tell you how many wonderful people we met that night. The parents of the daughter in whose name the fund was established, people from our community that I haven't seen in years, friends of Michael and many more. It was a life changing experience. We plan to attend next year to help the next family in need. Everyone there told us "you are now part of our family" and they touched the hearts of our family. And my daughter in law didn't even think to get up once to thank anyone. You open the newspapers every day or put on the tv and you see the worst of humanity. That day I saw the best of humanity. People helping others expecting nothing in return. So there are good people out there and angels do walk into our lives every day. I want both you and Karen to take care of yourselves while you take care of those you love. I will always be there for both of you anytime you need me and remember to take things a day at a time. That is the best we can do

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine,you are right when my son died i cannot say that people were not there people gave and my sister in law&sister made sure we didn't have to worry about feeding anyone others too we choose to have my son cremated to save on expences because we knew how uncertain the girls future will be we got enough help to keep them in their home for 6mos as i stated before things got bad and they ended up with us thankfully their mom is on the right track and they again have a home. My son was ssi so because he never worked his children weren't able to receive those benefits so we still help financially as do others in family your story is beautiful &it reminded me of the kindness of many that helped his children many who had the least gave the most. The day of my sons funeral believe it or not just as the service was about to start people were lined up around the block to get in when the church caught on fire the office above the sanctuary had electric fire it was just unreal but the truth of it is so many people showed up i dont know if we could of fed them all it wad aug 27th made the front page of our local paper but as the pastor sd if we weren't there for the funeral it would of been a total loss and they were able to contain the fire the pastor sd as soon as the word got out his phone was ringing from other churches to open their doors to us it was just so unreal but it happened. Despite the issues from a few i have to remember the kindness and generosity of many. The event for your son reflects your kindness and compassion you have for others . While im on please pray for all those on the coast of florida my sistet evacuated yesterday and just had to evacuate further inland today she says shes safe and stuff can be replaced which we understand maybe better than most but this is a dangerous storm and so many people's homes&lives are at risk. Thank you &God bless Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine, i don't know if i have told you this before if i have pardon my muddled up mind but i know from my own experience people sometimes avoid a conversation about our sons in heaven if u ever just want to tell me about your son share stories i want to listen if you are comfortable with that i never want to invade someone privacy i just wanted to put that out there also im especially thinking of karen and her son today i know you two have developed a close relationship my heart goes out to her and all my thanks again for letting me unburden myself my life has been es difficult the last few yrs gosh sometimes i feel like so many things have happened that if i told someone they wouldn't believe me &the final blow with my sons death i felt like God was punishing me although i wasn't sure why it was how i felt i cannot explain except thru his grace that you contacted me my husband i haven't mentioned much has a belief system that he trusts the will of God where i question everything so we dont talk much about that because i dont think he understands my doubt so its been difficult and lonely. It does not surprise me that people did what that did for you i was fighting becoming bitter and reclusive a person i didn't want to be i didn't want anyones pity just understanding and i got that from you so i think now that i can move forward and try to think of happy memories of my son at least im trying. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,

I see by your stories that you have gone through so much in the past years and then having to lose your son a little over a year ago. I too see how people try to avoid conversations about my son but they are coming to realize that I continue to talk about him because although his time on earth may be done, he still continues to exist. Please never feel that you are burdening me with your troubles. By talking about them, it helps you to release the grief you are still going through and it helps you to heal. I tell Karen the same thing--I want her to be able to talk to me not only on the "good" days but also on the "bad" days. Those are the days when you especially need to have someone to be there for you. Also please never feel that you are invading my privacy. I tell you and Karen things because I want you to know about them. Feel free to ask me anything you like. Most importantly, please do not feel that God is punishing you. He is a merciful God and he does not make people sick. When Michael first got sick, I questioned my faith also, but like your husband I have come to trust the will of God and no longer question why things happen as they did. What you are going through now is absolutely normal. Like Karen and I agree, mothers grieve differently than fathers. All fathers love their sons, but mothers have a special bond with their children. Karen especially needs the both of us now, because although we continue to grieve for our two sons she is still having to watch her son suffer.

I have always told Karen, and I'm telling you now, that I believe that everything happens for a reason. Is it a coincidence that you and I both lost our boys the same week in 2015? (Mike died on Aug. 30th) Is it a coincidence that we've all had to deal with toxic family members and friends? Is it a coincidence that the three of us have had doubts about our faith at some point? And is a coincidence that the three of us have felt so alone until we all connected with each other. I feel that God is the one who helped us to find each other--I have no doubt of that. So please continue to keep in touch with both Karen and I because we all need each other and though it might not seem like it right now, we will all learn to go on and live life as best as we can. You and Karen are always in my prayers and in my heart.

Josephine


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine, thank you&i believe you are so right in so many ways because just the way i feel since connecting with both of you is undeniable i feel like a weight has been lifted ive gobe on other sites&got feedback but it was basically your right everyone goes away, no one understands people treat you differently which is partially true but no one connected like you&karen. I wish there was something more i could do for karen there is nothing more difficult to watch your child suffer & feel like some people are treating him wrong it just breaks my heart i can relate for sure thru my sons life& i had a hard time thinking of anything but that hospital room for so long. I punished myself for a long time to probably til very recently and altho i still have my moments its better and you have helped with that. Thank you for everything i hope your grandson is doing well my sons oldest had to repeat kindergarten because last year starting right after her dad died was too much but she is doing better this year. I will continue to pray for your family and karen and her son my heart just breaks for her . Take care and God bless . Michael was blessed to have you . Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie,

Thank you for inquiring about my grandson. He is doing well. He just turned 4 in August, so he will not start kindergarten until next year. Don't worry about your son's oldest child having to repeat kindergarten. Of course it was too much having to deal with her losing her daddy and starting school at the same time. My granddaughter just started kindergarten this September and it is a big transition for a little one having to go to school full time every day. Giving your little one this extra time to readjust to her life now that things have settled down a bit is a good idea.

Also, during my last post I forgot to ask how your sister is doing. I hope she is safe and I hope that her home did not suffer any damage. Several years ago, Hurricane Sandy hit Long Island (We live in New York) making a direct hit on the area. We did not suffer any major damage, but people in nearby towns suffered a great deal of damage. Many people who lived near the water lost everything and it took them many years to rebuild and get back to normal. My son-in-law's family lives in Miami, Florida. They were expecting to feel the full brunt of the storm, but luckily the storms track changed slightly and the Miami area was spared and did not feel the devastating effects of the storm.

Please continue to take care of yourself and please write to me anytime you feel the need. I hope that Karen is doing ok. I know that she will be in touch with us when she is up to it. I keep both of you in my prayers every day.


Josephine

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine thanks so much abput inquiring about my sister she lives in port st lucie escaped with minor damage &is busy helping elderly neighbor who has no family near so i haven't talked to her just texted. I live in ny state too but its western ny near pa border spent alot of time on jersey shore going there with cousins so i understand how horrible it was thx god u weren't that effected. Its kind of nice to know we are in same state . Im glad that your grandson is doing ok and i have 4 grandchildren going to kindergarten this year. So its been busy with helping their moms with some daycare. My whole life revolved my son because of his special issues at the time i reached out to you on site i was so heartbroken i felt like no one understood my loss that it all had faded in their minds and its life sentence for me. Like i sd you gave me hope for future. I hope karen and her son are doing ok and the same with your family. Please continue to stay in touch think of you everyday since u answered me. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Josephine i would like to add a few things about my family i know it may be hard for some people to understand but there are still many people who hold different views of things so it makes me hesitate to go online with all the hate&vitural my husband is african american we been married since 1982 hes very light i tell you only because my sons look italian and growing up it was hard for them parents would let their children play at our home until they saw their dads there is more but i wont bother u with all that but hes a supervisor at cornibg inc u might of heard of the companh. When i met him i was attracted to his green eyes like i sd hes not dark skinned my son Jordan was the only one of my 5sons who had his green eyes and when he died it sounds so stupid but it bothered me so much i love them all equally but i was so happy one of them got my husband's eyes you are only the second person ive told this to why it bothers me i feel bad because i would of felt the same heart break for any of my sons. I believe we are all gods children no matter what but there is so much ugly stuff right now i just wanted to talk about it thanks&God bless Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Sorry abt all my typos it corning inc :)

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,

Sorry I took so long getting back to you. As usual, things are always crazy here with the grandkids and me still working (I'm retiring at the end of this school year--I work with the clerical dept. in a local high school.) Today we are also going to have a walk for my son--It is held every year by the Leukemia and Lymphoma foundation--in order to raise funds for research for these two diseases. We have a "team" that is walking in my son's honor and his memory.

I am so glad you shared your story about all the prejudice you received regarding your marriage. There are so many ignorant people still out there. I experienced prejudice in my own family (my husband's side of the family) when we decided to adopt. They were so concerned that we would adopt a child who wasn't "white". My father-in-law even went so far as to tell my husband not to adopt any "half breed". I won't share what my husband told his father, but he made it very clear to him that it was not any of his business. You could see the relief on his and my mother-in-laws face when they saw that Michael was fair. The same thing happened when we adopted my daughter from Colombia. They were at the airport when she came in and my mother-in-law grabbed her first to see what she looked like.

My husband and I never shared any of their views. We always felt that if someone fell in love with another person and that person was a different race, it was no one else's business. I am proud to say that both my children had friends of every color--white, black, Asian--you name it. Everyone was welcome in our home. When our kids were growing up our house was always filled with all of there friends and I am proud to say that we still see them occasionally and they come to visit us with their own families. My son-in-law is from the Dominican Republic and we love him dearly. Our three grandchildren are Colombian-Dominican and they are our whole world. All we care about is that my son-in-law is a wonderful husband and father. That's all that matters.

I have found that you can't change people's views. They are who they are. There is so much anger and hate in this world because there are people who dislike people because of their religion, the color of their skin or whatever. I choose to ignore people like and concentrate on the good people in this world--and there still are many good people out there. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and the fact that you have been happily married to him for 34 years shows you that you made the right decision. The hell with everyone else.

Please stay well and focus on healing and feel free to write me anytime you feel the need. I haven't heard from Karen in a while so I hope that she will contact us when she is up to it. I know she is going through a lot right now. Meanwhile, I will keep both you and Karen in my prayers and in my heart.


Your friend,

Josephine











Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Dear Jo and Marie,

I finally have a keyboard to type on! It has been so difficult to write anything to either of you from my small smart phone keyboard! LOL My hubby got another computer, so I have my old laptop back again. So much easier.

Anyway, I tried to read all the recent posts from you both and catch up on what I have been missing. I just want to say how clearly it is evident that we have been drawn together. Nothing short of a miracle, I'm thinking.

Marie, I am so glad that you shared about your family and the hesitancy you felt in sharing personally with Jo and I. I can relate. It wasn't long after I "met" Jo that I wanted to become transparent about all that was going on in my family. I was afraid that she would think of us a "trash." I have learned as a result of sharing with those we trust that becoming transparent is part of the healing process. Darkness is dispelled and the light shines brightly afterwards. I will share with you what I found so difficult to tell her: In addition to John's illness, we are also dealing with our youngest son, Jeremy, who recently relapsed into a drug addiction. He has a lovely wife and two beautiful children, Josiah who is 5 and Serenity who is 3. They are now separated and working on reconciling, but Jeremy continues to avoid rehab and until he has been through rehab, Kelly will not reconcile completely. I am thankful for that because we have seen how people are totally different when under the influence of drugs. We don't want that for Kelly or the children. Additionally, our oldest grandson just was released from rehab. His addiction is heroin and he has lost all of his friends who he met in rehab previously to overdoses. He is doing well for now. Jacob is 21. My heart breaks for him and for my daughter. Drug addiction affects every loving family member in one way or another. So, as you can see, what my sister says is true: Everybody has something...some just don't talk about it. For me, if I am sharing at such a personal level with you and Jo, I want you to know who I am. I feel safe telling you these things. Hopefully by sharing as we go along on this path we walk together, we will find the healing and comfort that our loving God wants us to have.

Jo, How did your walk go? I hope the weather was pleasant. Maybe you are accustomed to walking in "marathons" but I am not. If it makes me sweat, I don't do it! LOL That having been said, I realize I need to do more of that...so out of shape. Well, never have been "in" shape! Every difficult day that pops up, I remember you and what you went through. We are one year from John's diagnosis and you began supporting me not that long after Michael's passing. It is such a blur to look back that I can't remember exactly how long afterwards you and I became friends. All I know is that you and Marie and I now can share our strengths and weaknesses together. You, Jo, are so attentive to Marie and I. Please tell us how YOU are doing. You have a lot on your plate. I believe I "hear" from your words that you are doing well. I am sure you are tired since you still work full-time. I am 67 and can't imagine doing that. So, once again, bless you for making time for Marie and I.


Update on John. He continues to try and live as normally as possible. The continued chemo chips away at him each and every day. He spends a lot of time with us when his family are at school and working. He doesn't like to be alone. His latest reports show no progression, although the cancer is still there. I was reading last evening that this type of cancer treatment can extend his life for an average of two years. We have passed the one year mark. He is so frail and can only eat small amounts. He has some mornings where he is in a lot of pain from his food digesting. He sleeps a lot. But he does have many good days and seems to be able to do one special thing a day without getting too overtired. He went to our local high school football game Friday night to meet a friend. He was able to stay until after the half-time show. He communicates with former colleagues and reconnected with friends in the area. His wife is difficult some of the time. I won't go into that only because it really gets me going down a path I hate to go. We don't understand her. I am so glad he is home for the love, compassion and care of his extended family. His boys seem to be settling in well. All three busy with school and/or work, making new friends and getting involved in social activities.

Please know that you both continue to be in my prayers. Now that I have a keyboard I will be better about writing. Love... Karen




Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Karen,

It is so good to hear from both you and Marie. I agree with you that it is good that we are all able to share what is going on in our lives--the good as well as the bad. Like I told you when we first contacted each other and you began to tell me about the troubles in your family, no one has the right to judge anyone else. We all have burdens that we face in life and being able to share those things with others helps you on the path to healing. I told Marie the same thing. I already see the one thing that all three of us share--our love for our families. All of us are nurturing "moms" trying to do the best we can for our children and grandchildren. All of us have had to deal with "toxic", judgemental family members and acquaintances. Karen, you and I have to deal with difficult daughter-in-laws. In my case, it is often hard to deal with some of the things my daughter-in-law says behind our backs, but I keep quiet for the sake of my grandson. Unfortunately, for both of us there is little we can do about it so we just do the best we can. Marie has had her own share of difficult people that she has had to deal with. My only advise it to do the best you can with the situation.

Thank you for asking how I am doing. I still have my days--always missing my Michael, but most days are good and my grandbabies keep my going all the time. The "walk" to raise money for research for Lymphoma and Leukemia was this past Saturday, October 15th. It was so nice. They had many things going for the children to do during the day so we took all the grandchildren. At night, we walked with colored lanterns--white for supporters, red for patients and survivors, and yellow if you were walking in memory of a loved one. My daughter had organized a "team" of family and friends and we walked together in honor of Mike. We plan on walking every year. Our team raised a little over $2600 for the foundation. With little Michael walking in honor of his daddy, and my daughters three little ones walking in honor of "Uncle Mikey" it made it even more meaningful. I know that you thought I was in good shape but that is not really the case. With this walk, plus the one we did in July with my daughter-in-law, I didn't even get to finish the whole thing. My family is still laughing at how out of shape I am--I told them you should at least give me an A for effort. I always wind up getting lost in the crowd because I can't keep up and they always have to send out a "search party" to find out where I am (usually in the back of the crowd)

Anyway, I hope I gave you both a good laugh. Maybe it can brighten your day just a little bit. Please continue to keep in touch with me. You are both in my heart and in my prayers. Stay well and continue on the path to healing.


Love,

Your friend,

Jo

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Hi Josephine, this time its my turn to apologize for taking so long to reply its been a busy time my second son had his first child a little girl difficult pregnancy &labor but healthy baby thx God&the cycle of life goes on she will be my 9th grandchild plus 3step grands &the first baby since we lost Jordan. People like you make my heart happy the story of how you shared your love&life regardless of ethnicity race etc touched my heart. Many people close their hearts to people who are not like them and in doing so do not see we all have much more in common then what seperates us if they didn't we have less hatred. Take the children they do not see color only the heart that is y the bible says what it does about children. Your husband sounds like a brave&good man he has to be because i know how hard it can be to risk relationships with your family we all love our families &it does take courage to stand up for what is right when it may cause a rift with those we love. It sounds like your son grew up in a house filled with love&goodness you gave him that &im sure he treasured that. So congratulations on making your walk how wonderful what your doing&the support you are getting i do not know if I mentioned it before i had a dear aunt that died of lymphoma she had gone for treatment 10yrs ago &it looked as if she may had beaten it but it came back everywhere &she died a few months ago so thank you from our family too putting these horrible diseases in spotlight raising funds awareness is so important i thought back in 1980 when my dad died of his brain tumor that by now cancer research would be farther along but im encouraged by new research into these new therapies so hopefully we are getting closer &what you are doing is important so many families are affected by these terrible cancers. Both my parents included. Im glad that your grandson is doing well& it is good that your daughter sounds like she's a friend a wonderful support for you i know my sons were devasted by their brothers death there is a special bond siblings share&sometimes they are forgotten by others when their grief is so great. So glad you & karen responded to me for the first time since my son died i feel hope agn there will always be that missing piece but at least i can wakeup in morning &not be upset that i did. You have not judged me and as ive sd before your son passed the sane time as mine you were dealing with as much loss&pain as i was. Thank you your friend always Marie



Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Karen, yehave to apologize to you also for my delay in responding i think of you&jo everyday so even when i do not post rite away both of you are in my heart thoughts&prayers. It is good to hear you have spent time with your hear that John is having good days& cancer hasnt spread so glad that he went to football game im sure it meant alot to everyone i pray he will be able to eat more&build up his strength he needs his rest & sleeping allows his body to rebuild his strength as im sure the treatments are so difficult both my parents passed away from cancer my father in law &ive seen first hand how hard the treatments can be . Im praying for your son & grandson in my family the drug is alcohol it may be legal but it still is a drug&if misused it can cause terrible havoc on a family. My oldest was in iraq 3rd infantry that crossed into iraq fr kuwait when he came home with a friend for leave he was drinking way too much he eventually got it under control yrs past he met a girl had a baby was doing well after his brother died i still remember the look he had in his eyes as he looked at his brother after he passed i was. afraid that he was going to have a problem again &i was right his relationship with his childs mother eventually ended&altho he works &is functional he is avoiding his pain pain that is increased now because he no longer sees his daughter everyday. I am not blaming his gf he is responsible for his drinking but i know she didn't understand the depths of his pain. I know this because it wasn't 3wks since my son died when she started texting me telling me how selfish my son was what a sorry excuse for a grandmother i was because i hadn't called or seen my granddaughter &that i didn't try to talk to my son about his drinking (which i had) tried over&Over to tell her that i Didn't approve of his drinking that i would do anything in world to change it but he was a grown man. Well altho they are less frequent the nasty texts including that I should be over my sons death by now continue i dont answer anymore but i still worry about his drinking its so hard such a helpless feeling to not to know what to do while someone we give our life for does such self destructive things. I even sd to my granddaughter mother no one has a child and says oh i hope they grow up to be a alcoholic or hooked on drugs someday but some people don't get it it hurts like i sd & i pray for your family that they be healed i want that so much for you. My son that died was on fluid restrictions because of adisions disease he suffered from extreme anxiety&depression from his brain injury it was made worse when his sodium levels dropped &after long periods of abstensience he would drink to help with anxiety then after a few days of that he'd quit again always feeling so ashamed of himself for giving in but at the same time er drs &his own dr had written &called his psychiatrist saying they thought his anxiety meds shld be upped his psch dr refused because of his age& because it was controlled drug i realize the problem with prescription meds but in his case they were not pain meds and his anxiety led to alcohol use that was very dangerous for him. There isnt enough resources for families that are dealing with all this my heart breaks for you plz feel free anytime day or night that you are feeling overwhelmed worried or just want to talk to contact me u&jo have truly been a blessing in my life. Praying for you&ur family im sorry that it took me so long to respond i dont want to be out of touch that long!God bless Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie,

So sorry I didn't get back to you right away. The grandchildren, my daughter, son-in-law and husband were all sick with the same virus. We live in a two family home, and I was the last to get it. Everyone is on the mend now.

Congratulations on the birth of your newest grandchild. I am so glad that everything went well. We are expecting a new addition to our own family within the next couple of weeks. My nephew and his wife are expecting their first child, a little boy. Our family on both sides is very small. Most of our family members have passed from some form of cancer--It is a disease that has devastated my side of the family. So this new little baby (my sister's second grandchild) is bringing a lot of joy into our family.

In reading your posts to Karen, I see what your oldest son has had to deal with since his time in the Army. My son-in-law was in (I think) the 2nd Battalion, 3rd Infantry that also served in Iraq. His unit was based in Seattle, Washington. Your son may know it--It was called the "Stryker" division. He saw a lot of combat, as I'm sure your son did. Things were very bad when he came home. We were very worried about him. He was diagnosed with PTSD and only with the help of some excellent therapists and psychiatrists was he able to be at the state he is in today. He works for the Veteran's Administration now and the agency is coming under a lot of fire because of their failure to get veteran's the proper help. I don't know if your son was ever diagnosed as having PTSD--some people are afraid to go for the help because they are afraid they may become "labeled" as having a mental disorder. It is very common for many combat veterans to turn to alcohol in times of stress and anxiety. It is a way of easing their pain. What greater pain is there than having to lose a sibling (aside from the loss of a child) I can speak first hand having lived (and still living) with a person with PTSD. At one point, we feared he was going to commit suicide. He would never talk about what he had seen in Iraq, but we had heard from one of his therapists that he and his squad would have to retrieve the bodies of their buddies who had been blown up by roadside bombs. He would see the dead bodies of women and children who were used as human shields. How do you return to a normal life after experiencing something like that ? Those memories never go away. As for the mother of his child, she seems to have major problems of her own. If she really loved your son, maybe she could have realized that his problems were directly related to his service. I give my daughter a lot of credit. They weren't even engaged yet and she made sure he contacted the veteran's outreach to make sure he got the right help. She went to every doctor appointment he had and sometimes things got very bad but she still stuck by his side. He used to ask her why she didn't just walk away and she told him that when you love someone then you are with them during the good times and the bad. We also love him like a son and we always told him we would be there for him. It angers me that this woman should make you feel responsible in any way for your son's drinking--how dare she! I know it's hard for your son not being able to see his little one and I hope things work out. He is still the father and he has his rights. Perhaps it's a good thing though that the relationship fell apart because she does not sound like the right person for him. He needs someone who will love him unconditionally and who will always be there for him.

I'm so sorry for rambling on. There are things that get me going and this is one of them. I will keep you and your entire family in my prayers and please get back to me soon.

Love, Jo










Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Hi Jo,please don't ever worry about ramble on u don't but sometimes i feel like i do the same thing; )when you find someone at least me that touches your heart like you have done, someone who understands you& has had similiar things happen to them i feel like im trying to squeeze a lifetime of things in a few paragraphs. Congratulations on baby boy that is on his way it brings joy something we need after all we have been through. I do have a large family my husband es &i have 5sons so altho that is different we do have the horrible cancer thing in our family also my dad at 54 my mom also all her sisters her youngest sister the same as your son. My father in law passed shortly after my mom with colon cancer its a horrible& helpless feeling to watch the people we love suffer and fight a brave fight like your son it is devastating i admire you taking up the cause &working for awareness&cures. I pray with this new targeted treatments more lives will be saved. My aunt who died of breast cancer was like a second mom to me as she couldn't have children of her own we spent alot of time with her. Thx u for asking about my son he went to couseling when he came home it helped talked to him without sucess at this time but still hoping i even talked to his ex giving her va handbook hoping she would convince him but like i sd she was more about her than helping&i feel bad saying that because she is my granddaughters mother i don't want anyone to be hurt but she just got to the point where all she did was lash out at me. The day after the first anv of my sons death we had a baby shower for my sons new baby the day of anversary i told family they could stop whatever they wanted to do we choose to do ballons etc on his bd but anyway everyone was concerned in a nice way that I was ok with having baby shower on day after I sd it was fine because it would bring the family together for a happy reason a new life &we did a prayer of rememberance for him during it i invited her altho o knew she wouldn't come instead i got a text saying this was proof i wasnt grieving for my son because I had a party on that date. So i would be lying if i sd that I am upset that my son& her r separated hes trying he has his own place spending wkends off taking his daughter so i hope he gets thru this period. You are probably at work i hope you can retire soon& devote your time to helping people & ur work with cancer org i retired early after neck&shoulder surgery i miss work in some ways but it also gives me the time to be there for the family you have helped me so much that 1yr mark&the feeelings it bought up left me with emotions i was having hard time dealing with when i posted&u answered u have a good heart&a gift hearing fr you makes me smile& brings a tear or two but in a good way. You get it please tell me more about your family&sons u may be small in number but have big hearts. Take care that virus that's going around takes a while to get over&it our case felt bettet then yucky agn. Look forward to hearing from you! Love Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Almost forgot Happy Halloween :) to be honest its nvr been a favorite holiday for me but i enjoy seeing the little ones dressed up. Their mom sd when Jordans daughter did there parade arnd the school today there was a hawk swooping down& around we look at it as a sign fr her daddy we dont see them often arnd here but the day before she was playing running from tree to tree and there was one following her as she ran i want to believe its a sign of his presence Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie,


Happy Halloween to you also. I am the same--my favorite thing is to see the little ones all dressed up in their costumes. This year, Spider-Man was the big thing with the grandkids. Little Michael, my son's little 4 year old, as well as Jeffrey, my daughter's 3 year old, were both Spider-Man, and Vicky, my daughter's 5 year old, was Spidergirl. The only one that was different was Joey, my daughter's 2 year old, who was the Hulk. If you could see Joey, you would understand why. He is a little bruiser-not fat, just built big and solid for his age. I played "hooky" today and called in sick so I could go to all their Halloween parades in school. Actually, I am retiring at the end of this school year and I can honestly say I am looking forward to it. My husband is already retired 5 years so it's time.

I want to let you know that I see nothing wrong with having a baby shower the day after the anniversary of your son's passing. Life has to go on and I know that your son wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Our Michael passed away one week after little Michael's 3rd birthday. When my daughter in law celebrated Michael's 4th birthday this past August, it fell one week before the first anniversary of his daddy's death. She even had it in the same place because Michael loved it there and had a great time. I think she was concerned what people might think about celebrating so close to the anniversary. We all told her that this would have been what Michael would have wanted for his son--to have a great time on his birthday. So even though it was hard being at the party without our son, we all were there to support our little grandson and everyone had a great time.

The point I am trying to bring out is that it is nobody's business to judge how you choose to live your life. Just because you attend a party so close to the anniversary of your son's death doesn't mean that you are not grieving his loss anymore. You will always grieve for your son, but you also must go on and live your life. I know you have to deal with your son's ex because of your grandchild, but please do not allow her to place any unnecessary guilt on your shoulders.

As far as seeing the hawk as a sign from your son for his daughter, I would absolutely say yes! When you see animals that you wouldn't normally see appearing around you and acting somewhat our of the ordinary, that is a sign. I feel that our loved ones someone use their energy with animals to show us a sign. Our family has had many experiences with birds (mostly cardinals) who will show up at the house and literally land near us and perch there and stare at is. Butterflies too. One day at Michael's grave we had a butterfly (there are always tons of them at the cemetery) circle us for several minutes. Then it landed on Michael's grave and stayed there almost as if it was staring at us--it stayed there for at least 15 minutes until we decided to leave. So yes, I strongly believe there are signs from our loved ones. You just have to be open to them.

So, as usual, I ramble on again. Please continue to keep in touch and continue on the path to healing. You are always in my prayers.









Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Please be patient with me you two. John is having better days. I just am having trouble focusing on much or being motivated. Need to catch up on your postings..

This will pass. Wait for me! Love and daily prayers... Karen

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Karen,please no need to ask you are in my prayers&heart it is so understandable &i know i certainly go thru the same thing. Just know i am here to listen &of course we both know that Jo is too. I am glad John is having better days &take the time you need post when you can our hearts are joined by the bonds of caring & friendship&support that happened when God brought us together. Take care of yourself thinking of u love& prayers going your way. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Karen. So glad that john is having better days. It's the best news we could hear Don't worry about getting back to us right away. Whenever you find the time and energy. Just know that Marie and I are always thinking about you and keeping you in our prayers.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Dear Jo, as always happy to hear from you if you want to call it rambling on i love it you openess&support &i can be a rambler myself;). Its so cute believe it or not i had 2spidermans this year too i have 9 grandchildren & 3 step grandchildren but as ive told you i had 5sons no daughters now the situation is reversed out of all the grandchildren only have 2grandsons one who is 5 &the other 2 both were spider man this yr. Im glad u played hookey you deserve it &i know the kids were happy &excited you were there. I bet you are looking forward to retiring gosh i don't know how you did it when your son was ill and passed as we both know the pain the grief is overwhelming &just getting out of bed &putting one foot in front of other is so difficult. Again thank u for your support the first anv day was terrible i watched the clock all day reliving the hospital at 802 his time of death i cried like i was there all over again& i felt like the next day was a bright spot in a very difficult week. I also since you opened my eyes to look for signs wanted to tell u abt another experience we have a tree in back yard with low branches u can sit it Jordans oldest daughter has decorated it its her tree one day i went to open door to check on her she was in the tree begging Jesus to please send her daddy back for just a little while so she could see him it broke my heart i stepped back inside to get myself together &then when she came in she likes to help around the house so she was doing a few dishes with me when all of a sudden a hummingbird appeared at the flower box in the window in front of sink it hovered there for quite awhile i told thats your daddy coming to say hi she was thrilled &to be honest ive never seen a humming bird that close up before. I think your right birds butterflies are signs my mom loved butterflies &they have appeared when we have visited her grave. It gives me hope for so long id lost it& now i am open to these things. I believe that your experiences have verified for me that its not just by happenstance. Your daughter seems like a wonderful person&mom i always wanted a daughter but how difficult for you to lose your only son i admire you so much for not allowing yourself to be bitter and still having such a giving heart to others its still hard for me in my darker moments to understand why such a good person has to have the worst things happen to them but i guess that is the question for the ages i have more to talk about but i think ive been rambling myself for long enough looking forward to hearing from u much love Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo,so sorry aways forget something my son was 3rd infantry out of ft benning GA u are so right a friend on leave spoke to me a bit about the things they experienced. The dead civilians along the rd the times they stopped and buried some around were they set up camp the woman& child used to surround houses they had to clear even sucicides that happened in barracks when they came home. I have found thru my son and my uncle who was a resident in va home that the people who work there do a wonderful job despite the difficulties with funding issues &overwhelming need since 9 11 the people who work with vets are dedicated and caring. As we speak we have military in harms way we can't forget them although its not in the news everyday &the pple who care for them families &staff at hospitals&va. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,


It's the weekend so it is much easier to find the time to sit down at the computer and write you back. Like you said, the week is always hectic with work and the family. I totally understand what it is like getting through the first anniversary of our son's death. I went through the same feelings thinking about how he had suffered so much the year before. I think it is a normal tendency to think back to those days in your mind. I guess you could call it a form of PTSD where things come back to haunt you because you can never really forget what you (and others) have been through. When I would get those thoughts I tried very hard to push them out of my mind and I had to keep reminding myself that Michael was not suffering any more. The whole year was hard-the first Christmas without him, his birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day--the list goes on. Somehow, just like you, we all managed to get through it.


I think I had told you (I'm not sure) about the dinner in Michael's honor this past September that was a fundraiser by a family who had lost their daughter to cancer. They established a fund in her name and every year they select a family in need and they hold a fundraiser to raise money for them. The money raised this year will go to my daughter in law to help her in raising little Michael. As a thank you, I sent a gift basket to the family to tell them how touched we were that they selected Michael this year as the recipient. The dinner was unbelievable and we met such wonderful people. I just got a thank you card yesterday from the mom of the family. How beautiful it was! She said that we were now part of her family and she gave me her phone number and told me to call her any time. She told me that this coming week would be the 16th anniversary of her daughter DIna's death. She told me that she can still hear her voice and remember her beautiful face. And so, even though 16 years has gone by, she said she is still able to smile and remember the good times. By helping other families, she is able to continue her daughter's legacy. I saw her two children and husband at the dinner. They have grown up into wonderful young people with the help of their dad and the rest of the family. So this is what we both need to do-go on living the best we can for the sake of our sons and their children.

It is funny, and I don't think it's by coincidence, that our circle keeps expanding and we meet others who have lived through similar experiences. First there was Karen and I, and then we met you, and then I met "Rene" who had also lost her child so many years ago. It is like God's message to us to show us that we are never alone in our troubles. Besides meeting people whose children's lives were touched by cancer or some other form of illness, I have met people whose children have committed suicide. A loss is a loss-the circumstances do not matter. That is why I think it is important that we all try to be kind to each other and help each other out. It would make the world a better place. I see too many people that get caught up in day to day nonsense, none of which is important. Anyway, I ramble on again.

I was glad to hear that Karen's son was having better days and I know we will hear from her when she has time. I hope things continue to improve for you also. Both of you are in my prayers.


Love, Jo






Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Karen and Marie,

Just wanted to wish both of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that you are both well and I hope your families are well also. Please know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers every day. It's one of the things that I am so thankful for on this particular holiday--that I can call the both of you my friends.

Love,

Jo



Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo&karin,sorry i haven't been in touch alot of stuff going on bit of a set back in grief process i will answer your post in more detail Jo hope everything is ok with both of you miss our conversations just been sad to be honest. The medical board has begun investigation into drs handling of the things that went wrong in hospital the imvestigator listened seemed compassionate&caring don't expect much but im glad its being looked into even tho it brought up alot of memories. Everything else that has gone on has upset me i have a great deal of anxiety right now. Ill be in touch soon. Much love, Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, im sory i haven't gotten back with you trying to work through some anxiety and alot of emotions i know you understand. I will be in touch soon you have been such a light in my life trying to get it together hope all is ok with you even when im not in touch i think of you and your strength everyday love marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie. I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through right now. Please take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk anytime please know I am here for you to help you in any way I can.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Please don't worry about getting back to me. Whenever you feel up to it I will be here.

Love Jo

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Thanks jo,i will post in more detail soon going through step by step with nys medical board investigator was hard brought back alot of emotions. Ill be in touch soon. Thank you u have been a good friend and even tho we have nvr talked personally i consider you a person who i can trust and count on im working through it all. Thank you for ur support. God bless u and your family. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Hi Jo, Sorry its been awhile &i do miss our back&forth how your family is doing well. Things have been just depressing here if i want to be honest its hard for me to express myself as i get worried that I will upset other people I've been upset my grandson goes to school in PA i think i mentioned before that the part of NY i live in is abt 20minutes from PA border&after election he had a few things sd to him which is so sad because he is only in kindergarten. He was here with his dad &us over thanksgiving&hes such a bright bou very smart for his age hard to explain to him why classmates just 2 thankfully would tell him to go back to were he came from its hard for me being in ny abt 45min away not to worry about him. The other issue ive been dealing with is the medical board, i filed a complaint with them about Jordans care they assigned a investigator to his case&i was on the phone with her for quite a bit of time don't get me wrong, she was very compassionate&kind but it was difficult to go over those last days in the hospital. Im a realist i know that the odds are against anything going on drs record so i do not get my hopes up but at the same time she seems to be taking the case seriously &at this point thats enough for me. She was very concerned that he was suffering from mental issues under psychiatric care&they didn't keep me informed as they had permission to do so. Also some violations of hippa &other things. Jordans gf is working with another woman on awareness abt Addison disease & i will join in with that i didn't know she had found someone so that makes me feel good. I hope karen&her son are doing ok ive been out of touch with alot of people. How was your thanksgiving? I know holidays are a stark reminder of a person missing at the table&i did think about you ur daughter husband& grandkids plz let me know how YOU are doing so sorry its been awhile i miss our conversations&appreciate your friendship. Much love Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Marie, I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I do believe that you and Jo are having a much more difficult time than I am right now. I will be walking on the same path with you when that time comes. I am so humbled by the fact that you are supporting me in the midst of your grief … especially during the holidays. I want to tell you, Marie, that as much as your are going through and with all the sadness you feel, I admire your monumental strength. You choose to continue to advocate for your son and fight for the rights of others who are the patients and caregivers in spite of the emotional pain it creates. Choosing to open a wound takes courage, but you have a heart for justice and advocacy. This Christmas I believe that you and Jo will receive gifts of love from God in hidden ways. He loves to use the hidden, unrecognizable, unpredictable ways to share His love. Much like the miracle of the Saviour of the world hiding within a vulnerable baby, born in a manger. Only those with eyes to see and hearts of love beyond this world recognized Him. So, I encourage you to look with your loving heart and eyes from above for hidden gifts that are priceless. Your son and Jo’s son whisper in God’s ear. I will write more later. You and Jo give me such comfort and strength. Bless you for that. Don’t give up the fight, Marie. You have a mission! Love, Karen

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Hi karen, just wanted to let you know ive been thinking about you &your son and thank you for your kind words and prayers. Praying for you & your son hoping that things are ok. It is so hard to watch our sons suffering i can't help but think about what you are going through sometimes holidays make things harder as we see others excited about celebrating &don't have the pain that we have to deal with on daily basis. I know everyone has their cross to bear but to watch your children suffer is a especially difficult road. Let me know how you are been thinking about you and jo. Love Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie. It is good to hear from you. I hope things are better since we were in contact last. I can't even imagine how hard in must have been going back over the past when your son suffered so greatly when you were talking to the woman investigating his care. I know your son is so proud of you for advocating for him. If these doctors were at fault then hopefully you can prevent another family from going through what you did with their own loved one. And if it doesn't go anywhere then at least you know you tried. It took great strength to do that and I am so proud of you. I also know that it is a difficult time of year for both of us. I pray that the Lord will continue to give us the strength to get through the holidays. I miss Michael every single day but during Christmas and the other holidays it magnifies the loss even more. But we do it for our remaining children and grandchildren because that is what Christmas is about. Family.

I know that Karen is going through a very difficult time right now. John is not doing well. Please keep her in your prayers. She needs us both now more than ever.

Love

Your friend Jo

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, its good to hear from you &u are so right holidays are difficult i try &on some days i do ok but for some reason i have the most difficulty when im out shopping first of all i have so many grandkids its difficult to concentrate &keep everything straight lol&then to be honest i see others shopping &seemingly so happy& excited &i get sad part of me knows that all people have their own private troubles but as selfish as it sounds it sometimes makes me sad logically its crazy because for alot of people holidays are stressful so no one really is not without their own problems. I think of you alot knowing how much you miss Michael &how hard it is your strength encourages me. Im sorry that things are not going well for karen i wish i could just give her a hug&just say we're here we care&we feel your pain just wish i could do more shes such a sweet person with a loving heart. It was hard to go thru it all with the lady from the medical board but she was kind &compassionate seemed like she was genuinely moved by what happened so im ok with what ever happens because in my heart i think she will try her best to make a effort on my sons behalf&is going to look&see if there have been other issues with specific dr&if there is none now they will keep Jordans case on file if someone else has issue. I told her the specialist was wonderful but called in too late im not a spiteful person if i thought for a minute that the dr fought for my son i wouldn't of done it but everyone with me saw what i saw so it doesn't have anything to do with the fact he died i hope it does prevent another tragedy. Please know i think of u&your family everyday altho sometimes i don't post your very special person&im grateful that you have come into my life. Love Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

I am also grateful that you and Karen are in my life. A few other people made comments to me on this site. I responded to them but never heard from them again. Only the relationship between you and Karen and I has endured. Some people just aren't ready. God did bring the three of us together for a reason. To help us support each other. You have both helped me to heal and I hope I have helped you both too. I know our husbands suffer also and love and miss their sons. I just feel that a mother's love and suffering is different. I know my husband is still suffering greatly but he keeps everything inside and sometimes he won't even open up to me. He's better than he was a year ago. I think it is because I still work and he's retired and he has too much time to dwell on things. Hopefully when I retire in June things will be better. Anyway dear friend please keep in touch.

Love Jo

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Dear Jo, been thinking about you&jo alot this week,i think about the holidays and i know its a bitter sweet time. My husband is the same way if i didn't have you to understand i would of lost it. I guess men are different in how they deal but my husband he doesn't share his feelings&becsuse i knew no other person on this journey i think i was in a bad space missed him so much&felt alone so i agree noone else has stayed in touch with me either so God did plan this. I'm trying to finish up my shopping& get organized so many grandkids! Hope you are doing better than me im a doggone unorganized mess lol. I hope karen is doing ok so much to deal with i think about her a lot wish there was more i could do to support her. I know this time of yr is difficult if you have a need to unwind i don't mind listening please know that. Hope your family is well i know my grandkids are all wound up in excitement for santa. Remember what you told me take care of yourself es during this time of yr and i hope to hear from you soon. Some days are not ok ill be honest i don't think for any of us but i just let myself feel whatever smile &cry &do the best that i can. Love Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo,im sorry i didn't get back to you sooner i didn't hear or missed the notification get so many emails i cant say which es this time of yr. So sorry i always look forward to hearing from you! Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie. No need to apologize. I think we are all so busy especially around the holidays. When I hear from you or Karen I tell myself I'll sit down later and answer you both but sometimes the time slips away. Like you i am getting things together for the grandkids. They are so innocent and funny and filled with the fascination of Christmas. I don't know if your grandkids have their elf on a shelf. Every day I get reports where their elf has moved. If they misbehave sometimes I tell them I'm telling the elf to tell Santa they are being naughty and they better be good or else. Works every time.

I wont lie to you when I say there aren't days that I feel Michael's loss more profoundly. Christmas was always his favorite holiday and it breaks my heart when he's not there when his little boy gets up Christmas morning. Last year my husband and I were there when he woke up and saw his presents. If my daughter in law wants us to we will do the same thing this year. I hope me telling you this doesn't upset you. I know you are going through the same thing. Hopefully we can give each other strength. I worry about Karen too. When I heard from her last John was not doing well and she was very down which is to be expected. She needs us both more than ever now. We have both walked down the same road and know what she is going through. Hopefully when she is up to it we will hear from her. I hope that her son is doing better. I keep you and Karen in my prayers and my heart every day. Please keep in touch dear friend

Love. Jo

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Hi jo, every time I think i have a minute to touch base with you something comes up. The grandkids Jordan's daughter are here alot i too have elf on the shelf altho i do not know how well he works lately they are so hyped up abt xmas& their mom and the girls been staying here alot shes pretty depressed with Jordan gone& first Christmas without her mom, i don't mind since it keeps me from thinking too much. I hope your daughter in law lets you share in xmas morning with your grandson i know it means so much to you&even tho its bitter sweet it helps ease the pain of michael not being there physically i know because you have convinced me they are still with us. Christmas is difficult i really used to just love it, my mom was the same way&it allowed for a excess of decor &just fun now i try & i either think of Jordan &it steals the joy&i still have a little guilt about allowing myself to get in the spirit when hes not here. I know its craxy and im working on it but its still there. My oldest son is still drinking way too much i worry about him his behavior is self destructive&his ex has legitimate complaints but as much as i try to stay neutral i know she does things to set him off. My husband & i been to his apartment several times trying to talk to him but its hard when your dealing with adult. I think of how much karen has to go through right now God bless her i wish there was something I could do. I don't want to rattle on i hope you feel comfortable enough to know if you are having a bad day or just want to tell me anything about Michael id love to listen, it is not a problem for me from my own experience i know people don't always want to hear our stories& are not comfortable es at Christmas so please i know you are strong you have given me strength but we all need to share with those who get it& its helped me so i don't want it to be one way street. Thinking of you & karen everyday even when i don't post. Merry Christmas they are with us in our hearts and in spirit. Love ur friend, Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Marie,

So sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Busy with all the final preparations for Christmas. This is the holiday that was always "ours" that we got to spend with Michael and his family, as well as with my two sisters. All the other holidays were spent with my daughter in laws side when Mike was alive, but we learned to accept it to keep peace in the family for our son's sake. He was very easy going and he usually gave Carol Ann her way rather than fight with her. I was actually surprised that she and little Michael had Christmas dinner with us again this year.


Everything went very well and the kids had a blast with all their toys. My sister's grandson came also so we had 5 little ones aged 2-6. As usual, MIchael's presence was felt deeply and we all remembered him, as well as his grandparents, who are all up with him in heaven. We did go over to Carol Ann's house Christmas morning so that we were there when he got up to open Santa's (and our) presents. I was glad we were there (as well as sad) since Michael wasn't there but we did it for both Michael and little Michael because I know that it where he would want us to be. It irritates me sometimes that he has another set of grandparents who should be there also but they don't even bother. All their other children still have spouses so I don't see why a light doesn't come on in their heads that maybe their grandson would love having all his grandparents there. It is so sad---they take all these family pictures like they are such a loving family but the opposite is true. They are a family of selfish, uncaring people. Michael accepted them for what they where and he was the bright light in that family. He even was friends with his alcoholic father in law who isn't even speaking to most of his own children. I try not to be bitter. Guess I just have to learn to let things go. Anyway, since Mike passed her family doesn't consider us family anymore anyway which is fine with me. All we care about is little Michael.


We had all the kids send up their balloons to heaven on Christmas and they always get excited when we do that. Our Vicky found a feather right after they let go of the balloons and she got so excited--Uncle Mikey always sends us feathers so we know he is around.


I'm so sorry that your older son is still having problems but you are doing the best that you can do, Like you told me before, you are dealing with an adult. I know how difficult it is deal with your son not being here, especially during the holidays, so we both try to do the best that we can do. This is a grief that will never go away--you just learn how to cope and go on the best you can. I won't lie to you--there were days leading up to the holidays that I would look at his pictures and start crying because he isn't here. I love the holidays, but I am also relieved somewhat when they are over. I don't think that will ever change. We do this mostly for our grandchildren. That is what is important. My older sister is going through a hard time right now with her oldest daughter being separated from her husband. It's a very difficult situation, with my niece leaving the house and getting an apartment and her two children staying in their house with the father. The children are experiencing many problems which the two parents are not addressing. My sister is devastated and I was glad she came here for Christmas (she lives in another state) and I was able to listen to her and offer some comfort. These are her only two grandchildren and she is hurting watching what everyone is going through. She herself has health issues. She has muscular dystrophy and is having so much difficultly walking now. All I can do is be there for her as she was for me when Michael was ill and then later when he passed.


Sorry to lay all this on you. You have your own problems to deal with. I guess talking about things with a friend helps to make you feel better. Let's hope that the new year brings more joy and healing to both our families. I pray for Karen also that God looks out for and protects her family as well. I keep all of you in my prayers and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Jo



Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, i just wanted to drop you a brief post to say that please never apologize i don't mind at all to listen feel honored that you share the good &bad with me! Im so happy that you were there Christmas morning when you have sons it can be a little bit of wondering what they want to do with children &they have more control than if they where our daughters children. I'm glad your sister was with you it helps just to be together. Jordans girls spent Christmas eve here so that was really special to have them here Christmas morning since her mom passed i was more than happy to say yes when she asked so im grateful. I will write again soon, i just wanted to make sure that i got back to you to tell you that i love hearing from you &im grateful for our friendship. The holidays are definitely different but we carry on& find joy even in our sons heartfelt absence. Peace&love, marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, as i sd my post was short i just wanted to respond quickly to your post&let you know that im happy to share with you. Im sorry about your sister i took care of many people who had md its a terrible disease that has so many effects& even the meds can have difficult side effects to deal with. It can also cause depression its hard because you can be doing ok then out of nowhere get symptoms im sure she appreciates having you as a sister. I have a sister who had a stroke a few yrs ago, it left her with alot of difficulty in walking but since im always honest with you i will tell you that she can be difficult to deal with even before her stroke she has had a difficult life her husband died very young in his early twenties so i try to be patient &caring but she doesn't make it easy. Then when she upsets me i get upset with myself because she makes me feel a certain way towards her&i love her shes my sister but there is a long history of pretty narcissistic behavior. Its not just a problem with me im not the only one she upsets&i don't say these things lightly i wish it was different. Christmas i guess every day can be difficult when you have lost a child its always hard for me to find the balance, im sure you understand when i say the struggle with happiness still deal with the guilt of outliving my son when i find myself happy because of a small thing like finding the perfect gift or christmas decoration es on sale i think of him& i get sad &feel bad because hes not here i tell myself that is not what he would want but i struggle with it. Your son sounds like he was so unselfish& giving putting other people's happiness over his own a rare person in todays world. Im glad that it worked out &you were with his son on Christmas it would be so hard for me if not for grandkids to get thru the holidays. Not to rattle on i do it too, lll but my sister always manages to upset me es during the holidays its sad because of all she's gone through you would think shes be the most understanding but unfortunately shes not sometimes its the little things that get to me i guess. She never acknowledges anyones pain but her own&i want to emphasize i don't say these things lightly she lost her husband in 1978 we all helped raise her children i know i was there for her the only thing i feel bad about is being young at 18 & altho i was not close with his mother i didn't think about her pain as much as my sisters. This Christmas was good with my kids& grandkids but i think others don't realize how difficult it still is for me i hate even saying that i don't want anyone's pity i guess just acknowledgement he is gone&it still hurts es during the "happy" holidays. Just had to vent a little i know you understand. Think about you& karin everyday so glad i have you to listen& understand. Love&friendship,Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with your sister. I think that there are many people like her. They see what they want to see and drown themselves in self pity and as you know that can be very self-destructive. My daughter in law can be like that sometimes (although she has gotten a little better over the past year) I know that she has lost her husband, but sometimes she forgets that we have lost our son and my daughter has lost her only sibling. I blame a lot of how she is on her own upbringing. She was raised in a family with an alcoholic father and her two parents hate each other but continue to live under the same roof. Two of her sisters don't talk to each other and one sister and her brother don't talk to their father. How can you grow up normal in a house like that? I doubt that your sister will ever change no matter what you do for her. If she continues to attack and upset you, then I don't think you should feel guilty about backing off from her a little. Like I always tell you, you need to take care of yourself first.

We are both still grieving for our children and like you said we are not expecting anyone's pity. Like you, there are days that I struggle because my son is no longer here with me. There is a hole in our family that will remain there until we are all together again in Heaven. My grandchildren are the main reason I keep going and they make me smile and laugh and they have helped me so much in recovering from my loss. I know you feel the same way.

I looked at what happened over the past week when Carrie Fisher died and the next day her mom Debbie Reynolds died. I know that the mom was having serious health problems, but I seriously felt that after her daughter died, her grief was so great that she probably asked God to allow her to go and be there with her. I'm not saying that our sons would have wanted us to follow them--they still know that we have work to do down here. But it is an example of how strong a mother's love is. I read that her son said that when they were at the cemetery the family was looking at the right site that they wanted to bury Carrie and Debbie. He said that his mother loved hummingbirds and she used to see hummingbirds in her yard every morning. When they came to a particular site in the cemetery, he saw a flock of hummingbirds land on one of the sites he was considering and they just stayed there. He knew that this was a sign from his mother and sister that this is where they should be buried. Remember what I always told you about signs? Guess it happens to the rich and famous too. A friend of mine told me recently that the day her grandmother died she had come home and she saw a dove sitting on her front porch. It stayed there for a while with her and then flew off. She always told me that she felt it was a sign from her grandma. So please keep looking for signs from your son--he is still with you even though you can't see him.

Please continue to take care of yourself too and try to not let negative people get to you. We all experience them every day. They are not worth our time and trouble. My brother in law, who is quite well off, always goes on about how to make more and more money. It is a sickness for him. I get so tired of listening to him that I try to avoid him as much as I can. What good is money? I am not saying I want to struggle--I just want to be able to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head. Would being a millionaire have helped me save my son? He just doesn't get it. So what I'm saying is to try to live your live the best you can and try to be happy. Enjoy your loved ones and try the best to help them as best as you can, but not at the expense of your own physical and mental health. And not need to apologize about venting your frustration--I do the same thing to you. That is what friendship is all about.

Anyway, I just want to wish you a Happy New Year and I hope that 2017 is better for us all. Please keep in touch and as always, I keep you and Karen in my prayers every day.

Love, Jo



Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, you always have such inspirational stories they do give me hope i think i told you about how my granddaughters special tree so forgive me if I have it a tree you can sit in & has low branches she hang things for her daddy in the tree one day i stepped out on the deck to hear you begging jesus to just let her daddy come see her for a little while, needeless to say i had to step back in house before i called her in when I did have her come in we were washing dishes&there the hummingbird appeared at kitchen window i told her it was her daddy coming to stay hello it was her answer the only way he could come so i too look for these signs i noticed a few times over the summer when the rest of my sons would come for cookout a hawk would swoop around &around the yard flying lower &lower before taking off. So i find the winter a bit depressing with the darkness coming early&not much outside but like you i have the rest of my family. I also found the story about debbie Reynolds so touching we both know the feeling but i also know im still needed badly my sons childrens mother is a sweet girl but alone didn't have much of a childhood& is struggling so i know she needs me just as whether she wants to admit or not your daughter in law no that Michael needs you. I dont know if you ever read website refuge in grief i read something yesterday that touched me i want to pass it on it read Small thing such as this have saved me:how much i loved my mother..even after all these years. How powerfully i carry her within me. My grief is tremendous but my love is bigger. So is yours,you are not giving your son's death because it is ugly& unfair. You are greiving it because you loved him truly. The beauty of that is greater than the bitterness of his death. Its a excerpt from the obliterated place by cheryl strayed it was a good day for me to read this because the holidays are hard & i don't want to be bitter but when people who are close to me call to say merry Christmas or happy new year without bringing up my son it makes me feel like they act like he never was so i do have to fight being bitter on occasion its a process& your a help. Ive gone on enough but nxt time i will explain the situation that occurred with my sister i don't ever not want to be a compassionate& caring person because of what happened. Ive kept you long enough thank you as always. Love ,Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, i just wanted to say thank you last year as it was probably the same way with you xmas came so quickly after our sons death i was still numb...this year as im trying to be more engaged i feel myself fighting a little bit of bitterness some because of actions of others,some because tragedy can do that regardless i don't ever want to be a bitter &angry person who lacks empathy for other so i kind of hash it over with you,& you have your own pain please don't think that I don't think about you and your loss. I know noone in same position so if i rattle on please forgive me&always know im aware of the pain &the never ending longer you have to be able to see Michael. Thanks for being there& God bless you &your family this new year. Love,Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,

Sorry it took a while to get back to you. It's been snowing here all day. Not a monster storm, but enough to have to shovel--maybe 5 or 6 inches. Did you get any snow by you? I agree that winter is a depressing time for me also. I prefer the spring and summer and hate the cold. I have asthma, so when it is very cold I stay inside. Like you, I did enjoy the holidays but I am glad they are over. I agree with you that there are some are people who avoid bringing up Michael's name during the holidays, but I am fortunate to have some family and friends that talk about Michael all the time. I talk about my son endlessly, especially with the children. I want him to still be a part of our lives even though he is not here physically. My grandchildren love to talk about their Uncle Mikey--when the weather was nice I would usually take the kids for a "nature walk" and many times we would find our feathers. Vicky would always tell me that she would ask her uncle to send her a feather and she would always bring it home to put in her "special box".

I know that you said that you don't know people in the same position as us who have lost their child, but I know some other people who have also lost their children. One is a friend who retired a few years back who lost a son in his 40's from a heart attack. Another is the wonderful woman whose family set up a fund in their daughter's name that helps families from the community. This is the group that honored my son last year and they gave my daughter in law a check for $30,000 from the fundraiser to help towards raising little Michael. I have become friends with her since then. She told me that daughter Dina was pregnant with her second child and they found out that she had cancer. She passed away a short time after her little girl was born and died before her daughter's first birthday. It's been 16 years and she told me that it still feels like it happened yesterday and she still misses her deeply. She said that she has learned to go on for the sake of her family, but she said that the grief you feel never goes away and you just learn to live with it. By helping others in need every year, through her daughter's fund, she said she feels that this is a way she can celebrate her daughter's life.

And so all I can say is that we need to be there for each other to help us get through the pain. We will never forget our sons--but we should continue to celebrate their lives. There will be some days that will be harder than others but we will manage to get through them. I think of Karen every day because you and I both know what she is going through right now. Hopefully we can help her in some way just by being there for her.

I want to wish you and your family a Happy New Year and I hope that 2017 is a better year for us all.


Love, Jo

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie

I know you must be busy with all the little ones. I just want to keep you updated on Karen. In addition to the houzz site we also correspond with each other by email. I heard from her the other day. She is very down. Her son john is not doing well and they had to take him to emergency room over a week ago for severe pain. She said he has lost more weight, has no appetite and basically sleeps most of the time. I feel so bad for her and I know that there

isn't much I can do other than listen. I know that you, like me, can understand what she is going through. She said that she cannot even get herself to go on the houzz site. I just wanted you to keep her in your prayers as I'm sure you always do. I will keep you updated when I hear from her again

Love

Jo


Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, thank you for that and i will keep her in my prayers its overwhelming for her im sure & i wish there was something more we could do. You are right had a grandchild here everyday for the last couple of weeks & its been little stressful to be honest. I will talk to you more when i have a little more time i always look forward to hearing from you&i will get back to you soon please tell karen i am thinking & praying for her. I will post more soon love, Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

I'll definitely let her know that you are in her thoughts and prayers. Talk to you soon

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie

i know you are very busy taking care of the grandchildren. I just wanted to let you know that I heard from Karen. She is doing a little better. John had a problem with his pain medication. That is why he was feeling so "out of it". The doctors adjusted his meds and he is doing better now.

i just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as always. Keep in touch when you have a free minute

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Dear Jo, sorry I haven't been in touch i have been crazy busy &honestly bit depressed lately but I'll be ok. Im so glad karens son is doing better & thx u for letting me know i do think about you&her every day even when im not touch. I went to a restaurant while back when my cousin was in town the people at the table next to us were very happy that the pipeline was going to be started again my cousin & i were talking about drug addiction & how in my opinion this country has to decide whether if its a disease should we throw people who are just users not dealers in jail as opposed to treatment they must of picked up on our conversation because one of them stated loudly that his emt friends were sick of saving the same addicts over&over from overdose & mused about driving very slow hoping that repeat calls are dead so they don't have to keep wasting their time on them i was so upset to be honest& i guess lately I've been very upset by such a attitude & lack of compassion in country its not like i don't have some conservative beliefs myself i pretty down the middle but i just lately see so much anger it scares me if we can't agree to disagree& believe that we all want the same things for our country maybe just have different ideas of how to get there upsets me but when i think of the parents from every background that have lost their children to addiction it just makes me sad. Im fearful of my grandchildrens future so yes ive been depressed. My sons children are having hard time financially also so im trying to help get her&them out of housing project because its not safe unfortunately my son never worked so they get no ss when he died& that was were she had to move the city sd that they had increased security by there have been break ins so in the process of trying to find her new place. I hope you and your family are ok i can give u my email although im not good at computer stuff im a much better texter so if you would like to communicate that way i can give you my email or ph one reason i dont post as much as i like is because its on my phone & my eyes go buggy. But like I sd you are always in my thoughts. Love ur friend, marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Jo, i also have facebook pg but i have no friends lol cuz i haven't taught myself how to use it i think i was born in wrong era im a mess with technology. Love u

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Marie,

It is so good to hear from you. I know that you have been so busy helping out your family. I hope that you are able to find a safer place for your son's children soon. I agree with you that while there are many good people out there (look at the peaceful protests around the country and the world who are fighting for rights for refugees , women, LGBT) there are many people who don't know the meaning of the word compassion. I have friends who have lost a child from drug overdoses, and I have others whose children have become addicts but who have recovered and are drug free. These are not people who are "white trash" but who come from loving, close families. For someone to say that they are a waste of their time and they should be allowed to die--that person is in the wrong line of business. And this person was talking about his friends who were EMTs. Maybe he shouldn't express the opinions of other people who aren't even there.

I do not get involved in political discussions with anyone, although I will admit that I did not vote for our current President. I am willing to give him a chance like we give all our Presidents. I just feel that he has tapped into all the anger that many people in this country feel. Many people feel anger over just about anything, but I feel that these people were always angry but now they feel entitled to spread that anger. I can imagine how you felt when that person made his remark but remember that for this person to react to a private conversation that was none of his business--it just shows you how bigoted and arrogant this person always was.

I think your suggestion to exchange cell phone numbers/email addresses is a good idea. My email address is jfalcone2003@yahoo.com and my cell number is 516-650-9729. Karen has my email address and I just gave her my cell phone number also You are right--it is so much easier that typing on these little phones and it saves the time of logging on to Houzz sight. I'm not on Facebook although my daughter keeps pushing me to do it. I'm not good at this social networking stuff.

My family has been doing well. We've just been dealing with the winter colds and stomach viruses (we just went through round 2 on that one) Nothing serious, thank God. Anyway, I hope to hear from you again when you have a chance.


Love,

Jo






Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Dear jo, thank you for understanding i am a bit of political junkie honestly used to enjoy the back&forth love history etc didn't vote for him like u i wanted to give him a chance but hr seems to confirm the reasons why s starting to cause me anxiety i probably should stay off political sites pretty hateful stuff my sister told me stop going on them because its making me nervous wreck lol my phone 607 259 0088 & email mcpaul311@gmail.com. get in touch with anytime i think my facebook pg is public marie christine paul it just has my boys and grandkids maybe one photo of me i haven't gotten as far as accepting friends so glad we exchange numbers it will be easier take care and look forward to hearing from you give my love and prayers to karen . Love&friendship marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Cindy Wyman

My son is 36 years old. He just got married in August and by Christmas he was diagnosed with ALS. He is not doing well! My heart is breaking watching my son gradually die. I don't know how I am going to survive it all.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
karenjoe1967

Cgwyman2... It was in the fall of 2015 that I found this thread of communications from others, like myself, who are experiencing the horrible diagnosis of a serious illness of their adult child. It punches you in the gut and causes feelings you never knew you had. I understand that feeling of not knowing how you will survive. It isn't by accident that I found your post. Fast forward to the present. Our son may last one week. He is in his home under hospice care. His birthday is Easter Sunday. He will be 47. I have been given so much support by Jo and Marie who I met on this site. I would love to extend my hand of support to you. It is possible to walk through this difficult time without losing everything. Without losing joy. You will find yourself changed but not in despair. Let me know if you would like to connect. I will get back with you as quickly as I am able considering our son's impending death. Bless you. Have hope and be strong. Karen

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Hi cgwyman, i am sorry to hear about your son i worked in health care and I know how heartbreaking the diagnosis is i lost my son august 19 2015 from addisons disease which you rarely die from so his loss was very unexpected but it devasted me. Karen is right you will find support here i honestly believe that we share a bond with each other and truly understand each others pain. If you need to talk reach out we are here God bless we are here. Jo & karen have been there for me in my darkest moments. MARIE

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Hello cgwyman. Karen and Marie have all spoken of the relationship we now share together that began when we met on this site. As Karen has told you, she is preparing for the passing of her own son. Marie's son passed in the same month as our son, August 2015. Our son, who was 37, found out that he had an extremely rare and aggressive form of lymphoma, called Mantle Cell Lymphoma. His sickness came on quickly on New Year's Day, 2015. and by August 30, 2015 he passed away. He left behind a wife and 3 year old son.

Although we have yet to meet in person, Karen, Marie and I have developed a strong friendship. We share the same common bond of our sons. As Karen said, you will experience many feelings over time, and it helps to connect with others who have already been down that path. I would like to offer my support as well. Please know that I will be there for you, along with my two other dear friends, to help you in any way we can.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Cindy Wyman
Dear Jfalcone2003,mcpaul311, karenjoe1967,

Thank you so much for opening up your hearts and listening to all my tears. I am so happy I can upon your site. I know I need the support from others.

For those unfamiliar, ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease, affects the motor neurons in a person's brain and spinal cord, causing muscles to rapidly waste away. ALS patients don't, however, experience any deterioration of the mind, and instead must endure remaining totally aware as the disease robs them of all bodily functions. Unfortunately, after only a few months after diagnosis, Gary is already experiencing major deterioration in his speech, his ability to walk and even simply buttoning his clothes. While there's hope for treatment and remission for those suffering with cancer, there is no stopping ALS. Once it hits it keeps progressing until the person afflicted is paralyzed and unable to communicate entirely. The life expectancy is 2-5 years.

For Gary, what should have been the beginning of his life as a husband, has now turned into a terrifying reality. Every day he must overcome a new struggle and adjust his routine accordingly. Gary already needs help doing even the simplest of tasks, whether it's opening a jar, brushing his hair, or getting dressed. And the nightmare only continues. Soon, Gary will be wheelchair bound. In the next couple of weeks he will have a feeding tube inserted because he is having a difficult time swallowing. He will require the care of an in-home nurse to assist his wife in making sure his needs are met. His medical bills will continue to pile up. He'll no longer be able to walk, speak, and even breathe without assistance.

I am really struggling. I go to a women's bible study every week and get a lot of support. I know we all have struggles in our lives, but watching your child gradually die is so much worst than anything else. I don't want to be a member of this group.

My son and I have had a few difficult years together. He just recently shared some of his angry feelings and I left his house carrying all of them heavy on my shoulders. I ask God why now. We both need this time to resolve our differences. As a mom I thought I showed Gary how much I loved him, but I must not have done a great job at it. I need this time to show him how important he is to me and how deep my love is for him.

I have always believed myself to be a strong woman, but never did I think something like this would happen to my child. I now have moments where I find it difficult to breathe. The pain of watching Gary go through this is so intense that it feels as if I have a knife jabbed into my heart and it's being twisted around and around and around. I am able to hold it together and not be overly emotional while around him, but this is not true during other times of my day. I not sure how to feel or what to do. Warmly, Cindy
Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Dear Cindy,

I am glad that you decided to return back to this site. I am also glad that you are part of a bible study group that is there for you to provide support. Karen, Marie and I are also part of a "group" that no one wanted to be part of but which eventually turned in to a life saver for the three of us. We all feel that God chose to draw us all together so that we would be there to help each other. As we mentioned before, Marie's son and my son have already passed, and Karen's son will pass in the very near future. Karen will probably share this with you as time goes along, but she also lost a grandson less than a month ago.

The anger that you and Gary are experiencing now is completely normal. After receiving such a terrible diagnosis, any person (as well as their loved ones} have the need to let their feelings out. I am ashamed to admit this, but in the beginning I blamed God for making my son sick, and I questioned my faith at that point. I asked him why he would take my only son and make him suffer with this terrible disease. I felt that my prayers weren't being answered and that God was ignoring me. As time went on my feelings changed. I came to realize that God does not make people sick, and I know that he has been with me every step of the way. You wonder how you will get through this, and I tell you now that your faith in God will help you in this terrible time.

As I mentioned before, our Michael was only 37 when he became ill. Like Gary, he was just starting out on his new life. He was only married 5 years by the time he passed, and his little boy was only 3. I won't go into the details right now, but his illness and death was not an easy one. He suffered terribly at the end. While not a day goes by that I do not think of my son, I have learned to go on because that is what Michael would have wanted.

Please never think that you failed in some way in being a good mother. Your son has to pass through this angry stage, and sometimes the one that they lash out at are those they love the most. Give it some time and your son will come around because he needs his mom. I know how medical bills can pile up because our Michael was not able to work. My husband and I helped as best we could, but my daughter (my only other child) set up a GoFundMe page which she posted on Facebook. She was able to raise almost $27,000 that he was able to use for medical bills and home expenses. Perhaps someone in the family could do that for Gary. While you hear so many terrible things going on throughout our country today, you will find that there are still many good people out there with generous hearts who are willing to help someone in need.

I don't want to ramble on too much right now. Please continue to visit this site anytime you feel the need, even if it's just to tell us how your day is going. I promise you that the three of us will be there for you whenever you need us.

Josephine










Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
mcpaul311

Dear cywyman2, i am glad that you have honored us by sharing your story believe me i understand guilt i was consumed by it by the time i reached out here on this site out of pure desperation because i knew no one that had gone through what i had &i never felt so alone in my life, i am so thankful that jo& Karen responded to me because I was really in a bad space. Please don't feel guilty as mothers we all do the best we can & i think all of us would of traded our lives for our sons. My sons life was very complicated he struggled with emotional issues as a result of a brain injury he received in car accident & when he was diagnosed with Addison disease he didn't always listen to drs orders he was in&out of hospital & eventuality developed diabetes from the steroids he had to take for his addisons disease. He checked himself into the hospital walking&talking& 2days later he was dead he died a horrible painful death& the care he received was not up to par so i have tremendous guilt to because by the time i realized that things were going horribly wrong it was too late. As i sd i worked in health care so i am familiar with ALS you are correct it a particularly cruel disease as your mind is not affected but your body is ravaged people are not really aware of how horrible it is for the person as their body becomes their own prison. We are all here for you& your beautiful son i hope you continue to stay in contact there is not one of us who would not try to be there for you i know everything is difficult right now everything from finances to emotions my husband & i have to help his daughters as my son was on disability never could work so they do not get ssi benefits its all difficult somedays still just waking up &realizing hes still gone. You have a difficult road that no mother no one deserves to walk it is so hard to feel helpless as our children suffer. We are here for you and please feel free to reach out to me anytime your not alone. Marie

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Cindy Wyman
Dear Josephine, Karen and Marie
Thank you so much for letting me vent my feelings.
Thursday night was a big benefit fundraiser for my son. There was over 1000 people in attendance. This benefit was all put together by his friends. I'm sure the amount of donations they received was a lot and will help with his medical bills.
It is amazing at the number of people that love and care for him. Many of them approached me to share wonderful things about Gary Lee. I was so happy, but at the same time I was so angry. I don't want this benefit, I want God to make my son healthy. I watch all the people around me laughing and having a good time. I'm angry because life is so bright for them, but for my son and our family it's not that way.
My son came over to my Inlaw family for Easter. He is not the same man. It is difficult for him to speak. He has to take a deep breath to push the words out of his mouth. My son is normally the life of the party, now he is totally the opposite. I'm watching him listen to everyone and just watching the happenings going on.
My family and my husband's have no idea of the fear and pain we are living. I am just trying to hold it together and get through this day
Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Cindy,

I know how difficult it is to see others going on with there lives, oblivious to the pain that you, your son and your family are going through. I used to be very bitter about it in beginning, asking why was son, who had his whole life ahead of him, stricken with this terrible disease? What made me change is watching how my Michael attacked his cancer with such courage and determination, refusing to give up. He fought until the very end. Along the way, he joined a cancer support group of his own. He told me how he made friends with so many people stricken with different kinds of cancer, most of them young people like him. He told me that it helped him so much because he felt less alone being in contact with people who were fighting the same fight. This is why, after he passed, I joined this site and this is how I found Karen and Marie. Over the nearly two years that Michael has been gone, I have met so many people who have lost a grown child, some from cancer or some other terrible disease, some from suicide, some from drugs. Tragedy strikes so many families, yet we are unaware of it until it hits our own family. I have also met some wonderful people along the way, people who open their hearts to extend a helping hand---people like Karen and Marie. Hopefully, your family and your husband's family will come around and be there to support you. When you are able to, perhaps you can share your feelings with your family members so that they know how you feel. People tend to get wrapped up in their own lives sometimes--I guess it is human nature. The only advice I can give you right now is to take things day by day. That is all you can do. Whenever you need to vent, then do so. You need to get your feelings out and not keep them trapped inside of you. Karen, Marie and I want to be able to help you in any way we can. Please keep in touch.

Josephine

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Cindy.

I was just thinking about you today and I was wondering how you are doing. Just know I am here for you if you need me.

Josephine

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Marc RG

I am very sorry for your loss.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jfalcone2003

Thank you very much.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Ronnie Prater

Is anyone left on here for support? Havent seen any post in a while

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
JoAnn_Fla

I still check in

Save    
Browse Gardening and Landscaping Stories on Houzz See all Stories
Color Why My Son’s Room Will Be Red: An Expert Weighs In on Colors for Baby
Historical facts, trend recaps and enthusiastic support for painting your nursery any darn color you like
Full Story
Bedrooms Room of the Day: Childhood Bedroom Is Redone for Visiting Son
A couple’s adult son and his new wife now can stay in luxe personalized quarters when they’re in town
Full Story
Kids’ Spaces This Designer’s Client Was Her 10-Year-Old Son
What do you give a boy with a too-babyish bedroom when he’s approaching double digits? See for yourself
Full Story
Crystal Blue Aquatics LLC. is a family owned and operated swimming pool company, built on 25 years of experience... Read More