why is she still chosing him?

19 years ago

My sister and I are very close. She met a guy, with a bad past. She listened to nobody regarding his past. Then she got pregnant. He went to rehab (after stealing her car and debit card and going on a few day drug binge) and she was convinced that when he got out they would be a perfect family!

He got out, did good for a few weeks and then stole her credit cards and disappeared again. He ran those up and she had to again dispuit charges with card companies. She said she was done. A little while later he was living with her again. All this time she is pregnant and working full-time (40+ hours a week) and he has no job and she supports him. I tried telling her not to trust him, that she has to think of what is best for this baby on the way. She tells me that its her life, she is not a fool, blablabla. Not too long after that he again steals money and takes off. This was after she saw text messages between him and his ex saying "i love you" and all that stuff.

That was a few months ago. She recently had their baby, which he did not show up to the hospital for (thought he knew she was in labor). (he already has 2 kids by other girls that he does not take care of and has gone to jail for not paying child support on) The other day he was staying at her house again!!!! I am so upset that I do not know what to do! My sister is on un-paid maternity leave and can not afford for him to steal from her again! What possesses her to fall for him again?!? She knows that he is a loser--whenever our family asks her about this guy she changes the subject. I am the only one in our family that has ever met him, so this shows that she is embarasses of him and knows he is no good. Any ideas on how to handle this?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

finedreams
19 years ago
Hi,
it sounds like your sister is a case of "a woman who loves too much".

These women have low self esteem and don't believe they deserve any better, they choose wrong man. They think that if only they try harder, work more, accommodate their men better, men will love them and change for them.

Then these women become addicted to pain and look for abusive men so they continue to experience pain. Pain is all they know, so it is a familar feeling for them.

There is this book "Women who love too much" written by a psychologist. maybe you can suggest it for her, it is a good book.

I always date wrong men, nothing criminal or abusive, but I am never a priority. So i can realte to her attempts to stay with him and try to change him.

Good luck to you!
sherheart
19 years ago
dear mom2emall, It isn't your problem to handle. I know that sounds harsh but your sister is a grown woman and whatever she decides to do....or whomever she decides to love, is HER problem. I know you care about her and you are worried sick about her but other than listening and being there for her when she needs you, you really can DO very little else. I am learning this lesson as well with my adult children and it is not an easy task to accomplish. As a family, we are programmed to HELP each other, but sometimes all we can really DO, is be quiet and let THEM figure out the solutions to their life problems. Your sister does not sound mentally incapable. Only guilty of loving the wrong man. That "love" will fade soon enough and then she will be ready to ask you for advice and to move on with her life. You sound like a wonderful sister. She is lucky to have you.
Related Discussions
Why does she do it?
Q
Comments (7)
I don't know the answer but I've asked myself that question many times over the years. We have 3 feeders that are in different locations around our yard. I've watched hummingbirds fly up into a tree and sit there to guard their feeder. They couldn't possibly be thirsty anymore, however; they sit on a branch and keep a close watch, ready to defend if there are other visitors. What amazes me is that I've seen pictures on the web of 20 to 30 hummingbirds together at feeders. It blew my mind! That would never happen in my yard. Each hummingbird stakes a claim on the feeder they visit. It's closed to other visitors when that particular hummer is around. My eyes aren't good enough to tell the difference from male or female. (Guess I'm getting old!) LOL Interesting question...hope somebody has the answer.
...See More
Why does she say this?...
Q
Comments (9)
Jannie, my mom's 83 and has had emphysema for years. She still smokes, she's just never been able to make herself quit for more than a few months. She is up and around, but she's very feeble and weak. Uses O2 only at night while she sleeps. The Dr. said O2 all the time, but she only uses it when she's scared or really weak or at night. Dr. wants her to use Albuterol 3 times a day with a nebulizer, but it makes her jittery so she won't use it at all. She's so stubborn. She's content to watch TV (tennis and golf matches) all day, she does a little reading, and plays a hand held game of Solitaire. I go pick her and Dad up and do a few errands, get lunch out, take a little drive. She's been like this for years, getting a little weaker each year. But when she gets a cold, it takes a couple months for her to shake it, even on Prednesone. She says that "fine" stuff too, as long as the sun shines, or the leaves are coming out on the trees, or things like that, she's fine and happy. It's such fun some days.... In the past two years my dad has had some little strokes and is mentally slower and quieter, and so Mom has had to start making the decisions, when to go down for supper at their retirement home, when to pay bills, just about everything. He just follows contentedly, but his lively personality is gone. So sad. So she also is dealing with the loneliness that has come into her life...I'm more critical of her decisions than I should be, but I try to let her unload some of her misery, but it doesn't work very well. I'm the daughter and she has a great deal of pride. I am thankful, so thankful, that they have moved from their condo where cooking and cleaning was not getting done. And they can pretty much take care of their own personal needs at this point. But I don't know for how much longer.... Gin
...See More
Why does she do this?? Walking question
Q
Comments (9)
Reinforce her when she's walking WELL. Keep treats in your pocket and practice practice practice. You really don't need to choke her to teach her to walk nicely. She may be walking a little better for your boyfriend because he has a deeper voice when correcting, or he may have worked with her more, or be exuding confidence/leadership on the walks. In the house, she needs to generalize her learning from you to your boyfriend. So he should start working with her inside, asking her to sit for dinner, or for a toy, or to go outside...and practice with her around the house. Reward. Dogs DON'T generalize well, so it's important that both of you train her regularly and that you positively reinforce with treats just until she really understands the commands. Then fade. I've noticed some men tend to repeat commands. This confuses the dogs. So watch him and make sure he says the command once, then helps her into the position if she doesn't get it. Follow-through is key.
...See More
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS
Q
Comments (13)
That is funny as is that video. I couldn't figure out how I would know what was going on when they started to speak German. Well, you don't need to speak German to understand the story. That was hilarious.
...See More
blizlady
19 years ago
Wow, you could be talking about my daughter!! I wrote a bit on the thread about parents with estranged adult children, because my daughter is back with her abusive boyfriend who is a habitual criminal and just got out of prision. Luckily he didn't steal her credit card, but he stole someone elses which landed him back in prison for the 7th or 8th time. He also has children with one ex-wife and another ex-girlfriend besides my daughter, but my daughter won't ask for child support because she feels sorry for him having to pay support for 3 other children! I could go on, but my story is pretty much the same.

sherheart, I agree somewhat with your response, but although I know there is nothing I can do - she is an adult and chose this loser - I have grandchildren to consider who will be affected by this man's physical and emotional abuse. It's hard to just let go, especially knowing he is being manipulative. But she's shunning my husband and I right now anyway, but for our grandchildren's sake, I know she needs help.
beentheredonethatmom
19 years ago
A lot of us gals are attracted to those 'bad boys'. And a lot of those 'bad boys' can be pretty charming and even nice at times. This fellow has obviously captured her heart for most likely a bunch of reasons....some good and some bad. He may be 'misunderstood', she may have 'low self-esteem'. She may need whatever financial assitance she can get from him.....if she gets any....and doesn't want to alienate him. She may be afraid of him. He may be great in bed :) Whatever the reasons, as everyone else has said already, she'll have to work through this one herself and all you can do is be a caring listener and help pick up the pieces as they fall. I have been going through this with our eldest daughter, now 36, for about 6 years........now in the throes of divorce.

It hurts so to watch them make mistake after mistake, showing such poor judgement. But experience is the best teacher as painful as it can be. And, some times I really believe that it all had to happen, was God's plan all along, that she should pair up with her soon-to-be X because they produced the most wonderful little human being, now 4..........a delightful, adorable, little guy that we will all treasue forever. At least one really great thing came out of the whole mess!!! Good luck and God bless.

why is she still chosing him?

Comments (4)

finedreams

sherheart

Related Discussions

blizlady

beentheredonethatmom

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US